Actor Jokes

Following is our collection of bollywood humor and actress one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Actor puns for adults, dirty film jokes or clean producer gags for kids.

There is an abundance of stallone jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 89 funniest jokes on actor. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any forgetful actor witze you can hear about actor.

The Best jokes about Actor

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar

and ordered a drink.

Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff, said the bartender.

Just call me Hoff, the actor replied.

Sure, the bartender said, no hassle.

What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house?

Mortgage freeman.

Dramatic Arts

Little Charlie has had his dreams set on becoming an actor, and, finally, he lands a part in the school play. He runs home after school to tell his dad. "That's fantastic!" his father replies. "Who do you play?" he asks. "Dad, I play a guy who's been married for twenty years!" His dad plants a hand on Charlie's shoulder, smiling sweetly, and says, "Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor?

It was just a stage he was going through.


Young Actor: "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years."

Father: "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."

What do actors do when they make a mistake?

They react.

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today...

All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...

That World Series game was so long...

When it started Kevin Spacey was still a respected actor.

If the actor who plays Wolverine were to reveal that he's been a con-artist his entire life....

Would that mean this has all been a huge act, man?


How was your job interview yesterday?

Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting foron the table....

He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop...

He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of "The wolf of wall street" movie...

So I took the laptop and left...

Left... ?? Then what ??

Nothing...

30 minutes later he called me up, begging me to return his laptop to him coz all his work and important documents were in it.....

So I asked him:

Will you buy it ??

An old actor has trouble getting work due to failing memory...

After contacting many people that he worked with in the past , he is finally able to land a job in a popular new Broadway play. The director tells him its only one line at the beginning of the play, but it is a very important line. It sets the mood for the rest of the play. It is ESSENTIAL he nails the line. The old actor emphasizes that he will nail it. The director reluctantly agrees and proceeds to tell him his role. You will take a beautiful rose, bring it to your nose and take a deep breath and say the following line: *Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress…* That's it. Do not screw this up! The old actor thanks him 10 times over and proceeds to practice for the next 2 weeks nonstop.

Opening night comes. It's a sold out theater. He takes to the stage, spotlight on him. He raises his hand, takes a deep breath and says the line perfectly * Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress… * Just after the line is delivered the auditorium burst into laughter. He walks off the stage distraught. I don't get it. I nailed the line perfectly. What happened? The director looks at him and yells YOU IDIOT! YOU FORGOT THE FLOWER!

"That is him." I said to my wife in the shopping centre.

"That's Kenny Baker, the actor who played R2D2 in Star Wars."

"Are you sure?" she asked. "It doesn't look like him, go on over and ask."

A couple of minutes later I walked back over to her. "Well, what did he say?"

"Nothing." I said. "It's a rubbish bin."

Why do we tell all actors to 'break a leg'?

Because every play has a cast.

What famous actor is like a jail cell full of white guys?

Niggaless Cage


(My girlfriend came up with this today. We're not racist I swear. This just cracked me up.)

Did you guys hear about the C++ developer that wanted to become a famous actor?

He kept getting type cast.

I can't even picture my favorite actor going to jail now.

But if he does, he'll have to change his name to Morgan Man.

A Well-Planned Life?

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "
"Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
She answered:
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."


What's the difference between a politician and an actor?

One acts solely for money, the other is the actor.

Did ABC purposefully mix up the Best Picture announcement in an effort to drive ratings?

After some careful research I've found nearly everybody on that stage to be a paid actor!

Cardi B is a great actor

She acts like she can sing and people love her.

The great English actor Colin Firth walks into a bar. Who walks in after him?

Colin Thecond

The Pope's son

An actor and his wife are about to have a baby, but they realize that they can't afford to have a baby. They didn't want to go through the long process that is adoption. However, the pope was there at the same hospital getting a prostate examination. The actor has a plan, after the baby is born, the actor steals a doctor's coat and sneaks into the room where the pope was getting examined. After the doctors leave the room, he walks in holding the baby and exclaims, "Congratulations, it's a boy!" Startled and confused, the pope accepts the child and brings him back to Italy.

The child grows into a God fearing man, someone that the pope would be proud of. One day, the son walks up to pope and asks, "Are you my real father?" The pope, looks down at his feet for a moment, then looks up and says, "Forgive me my child, for I am not your father." His son then asks, "Do you know who is?" The pope answers, "Yes, it's the Archbishop. I'm your mother."

A South African actor walks into his managers office (original joke)

Looking for a job. His manager thinks about it and says "we only have one role available at the moment, it's a short film about segregation"
The actor replies "great, that sounds like a-part-heid take"

My wife told me this one...

Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around discussing a movie they want to make.

DiCaprio says I'll be the lead actor

Clooney says I guess I'll be the director then

McConaughey says I'll write, I'll write, I'll write

What famous actor pole-vaults over trees?

John TreeVolta

Why did the overweight actor fall through the theater floor?

It was just a stage he was going through

I just met the guy in all those pain reliever commercials on TV

It turns out that he's an aspirin actor.

What is Arnold Schwarzenegger now that he's not an actor?

An exterminator

The actor of Hagrid asked me why I want his signature

I said: "I am a giant fan!"

Which black actor supports the right to bear arms?

More gun, free man.

During the shooting of a movie...

Director: Now we'll let the lion out of the cage and he'll chase but don't worry he won't eat you.

Actor: What makes you so sure?

Director: It's in the script.

Actor: Has the lion read the script?

A woman married four times: to a tycoon, an actor, a preacher, and an undertaker.

One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

The script for the upcoming Tetris movie is terrible

Each actor just says four lines and then disappears.

Breaking news!

Corona Virus claims a black belt. Chuck Norris, Dead at 80.

Carlos Ray Chuck Norris, famous actor and fighter, died yesterday afternoon at his home in Northwood Hills, TX at the age of 80.

Chuck Starred in dozens of movies and Tv series which have, and continue to entertain millions of people.

He was also a master of martial arts, which was the cause of his initial fame in the movie industry.

However, after his minor inconvenience of death, Chuck has made a full recovery, and is reported to be doing quite well.

It has also been reported that the Corona virus is in self isolation for 14 days due to being exposed to Chuck Norris.

Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?

Rigor Mortissen

Who's the most canadian actor?

T. Hanks

Did you hear about the actor who only won an award because of the Italian mafia?

It turns out they really know how to rig a Tony.

Did you hear about the Italian Chef?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. He was a real pizza work. You never sausage a guy. Sad about his brother, the broadway actor, in jail because he tried to rigatoni. His friend, the french chef, didn't make it to work- he couldn't make the escargot.

What did The Rock go by after he became a washed up actor?

The Sediment

Two cannibals are eating an actor

One turns to the other and says "Tastes pretty overdone to me"

Kevin Spacey is no longer going to be an actor. He's going to teach guitar.

Be cause he's good at fingering A Minor.

Indian Father

**Indian boy:** Daddy I want to be an actor.

**Father:** Son, its pronounced *doctor*

Landlord: That Spanish actor out of Skyfall was kicking off in my pub the other night.

Customer: Javier Bardem?

Landlord: No, but he IS on his final warning.

Some actors were planning to make a movie on famous composers

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks were all making a movie about famous composers. Leo said, "I'd like to play Beethoven." Tom said, "I'd like to play Mozart." Arnie said "I'll be Bach"

Three actors are deciding on roles for a movie about classical music.

Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all taking part in a new movie about classical composers.

"I think I'll play Beethoven!" declared Matt.

"I'd like the role of Mozart!" Brad decided.

"I'll be Bach." said Arnie.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

10.

1 to change it and 9 to say they could have done it better.

You know which actor is best known for his headshot?

John Wilkes Booth

Breaking Celebrity News! Academy Award winning Actor, Simmons, and children's book Author, Rowling, eloped earlier today.

JK

Who is CRISPR's favorite actor?

Gene Hackman

An actor was fired from a movie for being a cocaine addict.

He kept blowing his lines.

What does an actor sing in the shower?

Soap opera

A teenage boy is talking with his friends.

A teenage boy is talking with his friends.

One of them asks - "How would you react if you recognized your favorite actor or actress in the streets?"

He responds - "I doubt I'd recognize them."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't often look at their face."

People are getting angry about an actor practicing cannibalism on a female actress during the production of an action movie set in ancient Rome.

Personally, I'm gladiator.

Chuck Norris, the actor, film producer and screenwriter died in his house today at 76 years of age

He is now feeling much better and has fully recovered from this minor annoyance

A Scottish bouncer walks into his local pub...

...and the bartender says:

"We could have used you in here last night, we had that Spanish actor from that Coen brothers film in, smashing the place up."

"Oh, Javier Bardem?"

"No. We just kicked him out."

I just found out the actor who played Mini-Me in Austin Powers died.

rip

2016 has done the impossible

It claimed the life of Chuck Norris.

"Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris (born March 10, 1940) is an American martial artist, actor, film producer and screenwriter died this morning in his house in Oklahoma at the age of 76. He is feeling much better now and has fully recovered from this minor annoyance."

The Chancellor of Germany, Prince Harry's wife, and the actor who played Gollum should set up an emporium of pubic wigs in Sarkel, Russia

...and call it "Merkel, Markle and Serkis' Sarkel Merkin Circus"

Who's your favorite James Bond actor?

They're all good but I like Roger Moore.

Turns out the racist attack on the actor from empire was total bullsh**

I could smollett from a mile away.

There are actors called Tom Holland and Tom Hollander

I can only deduce from this that there are also actors called Tom Holland With A Vengeance, Live Free or Tom Holland & A Good Day To Tom Holland.

What did the director say after the actor took the wrong number of pills on the first shoot of a scene?

"Take two!"

If you need a distraction from the election there is a new American reality TV series starting soon.

It's called The White House. Apparently the lead actor has been given a 4 season contract.

I wrote a 200,000 word novel about a French actor who is persecuted for his art.

It's called, "Mime and Punishment".

How did Christian Bale get so skinny for "The Machinist"?

He's a methhead actor.

What does an actor eat for breakfast?

Prop tarts.


Bonus: What does an actor eat for a snack?

A: Prop corn.

Why was John F. Kennedy secretly a more successful actor than Ronald Reagan?

He always knew how to take the perfect headshot.

An actor had been struggling to find work . . .

He would get repeatedly rejected from every audition. One day he tried out for a role as a vampire. The casting director told him he had never seen anyone suck so bad.

I just don't know about this actor they have playing Pennywise in the new IT movie...

He's got some big shoes to fill.

What do you call a blonde actor with a long neck?

Charlize Heron

You're always going to be the best version of you!

Unless, of course, there's an actor better at being you than you are at being you.

My wife Emily and I have a celebrity exemption rule for extramarital affairs.

Evidently she thought it included the actor playing George in the local production of "Our Town."

Who is the most hated actor in Saudi Arabia?

Shia Labeouf

Tommy Wiseau was considering casting Dumbo as a lead actor

He changed his mind because nobody would talk about the elephant in the room.

Three foreign actors applying for the part of an angry man are asked to call out their numbers. First one goes "Me first actor", second one goes "Me second actor". The third one smashes all furniture and goes...

"method actor"

When actors get drunk

To play a scene where a character is drunk it's method acting



So I'm sure breaking bad must have had plenty of meth head acting

What do you call an actor thats a program?

What do you call a guy thats an actor and a program?
Matt Daemon Tools.

Fun fact: The actor Yul Brynner was a lifelong Liverpool fan and never wore aftershave.

That's right, Yul never wore cologne.

Why do we tell actors to break a leg

Because every play has a cast

It's a little known fact that superstar actor Yul Brynner was a huge Liverpool F.C fan. He also refused to use aftershave as it made his skin come up in hives.....

Yul never wore cologne!

I hate gaining ten pounds for a role

And then realising I'm not an actor.

Sean Connery's doctor told him...

...that it wasn't healthy to keep eating entire eggs, shells and all. "Just give it up for 40 days in the spring, and I bet you'll feel better."

The actor took his advice, and returned after 40 days.

"How was it?" the doctor asked.

Sean Connery smiled. "Eggshell-Lent!"

A neck beard passes actor Lucas Till on the street

Tips fedora: M'gyver

What do you call an actor that spent all his money on condoms?

Johnny Debt.

Owen Wilson is an ok actor...

I personally like his brother more, even though he doesn't have that "wow" factor.

My mate from up North owns a pub.

He was telling me other night that he's been having trouble with a famous Spanish actor who keeps coming into his pub and causing chaos.

Javier Bardem? I asked

I've tried," he replied, but he just keeps comin' back.

Heath Ledger

-So if Heath ledger was a method actor, and he killed himself while being the joker, what did he do for Broke Back Mountain? He was a gay cowboy.

-I have to guess he rode more than horses.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes