Actress Jokes

78 actress jokes and hilarious actress puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about actress that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Actress Short Jokes

Short actress jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The actress humour may include short actor jokes also.

  1. You know, I bet that actress from The Devil Wears Prada could do anything she puts her mind to. Where Anne Hathawill,
    Anne Hathaway.
  2. Did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband at dinner? Reese something.... Witherspoon?
    No with her knife!!!!
  3. Man 1: Did you hear that famous actress was stabbed? Man 2: No, who was it?
    Man 1: Reese...oh what's her name...
    Man 2: Witherspoon?
    Man 1: No, it was with a knife.
  4. How many aspiring actresses does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know - normally they screw in the casting director's hot tub
  5. Did you hear about the Hollywood actress that got murdered...? Person 1: Her name was Reese, errr, Reese, Reese whatshername...
    Person 2: Witherspoon?
    Person 1: No, with a knife.
  6. Did you hear about that retired actress who was a heretic from Lebanon who married a woman? She was a has-been thespian Wesleyan Lebanese lesbian.
  7. I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they're terrible. I think it's flabbercasting.
  8. The lead actress for Avatar Korra is going to be so hard for M. Knight Shyamalan to cast Gotcha :)
  9. What did they tell the most famous child actress from the 30's when she tried to audition for a role in Harry Potter? Shirley you can't be Sirius.
  10. Wedding Bells If the actress Tuesday Wells married the grandson of director Frederick March, would she become Tuesday March the third?

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Actress One Liners

Which actress one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with actress? I can suggest the ones about actor played and acting.

  1. Dad, are you having a crush on a young popular actress? Am I what, son?
  2. What's an adult actress' favourite drink? 7-Up in Cider.
  3. Elsa from Frozen is now an adult film actress starring in Let it grow
  4. What do you call a woman that is beautiful and smart? An actress.
  5. Who is a Vampires favorite actress? Neck-hole Kidman.
  6. Which actress stays consistent, especially in the winter time? Eva Green
  7. Which actress do you bring for a round of miniature golf? Minnie Driver
  8. What do you call an actress who likes other women? A plesbian
  9. Who is King Tut's favorite actress? Mia Farrow
  10. Breaking: Full House Actress Takes On Unexpected New Role. The Big House
  11. Yo mama so fat, if she was an actress She'd have a stunt triple!
  12. What do you call a vegan actress? Vegan Fox
  13. Caitlyn Jenner is going to be lead actress... In the next eX-men film.
  14. How did the actress from Legally Blonde die? Witherknife
  15. Which actress has the smallest car? Minnie Driver

Actress joke, Which actress has the smallest car?

Fun-Filled Actress Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle

What funny jokes about actress you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean movie star jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make actress pranks.

Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...

No, with a knife.

(JOKE)"ACTRESS BETTY WHITE" (vanndukeandsammy)

sammy:what did god say when he saw actress betty white?....vann duke:I don't know,tell me what did god say when he saw actress betty white?...sammy:mom?

Did you hear about that Hollywood actress who got stabbed?

Um what's her name? Blonde girl, Reece someone ....
No, no. It was with a knife.

About an actress.

Did you hear about that actress who killed her husband? Reese something...
No Witherknife.

Did you hear that the actress from Legally Blonde was stabbed? Reese... Erm... Reese...

No, with a knife.

What do a chop shop and a desperate actress have in common?

They both s**... for parts!

Did anyone hear about that actress that killed her husband?

Her name is Reese... something. I forget her last name.

Did you hear that actress from Legally Blonde was stabbed?

Me: Yeah. She was stabbed in California, in broad day light. The one from legally blonde. Reese....Something.... with-er... um...with-uh... ..ummm...
Friend: Witherspoon?
Me: No. With a knife.

This cracked me up at work tonight!

Did you hear about the famous actress that slit her t**... tonight?
What's her name?
Reese Witherspoon?
No with a knife

Two historians are discussing about the Holocaust

\- The holocaust wasn't that bad; says one of them.
\- Are you out of your mind?; the other one replies.
\- What if I were to kill 6 million Jews and one actress?
\- But why the actress?
\- See, nobody ever cares about the Jews.

A 65 year old actress with early Alzhiemer's got a Botox shot, and later regretted it.

She couldn't remember her lines.

Reese Witherspoon?

Ken: Did you hear about that famous actress who got stabbed outside her car today? Reese something?
You: Witherspoon?
Ken: No with a knife

Watching a s**... scene with my parents is so awkward.

My mom is such a bad actress.

"Did you hear about that actress who stabbed her husband in the news today?"

"Oh my goodness, no, who was it?"
"It was a little blonde haired woman, I always forget her last name though. The first name is Reese."
"No, with her knife."

A young actress runs into a famous movie producer in an elevator....

...she says "I'm a big fan of your work. I'll give you a b**... if you put me in one of your movies". He replies. "Ok, but what's in it for me?"

The man, The newspaper and the wife

A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope!
I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."
His wife said, 'Thank you.'

If 157 awards makes you an overrated actress, what does 6 bankruptcies make a businessman?

President of the United States

What do you call the main actress who suffers drug addiction?

The h**....

Did you hear about the actress that was on the news that stabbed her husband 67 times?

You: "Did you hear about the actress that was on the news that stabbed her husband 67 times with a fork? Her name was Reese ... uhm ..."
Friend: "Witherspoon?
You: "No, with a fork."

"Hey, some actress named Reese tried to kill herself last night."

"No. With a knife."

"Did you hear about that actress who killed her self?"

"Did you hear about that actress who killed herself? Her name was Reese something-or-other... I don't remember."
"No, no... with her knife."
A joke my 5th grade teacher told me years ago

My mom just told me this one

Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!?
Me: really? Who?
Mom: I can't remember her name, it was Reese something...
Me: Witherspoon?
Mom: no, with her knife

What's the difference between an actress and a h**....

That's not a very good defence Mr Weinstein.

So I was at a film awards event the other night... [n**...]

I was at a film awards event the other night. I went to the toilet and an actress came out a cubicle with a white mark on her dress. I said to her "Oh did you spill some mayo?" and she replied "No its a Harvey Weinstain"😉

Did you hear about that actress that got stabbed this morning?

I think her name was Reese something?

The actress who played the lead role in the local theatre production of Anne Frank's Diary was so bad

That the scene where the n**... entered the stage and said "where is she" the audience shouted "she's in the attic".

I can't believe Prince Harry, who's British royalty, is marrying African American actress Meghan Markle. Why would someone that rich and famous marry an obviously inferior genetic specimen? It's just unthinkable.

Though I suppose if Meghan wants to marry a ginger, it's none of my business.

News reports say actress Evanna l**... has been seen suddenly falling asleep in public places

I suspect Narglepsy is behind it.

Actress: I want to be in the Aladdin remake.

Harvey Weinstein: All you have to do is rub my lamp.

A man came up to me at work and asked if I had heard of the Actress that was killed..

I said Who?
Actually, with her knife
Day = Made

I dated an actress once...

It didn't work out. She was always pretending to be someone she's not.

People are getting angry about an actor practicing cannibalism on a female actress during the production of an action movie set in ancient Rome.

Personally, I'm gladiator.

Actresses and actors who lose an Oscar all get the opportunity to act together.

Happy for the person who won.

A teenage boy is talking with his friends.

A teenage boy is talking with his friends.
One of them asks - "How would you react if you recognized your favorite actor or actress in the streets?"
He responds - "I doubt I'd recognize them."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't often look at their face."

*Dad joke ALERT*

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
DAD: No, it was with a knife...

Told in a stand up act by a real woman comedian with a visible disability of cerebral palsy:

>I believe that you can do anything you want to do in life if you want it bad enough. That's why I'm going to be a brain surgeon!
Geri Jewell, comedian and actress

Did you see that the actress Kristen Stewart just coauthored a paper on artificial intelligence?

And it is still a better love story than Twilight.

A couple of italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."
The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"
"I don't know"
"I don't know."
"I don't know."
"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"
The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."

An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.

As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".

What's the difference between a h**... and an actress?

I don't think that's a very good defense mr weinstein

Hollywood marriages

TV interviewer: You were married four times: to a banker, to an actor, to a minister, and to an undertaker. Can you tell me why?
Legendary actress: Well, it was One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and Four to go!

(I'll see myself out, no need to push...)

I like the way that the main actress in *Interstellar* delivered her lines

She just Hathaway with words

My fiancé came home with this gem…

Him: Did you hear about the actress that stabbed herself? It was all over the news, can't remember her name…Reese something…
Me: o**..., Witherspoon??
Him: No, with a knife.
He got me good.

Rest in Peace

A well known Hollywood actress died in an accident and her numerous friends got together to hire the country's highest paid poet to compose an epitaph for her.
When the stone was laid across the top, it read:
"At last, she sleeps alone."

An artist is never appreciated at home

Just happened.
Wife, looking at IMDB: On, hey, that actress was born in Abu Dhabi.
Me: Yeah, I knew that. I could tell by her hair cut.
Wife: Her hair cut?
Me: Yeah. She has an Abu Dhabi do.
Wife: [3 seconds of silence] That was NOT funny.

Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: m**... Impossible.

The producer to his wife, an actress:

Producer: "Darling, will you marry again if I die?"
Wife: "I assume so, dear."
Producer: "Would you sleep in the same bed with him?"
Wife: "Yes, he would be my husband after all.
Producer: "Would you give him my golf clubs too?"
Wife: "No, he's left-handed."

Actress joke, Who is a Vampires favorite actress?

jokes about actress