Adultery Jokes

Following is our collection of extramarital humor and infidelity one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Adultery puns for adults, dirty sinner jokes or clean marital gags for kids.

There is an abundance of infants jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 41 funniest jokes on adultery. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any premarital witze you can hear about adultery.

The Best jokes about Adultery

What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls?

American girls get stoned BEFORE they commit adultery.

My father always taught me that in adultery there are no winners

but participation is more important than winning

Moses reaches the bottom of Mt. Sinai, gathers the people together, and says, "Alright everyone, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I got him down to 10."

"The bad news is adultery stays."

An 85 year old man goes into a confessional...

An 85 year old man goes into a confessional. He said "Forgive me father but I have sinned".

The priest replied: "tell me your sins my son."

"I am committing adultery. I have a 25 year old girl friend. Every morning I tell my wife that I am going to have coffee with my friends, but instead I go to my girl friends house where she gives me a blow job and then we have sex for an hour."

The Priest said: "adultery is a grave sin. But Mr Cohn, you're Jewish. Why are you telling me?"

Mr. Cohn replied "hey, I'm telling everybody."

A man goes to confession

He says to the priest: "Forgive me father for I have committed adultery... I think."

"What do you mean you think? You're not sure if you've committed adultery?" Inquired the priest.

"Well father. I was with a woman and things were about to get nasty. I THOUGHT about putting it in but never actually put it in. And so I decided to leave."

"Of course that's adultery!" Replied the priest. "THINKING about putting it in is the SAME as putting it in. Now for penance I want you to pray 10 Our Fathers and leave $50 in the donation box."

So the man leaves the confessional and says his prayers. Then he approaches the donation box for a moment and begins to leave, but the priest runs over and stops him.

"My son! I saw that you prayed your penance but you haven't made your donation!"

The man replied, "Well Father, I thought real hard about putting it in!"


An old woman falls asleep in church

The priest asks, "How many of you commit adultery? Those who do, stand up." Just then the old lady wakes up and asks her son-in-law, "What did he say?" The son-in-law wants to play a prank and answers "Those who take Tic Tacs have to stand up." The woman, who takes the pills by boxes, stands up. Everyone gasps, and the priest asks, "How could you, at your age?"

"Just because I've got no teeth doesn't mean I can't suck 'em!"

Do infants have as much fun in infancy

as adults do in adultery?

God's commandments (x-post classic4chan)

God went around the world looking for a nation to give his commandments to.

First he tried the French.

"Would you be interested in my commandments?"

"What's in 'em?"

"Well... There's 'thou shalt not commit adultery."

"No thank you."

God then tried the Romans.

"Would you be interested in my commandments?"

"What's in 'em?"

"Well... There's 'thou shalt not steal."

"No thank you."

Then God tried the Germans.

"Would you be interested in my commandments?"

"What's in 'em?"

"Well... There's 'thou shalt not kill."

"No thank you."

Finally God tried the Jews.

"Would you be interested in my commandments?"

"How much?"

"How much...? Well, eh, technically they're free, but you must maintain-"

"We'll take ten!"

An 80 year old man walks into a confessional booth

He tells the priest that he just had a threesome with two 20 year old girls. Father said "I'm glad you confessed, adultery is a sin, and your penance is to say five Hail Maries." The 80 year old replied, "I've never said the Hail Mary, I'm Jewish."



The good father asked, "Then why did you come here to tell me this?"



"I'm 80 years old and just had a threesome," he replied. "I'm telling everyone"

So, God goes to different countries asking if they're interested in his commandments.

First, he tried the French. He said:
"Would you be interested in commandments?"
The French replied "what's in 'em?"
God said "Well, one is that you shall not commit adultery"
and the French said "no thanks."

Next God tried the Romanians. He asked if they would be interested in some commandments, to which the Romanians replied,
"what's in them?"
God said "well, one says you shall not steal..."
the Romanians say "no thanks."

Next, God tried Israel. He said, "do you want some commandments?"
They immediately said "how much?"
God said, "well, they're free, but you will hav-"
"We'll take ten!"

Cast the first stone...

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"


Q: What is the difference between a Protestant woman and a Muslim woman?

A: Protestant woman gets stoned before they commit adultery.

The 10 Commandments

So an Archangel comes from heaven to give humanity these nifty new commandments from God.

First he goes to the French and says:

"I have new Commandments from God, would you like to hear them?"

"Ah, oui? What do zey say?"

"For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery"

"Oh, non, non, merci, non", and they send the Angel on his way.



The Angel then goes to the Germans:

"I have new Commandments from God."

"Ja? Vat do they say?"

"Well for example: Thou shalt not kill"

The Germans shake their heads, "I think's not, nein, danke!"


The Angel, perturbed, goes to the Jews and says:

"I have new Commandments from God..."

"How much?"

"Well...they're free"

"We'll take ten."

An angel goes to give humanity the Commandments.

The angel goes to the French and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The French ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shall not commit adultery." The French tell the angel they aren't interested.

The angel goes to the Germans and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The Germans ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shalt not kill." The Germans tell the angel they aren't interested.

The angel goes to the Italians and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The Italians ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shall not steal." The Italians tell the angel they aren't interested.

Desperate, the angel goes to the Jews and says, "Please. I'm trying to get rid of these Commandments. Would you like them?" The Jews ask how much they are and the angel replies, "Absolutely free!" to which the Jews reply "We'll take 10!"

Do infants enjoy infantry...

as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Moses is walking down the mountain with the ten commandments...

... as he looks over them he thinks this is just too much to ask a society to do all at once. He has a plan! Just go around the world and give out one commandment at a time.

So he travels to France. "Hello people of France, I want to give you a commandment from God." The French say "Okay we're listening." Moses replies "Thou shall not commit adultery!" The French look at him and say "It's okay we don't need a commandment right now."

So he travels to Germany. "Hello people of Germany, I want to give you a commandment from God." The Germans say "Okay we're listening." Moses replies "Thou shall not Kill!" The Germans chuckle say "It's okay we don't need a commandment."

So Moses travels to Israel. "Hello people of Israel, I want to give you commandment from God." The Israelis say "Okay, how much are they?" Moses replies "Um... well they're free" The Israelis look at him and say "Okay we'll take ten."

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Probably not.

What's the difference between a Muslim woman and an American one?

An American woman gets stoned *before* she commits adultery.

Why did Roy Moore go for underage girls?

He didn't want to commit *adult*ery.


adults make better fighters than infants

yet more battles are won by infantry than adultery

Adultery

n old man went into confession and told the priest: Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice.
I see, said the priest. When was the last time you were in confession?
Never,Father , replied the old man. I'm Jewish
So why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!

What's a priest's favorite non-bible verse?

It's not adultery if they're not adults

Arkansas ranks highly among other states in terms of depression and adultery

It's a sad state of affairs.

A man and a priest are sitting next to each other at a bar.

A waitress walks up to the man and say,

"can I get you anything to drink". The man replies,

"I've had a long week, my wife's been screaming at me for days and need a pick me up, give me the strongest thing you've got".

Then the waitress turns to the priest and asks him the same thing. Horrified at the concept of consuming alcohol, the priest says,

"I would rather commit adultery than drink a single drop of booze!!!"

Hearing this, the man turns back around and says, "Excuse me miss, I didn't know we had a choice".

God sends an angel down from Heaven...

...To bring the commandments to the people of the world, first the angel visits the French and he says "I have these commandments for you, they'll make your lives better"

"Well, what are they?" asked the French

"Thou shalt not commit adultery" replied the angel

"Bah, we're not interested" the French scoffed, and he waved the angel away. Next the angel went to the Germans and offered them the commandments, "What are they?" the Germans asked.

"Thou shalt not kill" said the angel

"Thou shalt not kill?" said the Germans "I think not" And they waved the angel off

Next the angel went to the Italians and offered them the commandments, "What are they?" the Italians asked.

"Thou shalt not steal" said the angel

"Ah, go away" Said the Italians, and they waved the angel off

Then the angel went to the Jews and said "Look, I've got these commandments..."

"How much are they?" asked the Jews

"They're free"

"We'll take ten"

Where can you find information about raisins that commit adultery?

Currant Affairs

Moses comes down from the mountaint

— Okay, guys, I have the commandments. I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?

— The good news.

— I've managed to bring it down to ten.

— What's the bad news?

— I've had to leave adultery in.

A preacher gives a sermon on the 10 Commandments ...

hoping that when he got to "Thou Shall Not Steal" whoever stole his bike would confess.

No one confessed.

But when he got to the part about "Thou shall not commit adultery" he remembered where he left his bike.

What's the difference between a Western girl and an Arab girl?

The Western girl gets stoned **before** she commits adultery.

What's shadier than a young tree?

Adultery!

*Ba-dum tss*

Code Word

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit! "Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen. "From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen. "This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen! "The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said -"I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week! "

What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

I tell my girlfriend I'm cheating on her.

She asks "Are you kidding me?!" And I reply "No, that's why it's called adultery."

What's an anime with adultery?

Cory in the Spouse

Meaning of Adultery

Adultery: what happens when you don't keep up your landscaping around the yard.

What the rednecks consider to be adultery?

Someone else to beat your wife.

What did the constipated fish do after commiting adultery?

She made a bass-turd.

In adultery there are no winners

But taking part is more important than winning

Everything was simple when we were young - it was literally childsplay.

Then we grew up, and moved on to adultery.

Confession

A man walks into a confessional and sits down,
"Father, last night I was with 3 different women at the same time."
"That's horrible," says the priest. "Are you married? Does your wife know about this adultery?"
"Married? No. Actually, I'm not even Catholic, I just had to tell someone!"

Adultery is a sin...

You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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