Admitted Hospital Jokes
30 admitted hospital jokes and hilarious admitted hospital puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about admitted hospital that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Admitted Hospital Short Jokes
Short admitted hospital jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The admitted hospital humour may include short hospital discharge jokes also.
- John Travolta was admitted to a hospital with COVID symptoms last Sunday. It was just a Saturday Night fever.
- Earlier today, a man was admitted to hospital due to 8 plastic horses found in his stomach His condition is now stable.
- A man who thinks he's a piece of luggage has been admitted to a mental hospital. Psychiatrists say he's the strangest case they've ever come across.
- Just been admitted to hospital after accidentally sitting on 2 of my son's plastic toy horses. Doctors say I'm stable.
- Hamlet gets a cough So, hamlet is admitted to a hospital for a cough.
He asks the doctors: "TB or not TB" - Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on breath mints? He had to be admitted to the Mentos hospital.
- Did you hear about the gun that was admitted to the Emergency Room at the hospital? Everyone freaked out when it was prematurely discharged
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Admitted Hospital One Liners
Which admitted hospital one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with admitted hospital? I can suggest the ones about hospital stay and hospital bed.
- Stormy Daniels was just admitted to a hospital... Her condition is stable.
- Why was snoop dogg admitted to hospital? He had blunt force trauma
Share Hilarious Admitted Hospital Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about admitted hospital you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean admit jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make admitted hospital pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... after Surgery
A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in s**....
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was admitted to the hospital with 12 toy horses up his but
Doctors have described his condition as stable
(Edit): yeah I s**... up the spelling, it's supposed to say b**...
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.
But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
A husband is admitted to the hospital...
He has fallen very ill and his future is unsure. He says to his wife, "honey, if I die, I think you should marry Hank from down the street."
"Hank?" the wife questions, "I thought you hated him?"
With his last breath the husband replies "I do"
In a Mental Hospital a journalist asked the Doctor
How do u determine whether to admit a patient or not?
Dr: Well, we first fill a BathTub & give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the Bathtub....
Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger....
Dr: NO, a normal person would pull the drain plug!
Now if you would be so kind as to proceed to bed no.39
A man receives a message from a neighbour....
Sorry sir I am using your wife...day and night... When you are not present at home...In fact , much more than you do. I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."
The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to hospital
The next day he receives another message:
"Sorry sir spelling mistake, it's not wife but wifi".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman goes to the doctor because she suspects she might have covid
She enters the office and while she was in the middle of explaining her symptoms the doctor with a blushed face calls his assistant and asks for a room to admit the woman into the hospital.
The woman surprised says "Are you sure I have covid? It's just a mild cough and I haven't been even tested yet!
To which the doctor replies "Lady I just had finished my lunch and released a huge f**... a second before you came in, if you couldn't smell that I'm not wasting a test"
A famous Hindi joke! Let's see if the translation works!
Once, Mahatma Gandhi was on a visit to the Mental Hospital. He bumped in a patient who had recovered by then
Gandhiji asked him, "So, how are you now?"
"I feel better. Tell me what's your name?"
"Mohandas Gandhi."
"I, too, was saying this before getting admitted to the hospital!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in s**...".
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doc, my husband was just admitted to the hospital with violent b**... spasms. Do you know where he is?
Doctor: ICU baby, shaking that a**....
Going to hospital
As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet."
"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I ask coyly.
"No," he said. "But it cost just as much."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old woman decided to kill herself. When she looked it up, it said "Place gun under left breast and fire."
She was later admitted to the hospital with a GSW to the knee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish woman was admitted to hospital today after having phone s**...!!!
Doctor's removed 2 iPhone's, 3 Samsung's and a Sony but no siemen was found
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man was lying on his death bed
and in his bank account had 300,000 dollars. Being a man that didn't trust wills and didn't want the government to get their hands on the money, he decides to call over his three most trusted people. He calls over his priest, his lawyer, and his doctor and gives them each 100,000 dollars. He then informs them that he wishes to be buried with his wealth and at the f**... they should each drop the 100,000 into his coffin. After the burial the priest announces that he must confess he donated some of the money to the orphanage. The doctor chimes in and says he has to admit that he bought a new MRI machine for the hospital. "I felt guilty but it will save many lives" he proclaims. The lawyer takes a step back and looks at both of them with disdain. "Shame on you for dishonoring a dying man's last wish. I'll have you know I enclosed a check for the full 100,000."
A couple who had two beautiful daughters decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant and was
happy to deliver a baby boy.
The father raced to the hospital to see his new
son, but was horrified to find an incredibly ugly
baby.
He said to his wife, "I cannot possibly be the
Father of that hideous child. Look at the two
beautiful daughters I fathered."
His wife blushed and the husband became suspicious. "Have you been with another man?" he said.
His wife admitted, "Not this time."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mildred was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl
She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army p**... and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital o**... and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just by your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army p**... and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital o**... and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army p**... and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart.
Not wanting to miss the vital o**... and become a burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
A journalist visits a mental hospital
A journalist visits a mental hospital for reporting and asks the doctor, how do you determine if a patient is mentally ill.
DOCTOR: Well, we first fill a bathtub with water till the top. We then give a teaspoon, a glass cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub.
JOURNALIST: Obviously a normal person would use the BUCKET because it's bigger.
DOCTOR: No, you're silly! A normal person would pull the DRAIN PLUG! Nurse, admit this in Ward 7!!!