JokoJokes

Adjustable Jokes

128 adjustable jokes and hilarious adjustable puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about adjustable that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Adjustable Short Jokes

Short adjustable jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The adjustable humour may include short jokes also.

  1. As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time" I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
  2. Stopped to put air in my tires today. The pump cost $1.50! I remember when those things used to only cost 25 cents. Guess the price has adjusted for inflation.
  3. Balloons For Sale! They're 10c each or if you want them filled its 20c
    Ive adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
  4. Fiddy Cent just had a kid. They named him after his father but adjusted for inflation. They call him Buck Fiddy.
  5. A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing...
    'He's like a fish out of water.'
    'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?'
    'No, I mean he's dead.'
    -Mike Close-
  6. My Doctor just advised me to quit drinking. This is going to be really difficult and a big adjustment... I've been with this Doctor for 35 years.
  7. An airplane yells at his son "If you don't get an attitude adjustment immediately you're going to get grounded."
  8. What do the American dollar and the American dress size have in common? Both have had to adjust for inflation.
  9. How do I determine the cost of a balloon after adjusting for inflation? Pls help me. The size of the problem is growing by the second.
  10. If I bought a balloon for $0.99... How much should I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?

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Adjustable One Liners

Which adjustable one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with adjustable? I can suggest the ones about and .

  1. What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device? He adjusts the volume.
  2. I used to think chiropractic adjustments didn't work. I stand corrected
  3. I got my back adjusted a practitioner of ancient egyptian medicine A Cairo-practor
  4. I asked my boss for a raise... He bought me an adjustable chair
  5. Why did balloon prices keep rising? Because they had to adjust for inflation.
  6. If you adjust your posture based on someone's recommendation, Do you stand corrected?
  7. What do you call an Egyptian who adjusts spines? A cairo-practor
  8. How do Polka musicians improvise? They adjust accordianly.
  9. Ever wonder why tires are so expensive these days? They have to adjust for inflation.
  10. What do you call an Egyptian spine adjuster? A Cairopractor
  11. Want to avoid hangovers? Keep drinking forever. your liver and wallet will adjust.
  12. If I owned a chiropractor group-practice... I would call it "The Adjustment Bureau"
  13. I couldn't see land at sea... I adjusted my render distance.
  14. My flight instructor got mad at me today. He said I needed an "attitude adjustment."
  15. I'm well adjusted.... Not emotionally, but I did just see the chiropractor.

Adjustable Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about adjustable you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make adjustable pranks.

A lady sitting in the dentist chair told the dentist, "I would rather go through the pain of child birth than have you drill in my mouth." The dentist replied, "Well, you had better make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

A lady sitting in the dentist chair told the dentist, "I would rather go through the pain of child birth than have you drill in my mouth." The dentist replied, "Well, you had better make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you loose your car keys, click on find.
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary.
You would use your diskette to recover from a c**....
And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to you.

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.


Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

Wouldn’t it be great if men were made by Kodak!
They would automatically shut off when they weren’t being used.
You wouldn’t have to wait for them to recharge after each shot.
They last longer and come with a warranty.
You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.
They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.
They come in fashion colors.
You can keep them in maximum zoom.
They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.
The parts that count are portable.
They don’t mind over-exposure.
They respond to the slightest touch.
The one you want is available at a KMART near you.

A couple went to have their baby delivered.

.. Upon arrival, the doctor said there is this new technology that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father, via a machine.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer ratio to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband over and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.....
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband both were ecstatic...
When they reached home...The cook was lying dead in the kitchen!

I always adjust the seat and mirrors when I drive my husband's car so he doesn't forget he's married.

This is a mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

An elderly couple was sitting in church...

when the wife leans over and tells her husband, "I just let out a silent f**.... What should I do?"
The man replies, "First thing you should do is adjust your hearing aid."

A man and his pregnant wife go to the hospital...

A man and his pregnant wife go to the hospital so the wife can give birth. After the nurses get her settled in, the doctor approaches the man and says, "We just got this new machine in that will transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father. Would you like to try it out?"
The man says, "Well of course. Anything for my wife. Fire it up, doc!"
As the wife begins to have the baby, the doctor cranks up the dial on the machine to 25 percent. The wife screams in pain, but the man says, "I don't feel anything at all."
"That's odd," says the doctor. He adjusts the dial to 50 percent. The wife's screams grow quieter, but the husband still doesn't feel a thing.
"That's uncanny," says the doctor as he turns the dial all the way up to 100 percent. Neither the husband nor his wife feel any pain at all, the baby is delivered healthy, they're discharged from the hospital, they go home, and the mailman is dead on the porch.

We put Granddad into a nursing home yesterday

I called Grandma to see how he was doing.

"Oh, dear, he's like a fish out of water!" she told me.

"Is he finding hard to adjust?" I asked.

"No, he's dead."

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are on a hunting trip...

... they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.
The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.
Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
SOURCE: One of about three jokes the PhD students from the computational mathematics and statistics know.
-------
Bonus: i**... is a family-wise error.

Fish out of water.

I was on the phone to my Grandma the other day and we were discussing how my Grandpa was getting on in the nursing home.
I said, "How is he coping, getting on all right?".
She replied, "Oh, no, he's like a fish out of water..."
So I said, "Aww is he finding it quite hard to adjust?"
She replied, "No, he's dead."

Heard this one from my dentist...

After a woman had a painful operation at the dental office, she said, "I don't know what's worse, this, or having a baby!"
The dentist said, "well, next time, tell us so we know how to adjust the chair."

Granny's boyfriend

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.
The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom b**... her boyfriend."

My Balloons

I'm a newly graduated entrepreneur breaking into the party paraphernalia game. I bought a ton of balloons a year ago for 99 cents each. In order to make a profit, how much should I adjust my prices for inflation?

A man enters a golfing tournament...

... but he is terrible at golf. However, an evil leprechaun lives at the golf course. He says to the man,
"I see you are terrible at golf, but I can help you win the tournament, if you agree to never marry."
The man agrees.
After he wins the tournament, the leprechaun asks for his name.
The man says:
"Father Smith" as he adjusts his priest's collar.
(A priest joke with 100% less p**...!)

One day, a 7 year old boy went to visit his grandmother.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"

okay now...focus

Two elderly ladies were going to get their photograph taken . This was back in the day when photography was new. So they go into the studio and the photographer seats and poses them. The first lady says "what he gonna do"? The second lady says "hes posing us real pretty for our picture", next the photographer adjusts the lighting. First Lady says "whats he gonna do"? Second lady: "hes adjusting the lighting so we be real pretty". Next the photographer starts adjusting the camera, first lady: "whats he gonna do?" second lady: "hes gonna focus", second lady: "bofus"???

A man buys a talking centipede for a pet...

When he gets home, he puts down his new pet's box, and lets him get adjusted. After a while, the man gets hungry, and starts getting ready to go out to dinner. Before he walks out the door, he remembers the centipede and asks him if he would like to come with him. After waiting a few minutes, he had received no response. He then gently knocked on the box and asked him once more. After waiting again, no response. Finally, he banged on the box several times, yelled if he would like to join him for dinner, and put his ear up to the box. He was at last greeted with a tiny voice saying, "I heard you the first time, I was just putting my shoes on."

This weekend the Patriots defeated the Colts in the AFC championship game by a score of 45-7...

But, this week it would be 38-14, adjusted for inflation.

A graduate student submits his thesis to his advisor...

A few days later, the advisor returns in with a single note: Needs Improvement.
So the student makes a few changes and resubmits it. Again, the advisor returns it with the single note: Needs Improvement.
This time, the student pores over it, double checks every word, adds every reference he can find, and adjusts the layout to make it more readable. He walks into his advisor's office and says, "I have done everything I possible can, this is absolutely perfect."
The advisor takes it from him and says, "Okay, I guess I'll actually read it this time."

Just before the love-makin' starts on a honeymoon...

The man says to the woman: "Y'know honey, I know we rushed into this wedding. I have to tell you a big secret of mine. It's very important that you know this about me... I am obsessed with golf. Everything I do is about golf. I eat sleep and dream thinking about golf."
The woman says: "Oh that's alright! I'm glad you brought this up. I have a secret to tell you too... OK here goes... I'm a h**...."
The man says: "That's easy to fix, if you adjust your grip and swing you'll be fine."

The espresso bar tech visited today...

They adjusted my grind, turned up the heat, and blew out my steam wand.

I realized I needed an altitude adjustment...

...so I booked the next flight out of town.

How do you feel about s**...?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about s**...?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

A woman goes to the dentist....

and the dentist says "Looks like you need to have a tooth pulled." The woman says "I'd rather have a baby."
The dentist looks at her and says "Make up your mind, I'll have to adjust the chair."

Doctor "your dad's been in a coma for 9 days, we're running out of ideas" me: "let me try" [goes to adjust thermostat]

dad: [opens one eye] "You better not be turning that heating up!"

I'm so well adjusted and emotionally stable...

Yep.

Funny one liner

if the purpose of technology is to make our lives easier, then i need a "voice-based-auto-adjustable-underwear".

A billionaire decides to build a palace

A billionaire decides to build a palace to bring the best musicians of the 60's together in one place. After a year of hammering, sawing, and painting the palace is finally finished. It's perfect – marble, chandeliers, and concert halls; dozens of swimming pools and tennis courts. Excited, the billionaire sends out his invitations. A few weeks later he sees Jefferson Airplane, The Beetles, Jimmy Hendrix and a hoard of 60's luminaries standing in the grass, but none are coming inside. Paul McCartney is playing cards with m**... Jagger.
The billionaire is stunned. I've spent a year building this palace, making it perfect in every detail for the best musicians the 60's has ever known. Why won't you come inside?
John Lennon adjusts his glasses and calls out: You forgot The Doors.

What every man needs

Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, s**... wife, adjusting & cooperative wife, but it's sad that law allows only one wife.

Microsoft should try making an optimistic and articulate robot that adjusts its responses based on interactions with the public.

They could call it Marco Rubio.

A woman goes to a dentist

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says:
"I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says:
"Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies,
"Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

The FDA still bases Percent Daily Values on a 2,000 calorie diet...

They really need to adjust for inflation.

A pirate walks into a bar

And sits down next to another pirate. He asks him if he'd like a drink and adjusts his eye patch. The second pirate brightens up and says, "Would I?!"
The first pirate gets up, angry and says "Screw you, peg leg!"

Someone told me that the amount of welfare you get depends on how pregnant you are.

So does that mean your welfare is adjusted for inflation?

There are two types of dog owners

One of them yells at their dog when it humps their leg, the other one adjusts their leg.

A couple decided to get married

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about s**...?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

Banks have been using insects to adjust customers' balances and deal with financial issues.

They're the account ants

What do you call that lever on a desk chair that adjusts lower back support?

The Lumbar Jack

A well dressed 80yr old man walks into the senior center...

he stops, surveys the room and sees an attractive 70 yr old lady sitting by herself. he adjust his tie and walks over to her.
" So," He says, " do I come here often?"

A man loses his eye in a car accident

When he's in recovery, his doctor tells him he won't be able to regain his vision so he offers him his finest false eyes. However, due to the insurance cost and hospital bills, the man can only afford a wooden eye as a replacement.
After a few weeks of adjusting to the wooden eye, he's feeling pretty confident so he goes out to a bar. As he sits down to drink, he spies a beautiful woman with a large nose from across the bar.
With every ounce of courage he has he approaches the woman and says "would you like to go on a date with me?"
"Would I!?" Replies the woman excitedly.
"Big nose!" Shouts the man angrily and storms out of the bar.

Wife:Isn't hot in here hun?

Troll husband : It kinda is, ill adjust the AC.

The library where I work just hired a Cajun head Librarian...

Transitioning to the Andouille Decimal System has been a difficult adjustment.

I've adjusted my insults to be more pc

Instead of calling people gay, I call them straight.

A man is walking down the street and sees another woman selling a television

He asks the man how much for the television, and she says: "one dollar"
"Only a dollar? That's really cheap, how come?" asks the man
"It's so cheap because volumes turned all the way up you can't adjust it stuck that way."
The man says, "wow only a dollar, I can't turn that down"

Woman to Dentist: "Its so painful"

Woman to Dentist: "Its so painful. I will prefer to get Pregnant than getting my cavity filled"
.
.
.
.
Dentist: " Make a Decision, I will adjust the chair accordingly."

Man finds an HD TV in a Garage Sale

"How much is this TV?" the man said.
The seller responded, "One dollar."
"Wow, only one dollar?"
"Yep, one dollar."
Why is it so cheap?" asked the man.
"Its volume is turned all the way up, and you can't adjust it, it's stuck that way." said the seller.
"So the volume is always turned up?"
"Yep."
"And it's only a dollar?"
"Yes, one dollar."
"Just cause the volume is turned all the way up?"
"Yep."
"Wow! Can't turn that down."

Why did James K. Polk have the highest insurance rate of any US President after being adjusted for inflation?

Because no one could ever see him coming.

What did Robocop say when he saw Lewis adjusting the settings on the stereo in the cruiser?

"Stay out of treble."

I think they should have adjusted for inflation in the new "It"...

And called him Nickelwise the Clown.

A dental doctor with patient

A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby." The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"

Today I saw a girl driving while texting, applying makeup, AND adjusting her mirrors

I was so shocked I spat out my beer

A man with the biggest lungs may have broken the record for Longest Held Breath .

The judges are still adjusting for inflation.

A middle-aged man and woman are getting ready to go out for the evening...

The man is n**..., standing in front of his bedroom mirror.
Honey, I can't believe I'm turning 50 in just a few months. Look at how old I've gotten! My belly is sticking out, I have wrinkles and liver spots all over, and I'm losing my hair. I feel so bad about myself
Then he turns to his wife and says:
Did you hear me? I'm feeling down and I need you to tell me something good about me
The wife looks up from her book, adjusts her glasses, and says:
Well, at least you still have 20/20 vision

When travelling the world and you forget which way you adjust for time zones, just watch the news...

...and then you'll clearly see that America is living in the past.

Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.

They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."
The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."
The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"

A man comes across a T.V for sale for $1

He asks the man selling it why its so cheap, he replies "the volume is turned all the way up and you can't adjust it, its stuck that way"
"wow! you can't turn that down"

I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p.

I've adjusted the price to allow for inflation.

My dad is a pediatric chiropractor

He's never done anything too major but he's really good with minor adjustments.

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-five year olds'?

Because there are 20 of them.


I guess you can adjust the tense since, well you know, he's dead and all.

Was adjusting my hat when a girl walked by, she thought I was tipping it to her.

I want to kill m'self.

What did the boy say to the girl when they were p**... in the tent?

Can you adjust your strap-on?

for all the lonely alcoholics out there

myself included
we are, for better and for worse,
bound to have moods depending on
the number of drinks in us
we are pourly adjusted.