"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".
Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.
A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
Me:
*handing the menu to the waiter*
-I'll have the affair as well.
Patient: OK.
Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife since last year.
Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.
The priest said, Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?
Never Father… I'm Jewish.
So then, why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!
I said, "How can you say such a thing?"
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier.
"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," he confided.
"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.
"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"
"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.
"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
I said "well, actually I am too."
She said "it's with your best friend, John"
"THAT SONOFABITCH IS CHEATING ON ME!?"
I recently had an affair with a jar of chocolate spread ..... If you see my wife, you better Nutella
One of them is called Vladislav, the other is called Karl. After happily loving each other for a fair few years, Karl discovers Vladislav is having an affair with Vladimir.
Devastated, Karl gets onto his knees in front of Vladislav and bellows:
"VLADISLAV? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!"
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, Its dark in here.
The man says, Yes, it is.
Boy ~ I have a baseball.
Man ~ That's nice.
Boy ~ Want to buy it?
Man ~ No, thanks.
Boy ~ My dad's outside.
Man ~ OK, how much?
Boy ~ $250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ Its dark in here.
Man ~ Yes, it is.
Boy ~ I have a baseball glove.
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?
Boy ~ $750?
Man ~ Fine.
A few days later, the father says to the boy, Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.
The boy says, I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.
The father asks, How much did you sell them for?
Boy ~ $1,000?
The father says, That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, Dark in here.
The priest says, Don't start that crap again.
He's been proper miserable lately.
At first there is a lot of blowing, but in the end, you just lose your house.
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid, so she laid down a trap.
One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home and didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, "Please excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words and had his way with her.
When they were finished and both still panting, the wife said, "Well my dear, you didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And turned on the light.
"Absolutely not!", said her son.
Wife's diary:
Thursday: I think...he's having an affair. I just don't know what to think. Today, when he came in from work he was so cold and distant with me, like his mind was somewhere else and there was something eating away at him inside. I asked him what was up and he just told me it doesn't matter, I'm fine, don't worry. I went up to bed and contemplated everything, and I realised that there could only be one reason he would be like this. But to my surprise he came up to bed and cuddled me tenderly and we made passionate love. Afterwards he fell asleep and I lie awake thinking about what's going on and cried. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's diary:
Thursday: Spurs lost. Gutted. Got a shag though.
The pharmacist looked stunned and couldn't believe what she had asked for but he was still curious.
"Why would you want to get cyanide?"
The women replied, "My husband has been having an affair and I want to poison him."
The pharmacist tried to reason with the woman, " I can't do this for you. I would lose my license and you and I would go to prison for this."
Then the woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband and a woman going into a motel. Upon closer inspection the woman in the picture was the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looks at the woman and says, "Why didn't you just say you had a prescription?"
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put £50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
"I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box and, according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet. A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."
When they both decided they needed to take a piss , so they quickly hopped over a wall into a cemetery and did their business.
A few days later the husbands of these two women were at the pub, when one said to the other "i think my wife is having a affair" "how come" the other one responded "well i found some flowers in her underwear the other day" the other guy quiclkly responded and said "you think thats bad i found a note, we will miss you lots, All the lads at the fire station.
The dad told the son, take this $10 and don't tell your mum please!"
The son answered, but dad this is not fair!! Mum gave me $50 when I caught her with the security Man.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone." said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths." the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
For years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
Getting her husband's voice right
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?"
The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold."
.. but before he could talk about it with her she suddenly died in a freak accident. As the person with whom she was having the affair was a neighbourhood guy, the husband also invited him at the funeral ceremony.
At the ceremony the husband somehow was in control of himself but the lover was inconsolable and finally broke down completely. The husband could not contain himself any further, he went to the guy, patted him on the shoulder, hugged him, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Don't worry mate, I am going to marry again soon."
Or do you believe Stormy Daniels?
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says, I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.
His second friend says, I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.
Paddy says, I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
No, I'm serious, Paddy says. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Affair? Well, here are the best Affair dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Affair pick up lines to share with friends.