Advice Jokes
150 advice jokes and hilarious advice puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about advice that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you in need of advice? Get a laugh with these funny advice jokes that cover a variety of topics, from marriage to financial advice. Discover the best, worst, and most outrageous advice for life, relationships, and more.
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Funniest Advice Short Jokes
Short advice jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The advice humour may include short advised jokes also.
- Why did God make man before He made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
- How do you milk a sheep? Sell headphone for $549.
- My mom pointed at a guy across from our house... ...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."
That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine. - The last thing my grandfather told me was It's worth spending money on good speakers. That was some sound advice.
- The manual in my car says that I shouldn't turn the stereo volume to the maximum. That's....sound advice.
- "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.
- I wonder... I always wondered what my parents did to pass time before things like the internet and TVs were invented.
I asked my 26 siblings for advice. - What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke when Luke's marriage was falling apart? Use divorce, Luke
- My friend just came to me all depressed because his kid's failing 3rd grade, and he doesn't know how to break it to him. Apparently slowly wasn't the advice he was looking for.
- Take my advice - Do not interrupt your wife while she's trying to tell you a joke. You'll never hear the end of it.
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Advice One Liners
Which advice one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with advice? I can suggest the ones about guidance and suggestion.
- I asked 50 Cent for some advice Now he is 48 Cent
- Heres a bit of advice: advi
- My wife always gives me sound advice 99% sound, 1% advice
- I miss my dad. Before he left, he gave me this piece of advice. Advi
- The best pick up advice I've ever been told is.. ..always bend your knees.
- My parents told me not to listen to my iPod too loud... It was sound advice.
- I've got 2 pieces of advice for yall 1: don't tell people everything
- Any advice on correcting plastic surgery that has gone wrong? I'm all ears.
- I went to an herbalist looking for wisdom. All he gave me was *sage* advice.
- Bad advice to a suicidal person Hang in there
- A good advice to avoid click bait Better luck next time.
- I prefer to learn from the mistakes of people who take my advice
- Take My Advice I Don't Use It Anyways
- A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.
- I always learn from mistakes of others..... Who take my advice
Life Advice Jokes
Here is a list of funny life advice jokes and even better life advice puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I wasn't sure about how to ask the love of my life to marry me So, I decided to ask her husband for advice.
- What life advice did the Jewish cannibal give to his friend? Keep your friends close, but your enemies kosher
- Since breaking up with my girlfriend, my dad has been there to offer me plenty of life advice. Which is rich coming from him, considering he was dating my girlfriend.
- The other day I was climbing a tree with a friend He was talking about life and I had some advice so I said alright I'm going out on a limb here...
- My dad always said: "When life gets you down, shred cheese." That was grate advice.
- Some life advice. My parents always gave the best advice "Sometimes we can't fix what is broken, sometimes it's better to make something new"
So they had my little brother. - Although "Appreciate the little things" is good life advice, It's not something to say in bed.
- My personal trainer was giving me advice. He said, "You have to have a life outside the gym."
I was so offended that I walked out with my sleeping bag. - I got great life advice from the old asian lady at the massage parlor "If you want Happy Ending, don't pick young pretty girl."
- Life Advice Always keep your words soft and sweet - In case you have to eat them later.
Bad Advice Jokes
Here is a list of funny bad advice jokes and even better bad advice puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I have the bad habit of asking internet strangers for advice Do you guys have ideas on how I can stop doing this?
- My dad always taught me to go the extra mile... I guess that was pretty bad advice though - it just got me fired from my job as a taxi driver.
- After telling a friend about losing a court case, the friend asked, Did your lawyer give you bad advice? No. He charged me for it.
- Bad advice to give a kleptomaniac... "You should really take something for that."
Marriage Advice Jokes
Here is a list of funny marriage advice jokes and even better marriage advice puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Never understood why my friends never asked for relationship advice from me..... I've had over 9 successful marriages.
- Why is Obi-wan Kenobi a terrible marriage counselor? The only advice he gives is Use di-
vorce - Marriage Joke? My sisters getting married and I need a good joke about marriage to write in my sisters "advice" book.
Relationship Advice Jokes
Here is a list of funny relationship advice jokes and even better relationship advice puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Juliet hates it when people give her advice about relationships. It's not her first Romeo.
- Friend: You give the best relationship advices, but why are you single. Me: Coaches don't play.
- They say never to go to bed with your wife if you two are angry at each other... Terrible relationship advice, I've been sleeping on the couch the last week.
Financial Advice Jokes
Here is a list of funny financial advice jokes and even better financial advice puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man started a financial advice company. The prices were 1000€ per question.
His brother asked: Isn't that a bit too much?
The man answered: Yes it is. Do you have any other questions? - What do you call a reptile that gives sound financial advice? An Invest-i-Gator .
Courtesy of my 8-year old daughter. :)
Hilarious Fun Advice Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about advice you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean recommend jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make advice pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men's Helpline
Men's Helpline
"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How about some Little Johnny...
Little Johnny asks his Dad "What's between mom's legs?"
The father answers: "Paradise, my son."
Little Johnny asks again: "What's between your legs?"
The father replies: "The key to paradise."
Little Johnny says: "Piece of advice Dad, change the lock the neighbor has a duplicate key."
Advice from an old native American hunter:
Never go hunting for buffalo with a dull spear, it is pointless.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Cousin's Wedding Night
On my cousin's wedding night he approached our grandfather and asked, "Pap, you and gram have been married for 56 years. Can you give me any advice on my wedding night?"
My grandfather responded, "take the hardest thing you got and put it where she pees."
My cousin thought for a moment and then asked, "why would I put my bowling ball in the toilet?"
What not to ask a gynecologist when seeking dating advice.
What do you look for in a woman?
There was once a woman...
One day a woman became pregnant, she took the advice of her mother and aborted it. A few weeks later she became pregnant again! She also did what her mother suggested... A few more weeks later she (once again -_-) got knocked up, tired of taking her mothers advice, she went to the local parish priest and said to him "I keep getting pregnant, there must be something in the air"! To which the priest replied "yes... Your legs"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
if your little ladies not so little anymore...
you may want to think about what you can do to help. Here's some advice i got from a certified physical trainer: All you need to do is have your wife walk two miles every morning, and then another three miles every night, and in just seven short days that fat b**...'ll be thirty-five miles away
Pinocchio has been getting complaints from his girlfriend....
Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters. "
So
Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice.
"Sandpaper," said the carpenter. "That's what you need. " So
Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting on with the girls now? " he asked. "Who needs girls? " said
Pinocchio."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What advice did tiger Woods' dad have for Tiger during training?
Concentrate on golf—f**... everything else.
Two Jews were arguing whether or not white is a color
After arguing for a week they went for an advice to their rabbi
Rabbi looked into an old book and said yes, white is a color.
A week later same Jews were arguing for a week whether black is a color
Went to the same rabbi who said yes, black is also a color
See!!! says one of them, I did sell you a color TV!!!!
A woman in Atlantic city was losing at the roulette wheel...
When she was down to her last ten dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number. "Why don't you play your age?" he suggested. The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table. The next thing the fellow with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over. "Did she win?" he asked. "No," replied the attendant. "She put ten dollars on 29 and 41 came in."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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That's some solid advice!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jailand hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.
Advice from my father
Son, you need a woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman that is great in bed. Most importantly, you must make sure these three women never meet.
Happy Saturday night from Pennsylvania
A man goes to his rabbi.
He says to the rabbi, "I think my wife is trying to poison me but I have no idea why". The rabbi, concerned about the distress the Jew was experiencing says "Don't worry, I will talk to your wife." A few days pass and the man returns to his rabbi still fearing for his life. The rabbi sits him down and says to him "My child, I spent several hours speaking to your wife, follow my advice, take the poison."
A Jewish guy goes to his Rabbi
A Jewish guy goes to his Rabbi and says: "RABBI RABBI! you're not going to believe what happened to me! My son turned Christian and left the house!"
The Rabbi says: "Well, you're not going to believe what happened to me! MY son turned Christian and Left the house."
"Well, what are we going to do?!" Asked the man.
"Let's pray to God and ask him for advice" the Rabbi answers.
They both look up and say: "God, God, you're not going to believe what happened to us! Both our sons turned Christian and left the house"
God responds: "well, you're not going to believe what happened to ME!"
I've been known to give sage advice from time-to-time.
Though I do get funny looks for talking to herb.
a scallop fell in love with a clam...
and against everyone 's advice they got married. and six short months later sure enough they filed for divorce and went their separate ways. their problem was obvious to anyone who knew them. they were just two shellfish .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
5 advices to men for a happy life
1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men's Help Line
MEN"S HELP LINE, "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend...
An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend are about to celebrate their one year anniversary. She wants to do something special for him that night, and decides that she wants to go down on him, but alas has no experience. She asks her friend for advice, who then hands her a banana and says "Here, practice with this."
Sure enough, the blonde girls peels the banana and goes to town on it like a d**... professional. Her friend says "See, you're doing great! Don't change a thing!"
The next day the blonde's friend calls her up, eager to hear how everything went. "How did everything go?" She asks.
The blonde says "Pretty great. Didn't know there would be that much screaming and blood though."
"Blood?" Her friend asks, "Where did the blood come from?"
"The peeling."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The r**... advice hotline hung up on me today...
Apparently "How do I stop them from blowing a r**... whistle?" wasn't a valid question
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I need advice. I was whipping someone in a gimp mask during a b**... session, but when he took it off - it wasn't my husband.
Whoops, wrong sub.
Why do single women take advice from other single women?
That's like Stevie Wonder giving ray charles driving directions
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my grandfather for s**... advice.
He said, "Slow down, you're going too fast."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy asks his dad
Boy: whats between moms legs?
father: paradise
Boy: whats between your legs?
Father: the key to the paradise
Boy: piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbor has a copy.
Dad: ( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)
I asked a lawyer what I should do after being injured by cold medicine approved by the FDA. His advice?
Sudafed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the worst advice to give someone with h**...?
Stay positive
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday"
Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great s**..., anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Take my advice and use a c**...
I once forgot it and 9 months later, I became an uncle
My wife has been keeping secrets from me.
I just built a fence and put down some paving. Turns out not only is she a master carpenter she's also an expert brick layer. If only I had known earlier I could have sought her advice before I did the work. It would have saved me from making all the obvious mistakes she pointed out after the work was done.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't trust any diet advice that tells you to eat light...
For that's most certainly the way to become a black hole.
I was listening to some music with my friend and he told me "you should turn the bass down on your speaker".
It was sound advice.
I ran into a NASA scientist one day...
...and I say to him, "Your job seems so tough. I'd love to traverse the solar system, but I wouldn't even know where to begin..."
He says, "It's easy... you just planet."
So I took his advice and went on a trip around the Sun. It lasted a year and I had a pretty good time. But if I had to rate it, I'd only give it one star.
If you want a job in the moisturiser industry
The best advice I can give you is to apply daily.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I called the r**... advice hotline today
Apparently it's only for victims
Three mice are arguing whether the holes are part of the cheese or not.
The one that thought they WERE went to the wise old owl for advice. When he got back, the cheese was gone. He asked the other two mice:
"What happened to the cheese?"
They replied:
"We decided to agree with you, so we split the cheese into thirds, and your third happened to be the holes."
An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...
Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "
Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?
"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Don't get your p**... in a bunch" is terrible advice
They're bound to be more expensive when purchased separately.
I've been having trouble meeting girls, so I asked my dad for some advice. He said that if I wanted to break the ice, the next time I go out, I should use this pickup line...
"Ford F-150, Chevy Silverado, Dodge Ram, Toyota Tundra, Nissan Titan, GMC Sierra, Honda Ridgeline..."
A doctor & a lawyer are talking at a party.
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.
It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?
I said, The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.
Everyone then looked at my husband and he said, She's probably right.
A man was worried about getting a circumcision so he asks his friend for advice
Jimmy, you got a circumcision right? How long did it take you to recover?
Well, I got it when I was three days old and I wasn't able to walk for 11 months after it
Friend: My advice for your date —-Girls like it when they think you're well travelled.
Me, later at the date: I took 5 different buses to get here.
Piece of Dating Advice
Do not date a car mechanic if you're looking for a long term partner. Typically, a mechanic just nuts and bolts.
My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system....
Sound advice.
A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...
Have you tried condoms? Asks the Dr.
I did, and it resulted in 3 kids! said the man.
Have you tried birth control?
I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!
Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!
Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!
After many faithful years as a Christian, John's dedication finally paid off as he found himself the girl of his dreams.
At the wedding he walks over to his best friend for advice.
"Hey man! What is it that I'm supposed to do when I get her all alone after the wedding?"
"Ah, that's simple. You just take your most prized-possession and stick it in where she pees."
"Ah! Thanks dude!"
"No problem!"
Later that night, John took his bowling ball and put it in the toilet.
What did the guitar student say when his teacher gave him advice on how to sound more like Jimi Hendrix?
"Thanks, I appreciate the feedback."
Hippo was a great motivational speaker. Hippo taught that you must never give up. Hippo didn't follow his own advice.
Hippo Quit
A woman rings at neighbour's door. A man opens the door.
Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"
Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of paper."
The woman thanks the man and goes on to buy 16 stacks of paper. When she was finished with the kitchen she returns to the neighbour.
Woman:" well thanks again for the advice, I am done and the new kitchen looks awesome! I am just wondering, I still have 6 stacks of paper left...?"
Man:"Yeah, me too."
She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."
I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."
Poison
A worried man goes to see his priest.
"Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me."
Said the priest: "Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow, then I shall be able to give you some advice."
The following day the man aging comed to his priest who tells him: "Well my son, I have talked to your wife for nearly two hours. My advise to you is: Take the poison"
Fatherly advice
When I was a little boy I fell off my bike and scraped my knee. My dad ran to me picked me up and told me to "shake it off."
Years later while playing baseball I was hit with a wild pitch, my dad called out from the stands "Shake it off son."
Before going off to college my long time girlfriend dumped me. Of course just like everything else in life when I was hurt my dad with his infinite wisdom once again told me to "shake it off."
Due to all the years of his great fatherly advice I knew exactly what to say when he was diagnosed with parkinson's disease.
Young couple at doctors office
Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,
"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need to know if there is some medical problem."
Doctor sat back on his chair crossed his hands and sighed,
"You boys are nuts."
My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays.
He was the original trip advisor.
So I went to the doctor yesterday...
And told him that my bottom hurts.
Doctor: Where does it exactly hurt?
Me: Right around the entrance, it's really sore
Doctor: My advice is that for as long as you call it the entrance, it'll hurt.
A joke my dad just sent me about vaccinations
Hi, it happened yesterday! And this is serious!
A friend had his 2nd injection of the vaccine at the vaccination center and began to have blurred vision the whole way home.
When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hospitalized.
Vaccination center told him to come back - and collect his glasses.
A friend of mine went to take the vaccine for covid yesterday
After getting vaccinated, his vision was blurred and when he reached home, he called the hospital that gave him the vaccine for advice asking if he should be hospitalized.
The hospital told him to come back and collect his glasses
