The Best 49 Acts Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Acts jokes. There are some acts laws jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these acts behave puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Acts Jokes and Puns

New neighbor.

Two women were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.
"But he acts so stupid," said one to the other.

"I think he must have his brains between his legs."

"Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

What's the difference between a politician and an actor?

One acts solely for money, the other is the actor.

On the Duck Dynasty Outrage,....

It's such a double standard.

When a white guy acts bad on TV, people rush to A&E and demand the show is cancelled.

When a black guy acts bad on TV, you don't see people rushing to Fox demanding they cancel COPS.

Two guys were walking their dogs....

Two guys were walking their dogs-one had a German Shepherd and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the Shepherd suggested going into a bar for a drink. The other man says, "They're not going to let dogs into the bar." And the first guy says, "No? Watch this." So he puts on some dark glasses, acts like the German Shepherd is a seeing-eye dog, walks into the bar and orders a drink. And no one says anything. So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on, and walks his Chihuahua into the bar. The bartender says, "Sorry-we don't allow dogs in here." And the man says, "It's okay-it's my seeing-eye dog." The bartender laughs and says, "This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?" And the guy says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

jokes about acts

My ex was gang raped by a troupe of mime artists.

They performed unspeakable acts on her.


I got raped by a troupe of mimes last night

They performed unspeakable acts.

There are a lot of tasteless criminal acts these days.

But bakery robbery really takes the cake.

Acts joke, There are a lot of tasteless criminal acts these days.

My friend's in a wheelchair and he acts like he's the toughest guy around.

He can talk the talk, but...

Did you here about the woman who got attacked by a gang of mimes?

They performed unspeakable acts on her.

My wife got so mad at me yesterday just for taking a nap

I mean she acts like we weren't buckled in

The two Propositional Logic professors at a local university are named Professor P and Professor Q.

Police question Professor P about the identity of a criminal who has committed a series of heinous acts. P implies Q.

You can explore acts repent reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean acts regulation dad jokes. There are also acts puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


This joke contains no nudity, no sexual acts, no alkohol drinking, no cheating, violence, bad language or anything provocative. It's so safe,

its a joke.

When I was a child, I was raped by a group of mimes.

They performed unspeakable acts on me.

What do you call a Mexican who acts like a white person?

A Juan-a-be

Why do people with a gluten allergy usually make for pretty funny comedians?

Because they always have silly acts.

Yesterday I was held hostage by a mime.

He performed unspeakable acts on me.

Acts joke, Yesterday I was held hostage by a mime.

I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes....

they performed unspeakable acts on me. ..!!

A young bear cub was roaming the jungle . An animal he had never seen before comes strolling out of the trees.

He asks " excuse me what kind of animal are you?"

The animal replys
" well, I am a tiger"

The bear acts suprised and says " are you sure? You don't look like a tiger."

The tiger says " Do you think I'm a lyin?"

I hate it when my sister acts all holier-than-thou

I know we both have the same number of holes


My Girlfriend constantly ignores and won't speak to me and acts like there are barriers between us

I feel constantly undermimed

Despite What the Media Says Justice is Colorblind

It sees black and white and acts accordingly.

What do you call an orange that commits illegal acts?

A Pulpetrator.

What do you call a River who acts in a very Childish way?

JuveNile!

My girlfriend acts like she's 13 in bed.

I don't see the point because she will be 13 next month.

My dad decided that he would start a business protecting famous comedy acts from financial risk

Hilarity ensured.

What do you call a girl who acts as mascot for KFC?

A chick.

Acts joke, What do you call a girl who acts as mascot for KFC?

What's the difference between Daniel Day Lewis and a Mexican Salamander?

One acts a little, one acts a lottle

Did you hear about the arena where they do lecherous acts? It's so busy that the only way you can get there is in a high-occupancy vehicle and taking the overpass.

It's a carpool tunnel sin-drome.

I finally found a woman just like my mother.

She dresses like her. She acts like her. Now my father don't like her.


Christmas tip:

Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace

While Megatron was gloating

He committed several acts of vehicular man's laughter

What do you call a swordfish that acts out scenes from the Godfather?

Marlin Brando

As a Christian I always take the holy bible into the bathroom to read

And I don't stop till all Acts are done

Donkey screws a girl

A new circus rolls into New York. Despite the new and wonderful acts, the circus keeps running at half-house.

Worried about his fortunes, the circus owner erects a board saying, 'Never seen before Act, at an invitational price of $69.... Donkey Screws a Girl'

As predicted, the show quickly sells out and the tent is packed to standing capacity....

The ringmaster walks in with a skimpily cladded female performer and a Donkey who looks capable of serious damage....followed by a clown carrying a covered tray.

The crowd goes wild as the performers take centre-stage..

The ringmaster then uncovers the tray with a flourish saying, 'Gentlemen, I present to you... Donkey, Screws, A Girl'


One of my most selfless acts was when I had several bones broken when stopping a fight.

Those kids never stood a chance

When a flat-Earther acts carelessly, what is he doing?

Living on the edge.

What is the difference between a creeper and a sneaker?

A creeper acts in poor taste; a sneaker tastes poor.

My teenage son treats me like a god.

He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.

Cardi B is a great actor

She acts like she can sing and people love her.

With all the talk about and acts of tearing down statues there should be a rule where a statue of a person stands for so many years before being re-evaluated...

We can call it the Statue of Limitations.

Marcel Marceau and Charlie Chaplin were booked to perform at a benefit.

Naturally since they were both silent performers, their acts relied purely on physical humor. The night of the performance they were backstage comparing notes and discovered they had planned to do almost the same bits: man stuck in box; man pulling rope; man walking against the wind; etc.

I guess it just goes to show, great mimes think alike.

Whenever I ask my friend what the first number in Japanese is, his allergy acts up

He always says, "It's itchy."

I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me...

I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.

I swear my neighbor is completely crazy! She was walking her dog this morning and talked to it the WHOLE time. She acts like it's a human!

When I got back to my apartment I told my cat all about it. We laughed about it for hours and hours...

Sean Connery is at his first day of Kindergarten...

The boy acts up, so the teacher tells him to go sit in the corner.

A few minutes later, a horrible smell begins to emanate from where Sean is.

"Sean!" The teacher screams, "What did you do that for?!"

"Well, Mish" Sean replies. "You did tell me to shit in the corner..."

Guns are like gum...

Pull it out in class and everyone acts like you've been best friends since kindergarten.

Wife comes home, sees her husband in bed with another woman...

\- "Charles, what are you doing!", the wife screams.

Husband thinks quickly, acts surprised...

\- "Camilla, is that you?" - \[*turns to woman next to him*\] - "then who the hell is this?"

I once was kidnapped by mimes.

They performed unspeakable acts

A woman enters a chicken shop

The owner has sold all his chickens spare one. The woman asks him for his biggest chicken, so he hands her the only one and says, "That'll be $3.50."

The woman says "For that price, I need a bigger chicken."

The owner goes over to his freezer, places the chicken inside and acts as if he's searching for a bigger one, then takes out the same chicken. He shows it to the woman and says, "This one will be $4.50."

The woman says, "Okay I'll buy both."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the acts plays jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working acts legislation piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes