Added Jokes

What are some Added jokes?

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect..

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

I said to my parents, "Mom, dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."

"Okay, that's fine." they replied.

I added, "Your luggage is outside."

That's a nice sham you've got there...

It'd be a shame if somebody

added an e

[Dirty] Some more dirt was mysteriously added to my garden last night...

The plot thickens

My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…

So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she's sangria then ever…

I added Paul Walker on Xbox,

but he spends all his time on the dashboard.

if you added the letters S and E to the X files

it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lol

His original name was John Kennedy

They added the F later to pay respects

Did you know that Irish only put 239 beans in their chili??

If they added just one more, it would be too-farty!

I added Paul Walker as a friend on Xbox live

But all he ever does is hangout on the dashboard.

Wife calls her scientist husband...

"Honey.. Its Saturday.. you're late..."

"I'm busy with my team in an experiment"

"Whats that?"

"We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambiant temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine...
It's 4 or 5 round experiment.. So I will be late."

"Oh dear.. I won't disturb you. Take your time.."

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven . . .

"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49."



"49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83."



"How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks.



"We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.

"Son, I have some good news and some bad news."

"OK..." he hesitated.

"Well, the good news is...I got you a replacement hamster." I said.

"A...replacement..?" he stopped, as a tear ran down his cheek.

"Yes, and that leads me to the bad news," I added, "You are adopted."

There once was a man named Brent

He made poems wherever he went

The poems were fine

But on the very last line

He added too many syllables

I knew someone had added dirt to my garden.

And so, the plot thickens

Fascinate

Teacher: Can anyone use the word "fascinate" in a sentence?

Billy: I was fascinated by the sunrise.

Teacher: Good, but "fascinated" is past tense. Can anyone else try?

Suzie: It was fascinating to see the flowers grow.

Teacher: Good, Suzie, but you added an "ing" at the end of the word and made it an adjective. I just want to hear the verb "fascinate".

Ernie: Yo mama got a blouse with 12 buttons on it...but she so fat, she can only fascinate!

A man was walking along the beach with his mother-in-law...

She was complaining about how much of a good-for-nothing husband he was to her daughter, when he saw a bottle on the ground. He picked it up, wondering what it was, when a genie popped out. The genie told the man he could make 3 wishes, but when he saw the mother-in-law, said whatever the man got, the mother-in-law would get double. The man thought for a while and agreed. "I would like 1 million dollars," the man said. "Your wish is granted," said the genie. 1 million dollars was added to the man's banking account, and 2 million to the mother-in-law's. She starts complaining, "Thanks a lot, now I'll have to manage all this money, why do you have to be so selfish?!" The next wish was for a large house, and that wish was granted. This meant the mother-in-law would have a house twice as big, and started complaining about how she would have to clean such a large house, and the taxes would be expensive.
For the man's final wish, he wished to be beaten half to death.

A funny joke indeed

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

Just added Paul Walker on xbox,

Shame he's always on the dashboard tho.

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

I Added Paul Walker on Xbox Live

We never really get around to playing games though, he's always just stuck on the dashboard.

My Favorite Limerick

There once was a fellow McSweeney

Who put some gin on his weenie

Just to be couth

He added vermouth

And slipped his girlfriend a martini

Smart Boy

In a Store a man asked for 1/2 packet of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only full packs were available in the Store,

but the man insisted on buying only 1/2.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 pack of butter .

To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him..!

So the boy added immediately, And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!! .

After the customer left, the manager said You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?

To this the boy said, I come from Brazil. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!!

The manager replied coldly, My wife is also from Brazil .

To this the boy asked excitedly, Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?

What did phenolphthalein do when he couldn't understand his Chemistry homework?

He just added Acetic Acid until it became clear.

A NUN and A SOLDIER (x-post)

A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked,

"Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the Military Police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister You see, I don't want to go to war to Syria. .

The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Syria either!

Internet went down last night

My neighbour added a password

Why do the Irish only put two hundred and thirty nine beans in their chili?

Because if they added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

A psychiatrist is testing his patients

He asks the first one "what is 4+2?" The patient replies "potato"

The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.

He asks the second one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "5000"

The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.

He asks the third one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "6"

The doctor is impressed. "That's correct! you're making progress. how did you figure it out?"

The patient replies, "well doctor i just added potato + 5000 and got 6"

I just added Princess Diana to my xbox friends list.

I don't think she has any games though, all she does is spend all day on the dashboard...

The best days of my life.....

An Inspirational speaker said:
"The best days of my life were the days I spent with another man's wife".
Audience were in shock and silence.
He added: "and she is my mother".
A big round of applause and laughter followed.
One Man who listened to the speech decided to crack this at home.
At dinner, he said to his wife: the best days of my life were the days I spent with another man's wife....
After a moment he tried to recall the second line......
By the time he regained his senses, he was on hospital bed, recovering from burns of hot soup poured by his wife.
MORAL LESSON: Don't copy if you cannot paste.

The Greek Prime Minister visits the Spanish Prime Minister.

The Spanish PM invites the Greek PM to his house.
"Wow! This is magnificent! How can you afford this amazing household when your country is in so much debt?? I see you've even added on so much to it!" says the Greek PM.
"Look out that window. Do you see that bridge? I had a 10 million euro budget to build a four lane, two way bridge. Instead, I built a one lane bridge with traffic lights on either end, for half as much" responded the Spanish PM.
"And the other 5 million?" asked the Greek PM.
The Spanish PM gestured to the add ons to his house.
The next week, the Spanish PM was invited to the Greek PM's house.
"This....this is amazing....how can you afford such a gorgeous mansion with so much debt in Greece??" asked the Spanish PM.
"Look out te window. Do you see that bridge?" asked the Greek PM.
"No." Said the Spanish PM.
The Greek PM just smiled.

My wife asks Alexa at least once a day - sometimes multiple times - what's the weather?

I just added a routine to make Alexa respond "you've got windows, don't you?"

And now we wait.

(Not really a joke but I'm giggling with anticipation)

An old man confesses a sin

An old man entered a confessional one morning and immediately informed the priest on duty that he was 87 years old.

"I was completely faithful to my wife for 64 years, until last night," he told the priest, "I was propositioned by two college girls and I took them up on it."

"We did it twice," he added proudly.

"I understand," the priest replied, "How long has it been since your last confession?"

"Never. I'm Jewish."

"Then why are you telling me this?"

"I'm telling everybody!"

You heard about the guy that added 3, 20, and 46?

The Summer of 69

John F. Kenndy's birth name was John Kennedy

The f was added to pay respect

The Military decided to build a new supersonic airplane.

It looked great on paper so a few prototypes were commissioned. They came out looking great except whenever it took flight, the wings would fall off. And no matter how much reinforcement the design team added to the wings, they would tear off at the exact same place every single time.
They decided to hire an expert to sort out this problem. His solution was to drill little holes all along the line where the wings usually broke off. The designers were skeptical but did as was recommended. A test flight proved that this solution worked; the wings wouldn't tear off anymore, under any circumstances. They were thrilled the solution worked, but couldn't understand why or how. The expert explained to them that nothing ever tears along the perforation.

Eggs have recently been added to the endangered species list

Due to excessive poaching.

A kid asks his mother about his cousins...

"Mommy, why is my cousin named Rose?"

The mother replied, "Because your aunt loves roses."

The boy replies, "What about my other cousin, Daisy?"

"Your aunt also loved daisies." The mother added calmly.

"So why is my name-"

The mother interjects, "Be quiet and eat your dinner, Dickie!"

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES**

- Very Reactive
- Highly Unstable
- Possesses Strong Affinity towards Gold, Silver, Diamond, Platinum, Credit cards, Debit cards & Cheque books
- Money Reducing Agent


**OCCURRENCE**

- Mostly found in front of the Mirror.
- It's highly flammable when mixed with in-laws.
- It has mixed properties when seated with parents.
- Very harmful to you if she sees you with any element similar to itself!

A rabbit and a bear are walking down a road

when they found a genie's lamp. After rubbing it, a genie popped out and told them that they each get three wishes.
"I want every woman in the world," the bear asked first.
" I want a helmet," said the rabbit.
" Actually, I wish for every attractive female in the universe," the bear said for his second wish.
"I also want a motorcycle," asked the rabbit.
" No, I want every beautiful women that had ever existed," the bear said for his final wish.
The rabbit, already revving up his motorcycle, added: "I wish the bear was gay," and drove off.

The Soldier and the Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked,

"Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officers ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either!

That's a nice sham you've set up

It'd be a shame if someone....



added an e

The Greeks invented threesomes

The Romans added the women

The Blonde Astronaut

One day three female astronauts, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, had a few drinks in a bar to celebrate their accomplishments. The brunette said, "We should be proud that we were the first female astronauts to land on the moon." The redhead said, "And we should be proud that we were the first astronauts to walk on Mars." The blonde added, "And we should be proud that someday we'll be the first astronauts to fly to the sun." "Don't be ridiculous," said the brunette. "If we got within a 100-mile radius of the sun, we would burn up and die!" The blonde replied, "I know, that's why we'll go at night, I'm not that stupid!"

I was watching a french man make a cake...

I admired his enthusiasm. He grabbed the flour, added it to the bowl, and started adding the wet ingredients. Intrigued about his recipe, I asked "hey man, how many eggs did you use for your cake?"

The French man replied, "un oeuf."

I posted a question about the brightest star in the night sky, but all I got were joke replies.

Should've added the [Sirius] tag.

When my son learned about prime numbers, he told me that the Pledge of Allegiance would be better if we added three more states

Because 53 is indivisible.

My son was depressed because of his obesity. "Trust me," I told him, "skinny people get down too."

"Unless you're on a see-saw with them," I added.

I was in the gym.

"1,2,3,4," counted my personal trainer, as I panted.

"Come on," he added, "Now we've got you down the stairs, we can do a workout!"

I saw a woman smoking in front of her little girl.

I said, "You aren't exactly being a responsible parent, are you?"

"If you had children you would understand," she replied.

"I do," I added, "They're in the park somewhere."

We all felt euphoric once I added sharks to the pool inside my house...

That's because the pool was full of indoor-fins.

PLEASE HELP! i need some shoe related jokes.

yes that's right. if anyone can give me some jokes related to shoes it would be greatly appreciated. would be an added bonus if they could somehow be related to exercise as well.

thanks in advance
lots of love from dwek

One day there was a fire in a wastebasket in the office of the Dean of Sciences. In rushed a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician.

The physicist immediately starts to work on how much energy would have to be removed from the fire to stop the combustion.
The chemist works on which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation.
While they are doing this, the statistician is setting fires to all the other wastebaskets in the office. "What are you doing?" the others demand. The statistician replies, "Well, to solve the problem, you obviously need a larger sample size."

Its getting a lot easier to un-lock phones these days

Now that they've added facial recognition you don't need to lift a finger!

My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy

So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.

19 talked trash about 20 and they got into a fight

Although 19 was in its prime, 21, which was odd, and so they became even.


I saw a similar joke on this thread, just added some stuff to it.

My dad text me saying, "Don't try to be someone you're not."

It hurt when he added, "Oops, forgot the comma after 'someone'."

Three cats are crossing a river.

One of them is called "One Two Three"
The second is called " Un deux trois"
The third is called "Ein zwei"
What is the order of them crossing?

So One Two Three gets to the other side first because the Un Deux Trois cat sank.

But the Ein Zwei cat is still drei because it has a vier of the water.

Not my own joke, just added the extra cat.

Office Presentation

The boss wanted to start my presentation with a joke....
So I added a picture of my salary.

I wrote a research paper on tuberculosis titled TB

Instead of a grade next to the title he just added a D.

So I guess that means it's still to be decided....

I bought a clock, and then the big hand broke off it...

I didn't want to throw it away, so I just added "ish" to every number.

What did the snowman eat for breakfast?

Frosted snow flakes.

My 4.5 y/o son came up with this joke, but his punch line was "snow flakes". I added the "frosted". Teamwork.

Came up with this on the spot tonight

Two rocks walk into a bar. They sit down and the bartender asks them what they would like. One rock, speaking for the both of them says "we'll have two pints please". Astounded by this, the second rock exclaims "Pints?!" He turns to the bartender and tells him "two quartz".

If I got added to the ISS

It would be ISIS.

After that whole ring fiasco, Gandalf was in the Shire talking to Merry and Pippen..

"So, you went through the dark forest and met my friends the tree hearders. The Ents. Tell me about your journey."

Merry began. "They were all so big and mean and full of energy. All they did was rant and insult us!"

"Most of them, yes!" added Pippen. "Then we met old Gnarly Bark and his friends. They were much more sedate and relaxed. In fact, they told us so many funny stories and jokes."

Gandalf smiled, smoking his pipe. "I guess you could say their Bark was worse than their bite."

I showed up to my girlfriend's house.

She said, "Why, don't you look nice!?"

I said, "Thanks."

"It wasn't a compliment." she added.

What happened when Apple added the new touchbar?

They're taking away functions, and there's no escape.

Three questions to a lawyer . . .

A man called up a lawyer and asked: How much would you charge to answer three questions?

The lawyer thinks for a moment and said: Two thousand dollars plus tax.

TWO THOUSAND! cries the man. That's a bit expensive, isn't it?

Yes, I suppose it is, said the lawyer. After thinking a moment longer, he added: So what's your third question?

Nice ham you got there!

It would be a shame if someone added an 'S' and an 'E'

I added a zero to my paycheck today!

Zero plus zero is still zero...

A new bishop was visiting the homes in the ward

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.


Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "revelation 3:20" on the back of the card and stuck it in the door.

The following Sunday he found that his card had been returned under his office door. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."


Reaching for his Bible to check out the verse, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Edit, jokes are hard when i am drinking

I told my gf she'd look hotter with her hair back.

Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

I don't know why she's so upset, I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend.

She has her whole life to get her hair back, I only have 153 days until Valentine's Day.

(Combined 2 jokes I heard plus added the last part).

Not to brag, but I've already had two pretty sweet dates this weekend

I'm surprised how much they added to my smoothie.

50 shades of grey is a genius title but had they thought about it

They should have added 19 more shades

I put all my fish in their new tank, but they don't seem to be liking it very much.

Perhaps I should have added water.

So Donald Trump is standing on the nearly completed US-Mexican wall...

President Trump is standing on the US-Mexico border, next to his nearly completed border wall.

Alongside him is the president of Mexico who is smiling and looking genuinely pleased.

**Trump**:Β  I have just added the final brick onto the wall so it is now complete. What are you smiling about.

**Mexican President**:Β  I'm just really happy that you decided to build this beautiful wall.

**Trump**:Β  Why?

**Mexican President**:Β  Because you are in Mexico at the moment.

Did you here about the two faces being added to MT. Rushmore?

Barack Obama!

I decided to treat my girlfriend.

"Since I know how much you like One Direction," I assured her, "I thought you might like to see them."

"Oh my goodness!" she squealed, "Did you get me tickets to their concert??!?!?"

"No, but they are on that poster over there....." I added.

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