Laughable Advance Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
I told my psychiatrist I'm having suicidal thoughts
.... So he made me pay in advance
PLEASE HELP! i need some shoe related jokes.
yes that's right. if anyone can give me some jokes related to shoes it would be greatly appreciated. would be an added bonus if they could somehow be related to exercise as well.
thanks in advance
lots of love from dwek
Sorry in advance for the pun...
So they opened a new zoo by my house, it really s**.... They only have one dog....it's a total shih tzu.
Soon be Christmas...
WHO SAYS doing Christmas shopping early avoids the crush? Last year, I did mine a full 12 months in advance, and the shops were just as busy as ever.
my friend said he would buy me a game on steam if i can come up with a joke based on these subjects. if you guys could help! id be really appreciated! if not i understand this is asking a lot.
Russians,a Small Animal, an American,a Brazilian and a Cruise Ship. thanks in advance for anything any one comes up with!
New Reality Show: America's Next Top Proctologist.
You only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up.
Need some help from you guys!
I'm writing a script for a commercial for a small denture business, and the client wants me to open with a pun and so far anything I've come up with is pretty bleak.. So hit me with your best mouth/dentist/smile (etc.) puns! Thanks in advance.
Upvotes for all answers!
This is terrible, and I'd like to apologize in advance, but could anyone tell me why hipsters prefer corpses over zombies?
Corpses are still underground.
How do you fit four g**... on one stool?
Flip it upside-down.
(sorry in advance)
Made this up while laying in bed and yes it's bad. I apologize in advance
A 35 year old house painter walks out of his home on a snowy winter day but quickly scurries back inside and says with a grin on his face "It likes like I'M the one that needs another coat today"
Can someone help me understand this joke....
Today while listening to Townes Van Zandt, he tells a joke on a live album: What's white and crawls up your leg? Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice. Am I too young to understand this? Is there a historical element to this missing?? Is it just obsurd? Thanks in advance and hope this is the right place to ask this question.
You can explore advance establish reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean advance rubles dad jokes. There are also advance puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What do you call a brass instrument that saves its money?
A frugal horn. Sorry in advance.
What's the difference between c**... and a baby? (Apologies in advance)
Eric Clapton won't let c**... fall out of a window....
Near-immediate
A 'cure' for lesbianism.
I'm sorry in advance. My dad just told me this joke last night.
"Scientists believe they have found a a cure for lesbianism. The cure can be found in a prescription drug called tricoxsagain."
My friend speaks Spanish fluently and he is great with numbers
so we were looking for cheap books when we came to the table that advertised, 5 books for the price of 3. I found the books we needed on another table and surprised when I saw the same offer.
"Oh Look, 5 for 3 too Juan."
If your cup is half full...
You probably need a different bra.
P.S. I don't know if this counts as a joke, so sorry in advance.
Forgot to bring my protein powder to the gym today
Guess I should've prepared whey in advance
What's Bernie Sanders's favorite insurance company?
Progressive
*this just popped up in my head while in the shower. If already posted I apologize in advance*
NEED HELP
I'm in a situation that could require me to pull out some good jokes when asked. I need to hear the best jokes on the internet. The dirtier the better. Thanks in advance
A guy barges into a psychiatrist's office, and screams...
"Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!"
The doctor calmly answers "Pay me in advance"
In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...
He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:
'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'
The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.
So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'
'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'
'The plumber is coming in the morning'.
The racing driver
The racing driver can't work out why he's come in last in a race despite using the fastest, most technologically advance car.
With his support team, he checks the vehicle and finds three men in large dresses, full make-up and wigs sitting on the roof.
"There's the problem," says the engineer. "Too much drag."
I told my psychiatrist I'm thinking about s**...
He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
Did you hear about the Eye Doctor who changed professions to become a comedian?
He made a spectacle of himself.
.
ok its bad. Apologies in advance.
I told my psychologist that I have suicidal tendencies.
He started charging in advance.
How did Russia win the second World War?
By stalin' the german advance
If you had to choose one superpower to have forever
please legalize w**... if it's Russia. Thanks in advance.
You don't want to get busy in an elevator.
Having s**... in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
Note: I did check the sub for this joke. Couldn't find it (I admit I didn't search too deep but I hope you enjoy this one).
I apologize in advance if this has been reposted.
How many Apple Geniuses does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, *but you need to make an appointment in advance*
I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies.
He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for £6000
She must think I'm crazy!!
My girlfriend said that I would never advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
I said, Oh, yeah? Just you wait.
I enroled in courses of hypnosis
The first lessons didn't please me and so I determined to pay direct for a year in advance and not to attend there
I told my psychiatrist I've been considering s**....
He told me I need to pay in advance now.
Have there been any new advances in anti-itch skin creams?
It just seems like we've only scratched the surface.
I asked my dying father if he could pay for his expensive gravestone in advance before he died.
He replied, "Over my dead body."
Advanced AI shouldn't be allowed to choose genders
Especially non-binary......because they're made of 1's and 0's
I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts
He said I have to start paying in advance
Stationary bike
Hey guys! Does anyone know where I can buy a stationary bike? I want to use it to go to work these months. Thanks in advance!
What kind of car did Jesus drive?
OK. I apologize in advance if you've already seen this one. it's an old joke from the 70's, when there was a gas crisis, and they posted this question on billboards around the South.
So, what's the answer? The answer is that no know knows what Jesus drove, but we know that his Father drove a Plymouth. How do we know? Because it says so right in the Bible. It clearly says that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.
I told my therapist I had suicidal tendencies
From then on he made me pay in advance!
In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list
On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"
The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 years. The guy replies "because the plumber is visiting in the morning".
Old Soviet insider joke. Pardon any English mistakes.
I told my psychologist I'm having suicidal thoughts.
He's making me pay in advance now.
As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election.
We know our results months in advance!
What do you call a chicken that is a ghost?
a poultrygeist
Ill be taking my downvotes in advance thanks
I told my therapist I've been having suicidal thoughts
He now makes me pay in advance
i told my psychiatrist I'm having suicidal thoughts
he said i have to start paying him in advance from now on
Need some jokes
So I'm a mailman and I deliver to a barber where we do a joke a day to eachother. I need some new jokes to tell, they can be clean or dirty as he has a sense of humor. If you have a good barber or mailmen joke would be a plus. Thank you in advance.
I love sunny side up eggs. But no matter how far in advance I plan to make one...
...I always wind up scrambling at the last minute.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To build up it's pecs.
(apologies in advance. I made this up).
Just made this up, and apologize in advance... What did the Doctor give the weatherman after his skiing accident?
4 casts
Took my cat to the vet the other day, he had an upset stomach.
The vet asked me whats wrong with the cat,
I told him he isnt "feline" very good.
(Im sorry im advance)
The glass ceiling
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My girlfriend is always complaining that she can't advance at work because of the glass ceiling. What do you think" he asks the bartender. "I think if our workplaces really had glass ceilings," the bartender replies,"we'd probably let all the women work above us."
In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...
In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car. He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:
'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'
The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.
So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'
'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'
'The plumber is coming in the morning'.
Why are there so few Jim Jones jokes?
Because the punch line would be too long.
I apologize in advance.
A depressed man went to the doctor
The man said "Doc, I'm having dark thoughts and I may be suicidal. What should I do?"
And the doctor said "Pay in advance."
What's interesting is that this joke can now be reused and instead of Soviet Union we can just say; current day Russia
In Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...
He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:
'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'
The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.
So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'
'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'
'The plumber is coming in the morning'.
