Add Jokes

What are some Add jokes?

My ADD always beats me when I'm trying to do my homework.

The dyslexia doesn't help either.

When god created man

Gods assistant: Is it done?

God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.

Gods assistant: Why?

God: For furniture.

Gods assistant: Furniture?

God: Believe me it'll be funny

What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn't need to eat.

Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?

He was making up for lost thyme.

Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.

*Wow, thanks! I was expecting a much chilier reception, but your warm comments have kept those fears at bay (that's what you get for encouraging me :)*

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."

And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

Germany opens a summer school for kids with ADD

Its a concentration camp

What's the good part about Naming your child?

That you don't have to add six numbers to make sure the name is available.

If the camera really does add 10 pounds

Do Ethiopian kids even exist?

Do you know what to do if an epileptic has an attack in bath?

Quickly add your laundry.

Where do german parents send their ADD kids?

Concentration Camps

Math jokes never work on me

I have trouble differentiating them. They aren't an integral part of my life and most of the time they just don't add up.

How do Muslims like to make their pizzas spicy?

They add halalapeΓ±o.

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Wanna go for a bike ride?

Whata country..

You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.

He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"

Add a word to ruin a movie:

- Batman Begins College
- The Longest Yard Sale
- Charlottes Web Cam.

Why does everyone add salt to their meals?

It's sodium goooood

You know you're ugly when....

it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
(add your own)

What do racist cannibals like to add to their soup?

A handful of crackers.

What would Mark Zuckerberg add to the game, if he created MineCraft?

Data.

So he can mine it.

"Doctor, everytime I play a table-top role playing game I get really distracted."

Doctor: "Sounds like you may have AD&D"

God finishes creating the man

His angel assistant asks him: "Are we done"?

God says: "Yes. Wait, actually, no. Just add another little toe to his feet."

Assistant: "Why?"

God: "For home furniture."

Assistant: "Furniture?"

God: "Trust me, it's going to be hillarious."

Think of a number 0 to 20.

Add 32 to it, then multiply your answer by 2. Subtract 2. Now close your eyes.

It's dark, isnt it?

I'm curious about the French flag.

When did they add the blue and red stripes?

Not exactly a joke, butthe usually get a great reaction. Caution: not for use with those who lack basic math skills.

Pick a number from 1 to 9, but don't tell me what it is. Multiply that number by 9. If the the result is a two digit number, add the two digits together. Now subtract 5.

Where the letters of the alphabet correspond to the numbers 1 though 26, pick the letter associated with the number you have left. Think of a country that begins with that letter. Take the last letter of the country, and think of an animal that begins with that letter. Take the last letter of the animal, and think of a color that begins with that letter.

Now.... How many orange kangaroos are there in Denmark?

How do you stick things together like Fred Flinstone?

You add a dab of glue.

Why is Irish bean soup made with 239 beans?

Because if you add even one more it gets "2 farty".

A man walks into a bar and orders 11 shots.

The the bartender pours the shots and asks the man what the occasion is. The man says "First time for a blow job today." The bartender congratulated the man and said "For such an occasion, I'll add a 12th shot on the house." The man said "Nah, don't worry about it. If 11 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, 12 won't either."

How do you make one disappear?

Add a G to the beginning and it's gone.

Why do Irish people only put 239 beans in their chili?

If they add one more it would be too farty.

I bought some powdered water

I don't know what to add.

All the girls in my town have a fetish for feet.

Any time I go near one, they add a few more to the restraining order.

A couple after a divorce are at court over who could keep the child.

So the mother goes:" i carried that child for 9 long months and gave birth to it under a lot of pain. I should keep it.

The judge asks the father if he has anything to add.

The father calmly replies:" let me explain this situation with a metaphor; if you walk up to a coca-cola machine, put in a dollar and a coke comes out, does the coke belong to you or the machine?"

Breaking: scientists sneak up on periodic table

And add the element of surprise

God making the human race

Assistant: Is it done?
God: Hmmm, add a little toe.
Assistant: Why?
God: Furniture.
Assistant: Furniture?
God: Believe me, it wil be fun.

Whenever I write a letter to someone, I add a footnote briefly explaining Ohm's law.

It's my P.S. de resistance.

Where do German parents send their children with ADD for the Summer?

Concentration Camp

How many people with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Want to play ping pong?

Two men are painting a church.

They are painting it blue.

They get about 1/2 way done, and realize they are running out of paint. So they add a little thinner to make it stretch.

The job got 3/4 of the way done, and they are thinking that it's still not going to be enough paint. So they add more thinner.

They get the job done and stand back to look at their work. Not surprising though is that the church is one shade of blue on one end and another shade of blue on the other.

Suddenly, the skies darken and lightning strikes! A booming voice comes from the clouds and says, "REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"

A dog walks into a telegraph office

He goes up to the counter and asks to send a message. It reads "woof, woof, woof." The lady says you know, for the same price, you could add another woof.

The dog gives her a confused look and says "but that would make no sense!"

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look great?

Add a nipple.

These passengers are sitting on a plane...

These passengers are sitting on a plane when the pilot comes over the speaker and says *"We're sorry ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has gone out, but not to worry because we can make the rest of the flight on three engines. It will just take an extra hour."*
A little while later, the pilot comes on again and says *"A second engine has gone out but not to worry, we can make it on two engines. It will just add another 2 hours."*
Against all odds, the pilot comes on again and says *"We are sorry, but another engine has gone out. Not to worry though, we can make it on just one engine. It will just add 3 hours to the trip."*
At this point, one passenger turns to another and says
*"If that fourth engine goes out, we'll be up here forever!"*

I always give 100% in everything I do

Donating blood now, can't wait to add this to the list of thi

My calculator stopped working and I don't know why...

It just doesn't add up.

What do you do with an epileptic child having a seizure in your bathtub?

Add your dirty clothes and soap.

A dog goes into the post office to send a telegram

A dog goes into the post office to send a telegram. The guy behind the counter asks him,

"What do you want it to say?"

"WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF"

The telegram guy says,

"I see you only have 9 woofs there. If you didn't know, anything up to 10 words is the same price! Would you like me to add an extra 'WOOF' on there for you?"

The dog looks at him, confused, and says,

"But then it wouldn't make any sense!"

- Norm McDonald

A long time ago, a father, visiting America from Europe for...

...the very first time, went up and down the aisles with his son-in-law at the local store.

He constantly asked questions about products he saw: "Vas diss? Powdered orange juice?"

"Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh 'orange juice.'"

A few minutes later, in a different aisle: "Und vas dis? Powdered milk?"

"Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!"

A few minutes later, in a different aisle: "Und give a look here! Baby Powder! Vat a country, vat a country!"

How to add extra fun during your amusement park ride ?

Carry some extra nuts and bolts with you.

as soon as the ride begins, Tap on the shoulder of the guy in front of you. Show them the nuts and bolts and ask

"Are these from your seat ? "

Where do Jewish kids go when they are diagnosed with ADD?

Concentration camps

An Artist, an Architect, and an Engineer...

...are discussing whether it is better to have a wife or a mistress.

The architect says, "A wife, of course. A good marriage is the foundation of a happy life."

The artist says, "No, a mistress. She will add intrigue and excitement to your life."

They turn to the engineer to ask his opinion. The engineer says, "I have both. The wife thinks I'm with the mistress. The mistress thinks I'm with the wife. And I can go down to the plant and get some work done."

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum.

Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don't let that stay in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."

"Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer.

"Yes, its true," the mate said. "Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If its true it goes into the log, end of discussion," said the captain sternly. Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries.

The first mate wrote: "The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober today."

My friend walks round with a broken calculator...

There's just something about him that doesn't add up.

Mathematical Sex.

Sex is like math:
Add the bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs and pray you dont multiply

So a guy walls into a bar

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. The guy had a few beers, but the giraffe ends up getting totally wasted and passes out on the floor. The man pays and just add he is about to walk out the door the bartender shouts "hey! Don't leave that lyin' there!" And the man says back "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe."

You know it's weird you add 'French' to anything and it makes it better: 'French cuisine', 'French toast', 'French kiss'...

The only exception is 'people.'

Where do you send your kid to be cured of ADD?

A concentration camp

I was going to put a joke on here about carpentry.

But i didn't think it wood work........

so i decided to add some metal work instead,

but i realised it steel wooden work.....

Someone asked me if I'm a gentleman.

Yes, yes I am. Holding doors open for people for example. Or when my wife gets home late, I light up some candles, letting some warm water run, add some soap, so she can start doing the dishes as soon as she gets home.

I got a tattoo of a dictionary on my bisep...

I wanted to add definition to my arm

How to make Add jokes?

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