Adds Jokes

Following is our collection of sympathetically humor and enhance one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Adds puns for adults, dirty extra jokes or clean gazes gags for kids.

There is an abundance of addition jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 57 funniest jokes on adds. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any sends witze you can hear about adds.

The Best jokes about Adds

Physicist, Engineer and Statistician are out bow-hunting.

They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far.

The statistician goes "Nice job guys, we got him!"

they say a camera adds 5 pounds.

that being the case, do african children even exist?

A Winking Salesman!

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

"Looking at your resume, I can see that you're more than qualified", says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you", adds the interviewer.

"But wait", says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking".

"Then show me", replies the interviewer.

So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colours before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

"It's great. You stopped winking", says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country".

"What do you mean?", asks the man. "I'm happily married".

"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.

"Oh, that", sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:

'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"

"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.

Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the church, they go:

'Oh pastor! Oh pastor!'"

The other two shout, "Oh my, how impressive!"

The third mother is beaming with pride and says, "Well, MY son is 4 feet tall and 800 pounds. When he walks past the church, they go:

'MY GOD!'"

A man walks into a buffet...

He puts a sausage on his plate, and his German friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, he adds a slice of pizza to his plate, and his Italian friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, the man has an incredible urge to sneeze. He reaches for a napkin and raises it up, and his French friend says "now you're speaking my language!".


If my wife has 6 oranges in one hand and then adds 4 apples to the other hand, then what does she have?

No shot of blocking an uppercut.

They say the camera adds ten pounds

But after meeting a few girls online I'm convinced it takes away at least thirty

A blonde goes golfing with her father

She is feeling good about her game recently, so she challenges her father: "If you beat me, I'll buy you dinner and drinks. If I beat you, you give me $20 to go shopping. The father agrees.

After the round, the father adds up the scores. "Ha! I beat you by 3 strokes. Let me think about what restaurant I want," he says triumphantly. The blonde grabs the scorecard to try adding it herself. Not wanting to make a mistake, she pulls out her phone and calculates it carefully.

After 10 minutes, the father is starting to get impatient. Finally the blonde looks up. "Well, did you finish adding it up?"

"Yup," she replied. "Nice try, Daddy, but I got the higher score!"

A graduate student submits his thesis to his advisor...

A few days later, the advisor returns in with a single note: Needs Improvement.

So the student makes a few changes and resubmits it. Again, the advisor returns it with the single note: Needs Improvement.

This time, the student pores over it, double checks every word, adds every reference he can find, and adjusts the layout to make it more readable. He walks into his advisor's office and says, "I have done everything I possible can, this is absolutely perfect."

The advisor takes it from him and says, "Okay, I guess I'll actually read it this time."

A priest is painting the outside of his church...

He realizes he won't have enough paint to complete the job unless he adds water, which he does. When he finishes, a freak rainstorm pops up and his handiwork is lost as all the paint is washed off. From the clouds, a voice calls out:

"Repaint, and thin no more."

A man is staring into his whiskey

The barkeep asks if something's the matter.

"3 of my servers have the same virus, there are reports of bugs and extensions cropping up in our clientelle's cookies, and today icecream sandwich ruined my phone."

"IT sounds rough" he adds sympathetically.

"IT?" the customer says, " I work at Baskin Robbins."


College

A professor tells the class that they will be performing an experiment the next day. When the students get to class, they see the professor with a large glass vase, some large rocks, some small pebbles, and some sand. The students all get seated, and the professor begins the experiment. He fills the vase with the rocks and says, "How many of you says this is full?" When half the class raises his hand, he nods, and then pours in the pebbles. "Now how many of you says this is full?" When no one else raises their hand he adds the sand and repeats the previous question. The rest of the class raises their hands. The professor then sits down to begin the rest of the class, when a student walks up with a bottle of booze that was in his backpack. He pours the booze in the vase and says to the professor "Now what does this teach you?" When the professor didn't answer the student said "There's always room for beer."

British people are always recording their finances

because the camera adds ten pounds.

"I just got a fruit juicer because they say juicing adds years to your life...

...What they don't tell you is the years you add juicing, you lose cleaning you juicer."

-Kyle Dunnigan-

Three doctors are talking about death

The first, a dentist, says, When I die, I think I'd like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.

Hey, adds the cardiologist, that's not a bad idea, I'd love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…

The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, I think scattering of the ashes is my option.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Still unsure as to whether or not that full stop adds to humorous effect.

Big Pause

A bear walks into a tavern and sits at the bar.

The bartender says, "What can I get'cha there, Bruno?"

The bear says, "I'll have a rum and..."

He's silent for 30 seconds, then adds, "Coke."

The bartender says "OK. But what's with the big pause?"

The bear lifts his front feet to his face, looks at them, and says "I've had them all my life. Ya got a problem with that, buddy?'

A kid was begging his dad to move to California.

Dad: Give me one reason why I should agree


Kid: California starts with Cal


Dad: And?


Kid: Calculator also starts with Cal


Dad: What does that mean?


Kid: It all adds up

A soldier's wife sends him.......

....a nude photograph of herself with both legs wide open.

She adds the message, Love, I'll wait for you like this till you return.

Soldier: Oh, that's nice but who took that photo?


A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician goes hunting.

The physicist sees a deer and calculates a trajectory in a vacuum and pulls the trigger.
The bullet falls short.
The engineer, seeing this, adds in some fudge and calculates high, overshooting the deer by a similar amount.
The statistician exclaims, "We got it!"

Two old men were waiting for their steam train which was running late.

"I know this train driver, his name is Bob. First time he's ever been late," one says.

"All train drivers are late some days," replies the other.

"No, not Bob, ever. He may never speak to anyone, or even look them in the eye, but he gets on that train and burns his secret ingredient and arrives on time every day without fail. 20 years, and never a minute late, quite incredible."

"Secret ingredient?"

"Oh yes, he adds mussels and oysters to the fuel. Reckons it gives a boost."

"So why is he late today? Think he got fed up and quit?"

"Oh no, not Bob. He just has low shellfish steam."




I make no apologies.

A girl at work asks if I think she's a 10...

I said "you're an 11."
"Aww really?" she says with a huge smile.
I said "yeah , you've got a great personality as well and that adds at least 10 points."

My girlfriend has a fetish for feet

Every time I go to see her she adds a few more to the restraining order.

Can we Frankenstein Monster a joke?

i propose we see who can come up with the best joke. we submit a part, someone else adds to it. maybe 3 parts? maybe not? let's see who can come up with the funniest crowd sourced joke.

An economist goes up to a girl he fancies at a bar.

He asks her, "I'll give you a million dollars if you will have sex at me."
The woman, taken back by the offer, sizes up the economist and agrees.
Now the economist adds, "Actually, I changed my mind. I'd rather do it with you in turn for a hundred dollars."
The woman being insulted, retorted, "What am I, some prostitute?"
"Oh, we already established that. Now we're just negotiating price. "

Successful entrepreneur

I met an old friend from high school the other day, and I couldn't believe how wealthy he had become. He ran a massively successful business, but could barely get a passing grade in math class when I knew him.

I asked him how he did it.

He said it was easy.

"All I did was find a product I could make for $2 and sell for $4. You'd be surprised just how much 2% adds up over the years!"

The other day some guy came up to me, called me a Blockhead and then proceeded to hit me with his rhythm stick...

I though "That just adds insult to Ian Dury."

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

They say the camera adds ten pounds...

qXL134vAnxwyjB6d8EBV8UHBxLDBvuE5rkLEdoHTbZIEZ0

A man's wife is in the hospital.

The doctor come into the room and says "Sir your wife is very ill and I'm afraid there isn't much we can do for her at this time." The man looks very distraught so the doctor adds in a quieter voice "look there is some anecdotal evidence that oral sex can be beneficial to people with your wife's condition, you could try that." The doctor leaves the room and 5 minutes later the cardiac arrest alarm starts going off.

The doctor rushes back into the room and exclaims "what happened?!" The husband says "I don't know, I guess she choked."

I heard the camera adds 10 pounds.

Don't eat cameras.

When I was younger I couldn't wrap my head around infinite sums

But now it all adds up

If a camera adds 10 pounds...

Do African children even exist?

A man kills a deer...

A man kills a deer and brings it home for dinner but tells the wife not to tell the children what type of meat they will be eating. Later as they're enjoying their meal the father asks his children if they know what type of meat they'd been enjoying. With puzzled looks on their faces he adds, 'It's what mommy calls daddy'.
The oldest grabs the forks of his younger siblings and exclaims, 'Don't eat that, its an asshole!!'

Two physicists walk into a bar

One says to the barman "I'll have a H2O"

The other adds "I'll have a H2O, aswell"

The barman then punches the second man for calling him an ass-well.

How I feel when watching youtube...

I dont mind the buffer ...

I dont mind the adds...


But when the ads buffer...




I suffer

A man goes to the doctor for a urine test.

The doctor performs the test and tells him that he has Diabetes. The man doesn't believe this and tells the doctor he wants to retake the test. The doctor complies, but the test results remained the same. The man returns home and plans to confuse the doctor by mixing his urine with that of his wife and daughter and adds some of his car oil. The doctor examines the sample and comes out to tell the man:"Your wife is cheating on you, your daughter is pregnant, your car needs an oil change, and you still have diabetes. "

Trump asks for quotes...

... for building the wall. First he goes to a Mexican company. They do the calculations of material and labour and answer him that they will do it for 10 billion dollars. Second he goes to an American company which answers him they will build it for 20 billion dollars. Ofcourse it will be much bigger and stronger than the wall of the Mexican company, they CEO adds. Finaly Trump goes to a Russian company. They make a quick count and gives him the price. 30 billion for the wall. "That's the worst deal so far!" Trump exclaims. "Not at all mjister Trumpt, you see, 10 billion for you, 10 billion for me, and 10 billion for the Mexicans to do it."

excuse for being fat...

They say the camera adds 10 pounds... Quit eating cameras damnit

If it's true that the camera adds 10 pounds...

Do kids in Africa even exist?

LPT: When weightlifting, always have a friend videotape it.

Because the camera always adds 10 pounds.

The little boy just wants chocolate ice cream...

A little boy walks into an ice cream shop...

"I want chocolate ice cream!" the boy exclaimed.

"I'm sorry we don't have chocolate", the clerk sighs "but I have this delicious strawberry and vanilla!"

"No! I want chocolate!" the boy cried.

"Tell you what" ,the clerk adds "can you spell 'VAN' as in vanilla?"

"Yeah! V-A-N", the boy proudly says.

"What about 'STRAW' as in strawberry?"

"Yeah! S-T-R-A-W", the boys says as he is getting annoyed.

"Now, what about 'FUCK' is an chocolate???"

The boys screams, "There is no 'FUCK' in chocolate!!"

"That's what I'm trying to tell you, boy!!!!!"

A man walks Into a bar and orders a beer

He gets his drink and adds a little something to it and this macho guy comes in grabs his drink and slams it down. The man begins crying immediatly tears pouring down, he just seems so distraught.

The macho man tells him he is sorry offers to buy him another drink. The man goes

"it's not that today is the worst day of my life, I woke up and my car wouldn't start so I walked to work. When I got there my boss fired me for being late. So I walked all the way home in the pouring rain and when I got there I caught my wife with another man in our bed. I walked to the closes bar sat down poured poison into my drink and you drank that!"

Somebody told me that today literally adds up

But that's silly, 8+8 =/= 2016

Girlfriend: At least with the quarantine, the air pollution levels are down

Me: Well I kinda like the air pollution, it adds to the atmosphere.

I got irradiated recently...

I like to think it adds to my glowing personality.

United Airlines adds a new food item to their menu

Beet Salad

Do you know why gay guys are getting two w's as tattoo on butts.

I don't know they say it adds a wow-factor.

I tried a new shampoo that adds extra volume

but I found it too loud.

Elderly Couple Go to Heaven Together

They both arrive at the pearly gates together and meet Saint Peter, who says "Let me show you around" He pointed to a mansion and said "That will be your house, located next to the country club." The old man asks, "and how much will that cost?" St Peter replies, "oh there's no charges, it's free, you're in heaven". He adds, "the country club has no fees or costs either" The old man is really happy by now and asks about food. St Peter says, "Although you don't need to eat, we do have full buffets with the very best pork, beef and poultry" The old man asks, "Aren't those bad for our health?" St Peter assures him, "You're in heaven now, there is no need to worry about your health."
The old man turns to his wife and smacks her upside the head. She says, "What was THAT for?" He answers, "If it wasn't for you and your bran muffins, we could have been here 30 years ago!"

Drum and bass

Drum and bass takes two of my favourite things and adds a "d" and a "b" in front of them.

2016 being a beast of a year really adds up!

666 + 666 + 666 + 6 + 6 + 6 = 2016

Some people might be annoyed with these internet trends...

But I think it just adds to our culture. I'm glad I got to witness the kale-end of one and the bespinning of another!

Being a janitor doesn't leave you smelling great

It adds a whole new meaning to eau de toilette

Excercise adds years to your life...

... for example, I went jogging for 3 miles this morning, and I already feel like I am 65!

A girl had her bag open and a calculator fell out. I picked it up and said excuse me , I think this is yours. I saw it fall out of your bag

that adds up she said

three monks

three monks live in the desert where they pray all day long.
one day a horse passes by.a year passed and one of the monks said: "what a beautiful horse!" after a year, one of the other two monks adds: "and it was white!"another year, and the third monk turns angrily and says to them : "if you don't stop talking i will go right away".

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes