Addiction Jokes

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.

If I was addicted to m**... and then I got addicted to s**......

Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?

What do you call a Wookiee with a nicotine addiction?

Chew to' bacca

Twitter Addiction

A man tells his doctor, Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, Sorry, I don't follow you."

My internet addiction is so bad...

Its alt of ctrl.

I've got a terrible addiction, I can't stop eating deli meats.

I'm trying to quit cold turkey.

I used to have an addiction to dirt

But I've now been clean for over a year

My struggle with steroid addiction has only made me stronger.

My wife said she'll leave me if I don't overcome my poker addiction

but I think she's bluffing

What does the train use to fuel it's gaming addiction?

Steam.

I'm so sorry.

If I have an addiction to m**...

And I suddenly develop it into an addiction to s**..., does that mean my addiction is getting out of hand?

A 96 year old man goes to an addictions therapy meeting...

He listens as each person explains their addiction and then its his turn.

"Hello, my name is Bob and I have a s**... addiction," he says. "I have s**... at least once a day, sometimes two or three times."

"Hello Bob," says the therapist. "Glad you are here. Never too old to get help."

"Help?" says Bob, "I ain't here to get help. I just came to brag!"

My wife got mad at me for my long-term addiction to watching Bruce Willis movies.

I told her old habits die hard

What's the difference between a collection and an addiction?

I don't have an alcohol collection.

A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."

And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

Twitter addiction

A man goes to his doctor and says:

-Doctor, I think i am addicted to Twitter.

-Eh,sorry...I don't follow you.

Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addiction Clinic

I can see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I've gotta say, I'm pretty dissapointed.

I spent 2 years in rehab for my Phil Collins addiction.

I did it against all odds. Just take a look at me now.

My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...

Guess I won't be needing those anymore.

Have you got a m**... addiction?

Message me, and we can beat it together

Why did the worker on the egg farm get fired from his job?

Because he had a crack addiction.

I have an addiction to snorting powdered fruit drink mix...

Anybody got a punch line?

Today I beat my addiction

I'm addicted to my wife.

I have an addiction to having lots of money in my bank account.

Unfortunately, I'm suffering from withdrawals.

My wife left me because of my poker addiction.

It could also be a bluff.

My friends keep questioning me on my mayonnaise addiction....

I said What the Hellman?

Welcome to the plastic surgery addiction support group

I see a lot of new faces around

I'm finally 5 years clean!

Having to get a shower every day has been hard - luckily, I've had my h**... addiction to help me through it.

I heard there's this new pill that cures addiction.

Hmm, I wonder what two of them will do...

I used to have an addiction to m**..., and then turned it into an addiction to s**...

I guess you could say my addiction is now getting out of hand.

The only addiction I can't beat is jerkin' off

wait...

How do southerners speak of addiction recovery?

With drawl

Height of internet addiction

At a f**... in church

A visitor: What's the Wi-Fi password here ?

Priest: Respect the dead.

Visitor: all small letters?

My friend with a c**... addiction recently quit.

It was the end of the line for him.

Why is the Dalai Lama suffering from a gambling addiction?

Because he loves Tibet.

My children's chess addiction is getting out of hand.

But I have managed to keep them in check so far.

My friend told me he has a gambling addiction...

,,bet you can't quit"

The government say they're going to tackle gambling addiction.

Bet you a tenner they don't.

I was reading a book on c**... addiction the other day

After the first few lines I was hooked.

Help! My brother has developed an addiction to drinking brake fluid.

Our family is worried but he says it's okay because he can stop whenever he wants.

If a guy is addicted to m**... but then gets addicted to s**......

Is it fair to say his addiction is getting out of hand?

‌‌Our w‌‌hole f‌‌amily i‌‌s r‌‌eally w‌‌orried a‌‌bout m‌‌y g‌‌randfather’s V‌‌iagra a‌‌ddiction.

Grandma i‌‌s t‌‌aking i‌‌t p‌‌articularly h‌‌ard.

If a guy is addicted to m**... but then gets addicted to s**...,

It's fair to say his addiction got out of hand.

My wife just left me because of my gambling addiction...

I wonder what the odd are for me winning her back.

How do you call an alcoholic that doesnt admit the addiction?

Jack Denials

My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...

I know where to draw the line...

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"

"Because I have a crippling addiction to alcohol." says the horse.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Girlfriend has broken up with me over my chronic gambling addiction..

.. Desperate to win Her back.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my Poker addiction.

I think she's bluffing.

i asked my therapist: can you cure my b**... addiction?

he said: "i wish i can help you but my hands are tied"

Gambling addiction hotlines would be so much better if...

Every fifth caller was a winner.

I just can't stop ogling at hot 18 year olds dressed in nothing but p**....

I could say I've a knicker teen addiction.

Why did the duck go to the rehab center?

It had an addiction to quack.

I don't have a c**... addiction.

I just like the way it smells.

Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day,

Teach a man to fish and he'll develop an addiction to buying fishing supplies he'll use once every few months.

Anyone know a cure for s**... addiction?

I've tried f***ing everything

I have an addiction to making references to random Bruce Willis movie titles. People have tried to help me stop but you know what they say. Old habits...

Pulp Fiction

My wife left me because of my poker addiction.

I for sure thought she was bluffing.

Do you know why the duck went to narcotics anonymous?

He had a quack addiction.

I have a m**... addiction

But I'm beating it

My wife and I do a lot of mating.

I think we may have a chess addiction.

My addiction to Helium is out of control, but...

no one is taking my cries for help seriously.

My wife is fed up with my constant stream jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!"

I chuckled, "No it doesn't!"

I have an addiction to brake fluid.

The good news is I can stop anytime I want.

My wife gave me an ultimatum.

It was her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

In an attempt to break his addiction...

In an attempt to break his addiction, a chronic masturbator decides to buy a whiteboard and start tallying the days since he last j**... off. After a successful day, the man grabs a marker and draws two tallies, but realizing it had only been one day, he takes his hand and rubs one out.

My friend told me he's worried about his guitar playing addiction.

I told him don't fret.

Studies show that one out of every six friends have a gambling addiction

My money is on Peter

hello, and welcome to the plastic surgery addiction meeting

im seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd, and i must say im disappointed.

My herbal addiction is getting out of control. Rosemary, Sage, anything to get that herbal hit. When the money ran out I raided the garden, that's cleared out now. Some friends have been lending me some of theirs, but it's not enough to keep me going.

I'm just living on borrowed thyme.

I just found out my co-worker has a computer addiction

It's getting ALT of CTRL

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction

But I know I can win her back

My girlfriend said, I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.

I said, Wait! I can change.

I got hospitalized for my SpongeBob addiction.

They put me in the Squid ward.

What's the worst part of an apple addiction?

You can't see a doctor about it.

My wife is worried about my m**... addiction.

I admit, I needed her help.

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

After several visits to the doctor's I've finally been referred to rehab for spending all my days smoking drugs and looking up jokes about cheese.

Hopefully I can kick my addiction to m**... and feta memes.

I used to have an addiction to ham.

But now I'm cured.