Afghanistan Jokes

Following is our collection of terrorist humor and outpost one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Afghanistan puns for adults, dirty taliban jokes or clean kaboom gags for kids.

There is an abundance of detonate jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 81 funniest jokes on afghanistan. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any iraqi witze you can hear about afghanistan.

The Best jokes about Afghanistan

Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line...

Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

Gender Equality

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent from CNN noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.

The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Afghanistan elementary school?

I have no clue, I just fly the drone.

That's a lot of zeros

An aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump:

"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."

Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this.
He sinks back in his chair, saying oh my god over and over.

Then he composes himself and says:

Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"


The US just dropped a new single today

It quickly became the number 1 hit in Afghanistan

What is the national bird of Afghanistan?

US Drone

Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Why is studying statistics hard to do in Afghanistan?

because of the tally-ban

What is Call of Duty called in Afghanistan?

The Sims

How did I escape Afghanistan?

Iran.


How did I get out of Afghanistan?

Iran.

A man has started a business in Afghanistan. He's selling landmines that look like prayer mats...

Prophets are going through the roof.

Why is there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?

Too many Targets

A woman must walk 5 paces behind...

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

Why aren't there any Wal-Mart's in Afghanistan?

Because they are all Target's!

A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.

First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."

"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.

"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."

Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."

"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.

"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."

Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."

"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.

"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"

Did you know that counting is illegal in Afghanistan?

There's a Taliban

Jewish Business

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5"

The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK, OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"


There's a Marine in Afghanistan

A marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. She also wanted the pictures of herself back.

So, the marine did what any other man would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 24 pictures of women (with clothes and some without) to his ex-girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

Dear John Revenge (Sorry if repost)

Again, sorry if this is a re post but I love it!

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance
between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on
you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
Becky,

Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:





Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the
f--- you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest
back to me.

Take Care,

Ricky

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan..

making land mines that look like prayer mats. He's doing very well, business is booming and Prophets are going through the roof.

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'...

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'.

We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence.

Yes, we've brought the British way of life to them all right.

A marine received a letter from his girlfriend

A marine was deployed to Afghanistan when he received a letter from his girlfriend. She said she fell in love with his best friend while he was gone, and that she didn't want him to come back to her. The marine did what any other man would do. He went around to all of his buddies and collected all of the unwanted pictures of women (with clothes and without clothes). After he had about 2 dozen pictures, he mailed them to his ex with a letter attached that said, "I don't remember which one you are. Take the pictures of you and please mail the rest back."

So...Liverpool F.C. sign new striker...

A real new hot shot from Afghanistan, the new wonder kid.
He has his debut and scores a hatrick.
After the game he calls his mum and tells her the good news.
"Mum, Mum I scored three goals in my first game!"

His mum replies..."Son that's all very good but I have some bad news."

"Over the Weekend, your father was shot by a sniper, your sister raped, and I was robbed whilst shopping"

"Oh Mum I am so so sorry" the son says...
"SORRY!!!! It's your fault we moved to Liverpool" shouts the mother.

Six weeks ago, my brother was deployed by Afghanistan...

And today he called home.

He asked me how things were back here, and so I took a deep breath and told him the truth.

"Your cat died."

My brother was aghast, especially at how coldly I said it.

"Joe, that's not how you break bad news." Miles away, I could hear the frustration in his voice. He sighed and explained:

"You should've started with something innocent and then gone from there. Don't open with the worst news. Say something like 'Well, the cat got on the roof... we tried to get her... then she slipped and we couldn't save her'. Understand?"

I told him I understood and thanked him for the advice.

"Alright," he said, "How's mom doing?"

"Well, she got on the roof..."

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Seven's been worried about six even since he left Afghanistan. Every time 6 closes his eyes, he sees the war and hears the gunshots. He sees the blood, the killing, the death, and soldiers falling. When he looks at seven, he remembers when they were forced to eat their own flesh to not starve in those caves. He sees the war and the flashbacks will come back forever, burned into his soul and mind.

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan. Their captors take them to a mine field and tell them that if they can escape to the checkpoint on the other side, they are free to go. To do so they offer them each whatever transport they want to cross it.

The Englishman chooses a Rover, solidly built enough to take a blow from a mine perhaps. He hits a mine and explodes. Dead.

The Frenchman chooses a Renault, small and quick so it may be able to get between the mines, he thinks. He hits a mine and explodes. Dead.

The German asks for a large rubber duck, with a spring stuck on each corner. The Taliban suspect him to be mad, but its good sport so they find him a big rubber duck and kit it out as per his instructions.

He bounces his contraption over the mine field. He hits a mine and explodes. But the explosion carries him forward and he bounces to the next one. He crosses the whole minefield unharmed.

The Taliban at the other side are perplexed by this. "How did you ever manage to devise such a solution to crossing minefields?" they ask.

"Oh it is an old German method," he replies, "We call it the Four-Sprung Duck Technique."

American female journalist in Afghanistan

An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men.

She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of lesser status." Outraged the journalist went home.

A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead.

She turned to her guide and this time asked, "What has changed?"

The guide answered, "Land mines."

Sentry

A new soldier was posted guard at the gate to the American Base in Afghanistan. His orders were clear: All vehicles had to stop to show ID unless it had a special placard on the dashboard inside the windshield.

A black SUV came up with a general seated in the back. The car did not immediately stop, intending to drive through the gate area.

The sentry yelled at the drive to stop, almost getting run over as he jumped in front of the car.

The driver, a corporal, said, "I've got General Wheeler in the back."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. Since you don't have a sign on your dashboard, I have to see some ID."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without showing ID."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan

because of the tally ban.

The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War.

These quadricopters are going to be named "Strikekirts", which reads the same forwards and backwards.

Why?

It's because they are Palindrones.

Why is it hard to keep score in Afghanistan?

Because of the tally ban

Why can't you use strike-marks to count in Afghanistan?

Because of the tally ban!

What's the national bird of Afghanistan?

Duck

We sent prince harry to Afghanistan. Because when you want to teach them about democracy, you send them a prince.

...to shoot at them from a helicopter.

Explosive Opportunity

A British engineer started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making landmines that look like prayer mats. He says that prophets are going through the roof.

A beggar in Afghanistan

An Afghan man walks across a busy street when an old lady says ''Please my son, give me $1 in charity.''

''I don't have any.''

''If you don't have that just give a tiny little bit. Praise God, look at your youth, your tie, your strength and beauty. May I be sacrificed for you, just give a tiny little bit.''

''I don't have any.''

''Really just even $0.01 would be enough.''

''I don't have any, really, not even $0.01.''

''Well why are you just standing there then? Come sit and beg like I do.''

Top general: "We have turned a corner in Afghanistan

for the 4th time"

Why can't schools in Afghanistan teach kids to count by drawn lines?

Because of the tally ban

In America saying you're the bomb is a compliment but...

In Afghanistan it's a question.

Back in 1996, Afghanistan was very different.

You see, the only numerical system that Afghanistan used was the tally mark system. That meant that Afghans only counted things in tally marks. This was quite problematic because many people didn't know how to use tally marks correctly. Many mistakes were made and there was generally a lot of confusion. Chaos ensued quickly. The Afghan government had to do something and fast. What it ended up doing was banning all use of tally marks in the country. And that was the origin of the infamous Tally Ban.

How did George Bush get Afghanistan pregnant?

He never pulled out

I was going for a walk in the desert in Afghanistan.

Off in the distance I saw what I thought was a mirage but as I got closer I could see it's wasn't a mirage, Israel.

It was two men arguing, so I tried to calm the situation down but they turned against me. The one man threw Iraq, so Iran all the way home.

Agitated by the encounter I told my wife I wanted to get revenge for the assualt, but she calmed me down and assured me it Kuwait.

Why are there no school shootings in Afghanistan?

America already bombed the schools.

Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan?

Because of the Taliban
(say it out loud)

I don't smoke afghani weed,

Because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.

A soldier walks into a bar.

A man in the bar strikes up a conversation with the soldier.

"So sorry if I'm being rude, but how'd you lose your leg?"

"Explosion in the war. I miss my friends too much here and I want to go back. They won't let me with my injuries though."

"They still stationed in Afghanistan?"

"No, they're dead"

"My condolences. Have a beer on me."

"That's very kind of you sir but I'm not old enough to drink"

My friend wanted to smoke some afghani weed with me

But i said no, because, from what i heard, people in afghanistan get stoned TO DEATH


[not mine]

Why are there no TV's in Afghanistan?

Because of the Teleban.

Why aren't you allowed to take inventories in afghanistan?

Because of the Tally Ban.

Treyarch has to release BO4 as Roman numeral IV in Afghanistan

Because in Afghanistan they have Tallyban

After reading that Afghanistan had the highest infant mortality rate, this occurred to me.

What do you call Afghan triplets?

Twins!

I am so sorry....

What did Harry Potter say when he invaded Afghanistan?

Expected petroleum.

Condoms were invented in Afghanistan

At first, they were just wrappers made of goat skin.

Then the Americans came along and improved them. By taking it out of the goat.

Why did Bin Laden listen to Eminem?

He was an Afghani-Stan.

So last week i went into a country i thought was Afghanistan

But the moment i checked the map I ran.

Why are there no Wal Marts in Iraq, Iran, or Afghanistan?

Because there are already too many targets.

(cr

Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan

And Iran, I ran so far away!

Samsung announcement

Galaxy Note 8 batteries will NOT be manufactured in Afghanistan.

Why cant you watch TV in Afghanistan?

Because of the tele-ban.

I just found out today that they don't have television in Afghanistan...

probably because of the Tele-ban...^Taliban, ^get ^it?

I did two tours in Afghanistan and one in Iraq

Thank you for the applause! Not enough people appreciate sex tourists.

What happens if you steal in Afghanistan?

You get Talibanned

A conversation I just had.

Friend - "My Dad just bought a condo in Afghanistan, what an idiot."

Me - "Are you kidding? Those real estate prices are set to explode."

I understand when Muslims say they no longer feel safe. I saw 8 of them publicly executed this morning...

In Afghanistan. It was on the news.

A marine returns from Afghanistan without arms, walks into a bar...

The bartender, who's a former Marine, sees the guy's SemperFi tattoo and shoves the foaming glass in front of him. "This one is on the house bro", he says.

"Thanks man," said the customer.

"Look, I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"

"Sure," said the bartender, and he did.

"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind ad to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."

"Certainly. Anything for a fellow Marine" And it was done.

"If," said the armless man, "You'd reach in my right-hand pants pocket, you'll find my smokes, could you please..."

The bartender gets his pack out and lights one up for him.

"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"

"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."

Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...

Land mines.

What did the U.S. airdrop to the children of Afghanistan?

Bombs

Why do people in Afghanistan air dry after they shower?

Because of the towel ban

How did I travel from Iraq to Afghanistan??

Iran

Did you hear about the man running a marathon on the afghanistan border? He actually went 3 miles further...

I guess Iran* a little too far

*I'm pronouncing it "e-ran"

What's the difference between a Pakistani mosque and a Afghanistan mosque and an Iraqi mosque?

How should I know, I just fly the drones.

What are a group of Afghanistan children called?

Baby Boomers

What kind of wrist would be worst off against an angry UFC fighter fighting out of Afghanistan?

A terrorist.

According to Wikipedia, Afghanistan is the country with the top average altitude

But now Canada is highest

Treyarch had to release black ops IIII as IV in Afghanistan...

Because over there they have Tallyban

Credits to u/GhoulsCo

What does the p in Afghanistan stand for.............................................................................................. PEACE.

There was once man named tom

There was once a man named Tom
Who dropped an atomic bomb
On the country we call Japan
He said next was Afghanistan
As he came in his palm

I'm in the military. My friend bank home was impressed with how I traveled from Iraq to Afghanistan.

I told him Iran.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes