Following is our collection of marital humor and relationship one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Affair puns for adults, dirty private affair jokes or clean matter gags for kids.
There is an abundance of rendezvous jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 81 funniest jokes on affair. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any amorous witze you can hear about affair.
"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".
Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.
A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
I said: How can you say such a thing?
Me:
*handing the menu to the waiter*
-I'll have the affair as well.
Patient: OK.
Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife since last year.
Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.
The priest said, Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?
Never Father… I'm Jewish.
So then, why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!
I said, "How can you say such a thing?"
Patient: OK.
Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now.
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
I said "well, actually I am too."
She said "it's with your best friend, John"
"THAT SONOFABITCH IS CHEATING ON ME!?"
I recently had an affair with a jar of chocolate spread ..... If you see my wife, you better Nutella
One of them is called Vladislav, the other is called Karl. After happily loving each other for a fair few years, Karl discovers Vladislav is having an affair with Vladimir.
Devastated, Karl gets onto his knees in front of Vladislav and bellows:
"VLADISLAV? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!"
He's been proper miserable lately.
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid, so she laid down a trap.
One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home and didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, "Please excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words and had his way with her.
When they were finished and both still panting, the wife said, "Well my dear, you didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And turned on the light.
"Absolutely not!", said her son.
At first there is a lot of blowing, but in the end, you just lose your house.
The pharmacist looked stunned and couldn't believe what she had asked for but he was still curious.
"Why would you want to get cyanide?"
The women replied, "My husband has been having an affair and I want to poison him."
The pharmacist tried to reason with the woman, " I can't do this for you. I would lose my license and you and I would go to prison for this."
Then the woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband and a woman going into a motel. Upon closer inspection the woman in the picture was the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looks at the woman and says, "Why didn't you just say you had a prescription?"
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put £50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
"I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box and, according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
The dad told the son, take this $10 and don't tell your mum please!"
The son answered, but dad this is not fair!! Mum gave me $50 when I caught her with the security Man.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
For years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone." said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths." the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
.. but before he could talk about it with her she suddenly died in a freak accident. As the person with whom she was having the affair was a neighbourhood guy, the husband also invited him at the funeral ceremony.
At the ceremony the husband somehow was in control of himself but the lover was inconsolable and finally broke down completely. The husband could not contain himself any further, he went to the guy, patted him on the shoulder, hugged him, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Don't worry mate, I am going to marry again soon."
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says, I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.
His second friend says, I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.
Paddy says, I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
No, I'm serious, Paddy says. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.
Daughter: Dad, do I get a new Iphone?
Dad: What's the magic word?
Daughter: Larissa!
Dad: Larissa??
Daughter: yes, your affair!
Dad: Do you want a cover with your Iphone too?
First guy says, "I'm sure my wife is having an affair with a plumber. Yesterday when I came home I found a lot of plumbing equipment under our bed that don't belong to me."
Second guy says, "I'm sure my wife is having an affair with an electrician. I came home yesterday to find an electrician's toolbox under our bed."
Third guy says, "You guys have it easy. My wife is having an affair with a horse!"
- "A horse?! How'd you find that out?"
- "Well, yesterday I came home to find a horse jockey hiding under our bed!"
One day you're laying next to the woman you love, the next your wife finds out about the affair.
One melon says to the other, "baby, I love you so much. I just wanna sneak away and get married right now."
The other responds, "no, we cantaloupe."
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him. "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing, but slowly turns up to speed to 60 mph.
"I don't want you to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
70 mph.
"I want the house as well."
75 mph.
"I want the kids."
80 mph.
"And I want the bank account and all the credit cards."
85 mph.
"You're taking this incredibly calmly," she said. "Isn't there anything you want?"
"I've got all I need."
"What's that?"
"The airbag."
Dentist: Now please take a seat, this will hurt a little.
Patient: Ok.
Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now.
Once upon a time, in the undersea kingdom, there lived a fish princess. This fish princess had fallen in love with a peasant crab.
When her father, the fish king, found out about their affair he forbade her to ever see him again. When she asked him why he replied "No daughter of mine will consort with a lowly sideways-walking crab!"
Devastated, but with no other choice, the fish princess goes to her crab and delivers the news. "My father says we can't be together," she tells him, "he says you're a lowly side-walker, and that I'm forbidden to see you." The crab, crushed by the news, turns and sadly walks away - sidewise, of course.
That night there was a gala ball at the fish palace. All the nobility of the undersea kingdom was there in attendance including, of course, the fish king and princess. Then, at the very height of festivities, the doors to the ballroom suddenly burst open... and there was the crab.
The entire room burst into excited whispers, all the attendees having heard the rumor of the princess' affair with a side-walking commoner. To their surprise, however, before their very eyes, the crab took one step forward... then another step forward... and another... walking forward down the red carpet toward the king on his throne.
As the crab approached the king the room went silent in anticipation. The crab looked the king square in the eye... opened his mouth... and slurred "I am soooooo super drunk right now."
...and orders a beer. The barman gives him a beer and tells him that it is on the house.
When the man orders a second beer, he tries to pay but the barman refuses to take his money.
This continues for well over an hour, and the man realizes that the barman isn`t charging anyone for the drinks.
Finally he asks the barman why he is giving all the booze away for free. The barman answers, "I just found out that the owner is having an affair with my wife. So I am doing to his business what he`s doing to her."
It was a real black-Thai affair.
and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, & went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...
When he finished & was still panting, the wife said: You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you? And then she switched on the light...
No madam, said the gardener…
I admited to an old friend that I was having an affair.
"Is is catered?"
He's just been so miserable lately.
She loved two Mennonite.
How could she stoop so low?
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
Upon entry, St.Peter says, "You will be rewarded based on how honest and faithful you were in your relationships."
The first man had never cheated on his wife and was extremely faithful. So he was given a Cadillac.
The second man had once had an affair but had soon changed and was faithful after that. He was given a Honda.
The last man who had cheated quite a lot on his partners was given a bike.
A few days later, the guy with the bike sees the Cadillac guy crying. He asks him, "Why are you crying? you have everything you could ever want here."
He replies, "I just saw my wife on a bicycle."
The patient replied, "It's ok doc, I'm ready."
The dentist went on, "I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now.
Patient: OK.
Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now."
That's one hole that never really healed.
During their 50th anniversary outing, the husband says, "Honey, I love you very much but I have to be honest with you. Early in our marriage I had an affair. It was strictly sexual, and it ended quickly."
His wife smiles and forgives him, but after a couple holes says, "Since we're confessing old transgressions, I should tell you that before we were married... I was a man."
The husband pauses, then becomes furious. He throws his hat to the ground, turns beat red and paces around. Finally he says, "You mean to tell me I've let you tee off from the women's tee all these years for nothing!"
It's usually a sorted affair.
For two years a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy and secretly have the child. He said, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18, and also pay for college. She ......agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back in the message area. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' He said 'Just give it to me and I'll explain it later.' She gave it to him and then watched as her husband turned white, then fainted after he read the card. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Please send extra sauce!!
"Well...," a friend replies, "...I'm going to be honest with you: you should take advantage of that, she's not for you. She is seeing other guys, she even had an affair with me, your best friend! I'm glad she said that. How did she start the conversation?"
The other guy stays speechless for a while. "she... was studying for a test, for physics. She needed random numbers to calculate velocity."
I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my Mrs. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?
Cheers
Dentist: Be advised: this will hurt a lot!
Patient: Nahh don't worry. I can deal with pain very well.
Dentist: I have an affair with your wife since 2009...
Elon-Gate seems to be a long drawn out affair.
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is.
"I promised not to tell!" he says.
"Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks.
"No, and I said I wouldn't tell."
"Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?"
"No, and I still won't tell!"
'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?"
"No," says the boy.
'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months."
Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."
But he is secretly having an affair with his neighbor Claire Lee.
One day Lorraine discovers her husband has been cheating on her and swiftly packs her bags and leaves the next morning.
The man doesn't mind, and on his way to see Claire Lee the next morning he can't stop singing that one song
"I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone"
a woman walks into her hypnotherapists office and says " Doctor, I have been loyal to my husband for 12 years but, last night I broke that loyalty and had an affair. I just want you to make me forget it happened". The Doctor said " Not again"
There are three men sat around a table in a bar.
The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there"
The second man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a carpenter. Last night I found a toolbelt in the laundry basket, and we've not had any renovations to the house for years..."
The third man says, "I'm in the same boat, but I don't think you two have it as bad. My wife is having an affair with a horse!
When I got home last night I found a jockey hidden in the wardrobe."
It was a private affair.
After some time, Lois said Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I've regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.
You don't need to worry about that because, Clark said as he took off his glasses, I am Superman! Even if you didn't know it was me, in my eyes you were always faithful.
Oh thank God! said Lois. I can't tell you what a weight that is off my chest.
Glad we cleared that up, said Clark.
So I guess this means you were Batman too.
—Credit goes to cartoonist Zach Weinersmith
n old man went into confession and told the priest: Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice.
I see, said the priest. When was the last time you were in confession?
Never,Father , replied the old man. I'm Jewish
So why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!
It's now called Christianity or something
I came home one day and my mother looked distressed. She told me that she felt really terrible and that she'd been having an affair. She also told me that I couldn't tell dad.
"Why not?" I asked.
She replied, "Because he just passed away."
I told my mate that "I think my wife is having an affair."
"I'm sure you're imagining things," he said, "But to make sure nothing's going on, I'll stay with her at your house while you're at work."
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and declares, Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!
The hypnotherapist shakes his head. Not again …
A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: "Shut up, you're next."
When reached for a comment, his response want typical: "Nope, not true. Flake news."
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair. Distraught, neurotic even, she goes to a gunshop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun out of her purse, and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: Shut up … you're next!
They were in my laundry pile, next to my boxers.
Now she's mad, because I told her it was only a brief affair.
We have to stop, I think Spaghetti sauce!
He found a hare in his bed.
He was very well loved in the town, and every other doctor in the area came to his funeral. At the end they lowered him into the ground in a wondrous mahogany casket, shaped like a heart, lined with red velvet. It was a beautiful affair, but marred by a woman in the front row who couldn't stop laughing. After he was in the ground, she apologized, wiping her eyes, "I'm so sorry, it's just, I'm a gynecologist and I was imagining my own funeral."
Everyone had a good laugh, but then the proctologist fainted.
The priest calls on the congregation for an all night extensive prayer session. They pray and sing and ask God to heal the man's hearing. Quite tired from the all night Affair, the priest visits the man the next day. Did our prayers help your hearing he asked? Oh no, the man said the hearing is not until next week.
The worst part is I found out in the most blunt way possible. I was playing Call of Duty when I was informed by another player that he had carnal relations with my mother. The worst part is he sounded so young.
The wedding was a black-tie affair
One woman's affair which got out of hand.
1. A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Man: I just discovered that my wife is having an affair.
Woman: I caught my husband in bed with another woman.
Man: How about lets have sex together to get back at them?
Woman: Nice idea
Then they made passionate love.afterwards...
Woman: lets get back at them again!
They made love again for the second time.
Woman: Lets get back at them again!
They done the deed again and again to get back at their spouses. Then after the fifth time ...
Woman: Lets get back at them again!
Man: (looking very exhausted) I think we should forgive them already.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
...An affair begins. Onion romance has occurred.
They tie the knot; several months later they have a baby onion.
Father onion takes another shift to make ends meet.
Mother onion is encumbered with house work one day, much distracted.
Baby onion wanders out the open door unsupervised. It crosses the sidewalk and is hit by a car.
At the hospital mother and father onion pace up and down the hospital corridor, crying.
A team of surgeons try all night to save baby onion's life.
Towards dawn the doors to the hospital room open. A doctor walks out, sweating.
Father onion asks "well, what, how is baby onion?"
The surgeon says "well he'll live, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
A psychiatric tryst.
A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She comes home to find her husband in bed with a hot redhead. Furious she grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde replies: "Shut up... you're next!"
I came to my census
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
One intelligent man plus one intelligent woman have a romance.
One intelligent man plus one stupid woman have an affair.
One intelligent woman plus one stupid man get married.
One stupid man plus one stupid woman have kids.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.