The Best 45 Advi Jokes

Take My Advice

I Don't Use It Anyways

Advice from an old native American hunter:

Never go hunting for buffalo with a dull spear, it is pointless.

What advice did Tiger Woods' dad have for Tiger during training?

Concentrate on golf—fuck everything else.

Some advice to you lovers out there...

They may say you cantaloupe, but honeydew it anyways.

Advice from my father

Son, you need a woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman that is great in bed. Most importantly, you must make sure these three women never meet.

Happy Saturday night from Pennsylvania

my advice when looking for a woman,

What advice did the frog give to the condom manufacturer?

Rib it.

My Dad's Advice

My Dad gives me odd advice. The other day he said to my face, LaaDeeDa, you might die tomorrow so, live every day like it's the last day of your life! You might get hit by a bus tomorrow! It's weird because he is a bus driver.

5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

Advice for guys

When a girl says you that you're going to far, she actually means you are coming to close.

I need advice. I was whipping someone in a gimp mask during a BDSM session, but when he took it off - it wasn't my husband.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Why is it not advisable to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they take things, literally.

I have some advice just in case you ever get cold.

Go stand in a corner... They're usually 90°

Take my advice and use a condom

I once forgot it and 9 months later, I became an uncle

Take my advice - Do not interrupt your wife while she's trying to tell you a joke.

You'll never hear the end of it.

Take my advice.

I'm not using it...

Advice for dealing with all the Aaron Hernandez memes....

...hang in there, it'll die quicker than you think.

Friend's advice be like:

Chill dude!
Get married!
What's divorce thing that could happen?

Heres a bit of advice:

advi

Under my doctor's advice, I am now healthily smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day.

He told me smoking just 1 pack a day would kill me

Advice for young women:

Men are like linoleum flooring. If you lay it correctly the first time, you can walk all over them for 30 + years.

What advice did the clown fish give?

Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.

Doctor's Advice

Doctor: I'm sorry, but I recommend you stop masturbating.

Patient: Why?

Doctor: Because I'm trying to perform a prostate exam.

What advice did Yoda give to the Soviet secret agent?

Cagey be.

What advice would you give a narrow tree?

Branch out.

I advise you, don't mess with me, I know karate, kung fu, judo, tae kwon do, jujit su...

and other 28 dangerous words.

What advice do you give to a vegan in a wheelchair?

You are what you eat

Here's some advice for women out there: Be careful of fat guys.

They are just trying to get into your pantries.

Any advice on correcting plastic surgery that has gone wrong?

I'm all ears.

Need advice: I'm 35 years old but due to drinking problems I have the liver of a 65 year old

I got drunk and before I knew it I was performing surgery on an older man. How can I either dispose of his liver or sell it on the black market?

I have some advice on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights.

Who wants some?

My advice to Jussie Smollett is everyone makes mistakes...

Don't beat yourself up over it!

Don't ask for advice from gay people.

They never give straight answers.

So I followed some advice I heard on tv and shoved a lightbulb up my ass to kill this virus.

So far no effect, but it sure gave my colon a great idea.

Stalin's advice to Putin

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream and says, "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue."
Putin asks, "Why blue?"
Stalin: "I knew you would not object to the first one."
Stalin would be very proud of Putin.

My grandma's advice

My grandma always used to say " don't laugh at anybody, you might end up like them too".

From that day forth I started laughing at bill gates

I miss my dad. Before he left, he gave me this piece of advice.

Advi

advisor: Mr. President, you need to give a Christmas address to the nation.

Trump: Just tell them to send my presents to Mar-a-Lago.

What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke when Luke's marriage was falling apart?

Use divorce, Luke

Need advice

A bit hesitant to invest my money into this dubious Egyptian real estate company.

I am afraid it might be a pyramide scheme.

A Psychic's advice

A woman went to a psychic and found out she was going to live to be 100!

She figured if she was going to be around that long, she may as well look her best. She got the works! Face lift, boob job, nose job and looked amazing!

After her final procedure she got hit by a bus and died.

Upon arriving at heaven she cried and cried! "I was supposed to have 40 more years!"

God said "Oh, sorry. I didn't recognize you."

Advice for final exams

A college student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Wish me luck, I have end of term exams tomorrow," she tells the bartender. "Good luck," the bartender says. "Are you all prepared?" "I've done everything I can think of to prepare. I even texted my ex last night," she says. "I asked him if he had any good cheating tips."

I took their advice and tried to sleep my way to the top.

But I kept getting fired for showing up late.

If I followed the advice to live every day as if it's my last,

the body count would be astonishing.

Best advice I ever got on the internet was this:

Don't take advice from some rando on the internet.