Advice Jokes

156 advice jokes and hilarious advice puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about advice that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you in need of advice? Get a laugh with these funny advice jokes that cover a variety of topics, from marriage to financial advice. Discover the best, worst, and most outrageous advice for life, relationships, and more.

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Funniest Advice Short Jokes

Short advice jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The advice humour may include short advised jokes also.

  1. Why did God make man before He made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
  2. How do you milk a sheep? Sell headphone for $549.
  3. My mom pointed at a guy across from our house... ...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."
    That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine.
  4. The last thing my grandfather told me was It's worth spending money on good speakers. That was some sound advice.
  5. The manual in my car says that I shouldn't turn the stereo volume to the maximum. That's....sound advice.
  6. "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.
  7. I wonder... I always wondered what my parents did to pass time before things like the internet and TVs were invented.
    I asked my 26 siblings for advice.
  8. What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke when Luke's marriage was falling apart? Use divorce, Luke
  9. My friend just came to me all depressed because his kid's failing 3rd grade, and he doesn't know how to break it to him. Apparently slowly wasn't the advice he was looking for.
  10. My doctor told me to cut down on my sodium intake. Ive been taking his advice with a grain of salt.

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Advice One Liners

Which advice one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with advice? I can suggest the ones about guidance and suggestion.

  1. I asked 50 Cent for some advice Now he is 48 Cent
  2. Why did God create Adam before Eve? He didn't want any advice on how to do it
  3. Heres a bit of advice: advi
  4. My wife always gives me sound advice 99% sound, 1% advice
  5. I miss my dad. Before he left, he gave me this piece of advice. Advi
  6. The best pick up advice I've ever been told is.. ..always bend your knees.
  7. My parents told me not to listen to my iPod too loud... It was sound advice.
  8. I've got 2 pieces of advice for yall 1: don't tell people everything
  9. Any advice on correcting plastic surgery that has gone wrong? I'm all ears.
  10. I went to an herbalist looking for wisdom. All he gave me was *sage* advice.
  11. What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke as his marriage was going downhill? Use divorce, Luke
  12. Why shouldn't you take advice from a Dalmatian? Because it's spotty at best.
  13. Bad advice to a suicidal person Hang in there
  14. A good advice to avoid click bait Better luck next time.
  15. I asked 50 Cent for advice… He is now called 48 Cent.

Life Advice Jokes

Here is a list of funny life advice jokes and even better life advice puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I wasn't sure about how to ask the love of my life to marry me So, I decided to ask her husband for advice.
  • What life advice did the Jewish cannibal give to his friend? Keep your friends close, but your enemies kosher
  • Since breaking up with my girlfriend, my dad has been there to offer me plenty of life advice. Which is rich coming from him, considering he was dating my girlfriend.
  • The other day I was climbing a tree with a friend He was talking about life and I had some advice so I said alright I'm going out on a limb here...
  • My dad always said: "When life gets you down, shred cheese." That was grate advice.
  • Some life advice. My parents always gave the best advice "Sometimes we can't fix what is broken, sometimes it's better to make something new"
    So they had my little brother.
  • A bomb defusers life advice I live by I asked him "Don't you get nervous about defusing the bomb?"
    He shrugged and said "Either I'm right or its not my problem anymore"
  • Although "Appreciate the little things" is good life advice, It's not something to say in bed.
  • My personal trainer was giving me advice. He said, "You have to have a life outside the gym."
    I was so offended that I walked out with my sleeping bag.
  • I couldn't decide how to propose to the love of my life So I decided to ask her husband for advice.

Bad Advice Jokes

Here is a list of funny bad advice jokes and even better bad advice puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I have the bad habit of asking internet strangers for advice Do you guys have ideas on how I can stop doing this?
  • My dad always taught me to go the extra mile... I guess that was pretty bad advice though - it just got me fired from my job as a taxi driver.
  • After telling a friend about losing a court case, the friend asked, Did your lawyer give you bad advice? No. He charged me for it.
  • Why do Jedis make bad marriage counsellors? Their only advice to males is "use the force".
  • Bad advice to give a kleptomaniac... "You should really take something for that."
  • For all the single guys on this sub, my advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo who likes you, and marry her. She knows how to make bad decisions, and then stick with it.
Advice joke, For all the single guys on this sub, my advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo who lik

Marriage Advice Jokes

Here is a list of funny marriage advice jokes and even better marriage advice puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Never understood why my friends never asked for relationship advice from me..... I've had over 9 successful marriages.
  • Why is Obi-wan Kenobi a terrible marriage counselor? The only advice he gives is Use di-
  • Why didn't Luke Skywalker's marriages ever last? He wanted to follow Obi-Wan's advice: "Use divorce, Luke"
  • Marriage Joke? My sisters getting married and I need a good joke about marriage to write in my sisters "advice" book.
  • Marriage advice for dummies: Five worst things you can do
    5 Abandon
    4 Lie
    3 Cheat
    2 a**...
    1 Forget to start the dishwasher

Relationship Advice Jokes

Here is a list of funny relationship advice jokes and even better relationship advice puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Juliet hates it when people give her advice about relationships. It's not her first Romeo.
  • Friend: You give the best relationship advices, but why are you single. Me: Coaches don't play.
  • They say never to go to bed with your wife if you two are angry at each other... Terrible relationship advice, I've been sleeping on the couch the last week.
  • What do relationship advice and communist p**... have in common? There are loads of red flags involved.

Financial Advice Jokes

Here is a list of funny financial advice jokes and even better financial advice puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man started a financial advice company. The prices were 1000€ per question.
    His brother asked: Isn't that a bit too much?
    The man answered: Yes it is. Do you have any other questions?
  • What do you call a reptile that gives sound financial advice? An Invest-i-Gator .
    Courtesy of my 8-year old daughter. :)
Advice joke, What do you call a reptile that gives sound financial advice?

Hilarious Fun Advice Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about advice you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tips jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make advice pranks.

Men's Helpline

Men's Helpline
"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

How about some Little Johnny...

Little Johnny asks his Dad "What's between mom's legs?"
The father answers: "Paradise, my son."
Little Johnny asks again: "What's between your legs?"
The father replies: "The key to paradise."

Little Johnny says: "Piece of advice Dad, change the lock the neighbor has a duplicate key."

Advice from an old native American hunter:

Never go hunting for buffalo with a dull spear, it is pointless.

My Cousin's Wedding Night

On my cousin's wedding night he approached our grandfather and asked, "Pap, you and gram have been married for 56 years. Can you give me any advice on my wedding night?"
My grandfather responded, "take the hardest thing you got and put it where she pees."
My cousin thought for a moment and then asked, "why would I put my bowling ball in the toilet?"

What not to ask a gynecologist when seeking dating advice.

What do you look for in a woman?

There was once a woman...

One day a woman became pregnant, she took the advice of her mother and aborted it. A few weeks later she became pregnant again! She also did what her mother suggested... A few more weeks later she (once again -_-) got knocked up, tired of taking her mothers advice, she went to the local parish priest and said to him "I keep getting pregnant, there must be something in the air"! To which the priest replied "yes... Your legs"

I called that r**... Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

if your little ladies not so little anymore...

you may want to think about what you can do to help. Here's some advice i got from a certified physical trainer: All you need to do is have your wife walk two miles every morning, and then another three miles every night, and in just seven short days that fat b**...'ll be thirty-five miles away

Pinocchio has been getting complaints from his girlfriend....

Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters. "
Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice.
"Sandpaper," said the carpenter. "That's what you need. " So
Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting on with the girls now? " he asked. "Who needs girls? " said

A father tells his 10 year old son...

"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".
His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater where the crematory used to be.
UPDATE: This blew up. (Pun not intended)

What advice did tiger Woods' dad have for Tiger during training?

Concentrate on golf—f**... everything else.

Two Jews were arguing whether or not white is a color

After arguing for a week they went for an advice to their rabbi
Rabbi looked into an old book and said yes, white is a color.
A week later same Jews were arguing for a week whether black is a color
Went to the same rabbi who said yes, black is also a color
See!!! says one of them, I did sell you a color TV!!!!

A woman in Atlantic city was losing at the roulette wheel...

When she was down to her last ten dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number. "Why don't you play your age?" he suggested. The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table. The next thing the fellow with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over. "Did she win?" he asked. "No," replied the attendant. "She put ten dollars on 29 and 41 came in."

That's some solid advice!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jailand hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.

c**... advice

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
He asks the clerk:
"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist said:
"You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
The clerk responded, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!

Advice from my father

Son, you need a woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman that is great in bed. Most importantly, you must make sure these three women never meet.
Happy Saturday night from Pennsylvania

A man goes to his rabbi.

He says to the rabbi, "I think my wife is trying to poison me but I have no idea why". The rabbi, concerned about the distress the Jew was experiencing says "Don't worry, I will talk to your wife." A few days pass and the man returns to his rabbi still fearing for his life. The rabbi sits him down and says to him "My child, I spent several hours speaking to your wife, follow my advice, take the poison."

An old cowboy told his grandson...

An old cowboy told his grandson "The secret to a long, healthy life is to put a pinch of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning." The grandson took this advice to heart, and everyday for the rest of his life put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died at the age of 132 he left behind 5 children, 12 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, 78 great great grandchildren, and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

A Jewish guy goes to his Rabbi

A Jewish guy goes to his Rabbi and says: "RABBI RABBI! you're not going to believe what happened to me! My son turned Christian and left the house!"
The Rabbi says: "Well, you're not going to believe what happened to me! MY son turned Christian and Left the house."
"Well, what are we going to do?!" Asked the man.
"Let's pray to God and ask him for advice" the Rabbi answers.
They both look up and say: "God, God, you're not going to believe what happened to us! Both our sons turned Christian and left the house"
God responds: "well, you're not going to believe what happened to ME!"

I've been known to give sage advice from time-to-time.

Though I do get funny looks for talking to herb.

a scallop fell in love with a clam...

and against everyone 's advice they got married. and six short months later sure enough they filed for divorce and went their separate ways. their problem was obvious to anyone who knew them. they were just two shellfish .

5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

Men's Help Line

MEN"S HELP LINE, "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend...

An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend are about to celebrate their one year anniversary. She wants to do something special for him that night, and decides that she wants to go down on him, but alas has no experience. She asks her friend for advice, who then hands her a banana and says "Here, practice with this."
Sure enough, the blonde girls peels the banana and goes to town on it like a d**... professional. Her friend says "See, you're doing great! Don't change a thing!"
The next day the blonde's friend calls her up, eager to hear how everything went. "How did everything go?" She asks.
The blonde says "Pretty great. Didn't know there would be that much screaming and blood though."
"Blood?" Her friend asks, "Where did the blood come from?"
"The peeling."

Here's a joke for you.

Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope. Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
This last bit translates into some practical advice. If you go fishing, don't bring a Baptist; he'll drink all the beer. But if you bring two of them, you'll have it all to yourself.

A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

I need advice. I was whipping someone in a gimp mask during a b**... session, but when he took it off - it wasn't my husband.

Whoops, wrong sub.

My grandfather gave me some sound advice when on his deathbed...

"It's worth investing in good speakers." he said.

A little boy asks his dad

Boy: whats between moms legs?
father: paradise
Boy: whats between your legs?
Father: the key to the paradise
Boy: piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbor has a copy.
Dad: ( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)

I asked a lawyer what I should do after being injured by cold medicine approved by the FDA. His advice?


What's the worst advice to give someone with h**...?

Stay positive

"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday"

Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great s**..., anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"

My wife has been keeping secrets from me.

I just built a fence and put down some paving. Turns out not only is she a master carpenter she's also an expert brick layer. If only I had known earlier I could have sought her advice before I did the work. It would have saved me from making all the obvious mistakes she pointed out after the work was done.

Take my advice - Do not interrupt your wife while she's trying to tell you a joke.

You'll never hear the end of it.

I was listening to some music with my friend and he told me "you should turn the bass down on your speaker".

It was sound advice.

I called the r**... advice hotline the other day...

Turns out, it was meant for victims

I ran into a NASA scientist one day...

...and I say to him, "Your job seems so tough. I'd love to traverse the solar system, but I wouldn't even know where to begin..."
He says, "It's easy... you just planet."
So I took his advice and went on a trip around the Sun. It lasted a year and I had a pretty good time. But if I had to rate it, I'd only give it one star.

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry

The best advice I can give you is to apply daily.

I called the r**... advice hotline today

Apparently it's only for victims

Three mice are arguing whether the holes are part of the cheese or not.

The one that thought they WERE went to the wise old owl for advice. When he got back, the cheese was gone. He asked the other two mice:
"What happened to the cheese?"
They replied:
"We decided to agree with you, so we split the cheese into thirds, and your third happened to be the holes."

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "
Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?
"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."

I've been having trouble meeting girls, so I asked my dad for some advice. He said that if I wanted to break the ice, the next time I go out, I should use this pickup line...

"Ford F-150, Chevy Silverado, Dodge Ram, Toyota Tundra, Nissan Titan, GMC Sierra, Honda Ridgeline..."

A doctor & a lawyer are talking at a party.

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?
I said, The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.
Everyone then looked at my husband and he said, She's probably right.

A man was worried about getting a circumcision so he asks his friend for advice

Jimmy, you got a circumcision right? How long did it take you to recover?
Well, I got it when I was three days old and I wasn't able to walk for 11 months after it

Piece of Dating Advice

Do not date a car mechanic if you're looking for a long term partner. Typically, a mechanic just nuts and bolts.

My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system....

Sound advice.

Here's some advice for women out there: Be careful of fat guys.

They are just trying to get into your pantries.

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

Have you tried condoms? Asks the Dr.
I did, and it resulted in 3 kids! said the man.
Have you tried birth control?
I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!
Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!
Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!

What did the guitar student say when his teacher gave him advice on how to sound more like Jimi Hendrix?

"Thanks, I appreciate the feedback."

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream

He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue."
Putin asks, "Why blue?"
Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."

Should I beat my kids?

I know I'm not supposed to, but they just make me so frustrated
My wife says I'm being irrational and getting wound up over nothing, and that if I beat them she'll be incredibly upset and won't even know what to say to me.
But you know when it's just the same stuff day in, day out. And with the lockdown in place we can't get out the house either, which doesn't help the situation
Anyway, I just really wanted some advice before I take drastic measures, because I'd really like to enjoy playing Mario Kart normally again without letting them beat me

Hippo was a great motivational speaker. Hippo taught that you must never give up. Hippo didn't follow his own advice.

Hippo Quit

My son told me, The car manual says that I shouldn't turn the stereo up to full volume.

I said, That's.... sound advice.

Johnny wanted to impress the girls in his swimming class.

So he asked his dad what to do.
"Son, just put a potato in your pants, and you'll attract them all!" His dad advised.
The next day after practice, Johnny looked pretty gloomy.
His dad asked, "What's wrong? Did the advice I give you not work?"
"It would've," cried Johnny. "If you told me to put it in the FRONT!"

A woman rings at neighbour's door. A man opens the door.

Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"
Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of paper."
The woman thanks the man and goes on to buy 16 stacks of paper. When she was finished with the kitchen she returns to the neighbour.
Woman:" well thanks again for the advice, I am done and the new kitchen looks awesome! I am just wondering, I still have 6 stacks of paper left...?"
Man:"Yeah, me too."

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."


A worried man goes to see his priest.
"Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me."
Said the priest: "Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow, then I shall be able to give you some advice."
The following day the man aging comed to his priest who tells him: "Well my son, I have talked to your wife for nearly two hours. My advise to you is: Take the poison"

Fatherly advice

When I was a little boy I fell off my bike and scraped my knee. My dad ran to me picked me up and told me to "shake it off."
Years later while playing baseball I was hit with a wild pitch, my dad called out from the stands "Shake it off son."
Before going off to college my long time girlfriend dumped me. Of course just like everything else in life when I was hurt my dad with his infinite wisdom once again told me to "shake it off."
Due to all the years of his great fatherly advice I knew exactly what to say when he was diagnosed with parkinson's disease.

Young couple at doctors office

Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,
"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need to know if there is some medical problem."
Doctor sat back on his chair crossed his hands and sighed,
"You boys are nuts."

My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays.

He was the original trip advisor.

A guy goes to the doctor because he's been having trouble with his s**... life.

The doctor gives him an examination and says: Look, you're just out of shape. Run ten miles every day and I guarantee you'll start to feel better.
A week later the guy calls his doctor back and says Gee thanks for the advice doc, I've been running ten miles a day and I feel great!
Well that's just great! How's your s**... life?
How the h**... would I know, I'm 70 miles away!

My grandad gave me some sound advice as he lay on his deathbed.

It's worth spending money on good speakers, he told me.

Advice joke, My grandad gave me some sound advice as he lay on his deathbed.

jokes about advice