adult Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious adult puns

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn't stand a chance…

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Anal sex is a lot like Brussels sprouts

If you're forced to have it as a child you won't enjoy it as an adult.


-Daniel Tosh

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A girls walks into an Adult Store. "Hi I want to buy that Red Dildo right there"

Cashier: that's a Fire Extinguisher you whore"

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So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...

when do I get my adult supervision?

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Little Jimmy in the car.

Little Jimmy is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway.
A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys.
All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.
"What was that mummy" says Jimmy,
"Oh... it was a fly" replies the mother, slightly embarrased,
"Jesus!" says Jimmy, "Did you see the size of the cock on him!"

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What do broccoli and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to try it as a kid, you probably don't like it as an adult.

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A child with an imaginary friend is normal

An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,

And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.

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Anal sex is like broccoli

If you're forced to have it as a kid, yo won't enjoy it as an adult.

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a man goes to confess after 25 years

So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"

But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"

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What do broccoli and sex have in common? NSFW

If you were forced to have it as a child you're gonna hate it as an adult.

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My dad never really loved me as a child

I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.

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The Phantom Menace is 18 years old this year!

Finally, it can be tried as an adult.

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How is broccoli like buttsex?

If you have a bad experience with it as a child you probably won't enjoy it as an adult.

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Sex doll

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'
Customer says , 'Female.'
Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?
Customer says , 'White.'
Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

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A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer

He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"

She: "I will do that right away, officer."

The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.

He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"

She: "That was yesterday. Today we are going to the beach."

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Anal sex is like spinach

If your forced to have it as a kid, you won't enjoy it as a adult.

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Anal sex is a lot like broccoli

If you're forced to have it as a child, you're probably not going to enjoy it as an adult.

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P.S - im a muslim

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, Male or female?

The customer says, Female

The counter guy asks, Black or white?

The customer says, White

The counter guy asks, Christian or Muslim?

The customer says, What the hell does religion have to do with it?

The counter guy says, The Muslim one blows itself up!

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A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"The customer says, "Female"The counter guy asks, "Black or white?"The customer says, "White"The counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"The customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"The counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

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Sex is like Broccoli

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't like it as an adult.

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Just saw two elementary school kids in a fistfight...

So as an adult, I had to step in.

They didn't stand a chance.

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What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

You'll hate it as an adult if you were forced to have it as a kid.

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Going to the toy store with your mother as a child is normal.

Going to the toy store with your mother as an adult is weird.

I don't get it though.

I'm an adult.

She's an adult.

The sign says 'Adult Toy Store'

Fucking double standards.

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What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you're forced to have it as a child, you're not going to like it as an adult.

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I saw two kids fighting in the elementary school playground this morning. Being the only adult around, I had to step in.

They did not stand a chance.

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I used to have two kidneys

Now I have two adult knees

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Isn't it weird that phrases mean something totally different as an adult than when you were a kid?

Like, "It's time for a spanking." "You've been a bad girl." Or "Come over here and suck daddy's dick."

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I didn't know that when I became an adult everyone would make FRIENDS references...

No one ever told me life was gonna be this way.

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I made a lot of stupid mistakes as a kid.

Now that I'm an adult, I'm making far more advanced and complex mistakes.

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Spinach is like anal sex

If you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult - Daniel Tosh

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A father takes his son to the doctor...

After a brief wait, the concerned father brings his son into the examination room, pulls down his pants, points at the kids wiener, and exclaims "DOCTOR!!! IS IT NORMAL FOR A 3 YEAR OLD TO HAVE A FULLY DEVELOPED ADULT SIZED PENIS?!?!?"

The doctor looks down at it and says "It's only an inch and a half!

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Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist, who had a major disagreement with the second and knows the second chemist only drink water, says to the bartender, "I'll take some H2O."

The second chemist automatically responds, "I'll take some H2O too."

The bartender shrugs then turns around and promptly gives the first chemist his glass of water, and the second chemist a glass of water too... because the bartender is an adult and can infer meaning from contextual clues.

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I'm almost 21 and my eyesight is getting worse,

when will I get my adult supervision?

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Did you know humans are born with four kidneys?

Two of them grow into adult knees.

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25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

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What are the most funny Adult jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Adult? Well, here are the best Adult dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Adult pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes