Quirky and Hilarious Adds Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
"I just got a fruit juicer because they say juicing adds years to your life...
...What they don't tell you is the years you add juicing, you lose cleaning you juicer."
-Kyle Dunnigan-
A priest is painting the outside of his church...
He realizes he won't have enough paint to complete the job unless he adds water, which he does. When he finishes, a freak rainstorm pops up and his handiwork is lost as all the paint is washed off. From the clouds, a voice calls out:
"Repaint, and thin no more."
Big Pause
A bear walks into a tavern and sits at the bar.
The bartender says, "What can I get'cha there, Bruno?"
The bear says, "I'll have a r**... and..."
He's silent for 30 seconds, then adds, "Coke."
The bartender says "OK. But what's with the big pause?"
The bear lifts his front feet to his face, looks at them, and says "I've had them all my life. Ya got a problem with that, buddy?'
Successful entrepreneur
I met an old friend from high school the other day, and I couldn't believe how wealthy he had become. He ran a massively successful business, but could barely get a passing grade in math class when I knew him.
I asked him how he did it.
He said it was easy.
"All I did was find a product I could make for $2 and sell for $4. You'd be surprised just how much 2% adds up over the years!"
A Winking Salesman!
A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.
"Looking at your resume, I can see that you're more than qualified", says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you", adds the interviewer.
"But wait", says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking".
"Then show me", replies the interviewer.
So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colours before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
"It's great. You stopped winking", says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country".
"What do you mean?", asks the man. "I'm happily married".
"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.
"Oh, that", sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Can we Frankenstein Monster a joke?
i propose we see who can come up with the best joke. we submit a part, someone else adds to it. maybe 3 parts? maybe not? let's see who can come up with the funniest crowd sourced joke.
I heard the camera adds 10 pounds.
Don't eat cameras.
They say the camera adds ten pounds...
qXL134vAnxwyjB6d8EBV8UHBxLDBvuE5rkLEdoHTbZIEZ0
A man is staring into his whiskey
The barkeep asks if something's the matter.
"3 of my servers have the same virus, there are reports of bugs and extensions cropping up in our clientelle's cookies, and today icecream sandwich ruined my phone."
"IT sounds rough" he adds sympathetically.
"IT?" the customer says, " I work at Baskin Robbins."
Excercise adds years to your life...
... for example, I went jogging for 3 miles this morning, and I already feel like I am 65!
How I feel when watching youtube...
I dont mind the buffer ...
I dont mind the adds...
But when the ads buffer...
I suffer
You can explore adds sympathetically reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean adds extra dad jokes. There are also adds puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My girlfriend has a f**... for feet
Every time I go to see her she adds a few more to the restraining order.
I tried a new shampoo that adds extra volume
but I found it too loud.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Still unsure as to whether or not that full stop adds to humorous effect.
British people are always recording their finances
because the camera adds ten pounds.
If a camera adds 10 pounds...
Do African children even exist?
A man walks into a gun store and asks "what is the best gun for bears?"
The guy behind the counter shows him a selection of guns, then the man adds : "which ones of these are good for twinks too?".
The other day some guy came up to me, called me a Blockhead and then proceeded to hit me with his rhythm stick...
I though "That just adds insult to Ian Dury."
LPT: When weightlifting, always have a friend videotape it.
Because the camera always adds 10 pounds.
they say a camera adds 5 pounds.
that being the case, do african children even exist?
Physicist, Engineer and Statistician are out bow-hunting.
They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far.
The statistician goes "Nice job guys, we got him!"
Somebody told me that today literally adds up
But that's silly, 8+8 =/= 2016
I got irradiated recently...
I like to think it adds to my glowing personality.
excuse for being fat...
They say the camera adds 10 pounds... Quit eating cameras d**...
2016 being a beast of a year really adds up!
6**... + 6**... + 6**... + 6 + 6 + 6 = 2016
A girl at work asks if I think she's a 10...
I said "you're an 11."
"Aww really?" she says with a huge smile.
I said "yeah , you've got a great personality as well and that adds at least 10 points."
United Airlines adds a new food item to their menu
Beet Salad
If it's true that the camera adds 10 pounds...
Do kids in Africa even exist?
Three doctors are talking about death
The first, a dentist, says, When I die, I think I'd like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.
Hey, adds the cardiologist, that's not a bad idea, I'd love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…
The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, I think scattering of the ashes is my option.
Some people might be annoyed with these internet trends...
But I think it just adds to our culture. I'm glad I got to witness the kale-end of one and the bespinning of another!
If my wife has 6 oranges in one hand and then adds 4 apples to the other hand, then what does she have?
No shot of blocking an uppercut.
A soldier's wife sends him.......
....a n**... photograph of herself with both legs wide open.
She adds the message, Love, I'll wait for you like this till you return.
Soldier: Oh, that's nice but who took that photo?
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician goes hunting.
The physicist sees a deer and calculates a trajectory in a vacuum and pulls the trigger.
The bullet falls short.
The engineer, seeing this, adds in some fudge and calculates high, overshooting the deer by a similar amount.
The statistician exclaims, "We got it!"
A kid was begging his dad to move to California.
Dad: Give me one reason why I should agree
Kid: California starts with Cal
Dad: And?
Kid: Calculator also starts with Cal
Dad: What does that mean?
Kid: It all adds up
A man kills a deer...
A man kills a deer and brings it home for dinner but tells the wife not to tell the children what type of meat they will be eating. Later as they're enjoying their meal the father asks his children if they know what type of meat they'd been enjoying. With puzzled looks on their faces he adds, 'It's what mommy calls daddy'.
The oldest grabs the forks of his younger siblings and exclaims, 'Don't eat that, its an a**...!!'
Drum and bass
Drum and bass takes two of my favourite things and adds a "d" and a "b" in front of them.
An economist goes up to a girl he fancies at a bar.
He asks her, "I'll give you a million dollars if you will have s**... at me."
The woman, taken back by the offer, sizes up the economist and agrees.
Now the economist adds, "Actually, I changed my mind. I'd rather do it with you in turn for a hundred dollars."
The woman being insulted, retorted, "What am I, some p**...?"
"Oh, we already established that. Now we're just negotiating price. "
A man walks into a buffet...
He puts a sausage on his plate, and his German friend says "now you're speaking my language!".
Then, he adds a slice of pizza to his plate, and his Italian friend says "now you're speaking my language!".
Then, the man has an incredible urge to sneeze. He reaches for a napkin and raises it up, and his French friend says "now you're speaking my language!".
Do you know why gay guys are getting two w's as tattoo on butts.
I don't know they say it adds a wow-factor.
Where do fish look for jobs?
In the kelp wanted adds.
Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.
The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:
'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"
"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.
Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the church, they go:
'Oh pastor! Oh pastor!'"
The other two shout, "Oh my, how impressive!"
The third mother is beaming with pride and says, "Well, MY son is 4 feet tall and 800 pounds. When he walks past the church, they go:
'MY GOD!'"
They say the camera adds ten pounds
But after meeting a few girls online I'm convinced it takes away at least thirty
Everyday someone mysteriously adds more dirt on top of my garden
The plot thickens
Frank Zappa's children met at a restaurant
the waiter asks them what they'd like to drink.
"A beer", says Moon.
"Wine", adds Ahmet.
"Water", asks Diva.
"Pop", goes Dweezil.
A girl had her bag open and a calculator fell out. I picked it up and said excuse me , I think this is yours. I saw it fall out of your bag
that adds up she said
Being a janitor doesn't leave you smelling great
It adds a whole new meaning to eau de toilette
Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?
The keyboard adds an extra pound.
When I was younger I couldn't wrap my head around infinite sums
But now it all adds up
Girlfriend: At least with the quarantine, the air pollution levels are down
Me: Well I kinda like the air pollution, it adds to the atmosphere.
Two physicists walk into a bar
One says to the barman "I'll have a H2O"
The other adds "I'll have a H2O, aswell"
The barman then punches the second man for calling him an a**...-well.
Three old friends are walking on a beach, when one turns slightly to the group and says:
„It's windy today!
„No, it's Thursday! replies the one walking in the middle, looking a bit confused.
„So am I! Let's have a beer. adds the third one
A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting...
A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.
The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.
The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.
The statistician yells "We got him!"
A pirate captain says to his 3 crewmates, "Let's learn Roman numerals!"
The first one says, "Aye."
The second one adds, "Aye aye."
The third one finishes, "Aye aye aye."
A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.
A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhappy and disinterested in each other for many decades.
The lawyer is a bit shocked and asks why after all this time have they chosen to get divorced.
The ancient couple exchange a glance and the man says well...we just thought we should wait till the children were dead.
An alcoholic sees a blonde nurse
An alcoholic walks into a nurses office. The blonde nurse asks "What seems to be the problem?". So the alcoholic says "I've been having a rough, scratchy feeling in my t**... lately". She asks "Well that do you mostly eat and drink?". He replies "Mostly scotch". The alcoholic sees the nurses' eyes widen in shock and judgement, and in a reflex of dismissal he adds "On the rocks though". Her mood quickly shifts from shock to anger and says "WELL THERES' YOUR PROBLEM! STOP DRINKING ROCKS, s**...!".
I don't like jokes about math….
They always divide people and it adds up to arguments in the comments
The Mother Superior assembles all the nuns
"This morning," she announces, "the gardener found a c**... in the rhododendron bushes!"
Ninety-nine nuns gasp in horror, one giggles "Tee-hee!"
"And it had been used!" the Mother Superior adds.
Ninety-nine nuns gasp in horror, one giggles "Tee-hee!"
"...And there was a hole in it!" says the Mother Superior.
Ninety-nine nuns giggle "Tee-hee!", one gasps in horror.
An anteater walks into a coffee bar ...
... where all the workers, naturally, are English majors and grads. "I'd like a cinnamon latte," he said, "where the cream balances the astringency of the dark roasted coffee beans and the grated spice adds a piquant warmth to the taste of the beverage."
"Why the long clause?" asked the barista, making the drink.
"For ants," replied the anteater. "You have to dig real fast to get those tasty little suckers."
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
To which I say, Stop eating cameras.
Piece of string walks into a bar.
He sits at the bar and asks the bartender for a Moscow Mule. The bartender looks him over and says I'm sorry, but we don't serve string here . The piece of string leaves with a bit of hurt feelings.
The next night he decides to go in disguise and try again. He ruffles up his hair and adds a few curves and loops to make himself seem thicker, before putting on a bigger jacket. When he makes it back to the bar, the bartender spots him and immediately asks Hey, aren't you that piece of string from last night? .
No he replies, I'm a frayed knot .
