Advised Jokes

Following is our collection of advice humor and reduce one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Advised puns for adults, dirty recommend jokes or clean consult gags for kids.

There is an abundance of hazardous jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 44 funniest jokes on advised. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any cautious witze you can hear about advised.

The Best jokes about Advised

My doctor advised me to stay away from trans fats.

I guess I should really get off Tumblr

Yesterday my wife got stung by a bee while golfing

I asked where, and she informed me it was between the first and second holes. Being the helpful type, I advised her that her stance was too wide.

My wife crashed our car this morning.

When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.

The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.

HURRICANE SANDY UPDATE

Mitt Romney has advised everyone in the path of Hurricane Sandy to make their way to their 2nd or 3rd homes immediately.

A Card

Man, am I scared! confided Paddy to Seamus, looking furtively around the pub. I just got a card from a guy saying that he would shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.

Well, stay away from his wife, advised Seamus, and you have got no problem.

How can I? moaned Paddy, he did not sign his name.


My doctor has advised me to start running.

I'm not sick or anything. I've just been sleeping with his wife.

I only drink in Bars which have a lot of mirrors

Doctor has advised me to watch my drinking

George Bush was sitting down at his desk during his morning briefing.

His chief of staff advised him that 3 Brazilian people had died this morning in a helicopter crash.

George sat there sulking in his chair and began weeping (uncharacteristically) to himself.

Sir, is everything alright? stated his chief of staff, to which George replied, How many is a Brazilian?

News Anchor: The CDC has advised no handshakes at this time.

Cannibal: "Aww..." *STOPS BLENDER*

My Doctor just advised me to quit drinking. This is going to be really difficult and a big adjustment...

I've been with this Doctor for 35 years.

Don't Ever Let Him See You Completely Naked

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of
marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You
should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband
were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there
ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night
you've worn that silly hat to bed."


A fat redneck went to a doctor to check on his heart condition.

The doctor advised him to stop eating meat with high fat contents, while low fat meat are still OK to eat. The redneck was confused which are which, so the doctor gave simple explanation; "You may only eat animal which swims in the water, like fishes for example."

A week later, the doctor went to the redneck house to check on him. The doctor found him around a pool in the back of his trailer. The doctor asked "What are you doing here?". Redneck answered "Oh hi mister doctor, I'm just teachin ma cow to swim."

I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all...

...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

Old sex life.

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.

'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee,he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'

What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to
make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'Was the sex not good?'

'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years...
but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'

An older man was married to a younger woman.

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

Johnny wanted to impress the girls in his swimming class.

So he asked his dad what to do.

"Son, just put a potato in your pants, and you'll attract them all!" His dad advised.

The next day after practice, Johnny looked pretty gloomy.

His dad asked, "What's wrong? Did the advice I give you not work?"

"It would've," cried Johnny. "If you told me to put it in the FRONT!"

Military Benefits

Cpl. Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Cpl. Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain decided one day to stand in the back of the room to observe and listen to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the room full of new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government will pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.

If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which enlistees do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Airman Jones was assigned

to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

I visited an old, abandoned fairground yesterday...

My whole family advised me not to.


"Don't go near the rollercoaster", said my mum.

"Why?" I asked.

"Remember... the story of how it is haunted by Runaway Tom... a ghost that is said to tie his victims to the track and have the rollercoaster run over them."


"Don't go near the pirate ship," said my sister.

"Why?"

"Because it is haunted by Cut Throat Greybeard... a ghost who will hang you and slice you..."


"And don't go into the hall of mirrors," warned my dad.

"Why, who is in there?" I asked.

"No one, you're just ugly..."


Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle...

Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over.

His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that." "Just put the jacket on backwards." His friend advised.

They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police.

They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?" "Well," the farmer explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"

The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far it's going really well.

I've resisted going to the gym for six days now.

A lawyer boarded an airplane

in Baltimore with a box of frozen soft shell crabs and asked a stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator..
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in Sarasota Florida, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Baltimore , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

GI Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

A good psychologist once advised me to shut out all the negative people that remind me of my dark past and move on

It's been more than a month since I've gone to him and I am already starting to feel better

A dentist warns his patient...

Dentist: Be advised: this will hurt a lot!
Patient: Nahh don't worry. I can deal with pain very well.
Dentist: I have an affair with your wife since 2009...

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.

A little boy playing in front of his house saw him and called,

What've you got in your truck?

Fertilizer, the farmer replied.

What are you going to do with it? asked the little boy.

Put it on strawberries, answered the farmer.

You ought to live here, the little boy advised him. We put sugar and cream on ours!

Doctor and Lady

Doctor: You are looking so weak and exhausted! Are you properly taking 3 meals a day as I had advised?

Lady: Oh my god! I heard 3 males a day.

One night, a man got a little drunk...

One night, a man went to a bar. He got a little bit tipsy (he was smashed) and realized that he desperately had to use the bathroom. He walked up to the women at the bar and slurred out the words, "Excuse me, where is your nearest restroom."

The women advised him, "It's right down that hall to the left."

The man stumbled down the hallway, and in his drunk position, took a right rather than a left. Sitting inside of the room he had opened was a great, golden toilet. So, he did his business in it.

The next day when he woke up, he could only remember one thing: That toilet was so comfortable! So, he decided: he would go back to that bar and he would buy that solid gold toilet today!

He walked into the bar and talked to a different bartender, "Excuse me sir: Yesterday, I came in here and I used the most comfortable, solid gold toilet I have ever sat on! I demand to buy it off of you!

The bartender chuckled and yelled to the back hall: "Hey Charlie, I found that guy that took a dump in your tuba!"

More changes to the military

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.

Addressing all ship personnel at Pearl, CINCPAC advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males.
Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time." He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.

Are there any questions?"

A Marine from the security detail assigned to the ship stood up in the crowd and inquired...

"How much for a season pass?"

God bless the Marine Corps!!!

Adam walks into a cafe and orders tea

Adam ordered a cup of tea in a cafe.

So, a waiter brought it for him but dipped his fingers in it.

Adam asked "Hey moron, why are you dipping your fingers in my tea?"

The waiter replied, "My finger is injured and the doctor advised me to keep it warm."

Adam said, "Then shove it up your ass!"

Then the waiter said, "Yeah, that's where I keep it when I am not carrying tea"

My friend advised me to date a cat owner..

..because they can love someone who doesn't even like them back

A man went to the vet for advice to curb his racist dog that kept barking at his Asian neighbour.

"Muzzle him" the vet advised.

The man paused, and exclaimed, "could be, he does have a big beard"

I watched a show last night and at the beginning it said "Viewer discretion is advised"

Unfortunately that's all I can tell you about that

I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival

My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal

My friend recently advised me to invest in marijuana businesses...

Apparently it's a growing industry.

No climbing stairs

A woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor said there seemed to be a slight heart problem and advised her to take some pills for two weeks and then come back.

"Most of all, don't climb any stairs," advised the doctor.

"But we have a two story house," protested the patient.

"Well, I understand that," said the doctor, "but it's important that you don't climb any stairs."

Two weeks later, she came back and the doctor pronounced her hale and healthy.

"Can I climb stairs again?" she asked.

"Of course," answered the doctor.

"Good," said replied, "because I was getting tired of climbing up that drainpipe every night."

A sales assistant advised me on the liquor to buy for the holiday season recently

She was my spirit guide.

My doctor advised me for stress reduction to listen to opera music

He gave me a CD. I've been listening all night but I'm not sure if its actually having an effect. It says on the cover the guys name is Placebo Domingo.

So I was going to blame my pet ostrich for a crime i committed

But my lawyer advised that it wouldn't fly in court.

A man once advised me to not waste electricity. "Using more power results in more electricity bills"

I told myself,



***Watt good advice***

Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about.

It was just the start of China's two-child policy.

I have a 10 month old son and we've been advised that because of the executive travel ban, we shouldn't travel internationally with him until patellas develop.

Because right now, they're pseudo-knees.

What is the most ill advised thing?

Taking a sick day.

My personal trainer advised me to start eating pieces of metal that you place in a lock and parts of people's feet.

It's the keytoe diet.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes