Share Hilarious Actual Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
An old woman notices her husband's fly is unzipped...
An old woman sees her husband's fly on his pants is unzipped. She says, "You left the barn door open. The cow is gonna get out if ya don't close it."
The old man replied, "It can't get out if it can't get up!"
(I adapted this from an actual exchange that my great grandparents had a few years ago.)
How Long is a Chinese name
* That's the joke.
* You have people thinking about how to answer how long the name is. When the actual joke is that the Chinese person is named How Long.
* It's pretty funny to see peoples reactions to this joke and to see how they reply to it when all you're really making is a statement.
Actual exchange between my wife and I(myself being muslim)
Wife: Tell me a joke.
Me: Ok, what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
wife: what?
me: nothing, you've already told her twice.
**mutual chuckling**
wife: aww, why'd you have to make a muslim joke?
me: I didn't make a muslim joke. I made a wife beater joke, you just made a muslim joke.
A Chinese couple named Mr. and Mrs. Wong went to the hospital to have a baby...
Mrs. Wong had the baby soon after they arrived, and after they got to see their child, a nurse took it away for medical examinations. When she returned, she was carrying a white baby, not an Asian one. Mr. Wong was surprised and a little annoyed at the mistake and curtly told the nurse to go back and get their actual baby. The nurse insisted that it was the correct child, but Mr. Wong was positive that a mistake had been made, because, as he put it, "Two Wongs don't make a white."
Actual quote from a kid visiting from China
Q: Do you like it hear in America?
K: Yes.
Q: Why?
K: Because the sky here is blue.
Four Polish men die in a car accident
Two in the actual crash and two more in the reenactment.
An actual quote by President George Bush
"The problem with the french is that they don't have a word for entrepreneurs"
Politicians are like sperm..
one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.
Imagine if the presidential race was an actual marathon
Then we'd really have a Kenyan in office.
You can explore actual alternate reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean actual redefine dad jokes. There are also actual puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What's the difference between Betsy DeVos and a Grizzly Bear?
Betsy DeVos is an actual threat to school children.
An actual conversation I just heard at work today
Guy 1: What's the difference between a radio and my wife?
Guy 2: What?
Guy 1: I can turn my radio off when I'm tired of listening to it.
Guy 2: (without hesitation) You don't have to do anything to turn your wife off.
I cannot wait until..
There is a scandal involving an actual Gate!
People say I'm well educated
I never went to actual school, but I significantly deepened my knowledge in the well.
Difference between Hypothetical and actual
So a young boy comes home from school and says, "dad, my teacher said my homework for the night is to find out the difference between hypothetical and actual."
His dad says, " well son, go ask your mother if she'd sleep with her boss for a million dollars. Then, go ask your sister if she'd sleep with her principal for a million dollars and come back, tell me what they said. "
So the young boy goes and asks both his mom and sister, comes back. "dad, they both said yes."
"Well son, that's your answer."
"But I don't get it", the boy says.
"Ya see, HYPOTHETICALLY we could be millionaires but, we're ACTUALLY living with a couple of whores."
Why aren't Koalas actual bears?
They don't meet the koala-fications
If shops sell things at 3.14 times their actual value
They are Pirates.
What does the Fat Acceptance Movement lack?
An actual movement.
My grandfather was cheap. He'd give me a 50 dollar bill each year for my birthday
Not currency; an actual invoice for 50 dollars
Actual joke dad said this morning
waitress: How do you like your eggs?
dad: in a cake
SPOILERS for Deadpool 2
The X-Force was the actual Suicide Squad.
My girlfriend kept insisting that I give her a ring...
It took a while to get comfortable with the idea \(it was a really big decision for me\), but finally I got enough courage to dial the number and have an actual telephone conversation with her.
There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep.
It's called 'coma toes'
Actual conversation between an elderly couple...
"Norm, I only married you because of your sense of humor..."
"Dee, I only married you because of my sense of humor..."
We've never really given an actual nickname to the people out there who pay prostitutes for sex.
I think we should start calling them buysexuals.
My cousin thinks he's cool because he sleeps in a race car bed.
Little does he know I sleep in an actual car.
If Steve jobs invented mac, did he also invent cheese?
(an actual original joke)
Where does a pirate go to do his taxes?
H&Rrrrrr block (pirate voice)
I thought of this the other day, not sure if it's an actual joke or not, made me laugh at myself though.
The dentist asked me if I had sensitive toothpaste at home.
I told her toothpaste and I don't talk about our feelings.
(PS: This was the actual conversation I had with my dentist just last night!)
An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery
Slaves are given food and housing.
The actual best knock-knock joke ever.
This is my go-to knock-knock joke.
You: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Friend: Why?
You: To get to ugly's house —*chuckle like it's funny*
—*a few seconds later*
You: Knock knock!
Same friend: Who's there?
You: The chicken.
Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"
Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.
A Man Walks into His Home
He calls out to his wife, "Honey, why are there two broken condoms sitting on the couch?"
His wife replies, exasperated, "For the last time, can you please call our children by their actual names?"
My grandpa always told me that statistics are like skirts
They show some stuff that you are interested in but not the actual thing
I got a call from the doctor saying my buddy nearly overdosed on his homeopathic medicine.
Turns out he had forgotten to take it.
*Alternate punchline:* His family and several witnesses later disputed this, arguing the actual problem was him nearly drowning.
I remember when McDonald's switched from styrofoam to cardboard and paper.
I'm still wondering when they're going to start using actual meat.
True Rosh Hashanah story
This is an actual conversation between my non-Jewish friend and his Jewish wife many years ago, before his first time going to High Holiday services:
Husband: So, can you tell me what to expect at Rosh Hashanah services?
Wife: It's a great ceremony. The best part is when they blow the shofar!
H: I'll drive.
Probably 30 years later and it still makes me laugh. And they're still together.
Garbagemen never receive actual training
They just pick things up as they go
What rests on the ground between my feet and is covered in ants?
My ice cream cone. =(
*Inspired by actual events.
Koala joke
Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications.
Today I learnt koala bears aren't actual bears. They're marsupials.
I guess they don't meet the koalafications.
was einstein an actual person?
my friend says he is, but im pretty sure he's a theoretical physicist
This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes.
I was also disappointed by BBC news.
What is La-Z-Boy's actual name?
Rick Liner
Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.
1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now, flush the urinal and go outside and tee off.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man. (My friend swears she made up this joke so I'm pretty sure this is actual OC)
I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.
Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.
Why wouldn't the cattle rancher take the bet that he could raise his cows on marijuana instead of actual grass?
The steaks were too high.
Beware of DNA tests!
In England, young Robert Keystone Townsend II, was given a DNA test from a friend for his birthday, which revealed a terrible family secret: His father was not his actual father, but still related somehow. When confronted with the question of why this horrible truth was hidden from him for so long, his parents replied that they told him hundreds of times that "Bob's your Uncle!"
I think Model Trains cast an unrealistic beauty standard on actual trains...
But model trains never eat and real trains are always CHEW CHEW CHEW-ing
PSA: Dad-jokes are reserved to be told actual fathers. If you don't have kids of your own…
Telling a dad-joke would be a Faux Pa
You all need to stop saying Jussie Smollett is not an actual victim.
His acting school clearly failed him.
Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on Christmas Day.
It wasn't his actual birthday, but he wasn't going to tell Chuck Norris that.
Give me your best/worst jokes.
There is a really cute blonde barista at the coffee shop I go to, I already told her the two best I have. Please send me your best or worst. Dad jokes are extra appreciated.
//actual joke I told her//
Did you hear the big science news? They discovered a new element. It has elemental symbol AH.
They are calling it The Element of Surprise.
My dad's latest dad joke
My dad raises rabbit and goes through a lot of hay. As we're getting a new bale out a truck drives by with big round bales.
Me: that would keep you in hay for awhile.
D: rabbits can't eat those.
Me: what? Why not?
D: not good for them
Me:You mean the type of hay
D: nope, can't have those big round ones.
(This back and forth keeps going for like ten minute as I suggest why they can't have them and his just saying no)
Me: is there an actual reason why they can't have that hay?
D: (smirks) they won't get a square meal
Me:(floored)…did you just wind me up for like ten minutes to tell me a dad joke??!
D: yeah
"Grammar Nazis are literally the worst."
"No, actual Nazis are literally the worst."
Why aren't koalas actual bears?
Because they don't meet the koala-fications!
Please keep the bathroom door closed
The dogs have a drinking problem.
(Actual sign on a bathroom door)
