Activities Jokes

Following is our collection of fun humor and events one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Activities puns for adults, dirty petty jokes or clean sep gags for kids.

There is an abundance of hobbies jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 42 funniest jokes on activities. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any recreation witze you can hear about activities.

The Best jokes about Activities

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,

Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.

-Sincerely, your ISP.

Two young boys go to a store

They have $6 between them and want a cool toy. After shopping around they come up to the register with a box of tampons. The clerk asks "Why?" One little boy replies "It says on the box you can go swimming, horse-back riding, play tennis, and other activities!! We just need to figure out how they work."

Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day

It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.


"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"


There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.


"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"

The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.

"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"

Now the church was completely silent.

After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"

---

I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.

The Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Tom, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Tom and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Tom, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Tom quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night.

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover's spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. Uh, yes, officer?

The cop says: What are you doing?

The young man says: Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine.

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: And her, what is she doing?

The young man shrugs: Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater.

Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane… and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: What's your age, young man?

The young man says I'm 22, sir.

The cop asks: And her…what's her age?

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.


A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex.
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

LIAR

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

Bill,Marla and innocent son

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Detective Chen Lee

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir,

You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.

No fee, Chen Lee.

Sunday Afternoon quickie :D

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

I got a job assisting a fledgling orchestra with their day to day activities and helping to organize upcoming shows...

My official title is Band Aide.

(I thought of this in the shower, so it's definitely not funny)


The Quickie

Bob and Jen decided to have a little Sunday afternoon quickie but had to figure out what to do with their 10-year-old son since they lived in a small apartment. They cleverly thought to send him out on the balcony and have him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

A rich Texan is visiting Japan....

A rich Texan businessman is visiting Japan, so he decides to hire a Japanese hooker. That night, as they're reaching the climax of the night's activities, she begins yelling, "Nagasai! Nagasai!" He obviously doesn't speak the language, so he guesses she was yelling "Yes! Yes!".

The next day, the Texan goes to play golf with a group of fellow businessmen who are Japanese. On the green of one of the later holes, one of the businessmen sink a 35 foot, double breaking putt for an Eagle. Remembering the hooker from the night before, the Texan starts yelling "Nagasai! Nagasai!"

The group of businessmen turn to him with faces of confusion. The man who sank the putt then says "What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"

(I heard this joke this morning on 1310 KTCK in DFW)

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt is riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Afternoon Sex

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

After years of my mom telling me to bond with my stepdad...

We finally bonded over a shared annoyance of her forcing us to do bonding activities.

I guess you could call it ironic bonding.

During activities I'm like batteries

I'm never included

Brad and Stephanie decided..

..that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and ask him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled dad asked. "Their son Charlie is standing out on the balcony too," replied the boy.

Clever 8-year olds

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced...

"The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out...

"How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."


An afternoon quickie

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson knew that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. As his parents put their plan into operation, he began his commentary:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt Brown is riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason Smith is on his skate board!"
"Mr. and Mrs. Cooper are having noontime sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"

"Because Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony eating a Popsicle."

What do you call a Transformer that engages in illegal activities?

Optimus *Crime*.

A man wants to get it on with his wife in the morning but his 6 year old son is home.

He tells his son to go watch out of the window and start yelling out whatever he sees to get him distracted.
The son goes to the window and starts shouting loudly all the activities he is seeing.
"The milkman is delivering milk" he says.
"Two birds are chasing each other" he continues.
"Louder" the dad says. (Maybe to the son maybe to the wife)
"Mr. ANDREW IS WASHING HIS CAR" he says.
"JOHNNY'S PARENTS ARE HAVING SEX" he yells.
The dad stops and turns in surprise.
"How do you know" the dad asks.
"Because Johnny is at the window yelling out whatever he sees on the street"

A man walks into a gym

He walks up to the owner and says, Hey! What are all these lines for?

The owner replies, Oh, these are the lines to the different activities
That's the kick line, that's the weightlifting line, that's the squat line, that's the-
The owner paused, looking worried.

The mans says, what's wrong?

The owner slowly looks at him and yells, We forgot the punchline!

A refrigerant walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, how's it going there partner?

The refrigerant answers, well, not going so well, you see back when I was just a wee lad I always wanted to be so much more. I knew my life was being wasted on the mundane activities of day to day life. Then when I turned 5, I started....

**the bartender interrupts**

buddy I'm sorry can you speed it up? I've got customers to serve…

I'm sorry I can't, bad things happen when I condense

Imagine you're a millionaire. Write down your activities in a sheet of paper.

Teacher: Why are you not writing anything?

Me: I'm waiting for my secretary.

I think my neighbor might be involved in some illegal activities.

I heard him confess to tax evasion when I was smoking meth in his attic.

As compensation for their appalling behaviour, United Airlines are going to sponsor a lot more community sports and activities

Their first project will be Drag Racing

Haven't done any healthy activities during quarantine but still managed to stay in shape..

Unfortunately, the shape is potato.

I've come into a lot of cash recently doing unethical activities

If it wasn't dirty money before, it certainly is now.

Growing up my grandma loved reading me Mark Twain. It combined her to favorite activities,

Spending time with her grandson and using the N word.

A group of engineering students were discussing the nature of God.

The first student asserts that God is an electrical engineer, because of all the complex information and control signals running around in our nervous system.
The second student explains that God is a mechanical engineer, because of all the different kinds of activities that the human body can be trained to perform.
The third student says that God is a Systems Engineer, because the human brain is essentially a self-programming neural net computer.
The fourth student then quietly states that God is really a civil engineer, because nobody else would run a septic system through a recreational area.

West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar.

If you see this man staring in your windows,

warn the people next door.

What do you call a Prime Minister who spies on all your activities?

Justin Truding.

hehe.

Afternoon Sex when you have kids......

Afternoon Sex

Love what kids come up with...they know so much they are not
given credit for.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie with
their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on
the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all
the neighborhood activities...


- "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he
shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation:
- "An ambulance just drove by!"
- "Looks like the Anderson s have company," he called out.
- "Matt's riding a new bike!"
- "Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
- "Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced...
- "The Coopers are having sex."

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're
having sex?"

Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a
Popsicle."

What do you call the funny activities of a sexual deviant?

Hikinks.

New marketing campaign for outdoor activities:

camping... it's in-tents.

What do you call two debunked ghost sightings?

A pair'a'normal activities.

Grandma

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where
the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when
she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to
the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again
the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again
grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi
Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew: "They won't let me fart."

Med school interviewer: So concealer, what are your extracurricular activities

Concealer: I shadow

Sunday in an Irish church

It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.

"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"

There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.

"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"

The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.

"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"

Now the church was completely silent.

After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing the hymn number 369, 'Shall We Gather at the River?'"


---

I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.



Obama has suspended fundraising
activities

Postby Jack Flash Β» Sep 22 2012
10:12:03 am
In light of Mitt Romney's recent
statements to the press, Obama has
Obama has suspended fund raising
activities.


In light of Mitt Romney's recent statements to the press, President Obama has decided to let Mitt Romney do his campaigning for him.

You want some some dating advice? Here you go.

A man wanted to find a woman and asked the computer to find him the perfect match: "I want someone who is small and cute, loves the water sports and enjoys group activities."

Back came the answer: "Marry a penguin."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes