Advised Jokes

66 advised jokes and hilarious advised puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about advised that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Advised Short Jokes

Short advised jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The advised humour may include short warned jokes also.

  1. Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausage and cheese. This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.
  2. Yesterday my wife got stung by a bee while golfing I asked where, and she informed me it was between the first and second holes. Being the helpful type, I advised her that her stance was too wide.
  3. Have you had to walk 500 miles and then you been advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation.
    Call Pro Claimers now.
  4. Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages. They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.
  5. My Doctor has advised me to stop drinking - its going to be a massive change for me. I've been with that doctor for 15 years...
  6. HURRICANE SANDY UPDATE Mitt Romney has advised everyone in the path of hurricane Sandy to make their way to their 2nd or 3rd homes immediately.
  7. My doctor has advised me to start running. I'm not sick or anything. I've just been sleeping with his wife.
  8. I only drink in Bars which have a lot of mirrors Doctor has advised me to watch my drinking
  9. News anchor: The CDC has advised no handshakes at this time. Cannibal: "Aww..." *STOPS BLENDER*
  10. My Doctor just advised me to quit drinking. This is going to be really difficult and a big adjustment... I've been with this Doctor for 35 years.

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Advised One Liners

Which advised one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with advised? I can suggest the ones about advice and instructed.

  1. My doctor advised me to stay away from trans fats. I guess I should really get off Tumblr
  2. Why is Trump so keen to stop counting votes? His advisers are rushin...
  3. I realize I'm not good advising suicidal people I said "hang in there!"
  4. What is the most ill advised thing? Taking a sick day.
  5. Looking for Jerome. Everytime I give people advise, they tell me to mind his business.
  6. Doctor's Advice My doctor advised me to lose weight. I fired Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
  7. What did the doctor advise the patient with gluten allergy? You need bread rest
  8. What's it called when a cow gives another cow advise Beef tips
  9. How to finish a race on time? Advise credits: mein kampf
  10. An apple pen is on the way Its box designer advised me to start saving some hunnids
  11. I won't have kids... And i hope my kids won't too, i'll advise them not to anyway.
  12. Word of advise Sometimes you have to take a chance at life and pour the milk first
  13. Pimples on teenagers are asterisks on things they say* *Listener discretion is advised
  14. Just asked Dumbledore how he looks after Hogwarts accounts He gave me Sage advise.
  15. My priest says he doesn't understand irony... He loves to advise on matrimony!!!

Advised joke, My priest says he doesn't understand irony...

Heartwarming Advised Jokes that Make You Laugh

What funny jokes about advised you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean suggested jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make advised pranks.

A Card

Man, am I scared! confided p**... to Seamus, looking furtively around the pub. I just got a card from a guy saying that he would shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.
Well, stay away from his wife, advised Seamus, and you have got no problem.
How can I? moaned p**..., he did not sign his name.

Australian soccer team bus c**...

Prime minister Tony Abbott was advised of an accident involving the Socceroos team bus. "Sir, the team is OK, but 6 Brazilian people were killed."
Obviously shaken up Tone took a minute to compose himself before asking "... Exactly how many is a brazillion?"

A man went to the vet for advice to curb his racist dog that kept barking at his Asian neighbour.

"Muzzle him" the vet advised.
The man paused, and exclaimed, "could be, he does have a big beard"

Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about.

It was just the start of China's two-child policy.

Don't Ever Let Him See You Completely n**...

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of
marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the n**...," she advised. "You
should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband
were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there
ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night
you've worn that silly hat to bed."

A sales assistant advised me on the liquor to buy for the holiday season recently

She was my spirit guide.

Doctor and Lady

Doctor: You are looking so weak and exhausted! Are you properly taking 3 meals a day as I had advised?
Lady: Oh my god! I heard 3 males a day.

So I was going to blame my pet ostrich for a crime i committed

But my lawyer advised that it wouldn't fly in court.

The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far it's going really well.

I've resisted going to the gym for six days now.

My dad wanted to expand his bar to access more customers

I advised him to make it a gay bar and flip the stools upside down. that way the seating is quadrupled.

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.

A little boy playing in front of his house saw him and called,
What've you got in your truck?
Fertilizer, the farmer replied.
What are you going to do with it? asked the little boy.
Put it on strawberries, answered the farmer.
You ought to live here, the little boy advised him. We put sugar and cream on ours!

A dentist warns his patient...

Dentist: Be advised: this will hurt a lot!
Patient: Nahh don't worry. I can deal with pain very well.
Dentist: I have an affair with your wife since 2009...

My doctor advised me for stress reduction to listen to opera music

He gave me a CD. I've been listening all night but I'm not sure if its actually having an effect. It says on the cover the guys name is Placebo Domingo.

My grandfather advised me to invest my money in bonds

So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.

I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all...

...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

My personal trainer advised me to start eating pieces of metal that you place in a lock and parts of people's feet.

It's the keytoe diet.

I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival

My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal

George Bush was sitting down at his desk during his morning briefing.

His chief of staff advised him that 3 Brazilian people had died this morning in a helicopter c**....
George sat there sulking in his chair and began weeping (uncharacteristically) to himself.
Sir, is everything alright? stated his chief of staff, to which George replied, How many is a Brazilian?

My wife crashed our car this morning.

When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.
The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.

My friend recently advised me to invest in m**... businesses...

Apparently it's a growing industry.

I have a 10 month old son and we've been advised that because of the executive travel ban, we shouldn't travel internationally with him until patellas develop.

Because right now, they're pseudo-knees.

My friend advised me to date a cat owner..

..because they can love someone who doesn't even like them back

A man once advised me to not waste electricity. "Using more power results in more electricity bills"

I told myself,

***Watt good advice***

I watched a show last night and at the beginning it said "Viewer discretion is advised"

Unfortunately that's all I can tell you about that

Adam walks into a cafe and orders tea

Adam ordered a cup of tea in a cafe.
So, a waiter brought it for him but dipped his fingers in it.
Adam asked "Hey m**..., why are you dipping your fingers in my tea?"
The waiter replied, "My finger is injured and the doctor advised me to keep it warm."
Adam said, "Then shove it up your a**...!"
Then the waiter said, "Yeah, that's where I keep it when I am not carrying tea"

Johnny wanted to impress the girls in his swimming class.

So he asked his dad what to do.
"Son, just put a potato in your pants, and you'll attract them all!" His dad advised.
The next day after practice, Johnny looked pretty gloomy.
His dad asked, "What's wrong? Did the advice I give you not work?"
"It would've," cried Johnny. "If you told me to put it in the FRONT!"

A good psychologist once advised me to shut out all the negative people that remind me of my dark past and move on

It's been more than a month since I've gone to him and I am already starting to feel better

The seven dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of 6...

One of them isn't Happy!

Scientists have recently discovered that 3 out of 5 habitual m**... users developed over productive saliva glands.

When asked if anything can be done, one leading scientist advised, "Yes, you can either spit, or get off the p**...".

Jeffery d**... is in his kitchen, using his blender...

... when his phone goes off in his pocket. It was a notification from the CDC:
"The public is still advised to avoid direct contact from others through cordial gestures during this pandemic, such as hugs or ***handshakes.*** "
"Awwwwww..." Jeffery mopes, as he turns off his blender.

Dog Show Hair Remover

A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the pharmacist for some hair remover. The pharmacist gave her the product requested and advised, "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes." "Errr... it's not for my armpits," she flustered, embarrassed, "it's for my Chihuahua" "Oh well, in that case," said the pharmacist, "don't ride a bike for twenty minutes."

Why do sharks eat underwater internet cables?

They were advised to have more fiber in their diet.

My mother advised me not to marry an electrician

"Don't marry an electrician, he will take late night calls and plug himself into other women", my mother warned me.
"Don't marry a plumber either", she continued, "he will work on weekends and do other women's pipes".
"Don't marry a pizza boy neither. He will work on Friday nights and make other women pizzas"
And that's why I married an unemployed man!

News just in, a lorry carrying onions has sheded its load all over the M1 motorway.

Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on

My therapist told me a great way to deal with people I hate....

She advised me to write them letters and then burn them.
I tried it... I feel much better....but should I keep the letters?

I wanted to study History at university, but I was advised not to.

People told me there's no future in it.

My daughter said she's struggling with a mean girl at school

I advised her to tell her that she's average.

My gym instructor advised me to wear loose clothing while exercising.

I would not have joined the gym if I had any loose clothing.

I asked my friend why he only wore a mask when he was in church.

He said his doctor advised him to wear them religiously.

Jesus encourages us to confess our sins.

Something my lawyer has specifically advised against.

In the early 90's, a lonely stray dog wanted a friend and got an idea when reading an old paper...

So the dog walked into the local paper to place an advert in the social column. "I'm lonely" advised the dog "please place an ad that reads: *Woof woof woof. Woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof woof. Woof. Woof*."
The sales consultant writes it all down before offering "I'll let you in on a secret, for the same price, I can actually add two more woofs?".
Came the reply from the dog "But - then it wouldn't make sense?"

Advised joke, In the early 90's, a lonely stray dog wanted a friend and got an idea when reading an old paper...

jokes about advised