Actual Good Jokes
110 actual good jokes and hilarious actual good puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about actual good that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Actual Good Short Jokes
Short actual good jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The actual good humour may include short real good jokes also.
- Did you know that bats aren't actually blind? That's why they are so good at hitting baseballs
- My wife said wasting what little money we have on a lock picking set was not a good investment. But it's actually opened a lot of doors for me.
- "Hi, I'm here for Paradox Club." Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
"Ok, same difference."
*looks at group*
Oh, this guy is good. - Someone asked me to validate their parking So I said, "You did a very good job. I am very proud of you."
^^I'm ^^sorry. ^^I ^^actually ^^said ^^that ^^to ^^someone ^^at ^^work ^^today. - Remember past mistakes and never trust the voters to make good decisions... Southern Biscuits and Gravy was actually a finalist in the Lay's Chip Contest
- Smoking is actually a good thing for me Look how often I have to go outside into the fresh air
- Vegans are actually quite good people Expecially when you use the right spices.
- notes from a cannibal - I feel bad for my buddy over in Spain. I asked him, "Has December been a good week for you so far?"
He said it was actually a mes. - What would the show be renamed if Rick and Morty actually legitimately died for good? Rigor and Mortis
- I went to see the doctor yesterday as I wasn't feeling too good after emptying my bagless vacuum cleaner He told me I might actually dyson.
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Actual Good One Liners
Which actual good one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with actual good? I can suggest the ones about proper good and true life.
- A lot of women actually turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver watch out.
- Hanging a Beggar is good in theory, but... Is actually just Poor Execution
- Vampires are actually pretty good in bed But it gets weird when you're on your period.
- It's April Fool's Day You better watch out, you might actually hear a good joke today.
- "Therapist" is actually two words. But only one of them feels good.
- TIL bats aren't actually blind. No wonder they're so good at hitting baseballs.
- They say a good man is hard to find but actually They're the best at hiding
- The angry, pitchfork-wielding mob actually has a lot of good points. u/phlux
- Eating a rock is actually good for you. It's full of minerals!
- How sit? Good. you?
- I actually made this up. I know it's super cheesy. I am sorry. - Liverpool I've been to Liverpool and never walking alone is actually pretty good advice.
- Y'know, the k**... actually do have some good points on their hats
- People actually have lot of good things say about me. But first, I have to die.
Actual Good Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about actual good you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean actual jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make actual good pranks.
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, “Who here has ever seen a ghost?”
Most of the hands go up.
“And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?”
About half the hands stay up.
“Okay, now how many of you have had *physical* contact with a ghost?”
Three hands stay up; there’s a slight murmur in the crowd.
“Gosh, that’s pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, uh…, been *intimate* with a ghost?”
One hand stays up.
The speaker blinks.
“Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you’ve actually had *s**...* contact with a ghost?”
The fellow suddenly blushes and says, “Oh, I’m sorry,… I thought you said goat!”
The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
A few actually smirked.
But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women’s brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."
One good thing about graduation is that you get to wear a funny hat that makes your brain look larger than it actually is.
Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar
Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks
you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mothers Day Prank Suggestion
I played this simple and harmless joke on my mum a few years back and the family still laughs about it. Here you go:
Go to the local greenhouse or place that sells plants. Buy a really nice flower p**... (empty) and a bag of potting soil. This is the key, while you are there snag one of the tags from a nice looking flower that has its name, picture and whatnot on it. Make sure its something exotic so she is excited about it. Then fill the empty p**... with potting soil, stick the tag into the empty p**... and put a nice bow on it. When you give it to her say something like "the lady at the greenhouse said this is a really beautiful plant when the bulb grows but be sure to water it daily, it should grow in like 3-5 weeks". Done. Mom thinks she go a nice gift and you get to watch her water a p**... of dirt for at least a month until she decides to dig up the bulb thinking maybe she killed it... At this point I suggest you have an actual gift ready to give to her because I had to make an emergency trip to the greenhouse after being told: DONTCOMEHOMEWITHOUTAGODDAMFLOWERFORME!!!!! or something like that. Dad was still laughing when I got home, and afterwords mom even said it was a pretty good joke.
Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar
.
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks
. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:
"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or
"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or
"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"
The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the c**... of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.
Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.
The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said,
"OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"
Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar. [copypasta from digitaldreamdoor]
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday....
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way
the blind salesman would tell exactly who had f**....
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
Irish pubs are the best
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times
He raised a pretty good question, actually.
A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"
The North/South Korea conflict reminded me of an old joke set in Israel
Two old Israeli men are having lunch together, talking about this and that, politics and their jobs, and the conversation leads to them talking about the state of Israel.
"I'm telling you, Moskowitz, there's an easy solution to all the problems Israel has."
"I'm sure if there was one, it would have been used by now, Finklestein."
"No, no, no. I say we invade the United States."
Mr. Moskowitz almost chokes on his drink. "Invade the- what possible good do you think that could do for us! We would be absolutely destroyed if we declared war on them!"
My. Finklestein's face lights up. "Ah-hah! That's all part of the plan! We would be in such a terrible state that the U.S. would have to give us aid in order to rebuild ourselves! Now, we have modern U.S. technology, and if our neighbors would never attack us while the U.S. is occupying us!"
Moskowitz thinks about this for a while. Is the plan so crazy it might actually work? "Phah," he says. "With our Jewish luck, we would *win* the war."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dog walks into a bank and asks for a loan...
The teller says "What collateral are you offering?"
The dog leans across the the counter, looks at his name tag and says "Here's the thing Mr. Wakk, can I call you Patrick? I'm actually Keith Richard's son. So you know I'm good for it."
The teller says "I'm sorry Mr. Dog we're still going to have to ask for collateral."
The dog hands him a ceramic elephant.
Confused the teller goes to his manager and tells him the story. He says "I don't know what to do, I don't even know what this thing is."
The manager says "It's a knick-knack p**... Wakk, give the dog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Rabbi and Priest
A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and the future. "What position do you see yourself in a couple years from now?" asked the Rabbi to the Priest. "Well, actually, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the Priest. "Yes, and then what?" ask the Rabbi. "Well, I could become Arch-Bishop," said the Priest. "Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, if I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible to become a full Bishop" said the Priest. "Okay, then what?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest, beginning to be a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal." "And then?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest is really starting to get frustrated, but replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right place at the right time and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope." "Yes, and then what?" continued the Rabbi. "Good grief!" shouted the Priest, "What do you expect me to become, God?" "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
A young man was sent to prison,
Upon his arrival an older man welcomed him to make sure he was comfortable.
The older man asked "Do you like baseball?" the young man replied "of course, I loved playing it as a kid" the older man said "we'll that's great we play baseball all day Monday".
The older man asked "Do you like movies?" The young man replied, "yes, I love watching a good movie" the older man replied "that's great, Tuesday is movie night."
Next the old man asked "Do you like Italian food?" The young man replied "yes, that's actually my favorite". The old man replied "Wonderful, on Wednesdays its Italian food night in the cafeteria".
Lastly the old man ask "Son, are you a homosexual?" The young man replied "No sir, I have a wife on the outside. The older man replied "Well young man, you're not going to enjoy Thursday nights."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young man, about 15, visits his local pharmacy ...
...and heads straight to the family planning section. He takes a look around the c**... section and appears a little unsure of himself.
The pharmacist, an older gentleman, comes over and asks, "Excuse me son, what seems to be the trouble?"
The young man says, "Well, you see…I have a date tonight with my girlfriend. Actually, I'm going to meet her family for the first time. And then..well, I was thinking of…losing my…well, having our first.."
The young man mumbles a bit, but the pharmacist smiles and replies, "You want to make the night special, right?" He seemed like a good natured fellow, so the young man allows him to help him pick a pack of condoms. He rang up the price and the young man left.
Still very nervous, the young man goes to his girlfriend's house. After hugging his girlfriend, she introduces him to her parents.
After exchanging some pleasantries, the family and the young man sit down for dinner. The young man says that he will give the prayer before they eat and they all bow their heads. After about five minutes, the young man and the family are still praying. After another few minutes of prayer the girlfriend leans over and whispers "Wow, I didn't know you were so religious."
The young man leans over and replies, "I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."
A man and his wife go out to eat...
...as they are being served their food the wife says "if I worked here, I'd weigh 200 pounds!"
The man responds "so you'd loss weight?"
This was an actually conversation by my parents, all in good fun of course.
Two old friends run into each other at a bar
Two old friends run into each other at a bar. The one friend says to the other "Nice to see you, you're looking really good. Have you lost weight?" "Yeah I have, actually." says the other friend. The first friend asks, "How did you manage to get so fit?" The friend replies "Well, I'd like to contribute it to a good diet and exercise...but the Judge claims it's from excessive drinking and evading the police."
(meta) About the direction this sub is going
Every top post I see from this sub now is a basic one liner, and half of them aren't even that good. While I appreciate a good simple joke as much as the next person, there needs to be a good mixture that include actual story jokes with a true set up and punchline.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I noticed a lot of dumb jokes on here recently hitting the top so I made up an actually good one
Just kidding, here's another
So, Midas actually had a pretty good musical career.
He always knew how to bring in an [Au]dience.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pregnant woman is in labor
A pregnant woman goes into labor and is rushed into the hospital. While giving birth, she passes out due to the pain. When she wakes up the doctor tells her congrats on her twins. But since she was out cold and they needed to put names on the birth certificates, they had her brother name them.
At this news, the woman is visibly upset. Nooo, she says; my brother is r**.... You can't let him name them.
Tough luck says the doctor. Its already done. Heres your daughter, Denise.
O that's actually a pretty good name says the woman.
And here's your son, denephew.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Heart transplant
One of the city's homeless women needed a heart transplant, but when they finally had found a donor, she was very nervous. "What if my body rejects this o**...?" She asked the surgeon.
"Well, you have very good health, apart from the heart," replied the surgeon. "What kind of job do you really?"
"Actually I have been a p**... since I was 18," said the woman. "But what has that to do with it?"
"Well," said the doctor. "If you have not rejected a o**... the past ten years, it is very unlikely that it would happen now."
My last roommate was vegan
This happened two years ago. We were having a bbq before a game and he prepared some veggie burgers and I made some meat burgers. He mushed his veggie burgers up real good and it actually looked like meat after we cooked them. We put the leftovers in the fridge and went to the game.
When we got back I was a little bit drunk and was hungry so I opened the fridge and grabbed what I thought was the left over meat burgers.
It was a mis steak.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Have you ever seen a ghost?
An expert in psychic phenomena is giving a conference to a group in Dublin. The speaker asks, "If I may be so bold, has anyone here ever seen a ghost?"
Some people raise their hands. "Good" he says. "Now, has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Again, a few people raise their hands. "Excellent. I see we have an experienced group! But... Has anyone here ever had s**... with a ghost?"
One little man at the back raises his hand. Intrigued, the speaker says, "Good grief! Do you mean to say you've actually had s**... with a ghost?"
"Oh, a ghost?" says the man, "I thought you said a GOAT."
You may think it's a good idea to go to weight watchers to meet women...
but actually the ones there are quite hard to pick up.
Old man's wife has hearing problems
An old man goes to his doctor.
Old man: Hey Doc, my wife's hearing is becoming terrible, is there anything you can give me to help her out?
Doc: Well, how bad is it?
Old Man: We rarely talk any more, Doc, and I love her more than anything.
Doc: Try the distance test. When you get home, Call her name and if she doesn't hear you, get closer and closer until she does. This will give me a good sense of how bad her hearing actually is.
Old Man: Okay, thanks Doc. See you soon.
So, the Old Man goes home, opens his front door and shouts "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.
He walks through his hall and once more shouts "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.
He walks to the door to his kitchen and sees his dearest wife over the oven cooking dinner. "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.
Frustrated, the Old Man walks right up to his wife and shouts in her ear "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!".
"FOR THE FOURTH TIME, CHICKEN!"
Now Its the Father Problem
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Man Was Lost In The Desert
A man was lost in the desert for days and days and days and was crawling on his hands and knees. He had heat s**..., sun s**..., everything s**... and in maybe a few minutes he would be dead.
In the distance he saw a mirage, he thought. He saw someone coming towards him but he hadn't seen anyone for days. The middle of no where, so he thought this can't be true.
And as he looked, it looked as if it was an Eskimo with a dog sled and eight husky dogs in front. And he thought, 'The sun must be making me crazy, it must be a mirage.' But as it came closer, he could make out the sound of the dogs barking and he could see the furs on the Eskimo.
And he thought, 'My goodness, I'm actually saved! It's not a mirage after all!'
Soon, he could feel the dogs l**... his face and he could see the Eskimo standing right before him. "It's a mircale! I'm saved," he said. "I've been lost in the desert for days!" he said to the Eskimo.
And the Eskimo replied, "And you think YOU'RE lost."
"32 years old"
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook
where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.
A blonde was lying in the grass...
One afternoon, a college student is walking across the Green and sees a pretty blonde lying in the grass staring up at the clear blue sky.
"Getting a tan?" he asks.
"No! Do you think that just because I'm blonde I'm focussing on my looks? I'm actually a very good student and right now I'm getting a head start on my homework!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. What class is it for?"
"Astronomy!"
When someone botched a joke.
Teacher: "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One clown says to the other 'does this taste funny?' "
Class: "umm"
Me to friend: "that was like a dead baby..."
Friend: "what?"
Me: "poor delivery"
This is probably the first joke I actually came up with myself. It felt good.
Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?
Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?
-
No, not a soul, actually.
-
Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!
Lobsters scream when they are being boiled.
I looked it up and thank goodness it's not true. It's actually the sound of tiny bubbles exploding through their skin.
My friend was trying to argue why cults are actually good for society.
He said to consider the following.
I tried training for the Samaritans once.
But they told me I wasn't good at listening and I said "what?" and they said I wasn't good at listening.
-- This joke was made by a friend on facebook in the UK who currently has a really really bad time - homeless and suicidal. I found the joke really funny. Would be really nice if I could show him that he is actually a pretty funny lad and has reasons to continue living. (I'm 100% serious!!)
Dad texts his son before his wedding
A father texts his son:
"My Dear Son,
Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.
My best love and good wishes.
Your Father."
His Son texts back:
"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"
His Father replies:
"I know."
I like girls like I like my coffee..
Well I've never actually had coffee but I head it tastes good.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In the original 'Good Will Hunting' script, there is a surprise gay s**... scene between the two straight leads. It was purposely put there as a test to see if studios actually read the script. Harvey Weinstein was the only producer who mentioned the scene
Weinstein said that the s**... scene usually takes place before he approves a movie
After 20 Years I Found Out That I'm Actually Straight
Dr. Scoliosis said that I should brace myself before he delivered the good news
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Eddie Stobart Movie
There's an Eddie Stobart movie just been released and is airing in cinemas now. I went to go watch it at my local cinema. The actual movie s**... but at least the trailer was good.
I don't understand why everyone judges me for being a stay at home parent...
I mean yeah my kid doesn't actually exist, but I still feel like I do a good job.
Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.
When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.
The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".
"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.
"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.
"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.
"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".
My son is just starting to use words, and he likes to hold the tv remote to his ear like a phone,...
...and say "Hello." So we'll hold up something to our ears and do the same, as though we were answering his call.
Yesterday I happened to be holding his stuffed animal lamb when he was doing this, so I held the lamb to my ear and responded. I looked over to my wife and said something like "look dear, he's calling me on the lamb-line."
She conceded that that was actually a pretty good one, at least for me.
Apparently the Eurovision song contest was on last night.
Didn't actually watch it, but I hear the winning song Israeli good.
Euroviosion Puns
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The famous psychic
A famous psychic was giving a show.
"How many of you have seen a ghost?" he said to the large audience. Several hands went up.
"Several of you, good. Now, keep your hand up if you've \*touched\* a ghost." All but a few hands go down.
"Ok, now keep your hand up if you've had \*s**...\* with a ghost." There's gasps and nervous laughter. Everybody's hands go down, except one.
The psychic is surprised but curious. He runs over. "You sir, stand up. You've actually had \*s**...\* with a ghost!"
"Oh! I thought you said goat."
[OC] Space Force
Trump announced he is going to create a 6th division of the military called the Space Force. I actually think he might be good at that, he is experienced at hiring space cadets.
After 30 years of unsuccessfully searching for a hat that actually looks good on me..
I realized I'm just ugly.
I was talking with my dad this morning in the kitchen
Me: My car is still having trouble starting. It starts but it turns over a few times before actually starting. I'm gonna have to check it out
Dad: That's not good. It'd be great in an iPhone, but not in your car
Me: ?
Dad: Well everybody loves apple turnovers
Actually, there's a good reason for delaying Death Stranding
So mr. Kojima could say Kept you waiting, huh?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You know, history loves to hate on h**..., but when you get right down to it, he actually did some pretty good things in his life.
For instance, killing h**...
I actually had some good luck asking girls for their address instead of their phone number.
Some them said "Good luck on that."
A concerned mother checks her son into a mental hospital after he traded the family cow for some magic beans.
Ma'am the doctor said with a look of sympathy I'm afraid your son has a strong case of schizophrenia.
Oh good lord, I knew there was something wrong when he insisted those beans were magic the mother said wiping a tear from her eye.
Well no it's not that, the beans are actually magic the doctor replied
Well then how do you know he's schizophrenic
The doctor took a deep sigh and said,
Well ma'am, you see, Jack and the beans talk
I got the best parking spot today, right in front of the bank. I couldn't believe my luck
I don't actually need to go to the bank, but the opportunity was to good to give up.
The phone Samsung released after the Note 7 was actually more explosive than it.
It was the Samsung Galaxy S8
p.s I know good jokes don't need explaining but this is an original lame joke. S8 is the chemical formula for Sulfur which is combustible
You wouldn't think that a pastry frosting made from magical trees would be very good,
but it's actually enticing!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last night in Jail they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be g**... but they were actually pretty good.
Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected.
I started checking out at Walmart next to a guy I had never met before...
He said, "so tell me, how does it feel to be young and good looking?"
I said,"I wish I knew..."
That actually happened. My life is a joke.
The actual best knock-knock joke ever.
This is my go-to knock-knock joke.
You: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Friend: Why?
You: To get to ugly's house —*chuckle like it's funny*
—*a few seconds later*
You: Knock knock!
Same friend: Who's there?
You: The chicken.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sitting at a bar and a friend leans quite close to me as she get up to go to the washroom. Jees, Bill you smell good. What have you go on?
Actually, I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it!
A man walks into a 5-star restaurant...
A man walks into a fancy 5-star restaurant.
The host says to him: " Good evening sir. Do you have a reservation?"
The man replies : "Yes, actually."
The host asks: "Name?"
And the man replies: " Nah, the name is ok. It's just the atmosphere."