Fun-Filled Added Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
PLEASE HELP! i need some shoe related jokes.
yes that's right. if anyone can give me some jokes related to shoes it would be greatly appreciated. would be an added bonus if they could somehow be related to exercise as well.
thanks in advance
lots of love from dwek
A man was walking along the beach with his mother-in-law...
She was complaining about how much of a good-for-nothing husband he was to her daughter, when he saw a bottle on the ground. He picked it up, wondering what it was, when a genie popped out. The genie told the man he could make 3 wishes, but when he saw the mother-in-law, said whatever the man got, the mother-in-law would get double. The man thought for a while and agreed. "I would like 1 million dollars," the man said. "Your wish is granted," said the genie. 1 million dollars was added to the man's banking account, and 2 million to the mother-in-law's. She starts complaining, "Thanks a lot, now I'll have to manage all this money, why do you have to be so selfish?!" The next wish was for a large house, and that wish was granted. This meant the mother-in-law would have a house twice as big, and started complaining about how she would have to clean such a large house, and the taxes would be expensive.
For the man's final wish, he wished to be beaten half to death.
A funny joke indeed
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was n**...."
My Favorite Limerick
There once was a fellow McSweeney
Who put some gin on his w**...
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
And slipped his girlfriend a martini
A lawyer dies and goes to heaven . . .
"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49."
"49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83."
"How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks.
"We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.
What did phenolphthalein do when he couldn't understand his Chemistry homework?
He just added Acetic Acid until it became clear.
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect..
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
Internet went down last night
My neighbour added a password
Fascinate
Teacher: Can anyone use the word "fascinate" in a sentence?
Billy: I was fascinated by the sunrise.
Teacher: Good, but "fascinated" is past tense. Can anyone else try?
Suzie: It was fascinating to see the flowers grow.
Teacher: Good, Suzie, but you added an "ing" at the end of the word and made it an adjective. I just want to hear the verb "fascinate".
Ernie: Yo mama got a blouse with 12 b**... on it...but she so fat, she can only fascinate!
Did you know that Irish only put 239 beans in their chili??
If they added just one more, it would be too-f**...!
"Son, I have some good news and some bad news."
"OK..." he hesitated.
"Well, the good news is...I got you a replacement hamster." I said.
"A...replacement..?" he stopped, as a tear ran down his cheek.
"Yes, and that leads me to the bad news," I added, "You are adopted."
You can explore added extra reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean added addition dad jokes. There are also added puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A kid asks his mother about his cousins...
"Mommy, why is my cousin named Rose?"
The mother replied, "Because your aunt loves roses."
The boy replies, "What about my other cousin, Daisy?"
"Your aunt also loved daisies." The mother added calmly.
"So why is my name-"
The mother interjects, "Be quiet and eat your dinner, Dickie!"
I just added Princess Diana to my xbox friends list.
I don't think she has any games though, all she does is spend all day on the dashboard...
I saw a woman smoking in front of her little girl.
I said, "You aren't exactly being a responsible parent, are you?"
"If you had children you would understand," she replied.
"I do," I added, "They're in the park somewhere."
Just added Paul Walker on xbox,
Shame he's always on the dashboard tho.
I was in the gym.
"1,2,3,4," counted my personal trainer, as I panted.
"Come on," he added, "Now we've got you down the stairs, we can do a workout!"
Some more dirt was mysteriously added to my garden last night...
The plot thickens
That's a nice sham you've got there...
It'd be a shame if somebody
added an e
There once was a man named Brent
He made poems wherever he went
The poems were fine
But on the very last line
He added too many syllables
I knew someone had added dirt to my garden.
And so, the plot thickens
Wife calls her scientist husband...
"Honey.. Its Saturday.. you're late..."
"I'm busy with my team in an experiment"
"Whats that?"
"We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambiant temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine...
It's 4 or 5 round experiment.. So I will be late."
"Oh dear.. I won't disturb you. Take your time.."
if you added the letters S and E to the X files
it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lol
I added Paul Walker on Xbox,
but he spends all his time on the dashboard.
I posted a question about the brightest star in the night sky, but all I got were joke replies.
Should've added the [Sirius] tag.
I Added Paul Walker on Xbox Live
We never really get around to playing games though, he's always just stuck on the dashboard.
My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy
So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she's sangria then ever…
I said to my parents, "Mom, dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."
"Okay, that's fine." they replied.
I added, "Your luggage is outside."
I added Paul Walker as a friend on Xbox live
But all he ever does is hangout on the dashboard.
We all felt euphoric once I added sharks to the pool inside my house...
That's because the pool was full of indoor-fins.
My son was depressed because of his obesity. "Trust me," I told him, "skinny people get down too."
"Unless you're on a see-saw with them," I added.
I was watching a french man make a cake...
I admired his enthusiasm. He grabbed the flour, added it to the bowl, and started adding the wet ingredients. Intrigued about his recipe, I asked "hey man, how many eggs did you use for your cake?"
The French man replied, "un oeuf."
Its getting a lot easier to un-lock phones these days
Now that they've added f**... recognition you don't need to lift a finger!
You heard about the guy that added 3, 20, and 46?
The Summer of 69
My dad text me saying, "Don't try to be someone you're not."
It hurt when he added, "Oops, forgot the comma after 'someone'."
That's a nice sham you've set up
It'd be a shame if someone....
added an e
My wife asks Alexa at least once a day - sometimes multiple times - what's the weather?
I just added a routine to make Alexa respond "you've got windows, don't you?"
And now we wait.
(Not really a joke but I'm giggling with anticipation)
The Greeks invented threesomes
The Romans added the women
Eggs have recently been added to the endangered species list
Due to excessive poaching.
Why do the Irish only put two hundred and thirty nine beans in their chili?
Because if they added just one more bean, it would be too f**...!
His original name was John Kennedy
They added the F later to pay respects
When my son learned about prime numbers, he told me that the Pledge of Allegiance would be better if we added three more states
Because 53 is indivisible.
John F. Kenndy's birth name was John Kennedy
The f was added to pay respect
Did you know that JFK only had 2 names?
The F was added to pay respects.
I was sat opposite a girl yesterday, for the life of me I couldn't remember her name.
I decided to just be honest and tell her, "I'm sorry but what was your name again".
"Jessica" she said. "Do you have trouble remembering girls names" she added in a wry way.
"Only the ugly ones" I blurted out.
Anyway to cut a long story short I didn't get the job.
Trump reportedly asked to be added to Mount Rushmore
Turns out granite isn't a dense enough material to represent him
But what he really wants ...
While my mother was pregnant with me, my parents warned my three-year-old brother not to get his heart set on either a brother or a sister, as they didn't know what I would be. He seemed to understand but added this caveat: "Well, if it's a dog, I hope it's a Boxer".
I added Paul Walker on XBOX
But he spends all his time on the dashboard.
I'm going to h**... over this.
How Long is a Chinese Name
Now read the title again, without that question mark you added.
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor started asking her all the usual questions about her symptoms when she interrupted him, Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking at them.
She smugly added "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep.
My wife has been trying to teach our son sign language
I was skeptical at first because she started so young, but he is starting to catch on. Without a word I watched her ask if he was all done or wanted more food during dinner. He tapped his fingers together, signaling he would like more food. I sat in disbelief as she added more food to his plate. It's so amazing that, at just 13 months old, he can already get my wife to stop talking.
the inventor of the revolving door looked at a perfectly normal door and boldly asked "what if i added social anxiety?"
if i go too slow? surely everyone behind me hates me.
too fast? everyone behind me is in danger.
perfect invention.
let's put them in the busiest buildings.
A girl added me and sent me a picture of herself
She looked so much like someone who would judge me based of my appearance so i blocked her.
Cut toxic people out of your life because you deserve better (:
Greeks invented s**...
The italians added women to it
A lawyer dies and ends up in h**....
There must be some mistake, the lawyer argues. I'm too young to die. I'm only 42 years old!
Just 42? That doesn't sound right. says Satan.
The lawyer says, "Thank you so much, this must be some kind of mix up."
"Ah, here we have it," says Satan. "According to our calculations you're 97 years old."
"Where did you get that number from?" asks the lawyer.
Satan says, "We added up your time sheets."
When they fell in love, they carved their initials into a tree.
When they got married, they added a year. And for each kid, initials and a year. Then finally one day, while camping under the tree, it fell and killed them all. Which goes to show that karma's a birch.
My dad wronged me...
I brought home a test score of 90 and showed it to my dad. I thought he would praise me for it, but my dad took one look at the test script and said I added the "0" there. I got a big scolding and was grounded for the week. I really didn't add the "0".
I added the "9".
A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven
When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"
St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."
The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?"
St. Peter responds, "We added up your client billing time sheets."
In first, US added to annual list of 'backsliding' democracies
Apparently US is considered a democracy now
"I heard you slept with my woman," said this guy in the pub.
"You've got the wrong person," I replied.
"So you didn't sleep with her?"
"No, I did." I added. "I'm just saying you need a new girlfriend."
First time in Vegas
I stayed for one night. Checked out in the morning, the bill was $250, and they had added resort fees, and I asked what the heck is that for?! She said the hotel had a pool and internet here and available for use. I said I didnt even use them! She said Well they were here and available and you could've used them.
So I just wrote out a check, but made it out for $50 and handed it to her. She said: Sir this check is for only $50.
I said That's right! I charged you $200 for sleeping with me.
But I didn't! she said.
I said: Well I was here and available, and you could have!
Joe Biden called a press conference, to discuss his meeting with Vladimir Putin…
The good news, is that Mr Putin told me that he wants peace.
After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad news…
A piece of Crimea, a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Finland…
My wife said I added too much lime juice to my homemade salsa and it made her taco taste funny
The odd acidity.
A man has serious a Gas Problem.
Then he came to visit a doctor, saying he has a serious problem, but every time he farts there is no noise and Smell.
Then added " i have f**... 20 times while talking to you"
Then doctor prescribed some medicine and said to visit him after 2 weeks.
After 2 weeks, he came to visit the doctor, saying that the medicine solved one problem. Everytime he farts, it has a serious bad smell, but still no noise. Your medicine didn't work
Then the doctor said, " medicine did worked it solved your nose problem, now i am prescribing new medicine for your hearing problem"
That's a nice ham you got there.
It would be a shame if someone added a 's' at the front, and 'e' at the end of it.
Just added two more doors to our chicken coop
Now it's a chicken sedan
Equally Logical - Jewish parable from 1948
A group of n**... surrounded an elderly Berlin Jew and demanded of him, "Tell us Jew, who caused the war?"
The little Jew was no fool. "The Jews," he said, then added, "and the bicycle riders."
The n**... were puzzled. "Why the bicycle riders?"
"Why the Jews?" answered the little old man.
I have an IQ of 180
I took the test 3 times and added up my scores
A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.
So, watch out for turning women, good drivers. (Edited and improved with necessary comma added.)
Maybe I should have put more mustard on my cheeseburger
In Heinz sight, I should have added more ketchup
My wife asked me if she looked fat in her new dress.
I told her: "You look like a beautiful shining star"
She replied: "Awhh..."
But then I added: "A neutron star" and she slapped me.
I was hoping she was too dense to understand the joke.
The consultant dies and goes to heaven
When he meets Peter at the Gate, he protests:
'I am only 53, why did you take me so early?'
'You're 83, Peter replied, it was time.'
'How did you get that number, I know I am 53 and I have my birth certificate to prove it,' the consultant replied.
'We added up your time sheets', Peter said.'
A lawyer goes to heaven
St Peter meets him at the pearly gates. The lawyer is impressed, but asks "Are you sure it is my time? I'm not that old?"
St Peter says "What do you mean? You're 86 years old."
The lawyer says "No I'm not...I'm only 58. Why do you think I'm 86?"
St Peter says "Well, we just added up all of the hours you've billed to your clients."
There's zero difference between US and European Healthcare....
...well, lots of zeroes...usually added to the end of the bill.
So I arrived at the restaurant……………..
So I arrived at the restaurant a bit early for a family meal.
-"Would you mind waiting for a while?" asked the manager.
"Not at all," I replied.
-"Good," he said.
And then added,
-"Take these 2 Coq au Vins over to the couple by the window, then start clearing tables 4 and 7"
That's a nice ham you have there…
It would be a shame is someone added a 's' and a 'e' to it.
A psychiatrist is testing his patients
He asks the first one "what is 4+2?" The patient replies "potato" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the second one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "5000" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the third one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "6" The doctor is impressed. "That's correct! you're making progress. how did you figure it out?" The patient replies, "well doctor i just added potato + 5000 and got 6"
Two elves are winding down in the North Pole bar after a long day of making toys.
After downing some shots of peppermint schnapps, the first elf says to the second, That COVID outbreak in China has really messed up the toy production schedule. I don't think Santa has ever pushed us so hard! .
The second one added, Yeah, things were so bad today that Rudolph and Blitzen were even called in to work on the assembly line.
The first one got an odd look on his face and said, Well, that explains why those Raisinets I found on the floor tasted so strange.
What word means the same thing with several letters added?
Mailbox
At church one Sunday, a teenager made a contribution to the collection plate by dropping in a coin from his pocket.
As he passed the plate along, someone behind him tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a $20 note. Impressed by the person's generosity, the teenager added the $20 to the collection plate.
But then he received another tap on his shoulder and heard a whisper, "Son, that was your $20. It fell out of your pocket."
How to post the world's best joke here…
Post an average joke, then inevitably a better joke will be added to the comments, steal that joke and post it, take that joke's best comment joke and post it, repeat ad infinitum. Voila the world's best joke guaranteed eventually.
