Little bastards didn't stand a chance…
when do I get my adult supervision?
An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,
And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.
So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"
But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"
If you were forced to have it as a child you're gonna hate it as an adult.
I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.
Finally, it can be tried as an adult.
If you have a bad experience with it as a child you probably won't enjoy it as an adult.
He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"
She: "I will do that right away, officer."
The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.
He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"
She: "That was yesterday. Today we are going to the beach."
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't like it as an adult.
So as an adult, I had to step in.
They didn't stand a chance.
They did not stand a chance.
Now I have two adult knees
No one ever told me life was gonna be this way.
Now that I'm an adult, I'm making far more advanced and complex mistakes.
The first chemist, who had a major disagreement with the second and knows the second chemist only drink water, says to the bartender, "I'll take some H2O."
The second chemist automatically responds, "I'll take some H2O too."
The bartender shrugs then turns around and promptly gives the first chemist his glass of water, and the second chemist a glass of water too... because the bartender is an adult and can infer meaning from contextual clues.
when will I get my adult supervision?
Two of them grow into adult knees.
Because that means 75% are running around untreated.
They're going to be called Shatner Pants.
You get adult super vision
and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit Little Johnny's parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home. When he saw the teacher coming he said "Johnny! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren't here. "No," Little Johnny replied "you go hide. I told the teacher that I went to your funeral."
Jokes on her. I became miserable!
...at what point do I get adult supervision?
An adult tree
If you're forced to have it as a child. You'll never enjoy it as an adult.
Thank you Daniel Tosh.
They didn't stand a chance
Have you seen adults lately?
First day on the job I got a raise!
When do I get Adult Supervision?
Those kids didn't stand a chance.
A boy is told by a classmate that every adult has at least one big secret and that it is easy to blackmail them by saying: I know the whole truth.
When the boy comes home he decides to test this, so he goes to his mother and says: I know the whole truth.
The mother gives him $20 and says: Take this and go just don't tell your father anything.
Next, the boy goes to his father and says: I know the whole truth.
The father gives his son $40 and says: Take this and go just don't tell your mother anything.
The next day on the way to school the boy sees the mailman and says to him: I know the whole truth.
The mailman responds: Then come give your daddy a big hug!
Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:
"What is your name?" he asked.
"George," the guy answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke," he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"George," the guy answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke," he answered.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; George," he said.
"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."
A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter says, Male or female ?
The customer says, Female.
The counter guy asks, Black or white?
The customer says, White.
The counter guy asks, Christian or Muslim?
The customer says, What does religion have to do with it?
The counter guy says, The Muslim one blows itself up.
As the only adult there I had to step in. They never had a chance.
Religious
Because it's a little cheeper.
As an adult I went to see a therapist.
"Doc I got issues, man I know it's ridiculous but I think there's a monster under my bed"
"Well young man, you have come to right place give me three months and you'll be right as new"
"What will it cost me doc?"
"Well we will have two session every week for 3 months, and every session will be 50 dollar"
"Phew that's a lot doc, I gotta sleep on that"
"Sure, whatever makes you comfortable"
Six months later I ran into that therapist again and he goes.
"Oh you never came back, how's your ailment"
"Oh it's fine, my japanese friend helped me out for free"
"Oh really what did he do?"
"Well he cut off bed's legs"
If you're forced to do it as a kid, you won't like it as an adult.
7-Up in Cider.
My knees are 100% adult now!
and they each decided to start bragging about their adult sons.
The first man says: "I'm so proud of my son, he is a very successful car salesman that owns his own lot, and gave one of his friends a brand new Porsche."
The second man says: "That's impressive, but my son is a successful real estate owner, and gave one of his friends a house on a private beach."
The third man sighs, and says to the other two: "Wow that's very impressive. I hate to say it, but at first I was very disappointed with my son because he came out as gay. Recently, he has made some very good boyfriends though: one gave him a brand new Porsche, and the other gave him a house with a private beach!"
They didn't stand a chance.
Little Timmy was awakened from a sound sleep to a bright flash and a strange capsule like object in his bedroom. As Timmy cowered with his sheet pulled up to his chin, a door opened and out stepped a man who was the adult version of Timmy. In a soothing voice he told Timmy that he was his future self who came back in time to see him. Little Timmy brightened up and with a smile asked what he was going to be when he grew up. Future Timmy locked the bedroom door, turned, smiled at Timmy and said, a pedophile Timmy, a pedophile.
Last night I had a salad for dinner. It was a fruit salad and had grapes. Lots of grapes. It was all grapes. It was wine
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.
"One man's trash is another man's pleasure!"
.. it would be that much more effective at bonking stupid people in the head.
It was awesome, never drove a bus drunk before.
Things like wearing diapers and spankings...
A father gave his son a robot. "The robot is always able to tell if you're speaking the truth. If you lie, the robot will slap you."
One night the son comes home really late. The dad asks, "Where were you?"
"At the library." Bam! The son gets slapped.
"Where were you really?"
"At the movies."
"What movie were you watching?"
"Ten commandments." Bam! He gets slapped again.
"What movie were you really watching?"
The son gets on his knees. "I'm sorry dad, I was watching an adult movie."
The dad gets angry. "When I was a kid, I never did that kind of stuff!" Bam! The dad gets slapped.
The mom walks in. "You two are so a like there's no doubt you're father and son." Bam! She gets slapped.
Creative.
What do you call an adult with an imaginary friend?
Crazy.
What do you call an adult with an imaginary friend who lives in the sky?
Religious.
Is whether you by your gear at an adult shop or home depot
Ask them to pronounce the word analyzed.
I guess you could say I'm a groan-up.
I hope she blows it…
Green vegetables, reading and rough sex.
Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."
Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."
Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."
Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."
Your back goes out more than you do.
yet more battles are won by infantry than adultery
I had no idea grizzlies could ski or where the bear got the knife.
A blonde decides to do something she"s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back.
After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment there"s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says "I just rented an adult movie from you and there"s nothing on the tape, but static"
The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "which title did you rent?"
The blonde replied, "it"s called Head Cleaner."
Timmy played in the mud. That's the dirty part.
So Timmy took a bath with bubbles. That's the clean part.
Bubbles is the girl next door.
And tells him he that every time he and his wife become intimate, it refuses service. And that he just can't get it up.
The doctor advises him to use his imagination more, watch adult material and/or use adult toys to spice things up a bit.
After a couple of days the man calls his doctor and tells him the problem still exists.
So the doctor invited the man and his wife to stop by his office for a talk.
When they arrive he asks the man a couple of questions about their sex-life.
He then asks the wife to undress and and watches her pose in various positions before he asks her to get dressed again.
Then the doctor says to the man: " It's not you, with a wife looking like that, I can't get it up either."
And they've done it single-handedly!
I finally understand now, $5 for a cup of coffee is ridiculous
Depends on how old Ling is, if Ling were an adult she would destroy Anakin, but Anakin would kill a young Ling.
Of course, but she had most of her adult teeth so does it still count
The manager comes up to him and says "So why are you here? Do you want to join us?".
The man says "Well, I like being peed on, so yes I'd like to join".
The manager looks him dead in the eye and says "You're in".
Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"
A half a millimetre of latex.
Cheetos.
It must be the case because my eyesight is getting worse.
Now I've got two adult knees
I thought that, as an adult, catching on fire would be a much bigger problem than it seems to be.
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
As an adult I had to step in.
They didn't stand a chance.
I've been a changed man.
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
On the one hand, I feel young enough to want to build pillow forts, but on the other hand, I'm a grown up now, with my own adult responsibilities and apartment, so I don't have access to my parents' awesome sofa cushions.
n old man went into confession and told the priest: Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice.
I see, said the priest. When was the last time you were in confession?
Never,Father , replied the old man. I'm Jewish
So why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!
A communist
But probably less than 10 seconds in a fight against her.
And then getting hit by an airplane.
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
He's changing his name to Adult Contemporary
They can't lego of their childhood.
Tell some more Lego puns, here!
So I went to Ikea and got another one.
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