Following is our collection of bollywood humor and actress one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Actor puns for adults, dirty film jokes or clean producer gags for kids.
There is an abundance of stallone jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 89 funniest jokes on actor. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any forgetful actor witze you can hear about actor.
and ordered a drink.
Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff, said the bartender.
Just call me Hoff, the actor replied.
Sure, the bartender said, no hassle.
Mortgage freeman.
Little Charlie has had his dreams set on becoming an actor, and, finally, he lands a part in the school play. He runs home after school to tell his dad. "That's fantastic!" his father replies. "Who do you play?" he asks. "Dad, I play a guy who's been married for twenty years!" His dad plants a hand on Charlie's shoulder, smiling sweetly, and says, "Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."
I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.
It was just a stage he was going through.
Father: "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."
They react.
His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred
All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...
When it started Kevin Spacey was still a respected actor.
Would that mean this has all been a huge act, man?
Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting foron the table....
He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop...
He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of "The wolf of wall street" movie...
So I took the laptop and left...
Left... ?? Then what ??
Nothing...
30 minutes later he called me up, begging me to return his laptop to him coz all his work and important documents were in it.....
So I asked him:
Will you buy it ??
After contacting many people that he worked with in the past , he is finally able to land a job in a popular new Broadway play. The director tells him its only one line at the beginning of the play, but it is a very important line. It sets the mood for the rest of the play. It is ESSENTIAL he nails the line. The old actor emphasizes that he will nail it. The director reluctantly agrees and proceeds to tell him his role. You will take a beautiful rose, bring it to your nose and take a deep breath and say the following line: *Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress…* That's it. Do not screw this up! The old actor thanks him 10 times over and proceeds to practice for the next 2 weeks nonstop.
Opening night comes. It's a sold out theater. He takes to the stage, spotlight on him. He raises his hand, takes a deep breath and says the line perfectly * Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress… * Just after the line is delivered the auditorium burst into laughter. He walks off the stage distraught. I don't get it. I nailed the line perfectly. What happened? The director looks at him and yells YOU IDIOT! YOU FORGOT THE FLOWER!
"That's Kenny Baker, the actor who played R2D2 in Star Wars."
"Are you sure?" she asked. "It doesn't look like him, go on over and ask."
A couple of minutes later I walked back over to her. "Well, what did he say?"
"Nothing." I said. "It's a rubbish bin."
Because every play has a cast.
Niggaless Cage
(My girlfriend came up with this today. We're not racist I swear. This just cracked me up.)
He kept getting type cast.
But if he does, he'll have to change his name to Morgan Man.
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "
"Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
She answered:
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."
One acts solely for money, the other is the actor.
After some careful research I've found nearly everybody on that stage to be a paid actor!
She acts like she can sing and people love her.
Colin Thecond
An actor and his wife are about to have a baby, but they realize that they can't afford to have a baby. They didn't want to go through the long process that is adoption. However, the pope was there at the same hospital getting a prostate examination. The actor has a plan, after the baby is born, the actor steals a doctor's coat and sneaks into the room where the pope was getting examined. After the doctors leave the room, he walks in holding the baby and exclaims, "Congratulations, it's a boy!" Startled and confused, the pope accepts the child and brings him back to Italy.
The child grows into a God fearing man, someone that the pope would be proud of. One day, the son walks up to pope and asks, "Are you my real father?" The pope, looks down at his feet for a moment, then looks up and says, "Forgive me my child, for I am not your father." His son then asks, "Do you know who is?" The pope answers, "Yes, it's the Archbishop. I'm your mother."
Looking for a job. His manager thinks about it and says "we only have one role available at the moment, it's a short film about segregation"
The actor replies "great, that sounds like a-part-heid take"
Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around discussing a movie they want to make.
DiCaprio says I'll be the lead actor
Clooney says I guess I'll be the director then
McConaughey says I'll write, I'll write, I'll write
John TreeVolta
It was just a stage he was going through
It turns out that he's an aspirin actor.
An exterminator
I said: "I am a giant fan!"
More gun, free man.
Director: Now we'll let the lion out of the cage and he'll chase but don't worry he won't eat you.
Actor: What makes you so sure?
Director: It's in the script.
Actor: Has the lion read the script?
One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.
Each actor just says four lines and then disappears.
Corona Virus claims a black belt. Chuck Norris, Dead at 80.
Carlos Ray Chuck Norris, famous actor and fighter, died yesterday afternoon at his home in Northwood Hills, TX at the age of 80.
Chuck Starred in dozens of movies and Tv series which have, and continue to entertain millions of people.
He was also a master of martial arts, which was the cause of his initial fame in the movie industry.
However, after his minor inconvenience of death, Chuck has made a full recovery, and is reported to be doing quite well.
It has also been reported that the Corona virus is in self isolation for 14 days due to being exposed to Chuck Norris.
Rigor Mortissen
T. Hanks
It turns out they really know how to rig a Tony.
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. He was a real pizza work. You never sausage a guy. Sad about his brother, the broadway actor, in jail because he tried to rigatoni. His friend, the french chef, didn't make it to work- he couldn't make the escargot.
The Sediment
One turns to the other and says "Tastes pretty overdone to me"
Be cause he's good at fingering A Minor.
**Indian boy:** Daddy I want to be an actor.
**Father:** Son, its pronounced *doctor*
Customer: Javier Bardem?
Landlord: No, but he IS on his final warning.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks were all making a movie about famous composers. Leo said, "I'd like to play Beethoven." Tom said, "I'd like to play Mozart." Arnie said "I'll be Bach"
Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all taking part in a new movie about classical composers.
"I think I'll play Beethoven!" declared Matt.
"I'd like the role of Mozart!" Brad decided.
"I'll be Bach." said Arnie.
10.
1 to change it and 9 to say they could have done it better.
John Wilkes Booth
JK
Gene Hackman
He kept blowing his lines.
Soap opera
A teenage boy is talking with his friends.
One of them asks - "How would you react if you recognized your favorite actor or actress in the streets?"
He responds - "I doubt I'd recognize them."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't often look at their face."
Personally, I'm gladiator.
He is now feeling much better and has fully recovered from this minor annoyance
...and the bartender says:
"We could have used you in here last night, we had that Spanish actor from that Coen brothers film in, smashing the place up."
"Oh, Javier Bardem?"
"No. We just kicked him out."
rip
It claimed the life of Chuck Norris.
"Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris (born March 10, 1940) is an American martial artist, actor, film producer and screenwriter died this morning in his house in Oklahoma at the age of 76. He is feeling much better now and has fully recovered from this minor annoyance."
...and call it "Merkel, Markle and Serkis' Sarkel Merkin Circus"
They're all good but I like Roger Moore.
I could smollett from a mile away.
I can only deduce from this that there are also actors called Tom Holland With A Vengeance, Live Free or Tom Holland & A Good Day To Tom Holland.
"Take two!"
It's called The White House. Apparently the lead actor has been given a 4 season contract.
It's called, "Mime and Punishment".
He's a methhead actor.
Prop tarts.
Bonus: What does an actor eat for a snack?
A: Prop corn.
He always knew how to take the perfect headshot.
He would get repeatedly rejected from every audition. One day he tried out for a role as a vampire. The casting director told him he had never seen anyone suck so bad.
He's got some big shoes to fill.
Charlize Heron
Unless, of course, there's an actor better at being you than you are at being you.
Evidently she thought it included the actor playing George in the local production of "Our Town."
Shia Labeouf
He changed his mind because nobody would talk about the elephant in the room.
"method actor"
To play a scene where a character is drunk it's method acting
So I'm sure breaking bad must have had plenty of meth head acting
What do you call a guy thats an actor and a program?
Matt Daemon Tools.
That's right, Yul never wore cologne.
Because every play has a cast
Yul never wore cologne!
And then realising I'm not an actor.
...that it wasn't healthy to keep eating entire eggs, shells and all. "Just give it up for 40 days in the spring, and I bet you'll feel better."
The actor took his advice, and returned after 40 days.
"How was it?" the doctor asked.
Sean Connery smiled. "Eggshell-Lent!"
Tips fedora: M'gyver
Johnny Debt.
I personally like his brother more, even though he doesn't have that "wow" factor.
He was telling me other night that he's been having trouble with a famous Spanish actor who keeps coming into his pub and causing chaos.
Javier Bardem? I asked
I've tried," he replied, but he just keeps comin' back.
-So if Heath ledger was a method actor, and he killed himself while being the joker, what did he do for Broke Back Mountain? He was a gay cowboy.
-I have to guess he rode more than horses.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.