Advance Jokes

Following is our collection of establish humor and monthly one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Advance puns for adults, dirty rubles jokes or clean upboat gags for kids.

There is an abundance of ahead jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 54 funniest jokes on advance. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any invest witze you can hear about advance.

The Best jokes about Advance

My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for £6000

She must think I'm crazy!!

A guy barges into a psychiatrist's office, and screams...

"Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!"

The doctor calmly answers "Pay me in advance"

I told my psychiatrist I'm thinking about suicide

He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts

He said I have to start paying in advance

Forgot to bring my protein powder to the gym today

Guess I should've prepared whey in advance


I told my psychologist that I have suicidal tendencies.

He started charging in advance.

I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies.

He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,

'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'

'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'

'The plumber is coming in the morning'.

Sorry in advance for the pun...

So they opened a new zoo by my house, it really sucks. They only have one dog....it's a total shih tzu.

Stalin, a secretary, and a general

It's the height of World War II. In a Kremlin briefing room, a leading Russian general has just been given direct orders from Stalin to advance on his front, presumably a suicidal command. Upon leaving, the general mutters under his breath the words "Murderous Mustache".

Stalin's secretary, who is nearby, overhears these words and dashes into the Vozhd's war office. "Comrade Stalin, Comrade Stalin! That General, do you know what he just said! He said murderous mustache!".

Stalin, incensed, calls the general back into his office. "Comrade, I've been told you just said the words "Murderous Mustache". Who were you referring to?"

"The despicable Fascist scum, Adolf Hitler. That was who I was talking about, Comrade Stalin." replies the general in a cool, collected manner.

Stalin turns to his secretary.

"And who did YOU have in mind, Comrade Secretary?"

Made this up while laying in bed and yes it's bad. I apologize in advance

A 35 year old house painter walks out of his home on a snowy winter day but quickly scurries back inside and says with a grin on his face "It likes like I'M the one that needs another coat today"


A 'cure' for lesbianism.

I'm sorry in advance. My dad just told me this joke last night.

"Scientists believe they have found a a cure for lesbianism. The cure can be found in a prescription drug called tricoxsagain."

You don't want to get busy in an elevator.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

Note: I did check the sub for this joke. Couldn't find it (I admit I didn't search too deep but I hope you enjoy this one).

I apologize in advance if this has been reposted.

New Reality Show: America's Next Top Proctologist.

You only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up.

This is terrible, and I'd like to apologize in advance, but could anyone tell me why hipsters prefer corpses over zombies?

Corpses are still underground.

I told my psychiatrist I've been considering suicide.

He told me I need to pay in advance now.

Soon be Christmas...

WHO SAYS doing Christmas shopping early avoids the crush? Last year, I did mine a full 12 months in advance, and the shops were just as busy as ever.

my friend said he would buy me a game on steam if i can come up with a joke based on these subjects. if you guys could help! id be really appreciated! if not i understand this is asking a lot.

Russians,a Small Animal, an American,a Brazilian and a Cruise Ship. thanks in advance for anything any one comes up with!

I told my therapist I had suicidal tendencies

From then on he made me pay in advance!


Did you hear about the Eye Doctor who changed professions to become a comedian?

He made a spectacle of himself.

.

ok its bad. Apologies in advance.

The racing driver

The racing driver can't work out why he's come in last in a race despite using the fastest, most technologically advance car.

With his support team, he checks the vehicle and finds three men in large dresses, full make-up and wigs sitting on the roof.

"There's the problem," says the engineer. "Too much drag."

How did Russia win the second World War?

By stalin' the german advance

NEED HELP

I'm in a situation that could require me to pull out some good jokes when asked. I need to hear the best jokes on the internet. The dirtier the better. Thanks in advance

Did you hear about the Queen's abortion?

I hear it was a royal flush

\[Like always please Up/Down vote at your own discretion but please don't downvote just because you are offended - It was marked NSFW to warn you in advance\]

PLEASE HELP! i need some shoe related jokes.

yes that's right. if anyone can give me some jokes related to shoes it would be greatly appreciated. would be an added bonus if they could somehow be related to exercise as well.

thanks in advance
lots of love from dwek

If your cup is half full...

You probably need a different bra.





P.S. I don't know if this counts as a joke, so sorry in advance.

So, my friend bought a cute baby donkey

First, he taught it to walk and run. It grew up to carry anything and still run at great speed. After that, he taught it to be friendly to everyone. It grew up to be a great emotional support animal. He taught it to study and read. It grew up to advance animal consciousness research.

So, after getting myself a donkey of my own, I had to ask him what he did to teach anything and everything to his donkey. He smirked, and simply replied that his donkey was just a smart ass.

I asked my dying father if he could pay for his expensive gravestone in advance before he died.

He replied, "Over my dead body."

Have there been any new advances in anti-itch skin creams?

It just seems like we've only scratched the surface.

My girlfriend said that I would never advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.

I said, Oh, yeah? Just you wait.

If you had to choose one superpower to have forever

please legalize weed if it's Russia. Thanks in advance.

What's Bernie Sanders's favorite insurance company?

Progressive

*this just popped up in my head while in the shower. If already posted I apologize in advance*

I was at the mall with my friend looking for a 'Learn to speak Spanish' book. [apologies in advance for what I hope is OC]

My friend speaks Spanish fluently and he is great with numbers so we were looking for cheap books when we came to the table that advertised, 5 books for the price of 3. I found the books we needed on another table and surprised when I saw the same offer.

"Oh Look, 5 for 3 too Juan."

[Again, sorry. I tried. :) I was going to work 'sticks' and 7 ate 9 into it but have a go yourself. ]

What do you call a brass instrument that saves its money?

A frugal horn. Sorry in advance.

Advanced AI shouldn't be allowed to choose genders

Especially non-binary......because they're made of 1's and 0's

What kind of car did Jesus drive?

OK. I apologize in advance if you've already seen this one. it's an old joke from the 70's, when there was a gas crisis, and they posted this question on billboards around the South.

So, what's the answer? The answer is that no know knows what Jesus drove, but we know that his Father drove a Plymouth. How do we know? Because it says so right in the Bible. It clearly says that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.

I need advanced science/research jokes. I have to do stand up in front of dozens of senior research professors. Help!

Through a long series of coincidences, hijinx, and idiocy, I, a sophomore undergraduate, am going to be standing up in front of an entire university's research staff, consisting of PhD's and MD's who will someday probably be grading me, telling jokes at the the winter research symposium. I need jokes on science and research, preferably medicine, pharmacology, biology, and chemistry. I have a couple, but I need a bunch. HALP!

Need some help from you guys!

I'm writing a script for a commercial for a small denture business, and the client wants me to open with a pun and so far anything I've come up with is pretty bleak.. So hit me with your best mouth/dentist/smile (etc.) puns! Thanks in advance.

Upvotes for all answers!

How many Apple Geniuses does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, *but you need to make an appointment in advance*

I told my psychiatrist I'm having suicidal thoughts

.... So he made me pay in advance

How do you fit four gays on one stool?

Flip it upside-down.

(sorry in advance)

I enroled in courses of hypnosis

The first lessons didn't please me and so I determined to pay direct for a year in advance and not to attend there

SpaceX will reuse their rocket. Blue Origin will reuse their rockette. Neither is an advance.

For 83 years, Radio City has reused theirs.

Stationary bike

Hey guys! Does anyone know where I can buy a stationary bike? I want to use it to go to work these months. Thanks in advance!

What's the difference between cocaine and a baby? (Apologies in advance)

Eric Clapton won't let cocaine fall out of a window....

Near-immediate

Here's a pretty good joke about your pet marine mammal having sex in an auto parts store.

Your welcome in advance.

"What wine do you have at this restaurant that you would recommend for an arts student?"

"Vodka. The cheapest brand. And show me the money in advance."

They planned the date when the Burj Khalifa would be finished in advance...

They wanted to know when it'd be due by

Why does the deaf guy have to plan everything out weeks in advance?

He can't play anything by ear.

What are some good non-dirty jokes for a bride at her bridal party, please (she's a sweet, innocent person)?

Thanks in advance!

National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance

Sorry in advance as this is a very stupid joke

Two ants are strolling down the forest when they find the body of an old pen. It's hollow as the ink was removed, so get inside and it's nice and cozy. It's actually so nice that they decide to invite some other ants there, later that day, for a party, even hired an ant DJ.


What's the name of this movie?

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Independence day

Can someone help me understand this joke....

Today while listening to Townes Van Zandt, he tells a joke on a live album: What's white and crawls up your leg? Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice. Am I too young to understand this? Is there a historical element to this missing?? Is it just obsurd? Thanks in advance and hope this is the right place to ask this question.

Agricultural engineers regularly advance their fields.

Tl;dr: My dad taught me well

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes