Following is our collection of Afford jokes which are very funny. There are some afford tuition jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these afford affordable puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market
and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.
She asks what are they made of.
The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.
The woman said she could not afford that.
The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.
...until he found a way to overcome this problem.
His friends noticed the dramatic change.
"You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied.
'I haven't had a single problem since."
"A thousand a week," said Doug. "You can't afford that, how are you going to pay him?"
"Tom replied, "That's his problem."
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
The husband picks up a case of Fosters and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Fosters, and it's half the price.'
Go to an airport. They give free x-rays and mammograms, and if you mention al-Qaeda, they'll throw in a free colonoscopy too!
A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have sex.
One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife humping the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner."
I can't afford her, but you probably could.
I can't afford it.
You can explore afford pricey reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean afford provide dad jokes. There are also afford puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
"I need to close up this wound, doc", says the man, "but I can't afford for you to do it, so can you just give me the needle and thread so I can do it myself?"
The doctor says; "sure, suture self"
...it was repossessed!
An older man was asked how he had stayed married so long. So he said that the secret to a long, happy relationship was to put a dollar in a jar everytime he looked lustfully at another woman. That way, he could afford to take his wife on an annual vacation.
He was too poor to afford shoes, so he often had sores on his feet, and since he was old, he could easily break his bones if he was not careful. He also had a very bad diet, so his breath smelt terrible.
I guess you could say he was a....
**Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed with Halitosis**
We couldn't afford a dog.
Courtesy of Gary Delaney
Well, he couldn't afford a dog.
With the rising cost of inflation he couldn't afford it anymore.
I could afford to wipe my shoes on a proper door mat
It's tempting, but I don't think I can afford it.
She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from sex.
The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in intercourse, but unfortunately the zoo couldn't afford to import a male gorilla just for her to have sex.
Giving his funding situation, he goes up to the janitor and asks him "Hey, for $500, would you have sex with this gorilla?"
The janitor thought about it for a minute, and then replied "Sure, on three conditions. First condition, I don't want to kiss her."
"Okay sure! I wouldn't expect you to!"
The janitor then stated "Second condition. I don't want anyone knowing about this ordeal."
"Sure, fine! Not a problem! What's your third condition?"
Janitor said "Give me at least 2 weeks to come up with the $500"
So I took them to our local fish market, saying, "Shhhh... they're all asleep."
They couldn't afford it.
But he couldn't afford her speaking fees
He can binomial.
that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.
Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.
Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.
Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack.
Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains.
Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets.
Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.
...so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
...that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
I could afford a house in the economy they ruined
"I help the girls get dressed and undressed."
"Great gig. How much?"
"Twenty dollars a day."
"That's not very much."
"It's all I can afford."
Dr.Pepper
Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
If you can't afford the payments the priest will repossess your house
It turns out that's just a metaphor.
Anyway, I have a stethoscope for sale.
These are the darkest days of my life...
because he is rich and can afford high quality ingredients!..
He was Baroque.
Because they can't afford to be seen
Because I picked you up on the street, and now I can't afford to pay you.
We couldn't afford a dog
Ohm-less
Because if they give you six months to live and you can't afford to pay your medical bills before then they'll give you another six months.
With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.
While passing the beer cooler I picked up a case and put it in the cart.
She asked what was I doing and I said "10 dollars is cheap for a case of beer."
She replied, "We can't afford it, put it back."
So I put it back, and a few more Isles down, she picked up a 20 dollar jar of face cream and put it in the cart.
I asked, "How can we afford this?"
She replied, "Because this makes my face pretty."
I said so will a case of beer at half the price.
So I took them to the fish market and said "Shhh, they're sleeping".
Now I'm worried that I'm going to get repossessed
Going down one of the aisles I noticed they had beer on sale $10 a case. I put it in the cart and she told me to put it back we couldn't afford it.
A couple aisles later she picks up a jar of face cream for 20 dollars.
I asked how come we can afford this and not the beer.
She said this makes my face pretty.
I said so will a case of beer for half the price.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
Use latex gloves instead. They're cheaper, and you can use them five times.
It's called "Doctors without Boarders."
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 15-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $85,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $85,000 mortgage and no bike!"
Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.
It'll cost me an arm and a leg.
My wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would need to quit.
Then I caught her buying expensive makeups.
I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.
I told her that's what the beer was for.
The man says, "I can't afford your hourly rate, but if I give you $200 will you answer two questions for me?"
The lawyer says, "Absolutely - what is your second question?"
So i sent him a "get well soon" card
Their house was repossessed.
He was baroque.
Because he's rich and can afford the best ingredients
I'm getting a head of myself.
My wife started having sex with me again because she can't afford batteries.
That's to bad eh, they're parents could'nt afford hockey equipment growing up.
I could not afford a pair so I bought a monocle instead -
at least now I have 1920 vision.
I could finally afford to pay someone for original jokes.
Because he was Baroque
You'll thank yourself in the long run.
"That'll be 1.254,430,197 bolivars, sir!"
"1,279,722,978 bolivars?! No one can afford a 1,327,003,407 bolivar beer!"
It's not my fault we couldn't afford a proper burial for their grandmother.
High definition.
Because they cannot afford to pay attention.
He repossessed my home.
"Well, my house is worth 8 million dollars!" One of them said "Ha! Mine is worth 11 million!" The other said so I chimed in "You guys must be poor, my roof in itself is worth 200 million!"
Puzzled, they both asked me "Woah! Where do you even live? How can you afford all that?!" When I told them where I lived they were left dumbfounded. They just couldn't believe I lived under an overpass!
I can't afford the cost of inflation.
wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
Previously, it was because I couldn't afford it
Those were the darkest days of my life
I know it's not much but it's all I could afford.
After telling her boyfriend she cries 'How are we going to afford so many babies?'
He says 'It couldn't tell you that, how many did it say we're having?'
'98.6!'
I sent him a Get well soon card
Those were the darkest days of my life.
We couldn't afford a car.
But after years of hard labour and pain, I still can't. But my boss has five.
Every other year we don't go because we can't afford it.
So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.
Some people wanna have enough money to buy a bike. Others a car. Others would like to be rich enough to hire a chauffeur. However I dream bigger than that, I wanna be able to afford an ambulance ride in the United States
...so I'm pretty Madagascar is all I can afford.
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
An man goes to see his boss..
Boss, he says, we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff.
COVID has us short-handed, the boss replies. I can't afford to give anyone a day off.
The man says, Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!
Because they can't afford the train!
Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.
euro
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the afford mortgage jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working afford tolerate piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.