Actress Jokes

Following is our collection of actresses humor and pornographic one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Actress puns for adults, dirty hollywood jokes or clean bollywood gags for kids.

There is an abundance of film jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 46 funniest jokes on actress. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any scenes witze you can hear about actress.

The Best jokes about Actress

My mom just told me this one

Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!?

Me: really? Who?

Mom: I can't remember her name, it was Reese something...

Me: Witherspoon?

Mom: no, with her knife

A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."

What's the difference between an actress and a hooker.

That's not a very good defence Mr Weinstein.

Watching a sex scene with my parents is so awkward.

My mom is such a bad actress.

I can't believe Prince Harry, who's British royalty, is marrying African American actress Meghan Markle. Why would someone that rich and famous marry an obviously inferior genetic specimen? It's just unthinkable.

Though I suppose if Meghan wants to marry a ginger, it's none of my business.


Teacher ask her pupils what they want to be when they grow up

Children give usual answers: Bill wants to be a pilot, Sue wants to be an actress. But when it comes to little Dave, his answer is a shock to everyone. Dave wants to be a homeless alcoholic with no penny in his pocket.



20 years go by and Dave is now rich, Really Rich.

He stands in his appartament on the top floor of the highest building on the continent, looking at the town of which he owns 3/4, with a glass of most exensive single malt in his hand, and he asks himself a question...



When did this all go wrong?

Did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband at dinner? Reese something....

Witherspoon?












No with her knife!!!!

The actress who played the lead role in the local theatre production of Anne Frank's Diary was so bad

That the scene where the Nazis entered the stage and said "where is she" the audience shouted "she's in the attic".

Man 1: Did you hear that famous actress was stabbed?

Man 2: No, who was it?

Man 1: Reese...oh what's her name...

Man 2: Witherspoon?

Man 1: No, it was with a knife.

"Did you hear about that actress who killed her self?"

"Did you hear about that actress who killed herself? Her name was Reese something-or-other... I don't remember."

"Witherspoon?"

"No, no... with her knife."

--

A joke my 5th grade teacher told me years ago

Did you hear about the Hollywood actress that got murdered...?

Person 1: Her name was Reese, errr, Reese, Reese whatshername...

Person 2: Witherspoon?

Person 1: No, with a knife.


What do you call a woman that is beautiful and smart?

An actress.

*Dad joke ALERT*

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

Did you hear about that retired actress who was a heretic from Lebanon who married a woman?

She was a has-been thespian Wesleyan Lebanese lesbian.

Which actress stays consistent, especially in the winter time?

Eva Green

What did they tell the most famous child actress from the 30's when she tried to audition for a role in Harry Potter?

Shirley you can't be Sirius.

If 157 awards makes you an overrated actress, what does 6 bankruptcies make a businessman?

President of the United States

A teenage boy is talking with his friends.

A teenage boy is talking with his friends.

One of them asks - "How would you react if you recognized your favorite actor or actress in the streets?"

He responds - "I doubt I'd recognize them."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't often look at their face."

People are getting angry about an actor practicing cannibalism on a female actress during the production of an action movie set in ancient Rome.

Personally, I'm gladiator.


Two historians are discussing about the Holocaust

\- The holocaust wasn't that bad; says one of them.

\- Are you out of your mind?; the other one replies.

\- What if I were to kill 6 million Jews and one actress?

\- But why the actress?

\- See, nobody ever cares about the Jews.

Did you hear that actress from Legally Blonde was stabbed?

Me: Yeah. She was stabbed in California, in broad day light. The one from legally blonde. Reese....Something.... with-er... um...with-uh... ..ummm...

Friend: Witherspoon?

Me: No. With a knife.

About an actress.

Did you hear about that actress who killed her husband? Reese something...

Witherspoon?

No Witherknife.

This cracked me up at work tonight!

Did you hear about the famous actress that slit her throat tonight?
What's her name?
Reese...
Reese Witherspoon?
No with a knife

So I was at a film awards event the other night... [nsfw]

I was at a film awards event the other night. I went to the toilet and an actress came out a cubicle with a white mark on her dress. I said to her "Oh did you spill some mayo?" and she replied "No its a Harvey Weinstain"😉

Actresses and actors who lose an Oscar all get the opportunity to act together.

Happy for the person who won.

"Did you hear about that actress who stabbed her husband in the news today?"

"Oh my goodness, no, who was it?"

"It was a little blonde haired woman, I always forget her last name though. The first name is Reese."

"Witherspoon?"

"No, with her knife."

Did you hear about the actress that was on the news that stabbed her husband 67 times?

You: "Did you hear about the actress that was on the news that stabbed her husband 67 times with a fork? Her name was Reese ... uhm ..."

Friend: "Witherspoon?

You: "No, with a fork."

Did you hear about that Hollywood actress who got stabbed?

Um what's her name? Blonde girl, Reece someone ....
"Witherspoon?"
No, no. It was with a knife.

Told in a stand up act by a real woman comedian with a visible disability of cerebral palsy:

>I believe that you can do anything you want to do in life if you want it bad enough. That's why I'm going to be a brain surgeon!

Geri Jewell, comedian and actress

A young actress runs into a famous movie producer in an elevator....

...she says "I'm a big fan of your work. I'll give you a blow job if you put me in one of your movies". He replies. "Ok, but what's in it for me?"

Did you see that the actress Kristen Stewart just coauthored a paper on artificial intelligence?

And it is still a better love story than Twilight.

Which actress do you bring for a round of miniature golf?

Minnie Driver

What do a chop shop and a desperate actress have in common?

They both strip for parts!

The man, The newspaper and the wife

A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope!
I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."
His wife said, 'Thank you.'

A man came up to me at work and asked if I had heard of the Actress that was killed..

I said Who?

Reese!

Witherspoon?

Actually, with her knife

Day = Made

Did anyone hear about that actress that killed her husband?

Her name is Reese... something. I forget her last name.

What do you call the main actress who suffers drug addiction?

The Heroin.

Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...

Witherspoon?

No, with a knife.

"Hey, some actress named Reese tried to kill herself last night."

"Witherspoon?"

"No. With a knife."

A 65 year old actress with early Alzhiemer's got a Botox shot, and later regretted it.

She couldn't remember her lines.

Reese Witherspoon?

Ken: Did you hear about that famous actress who got stabbed outside her car today? Reese something?
You: Witherspoon?
Ken: No with a knife

Actress: I want to be in the Aladdin remake.

Harvey Weinstein: All you have to do is rub my lamp.

What do you call an actress who likes other women?

A plesbian

News reports say actress Evanna Lynch has been seen suddenly falling asleep in public places

I suspect Narglepsy is behind it.

I dated an actress once...

It didn't work out. She was always pretending to be someone she's not.

Did you hear about that actress that got stabbed this morning?

I think her name was Reese something?

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes