Howlingly Hilarious Advise Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
A wife texts her husband
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
An American and an Australian are chatting in a bar.
An American and an Australian are chatting in a bar.
After both ordering their drinks, the Australian asks the American "So what is it that you do for a living?"
"Oh" the American responds. "I help my clients by representing them in court, and also advise them in other legal matters."
In a thick Australian accent, the other man replies "You're a lawyer."
And the American says "No really, it's the truth."
Why do American beer companies always advise that their beer should be served cold?
So you can tell it apart from u**...
If anyone advises you how much lettuce to put on your burger, stop them right there.
That's just the tip of the iceberg.
The "Lumos/Nox" trick on Android phones is pretty neat. However...
I'd advise the Galaxy Note 7 crowd to avoid "Avada Kedavra."
How to finish a race on time?
Advise credits: mein kampf
Riddle: I advise others to do this, but never do it myself. What is my advice?
Make sure she's 18 before doing the deed.
What's it called when a cow gives another cow advise
Beef tips
What do you call advise about f**... hygiene?
A protip protip.
The School teacher sent home a note with her student..
The note reads, Your son is an obedient and bright student, but spends too much time talking to girls.
Mother sends a note back the following day, Please advise a solution. Father has the same problem.'
Looking for Jerome.
Everytime I give people advise, they tell me to mind his business.
You can explore advise fee reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean advise counsellor dad jokes. There are also advise puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
If the Patriots owe you money...
Well, I might advise you try to Bill Belichick, but I'd absolutely never advise you try to Rob Gronkowski.
I advise you, don't mess with me, I know karate, kung fu, judo, tae kwon do, jujit su...
and other 28 dangerous words.
What advise would you give to your X year old self?
... Just since reposts are so popular here.
If you are creating a weapon for blunt force trauma I would advise you to make it heavy and balanced while being suitable to your size and strength.
Not to put too fine a point on it.
What did the doctor advise the patient with gluten allergy?
You need bread rest
The part of the house that people advise you to leave as much as possible.
The Wriggle Room.
My neighbor asked me (IT Support) how to fix his leaky faucet. Not being a plumber I offered the only advise I have:
"Have you tried turning it on and back off again?"
A wife sent a romantic text to her husband one day. It read, If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband replied, I am on the toilet. Please advise.
Oldy repurposed
Trump was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the protraits of our greatest leaders.
Looking at Washington, the Donald said:
"George, you were the first. Can you give me some advise?"
A ghostly voice replied
"Tell the truth"
Trump knew that wouldn't work, so next went to Jefferson.
" Tom, you wrote the constitution. Do you have any words for me?"
Another voice said "Be for the people"
As he had always placed himself before everyone, Trump moved on.
He stood before Lincoln and asked " Abe, you are one of the greatest. Can you advise me?"
A new voice drifted by saying
"Go to the Theater"
A doctor sees an obese women to advise her about weight loss.
The women defensively says, "Look, I'm obese. My sister is obese. My mother is obese. My kids are obese. My brother is obese. Obesity runs in my family." The doctor replies, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."
Poison
A worried man goes to see his priest.
"Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me."
Said the priest: "Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow, then I shall be able to give you some advice."
The following day the man aging comed to his priest who tells him: "Well my son, I have talked to your wife for nearly two hours. My advise to you is: Take the poison"
A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…
She wrote: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. Her husband texted back: I'm on the toilet, please advise.
My wife has been sleeping around with other men. Our church pastor is coming over tonight to offer advise. My wife is baking cookies but I'm embarrassed because the cookies are...
h**...-made
When your doctor tells you to give up drinking and smoking
Doctor: I'd advise you to give up drinking and smoking.
Patient: At my age, surely it's too late.
Doctor: It's never too late.
Patient: Well in that case there's no rush, is there?
