Admittance Jokes

What are some Admittance jokes?

A man walks up to a bar...

... and the bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looking for a tie; only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!".

Hillbilly tries to get into Heaven

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him that, because of severe overcrowding, all prospective heavenly souls had to pass an intelligence test to gain admittance. Are you ready? St. Peter asked?

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg shrugged.

Very well. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T.'

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg thought and thought. He furrowed his brows and looked at his boots. Finally, his eyes lit up and he said, Today and Tomorrow.

St. Peter couldn't argue with that, so he moved on to the second question. How many seconds are there in one year?

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg looked stumped and broke out in a sweat. He paced back and forth, kicked plumes of golden cloud dust, counted on his fingers and toes. Then it came to him: Twelve! he exclaimed.

St. Peter asked, Twelve? How did you come up with that?

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg replied, January 2nd, February 2nd… There are 12 months and each of 'em's got at least two days.

St. Peter nodded. I can accept that! Now, for your final question: What is God's first name?

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg smiled. Well, that's easy. It's Howard.

St. Peter stared at him. Howard? Where did you get that?

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg explained, "From the prayer...'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...'"

How to make Admittance jokes?

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