Advise Jokes

Following is our collection of fee humor and maternity one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Advise puns for adults, dirty counsellor jokes or clean counsel gags for kids.

There is an abundance of consultation jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 20 funniest jokes on advise. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any compensate witze you can hear about advise.

The Best jokes about Advise

A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

Selling war insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. "


"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

The captain of a battleship sees a light in the heavy fog...

The captain called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
Back came a signal, "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
The captain said, "Send, I'm a captain, change course 20 degrees."
"I'm a seaman second class," came the reply. "You had better change course 20 degrees."
By that time, the captain was furious. He spat out, "Send, I'm a battleship. Change course 20 degrees."
Back came the flashing light, "I'm a lighthouse."

tom and his boss

n the morning Tom calls to his boss:
- Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
The boss replies:
- You know Tom, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Tom calls:
- Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.

Lancelot!

Lancelot, the chief knight of King Arthur, wanted to spend some time with Queen Guinevere. He couldn't, however, get her away from Arthur, so he calls Merlin the wizard to help him.

"I want to be with the Queen, help me"

So Merlin pours some itchy powder in her underwear. Soon, the Queen starts to feel the effect. Arthur, desperate, calls Merlin to advise him on what to do.

"Your majesty, this is an enchantment which only the saliva of noble knight Lancelot can cure. He must apply it to the Queen for three hours"

The King concedes, and Lancelot has his wish granted. The next day, Merlin goes to Lancelot:

"I've kept my part. Pay me"

"What? I won't pay you for only three hours!"

This angers Merlin, who leaves, then puts itchy powder on the King's boxers. Arthur, in pain, calls out:

"Lancelot!"


The School teacher sent home a note with her student..

The note reads, Your son is an obedient and bright student, but spends too much time talking to girls.

Mother sends a note back the following day, Please advise a solution. Father has the same problem.'

An American and an Australian are chatting in a bar.

An American and an Australian are chatting in a bar.

After both ordering their drinks, the Australian asks the American "So what is it that you do for a living?"

"Oh" the American responds. "I help my clients by representing them in court, and also advise them in other legal matters."

In a thick Australian accent, the other man replies "You're a lawyer."

And the American says "No really, it's the truth."

I advise you, don't mess with me, I know karate, kung fu, judo, tae kwon do, jujit su...

and other 28 dangerous words.

The "Lumos/Nox" trick on Android phones is pretty neat. However...

I'd advise the Galaxy Note 7 crowd to avoid "Avada Kedavra."

My neighbor asked me (IT Support) how to fix his leaky faucet. Not being a plumber I offered the only advise I have:

"Have you tried turning it on and back off again?"

My daughter was diagnosed with a pneumonia

I'm not sure where else to post this. This sub feels most fitting, but it's been a long night. Please advise where it may be better suited if you'd like.

So our night sucked but had a silver lining in my two year old daughter's comedic timing. We had to rush her to the ER at 3:00am (vomiting and a 104.3 F temp). Turns out she has a pneumonia but we caught it early so we can treat it at home. So we are driving home and she's talking a little and she said temperature hurt because they had to do it rectally. I say yeah mommy doesn't like it when things go up there unexpectedly either. My daughter says Daddy likes. We pulled the car over and had a real good laugh.


The Thane Of Cawdor's (Scottish equiv. Of Earl) castle is protected by high stone walls. The weak point is the old wooden drawbridge, which is showing the first small signs of rot in some areas.

The smartest men in the castle assemble to advise the king, but all of their solutions involve paying for a brand new drawbridge, which the Scottish Thane is not a fan of.

Oh, the cost! He cried, isn't there anyone in the kingdom who has a better, cheaper idea for protecting the wood of this fine old drawbridge?

The court fool thinks hard for a minute, then having his eureka moment, steps forward towards his master and exclaims in a loud voice: urethane .

If anyone advises you how much lettuce to put on your burger, stop them right there.

That's just the tip of the iceberg.

Looking for Jerome.

Everytime I give people advise, they tell me to mind his business.

What do you call advise about foreskin hygiene?

A protip protip.

If you are creating a weapon for blunt force trauma I would advise you to make it heavy and balanced while being suitable to your size and strength.

Not to put too fine a point on it.

What advise would you give to your X year old self?

... Just since reposts are so popular here.

The part of the house that people advise you to leave as much as possible.

The Wriggle Room.

What did the doctor advise the patient with gluten allergy?

You need bread rest


Please Advise?

An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their new cell phones. The wife was the romantic type and the husband more of the no-nonsense type.

One afternoon the wife went out with some friends for coffee. Being the romantic women she was, she decided to send her husband a text to let him know she was thinking of him.

It read:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

A couple minutes later the husband text back, "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes