Admiral Jokes

What are some Admiral jokes?

Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic.

Cook: In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.

Why can't Admiral Ackbar fly to Hawaii?

"Aloha Ackbar" doesn't go over well at the airport

Aftershave's aftereffects.

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

Navy biscuits

An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that's the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

After joining the submarine forces of the Navy, I was guaranteed that I would be stationed on a nuclear-powered submarine by an Admiral.

Unfortunately, when I received my order I found out that my post would be a navigator on a Diesel-powered sub with no nuclear capability.

When I approached my command to complain, I was told that this happened all the time and would soon sort itself out - a moderator would soon move my post to the correct sub.

Biscuits & Doughnuts

An Admiral visits one of the ships under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the US Naval Insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command. The cook replied, "Well Admiral, after each one is cut out I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the insignia".

Horrified, the Admiral exclaims "That's very unhygienic!"

The cook shrugs and replies "In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the Doughnuts".

An Admiral visited one of the ships under his command.

While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia."

Horrified, the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, if that's the way you feel, Sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

What did the suicide bomber from the Rebel Alliance say before detonating?

ADMIRAL ACKBAR!

I heard that there was a new food court in Coruscant

Its called Admiral Ackbar's Admirable Snack Bar

An admiral is going to battle...

An admiral is going to battle, he meets with his most trusted man and asks how many enemy ships he can see in the horizon
The man replies "sir, i see 2 ships in the distance"
The admiral then tells him to bring him his red coat so that his sailors couldn't see his blood during the battle
The man then brings the coat to the admiral and says to him "sir, now i see 20 enemy ships in the distance"
The admiral watches the horizon in silence for a couple seconds and says "bring me my brown pants"

An admiral is sailing a ship...

and ahead of him, spots an incoming light. He radios the light, commanding, "Turn 10 degrees South to avoid a collision course." The radio squawked, "No, you are to turn 10 degrees South." This exchange happens about 3 or 4 more times until finally, the admiral yells into the radio, saying, "Do you know who you are talking to? I AM AN ADMIRAL OF THE UNITED STATES NAVY!"

The radio says back, "Well, you're talking to the lighthouse."

Man overboard!

An Admiral was touring one of the ships in his fleet. After dinner, he ditched his escorts and walked along the weatherdecks. He came upon a seaman, and decided to ask a few questions to check the level of training aboard.

"Sailor," he asked, "what would you do if someone fell over the rail?"

"Officer or enlisted Sir?" was the instant reply.

"Um, okay, enlisted, uh, someone from your division. Yeah, one of your buds falls over the side, what would you do?"

"Call away 'Man Overboard,' toss a floatation device to him, stick by the rail and try to keep an eye on him while the ship turns and lookouts assemble. When a phone talker arrives, give information to the bridge to aid in the recovery."

"Okay, sailor, good answer. But I have to ask, what would you do if an officer fell over the side?"

The sailor leaned close, looked left and right, and asked, "Which one?"

An Army general and a Navy admiral are both in a public restroom.

The admiral finishes peeing, and leaves without washing his hands. The general also finishes up, but washes his hands.

On the way out the door, the general asks, "What, did they not teach you to wash your hands in the Navy?"

The admiral replies, "No, they taught us not to pee on our hands."

When asked if he would be called a Governor in Iran, Admiral Ackbar said, "No..."

"...It's Satrap."

An admiral and a general go fishing...

In a small rowboat out on the lake. A large fish pulls on the line, and the boat flips over. The general starts to swim to shore, but the admiral starts screaming "help, help, help!" and flailing in the water. The general goes over to him, grabs hold, and swims him back to dry land.

Once there the admiral says "thank you, thank you, but please don't tell anyone I can't swim, I'd be the laughing stock of the Navy!" To which the general replies "it's okay, I understand, my men would be devastated to learn I can't walk on water."

A woman asked an admiral the last time he made love to a woman

He replied, "oh, no, ma'am. I'm in the Navy"

What is Admiral Ackbar's favorite shape?

IT'S A TRAPezoid!

Admirals daughter

She was only the Admirals daughter, but her naval base was always full of seamen.

The Ex

I used to go out with an Admirals daughter, it didn't last long as her naval base was always full of seamen.

What would a character from the Star Wars universe shout before a suicide bombing?

ADMIRAL ACKBAR!

If two Admirals are dating...

Are they in a relationships?

Who did the Rebel pilot pledge loyalty to before crashing into the Death Star?

ADMIRAL ACKBAR!!!

I Didn't realise the ship I sailing on was a gay cruise..

until the captain introduced himself as The rear admiral

Something interesting I learned about Edward VIII

He has the distinction of being the only person ever demoted from Lord Admiral of the Fleet to third mate on an American tramp.

If you are at a restaurant and see the Pig Latin Admiral Ackbar special, beware..

It's an app tray.

Did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died?

Five sailors died digging his grave.

An admiral and his fleet are out at sea during war

An admiral at the head of his fleet is scanning the horizon for the enemy ships he's looking to destroy. Seeing them crest the horizon, he tells his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt."

"Why, Sir?"

"If I am wounded in the fight, and the men see me bleeding, they may lose heart. If I wear my red shirt into battle, that cannot happen. Now, bring me my red shirt!"

"Yes, sir!"

The Admiral continues to scan the horizon, and sees there are in fact ten times as many enemy ships as his own fleet has. The first mate returns with the red shirt. The Admiral turns to him and says,

"Bring me my brown pants."

How to make Admiral jokes?

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