The Best 81 Affair Jokes

Following is our collection of Affair jokes which are very funny. There are some affair relationship jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these affair matter puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Affair Jokes and Puns

A mormon was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,

"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".

Did you hear about the married Amish woman having an affair?

She loved two Mennonite.

A blonde buys a gun.

A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

Why don't you ask about the home life of a filing cabinet?

It's usually a sorted affair.

An Affair

I recently had an affair with a jar of chocolate spread ..... If you see my wife, you better Nutella


The definition of old...

I admited to an old friend that I was having an affair.

"Is is catered?"

A tornado is a lot like having an affair.

At first there is a lot of blowing, but in the end, you just lose your house.

I saw my friend's girl sleeping with another man in the army but didn't tell him...

It was a private affair.

Christianity

One woman's affair which got out of hand.

Christianity:

One woman's lie about an affair that got way, way out of hand.

Adultery

n old man went into confession and told the priest: Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice.
I see, said the priest. When was the last time you were in confession?
Never,Father , replied the old man. I'm Jewish
So why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!

You can explore affair marital reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean affair private affair dad jokes. There are also affair puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My mother is horrible at breaking bad news...

I came home one day and my mother looked distressed. She told me that she felt really terrible and that she'd been having an affair. She also told me that I couldn't tell dad.

"Why not?" I asked.

She replied, "Because he just passed away."

Today, my wife found a pair of her sister's panties in our room.

They were in my laundry pile, next to my boxers.

Now she's mad, because I told her it was only a brief affair.

Why did Vader deceive everyone about his love affair with the Emperor?

Because he was in Sidious.

Infinity loop

a woman walks into her hypnotherapists office and says " Doctor, I have been loyal to my husband for 12 years but, last night I broke that loyalty and had an affair. I just want you to make me forget it happened". The Doctor said " Not again"

There's a Russian gay couple...

One of them is called Vladislav, the other is called Karl. After happily loving each other for a fair few years, Karl discovers Vladislav is having an affair with Vladimir.

Devastated, Karl gets onto his knees in front of Vladislav and bellows:

"VLADISLAV? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!"

When I found out my wife was having an affair, I was heartbroken. I turned to religion to cope.

Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.

Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and declares, Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday 
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. Not again …

What do they call an affair with a psychiatrist?

A psychiatric tryst.


A survey of 10,000 asked if they'd have an affair with former President Clinton...

80% responded "Never again".

Two melons have a secret love affair...

One melon says to the other, "baby, I love you so much. I just wanna sneak away and get married right now."

The other responds, "no, we cantaloupe."

The Trap

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid, so she laid down a trap.

One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home and didn't tell her husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, "Please excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words and had his way with her.

When they were finished and both still panting, the wife said, "Well my dear, you didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And turned on the light.

"Absolutely not!", said her son.

My best mate have agreed to do me a great favour today.....

I told my mate that "I think my wife is having an affair."

"I'm sure you're imagining things," he said, "But to make sure nothing's going on, I'll stay with her at your house while you're at work."

The dentist said to his patient, This is going to hurt a little.

The patient replied, "It's ok doc, I'm ready."

The dentist went on, "I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now.

A man is married to his wife Lorraine

But he is secretly having an affair with his neighbor Claire Lee.
One day Lorraine discovers her husband has been cheating on her and swiftly packs her bags and leaves the next morning.
The man doesn't mind, and on his way to see Claire Lee the next morning he can't stop singing that one song
"I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone"

A woman with a lazy eye was having an affair..

They said she was seeing someone on the side.

On what grounds did the wife divorce her husband when she found out he was having an affair with the leader of Cuba?

Infidelity

A man visits his local dentist.

Dentist: Now please take a seat, this will hurt a little.

Patient: Ok.

Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now.

How did the church know that the Priest was having an Affair with the Nuns?

Because they heard them call the priest Daddy instead of Father.

Cheating

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

My African-American friend hooked up with a girl from Thailand...

It was a real black-Thai affair.

Dentist: This will hurt.

Patient: OK.

Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife since last year.

I just found out my mom had an affair.

The worst part is I found out in the most blunt way possible. I was playing Call of Duty when I was informed by another player that he had carnal relations with my mother. The worst part is he sounded so young.

What did the lasagna say to the pizza after having an affair for a while?

We have to stop, I think Spaghetti sauce!

I learned a lot from my affair with my health teacher

But not enough to pull out an A so I ended up going with plan B

A dentist warns his patient...

Dentist: Be advised: this will hurt a lot!
Patient: Nahh don't worry. I can deal with pain very well.
Dentist: I have an affair with your wife since 2009...

A woman goes to the pharmacy and asks for cyanide.

The pharmacist looked stunned and couldn't believe what she had asked for but he was still curious.

"Why would you want to get cyanide?"

The women replied, "My husband has been having an affair and I want to poison him."

The pharmacist tried to reason with the woman, " I can't do this for you. I would lose my license and you and I would go to prison for this."

Then the woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband and a woman going into a motel. Upon closer inspection the woman in the picture was the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looks at the woman and says, "Why didn't you just say you had a prescription?"

I finally realized I have a love affair with studying demographics

I came to my census

An elderly man walks into confession and says...

Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.

The priest said, Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?

Never Father… I'm Jewish.

So then, why are you telling me?

I'm telling everybody!

A boy caught his dad red handed having an affair with the maid.

The dad told the son, take this $10 and don't tell your mum please!"
The son answered, but dad this is not fair!! Mum gave me $50 when I caught her with the security Man.

Dentist: This will hurt a little.

Patient: OK.

Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now."

That's one hole that never really healed.

The magic word

Daughter: Dad, do I get a new Iphone?
Dad: What's the magic word?
Daughter: Larissa!
Dad: Larissa??
Daughter: yes, your affair!
Dad: Do you want a cover with your Iphone too?

How did the rabbit know his wife was having an affair?

He found a hare in his bed.

Wife: Why is you back all scratched up?

*Flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone* Me: I'm having an affair.

The Elderly Guy in Church

An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

*"So then, why are you telling me?"*

"I'm telling everybody."

Wife: I am having an affair

Me:
*handing the menu to the waiter*
-I'll have the affair as well.

I just found out my wife has been having an affair with a midget...

How could she stoop so low?

Trump allegedly had an affair with Tony the Tiger.

When reached for a comment, his response want typical: "Nope, not true. Flake news."

I had this affair with a girl from Paris

French with benefits.

My wife told me she's having an affair

I said "well, actually I am too."

She said "it's with your best friend, John"

"THAT SONOFABITCH IS CHEATING ON ME!?"

The wife just told me"I think you've had an affair with that Welsh tart, from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch".....

I said, "How can you say such a thing?"

Life is funny sometimes.

One day you're laying next to the woman you love, the next your wife finds out about the affair.

Math of Love

One intelligent man plus one intelligent woman have a romance.
One intelligent man plus one stupid woman have an affair.
One intelligent woman plus one stupid man get married.
One stupid man plus one stupid woman have kids.

I'm sure my mate is having an affair with my wife...

He's been proper miserable lately.

A man goes to see his priest about his hearing...

The priest calls on the congregation for an all night extensive prayer session. They pray and sing and ask God to heal the man's hearing. Quite tired from the all night Affair, the priest visits the man the next day. Did our prayers help your hearing he asked? Oh no, the man said the hearing is not until next week.

A Nigerian prince secretly orders a 2nd wife over the internet from Thailand.

The wedding was a black-tie affair

Why didn't Tom Hiddleston invite Chris Hemsworth to his Thor Ragnarok afterparty?

Tom wanted to keep it a loki affair.

Doctor - "This is gonna hurt a little." Patient - "Okay, I can take it."

Doctor - "I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now."

Over the last month, Elon Musk seems to be embroiled in one scandal after another.

Elon-Gate seems to be a long drawn out affair.

Some still tell the tale of the young woman who denyed her having an affair...

It's now called Christianity or something

Today my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance...

"Well...," a friend replies, "...I'm going to be honest with you: you should take advantage of that, she's not for you. She is seeing other guys, she even had an affair with me, your best friend! I'm glad she said that. How did she start the conversation?"

The other guy stays speechless for a while. "she... was studying for a test, for physics. She needed random numbers to calculate velocity."

My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.

I said: How can you say such a thing?

Dave's wife found out about his affair.

"How could you do it to me?" she cried.



"I couldn't," he replied. "That's why I had the affair."

Dentist: This will hurt a little.

Patient: OK.

Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now.

Writing jokes about sauce thickness is not a one off affair...

...it's about consistency.

I'm certain my best friend is having an affair with my wife.

He's just been so miserable lately.

Blonde fury

A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She comes home to find her husband in bed with a hot redhead. Furious she grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde replies: "Shut up... you're next!"Β 

A cheating husband

A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: "Shut up, you're next."

Blondes with guns

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair. Distraught, neurotic even, she goes to a gunshop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun out of her purse, and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: Shut up … you're next!

Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty?

They had a baby, Ruth.

There is a husband and a wife that, over their marriage, have eight kids.

One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, "Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?"

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, "So who is Billy's father?"

"You."

Three men are chatting when the first says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber.

"I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A pipe."

"I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician," says the second. "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A box of fuses."

"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse," says the third man.

The others stare, shocked and bewildered.

"How can you tell?" they ask.

"Because," replies the third man, "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A jockey."

A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the chemist's wife.
"Oh, that's different. I didnt realise you had a prescription"

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, So who is Billy's father?

You.

A man had an affair with a school secretary.

A man had an affair with a school secretary. A few years later, the secretary got the wrong number and called the man...

Sir, I'm sorry to inform you of this, but your child has committed a serious crime on school ground.

Oh no, the man replied. Was it arson?

My wife had an affair with my eye doctor

I didn't even see it coming.

Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?

It was icing on the cake.

A blonde man is convinced his wife is having an affair...

He buys a gun, comes home early from work, and sure enough there is his wife and another man, naked in bed. Without a word the blonde man pulls out the gun and blows the guy away. Looking his wife in the eyes he puts the gun to his head and starts pulling the trigger. No! No! Honey don't! The wife screams. The blonde man says Shut up! You're next!

Dave and his two friends are talking at a bar.

Dave and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."


His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."


Dave says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

I get so many robocalls

My wife thinks I'm having an affair with Scam Likely

A woman and her wealthy lover traveled across Europe

They started their tryst in Amsterdam, before traveling to Barcelona, then Cologne, and Dublin. After months of travel and steamy sex, they ended in Zurich.

It was a sorted affair.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the affair rendezvous jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working affair amorous piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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