Happy Adult Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...
Little bastards didn't stand a chance…
A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.
A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter says, Male or female ?
The customer says, Female.
The counter guy asks, Black or white?
The customer says, White.
The counter guy asks, Christian or Muslim?
The customer says, What does religion have to do with it?
The counter guy says, The Muslim one blows itself up.
I wish the book "How to be an adult" came in hard cover...
.. it would be that much more effective at bonking stupid people in the head.
Recycling Adult Toys
"One man's trash is another man's pleasure!"
William Shatner is going to sponsor a new line of women's jeans made to hide adult diapers underneath.
They're going to be called Shatner Pants.
Eating vegetables is a lot like having sex.
If you're forced to do it as a kid, you won't like it as an adult.
a man goes to confess after 25 years
So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"
But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"
How do you tell the difference between an adult film star and a psychiatrist?
Ask them to pronounce the word analyzed.
Buttsex is a lot like spinach
If you're forced to have it as a child. You'll never enjoy it as an adult.
Thank you Daniel Tosh.
I was walking down the street earlier and saw two kids fighting
As an adult I had to step in.
They didn't stand a chance.
My dad never really loved me as a child
I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.
You can explore adult adult only reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean adult grownup dad jokes. There are also adult puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I'm a responsible adult
Last night I had a salad for dinner. It was a fruit salad and had grapes. Lots of grapes. It was all grapes. It was wine
I finally got hired at the local adult store
First day on the job I got a raise!
I say two kids fighting the other day, and as a mature and responsible adult, I had to step in.
They didn't stand a chance.
Today I saw two little kids fighting. As the only adult nearby, I had to step in.
Those kids didn't stand a chance.
Adultery
n old man went into confession and told the priest: Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice.
I see, said the priest. When was the last time you were in confession?
Never,Father , replied the old man. I'm Jewish
So why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!
A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer
He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"
She: "I will do that right away, officer."
The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.
He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"
She: "That was yesterday. Today we are going to the beach."
Did you know humans are born with four kidneys?
Two of them grow into adult knees.
I'm only 19 and my eyesight is constantly getting worse.
When do I get Adult Supervision?
Little Johnny skipped school one day...
and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit Little Johnny's parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home. When he saw the teacher coming he said "Johnny! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren't here. "No," Little Johnny replied "you go hide. I told the teacher that I went to your funeral."
The difference between being naughty and being kinky
Is whether you by your gear at an adult shop or home depot
Just saw two elementary school kids in a fistfight...
So as an adult, I had to step in.
They didn't stand a chance.
I lost my kidneys when I turned 18
My knees are 100% adult now!
So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...
when do I get my adult supervision?
I'm 22 years old now and my eyesight is worsening,...
...at what point do I get adult supervision?
I saw two kids fighting on the play ground.
As the only adult there I had to step in. They never had a chance.
There are three things that I absolutely hated when I was 5 that I love now that I'm an adult.
Green vegetables, reading and rough sex.
My daughter's got an interview for a job working in the adult entertainment industry today…
I hope she blows it…
How do you know you are a real adult?
Your back goes out more than you do.
What do you call an adult with an imaginary friend?
Religious
A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.
Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."
Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."
Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."
Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."
What's the worst type of tree to give as a wedding gift?
An adult tree
adults make better fighters than infants
yet more battles are won by infantry than adultery
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first chemist, who had a major disagreement with the second and knows the second chemist only drink water, says to the bartender, "I'll take some H2O."
The second chemist automatically responds, "I'll take some H2O too."
The bartender shrugs then turns around and promptly gives the first chemist his glass of water, and the second chemist a glass of water too... because the bartender is an adult and can infer meaning from contextual clues.
I didn't know that when I became an adult everyone would make FRIENDS references...
No one ever told me life was gonna be this way.
I made a lot of stupid mistakes as a kid.
Now that I'm an adult, I'm making far more advanced and complex mistakes.
little Sally--funny adult joke
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.
I hate when people say "act like an adult"
Have you seen adults lately?
I'm an adult who likes puns...
I guess you could say I'm a groan-up.
A child with an imaginary friend is normal
An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,
And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.
What happens to your eyesight when you have kids?
You get adult super vision
My high school guidance counselor told me I'd never become anything as an adult.
Jokes on her. I became miserable!
What do you call a kid with an imaginary friend?
Creative.
What do you call an adult with an imaginary friend?
Crazy.
What do you call an adult with an imaginary friend who lives in the sky?
Religious.
I'm almost 21 and my eyesight is getting worse,
when will I get my adult supervision?
The Phantom Menace is 18 years old this year!
Finally, it can be tried as an adult.
25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....
Because that means 75% are running around untreated.
I got drunk last night wnd decided to be a responsible adult and take a bus home.
It was awesome, never drove a bus drunk before.
Now that I'm an adult, there are things I can appreciate a whole lot more than when I was a child...
Things like wearing diapers and spankings...
Dirty joke, clean joke, adult joke
Timmy played in the mud. That's the dirty part.
So Timmy took a bath with bubbles. That's the clean part.
Bubbles is the girl next door.
What's an adult actress' favourite drink?
7-Up in Cider.
I once killed an adult male Grizzly bear on a ski trip in Alaska with a small serrated knife.
I had no idea grizzlies could ski or where the bear got the knife.
I used to have two kidneys
Now I have two adult knees
Why is a baby chicken less expensive than an adult one?
Because it's a little cheeper.
It must be scary dating an adult film star
So many jealous step brothers
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
So when someone turns 18...
Do all of their minor inconveniences turn into adult inconveniences?
Here's a classic jewish joke.
A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, You didn't like the other tie?
As a soldier running through the forest you don't need to be concerned about running into an adult tree..
It's the infantree that's deadly!
I went to an adult website and searched for good Christian content.
Turns out it was all missionaries.
Being an adult is
basically trying to avoid people who have seen you naked, while trying to find new people to see you naked.
TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.
When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.
I'm beginning to think adult supervision is a myth
In fact, my vision just seems to be getting worse.
Children are born with 4 kidneys.
Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.
Two adult trees fell on top of my house and made a big mess
It's the first time my house ever got a treesome
Elsa from Frozen is now an adult film actress starring in
Let it grow
My wife and I had a huge argument today. By the time we were finished, she was on her knees begging...
for me to come out from under the bed and act like an adult.
Seriously, I think the only difference between us is that you're an adult.
I kid you not.
Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.
"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"
"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."
A young adult named Bob enters a confessional
Bob: Forgive me father, for I have sined.
Priest: It's pronounced 'sinned', but that's unimportant, what have you done?
Bob: I divided the opposite side by the Hypotenuse on a right triangle
I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure…
So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.
The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
(Possibly offensive joke?)
Not a single adult gets my school shooter jokes. I guess they're aimed at kids.
Young adult novel
I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure…
So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.
The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
Good news! Now that OnlyFans is getting rid of adult content
Your local restaurants will be able to hire servers again.
Babies are born with 4 kidneys.
When they grow up, 2 of them turn into adult knees.
People never talk about Jesus's greatest miracle.
Having more than one friend as an adult.
I only learned recently that children are born with four kidneys, and later on when they grow up..
..two of them turn into adult knees.
I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure...
So I took a trip to the library to see if they
had a copy.
The librarian said that my description rang a
bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
I'm not adulting today.
I'm kidding.
A new law
Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week," one of the guys answers the bartender. "Well it's not a law really," the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate."
OnlyFans launched a new step sibling content adult website...
They call it OnlyFams!
What's the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
You wished you were an adult.
What do you call a person without kidneys?
An adult
My daughter said she needed adult supervision
I told her she'd have to find someone else because I wear corrective lenses
A lesbian couple asked me to help them conceive a baby
So I told them, "Well, imagine an adult, but smaller, mostly hairless, and it shits itself a lot."
Did you know everyone is born with 4 kidneys?
As you grow up two of them turn into adult knees.
How do you make friends as an adult?
I'm asking for a friend.
The bands Def Leppard and Blind Melon did a collaboration.
They called the song Helen Keller .
Courtesy of my adult daughter onto which my 'dad humor' has clearly rubbed off!!
The Polish are so stupid...
...their adult literacy rate is 98.74%, far below the European average of 99.13% and only 19.74 percentage points ahead of America.
When you are born you actually have 4 kidneys.
But as you get older, two of them turn into adult knees
Adultery
There were three guys that died and went to heaven.
The first went up and then God said, "You have committed adultery so you shall own a bike."
The second guy comes up and God says, "You have almost committed adultery so you shall own a motorcycle."
The third guy goes up and then God says, "You have only thought about adultery so you shall get a Porsche!"
The first guy comes up to the man in the Porsche and starts Laughing and the man in the Porsche asks, "Why are you laughing? You only got a bike!"
The guy on the bike says, "I just saw your wife on a skateboard!"
I recently heard about a young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross country adventure…
So, I headed down to the library with my daughter to see if they had a copy.
The librarian said the description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not..
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Just bought a new car, I named her Sally," he tells the bartender. "You're an adult now, you really shouldn't anthropomorphize things," the bartender says. "Why not?" the guys asks. "Because they don't like it," the bartender replies.
