Affordable Housing Jokes

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents.
So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it".
The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink.
On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it.
When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it.
When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?".
And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”
The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”
Little Joe told him: “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be d**... if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!”

"I’m in a big trouble!"
"Why is that?"
"I saw a mouse in my house!"
"Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap."
"I don’t have one."
"Well then, buy one."
"Can’t afford one."
"I can give you mine if you want."
"That sounds good."
"All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap."
"I don’t have any cheese."
"Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap."
"I don’t have oil."
"Well, then put only a small piece of bread."
"I don’t have bread."
"Then what is the mouse doing at your house?"

A guy and his wife went to an expensive golf course.

He said to his wife, "Be careful of the expensive houses around us. I don't know if we can afford to break a window."
His wife tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house.
He said, "Oh no! We had better go ask how much it's gonna be."
So he and his wife go up to the house and see the door open.
They went inside and saw the golf ball lying next to a broken glass bottle.
A man walks up and says, "Thank you!"
The husband said, "I'm sorry about the..."
And the man interrupts, "Oh don't worry about the window. I have to thank you for getting me out of the bottle. You see, I'm a genie. So you get one wish and your wife gets one, but, in return, you have to give me one."
The husband asks for $100 million.
The genie says, "Done."
The wife asks for 80 exotic sports cars.
Genie says, "Done."
"Now, my wish is to have s**... with your wife because, you know, I've been trapped in that bottle for so long."
They agreed since their extravagant wishes had been granted.
And so the genie has s**... with the man's wife, not just once but many times.
When they're done, the genie asks the wife, "How old is your husband?"
She answers, "33."
And, the man said, "And he still believes in genies?"

Some years ago...

...a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?" The Spaniard replied; "No."

Christmas gift to a friend... could afford much but the payphone is cheap.

Me: "Hello, is this the Police?"
Police: "Yes. What do you want?"
Me: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Jones! He is hiding m**... inside logs of firewood in his woodshed"
Police:"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend upon Billy's house. They search the woodshed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split open every piece of wood, but find no m**.... They swore at Billy and left his property.
Soon after they leave the phone rings at Billy's house:
Me: "Hey, Billy! Did the Police come?"
Billy: "Yeah!"
Me: "Did they chop your firewood?"
Billy: "Yep."
Me: "Merry Christmas, Buddy!"

True happiness

Three men, an American, a Frenchman and a (Soviet) Russian are having a chat about real happiness.
The American says, "I will tell you what real happiness is. It is a loving wife, well behaved kids and a steady job with good pay so I can afford a nice house, a big car and a big television to watch football. That is all I need to get real happiness."
The Frenchman scoffs, "That is so boring and bourgeouis. Real happiness is having a lot of friends to drink fine wine with, and having lot of time to enjoy your life of leisure."
The Russian takes a long swig of v**..., blinks and says, "My friends, you really don't know. Real happiness is waking up to find the KGB knocks on your door at 2AM."
The American and the Frenchman are surprised. "What the heck do you mean? KGB at your door at 2 in the morning?"
"Yes," says the Russian, "you open the door and the KGB says 'Vassili Alexandryev, you need to come with us right now.' and you say, ['sorry gentlemen, Vassili Alexandryev lives in the next-door flat.'](/spoiler) That is when you have true happiness."

A Generous Lawyer

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass?"
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford anything to eat."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys says, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The lawyer replied, "You're going to love it there... the grass is a foot tall!"

Little Boy & $289,000 Mortgage

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too!..

..And I'll be d**... if I'm staying here by myself with a $289,000 mortgage and no f**...' bike!'

Explanation of the crisis in Italy & Greece.

A small town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".
Soon after, the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply
amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said;
"You see that bridge over there?"
The Italian replied; "No."

The Greek Prime Minister visits the Spanish Prime Minister.

The Spanish PM invites the Greek PM to his house.
"Wow! This is magnificent! How can you afford this amazing household when your country is in so much debt?? I see you've even added on so much to it!" says the Greek PM.
"Look out that window. Do you see that bridge? I had a 10 million euro budget to build a four lane, two way bridge. Instead, I built a one lane bridge with traffic lights on either end, for half as much" responded the Spanish PM.
"And the other 5 million?" asked the Greek PM.
The Spanish PM gestured to the add ons to his house.
The next week, the Spanish PM was invited to the Greek PM's house.
"This....this is amazing....how can you afford such a gorgeous mansion with so much debt in Greece??" asked the Spanish PM.
"Look out te window. Do you see that bridge?" asked the Greek PM.
"No." Said the Spanish PM.
The Greek PM just smiled.

Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be d**... if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"

Mortgage

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be d**... if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"

Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be d**... if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"

Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 15-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $85,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be d**... if I'm staying here by myself with an $85,000 mortgage and no bike!"

A sad story

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $489,000 and your mother just lost her job.
I'm sorry but there's no way we can afford it.
The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, Son, where are you going?
Little Johnny told him, I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be d**... if I'm staying here by myself with a $489,000 mortgage and no f**...' bike.