The Best 91 Actor Jokes
Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of funny actor jokes. From classic one-liners to contemporary jokes, we've got something for everyone.
Top 10 Funniest Actor Jokes and Puns
What does an actor sing in the shower?
Soap opera
Did you guys hear about the C++ developer that wanted to become a famous actor?
He kept getting type cast.
Indian Father
**Indian boy:** Daddy I want to be an actor.
**Father:** Son, its pronounced *doctor*
An old actor has trouble getting work due to failing memory...
After contacting many people that he worked with in the past , he is finally able to land a job in a popular new Broadway play. The director tells him its only one line at the beginning of the play, but it is a very important line. It sets the mood for the rest of the play. It is ESSENTIAL he nails the line. The old actor emphasizes that he will nail it. The director reluctantly agrees and proceeds to tell him his role. You will take a beautiful rose, bring it to your nose and take a deep breath and say the following line: *Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress…* That's it. Do not screw this up! The old actor thanks him 10 times over and proceeds to practice for the next 2 weeks nonstop.
Opening night comes. It's a sold out theater. He takes to the stage, spotlight on him. He raises his hand, takes a deep breath and says the line perfectly * Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress… * Just after the line is delivered the auditorium burst into laughter. He walks off the stage distraught. I don't get it. I nailed the line perfectly. What happened? The director looks at him and yells YOU IDIOT! YOU FORGOT THE FLOWER!
What's the difference between a politician and an actor?
One acts solely for money, the other is the actor.
What famous actor pole-vaults over trees?
John TreeVolta
What famous actor is like a jail cell full of white guys?
Niggaless Cage
(My girlfriend came up with this today. We're not racist I swear. This just cracked me up.)
Who's the most canadian actor?
T. Hanks
I heard Chris Farley was turned down for the Sonic the Hedgehog's first voice actor
Apparently he sucked at speedballs
During the shooting of a movie...
Director: Now we'll let the lion out of the cage and he'll chase but don't worry he won't eat you.
Actor: What makes you so sure?
Director: It's in the script.
Actor: Has the lion read the script?
Dramatic Arts
Little Charlie has had his dreams set on becoming an actor, and, finally, he lands a part in the school play. He runs home after school to tell his dad. "That's fantastic!" his father replies. "Who do you play?" he asks. "Dad, I play a guy who's been married for twenty years!" His dad plants a hand on Charlie's shoulder, smiling sweetly, and says, "Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."
You can explore actor hollywood reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean actor theater dad jokes. There are also actor puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Three foreign actors applying for the part of an angry man are asked to call out their numbers. First one goes "Me first actor", second one goes "Me second actor". The third one smashes all furniture and goes...
"method actor"
The great English actor Colin Firth walks into a bar. Who walks in after him?
Colin Thecond
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
10.
1 to change it and 9 to say they could have done it better.
Which black actor supports the right to bear arms?
More gun, free man.
Three actors are deciding on roles for a movie about classical music.
Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all taking part in a new movie about classical composers.
"I think I'll play Beethoven!" declared Matt.
"I'd like the role of Mozart!" Brad decided.
"I'll be Bach." said Arnie.
Breaking Celebrity News! Academy Award winning Actor, Simmons, and children's book Author, Rowling, eloped earlier today.
JK
The script for the upcoming Tetris movie is terrible
Each actor just says four lines and then disappears.
An actor was fired from a movie for being a cocaine addict.
He kept blowing his lines.
A South African actor walks into his managers office (original joke)
Looking for a job. His manager thinks about it and says "we only have one role available at the moment, it's a short film about segregation"
The actor replies "great, that sounds like a-part-heid take"
If the actor who plays Wolverine were to reveal that he's been a con-artist his entire life....
Would that mean this has all been a huge act, man?
People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.
I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.
Chuck Norris, the actor, film producer and screenwriter died in his house today at 76 years of age
He is now feeling much better and has fully recovered from this minor annoyance
2016 has done the impossible
It claimed the life of Chuck Norris.
"Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris (born March 10, 1940) is an American martial artist, actor, film producer and screenwriter died this morning in his house in Oklahoma at the age of 76. He is feeling much better now and has fully recovered from this minor annoyance."
Why did the overweight actor fall through the theater floor?
It was just a stage he was going through
What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house?
Mortgage freeman.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor?
It was just a stage he was going through.
As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today...
All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...
Did ABC purposefully mix up the Best Picture announcement in an effort to drive ratings?
After some careful research I've found nearly everybody on that stage to be a paid actor!
I just don't know about this actor they have playing Pennywise in the new IT movie...
He's got some big shoes to fill.
"That is him." I said to my wife in the shopping centre.
"That's Kenny Baker, the actor who played R2D2 in Star Wars."
"Are you sure?" she asked. "It doesn't look like him, go on over and ask."
A couple of minutes later I walked back over to her. "Well, what did he say?"
"Nothing." I said. "It's a rubbish bin."
The actor of Hagrid asked me why I want his signature
I said: "I am a giant fan!"
Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away
His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred
What is Arnold Schwarzenegger now that he's not an actor?
An exterminator
Why was John F. Kennedy secretly a more successful actor than Ronald Reagan?
He always knew how to take the perfect headshot.
What do actors do when they make a mistake?
They react.
Some actors were planning to make a movie on famous composers
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks were all making a movie about famous composers. Leo said, "I'd like to play Beethoven." Tom said, "I'd like to play Mozart." Arnie said "I'll be Bach"
That World Series game was so long...
When it started Kevin Spacey was still a respected actor.
Two cannibals are eating an actor
One turns to the other and says "Tastes pretty overdone to me"
What did The Rock go by after he became a washed up actor?
The Sediment
Kevin Spacey is no longer going to be an actor. He's going to teach guitar.
Be cause he's good at fingering A Minor.
Did you hear about the Italian Chef?
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. He was a real pizza work. You never sausage a guy. Sad about his brother, the broadway actor, in jail because he tried to rigatoni. His friend, the french chef, didn't make it to work- he couldn't make the escargot.
Young Actor: "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years."
Father: "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."
I can't even picture my favorite actor going to jail now.
But if he does, he'll have to change his name to Morgan Man.
Why do we tell all actors to 'break a leg'?
Because every play has a cast.
How was your job interview yesterday?
Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting foron the table....
He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop...
He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of "The wolf of wall street" movie...
So I took the laptop and left...
Left... ?? Then what ??
Nothing...
30 minutes later he called me up, begging me to return his laptop to him coz all his work and important documents were in it.....
So I asked him:
Will you buy it ??
I just met the guy in all those pain reliever commercials on TV
It turns out that he's an aspirin actor.
Did you hear about the actor who only won an award because of the Italian mafia?
It turns out they really know how to rig a Tony.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
You know which actor is best known for his headshot?
John Wilkes Booth
People are getting angry about an actor practicing cannibalism on a female actress during the production of an action movie set in ancient Rome.
Personally, I'm gladiator.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar
and ordered a drink.
Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff, said the bartender.
Just call me Hoff, the actor replied.
Sure, the bartender said, no hassle.
Who is CRISPR's favorite actor?
Gene Hackman
A woman married four times: to a tycoon, an actor, a preacher, and an undertaker.
One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.
Landlord: That Spanish actor out of Skyfall was kicking off in my pub the other night.
Customer: Javier Bardem?
Landlord: No, but he IS on his final warning.
A teenage boy is talking with his friends.
A teenage boy is talking with his friends.
One of them asks - "How would you react if you recognized your favorite actor or actress in the streets?"
He responds - "I doubt I'd recognize them."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't often look at their face."
Cardi B is a great actor
She acts like she can sing and people love her.
My wife told me this one...
Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around discussing a movie they want to make.
DiCaprio says I'll be the lead actor
Clooney says I guess I'll be the director then
McConaughey says I'll write, I'll write, I'll write
The original actor who played Captain Kirk tried to start a Star Trek themed line of women's lingerie.
But no one would invest in Shatner Panties.
(An oldie, but deserved a fresh posting)
Just read that actor Maria Mercedes broke off her engagement to William Shatner.
She realized she'd be known as Maria Shatner Mercedes.
I was playing an updated version of Oregon Trail voiced by Terry Crews.
I made the comment that he wasn't a good voice actor, and the game abruptly ended. Apparently, I died of dissin' Terry.
I hate having to gain weight to play a role...
and then remembering I'm not an actor.
Why do actors tell each other to "break a leg"?
Because every play needs a cast.
A zoo's only gorilla dies...
so the zookeeper hires an actor to wear a gorilla costume until the zoo can get another one.
In the gorilla pen the actor makes faces, beats his chest, swings around, and soon draws a huge crowd. Encouraged, he then crawls atop a beam across the lion's enclosure, taunting the animal below. But, in horror, he lost his grip, falling into the lion's cage.
Terrified, the actor shouts, Help! Help me! Too late. The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers urgently, Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!
Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around discussing a movie they want to make.
DiCaprio says I'll be the lead actor
Clooney says I guess I'll be the director McConaughey says I'll write, I'll write, I'll write
What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?
671 Hallmark movies.
What's the name of that one eyed pirate movies actor?
Eye Patchino
What do you call it when an famous English actor goes on a big, long tirade?
A huge rant
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
Hollywood marriages
TV interviewer: You were married four times: to a banker, to an actor, to a minister, and to an undertaker. Can you tell me why?
Legendary actress: Well, it was One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and Four to go!
(I'll see myself out, no need to push...)
When you're too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument...
...you become a comedian.
During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney
It's a huge act, man..
Did you hear about the cocaine addicted improv actor?
He was constantly thinking about his next line
Which actor could never play Quasimodo?
Humpfree Bogart
I asked Mike Tyson who his favorite actor was and he said Colin Firth
And when I asked him who came after that he said "Colin Thecond".
You know, the saddest thing about Dwayne Johnson's success as a movie actor is how he's completely forgotten his brothers who got him there.
Paper and Scissors.
What's the worst advice ever given to an actor
"Be yourself"
"Never trust an actor with a gun"
said Abraham Lincoln
As an actor, you either die,
Or live long enought to play Batman.
What do you call an actor who finished paying-off his house loan?
Mortgage Freeman
Please, no jokes about the passing of singer and 'Rocky Horror' actor Meat Loaf.
For a great many people that's a rather tender subject.
Which actor drives the least?
Christopher Walken
A President, an Actor and a Soldier try to go in to a bar
But his balls were too big to fit through the double doors.
Stalin is attending the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie with his fellow Party members.
He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."
Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"
Stalin replies, "Good idea! First shave, then shoot!"
What's the difference between a president and and actor?
One leads the land, the other lands the lead.
My actor friend came out to me today.
Turns out they're a thespian.
Can anyone tell me the actors name who played Forest Gump?
T hanks.
What does the actor who plays Bucky Barnes have in commom with his overzealous supporters?
They're all Sebastian stans.
...and preparing for the role in this movie I had to gain 50 pounds.
- But aren't you a voice-over actor?
- Little details...
What do you call a theater major who works hard to portray his drug addict role?
A meth-head actor
Most people don't realize that the actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun: Maverick...
...is the same actor who played Wilson in the 2000 movie "Castaway".
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