Hilarious Admit Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
Today I learned that I can make an ice cube melt just by concentrating on it and thinking ''Melt.''
I have to admit that it takes a lot longer than I expected.
I have a friend who everyone knows is gay but he won't admit it.
He'll swallow everything but his pride.
Irishman in confession
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
I'll admit it, I often jack off in the bathroom at work.
Some of the guys here think it's strange that I use the urinal.
In a Mental Hospital a journalist asked the Doctor
How do u determine whether to admit a patient or not?
Dr: Well, we first fill a BathTub & give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the Bathtub....
Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger....
Dr: NO, a normal person would pull the drain plug!
Now if you would be so kind as to proceed to bed no.39
A man looking for work
A man was looking for work. In fact, he was desperate. He heard the circus was in town and so he went and asked the ring master if there was a job for him. The ring master said, "We're lucky you showed up! Our tiger just died and he was a big part of the show. What we need you to do is put on this tiger costume and pretend to be a real tiger. Nobody will know the difference." So the man put on the tiger costume, and he had to admit, it was a very realistic costume. Soon the show started, and the time came for the tiger act. The man, eager to do a good job, lept out into the ring, snarling just like a real tiger. The crowd cheered. He did all the things the tiger was supposed to do: let the trainer stick his head in his mouth, balanced on a ball, and finally walked across a tightrope. The crowd loved it. But then a lion and a bear entered the ring. The ring master announced, "Now you will see these three ferocious beasts enter one cage together!" The man had no choice as he was herded into the cage with the lion and the bear. The two animals roared and snarled, and the man became afraid for his life. He began running around the cage, shouting, "Let me out! I'm not a real tiger! Help!" Then the lion grabbed him and said, "Shut up! Do you want us all to lose our jobs?"
The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest
The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest to see who can find a white rabbit in the forest
The CIA comes in first place, finding the rabbit in fourteen hours. They used contacts, thermal vision, and satellites.
MI5 comes in second place, finding the rabbit in 24 hours using much of the same tactics
The KGB comes in last place. In one hour, they produced a bear, near beaten to death, who said "OK, OK, I admit it, I am a rabbit."
People admit to shopping for their girlfriends/wives all the time...
but when I do it I get busted for ~~prostitution~~ human trafficking.
Irish sectarianism joke
An American is visiting Ireland, and walking back to his hotel from the local pub. Suddenly he hears a voice behind him, demanding, "Are you a protestant or a catholic??". The American is well aware of the sectarian issues in Ireland and is understandably afraid to admit to either affiliation. In a flash of inspiration he responds, "neither, in Jewish!". And the voice comes back, "I must be the luckiest Palestinian in all of Ireland!"
So there was a stork carrying an old man..
..and the old man turns to it and says:
"Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"
Two Mafia hitmen are walking through the forest at night when one of them says
"I have to admit, it's pretty scary out here." The other replies, "You think this is bad? I have to walk back alone."
You can explore admit nag reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean admit begrudgingly dad jokes. There are also admit puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
You have to admit, Apple is being treated unfairly after the recent news about the iPhone 6+...
They merely wanted to provide a phone with the flexibility their customers demanded. It's clear that Apple bends over backwards for their fans, and they wanted to build a flagship phone which does so, too.
You could say that the iPhone 6+ is ... ahead of the curve.
Why is Darth Vader so famous?
He was the first black man to admit he is the father.
What do you call a white duck?
A Quacker.
Just made that up and I will openly admit to being proud of myself.
I once attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt...
I'll admit it was a waist of time.
I just heard a beautiful poem...
"I dig, you dig, we
dig, he dig, she dig,
they dig, we all dig."
I'll admit it's not a very *beautiful* poem, but it sure is deep.
The egyptian man wouldnt admit he'd fallen in a river
I guess he was in de Nile
WAR BOARDER
A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
My girlfriend told me I was one in a million
My girlfriend told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.
They won't admit the Egypt flight crashed...
...because they're all in *da nile.*
It's true I misunderstood what you meant by "take me to the bone zone"
but you must admit this is a very nice graveyard.
A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...
A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."
I'm not a competitive person
I'll be the first to admit it.
I hate people who use the wrong words in a sentence and don't correct themselves
They sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
.
You have to admit, I make a very good point.
What so you call a corpse that won't admit it's own sexuality?
A skeleton in the closet.
I admitted to my parents that I had sex in their bed.
"Someone has to," replied my dad.
Darth Vader was the first black guy to.....
admit that he's the father
My mother-in-law came into work at lunch time today, and I must admit unlike other men, I was genuinely pleased to see her.
By the way I'm an undertaker.
You don't want to get busy in an elevator.
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
Note: I did check the sub for this joke. Couldn't find it (I admit I didn't search too deep but I hope you enjoy this one).
I apologize in advance if this has been reposted.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous...
... I see a few new faces here and I have to admit, I'm disappointed.
A man goes to an asylum and asks
How do you admit your patients? The psychiatrist says Well, we fill a bathtub full of water then give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket then we tell them to empty the bathtub . The man replies I see, so the sane person would take the bucket , and the psychiatrist replies No, the sane person will pull the drain plug. Would you like your room to have a balcony sir?
I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.
......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!
I admit I was wrong about how good my chiropractor is.
I stand corrected.
Vegan girls never moan during sex
Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat gave them such pleasure.
People shouldn't be shamed for their kinks. Me, I get really turned on when someone smells like musty sweat and coal.
But I always get called a monster when I admit to being attracted to miners.
One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"
The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."
The husband says "Who is his father?"
The wife says **"You are."**
why will you never hear a vegan moan in bed ?
she'll never admit she's enjoying a piece of meat...
My grandpa used to say that what women want is security, and I have to admit he was right.
That's what they yell for when I start talking to them.
A blonde and a brunette
decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"
Which vegetable does everyone hate whether they admit it or not?
Kim Jong-un
About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess.
So he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?
Some people refuse to admit their faults.
I would, if I had any.
How do you call an alcoholic that doesnt admit the addiction?
Jack Denials
After days of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, Larry finally confronted her.
"Admit it," he said. "The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me a million dollars."
"Don't be ridiculous!" she shot back. "I don't care who left the money with you."
It takes a big man to admit he's wrong,
but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
You got to admit these civil war reenactments are getting more efficient
Nowadays it only takes a couple hours for the confederacy to surrender
A cowboy walks into a bar
A cowboy walks into a bar a wips out his gun and said: "who stole my horse!?"
*silence*
"If the thief does not admit i will do what my father did when his horse got stolen"
One guy stands up and said: "what did your father did when his horse got stolen?"
The cowboy said: "he walked home"
How many writers for "The Simpsons" does is take to change a lightbulb?
None. They won't admit that it burnt out 15 years ago!
An Irishman goes into the confessional box...
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
poor teacher
A teacher was teaching a class, when the students started creating chaos.
The teacher shouted "Whoever is standing will be declared as stupid"
Everyone went back to their seats except for one.
"So you admit you're stupid?" said the teacher,
"No, but i didnt want you to be alone"
I have a dyslexic gay friend but he is refusing to admit it...
He's in Daniel
two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night
Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says: "I gotta admit I'm scared out here."
The other replies: "You're scared... I gotta walk back alone!"
Why vegans don't moan during sex
It's coz they're afraid to admit that some meat makes them happy
Why don't vegans moan during sex?
They don't want to admit a piece of meat is making them happy
It's a bit embarrassing to admit here, but I was once attacked by a whole bunch of street mimes..
#
..and they did some unspeakable things to me.
Finally got my daughter to admit I can make good dad jokes... occasionally.
My 10 year old was putting away her laundry, and I noticed that she had a large pile of unfolded socks. I asked her why she hadn't put them away yet, and she said, "I can't because these are all single."
I said, "I know why they are single. They haven't found their sole mates yet."
She literally snorted, and told me that I finally made a good one.
I have to admit, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That's the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Weekly cult meetings
A cult holds weekly meetings and all members are expected to attend regularly. This week only two cultists show up. After waiting awkwardly for awhile making small talk, they realize no one else is coming.
Both of them are getting nervous and they admit to each other they missed last weeks cult meeting, so they don't know the reason no one else is here. Trying to decide what to do they think for a bit on what they missed and why they are the only ones in attendance today. Then it dawns on them....
"Oh no I think we missed the punchline."
Police Station: You admit having broken into the same dress shop four times. What did you steal?
A dress for my wife, but she made me change it three times.
My friend suggested I should go jogging at 7am instead of 7pm and...
I got to admit, it's a night and day difference.
My wife is worried about my masturbation addiction.
I admit, I needed her help.
A man is convinced is wife is going deaf, but she won't admit it. So he decides to test his theory once and for all.
While she's standing at the sink, he stands about six steps behind her and says, "What's for dinner, dear?"
When there's no answer, he steps a few steps closer and repeats the question.
Again there's no response, so he moves right to his wife's shoulder and asks: "What's for dinner, dear?"
At this his wife turns around angrily and says, "For the third time, sausages!"
War
A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.
Well, answered the Priest, That's not a sin.
But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed. The Dutchman said.
The Priest replied, I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause.
The Dutchman exclaimed Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.
What is it son? ask the priest.
The Dutchman whispered Do I have to tell him the war is over?
Mike stopped by the bar and ran into his friend Jack.
"I've been taking evening classes at the university," Mike told Jack, "and I'm learning so much." "Who is Hobbes? Who is Mill? Who is Bentham?," Mike asked Jack.
Jack replied, "I gotta admit I don't know any of them." "But do you know who Richardson is?" Jack asked Mike. Despite everything he'd learned in his classes, Mike was stumped and admitted that to Jack. "Well you should," Jack said. "He's the guy who's been visiting your wife every time you head off to class."
Scientists have today discovered that dark matter actually does not exist.
The source of the unknown mass in the galaxy was never dark matter, but the result of a calculation mistake.
The scientists admit that they forgot to include your mother in the calculations, and therefor the last (approximately) 80% of the mass in the Milky Way has finally been discovered.
