Adults Jokes

Following is our collection of unvaccinated humor and children one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Adults puns for adults, dirty americans jokes or clean infants gags for kids.

There is an abundance of groucho jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 85 funniest jokes on adults. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any ages witze you can hear about adults.

The Best jokes about Adults

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'.

I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"

What contains the letters a,u, t, and s and is caused by vaccines?

adults

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

My wife says adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava,

but I'm on the fence.


Why do kids hate coffee, but adults enjoy it?

Because, when you're a kid, coffee is the bitterest experience you've had in life.

I saw a kid being beat up by 4 adults and tried to help.

Kid couldn't stand for long against 5 adults.

A child and Human Origin

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"


So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."


The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."


The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"


His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said,

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

I hate when people say "act like an adult"

Have you seen adults lately?


Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."

Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.

Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."

The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:

"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."

families

so a young boy was told by one of his friends that if he told adults he knows the whole truth they'll give him stuff. so he went home and told his mom i know the whole truth. the mother responded by saying " take these 20 dollars and shut up", so the next day he said the same thing to his dad his dad said "shut up and take this 50 dollars". so the next day he saw the mail man and said i know the whole truth the mail man said " then come and give your real father a big hug.

A little boy's friend tells him:

"If you say to adults 'I know about it all', they'll give you anything."
So of course he goes home and says to his dad: "I know about it all". The dad hands him 100 bucks and tells him "but don't tell mommy".
The kid, stoked, goes to his mom and says: "I know about it all". The mom hands him 200 bucks and says "Please don't tell daddy".
Then the bell rings, and the kid opens the door to find the mailman outside. The kid tells him "I know about it all".
The mailman happily drops the package he's holding and yells "Well say hello to daddy!

I finally figured out what vaccines actually cause!

Adults

Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults.

Every kid gets atrophy.

It's 2023, a child asks her father "how did Donald Trump get elected?"

".....that was the year all the adults were busy coloring."

Have you been drinking sir?

"Been drinking tonight sir?" The policeman asked.

"I had one earlier, but that was all," I replied.

"I think you've had a few more than that sir. Would you step out of the van please."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because the Postman Pat ride isn't really designed for adults and there's children waiting for their go."

Do infants have as much fun in infancy

as adults do in adultery?


What do Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey have in common?

The House of Cards they had built in Hollywoodland has now made them The Usual Suspects in Sin City. This was supposed to be LA Confidential but apparently they couldnt find Consenting Adults. The American Beauty of this is that they will now forever be Inglorious Basterds.

A child asked his father:

"How were people born"? So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and had babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him: "We were monkeys, then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two consenting adults.

What do you call it when young adults are so obsessed with their phones that they stop having sex?

Appstinence

A New Scientific Study on Vaccines

A new scientific study came out recently proving a correlation between vaccines and adults with autism.
The reason given to this correlation was the children without vaccines died before becoming adults

Wanna hear about the time I got kicked out of school?

Everyone knows that kindergarteners are very curious. So back in the day I was peeing at a urinal, and Timmy comes up to me and says, "Whoa, your wiener is huge!"
I thought nothing of it at the time. But when we got back to class, Timmy started telling everyone. Within the hour they wanted to see it, so I went to the door to check if any adults were coming, then I whipped it out for everyone to see.
Eventually Susan ratted me out, and that's how I lost my teaching career.

A kid is with his friends at school

One of his friends tells him, "If you want money go up to one of your parents and say I know the truth." The kid is like heck yeah I want money and goes up to his mom. "Mom I know the truth." The mom hands the kid 50 bucks and says, "Now your father doesn't need to hear about this right?" The kid thinks "Wow that worked great! I wonder if it works on other adults." So he goes to his mailman and says, "I know the truth." The mailman opens his arms wide and says, "Come here son!"

I love talking to kids

Adults never ask me what my 3rd favorite reptile is.

I had a threesome with two girls. They said they were 28 years old...

How was I supposed to know they meant combined? They really look like adults, especially the 20-years old

Do infants enjoy infantry...

as much as adults enjoy adultery?

What do you call a punch that can kill 20 kids and 6 adults?

A Sandy Hook.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Probably not.

I went to the movie theater, and they said it was $6 for adults and $4 for children

So I said: "Alright, then give me two boys and a girl."

With a wheelchair, everyday is Halloween!

Children are scared of you, adults try to guess what you are, and the elderly just give you candy!


Paraphrased from the wonderful Zach Anner

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50.

So I
said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

How were people born?

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

I treat children the same way I treat adults but some parents don't seem to like that.

Apparently they don't appreciate me telling their kids to blow me.

adults make better fighters than infants

yet more battles are won by infantry than adultery

What are children generally better at then adults?

Giving the pope an errection

Whenever I see signs on my local steets for "Slow Children at Play" I feel sad for them

It's one thing to be disabled during childhood when adults can take care of all their needs, but what will they do with themselves when they grow up?

Then I got on the highway and saw a sign for "Slow Men at Work".

Adults used to tell me that if I went into the inner city, I could get robbed by a drug dealer...

I finally understand now, $5 for a cup of coffee is ridiculous

Did you know that only 1 in 4 US Adults with children have a Will?

The rest gave them some other names, I assume.

"Most adults are hiding at least one dark secret!!!"

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

Today I discovered a shocking side effect of vaccines.

Adults

State of the world right now!

Young People have Energy and Time...But No Money

Adults have Energy and Money...But No Time

Old People have Time and Money... But No Energy

What's a priest's favorite non-bible verse?

It's not adultery if they're not adults

If you adults are so mature then stop making school shooting jokes.

They're directed at a younger audiance

(PLS don't get offended)

TIFU by listening to adults when I was a kid.

They kept saying "Don't get any bright ideas." Sure enough, I never did.

90 percent of adults admitted to having some form of sexual interaction in the office.

I licked an envelope once.

Why do adults like Legos so much, when they grow old?

They can't lego of their childhood.

Tell some more Lego puns, here!

#METOO

Many adults still read the symbol # as 'pound,' not 'hashtag' so imagine their surprise to learn a movement meant to bring awareness to sexual assault and harassment was named 'pound me too,'

Kids are smarter than adults

I believe that kids are much smarter than adults.
Why?
Because I don't know one kid who has a wife and a family.

I read an article that said to cheer up as adults, we should embrace things we loved as kids.

So, when I am sad I hide in the shower and try to watch the babysitter pee.

There was a meeting for evil clowns to boast about their evil

First, pennywise stepped up and said,"I've killed millions of children!"
Then the joker stepped up and said," I've killed millions of adults without any super powers!"
Then the last of the group, Ronald Mcdonald, stepped up with a smile.
" I've killed millions of all ages without any super powers AND they paid me for it!!"

An drunk alcoholic walks into a kids' party

He sees all these long lines of children waiting for their rides, snacks etc.
He finally sees some adults holding drinks in their hands and joins them.
He stand there for hours, waiting for the line to move. Finally when his number comes, he asks for a Vodka Martini, Shaken not stirred. I have waited so long for this line to end, please make it quick.
The person replies, Sir, I am sorry to inform you.
You waited this whole time for the punch line.

As kids we loved the heroes,

As adults we understood the villains.

Why aren't adults afraid of the dark?

Because with the current price of electricity they are afraid of the light

Kids marry

Adults date
Master bate

Why do kids get bloody noses more often than adults?

Sharpe fingernails!

Diapers

Why are baby's diapers called loves, huggies, and pampers, while adult diapers are called depends?

Well that's because when we're babies our family will still pamper, love, and give us huggies after changing our diaper, but when we're adults it depends on who's in the will.

TIL that kids are better at making abstract drawing than adults

because they suck at drawing.

What body part do adults have two of and children have four of?

Kidneys.

Vaccinanted vs Unvaccinated adults

(2045)
Vaccinated adults: Man I'm glad I grew up playing fortnite
Unvaccinated adults: Man I'm glad I grew up

Fun fact: 7% of American adults believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows.

93% of American adults think chocolate milk should come from white male cows.

Do you want to hear a joke?

Decaf...



My 6 year-old walks around telling this joke to everyone. Adults find it hilarious when it comes from a 6 year-old, because it's just not something you expect to hear.

What's the difference between Japanese sake bars and doctors in Oregon?

One of them serves adults in Asia...

Why do adults always ask kids what they want to be when they grow up?

They're looking for ideas.

Why don't they make bouncy houses for adults?

You'd spill your drink.

When a dating site tells me "Someone new likes you!" I get angry

because I'm there to meet adults, not babies.

Did you hear they are making a new version of Slip n Slides for adults?

They're calling them Flop n Stops

They say 1 in 4 adults are abysmal at maths.

The other 2 are just bad.

[NSFW] Why do adults call catholic pastors father?

Because they already get called "daddy" by little boys.

I'm. So. Sorry...

A Christian, a Jew, a Pagan, a Muslim, and an atheist walk into a cafe

They drink coffee and have a reasonable, mild-mannered conversation because they're adults.

Everyone booed at me when I stabbed a child

Maybe I should've attended a fencing competition for adults.

Are those Balloon animals ?

Going on a family vacation with a lot of kids can be a trial.

We found a really nice campground with all the amenities, to park the camper.

We met several other families, as the children all played outside.

For hours, the kids kept coming back inside asking for quarters over and over.

This went on for some time, until, the whole camper full of adults had to go outside to

find out what the screams of delight and giggling was about.

Among eight children and 200 empty contraception wrappers

was some of the best balloon animals I have ever seen.





Edit : on spelling

I've been married 3 times.

Kids?
No, always with adults.

Kids have crushes

Adults have girlfriends

Legends have depression

All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children's activity centre...

It's like they'd never seen a naked man before

What do 40 year old adults and 2 year old anti vaccine kids have in common?

A mid-life crisis.

Yogurt is like...

Baby food for adults

Yeah, Vaccines cause autism

Because vaccines cause adults and you have to be alive to have autism.

Prostitutes are like Sundays.

They have got no class and usually adults are found sleeping over them.

Which type of people sound like they have the most fun sex?

Consenting French adults.

When I was a kid, I used to be afraid of adults.

Now I'm terrified.

Studies have shown...

That Adults live longer than children.

Do you have kidneys?

No, you have adult knees

*DISCLAIMER: Should be directed to adults, not children. Dad jokes FTW.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes