active Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious active puns

I was sexually active at 12

It's now 12:15 and my arm is killing me


Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?

Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him


Tornado warnings are active for Cleveland, Ohio.

Residents are invited to seek shelter in Cleveland Browns Stadium where there is no chance of a touchdown.


A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...

The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered

"Oh, is your daughter sexually active?" Asked the pharmacist.

"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"


A man brings his 12 year old daughter to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he needs birth control for his daughter.

Raising his eyebrows the doctor replies "Is your daughter sexually active?"

The man replies, "Sexually active? No. She usually just lays there and cries."


Doctor: are you active sexually?

Patient: define active, cause some active volcanoes didn't explode in hundreds of years.

Doctor: I'll write virgin.


A man goes to the doctor and says,

"I need some birth-control for my daughter."

"How old is your daughter?" the doctor asks.


"And she's sexually active!?!"

"No. She just fucking lays there and cries."


A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms.

He approaches the desk and says to the pharmacist "excuse me, do you have non latex? I need condoms for my 12 year old daughter but she's allergic to latex"

The pharmacist replies "yeah they should be right over.... wait.. did you say 12 year old daughter? .. your 12 year old daughter is sexually active?"

The man says "eh, not really. She just kind of lays there like her mother."


A man walks into the doctors office....(NSFW)

...and tells the doctor he would like to put his daughter on birth control. The doctor of course asks how old the daughter is.
The father responds "She's 13".
With a sense of shock, the doctor replies "Is she sexually active?!?!?!"
Without batting an eye the man replies "No.....she just lays there like her mother!"


A Man Goes Into A Pharmacy

And asks for birth control for his wife and seven year old daugher.
The pharmacist, shocked, exclaims "You're seven year old daughter is sexually active?!"
And the man just shrugs and says "Nah, she just lays there"


3rd Rose

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they had become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and of course the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia,she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.

"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."


People are surprised when I tell them that I have a 4.0GPA while working and maintaining an active social life

But hey, anything is possible if you lie.


What do you call an angry black man?

Typical. What do you call an angry white man?

Active shooter.


Sexually active

I was sexually active at 12....its now 12.14am and my hand is fuckin killing me.


A man from Oklahoma takes his daughter to the gynecologist...

He tells the doctor that he'd like to put her on birth-control pills. The doctor asks him how old she is.

"She's thirteen." the man says.

The doctor is somewhat startled, "That's seems a bit young, is she sexually active?"

The man replies, "Naw... she jus' lays there like 'er mother."


Two inspectors enter a classroom... see how active and intelligent the students were.

They both sit behind one of the kids. The teacher starts asking question, and the kid in front of the inspectors raises his hand at every question, but the teacher avoids him, knowing that he's stupid.

After a few minutes, the teacher gives up and lets the boy answer a question. The boy gets up and says:

"Miss, your ass is so damn sexy."

"How dare you? Get out right now!" says the teacher, irritated.

The boy gets up from his seat and, before leaving, he turns to the two inspectors:

"Hey, don't whisper if you don't know the answers."


Jokes I heard from a bartender.

My wife said that for Christmas, she wanted something that went from 0-200 in 6 seconds; so I got her a scale.

Did you hear about the 2 gay Irish men? Kevin Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzkevin.

So Hillary Clinton decides to have the talk with Chelsea. She asks if Chelsea is sexually active yet to which Chelsea replies, "Not according to Dad."


A blonde went to the doctor for birth control...

The doctor asked the customary question, "Are you sexually active?" The blonde responded, "Nope." So the doctor asked, "Well, what do you need birth control for? Heavy period?" The blonde responded, "No, I don't want to get pregnant!"

Puzzled, the doctor clarified, "I thought you said you weren't sexually active?" The blonde responded, "I'm not. I just lie there."


My 82 year old grandmother is still healthy and active. She doesn't even need glasses.

She drinks her whiskey straight from the bottle.


Man walks into a pharmacy . . .

. . . and asks the pharmacist for birth control for his twelve-year old daughter. The pharmacist looks shocked and asks incredulously, "Your TWELVE year-old daughter is sexually active?!" The man responds emphatically, "Hmmph, I wish! She mostly just lays there and cries."


Why did the pop band get cancer?

They were radio active.


At the elderly home:

A journalist had arrived to the elderly home to interview some of the people living there.
He started out by asking 92 year old Mary a few questions.
As he was about to finish off the interview he threw in an additional question, "So Mary, how long has it been since you were sexually active?"
Mary thought about it for a few seconds, and then answered "1945".
The journalist thoughtlessly responded" Wow, that's REALLY long ago"!
Mary looked perplexed as she said "Not really, it's only eight a clock now".


NSFW: a man goes to his doctor

A very sexually active man goes to his doctor.

"Doctor, you have to help me. My penis is extremely swollen and discolored"

The doctor takes a look and tells the man an amputation is required. Horrified the man leaves and seeks a second opinion, then a third, then a fourth. Each time the same opinion.

Lost and desperate he seeks out a Chinese medicine man. The man takes a long look at the penis and says:"your penis does not need to be amputated, American doctors just want your money. Dick will fall off all by itself in a few weeks"


Redneck Birth control

A redneck took his daughter to the Gynocologist.

They waited in the Doctor's office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father: "Well, what are we here for today"?

The father answered: "to get my daughter on birth control, Doc".

"Well, is your daughter sexually active?", asked the Doctor.

"No", answered the redneck, "she just lays there like her mother".


A man goes to see his doctor.

Man: Doc, I need to get some birth control for my daughter.

Doctor: Is she sexually active?

Man: No. She just lays there like her mother.


My doctor asked me, "Are you active sexually?" [NSFW]

I told her, "No, I just kind of lay there."


Ice Cream Truck

My grandfather passed away recently and when we asked grandma how he died she said it was while they were making love. Surprised, we asked how they manage to be sexually active at their age. Grandma revealed that granddad times his strokes with sound of the local church bell to keep his heart rate at a low steady pace. Confused, we asked how did he die then? Grandma said, well unfortunately, an ice cream truck came along.


When are bullies the most active?

In the meantime


My friend told me this gem the other day

A man walks into a doctor's office with his 8 year-old daughter. Looking at the nurse he asks "Excuse me, miss? I need to see someone about getting my daughter on birth control."
The nurse replies, "My god! Your daughter is sexually active?"
"Nah, she just lays there like her Mom."


Two girlfriends meet each other on the street.

Two girlfriends meet each other on the street.

A: How is your married life?

B: For the last couple of weeks my husband has been helping me a lot around the house: watching kids, cooking, groceries, cleaning, doing laundry…

A: How did you convince him to do that?

B: He read an article in one magazine that if a woman is less tired at the end of the day, then she is much more active in bed.

A: And, did it help him?

B: I don't know yet. He falls asleep as soon as he hits bed.. =/


Few Saturdays I switch off the light and stay the whole night in darkness

So that the neighbors might think that I've an active social life...


An Arkansas man takes his 12 year-old daughter to the doctor to get her on birth control

The doctor then asks the man, Your 12 year-old daughter is sexually active!?

The man replies, No, she's like her mother. She just lays there.


I walked into the pharmacist's office and asked for condoms for my 12 year old son.

The pharmacist asked "is your son sexually active?" I replied with "no he just lays there and cries."


A man takes his daughter to the doctor

A man takes his 11 year old daughter to the doctor and asks him to put her in birth control.

Concerned, the doctor replied, "I think she's a bit young to be sexually active.."

The father replies, "Well I wouldn't exactly call her *active*. She mostly just lies there."


When my dad was a doctor going through residency...

...he had this particularly notable patient.

He was asking her the usual questions:

Do you smoke? Nope.
Drink? On occasion.
Any drugs? No

All typical answers, until he got to his last question.

Are you sexually active? She stared at him for a moment before replying: "Well I don't just lay there..."


What are the best Active jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Active? Well, here are the best Active dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Active pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes