The Best 91 Adult Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Adult jokes. There are some adult childhood jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these adult coathanger puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Adult Jokes and Puns
I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...
Little bastards didn't stand a chance…
A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.
A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter says, Male or female ?
The customer says, Female.
The counter guy asks, Black or white?
The customer says, White.
The counter guy asks, Christian or Muslim?
The customer says, What does religion have to do with it?
The counter guy says, The Muslim one blows itself up.
I wish the book "How to be an adult" came in hard cover...
.. it would be that much more effective at bonking stupid people in the head.
Recycling Adult Toys
"One man's trash is another man's pleasure!"
William Shatner is going to sponsor a new line of women's jeans made to hide adult diapers underneath.
They're going to be called Shatner Pants.
Eating vegetables is a lot like having sex.
If you're forced to do it as a kid, you won't like it as an adult.
a man goes to confess after 25 years
So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"
But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"
How do you tell the difference between an adult film star and a psychiatrist?
Ask them to pronounce the word analyzed.
Buttsex is a lot like spinach
If you're forced to have it as a child. You'll never enjoy it as an adult.
Thank you Daniel Tosh.
I was walking down the street earlier and saw two kids fighting
As an adult I had to step in.
They didn't stand a chance.
My dad never really loved me as a child
I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.
You can explore adult child reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean adult mature dad jokes. There are also adult puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I'm a responsible adult
Last night I had a salad for dinner. It was a fruit salad and had grapes. Lots of grapes. It was all grapes. It was wine
I finally got hired at the local adult store
First day on the job I got a raise!
I say two kids fighting the other day, and as a mature and responsible adult, I had to step in.
They didn't stand a chance.
Today I saw two little kids fighting. As the only adult nearby, I had to step in.
Those kids didn't stand a chance.
Adultery
n old man went into confession and told the priest: Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice.
I see, said the priest. When was the last time you were in confession?
Never,Father , replied the old man. I'm Jewish
So why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!
A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer
He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"
She: "I will do that right away, officer."
The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.
He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"
She: "That was yesterday. Today we are going to the beach."
Did you know humans are born with four kidneys?
Two of them grow into adult knees.
I'm only 19 and my eyesight is constantly getting worse.
When do I get Adult Supervision?
Little Johnny skipped school one day...
and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit Little Johnny's parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home. When he saw the teacher coming he said "Johnny! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren't here. "No," Little Johnny replied "you go hide. I told the teacher that I went to your funeral."
The difference between being naughty and being kinky
Is whether you by your gear at an adult shop or home depot
Just saw two elementary school kids in a fistfight...
So as an adult, I had to step in.
They didn't stand a chance.
I lost my kidneys when I turned 18
My knees are 100% adult now!
What is an adulterers favorite snack?
Cheetos.
So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...
when do I get my adult supervision?
I'm 22 years old now and my eyesight is worsening,...
...at what point do I get adult supervision?
I saw two kids fighting on the play ground.
As the only adult there I had to step in. They never had a chance.
There are three things that I absolutely hated when I was 5 that I love now that I'm an adult.
Green vegetables, reading and rough sex.
My daughter's got an interview for a job working in the adult entertainment industry today…
I hope she blows it…
What separates a sexually active adult male from a 10 year old?
A half a millimetre of latex.
How do you know you are a real adult?
Your back goes out more than you do.
What do you call an adult with an imaginary friend?
Religious
A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.
Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."
Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."
Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."
Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."
What's the worst type of tree to give as a wedding gift?
An adult tree
As a child I was told that when I grew up I wouldn't need adult supervision.
It must be the case because my eyesight is getting worse.
adults make better fighters than infants
yet more battles are won by infantry than adultery
Who would win in a fight, Ling Xiaoyu or Anakin Skywalker?
Depends on how old Ling is, if Ling were an adult she would destroy Anakin, but Anakin would kill a young Ling.
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first chemist, who had a major disagreement with the second and knows the second chemist only drink water, says to the bartender, "I'll take some H2O."
The second chemist automatically responds, "I'll take some H2O too."
The bartender shrugs then turns around and promptly gives the first chemist his glass of water, and the second chemist a glass of water too... because the bartender is an adult and can infer meaning from contextual clues.
I didn't know that when I became an adult everyone would make FRIENDS references...
No one ever told me life was gonna be this way.
adult jokes
Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"
I made a lot of stupid mistakes as a kid.
Now that I'm an adult, I'm making far more advanced and complex mistakes.
little Sally--funny adult joke
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.
I hate when people say "act like an adult"
Have you seen adults lately?
I'm an adult who likes puns...
I guess you could say I'm a groan-up.
A child with an imaginary friend is normal
An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,
And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.
What happens to your eyesight when you have kids?
You get adult super vision
My high school guidance counselor told me I'd never become anything as an adult.
Jokes on her. I became miserable!
What do you call a kid with an imaginary friend?
Creative.
What do you call an adult with an imaginary friend?
Crazy.
What do you call an adult with an imaginary friend who lives in the sky?
Religious.
NSFW My buddy asked me if I ever had a girl lose a tooth while giving me head?
Of course, but she had most of her adult teeth so does it still count
As much emphasis as was put on teaching me stop, drop, and roll as a child...
I thought that, as an adult, catching on fire would be a much bigger problem than it seems to be.
Adults used to tell me that if I went into the inner city, I could get robbed by a drug dealer...
I finally understand now, $5 for a cup of coffee is ridiculous
I had two kidneys growing up..
Now I've got two adult knees
I'm almost 21 and my eyesight is getting worse,
when will I get my adult supervision?
The Phantom Menace is 18 years old this year!
Finally, it can be tried as an adult.
25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....
Because that means 75% are running around untreated.
Ever since I started to wear adult diapers
I've been a changed man.
I got drunk last night wnd decided to be a responsible adult and take a bus home.
It was awesome, never drove a bus drunk before.
Now that I'm an adult, there are things I can appreciate a whole lot more than when I was a child...
Things like wearing diapers and spankings...
Dirty joke, clean joke, adult joke
Timmy played in the mud. That's the dirty part.
So Timmy took a bath with bubbles. That's the clean part.
Bubbles is the girl next door.
What's an adult actress' favourite drink?
7-Up in Cider.
I once killed an adult male Grizzly bear on a ski trip in Alaska with a small serrated knife.
I had no idea grizzlies could ski or where the bear got the knife.
I used to have two kidneys
Now I have two adult knees
Why is a baby chicken less expensive than an adult one?
Because it's a little cheeper.
Pornhub has managed to take over the adult video industry...
And they've done it single-handedly!
So a guy walks into an adult club for people who like to pee on each other...
The manager comes up to him and says "So why are you here? Do you want to join us?".
The man says "Well, I like being peed on, so yes I'd like to join".
The manager looks him dead in the eye and says "You're in".
Did you know that only 1 in 4 US Adults with children have a Will?
The rest gave them some other names, I assume.
It must be scary dating an adult film star
So many jealous step brothers
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
So when someone turns 18...
Do all of their minor inconveniences turn into adult inconveniences?
Three sheep in trench coat want to see a movie
One adult ticket please the sheep says
I can tell you're three sheep in a trench coat the salesman says
Really?
Yes! One, two, zzz
Here's a classic jewish joke.
A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, You didn't like the other tie?
As a soldier running through the forest you don't need to be concerned about running into an adult tree..
It's the infantree that's deadly!
I went to an adult website and searched for good Christian content.
Turns out it was all missionaries.
Being an adult is
basically trying to avoid people who have seen you naked, while trying to find new people to see you naked.
TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.
When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.
I'm beginning to think adult supervision is a myth
In fact, my vision just seems to be getting worse.
Children are born with 4 kidneys.
Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.
Two adult trees fell on top of my house and made a big mess
It's the first time my house ever got a treesome
Elsa from Frozen is now an adult film actress starring in
Let it grow
My wife and I had a huge argument today. By the time we were finished, she was on her knees begging...
for me to come out from under the bed and act like an adult.
Where do you set your drinks when you have covid?
A coughey table.
My 3 year old just told me this. Jk, my adult brain made this dumb joke, hope it's not a repost.
Have you heard of the ancient Amazonian tribe known as the Fugawi?
The average height of each adult was about 4ft, and they lived in an area with tall grass that would reach up to 6ft. They were know for jumping up and down in the grass fields announcing "We're the Fugawi! We're the Fugawi!"
Seriously, I think the only difference between us is that you're an adult.
I kid you not.
I began wearing adult diapers for 2 reasons:
Reason #1 and #2.
What do you call an adult female chicken that likes to draft blueprints?
A Hen-gineer
Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.
"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"
"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."
A young adult named Bob enters a confessional
Bob: Forgive me father, for I have sined.
Priest: It's pronounced 'sinned', but that's unimportant, what have you done?
Bob: I divided the opposite side by the Hypotenuse on a right triangle
A guy walks into an adult toy store.
He walks up to the clerk and says, I'd like to buy a blow up doll." The clerk asks, "Male or female?" "Female." "Black or white" "White." "Christian or Muslim?" Curious, the guy says, "Muslim." "Regular or radicalized extremist?" The clerk asks. "What's the difference?" the guy says. "The radicalized extremist blows itself up."
I asked my Dad what being an adult was like.
He told me, "A dull ting."
I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure…
So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.
The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
(Possibly offensive joke?)
Not a single adult gets my school shooter jokes. I guess they're aimed at kids.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the adult dildo jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working adult adolescent piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.