Addiction Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Addiction puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Addiction

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.

If I was addicted to masturbation and then I got addicted to sex...

Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?

If a guy is addicted to masturbating but then gets addicted to sex...

Is it fair to say his addiction is getting out of hand?

My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...

Guess I won't be needing those anymore.

If I have an addiction to masturbation

And I suddenly develop it into an addiction to sex, does that mean my addiction is getting out of hand?

My struggle with steroid addiction has only made me stronger.

I'm finally 5 years clean!

Having to get a shower every day has been hard - luckily, I've had my heroin addiction to help me through it.

Have you got a Masturbation addiction?

Message me, and we can beat it together

My friend with a cocaine addiction recently quit.

It was the end of the line for him.

My wife said she'll leave me if I don't overcome my poker addiction

but I think she's bluffing

If a guy is addicted to masturbating but then gets addicted to sex,

It's fair to say his addiction got out of hand.

I was reading a book on cocaine addiction the other day

After the first few lines I was hooked.

Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addiction Clinic

I can see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I've gotta say, I'm pretty dissapointed.

I have an addiction to snorting powdered fruit drink mix...

Anybody got a punch line?

A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."

And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

Twitter Addiction

A man tells his doctor, Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, Sorry, I don't follow you."

I have an addiction to having lots of money in my bank account.

Unfortunately, I'm suffering from withdrawals.

I used to have an addiction to masturbation, and then turned it into an addiction to sex

I guess you could say my addiction is now getting out of hand.

Welcome to the plastic surgery addiction support group

I see a lot of new faces around

Why is the Dalai Lama suffering from a gambling addiction?

Because he loves Tibet.

A Priest with a golf addiction...

awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...

Meanwhile, Saint Peter and God are watching the wayward priest, and as he tees off God waves his hand and the ball flies straight and true all the way to the green, bounces once, and goes straight into the hole.

St Pete is confused and asks, "Why didn't you punish him?"

God responds "I did! ....who is he going to tell?"

What does the train use to fuel it's gaming addiction?


I'm so sorry.

A 96 year old man goes to an addictions therapy meeting...

He listens as each person explains their addiction and then its his turn.

"Hello, my name is Bob and I have a sex addiction," he says. "I have sex at least once a day, sometimes two or three times."

"Hello Bob," says the therapist. "Glad you are here. Never too old to get help."

"Help?" says Bob, "I ain't here to get help. I just came to brag!"

My internet addiction is so bad...

Its alt of ctrl.

I heard King Arthur had a sex addiction

He came a lot

I heard there's this new pill that cures addiction.

Hmm, I wonder what two of them will do...

I used to have an addiction to dirt

But I've now been clean for over a year

What do you call a Wookiee with a nicotine addiction?

Chew to' bacca

If you want to break your addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers...

you need to quit cold turkey.

I've got a terrible addiction, I can't stop eating deli meats.

I'm trying to quit cold turkey.

1000 Years.

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven, St. Peter looks upon them and says "Though you are all good men, you have sins to absolve before i can let you enter the great kingdom!" So St. Peter takes them off to purgatory.

The first man had an addiction to sex. St. Peter took this man to a room, inside were hundreds of women fully nude. The man runs in the room excited as can be as St. Peter says " Ill be back in 1000 years to see if you've learned your lesson."
The second man was a serious alcoholic. St. Peter takes this man to his room and inside there was an endless supply of every type of alcohol imaginable. St. Peter says again, "Ill be back in 1000 years to see of you've learned your lesson."

The third man was a chronic pothead. St. Peter takes him to his room, which is filled with endless amounts of marijuana, bongs, and pipes. St. Peter again says, " I'll be back in 1000 years to see if you've learned your lesson."

1000 years pass and St. Peter returns to the first room, the sex addict inside is so releived, and repents. St. Peter allows him into heaven.

The alcohol speeds out the door as St. Peter opens it. He begs for forgiveness and is allowed in.

St. Peter opens the potheads door only to find him joint in one hand pipe in the other, rocking feverishly. The pothead looks up at St. Peter shaking and says " You got a light, man?"

Why did the worker on the egg farm get fired from his job?

Because he had a crack addiction.

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Today I beat my addiction

I'm addicted to my wife.

What's the difference between a collection and an addiction?

I don't have an alcohol collection.

Height of internet addiction

At a funeral in church

A visitor: What's the Wi-Fi password here ?

Priest: Respect the dead.

Visitor: all small letters?

My friends keep questioning me on my mayonnaise addiction....

I said What the Hellman?

Help! My brother has developed an addiction to drinking brake fluid.

Our family is worried but he says it's okay because he can stop whenever he wants.

Twitter addiction

A man goes to his doctor and says:

-Doctor, I think i am addicted to Twitter.

-Eh,sorry...I don't follow you.

My wife got mad at me for my long-term addiction to watching Bruce Willis movies.

I told her old habits die hard

The only addiction I can't beat is jerkin' off


My children's chess addiction is getting out of hand.

But I have managed to keep them in check so far.

My wife left me because of my poker addiction.

It could also be a bluff.

How do southerners speak of addiction recovery?

With drawl

I spent 2 years in rehab for my Phil Collins addiction.

I did it against all odds. Just take a look at me now.

The government say they're going to tackle gambling addiction.

Bet you a tenner they don't.

I once had a crippiling masturbation addiction... i have a sex addiction, could you say my addiction has gotten out of hand?

My friend told me he has a gambling addiction...

,,bet you can't quit"

They say that one in every seven friends has a gambling addiction.

My money's on Dave.

I've been reading a book about drug addiction

I was hooked after the first few lines.

My addiction to computer gaming started when my family bought a PC in the 90's...

I guess that was my Gateway drug.

My girlfriend is going to leave me...

because of my poker addiction...

I think she's bluffing.

Are you struggling with masturbation addiction? Me too...

You should call me up sometime. We can beat it together.

I used to be addicted to masturbation, but now I'm addicted to sex.

I guess my addiction really got out of hand


Smoking isn't addictive, I've been smoking a pack of cigarettes everyday for the past 21 years and i'm still not addicted.

I think my niece has a burgeoning slip 'n slide addiction

Once you go down one, it's just a slippery slope.

What do you call a British nanny with an MDMA addiction?

Molly Poppins.

How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?

Apply the pumpkin patch.

My gambling addiction must be getting out of hand because I've just lost my wife in a game of poker...

She said "How could you do such a thing, losing your wife in a stupid card game!?"

I replied, "Sorry honey, it was very hard for me at the time."

She said, "What do you mean?"

I replied, "Well, it wasn't easy, folding when I had four aces."

My alcohol addiction was so bad i used to drink hand sanitiser!

Im clean now!

It was really hard for me to get over my addiction to the hokey cokey.

But i've turned myself around, and that's what it's all about.

Are you struggling with masturbation addiction?

Reach out to me and we'll beat it together

Three mothers

Are with their children at a psychologist's office. The psychologist addresses the three mothers, telling them he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to food, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."

And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

What do you call a ninja turtle with an addiction to pastries?


Did you hear about the Brit who had developed a pastry addiction?

He became a total sconer

I've been battling my addiction to thanksgiving leftovers for over a decade now.

It's hard to quit cold turkey.

What is easy to get into, but hard to get out of?


To combat drug addiction, Christians are now rebranding herion as "Jesus"

One should never take the Lord's name in vein.

I have a masturbation addiction.

I really need to get a grip on myself.

One of my players only plays lawful good female characters

I think he might have a heroine addiction.

My girlfriend just broke up with me, mainly because of my extreme Burger King addiction.

So I said to her "Fine, have it your way."

Do you suffer from an addiction to water?

Can you not live without your water?

Do you try to quit, and come back to drinking water again?

Do you suffer from any of the following withdrawal symptoms when trying to quit?

* Headache?
* Fatigue?
* Dry throat?
* Dry mouth?
* Darker urine?
* Craving more water?
* Hunger?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, please call the water addiction hotline, 1-5-STOP-WATER.

My girlfriend told me I have a gambling addiction

'Wanna bet?'

Agricultural Addiction

There was a young boy in rural Ireland who became absolutely obsessed with tractors. Everything was about tractors. He collected toy ones, he'd go out to the fields to watch them work, and he wanted to be a tractor driver when he grew up.

Eventually the obsession became too much and he began to miss school, so his parents put him into therapy to cure his addiction. He completed his therapy and was back to normal.

Many years later when the man was married with a family, a fire broke out in his kitchen. His wife brought the kids outside away from the flames, while he stood there and blew as hard as he could at the blaze. His wife was aghast. "What are you doing?! We need to get out of here!" she exclaimed. He turned to her calmly and said "Don't worry dear, I'm an ex tractor fan."

A horse walks into a bar.

It was about then the bartender decided he should seek help for his drug addiction.

I have an oxygen addiction

I tried to quit, but after a few minutes I was feeling blue.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes