The Best 95 Afford Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Afford jokes. There are some afford tuition jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these afford affordable puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Afford Jokes and Puns
Thank god for dollar shave club
Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year
Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market
A woman goes into a store...
and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.
She asks what are they made of.
The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.
The woman said she could not afford that.
The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.
Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years...
...until he found a way to overcome this problem.
His friends noticed the dramatic change.
"You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied.
'I haven't had a single problem since."
"A thousand a week," said Doug. "You can't afford that, how are you going to pay him?"
"Tom replied, "That's his problem."
birthday
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket
The husband picks up a case of Fosters and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Fosters, and it's half the price.'
If you can't afford healthcare...
Go to an airport. They give free x-rays and mammograms, and if you mention al-Qaeda, they'll throw in a free colonoscopy too!
A poor couple...
A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have sex.
One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife humping the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner."
My lovelife is like a ferrari.
I can't afford it.
A man walks into a doctor's office with a very deep cut.
"I need to close up this wound, doc", says the man, "but I can't afford for you to do it, so can you just give me the needle and thread so I can do it myself?"
The doctor says; "sure, suture self"
You can explore afford pricey reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean afford provide dad jokes. There are also afford puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What happened when the man couldn't afford the mortgage on his haunted house?
...it was repossessed!
An older man was asked how he had stayed married so long...
An older man was asked how he had stayed married so long. So he said that the secret to a long, happy relationship was to put a dollar in a jar everytime he looked lustfully at another woman. That way, he could afford to take his wife on an annual vacation.
There once was an old mystic
He was too poor to afford shoes, so he often had sores on his feet, and since he was old, he could easily break his bones if he was not careful. He also had a very bad diet, so his breath smelt terrible.
I guess you could say he was a....
**Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed with Halitosis**
As a child I was made to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
Courtesy of Gary Delaney
Did you hear about the pirate who used to walk the plank every night?
Well, he couldn't afford a dog.
If I had a dollar for every time I stepped on the cat when I arrived home...
I could afford to wipe my shoes on a proper door mat
My girlfriend asked if I would spend a month away from her for 5000 dollars.
It's tempting, but I don't think I can afford it.
A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..
She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from sex.
The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in intercourse, but unfortunately the zoo couldn't afford to import a male gorilla just for her to have sex.
Giving his funding situation, he goes up to the janitor and asks him "Hey, for $500, would you have sex with this gorilla?"
The janitor thought about it for a minute, and then replied "Sure, on three conditions. First condition, I don't want to kiss her."
"Okay sure! I wouldn't expect you to!"
The janitor then stated "Second condition. I don't want anyone knowing about this ordeal."
"Sure, fine! Not a problem! What's your third condition?"
Janitor said "Give me at least 2 weeks to come up with the $500"
I couldn't afford to take my kids to Sea World.
So I took them to our local fish market, saying, "Shhhh... they're all asleep."
Why did vatican invite Bernie not Hillary?
They couldn't afford it.
I heard the Pope's first choice for a guest was in fact Hillary...
But he couldn't afford her speaking fees
I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch.
He can binomial.
My cousin is so poor....
that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.
Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car.
Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.
Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.
Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack.
Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains.
Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets.
Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore...
...so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
If I had a dollar every time a baby boomer insulted me...
I could afford a house in the economy they ruined
Whats the only type of Doctor most American's can afford?
Dr.Pepper
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday"
Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
You've got to be careful when getting your house exorcised
If you can't afford the payments the priest will repossess your house
I finally saved up enough money that I could afford to listen to my heart.
It turns out that's just a metaphor.
Anyway, I have a stethoscope for sale.
I'm so much in debt, I can't afford to pay my electric bill...
These are the darkest days of my life...
how come Michael J. Fox can make such good milkshakes?
because he is rich and can afford high quality ingredients!..
Why are homeless people the best spies
Because they can't afford to be seen
Hey girl, are you a parking ticket?
Because I picked you up on the street, and now I can't afford to pay you.
As a kid I was made to walk the plank...
We couldn't afford a dog
I just made this one up and it's really stupid. What do you call a resistor that can't afford rent?
Ohm-less
Why do Jews make the best doctors?
Because if they give you six months to live and you can't afford to pay your medical bills before then they'll give you another six months.
My wife asked if I would divorce her if I won the lottery. I said no, of course.
With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.
I went to the store with my wife!
While passing the beer cooler I picked up a case and put it in the cart.
She asked what was I doing and I said "10 dollars is cheap for a case of beer."
She replied, "We can't afford it, put it back."
So I put it back, and a few more Isles down, she picked up a 20 dollar jar of face cream and put it in the cart.
I asked, "How can we afford this?"
She replied, "Because this makes my face pretty."
I said so will a case of beer at half the price.
I couldn't afford to take the kids to SeaWorld...
So I took them to the fish market and said "Shhh, they're sleeping".
I went shopping with my wife.
Going down one of the aisles I noticed they had beer on sale $10 a case. I put it in the cart and she told me to put it back we couldn't afford it.
A couple aisles later she picks up a jar of face cream for 20 dollars.
I asked how come we can afford this and not the beer.
She said this makes my face pretty.
I said so will a case of beer for half the price.
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
Can't afford condoms?
Use latex gloves instead. They're cheaper, and you can use them five times.
Patrick wants a bike...
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 15-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $85,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $85,000 mortgage and no bike!"
The Winter Olympics.
Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.
Doctor says I need an amputation, but I can't afford it..
It'll cost me an arm and a leg.
A man walks into a lawyer's office...
The man says, "I can't afford your hourly rate, but if I give you $200 will you answer two questions for me?"
The lawyer says, "Absolutely - what is your second question?"
Have you heard the one about the family who couldn't afford to pay the exorcist?
Their house was repossessed.
Why couldn't Bach afford a new harpsichord?
He was baroque.
Why does Michael J. Fox make really good milkshakes?
Because he's rich and can afford the best ingredients
I just ordered a realistic replica of my likeness from the neck up. Hopefully someday I can afford the full body option but...
I'm getting a head of myself.
The cost of living has gotten really high.
My wife started having sex with me again because she can't afford batteries.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 50 said my generation was lazy.
I could finally afford to pay someone for original jokes.
Why couldn't Bach afford a new baton?
Because he was Baroque
Buy the best running shoes you can afford.
You'll thank yourself in the long run.
"There are dinosaur bones buried out back!", I told my kids.
It's not my fault we couldn't afford a proper burial for their grandmother.
I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.
High definition.
I couldn't afford to pay the priest who carried out my exorcism.
He repossessed my home.
For the first time in my life, I can't go for a holiday because of COVID-19
Previously, it was because I couldn't afford it
In college I was so broke I couldn't afford the electricity bill
Those were the darkest days of my life
I once had a job at a burlesque club helping the girls in and out of their costumes for $100 a week.
I know it's not much but it's all I could afford.
A blonde takes a pregnancy test and it comes out positive...
After telling her boyfriend she cries 'How are we going to afford so many babies?'
He says 'It couldn't tell you that, how many did it say we're having?'
'98.6!'
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
I sent him a Get well soon card
In my college days I was so broke I couldn't afford the electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of my life.
When I was a teenager, I had to learn how to drive a stick.
We couldn't afford a car.
When I was younger I couldn't afford a house.
But after years of hard labour and pain, I still can't. But my boss has five.
This is the first year that we didn't go to Hawaii because of coronavirus...
Every other year we don't go because we can't afford it.
My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill...
So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
A Day Off
An man goes to see his boss..
Boss, he says, we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff.
COVID has us short-handed, the boss replies. I can't afford to give anyone a day off.
The man says, Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!
Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because they can't afford the train!
Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
A husband and wife were grocery shopping...
He picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They continue shopping. Later on, she puts a £20 jar of face cream in the basket. "What are you doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. He said, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."
What's the difference between a Tesla and an ambulance?
You can afford a ride in a Tesla.
I bought a very expensive limousine but couldn't afford to hire a driver.
Spent all my money and had nothing to chauffeur it.
The game monopoly is fin, but has some major out of date stuff.
There's free parking, a luxury tax, you can actually afford to pay rent, and rich people can actually go to jail.
There was a point in time where I couldn't afford to pay my electricity bills
Those were darkest days of my life.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.
I could almost afford a small popcorn.
I spent years looking for my mother-in-laws killer
They were all asking for more money than I could afford.
Joe is hiring a hitman from a well respected mafioso to kill his business partner.
The man asks, "How do I know you won't just let him pay you twice as much, and then kill me?"
The mob boss leans back and says, "Well Joe, you can always get the insurance policy."
"Insurance policy?"
"Yeah. For five times the fee I absolutely guarantee that the other guy can no longer afford to."
My parents made a decent living as fisherman even though they could only afford a boat made of balsa wood.
They didn't have real hardship.
A husband walks into his bedroom to find his wife pulling all her clothes out of the closet.
"What's going on here?"
The wife replies that she's just looking for stuff to donate.
"Why don't you just throw them out?" The husband asks.
"Dear! There are so many unfortunate people who could use these clothes!"
The husband replies without missing a beat, "Honey, I know you mean well but anyone who can afford to eat enough to fit in your clothes isn't exactly unfortunate!"
I couldn't afford an Ancestry DNA kit...
So I just announced that I had won the lottery. I soon found out to all my relatives are.
They think there's a workers shortage now?
Wait until the kids we can't afford to have don't grow up.
In college, my roommates and I were so broke, we couldn't afford to pay the electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of our lives.
100 years ago everybody rode horses around, and only the wealthy could afford cars
Today everybody drives cars, and only the wealthy can afford horses
Oh how the stables have turned
When I was a kid I really wanted a Great Dane
But all my parents could afford was an Okay Swede.
Despite inflation, what can everyone still afford?
Soil, it's always dirt cheap.
A man tells his friend, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.
She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped."
His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"
The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
The man sighed. "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"
After years of saving, John was able to finally afford a nice car. When he drove by, it would turn all the heads in town, but he would never acknowledge it.
For I do not speak of my own accord - John 12:49
There's 4 main rules when looking a good woman in a relationship:
1) Find a woman who's a good cook an an and keeps a clean home.
2) Find a woman who is fiscally responsible and appreciative of gifts you can afford.
3) Find a woman who is passionate and reallllllly good in the sack.
4) And The Most Important of All: Make sure they never find out about one another.
When we were in college, my roommates and I were so poor that we couldn't afford to pay our electric bills.
It was…the darkest days of our lives.
I asked my wife, how can we afford to drive when gas costs $500 per gallon?
She told me I was missing the point
You know why there's Four Horsemen in the Apocalypse?
Because they can't afford any gasoline!
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the afford mortgage jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working afford tolerate piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.