added Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious added stories

What are the best Added puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Added? Well here is a complete list of Added to have fun with:

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect..

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

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Two great white sharks . . .

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.


"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."


And they did.


"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."


And they did.


"Now we eat everybody."


And they did.


When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"


His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"

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You have some explaining to do...

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

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A lawyer dies and goes to heaven . . .

"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49."



"49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83."



"How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks.



"We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.

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St. Peter and the Lawyer

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. There must be some mistake, the lawyer argues. I'm too young to die. I'm only fifty five. Fifty five? says Saint Peter. No, according to out calculations, you're eighty two. How's you get that? the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: We added up your time sheets.

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My Favorite Limerick

There once was a fellow McSweeney

Who put some gin on his weenie

Just to be couth

He added vermouth

And slipped his girlfriend a martini

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What did the masochist say? [nsfw]

A zoophile, a sadist, a necrophiliac and a masochist were hanging out at the park when the zoophile suddenly blurted out:

"Where do you find a cat around here? I really want to fuck a cat right now."

"Well," said the sadist, "When you are done with fucking the cat, let me strangle the life out of it."

Not to be left out, the necrophiliac added: "And when you are done killing the cat, let me fuck it!"

After hearing what the others have said, the masochist uttered a single word: *Meow*.

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What did phenolphthalein do when he couldn't understand his Chemistry homework?

He just added Acetic Acid until it became clear.

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The Military decided to build a new supersonic airplane.

It looked great on paper so a few prototypes were commissioned. They came out looking great except whenever it took flight, the wings would fall off. And no matter how much reinforcement the design team added to the wings, they would tear off at the exact same place every single time.
They decided to hire an expert to sort out this problem. His solution was to drill little holes all along the line where the wings usually broke off. The designers were skeptical but did as was recommended. A test flight proved that this solution worked; the wings wouldn't tear off anymore, under any circumstances. They were thrilled the solution worked, but couldn't understand why or how. The expert explained to them that nothing ever tears along the perforation.

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What's your best limerick?

There once was a fellow McSweeny

Who spilled some gin on his weenie

Just to be couth

He added vermouth

Then slipped his girlfriend a martini

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PLEASE HELP! i need some shoe related jokes.

yes that's right. if anyone can give me some jokes related to shoes it would be greatly appreciated. would be an added bonus if they could somehow be related to exercise as well.

thanks in advance
lots of love from dwek

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What did the snowman eat for breakfast?

Frosted snow flakes.

My 4.5 y/o son came up with this joke, but his punch line was "snow flakes". I added the "frosted". Teamwork.

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Came up with this on the spot tonight

Two rocks walk into a bar. They sit down and the bartender asks them what they would like. One rock, speaking for the both of them says "we'll have two pints please". Astounded by this, the second rock exclaims "Pints?!" He turns to the bartender and tells him "two quartz".

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I bought a clock, and then the big hand broke off it...

I didn't want to throw it away, so I just added "ish" to every number.

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A new bishop was visiting the homes in the ward

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.


Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "revelation 3:20" on the back of the card and stuck it in the door.

The following Sunday he found that his card had been returned under his office door. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."


Reaching for his Bible to check out the verse, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Edit, jokes are hard when i am drinking

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Did you here about the two faces being added to MT. Rushmore?

Barack Obama!

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An Experiment Was Done on a Frog

An experiment was done on a frog.

One limb was cut off from the frog.

"Jump," said the scientist. And frog leaped across the table.

"One limb gone: the frog was still able to jump," the scientist wrote on his paper.

Then he cut off another limb.
"Jump," he commanded.

The frog still jumped.

"Two limbs gone: the frog was still able to jump," the scientist added to his paper.

Then once again he cut off another limb and comanded, "Jump!"

Again, the frog was still able to jump.

"Three limbs gone: the frog was still able to jump," he wrote on the paper.

Then he proceeded on cutting off the final limb.

"Jump," he commanded. The frog didn't move.
He tried again. "Jump!" he commanded with a louder tone. Still no response from the frog.

"All limbs gone: the frog went deaf," he added on his paper.

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If they added a penis mod to Minecraft...

Wouldn't it be called a cock-block?

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A poster at the door of a church said, "If you are tired of your sins, come in."

Someone used lipstick to write her number beneath it and added "Call me, if not."

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I farted in a room full a hipsters...

Just to see them fight over who smelt it first.

If a hipster falls, and no one is around, does it make a sound?

Yes...but you've probably never heard it.

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The perfect Irish bean stew

(In an Irish accent)
Why does d' perfect Irish stew require exactly two hundred n' terty nine beans?

Because if you added one more it'd be two farty.

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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs?

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the porch?

Matt

How about in water?

Bob

lol, just found this sub sorry if repost but hot damn you fuckers are funny

ninja

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What did the author say when he added a chapter about flour to a story about soup?

The plot thickens!

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How Worcestershire Sauce got its name

In the late 1800s in New Orleans a chef in a restaurant had just whipped up a concoction to be applied to meat and he asked a waiter to take it out to a well-lubed patron for a test. The diner was of course most agreeable and added quite a bit of it to his cut of beef. Upon tasting it, he rather liked it and turned around to hail the waiter by clumsily calling out, "Hey, whorsh diss'here sauce??", and so the name was thereupon given.

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Facebook must have added a new feature last night.

Because the language is set back 60 years today.

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How did Giles Corey feel about his new diet?

He added a couple of extra pounds and was crushed.

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One time, M Night Shyalaman poured me a drink.

Then just before he gave it to me, he added some lemon.

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I just added Sasha Grey on my FB recently...

It feels weird not seeing her take a dick in any of her pictures.

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Dont copy my joke if u cannot paste it within correct timing;)

Absolute Classic!!!

An inspirational speaker said:
The Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife.

Audience were in shock and silence.

He added: She was my mother

A big round of applause & laughter followed!
.
.
.
A very daring husband tried to crack this at home.

After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen:

The Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife

Standing for a moment, he tried to recall the second line of that inspirational speaker.

By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water!

Moral:
DON'T COPY..
IF U CAN'T PASTE...!!!;)

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New Girlfriend (21)

(*pensively*):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Guinnevere, because I just added the song "Guinnevere" to my favourites playlist.
(*lightheartedly*):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.

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Two women are watching Rugby League

"Great tackle" called out one





"Nice bum, too" added the other

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New Girlfriend (22)

(*pensively*):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Mary Lou, because I just added the song "Hello Mary Lou" to my favourites playlist.
(*lightheartedly*):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.

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NSFW: I just realized that I've never been with a black or middle eastern girl...

So I added them to my fuckit list.

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New Girlfriend (23)

(*pensively*):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Rhonda, because I just added the song "Help Me, Rhonda" to my favourites playlist.
(*lightheartedly*):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.

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Two men meet in the hell

Two men meet in the hell. One of them asked the other - "How did you die?"
"Cold. What about you?", the other guy replied.
"I killed myself because I doubted by faithful wife", first guy replied.

He added, "One night when I returned home from work, I heard some voice other than my wife at the door. I doubted my wife and searched everywhere in the house but could not find anyone. So full of guilt I killed myself".

"Had you opened the refrigerator, our both lives could have been saved" - Second person

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A horse walks into a bar.

Several people get up and leave because they are now aware of the added danger that has been added to the environment.

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what if soy milk is just regular milk....

with added soy sauce

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Told my girlfriend about condoms with serial numbers

She said, "Really, let'go in the room and put one on to see".

So she rolls it on and says, "they're right, it does have a serial number".

"Oh wait, I see they even added the instruction manual"

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New Girlfriend (24)

(*pensively*):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Dawn, because I just added the song "Dawn (Go Away)" to my favourites playlist.
(*lightheartedly*):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.

[**Laugh here**]

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New Girlfriend (25)

(*pensively*):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Charity, because I just added the song "High Charity" to my favourites playlist.
(*lightheartedly*):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.

[**Laugh here**]

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New girlfriend?

(*pensively*):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Leyna, because I just added "All for Leyna" to my favourites playlist.
(*lightheartedly*):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.

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Horrible Joke

One day a genie was freed by an old woman. Like every cliche genie out there, he decided to grant her three wishes as an award.
The old woman first said, "I wish for 100 million dollars."
POOF! 100 million dollars added to her bank account. "Go on," said the genie impatiently. "I don't have all day... probably."
"I want to be young and beautiful, like a princess," the lady demanded.
And POOF! The old woman turned into a pretty young lady.
"Last wish! Choose wisely or else," said the genie.
She looked at her pet cat she was walking. The woman then turned to the genie and asked, "Can you now turn my cat into a handsome man?"
Puzzled, the genie said, "Uhhh.. I thought you would wish for something better..., but turning a cat into a man... that works too."
And finally, POOF! The cat turned into a handsome man.
The man then turned to the woman and suggested, "Shouldn't you have wished you hadn't had me neutered?"

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New girlfriend?

(*pensively*):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Angie, because I just added the song "Angie" to my favourites playlist.
(*lightheartedly*):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.

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New Girlfriend (26)

(*pensively*):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Regina, because I just added the song "Hotel Regina" to my favourites playlist.
(*lightheartedly*):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.
[**Laugh here**]

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Why didn't the Irishman add another bean?

He stopped at 239 because if he added another one it would be 'too farty'. It would've been funnier if I could do an Irish accent.

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I almost called my teacher "mom"...

**...but I caught myself after "mo" and added an "n." I had to pretend I was Jamaican for the rest of the year**.

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New procedure

The hospital in my town is becoming pretty progressive and added a new procedure targeted towards transgender women, it's called addadicktome.

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New Girlfriend (27)

(*pensively*):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Amber, because I just added the song "In Amber Clad" to my favourites playlist.
(*lightheartedly*):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.
[**Laugh here**]

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New Girlfriend (3)

(*pensively*):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Anna, because I just added the song "Anna (Go to Him)" to my favourites playlist.
(*lightheartedly*):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.

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New Girlfriend (4)

(*pensively*):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Barbara, because I just added the song "Barbara Ann" to my favourites playlist.
(*lightheartedly*):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best added jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty added gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these added jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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