Adult Jokes

Following is our collection of child humor and childhood one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Adult puns for adults, dirty mature jokes or clean coathanger gags for kids.

There is an abundance of dildo jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 89 funniest jokes on adult. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any adolescent witze you can hear about adult.

The Best jokes about Adult

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn't stand a chance…

So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...

when do I get my adult supervision?

A child with an imaginary friend is normal

An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,

And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.

a man goes to confess after 25 years

So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"

But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"

What do broccoli and sex have in common? NSFW

If you were forced to have it as a child you're gonna hate it as an adult.


My dad never really loved me as a child

I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.

The Phantom Menace is 18 years old this year!

Finally, it can be tried as an adult.

How is broccoli like buttsex?

If you have a bad experience with it as a child you probably won't enjoy it as an adult.

A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer

He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"

She: "I will do that right away, officer."

The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.

He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"

She: "That was yesterday. Today we are going to the beach."

Just saw two elementary school kids in a fistfight...

So as an adult, I had to step in.

They didn't stand a chance.

I used to have two kidneys

Now I have two adult knees


Here's a classic jewish joke.

A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, You didn't like the other tie?

I didn't know that when I became an adult everyone would make FRIENDS references...

No one ever told me life was gonna be this way.

I made a lot of stupid mistakes as a kid.

Now that I'm an adult, I'm making far more advanced and complex mistakes.

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist, who had a major disagreement with the second and knows the second chemist only drink water, says to the bartender, "I'll take some H2O."

The second chemist automatically responds, "I'll take some H2O too."

The bartender shrugs then turns around and promptly gives the first chemist his glass of water, and the second chemist a glass of water too... because the bartender is an adult and can infer meaning from contextual clues.

I'm almost 21 and my eyesight is getting worse,

when will I get my adult supervision?

Did you know humans are born with four kidneys?

Two of them grow into adult knees.

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.


William Shatner is going to sponsor a new line of women's jeans made to hide adult diapers underneath.

They're going to be called Shatner Pants.

What happens to your eyesight when you have kids?

You get adult super vision

Little Johnny skipped school one day...

and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit Little Johnny's parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home. When he saw the teacher coming he said "Johnny! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren't here. "No," Little Johnny replied "you go hide. I told the teacher that I went to your funeral."

My high school guidance counselor told me I'd never become anything as an adult.

Jokes on her. I became miserable!

I'm 22 years old now and my eyesight is worsening,...

...at what point do I get adult supervision?

What's the worst type of tree to give as a wedding gift?

An adult tree

Buttsex is a lot like spinach

If you're forced to have it as a child. You'll never enjoy it as an adult.

Thank you Daniel Tosh.

I hate when people say "act like an adult"

Have you seen adults lately?

I finally got hired at the local adult store

First day on the job I got a raise!

I'm only 19 and my eyesight is constantly getting worse.

When do I get Adult Supervision?

Today I saw two little kids fighting. As the only adult nearby, I had to step in.

Those kids didn't stand a chance.

As a soldier running through the forest you don't need to be concerned about running into an adult tree..

It's the infantree that's deadly!

Adult book store

Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:
"What is your name?" he asked.
"George," the guy answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke," he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"George," the guy answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke," he answered.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; George," he said.
"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."

A boy is told by a classmate that every adult has at least one big secret

A boy is told by a classmate that every adult has at least one big secret and that it is easy to blackmail them by saying: I know the whole truth.

When the boy comes home he decides to test this, so he goes to his mother and says: I know the whole truth.
The mother gives him $20 and says: Take this and go just don't tell your father anything.

Next, the boy goes to his father and says: I know the whole truth.
The father gives his son $40 and says: Take this and go just don't tell your mother anything.

The next day on the way to school the boy sees the mailman and says to him: I know the whole truth.
The mailman responds: Then come give your daddy a big hug!

A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.

A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, Male or female ?

The customer says, Female.

The counter guy asks, Black or white?

The customer says, White.

The counter guy asks, Christian or Muslim?

The customer says, What does religion have to do with it?

The counter guy says, The Muslim one blows itself up.

I saw two kids fighting on the play ground.

As the only adult there I had to step in. They never had a chance.

What do you call an adult with an imaginary friend?

Religious

Why is a baby chicken less expensive than an adult one?

Because it's a little cheeper.

As a child I was told there's a monster under my bed.

As an adult I went to see a therapist.

"Doc I got issues, man I know it's ridiculous but I think there's a monster under my bed"

"Well young man, you have come to right place give me three months and you'll be right as new"

"What will it cost me doc?"

"Well we will have two session every week for 3 months, and every session will be 50 dollar"

"Phew that's a lot doc, I gotta sleep on that"

"Sure, whatever makes you comfortable"

Six months later I ran into that therapist again and he goes.

"Oh you never came back, how's your ailment"

"Oh it's fine, my japanese friend helped me out for free"

"Oh really what did he do?"

"Well he cut off bed's legs"

Eating vegetables is a lot like having sex.

If you're forced to do it as a kid, you won't like it as an adult.

TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.

When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

What's an adult actress' favourite drink?

7-Up in Cider.

I lost my kidneys when I turned 18

My knees are 100% adult now!

There were three old men playing golf...

and they each decided to start bragging about their adult sons.

The first man says: "I'm so proud of my son, he is a very successful car salesman that owns his own lot, and gave one of his friends a brand new Porsche."

The second man says: "That's impressive, but my son is a successful real estate owner, and gave one of his friends a house on a private beach."

The third man sighs, and says to the other two: "Wow that's very impressive. I hate to say it, but at first I was very disappointed with my son because he came out as gay. Recently, he has made some very good boyfriends though: one gave him a brand new Porsche, and the other gave him a house with a private beach!"

I say two kids fighting the other day, and as a mature and responsible adult, I had to step in.

They didn't stand a chance.

Timmy meets his future self...

Little Timmy was awakened from a sound sleep to a bright flash and a strange capsule like object in his bedroom. As Timmy cowered with his sheet pulled up to his chin, a door opened and out stepped a man who was the adult version of Timmy. In a soothing voice he told Timmy that he was his future self who came back in time to see him. Little Timmy brightened up and with a smile asked what he was going to be when he grew up. Future Timmy locked the bedroom door, turned, smiled at Timmy and said, a pedophile Timmy, a pedophile.

I'm a responsible adult

Last night I had a salad for dinner. It was a fruit salad and had grapes. Lots of grapes. It was all grapes. It was wine

I went to an adult website and searched for good Christian content.

Turns out it was all missionaries.

little Sally--funny adult joke

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

Recycling Adult Toys

"One man's trash is another man's pleasure!"

I'm beginning to think adult supervision is a myth

In fact, my vision just seems to be getting worse.

I got drunk last night wnd decided to be a responsible adult and take a bus home.

It was awesome, never drove a bus drunk before.

I wish the book "How to be an adult" came in hard cover...

.. it would be that much more effective at bonking stupid people in the head.

So when someone turns 18...

Do all of their minor inconveniences turn into adult inconveniences?

Now that I'm an adult, there are things I can appreciate a whole lot more than when I was a child...

Things like wearing diapers and spankings...

Truth Assessing Robot

A father gave his son a robot. "The robot is always able to tell if you're speaking the truth. If you lie, the robot will slap you."

One night the son comes home really late. The dad asks, "Where were you?"

"At the library." Bam! The son gets slapped.

"Where were you really?"

"At the movies."

"What movie were you watching?"

"Ten commandments." Bam! He gets slapped again.

"What movie were you really watching?"

The son gets on his knees. "I'm sorry dad, I was watching an adult movie."

The dad gets angry. "When I was a kid, I never did that kind of stuff!" Bam! The dad gets slapped.

The mom walks in. "You two are so a like there's no doubt you're father and son." Bam! She gets slapped.

How do you tell the difference between an adult film star and a psychiatrist?

Ask them to pronounce the word analyzed.

My daughter's got an interview for a job working in the adult entertainment industry today…

I hope she blows it…

I'm an adult who likes puns...

I guess you could say I'm a groan-up.

The difference between being naughty and being kinky

Is whether you by your gear at an adult shop or home depot

What do you call a kid with an imaginary friend?

Creative.

What do you call an adult with an imaginary friend?
Crazy.

What do you call an adult with an imaginary friend who lives in the sky?
Religious.

There are three things that I absolutely hated when I was 5 that I love now that I'm an adult.

Green vegetables, reading and rough sex.

Being an adult is

basically trying to avoid people who have seen you naked, while trying to find new people to see you naked.

It must be scary dating an adult film star

So many jealous step brothers

A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

adults make better fighters than infants

yet more battles are won by infantry than adultery

How do you know you are a real adult?

Your back goes out more than you do.

Renting a dirty video

A blonde decides to do something she"s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back.

After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment there"s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says "I just rented an adult movie from you and there"s nothing on the tape, but static"

The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "which title did you rent?"

The blonde replied, "it"s called Head Cleaner."

Dirty joke, clean joke, adult joke

Timmy played in the mud. That's the dirty part.
So Timmy took a bath with bubbles. That's the clean part.
Bubbles is the girl next door.

I once killed an adult male Grizzly bear on a ski trip in Alaska with a small serrated knife.

I had no idea grizzlies could ski or where the bear got the knife.

A man goes to the doctor

And tells him he that every time he and his wife become intimate, it refuses service. And that he just can't get it up.

The doctor advises him to use his imagination more, watch adult material and/or use adult toys to spice things up a bit.

After a couple of days the man calls his doctor and tells him the problem still exists.

So the doctor invited the man and his wife to stop by his office for a talk.
When they arrive he asks the man a couple of questions about their sex-life.

He then asks the wife to undress and and watches her pose in various positions before he asks her to get dressed again.

Then the doctor says to the man: " It's not you, with a wife looking like that, I can't get it up either."

Pornhub has managed to take over the adult video industry...

And they've done it single-handedly!

So a guy walks into an adult club for people who like to pee on each other...

The manager comes up to him and says "So why are you here? Do you want to join us?".

The man says "Well, I like being peed on, so yes I'd like to join".

The manager looks him dead in the eye and says "You're in".

NSFW My buddy asked me if I ever had a girl lose a tooth while giving me head?

Of course, but she had most of her adult teeth so does it still count

Three sheep in trench coat want to see a movie

One adult ticket please the sheep says

I can tell you're three sheep in a trench coat the salesman says

Really?

Yes! One, two, zzz

Who would win in a fight, Ling Xiaoyu or Anakin Skywalker?

Depends on how old Ling is, if Ling were an adult she would destroy Anakin, but Anakin would kill a young Ling.

Adults used to tell me that if I went into the inner city, I could get robbed by a drug dealer...

I finally understand now, $5 for a cup of coffee is ridiculous

Did you know that only 1 in 4 US Adults with children have a Will?

The rest gave them some other names, I assume.

adult jokes

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

What separates a sexually active adult male from a 10 year old?

A half a millimetre of latex.

"Most adults are hiding at least one dark secret!!!"

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

I was walking down the street earlier and saw two kids fighting

As an adult I had to step in.
They didn't stand a chance.

Ever since I started to wear adult diapers

I've been a changed man.

I had two kidneys growing up..

Now I've got two adult knees

As much emphasis as was put on teaching me stop, drop, and roll as a child...

I thought that, as an adult, catching on fire would be a much bigger problem than it seems to be.

My nickname in the adult film industry used to be Tri-Pod..

I was the best camera man they ever had

As a child I was told that when I grew up I wouldn't need adult supervision.

It must be the case because my eyesight is getting worse.

What is an adulterers favorite snack?

Cheetos.

As a large adult male I think I could probably last at least 30 seconds with Rhonda Rousey

But probably less than 10 seconds in a fight against her.

Maybe I'm too old for pillow forts.

On the one hand, I feel young enough to want to build pillow forts, but on the other hand, I'm a grown up now, with my own adult responsibilities and apartment, so I don't have access to my parents' awesome sofa cushions.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes