Advanced Jokes
74 advanced jokes and hilarious advanced puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about advanced that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Explore the latest in advanced humor with this article about jokes that incorporate topics such as modern technologies, advanced math, chemistry, science, physics, and even music theory. Learn what makes jokes so efficient and modern and have a laugh!
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Funniest Advanced Short Jokes
Short advanced jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The advanced humour may include short progress jokes also.
- Why did the chicken go to the gym? To build up it's pecs.
(apologies in advance. I made this up). - I never knew how technologically advanced moses was... But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
- My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for £6000 She must think I'm crazy!!
- Just made this up, and apologize in advance... What did the Doctor give the weatherman after his skiing accident? 4 casts
- A guy barges into a psychiatrist's office, and screams... "Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!"
The doctor calmly answers "Pay me in advance" - My 5 year old son found videos meant for adults only... ...but he obviously couldn't understand the advanced calculus lectures from my university, so he stopped watching.
- My girlfriend is like an advanced calculus class. I don't have a clue what's going on but seems like those others guys are getting it.
- I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts He said I have to start paying in advance
- As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election. We know our results months in advance!
- Forgot to bring my protein powder to the gym today Guess I should've prepared whey in advance
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Advanced One Liners
Which advanced one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with advanced? I can suggest the ones about older and ahead.
- How do you stop a russian tank from advancing? Shoot the soldier pushing it.
- I told my psychologist that I have suicidal tendencies. He started charging in advance.
- I told my therapist I've been having suicidal thoughts He now makes me pay in advance
- Knives are extremely advanced They are all cutting edge technology
- What do you call a major advancement made by an emo? Cutting edge technology.
- I told my psychologist I'm having suicidal thoughts. He's making me pay in advance now.
- Why are fewer people going into archeology? Coz career advancement is in ruins.
- I told my therapist I had suicidal tendencies From then on he made me pay in advance!
- How did Russia win the second World War? By stalin' the german advance
- Human is the only species that evolve chin I'm so advanced that I already doubled it.
- What's worse than a receding hairline? An advancing hairline
- Unreal numbers are the easiest part of advanced mathematics. The struggle is real.
- I told my psychiatrist I'm having suicidal thoughts .... So he made me pay in advance
- Roses are red... Harambes in heaven, george bush had advanced knowledge of 9/11.
- What did Walter White teach? Advanced methematics.
Uplifting Advanced Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about advanced you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean upgrade jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make advanced pranks.
Sorry in advance for the pun...
So they opened a new zoo by my house, it really s**.... They only have one dog....it's a total shih tzu.
Soon be Christmas...
WHO SAYS doing Christmas shopping early avoids the crush? Last year, I did mine a full 12 months in advance, and the shops were just as busy as ever.
Fighter jock and the cargo pilot
A cargo plane is flying along, doing its cargo plane thing, when a fighter jet comes up alongside.
The fighter jock decides to poke some fun at the pilot who's forced to fly such an ungainly vessel.
"My plane's so much more advanced than yours. Watch this" says the jock, as he proceeds to do loop-de-loops, barrel rolls, corkscrews, and all manner of fast paced aerial acrobatics.
"Very impressive," responds the cargo pilot. "But that's nothing, watch this." For a half hour the large craft simply plods along straight as an arrow, not even so much as dipping the wings.
After a while, the cargo pilot comes back on the radio and says "So, what'd you think?"
Jock: "What d'you mean? You didn't do anything. You just flew straight for a while."
Cargo: "Oh no, that wasn't all. I got up, stretched my legs, got some coffee, went to the bathroom..."
A Greek and an Italian are arguing over whose culture is superior.
he Greek says "We built the Parthenon." the Italian says "We build the Colosseum." The Greek says "We came up with advanced Mathematics" The Italian says "We made the Roman Empire." The Greek is getting frustrated finally realizes how he can win the argument. "We invented s**...." The Italian replies "True, true, I can't argue with that, but we thought of having it with women."
my friend said he would buy me a game on steam if i can come up with a joke based on these subjects. if you guys could help! id be really appreciated! if not i understand this is asking a lot.
Russians,a Small Animal, an American,a Brazilian and a Cruise Ship. thanks in advance for anything any one comes up with!
New Reality Show: America's Next Top Proctologist.
You only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up.
A man was being chased in the woods by a lion who was going to eat him...
He ran his hardest, but the lion was advancing quickly. Just as it looked like the end for him, he decided on a last ditch effort. Being Catholic, he looked to the sky, dropped to his knees, and desperately prayed. "Lord!" he exclaimed. "Make this lion a Christian!" Instantly the lion pressed his paws together and prayed "For this meal in which I am about to partake..."
Sunday Morning s**...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the d**...." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
An old Chinese lady goes to see the eye doctor...
The optometrist gives her the regular eye exam then proceeds to do a few more tests because of her advanced age. After peering through one of his instruments into her eyes, he says "Well ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you've got cataracts." To which the Chinese woman replied, "No cataracts, I drive a Rincoln."
This is terrible, and I'd like to apologize in advance, but could anyone tell me why hipsters prefer corpses over zombies?
Corpses are still underground.
What Did The Hard Drive Get When It Wanted Data But Didn't Have The Resources?
A Cache-Advance
Made this up while laying in bed and yes it's bad. I apologize in advance
A 35 year old house painter walks out of his home on a snowy winter day but quickly scurries back inside and says with a grin on his face "It likes like I'M the one that needs another coat today"
I hear the Star Wars universe is so advanced, you can get Chinese food directly over the internet...
They use an e-wok.
Found my son and his girlfriend n**... in his room.
And I was like "*s**...-education* is so advanced now that they also give homework!"
A 'cure' for lesbianism.
I'm sorry in advance. My dad just told me this joke last night.
"Scientists believe they have found a a cure for lesbianism. The cure can be found in a prescription drug called tricoxsagain."
Guy joins the Army...
... but they are out of bayonets and ammo. They tell him to run into battle yelling "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!"
Much to his surprise, enemy soldiers are dropping all around him.
Then, this really big enemy comes over the hill. The guy yells, "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!", but the enemy keeps advancing and mows him down. As the enemy walks over him, he hears him shout, "Tankitty tankitty tank!"
Have you heard about the new advanced ABS system developed by an Israeli company?
Allows any vehicle equipped with it to stop on a dime.
"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." --career advancement program at my job
Then they fired me for violating the dress code at the bank. Hypocrites. How am I ever going to become a sumo wrestler now?
In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...
He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:
'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'
The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.
So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'
'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'
'The plumber is coming in the morning'.
I told my psychiatrist I'm thinking about s**...
He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
Unemployment at its best!
An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"
I made a lot of s**... mistakes as a kid.
Now that I'm an adult, I'm making far more advanced and complex mistakes.
So aliens flew by our planet recently and one asked the other...
Alien 1 How advanced is that civilization?
Alien 2 They have discovered nuclear technology.
Alien 1 Oh boy... That's pretty intelligent. We better keep our distance then from their missles.
Alien 2 Nah, they're not that smart yet. They have em pointed at themselves.
You don't want to get busy in an elevator.
Having s**... in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
Note: I did check the sub for this joke. Couldn't find it (I admit I didn't search too deep but I hope you enjoy this one).
I apologize in advance if this has been reposted.
I told my therapist that I've been having suicidal tendencies.
He made me start paying in advanced after that appointment...
I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies.
He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
Aliens and Humans
"Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire"
I told my psychiatrist I've been considering s**....
He told me I need to pay in advance now.
A british doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
Never thought I'd see a day where technology is so advanced you can watch a movie at home with the same experience,
But here VR
British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced
British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut out a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. 4 years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
Kindergarten Blonde
A blond girl comes home from her first day of kindergarten and says "most of the kids can count to 10, but I can count to 20. Is that because I'm a blond?"
Her mom says"yes dear, it's because you're a blond."
The next day the girl comes home and says "today we had to do our ABC's." Most of the kids only got half way, but I knew them all. Is that because I'm a blond, mom?"
"Yes dear, it's because you're a blond."
The following day the girl comes home and says "we had gym today and I noticed I'm more physically advanced than the others. . Is that because I'm a blond, mom?"
Her mom says " no dear. It's because you're 24."
In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list
On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"
The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 years. The guy replies "because the plumber is visiting in the morning".
Old Soviet insider joke. Pardon any English mistakes.
What do you call a chicken that is a ghost?
a poultrygeist
Ill be taking my downvotes in advance thanks
A guy lost his fingers in an accident at work.
He rushed to the hospital and made his way to the emergency ward.
When he arrived the doctor came in and said, "Not to fret, Mr. Roberts, with the technology of today and advances in medicine, we can easily reattach your fingers and you'll be able to return to work in a couple of days. Now... where are the fingers?"
"I haven't got 'em." The man replied.
"Why not!?" Asked the doctor.
The man says "I couldn't pick 'em up!"
i told my psychiatrist I'm having suicidal thoughts
he said i have to start paying him in advance from now on
Why are there so few Jim Jones jokes?
Because the punch line would be too long.
I apologize in advance.
My grandfather gave me the Luger p**... he took from a German soldier he shot
I had no idea that at his advanced age, he was shooting people in foreign countries and smuggling weapons.
A depressed man went to the doctor
The man said "Doc, I'm having dark thoughts and I may be suicidal. What should I do?"
And the doctor said "Pay in advance."
What's interesting is that this joke can now be reused and instead of Soviet Union we can just say; current day Russia
In Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...
He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:
'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'
The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.
So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'
'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'
'The plumber is coming in the morning'.
I think my daughter is dating a female spy
Its seems like a very advanced form of Lesbionage
An Easter joke.
A priest was arguing with a rabbi.
"What is great in our religion", says the priest, "is that there is room for advancement. A humble village priest can become a bishop, an archbishop, a cardinal, who knows?, maybe even the Pope!"
The rabbi answers: "What about the Almighty? Can he become the Almighty?"
"Certainly not!", responds the priest, "what a sacrilegious thought! No mere mortal man can aspire to become the Almighty!"
The rabbi retorts: "One of our boys made it!"
What’s the difference between a beginner accordion player and an advanced one? The beginner knows how to play “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” in three different keys.