Actual Jokes

107 actual jokes and hilarious actual puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about actual that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Find out what actual good, legit, timed jokes are all about with alternate versions of classic jokes. Have a laugh with these funny jokes to brighten up your day!

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Funniest Actual Short Jokes

Short actual jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The actual humour may include short real jokes also.

  1. What's the difference between donald trump and a worm? One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.
  2. COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.
  3. My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
  4. Student: Are well and actually both single-syllable words? Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
  5. My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils... But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
  6. Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn't valid anymore. There's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
  7. What's the difference between a casino and a church? You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
  8. Why don't churches have Wi-Fi? They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
  9. The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels Now you know who the best people are
  10. Devil: This is the lake of lava you will be spending eternity in Me: Actually, since we're underground, it would be magma
    Devil: You understand this is why you're here, right?

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Actual One Liners

Which actual one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with actual? I can suggest the ones about fact and exact.

  1. Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison? Cause you know he is actually guilty.
  2. An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery Slaves are given food and housing.
  3. A lot of women actually turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver watch out.
  4. I tell dad jokes all the time even though I'm not actually a dad I'm a faux pa.
  5. I think i misspelled camoflage . It is actually spelled
  6. How much does a rainbow weigh? Not much, they're actually pretty light.
  7. What's the scariest thing about a white guy in a prison? You know he actually did it.
  8. It turns out vaccines cause cancer. You'll actually live long enough to get it.
  9. Mayweather is actually 54-0 If you count the women
  10. Actual joke dad said this morning waitress: How do you like your eggs?
    dad: in a cake
  11. In my community we have a neighborhood watch, It's actually more like a clock tower.
  12. McAfee not dead actually.. He is still running in the background.
  13. Where do mansplainers get their water? From a well, actually
  14. I rely on hotels so much I've actually become quite Inn-dependent
  15. Someone actually wished me Merry Christmas Merry Christmas to you too, Team Snapchat

Actual Good Jokes

Here is a list of funny actual good jokes and even better actual good puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Hanging a Beggar is good in theory, but... Is actually just Poor Execution
  • Did you know that bats aren't actually blind? That's why they are so good at hitting baseballs
  • My wife said wasting what little money we have on a lock picking set was not a good investment. But it's actually opened a lot of doors for me.
  • "Hi, I'm here for Paradox Club." Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
    "Ok, same difference."
    *looks at group*
    Oh, this guy is good.
  • Do you guys have idea how hard it is to make a good Jewish joke? Actually, Israeli easy.
  • Someone asked me to validate their parking So I said, "You did a very good job. I am very proud of you."
    ^^I'm ^^sorry. ^^I ^^actually ^^said ^^that ^^to ^^someone ^^at ^^work ^^today.
  • Remember past mistakes and never trust the voters to make good decisions... Southern Biscuits and Gravy was actually a finalist in the Lay's Chip Contest
  • A lot of women actually turn into good drivers. So, watch out for turning women, good drivers. (Edited and improved with necessary comma added.)
  • Smoking is actually a good thing for me Look how often I have to go outside into the fresh air
  • People actually have lot of good things say about me. But first, I have to die.
Actual joke, People actually have lot of good things say about me.

Share Hilarious Actual Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter

What funny jokes about actual you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean true jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make actual pranks.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.

An old woman notices her husband's fly is unzipped...

An old woman sees her husband's fly on his pants is unzipped. She says, "You left the barn door open. The cow is gonna get out if ya don't close it."
The old man replied, "It can't get out if it can't get up!"
(I adapted this from an actual exchange that my great grandparents had a few years ago.)

How Long is a Chinese name

* That's the joke.
* You have people thinking about how to answer how long the name is. When the actual joke is that the Chinese person is named How Long.
* It's pretty funny to see peoples reactions to this joke and to see how they reply to it when all you're really making is a statement.

Actual exchange between my wife and I(myself being muslim)

Wife: Tell me a joke.
Me: Ok, what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
wife: what?
me: nothing, you've already told her twice.
**mutual chuckling**
wife: aww, why'd you have to make a muslim joke?
me: I didn't make a muslim joke. I made a wife beater joke, you just made a muslim joke.

A Chinese couple named Mr. and Mrs. Wong went to the hospital to have a baby...

Mrs. Wong had the baby soon after they arrived, and after they got to see their child, a nurse took it away for medical examinations. When she returned, she was carrying a white baby, not an Asian one. Mr. Wong was surprised and a little annoyed at the mistake and curtly told the nurse to go back and get their actual baby. The nurse insisted that it was the correct child, but Mr. Wong was positive that a mistake had been made, because, as he put it, "Two Wongs don't make a white."

'Not Actual Game Footage'

'We put more effort into this advert than the actual game'

Actual quote from a kid visiting from China

Q: Do you like it hear in America?
K: Yes.
Q: Why?
K: Because the sky here is blue.

People are always mistaken thinking there is only 1 letter in the pirate dictionary, in actual fact there is 10

Eye eye, argh and the 7 seas

Four Polish men die in a car accident

Two in the actual c**... and two more in the reenactment.

I asked my web server engineer wife to give me head.

All I got was information and not the actual act.

An actual quote by President George Bush

"The problem with the french is that they don't have a word for entrepreneurs"

Politicians are like s**.....

one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.

What do you call a man with three arms and a pegleg?

I have no idea because the actual joke is always in the comments.

Imagine if the presidential race was an actual marathon

Then we'd really have a Kenyan in office.

What's the difference between Betsy DeVos and a Grizzly Bear?

Betsy DeVos is an actual threat to school children.

An actual conversation I just heard at work today

Guy 1: What's the difference between a radio and my wife?
Guy 2: What?
Guy 1: I can turn my radio off when I'm tired of listening to it.
Guy 2: (without hesitation) You don't have to do anything to turn your wife off.

I cannot wait until..

There is a scandal involving an actual Gate!

The way I see it, the March for Science has really turned out to be more of a parade for science puns than an actual protest.

And I'm totally Oxygen-Potassium with that.

People say I'm well educated

I never went to actual school, but I significantly deepened my knowledge in the well.

Difference between Hypothetical and actual

So a young boy comes home from school and says, "dad, my teacher said my homework for the night is to find out the difference between hypothetical and actual."
His dad says, " well son, go ask your mother if she'd sleep with her boss for a million dollars. Then, go ask your sister if she'd sleep with her principal for a million dollars and come back, tell me what they said. "
So the young boy goes and asks both his mom and sister, comes back. "dad, they both said yes."
"Well son, that's your answer."
"But I don't get it", the boy says. 
"Ya see, HYPOTHETICALLY we could be millionaires but, we're ACTUALLY living with a couple of w**...."

Why aren't Koalas actual bears?

They don't meet the koala-fications

If shops sell things at 3.14 times their actual value

They are Pirates.

What does the Fat Acceptance Movement lack?

An actual movement.

My heart goes out to the city of Philadelphia.

Not the people, the actual city.

My grandfather was cheap. He'd give me a 50 dollar bill each year for my birthday

Not currency; an actual invoice for 50 dollars

SPOILERS for Deadpool 2

The X-Force was the actual s**... Squad.

My girlfriend kept insisting that I give her a ring...

It took a while to get comfortable with the idea \(it was a really big decision for me\), but finally I got enough courage to dial the number and have an actual telephone conversation with her.

There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep.

It's called 'coma toes'

Actual conversation between an elderly couple...

"Norm, I only married you because of your sense of humor..."
"Dee, I only married you because of my sense of humor..."

Sometimes I wish I knew the definitions of certain words before I use them with my coworkers....

I mean who knows the actual definition of the word, n**...?

We've never really given an actual nickname to the people out there who pay prostitutes for s**....

I think we should start calling them buysexuals.

My cousin thinks he's cool because he sleeps in a race car bed.

Little does he know I sleep in an actual car.

If Steve jobs invented mac, did he also invent cheese?

(an actual original joke)

Where does a pirate go to do his taxes?

H&Rrrrrr block (pirate voice)
I thought of this the other day, not sure if it's an actual joke or not, made me laugh at myself though.

I named my wood chest "Morning" in Minecraft.

So whenever I need some wood I can say I need some "Morning Wood".
(This is an actual thing I have done, it's not just a cheesy joke)

The dentist asked me if I had sensitive toothpaste at home.

I told her toothpaste and I don't talk about our feelings.

(PS: This was the actual conversation I had with my dentist just last night!)

I failed my audition as Amy Schumer

I told an actual joke.

Actual conversation that took place in front of me today while waiting for my food at a chicken place...

There were 4 teens standing in front of me, 2 boys and 2 girls. One of the girls walks off to go to the restroom...
Guy A Hey man, is that your sister?
Guy B Yeah
Guy A I can tell, y'all look just alike. This is my sister and we don't look nothin' alike. I look just like my daddy... and she looks just like her daddy!
I laughed.

The actual best knock-knock joke ever.

This is my go-to knock-knock joke.
You: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Friend: Why?
You: To get to ugly's house —*chuckle like it's funny*
—*a few seconds later*
You: Knock knock!
Same friend: Who's there?
You: The chicken.

What's the difference between Basketball players and Soccer players?

Basketball players get actual injuries.

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

Someone called me pretty today.

Well the actual phrase was "you are pretty dumb" but Im focusing on the positive today.

Sheriff: Sir you I'm fining you for having your store open during the shutdown

Man: Oh, I'm not the owner I'm just looting.
Sheriff: Oh, ok carry on
This was an actual conversation overheard.

A Man Walks into His Home

He calls out to his wife, "Honey, why are there two broken condoms sitting on the couch?"
His wife replies, exasperated, "For the last time, can you please call our children by their actual names?"

My grandpa always told me that statistics are like skirts

They show some stuff that you are interested in but not the actual thing

Today I saw a man use a knot that had the statement "Love both men and women"

I didn't think I would witness an actual s**... bi-words

I got a call from the doctor saying my buddy nearly overdosed on his homeopathic medicine.

Turns out he had forgotten to take it.
*Alternate punchline:* His family and several witnesses later disputed this, arguing the actual problem was him nearly drowning.

I remember when McDonald's switched from styrofoam to cardboard and paper.

I'm still wondering when they're going to start using actual meat.

True Rosh Hashanah story

This is an actual conversation between my non-Jewish friend and his Jewish wife many years ago, before his first time going to High Holiday services:
Husband: So, can you tell me what to expect at Rosh Hashanah services?
Wife: It's a great ceremony. The best part is when they blow the shofar!
H: I'll drive.
Probably 30 years later and it still makes me laugh. And they're still together.

Garbagemen never receive actual training

They just pick things up as they go

What rests on the ground between my feet and is covered in ants?

My ice cream cone. =(
*Inspired by actual events.

Koala joke

Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications.

Today I learnt koala bears aren't actual bears. They're marsupials.

I guess they don't meet the koalafications.

was einstein an actual person?

my friend says he is, but im pretty sure he's a theoretical physicist

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.

It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes.

I was also disappointed by BBC news.

What is La-Z-Boy's actual name?

Rick Liner

Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.

1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now, flush the u**... and go outside and tee off.

What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?

Tootin' car man. (My friend swears she made up this joke so I'm pretty sure this is actual OC)

I witnessed an actual m**... in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

Why wouldn't the cattle rancher take the bet that he could raise his cows on m**... instead of actual grass?

The steaks were too high.

Beware of DNA tests!

In England, young Robert Keystone Townsend II, was given a DNA test from a friend for his birthday, which revealed a terrible family secret: His father was not his actual father, but still related somehow. When confronted with the question of why this horrible truth was hidden from him for so long, his parents replied that they told him hundreds of times that "Bob's your Uncle!"

I think Model Trains cast an unrealistic beauty standard on actual trains...

But model trains never eat and real trains are always CHEW CHEW CHEW-ing

PSA: Dad-jokes are reserved to be told actual fathers. If you don't have kids of your own…

Telling a dad-joke would be a Faux Pa

You all need to stop saying Jussie Smollett is not an actual victim.

His acting school clearly failed him.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on Christmas Day.

It wasn't his actual birthday, but he wasn't going to tell Chuck Norris that.

Give me your best/worst jokes.

There is a really cute blonde barista at the coffee shop I go to, I already told her the two best I have. Please send me your best or worst. Dad jokes are extra appreciated.
//actual joke I told her//
Did you hear the big science news? They discovered a new element. It has elemental symbol AH.
They are calling it The Element of Surprise.

My dad's latest dad joke

My dad raises rabbit and goes through a lot of hay. As we're getting a new bale out a truck drives by with big round bales.
Me: that would keep you in hay for awhile.
D: rabbits can't eat those.
Me: what? Why not?
D: not good for them
Me:You mean the type of hay
D: nope, can't have those big round ones.
(This back and forth keeps going for like ten minute as I suggest why they can't have them and his just saying no)
Me: is there an actual reason why they can't have that hay?
D: (smirks) they won't get a square meal
Me:(floored)…did you just wind me up for like ten minutes to tell me a dad joke??!
D: yeah

"Grammar n**... are literally the worst."

"No, actual n**... are literally the worst."

Why aren't koalas actual bears?

Because they don't meet the koala-fications!

Please keep the bathroom door closed

The dogs have a drinking problem.
(Actual sign on a bathroom door)

Why aren't Koalas actual bears?

They DO NOT meet Koalafications

Why did the Doctor tell a patient "Laughter is the best medicine"?

"Doc, I don't get it. What are you trying to tell me? I need actual medicine-"
"-This is how much the bill would be if I actually treated you."
The patient stared at the paper, then quietly chuckled, followed by hysterical sobs.

Instead of actual serious spying gear, the Chinese used a balloon. Why?

Because of inflation.

My wife and I decided to spice things up and roll play our actual jobs, her a nurse and me a handyman.

She went to bed early from working a double and her feet being sore and I didn't even show up.

An actual joke that was told by Jews during World War II

An SS man says to a Jew in a concentration camp: "You are to be killed today, but I will give you a chance. One of my eyes is a glass eye. If you can guess which one it is, I will give you your life."
The Jew looks at the SS man and says, "The left one, Herr Corporal."
"That is correct. How did you recognize it?"
"Because it looks so human."

I've just found out there's an actual clinical name for the condition where you can't sleep and just eat instead

It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nia

Can we please stop with the meta because she's dead punchlines? I've been trying to read actual funny jokes from this sub to my mom to cheer her up but she hasn't laughed at a single one of them.

Because she's dead.

My wife said I look like a Greek god.

Her actual words were "Put your clothes on, we're in a museum" but I know what she meant.

Actual joke, My wife said I look like a Greek god.

jokes about actual