JokoJokes

Actual Good Jokes

112 actual good jokes and hilarious actual good puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about actual good that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Actual Good Short Jokes

Short actual good jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The actual good humour may include short real good jokes also.

  1. Did you know that bats aren't actually blind? That's why they are so good at hitting baseballs
  2. My wife said wasting what little money we have on a lock picking set was not a good investment. But it's actually opened a lot of doors for me.
  3. "Hi, I'm here for Paradox Club." Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
    "Ok, same difference."
    *looks at group*
    Oh, this guy is good.
  4. Someone asked me to validate their parking So I said, "You did a very good job. I am very proud of you."
    ^^I'm ^^sorry. ^^I ^^actually ^^said ^^that ^^to ^^someone ^^at ^^work ^^today.
  5. Remember past mistakes and never trust the voters to make good decisions... Southern Biscuits and Gravy was actually a finalist in the Lay's Chip Contest
  6. A lot of women actually turn into good drivers. So, watch out for turning women, good drivers. (Edited and improved with necessary comma added.)
  7. Smoking is actually a good thing for me Look how often I have to go outside into the fresh air
  8. I bought a pack of condoms and the pharmacist asked if I'd like a bag for that. I said, "no I'm good, she's actually quite pretty"
  9. Vegans are actually quite good people Expecially when you use the right spices.
    - notes from a cannibal
  10. I feel bad for my buddy over in Spain. I asked him, "Has December been a good week for you so far?"
    He said it was actually a mes.

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Actual Good One Liners

Which actual good one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with actual good? I can suggest the ones about proper good and true life.

  1. A lot of women actually turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver watch out.
  2. Hanging a Beggar is good in theory, but... Is actually just Poor Execution
  3. Do you guys have idea how hard it is to make a good Jewish joke? Actually, Israeli easy.
  4. People actually have lot of good things say about me. But first, I have to die.
  5. women might actually turn into good drivers. So good drivers, watch out.
  6. Vampires are actually pretty good in bed But it gets weird when you're on your period.
  7. It's April Fool's Day You better watch out, you might actually hear a good joke today.
  8. "Therapist" is actually two words. But only one of them feels good.
  9. Why do they bury cops six feet under? Because deep down they're actually good guys!
  10. Why do they bury lawyers 6 feet lower? Deep down they're actually good people.
  11. TIL bats aren't actually blind. No wonder they're so good at hitting baseballs.
  12. They say a good man is hard to find but actually They're the best at hiding
  13. The angry, pitchfork-wielding mob actually has a lot of good points. u/phlux
  14. Eating a rock is actually good for you. It's full of minerals!
  15. How sit? Good. you?
    - I actually made this up. I know it's super cheesy. I am sorry.

Actual Good Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about actual good you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean actual jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make actual good pranks.

One good thing about graduation is that you get to wear a funny hat that makes your brain look larger than it actually is.

I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good! Actually, the full sentence was "You're pretty annoying." but I'm choosing to focus on the positive.

Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar

.
 "As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar. [copypasta from digitaldreamdoor]

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Irish pubs are the best

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times

Did you hear about that celebrity who committed s**...? Reese whatsername?

"Witherspoon?"
"No, with a knife!"
Only really works if you actually tell it to someone (and can maintain a good pokerface)

He raised a pretty good question, actually.

A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"

A young man was sent to prison,

Upon his arrival an older man welcomed him to make sure he was comfortable.
The older man asked "Do you like baseball?" the young man replied "of course, I loved playing it as a kid" the older man said "we'll that's great we play baseball all day Monday".
The older man asked "Do you like movies?" The young man replied, "yes, I love watching a good movie" the older man replied "that's great, Tuesday is movie night."
Next the old man asked "Do you like Italian food?" The young man replied "yes, that's actually my favorite". The old man replied "Wonderful, on Wednesdays its Italian food night in the cafeteria".
Lastly the old man ask "Son, are you a homosexual?" The young man replied "No sir, I have a wife on the outside. The older man replied "Well young man, you're not going to enjoy Thursday nights."

A man and his wife go out to eat...

...as they are being served their food the wife says "if I worked here, I'd weigh 200 pounds!"
The man responds "so you'd loss weight?"
This was an actually conversation by my parents, all in good fun of course.

Two old friends run into each other at a bar

Two old friends run into each other at a bar. The one friend says to the other "Nice to see you, you're looking really good. Have you lost weight?" "Yeah I have, actually." says the other friend. The first friend asks, "How did you manage to get so fit?" The friend replies "Well, I'd like to contribute it to a good diet and exercise...but the Judge claims it's from excessive drinking and evading the police."

(meta) About the direction this sub is going

Every top post I see from this sub now is a basic one liner, and half of them aren't even that good. While I appreciate a good simple joke as much as the next person, there needs to be a good mixture that include actual story jokes with a true set up and punchline.

I noticed a lot of dumb jokes on here recently hitting the top so I made up an actually good one

Just kidding, here's another

So, Midas actually had a pretty good musical career.

He always knew how to bring in an [Au]dience.

My collection of dwarf/midget jokes. I'm sorry.

Did you know that there was a dwarf shortage in America?
In other countries, dwarfism is a growing problem.
Dwarves and midgets actually have very little in common.
Did you know that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy?
Yesterday I saw a midget prisoner climbing down the prison wall and he looked at me and sneered. I said, "Well that's a little condescending."
How do midgets get girls to date them? They're really good at small talk.

My last roommate was vegan

This happened two years ago. We were having a bbq before a game and he prepared some veggie burgers and I made some meat burgers. He mushed his veggie burgers up real good and it actually looked like meat after we cooked them. We put the leftovers in the fridge and went to the game.
When we got back I was a little bit drunk and was hungry so I opened the fridge and grabbed what I thought was the left over meat burgers.
It was a mis steak.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

An expert in psychic phenomena is giving a conference to a group in Dublin. The speaker asks, "If I may be so bold, has anyone here ever seen a ghost?"
Some people raise their hands. "Good" he says. "Now, has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Again, a few people raise their hands. "Excellent. I see we have an experienced group! But... Has anyone here ever had s**... with a ghost?"
One little man at the back raises his hand. Intrigued, the speaker says, "Good grief! Do you mean to say you've actually had s**... with a ghost?"
"Oh, a ghost?" says the man, "I thought you said a GOAT."

You may think it's a good idea to go to weight watchers to meet women...

but actually the ones there are quite hard to pick up.

Old man's wife has hearing problems

An old man goes to his doctor.
Old man: Hey Doc, my wife's hearing is becoming terrible, is there anything you can give me to help her out?
Doc: Well, how bad is it?
Old Man: We rarely talk any more, Doc, and I love her more than anything.
Doc: Try the distance test. When you get home, Call her name and if she doesn't hear you, get closer and closer until she does. This will give me a good sense of how bad her hearing actually is.
Old Man: Okay, thanks Doc. See you soon.
So, the Old Man goes home, opens his front door and shouts "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.
He walks through his hall and once more shouts "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.
He walks to the door to his kitchen and sees his dearest wife over the oven cooking dinner. "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.
Frustrated, the Old Man walks right up to his wife and shouts in her ear "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!".
"FOR THE FOURTH TIME, CHICKEN!"

Now Its the Father Problem

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Why do good farmers only excel when they are actually farming?

Because they are out standing in their field.

I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook

where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

A blonde was lying in the grass...

One afternoon, a college student is walking across the Green and sees a pretty blonde lying in the grass staring up at the clear blue sky.
"Getting a tan?" he asks.
"No! Do you think that just because I'm blonde I'm focussing on my looks? I'm actually a very good student and right now I'm getting a head start on my homework!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. What class is it for?"
"Astronomy!"

Despite the rumors, I actually don't have a problem with the new $20....

This country has a long history of trading black people for other goods.

People keep saying Supermodels are struggling with bulimia

But I'd say they're actually really good at it.

Y'know, the k**... actually do have some good points

on their hats

When someone botched a joke.

Teacher: "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One clown says to the other 'does this taste funny?' "
Class: "umm"
Me to friend: "that was like a dead baby..."
Friend: "what?"
Me: "poor delivery"
This is probably the first joke I actually came up with myself. It felt good.

*I* actually went through with a t**....

There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?

Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?
-
No, not a soul, actually.
-
Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!

Lobsters scream when they are being boiled.

I looked it up and thank goodness it's not true. It's actually the sound of tiny bubbles exploding through their skin.

My friend was trying to argue why cults are actually good for society.

He said to consider the following.

I tried training for the Samaritans once.

But they told me I wasn't good at listening and I said "what?" and they said I wasn't good at listening.
-- This joke was made by a friend on facebook in the UK who currently has a really really bad time - homeless and suicidal. I found the joke really funny. Would be really nice if I could show him that he is actually a pretty funny lad and has reasons to continue living. (I'm 100% serious!!)

Dad texts his son before his wedding

A father texts his son:
"My Dear Son,
Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.
My best love and good wishes.
Your Father."
His Son texts back:
"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"
His Father replies:
"I know."

I like girls like I like my coffee..

Well I've never actually had coffee but I head it tastes good.

In the original 'Good Will Hunting' script, there is a surprise gay s**... scene between the two straight leads. It was purposely put there as a test to see if studios actually read the script. Harvey Weinstein was the only producer who mentioned the scene

Weinstein said that the s**... scene usually takes place before he approves a movie

After 20 Years I Found Out That I'm Actually Straight

Dr. Scoliosis said that I should brace myself before he delivered the good news

Eddie Stobart Movie

There's an Eddie Stobart movie just been released and is airing in cinemas now. I went to go watch it at my local cinema. The actual movie s**... but at least the trailer was good.

I don't understand why everyone judges me for being a stay at home parent...

I mean yeah my kid doesn't actually exist, but I still feel like I do a good job.

Guy walk into a pharmacy

Guy: a box of c**... pls
Clerk: it will be 4.99$, do you need a bag?
Guy: nah, i'm good. She's kinda cute actually

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.
The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".
"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.
"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.
"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.
"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".

Please stand up

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is s**... please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a m**...?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

Apparently the Eurovision song contest was on last night.

Didn't actually watch it, but I hear the winning song Israeli good.
Euroviosion Puns

I went to see the doctor yesterday as I wasn't feeling too good after emptying my bagless vacuum cleaner

He told me I might actually dyson.

[OC] Space Force

Trump announced he is going to create a 6th division of the military called the Space Force. I actually think he might be good at that, he is experienced at hiring space cadets.

After 30 years of unsuccessfully searching for a hat that actually looks good on me..

I realized I'm just ugly.

How many Southerners does it take to change a light bulb?

300. One to actually change it and the rest of them to talk about how good the old one was.

I was talking with my dad this morning in the kitchen

Me: My car is still having trouble starting. It starts but it turns over a few times before actually starting. I'm gonna have to check it out
Dad: That's not good. It'd be great in an iPhone, but not in your car
Me: ?
Dad: Well everybody loves apple turnovers

A man goes to the doctor's.

And says, "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth."
Doctor: "You keep thinking you're a moth!?!"
Man: "Yes, I keep thinking I'm a moth."
Doctor: "Well, I have to say, I'm a general practitioner. This is really a case for a psychiatrist. I know a good guy who I can recommend."
Man: "You know, it's funny you should say that doc, I was actually on my way to the psychiatrist...but I noticed your light was on."

Actually, there's a good reason for delaying Death Stranding

So mr. Kojima could say Kept you waiting, huh?

You know, history loves to hate on h**..., but when you get right down to it, he actually did some pretty good things in his life.

For instance, killing h**...

I actually had some good luck asking girls for their address instead of their phone number.

Some them said "Good luck on that."

A Jewish man calls his mother...

And asks, "Hi Mom! How are you?"
Not so good...not so good." Comes the feeble reply.
"Why, are you sick?
"No...I'm healthy."
"Have you been sleeping alright?"
"Yes...I get a full 8 hours." she answers.
"Have you eaten yet today?"
"Well, no...Actually, now that I think of it...I haven't eaten anything at all in five days..."
"Mom, are you crazy??" He shouts. "Why haven't you eaten in 5 days?"
"Well...I didn't want to have food in my mouth, in case you should call."

A concerned mother checks her son into a mental hospital after he traded the family cow for some magic beans.

Ma'am the doctor said with a look of sympathy I'm afraid your son has a strong case of schizophrenia.
Oh good lord, I knew there was something wrong when he insisted those beans were magic the mother said wiping a tear from her eye.
Well no it's not that, the beans are actually magic the doctor replied
Well then how do you know he's schizophrenic
The doctor took a deep sigh and said,
Well ma'am, you see, Jack and the beans talk

I got the best parking spot today, right in front of the bank. I couldn't believe my luck

I don't actually need to go to the bank, but the opportunity was to good to give up.

The phone Samsung released after the Note 7 was actually more explosive than it.

It was the Samsung Galaxy S8
p.s I know good jokes don't need explaining but this is an original lame joke. S8 is the chemical formula for Sulfur which is combustible

You wouldn't think that a pastry frosting made from magical trees would be very good,

but it's actually enticing!

Last night in Jail they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be g**... but they were actually pretty good.

Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected.

I started checking out at Walmart next to a guy I had never met before...

He said, "so tell me, how does it feel to be young and good looking?"
I said,"I wish I knew..."
That actually happened. My life is a joke.

The actual best knock-knock joke ever.

This is my go-to knock-knock joke.
You: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Friend: Why?
You: To get to ugly's house —*chuckle like it's funny*
—*a few seconds later*
You: Knock knock!
Same friend: Who's there?
You: The chicken.

Sitting at a bar and a friend leans quite close to me as she get up to go to the washroom. Jees, Bill you smell good. What have you go on?

Actually, I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it!

A man walks into a 5-star restaurant...

A man walks into a fancy 5-star restaurant.
The host says to him: " Good evening sir. Do you have a reservation?"
The man replies : "Yes, actually."
The host asks: "Name?"
And the man replies: " Nah, the name is ok. It's just the atmosphere."

Did you know cucumbers are actually really good for your memory?

My uncle put one in my a**... 12 years ago and I still remember it.

Why do photographers never dress as Storm troopers?

Because they actually want to get a good shot.