Acts Jokes

Following is our collection of repent humor and laws one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Acts puns for adults, dirty regulation jokes or clean behave gags for kids.

There is an abundance of plays jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 49 funniest jokes on acts. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any legislation witze you can hear about acts.

The Best jokes about Acts

When I was a child, I was raped by a group of mimes.

They performed unspeakable acts on me.

I got raped by a troupe of mimes last night

They performed unspeakable acts.

Did you here about the woman who got attacked by a gang of mimes?

They performed unspeakable acts on her.

My teenage son treats me like a god.

He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.

Two guys were walking their dogs....

Two guys were walking their dogs-one had a German Shepherd and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the Shepherd suggested going into a bar for a drink. The other man says, "They're not going to let dogs into the bar." And the first guy says, "No? Watch this." So he puts on some dark glasses, acts like the German Shepherd is a seeing-eye dog, walks into the bar and orders a drink. And no one says anything. So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on, and walks his Chihuahua into the bar. The bartender says, "Sorry-we don't allow dogs in here." And the man says, "It's okay-it's my seeing-eye dog." The bartender laughs and says, "This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?" And the guy says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"


A Calculus joke

Verbatim from what my professor just showed in one of my engineering classes:

e^x and a constant are walking down the street together when the constant sees a differential operator coming their way. He starts to run away, and e^x asks "Why are you running away?" The constant answers, "That's a differential operator. If it acts on me, I'll disappear." e^x says "I'm e^x, I don't have anything to worry about," and keeps walking. When he reaches the differential operator, he says "Hi, I'm e^x."

The differential operator responds, "Hi, I'm d/dy."

Christmas tip:

Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace

When a flat-Earther acts carelessly, what is he doing?

Living on the edge.

What's the difference between a politician and an actor?

One acts solely for money, the other is the actor.

Three old ladies smoking...

So three old ladies are sitting on a bench in front of a drug store enjoying a nice cigarette. All of a sudden it starts raining. Two of the ladies pull out condoms, unroll them over their burning cigarettes and then continue smoking. The third lady obviously asks about this, to which another lady replies: "Well whenever it starts raining we put a condom over the cigarette which acts like a raincoat and we can keep smoking!" The first lady thinks this is such a grand idea that she gets up and heads into the drug store. She walks all the way to the back counter and tells the pharmacist, "I'd like to buy a box of condoms, please." The pharmacist, a little confused and slightly grossed out, says, "Ok, what size would you like?" The old lady replies, "Oh it doesn't matter. Whatever you think will fit on a Camel.."

The circus was in town and was taking applications from the local townspeople for wildly unique acts.

The interviewer was at the end of a long fruitless day of these local no-talents, when the last applicant, Jack, stepped up to the table.

Ok , said the interviewer, what's your special talent?

I do bird imitations! , replied Jack.

The interviewer sighed and shook his head. I guess that about wraps it up! , he said. Listen, son, bird imitations are a dime a dozen!! No thanks.

And with that, Jack gave a defiant Fine !! , and turned and flew out the window.


I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me...

I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.

Cardi B is a great actor

She acts like she can sing and people love her.

Yesterday I was held hostage by a mime.

He performed unspeakable acts on me.

Donkey screws a girl

A new circus rolls into New York. Despite the new and wonderful acts, the circus keeps running at half-house.

Worried about his fortunes, the circus owner erects a board saying, 'Never seen before Act, at an invitational price of $69.... Donkey Screws a Girl'

As predicted, the show quickly sells out and the tent is packed to standing capacity....

The ringmaster walks in with a skimpily cladded female performer and a Donkey who looks capable of serious damage....followed by a clown carrying a covered tray.

The crowd goes wild as the performers take centre-stage..

The ringmaster then uncovers the tray with a flourish saying, 'Gentlemen, I present to you... Donkey, Screws, A Girl'

An elderly woman had just returned

to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled:

STOP! Acts 2:38! ( Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven. )

As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked:

Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.

Scripture? replied the burglar. She said she had an axe and two 38's!

A Firefighter, a Sheriff, and a Paramedic are trying to get into heaven...

St. Peter greets them and tells them regardless of their heroic acts, they'll need to be able to count to ten to get into heaven.

The Sheriff goes first. He hauls out his Colt .45 and counts the shots, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Let me try again!" So he reloads, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Nope, I only got 7 shots."

So the Paramedic steps up, "I can do this." He gets into CPR position, "1 and, 2 and, 3 and, 4 and, 5... 1 and, 2 and, 3 and, 4 and, 5... Nope, CPR only goes in rounds of five."

The firefighter reluctantly goes next... "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10"

"That's amazing!" St. Peter declares, "You're the first all week. Can you count any higher?"

"Sure, 10, jack, queen, king."

I swear my neighbor is completely crazy! She was walking her dog this morning and talked to it the WHOLE time. She acts like it's a human!

When I got back to my apartment I told my cat all about it. We laughed about it for hours and hours...

I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes....

they performed unspeakable acts on me. ..!!


My ex was gang raped by a troupe of mime artists.

They performed unspeakable acts on her.

What's the difference between Daniel Day Lewis and a Mexican Salamander?

One acts a little, one acts a lottle

On the Duck Dynasty Outrage,....

It's such a double standard.

When a white guy acts bad on TV, people rush to A&E and demand the show is cancelled.

When a black guy acts bad on TV, you don't see people rushing to Fox demanding they cancel COPS.

Whenever I ask my friend what the first number in Japanese is, his allergy acts up

He always says, "It's itchy."

Power of Scripture

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood.

"What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman.

She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked.

"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!"

Did you hear about the guy who was convicted for committing lewd acts on fruit at a grocery store? (Mildly NSFW)

He got off on a peel.

A young bear cub was roaming the jungle . An animal he had never seen before comes strolling out of the trees.

He asks " excuse me what kind of animal are you?"

The animal replys
" well, I am a tiger"

The bear acts suprised and says " are you sure? You don't look like a tiger."

The tiger says " Do you think I'm a lyin?"

New neighbor.

Two women were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.
"But he acts so stupid," said one to the other.

"I think he must have his brains between his legs."

"Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

My wife got so mad at me yesterday just for taking a nap

I mean she acts like we weren't buckled in

My dad decided that he would start a business protecting famous comedy acts from financial risk

Hilarity ensured.

The two Propositional Logic professors at a local university are named Professor P and Professor Q.

Police question Professor P about the identity of a criminal who has committed a series of heinous acts. P implies Q.

What do you call a River who acts in a very Childish way?

JuveNile!

With all the talk about and acts of tearing down statues there should be a rule where a statue of a person stands for so many years before being re-evaluated...

We can call it the Statue of Limitations.

My friend's in a wheelchair and he acts like he's the toughest guy around.

He can talk the talk, but...

My girlfriend acts like she's 13 in bed.

I don't see the point because she will be 13 next month.

What do you call an orange that commits illegal acts?

A Pulpetrator.

A man is in line at Office Depot

A man is in line at Office Depot, he's in the middle of the line.

Two people behind him say to him: were late to our abortion protest. The man said back saying: Yeah, were all gonna be late to something.

The two say again to the man: Were late to our abortion protest. The man then turned to them and said: Yeah but if you supported abortion, this line would be a lot shorter


Taken and shortened from a bit of Steve Hoffstetters comedy acts.
(Completely not mine just thought I'd share cause I thought it's funny)

Marcel Marceau and Charlie Chaplin were booked to perform at a benefit.

Naturally since they were both silent performers, their acts relied purely on physical humor. The night of the performance they were backstage comparing notes and discovered they had planned to do almost the same bits: man stuck in box; man pulling rope; man walking against the wind; etc.

I guess it just goes to show, great mimes think alike.

There are a lot of tasteless criminal acts these days.

But bakery robbery really takes the cake.

Why do people with a gluten allergy usually make for pretty funny comedians?

Because they always have silly acts.

What is the difference between a creeper and a sneaker?

A creeper acts in poor taste; a sneaker tastes poor.

One of my most selfless acts was when I had several bones broken when stopping a fight.

Those kids never stood a chance

I finally found a woman just like my mother.

She dresses like her. She acts like her. Now my father don't like her.

Despite What the Media Says Justice is Colorblind

It sees black and white and acts accordingly.

As a Christian I always take the holy bible into the bathroom to read

And I don't stop till all Acts are done

While Megatron was gloating

He committed several acts of vehicular man's laughter

Did you hear about the arena where they do lecherous acts? It's so busy that the only way you can get there is in a high-occupancy vehicle and taking the overpass.

It's a carpool tunnel sin-drome.

This joke contains no nudity, no sexual acts, no alkohol drinking, no cheating, violence, bad language or anything provocative. It's so safe,

its a joke.

What do you call a Mexican who acts like a white person?

A Juan-a-be

I hate it when my sister acts all holier-than-thou

I know we both have the same number of holes

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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