Afraid Jokes
150 afraid jokes and hilarious afraid puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about afraid that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article tackles the topic of afraid jokes, providing hilarious quips about being afraid of heights, spiders, and more. Laugh along with Christopher Eccleston as he relates funny stories of being frightened and shy. Read on for a good chuckle!
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Funniest Afraid Short Jokes
Short afraid jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The afraid humour may include short fear jokes also.
- Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative number? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
- Me: I'm afraid of random letters Therapist: you are?
Me: "screams"
Therapist: Oh I see
Me: "continues to scream" - A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark? A chicken
- Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of. Me: What?
Doctor: Skeletons - My GF said she wanted to try in the other hole. I'm afraid she might get pregnant, what should I do ?
- Wife: I'm afraid our Neighbour died Husband: Who, Ray?
Wife: It's inappropriate to cheer when someone dies
(My 7 year old came up with this joke) - Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic. They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
- Is this allowed here? Stephen Colbert: Are you afraid of artificial intelligence taking over?
Ricky Gervais: I'd love for any intelligence to take over. - Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 didn't have a removable battery and blew up in everybody's pocket
- Just came up with a dadjoke but I'm too afraid to post… Because you probably have Redd-it already.
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Afraid One Liners
Which afraid one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with afraid? I can suggest the ones about terrified and fright.
- 6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9? Because he needed 3² meals a day.
- What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark? A chicken.
- Why was Yoda afraid of 7? Because 6, 7 8.
- Doctor: Sir, i'm afraid your DNA is backwards Me: And ?
- Doctor: Sir, I have some bad news, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards Me: and?
- Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind? He's afraid he'll get double crossed
- Why is 69 afraid of 70? Because they once had a fight and 71.
#
Sorry guys. - How do you milk a sheep? Sell headphone for $549.
- Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.
- The doctor said I had Gloria Gaynor Syndrome At first I was afraid...
- What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights? A chicken
- Why do boomers make horrible cashiers? Because they're afraid of change.
- I'm afraid to die alone. So I became a bus driver.
- What musical group is Jesus most afraid of? Nine Inch Nails
- I don't know why people are afraid of flying Most crashes happen at ground level
Afraid Of Heights Jokes
Here is a list of funny afraid of heights jokes and even better afraid of heights puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I wasn't afraid of heights until my significant other told me about her bungee jumping accident I got the fright of my wife.
- My friend is afraid of heights... I'm more afraid of snakes, but my fear of heights is definitely up there.
- I'm not afraid of heights. I'm not even afraid of falling from heights. I'm afraid hitting the ground after falling from heights.
- How do you score with a girl who is afraid of heights? You valley date her.
- I was walking my dog around my building ...on the ledge.
Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. - I used to be afraid of heights until I started rock climbing... Now I feel boulder.
- Why did the the acrophobe pothead start screaming? She's afraid of heights.
- I am afraid of heights That's why I never get high!
Afraid Of Spiders Jokes
Here is a list of funny afraid of spiders jokes and even better afraid of spiders puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- For some reason I'm only afraid of Middle Eastern spiders... It's O.K. though. My doctor says it's normal to be Iraqnaphobic.
- Definition of a spider, to someone who is afraid of spiders. Spiders are just furry eight-leggedy things, think of them as two kittens taped together and you'll be fine.
- What is it called when you're afraid of middle eastern spider species? Iraqnophobia
- Anyone who says spiders are more afraid of you than you are of them... has never woken up with one on their face.
Gather Around for Fun Afraid Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about afraid you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean anxious jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make afraid pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?
**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny b**... girly voice.
**Me:** What do you mean?
**Therapist:** There it goes again.
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father,may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes perhaps?
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her..
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!
Oh, you!
A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."
An 85 year old man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup...
... Doc says, Mr. Jones, I have bad news and worse news.
"Whats the worse news?"
"You have a relatively large brain tumor that is very aggressive and the treatment options are almost nonexistent, so I'm afraid you have about 6 months to live."
Mr. Jones hangs his head for a couple moments and looks up to ask, "And the bad news?"
"you have Alzheimers."
Mr. Jones frowns and says, "well, at least I don't have cancer."
Why is six afraid of seven?
Six hasn't been the same since he came back from Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness, dead bodies hanging in the canopy, and remembers the smell of blood and gunpowder.
When he sees seven, he is reminded of those days.
I was going to say a chemistry joke...
But I was afraid I wouldn't get a reaction.
A man gets a call from his doctor.
The doctor tells him that his test results are in and he needs to see him right away.
The next day, the man shows up. He walks into the doctor's office. "Hey. What's the news?"
The doctor sighs and stands up. "Well...the test results are in. I'm afraid you have cancer and onomatopoeia."
The man frowns. "What's onomatopoeia?"
"Exactly what it sounds like."
I was reading my emails...
The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;
"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."
And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?
I'm a paranoid narcissist...
I'm afraid no one's out to get me!
Doctor: "Your wife is in hospital!"...
Me: "...How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical".
Me: "Oh, you get used to that...".
Why was epsilon afraid of zeta?
Because zeta eta theta.
I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss...
.. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."
"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Saddam Hussein never have s**...?
....because he was afraid he'd see Bush.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was black.
Today just wasn't my day.
I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Finally leave the house for work and the doorknob comes loose and just breaks off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom..
Mr. Smith is Dead
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.
"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"
"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
7 is black.
Mafia florists
Some Italian mafia members own a florist shop in a city. Theirs is the only florist is the area, and so they control most of the flower business in the area.
One day, however, another florist shop opens up across the street. Afraid for their business, the mafia send one of theirs to rustle the place up, maybe scare them off. But he comes back to report that the florists are all friars! Being devout Catholics, they can't mess with the good friars.
The mafia boss has a solution. He turns to a guy named Hugh.
"Hey Hugh, you're atheist, right?"
"Yes."
"You you'll have no qualms about shaking up that flower shop?"
"I don't see why I would, boss."
Then he puts his hand on Hugh's shoulder, turns to the rest of the group, and says,
"Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
A man is feeling horrible and goes to the doctor.
The doctor runs numerous tests that last for hours. Finally, he walks back in, a grim expression on his face.
"I have your results back," the doctor says, "and I'm afraid it's not good. I'm going to tell you this directly, you really don't have long to live."
The man is understandably stunned and struggles to find the right words. "I-I... how long do I have?"
The doctor sighs. "10."
There's a pause before the man speaks "Ten? Ten what? Ten weeks, ten months?"
"9."
There once was a woman who had 100 children....
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety.
Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation.
One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do tumblr users make for poor gunmen?
They are afraid of triggers.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room
The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.
So the Pope is doing a crossword puzzle when a Bishop walks in.
"What is a four letter word for a woman that ends in -unt?" the Pope asks. The Bishop thinks for a minute, afraid to say such a word to the holiest of men. Then a miracle comes to him. "A-unt?" he suggests. "Yes, that fits better, got an eraser?"
Why I won't carpool.
I thought about carpooling with some co-workers to work, but the problem is that on the way to the office we have to go through a tunnel. I'm deathly afraid of this situation. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome.
Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?
They're afraid of change.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A German, a Russian, and a Syrian are in a life raft ...
The raft is slowly sinking and the 3 castaways are afraid it will sink before they are rescued, so they start looking around for things they can dispose of to lighten the load.
The Russian takes a case of fine v**..., throws it overboard and says, "We have plenty of that in my country."
Seeing the Russian's generous gesture, the Syrian takes a bag of fine hibiscus tea, throws it overboard and says, "We have plenty in my country."
Finally, the German, seeing that it is his turn, throws the Syrian overboard and says, "We have plenty of those in my country."
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.
When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.
While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1 and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm afraid our f**...-friendly s**... robot won't be ready on time.
We haven't worked out all the kinks yet.
A mathematician goes into an insane asylum
He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:
How much is 9 minus 3?
First guy answers: "Potato."
Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?
"Tuesday." Replies a second.
Wrong again.
"Six!" Answers a third.
Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?
"Simple! I just multiplied Tuesday and Potato and subtracted 83.
The wife of my boss
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the boss's' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day, he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?!"
"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
A close call.
Yesterday I was walking on the streets in my hometown Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I was about to go to the grocery store when I saw a black man running with a TV. I was afraid of it being mine, so I ran home as quick as possible, but luckily mine was still there, polishing my shoes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy is hit by a bus...
...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:
"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"
To which the little boy replies:
"How can you think about s**... in a time like this?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was 6 afraid of 11?
Because 11 snaps people's necks with her mind.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is C afraid of D?
Because DEEZ NUTS!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some Muslims were having an argument on my street the other day...
I wanted to step in, but I was afraid it would blow up in my face.
What do you call a guy who is afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mathematician is afraid of flying
A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a t**... attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage. "The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero."
If you're afraid of elevators
Take steps to avoid them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 keeps mangled corpses in a box in his garage
The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"
The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."
I found out my friend is addicted to math.
I should have known. All the sines were there. He had a hard time functioning, and he would go off on tangents all the time. Such a shame - he was in his prime, his life was on a great vector. He wanted to write the next 'Matrix'. But now, he can't differentiate between what is real and what is imaginary. It's so complex. I'm afraid his problems will start to multiply exponentially, and he just doesn't understand the root of it all. Pretty soon he won't be able to integrate at all. And just to add to the trouble, those he defines as 'friends' just want to divide his space between themselves. I'm afraid soon he'll go off into the Great Unknown...
Why was Six afraid of Seven?
Because Seven ate nine grams of bath salts and then killed all of the other numbers.
When I was a little kid, I was afraid of the dark.
But then I grew up and saw the electricity bill.
I'm now afraid of light.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…
Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.
Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.
"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or j**...."
Jill replies, "You'll have to j**... then, 'cause I've got a headache."
I was always afraid of dying alone, so thanks for being with me in my final moments.
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Why 6 was really afraid of 7
6 was just a normal girl, she met 7 on a dating app. They went out several times after that and a few dates later 7 proposed. 6 was ecstatic, they got married within the month and when they moved into a new house they quickly made friends with their neighbors, 9 and 10. 6 soon noticed strange behavior in 7, he was going out late at night to other people's houses. One night 6 saw 7 leave into the neighbors house. She decided to follow him in and was horrified. Blood stains led up to the darkened kitchen where she discovered some thing she could never unsee. 7 had done it. 7 8 9.
I don't know why everyone is afraid of an F5 tornado...
It's just a refreshing breeze!
Why are dogs afraid of outer space?
Because it's a vacuum.
I once stayed in a haunted house that played 70's music.
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Don't Get Nervous
Patient 1: Why did you run away from the operation table?
Patient 2: The nurse was repeatedly saying 'don't get nervous', 'don't be afraid', 'be strong', 'this is a small operation only', things like that.
Patient 1: So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?
Patient 2: She was talking to the surgeon!
Why was everyone in the Soviet Union so good at driving manual?
Because they were afraid of Stalin.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia...
why am I still afraid of failure?
I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day
I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.
Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..
I sure hope Roy Moore wins today
Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.
"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor ...
"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door, "Is Fred home?"
"Sorry, Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the bill collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir. I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"
"No, Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and check the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with the inscription, "Gone, But Not for Cotton.""
Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke
(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?
Why was Z afraid of all the other letters in the alphabet?
Because all the other letters were not-Z's.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces
For example, I am going to the liquor store and I'm afraid that it's closed
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three nuns die in a car c**..., when they get to heaven, the angel says they have to answer a question to get in
So the angel asks the first nun
Who was the first man?
And the nun replies, Adam
The angel allows her in and turns to the second nun
Who was the first woman?
The second nun answers Eve
Correct, in you go replies the angel
Then turning to the third nun the angel asks
I'm afraid this question is rather difficult. What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?
The third nun thinking says Oh, that's a hard one
Yes, you're in. Replies the angel.
Financial collapse in Japan
Origami Bank has folded.
Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches.
Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.
There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank...shareholders are afraid they might get a raw deal.
Kamikaze Bank shares have nose-dived.
500 jobs at Karate Bank have been chopped.
Why wasn't Jesus allowed to return to his food service job after he was crucified?
They were afraid of *cross*\-contamination
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight
Sir Render
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Cos" He replies laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is planning on taking a vacation but is afraid of flying
He is afraid of someone b**... the plane, so he asks a statistician what the odds are of a bomb being on a plane. He says the odds are one in a million and he shouldn't worry about it.
He asks what the odds of 2 bombs being on the same plane are, and the statistician says the odds are so low it will probably never happen to anyone in the mans lifetime.
A month later they run into each other and the statistician asks if the man ever took his vacation. He says yes. The statistician asks how he got over his fear of flying and the mans says, it was easy. Every time I board a plane, I bring a bomb with me.
