The Best 30 Admitted Hospital Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Admitted Hospital jokes. There are some admitted hospital jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these admitted hospital puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Admitted Hospital Jokes and Puns

Sex after Surgery

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.

"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

So an old lady's husband dies...

The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.

A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

John Travolta was admitted to a hospital with COVID symptoms last Sunday.

It was just a Saturday Night Fever.


A husband is admitted to the hospital...

He has fallen very ill and his future is unsure. He says to his wife, "honey, if I die, I think you should marry Hank from down the street."

"Hank?" the wife questions, "I thought you hated him?"

With his last breath the husband replies "I do"

A man receives a message from a neighbor...

"Sorry, sir I am using your wife day and night. Usually, when you are not present at home. In fact, much more than you do. I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."

The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to the hospital.

The next day he receives another message
"Sorry sir for spelling mistake, it's not a wife but wifi".

In a Mental Hospital a journalist asked the Doctor

How do u determine whether to admit a patient or not?

Dr: Well, we first fill a BathTub & give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the Bathtub....

Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger....

Dr: NO, a normal person would pull the drain plug!
Now if you would be so kind as to proceed to bed no.39

Earlier today, a man was admitted to hospital due to 8 plastic horses found in his stomach

His condition is now stable.

An elderly woman's husband dies

and she is so shackled with grief she wants to kill herself. She decides to use his old service pistol to shoot herself in the heart. She asks her doctor where her heart is to which he responds "right below your left breast". The next day she was admitted to the hospital with a gun shot wound to her left knee.

A woman goes to the doctor because she suspects she might have covid

She enters the office and while she was in the middle of explaining her symptoms the doctor with a blushed face calls his assistant and asks for a room to admit the woman into the hospital.

The woman surprised says "Are you sure I have covid? It's just a mild cough and I haven't been even tested yet!

To which the doctor replies "Lady I just had finished my lunch and released a huge fart a second before you came in, if you couldn't smell that I'm not wasting a test"

You can explore admitted hospital reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean admitted hospital dad jokes. There are also admitted hospital puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A man has been admitted to hospital after being shot with a starter pistol.

Police think it's race related.

A man was admitted to the hospital with eight plastic horses in his stomach

His condition is now stable

Doc, my husband was just admitted to the hospital with violent butt spasms. Do you know where he is?

Doctor: ICU baby, shaking that ass.

Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex".

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.

a man was admitted to the hospital with a wooden horse shoved up his ass

the doctors described his condition as stable.

Just been admitted to hospital after accidentally sitting on 2 of my son's plastic toy horses.

Doctors say I'm stable.

A man accidentally swallows a coin

He is then admitted to the hospital, when his friend comes to check on him he asks the nurse on any updates.

The nurse says: "No change yet."

Going to hospital

As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet."


"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I ask coyly.


"No," he said. "But it cost just as much."


A man was just admitted to our local hospital after 5 horses were found in his stomach.

Don't worry, his condition is stable.

Achy breaky heart.

At the age of 98, Mildred was distraught to be left a widow. She decided to ended it all with her husband's revolver and join him in death. To make sure she did it properly she called the doctor and asked exactly where the heart is located. The doctor replied that the heart is just below the left breast. Hearing that she took the revolver and placed it on the spot and fired. Half an hour later she was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound-to her left knee.

A guy was admitted into a hospital where they found eight plastic horses in his stomach...

He is in stable condition now.

An old woman decided to kill herself. When she looked it up, it said "Place gun under left breast and fire."

She was later admitted to the hospital with a GSW to the knee.

Hamlet gets a cough

So, Hamlet is admitted to a hospital for a cough.

He asks the doctors: "TB or not TB"

A woman wrote a complaint to the hospital in which her husband had surgery...

She wrote: After his surgery he lost all interest in sex.

The hospital answered: Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight

Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on breath mints?

He had to be admitted to the Mentos hospital.

Stormy Daniels was just admitted to a hospital...

Her condition is stable.

Did you hear about the gun that was admitted to the Emergency Room at the hospital?

Everyone freaked out when it was prematurely discharged

Why was snoop dogg admitted to hospital?

He had blunt force trauma


An Irish woman was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex!!!

Doctor's removed 2 iPhone's, 3 Samsung's and a Sony but no siemen was found

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the admitted hospital jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working admitted hospital piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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