Active Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Active puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Active

I was sexually active at 12

It's now 12:15 and my arm is killing me

Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?

Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him

Tornado warnings are active for Cleveland, Ohio.

Residents are invited to seek shelter in Cleveland Browns Stadium where there is no chance of a touchdown.

A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...

The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered

"Oh, is your daughter sexually active?" Asked the pharmacist.

"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"

A man brings his 12 year old daughter to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he needs birth control for his daughter.

Raising his eyebrows the doctor replies "Is your daughter sexually active?"

The man replies, "Sexually active? No. She usually just lays there and cries."

Doctor: are you active sexually?

Patient: define active, cause some active volcanoes didn't explode in hundreds of years.

Doctor: I'll write virgin.

A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms.

He approaches the desk and says to the pharmacist "excuse me, do you have non latex? I need condoms for my 12 year old daughter but she's allergic to latex"

The pharmacist replies "yeah they should be right over.... wait.. did you say 12 year old daughter? .. your 12 year old daughter is sexually active?"

The man says "eh, not really. She just kind of lays there like her mother."

A man walks into the doctors office....(NSFW)

...and tells the doctor he would like to put his daughter on birth control. The doctor of course asks how old the daughter is.
The father responds "She's 13".
With a sense of shock, the doctor replies "Is she sexually active?!?!?!"
Without batting an eye the man replies "No.....she just lays there like her mother!"

A Man Goes Into A Pharmacy

And asks for birth control for his wife and seven year old daugher.
The pharmacist, shocked, exclaims "You're seven year old daughter is sexually active?!"
And the man just shrugs and says "Nah, she just lays there"

3rd Rose

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they had become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and of course the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia,she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.

"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

People are surprised when I tell them that I have a 4.0GPA while working and maintaining an active social life

But hey, anything is possible if you lie.

I was sexually active at 10

It is now 10:15 and my arm is still sore...

What do you call an angry black man?

Typical. What do you call an angry white man?


Active shooter.

Doctor Joke

Doctor: What brings you here?

Patient: My car hahaha

Doctor: \*writing in chart\* not sexually active

A man from Oklahoma takes his daughter to the gynecologist...

He tells the doctor that he'd like to put her on birth-control pills. The doctor asks him how old she is.

"She's thirteen." the man says.

The doctor is somewhat startled, "That's seems a bit young, is she sexually active?"

The man replies, "Naw... she jus' lays there like 'er mother."

Jokes I heard from a bartender.

My wife said that for Christmas, she wanted something that went from 0-200 in 6 seconds; so I got her a scale.


Did you hear about the 2 gay Irish men? Kevin Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzkevin.


So Hillary Clinton decides to have the talk with Chelsea. She asks if Chelsea is sexually active yet to which Chelsea replies, "Not according to Dad."

A blonde went to the doctor for birth control...

The doctor asked the customary question, "Are you sexually active?" The blonde responded, "Nope." So the doctor asked, "Well, what do you need birth control for? Heavy period?" The blonde responded, "No, I don't want to get pregnant!"

Puzzled, the doctor clarified, "I thought you said you weren't sexually active?" The blonde responded, "I'm not. I just lie there."

My 82 year old grandmother is still healthy and active. She doesn't even need glasses.

She drinks her whiskey straight from the bottle.

Man walks into a pharmacy . . .

. . . and asks the pharmacist for birth control for his twelve-year old daughter. The pharmacist looks shocked and asks incredulously, "Your TWELVE year-old daughter is sexually active?!" The man responds emphatically, "Hmmph, I wish! She mostly just lays there and cries."

At the elderly home:

A journalist had arrived to the elderly home to interview some of the people living there.
He started out by asking 92 year old Mary a few questions.
As he was about to finish off the interview he threw in an additional question, "So Mary, how long has it been since you were sexually active?"
Mary thought about it for a few seconds, and then answered "1945".
The journalist thoughtlessly responded" Wow, that's REALLY long ago"!
Mary looked perplexed as she said "Not really, it's only eight a clock now".

Why did the pop band get cancer?

They were radio active.

Redneck Birth control

A redneck took his daughter to the Gynocologist.

They waited in the Doctor's office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father: "Well, what are we here for today"?

The father answered: "to get my daughter on birth control, Doc".

"Well, is your daughter sexually active?", asked the Doctor.

"No", answered the redneck, "she just lays there like her mother".

My doctor asked me, "Are you active sexually?" [NSFW]

I told her, "No, I just kind of lay there."

A man goes to see his doctor.

Man: Doc, I need to get some birth control for my daughter.

Doctor: Is she sexually active?

Man: No. She just lays there like her mother.

Ice Cream Truck

My grandfather passed away recently and when we asked grandma how he died she said it was while they were making love. Surprised, we asked how they manage to be sexually active at their age. Grandma revealed that granddad times his strokes with sound of the local church bell to keep his heart rate at a low steady pace. Confused, we asked how did he die then? Grandma said, well unfortunately, an ice cream truck came along.

When are bullies the most active?

In the meantime

My friend told me this gem the other day

A man walks into a doctor's office with his 8 year-old daughter. Looking at the nurse he asks "Excuse me, miss? I need to see someone about getting my daughter on birth control."
The nurse replies, "My god! Your daughter is sexually active?"
"Nah, she just lays there like her Mom."

Two girlfriends meet each other on the street.

Two girlfriends meet each other on the street.


A: How is your married life?

B: For the last couple of weeks my husband has been helping me a lot around the house: watching kids, cooking, groceries, cleaning, doing laundry…


A: How did you convince him to do that?

B: He read an article in one magazine that if a woman is less tired at the end of the day, then she is much more active in bed.


A: And, did it help him?

B: I don't know yet. He falls asleep as soon as he hits bed.. =/

Breaking News in North Korea: 11.47PM - 1 active Covid case detected !

Update at 11.48PM - 0 active Covid cases

Few Saturdays I switch off the light and stay the whole night in darkness

So that the neighbors might think that I've an active social life...

An Arkansas man takes his 12 year-old daughter to the doctor to get her on birth control

The doctor then asks the man, Your 12 year-old daughter is sexually active!?

The man replies, No, she's like her mother. She just lays there.

A woman visited her doctor for her annual exam. The doctor asked, Are you and your husband sexually active? Yes, we have verbal sex everyday. the woman answered. Verbal sex? I think you mean oral sex! the doctor laughed. No, I mean verbal sex. the woman persisted.

Every morning my husband and I pass each other in the hall and say, 'Fuck you!'"

I walked into the pharmacist's office and asked for condoms for my 12 year old son.

The pharmacist asked "is your son sexually active?" I replied with "no he just lays there and cries."

A man takes his daughter to the doctor

A man takes his 11 year old daughter to the doctor and asks him to put her in birth control.

Concerned, the doctor replied, "I think she's a bit young to be sexually active.."

The father replies, "Well I wouldn't exactly call her *active*. She mostly just lies there."

When my dad was a doctor going through residency...

...he had this particularly notable patient.

He was asking her the usual questions:

Do you smoke? Nope.
Drink? On occasion.
Any drugs? No

All typical answers, until he got to his last question.

Are you sexually active? She stared at him for a moment before replying: "Well I don't just lay there..."

A WWII veteran goes to a doctor's appointment

An old veteran sits down in the doctor's office for his check up. As usual, the doctor goes through the necessary questions.

"Okay," says the doc, "when's the last time you were sexually active?"

"1946," says the veteran.

"Oh. It's been a while, huh?"

The veteran shrugs and checks his watch. "Not really. It's only 2135."

I haven't been sexually active because I'm saving myself...

Some money.

My dad was a very active advocate for women's rights...

My mom wanted to be as well, but my dad wouldn't allow it.

What separates a sexually active adult male from a 10 year old?

A half a millimetre of latex.

2 test tubes

'We have two test tubes here,' said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. 'They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates the active ingredients in male spermatozoa. If I mix them in this aseptic glass container a new human life will be conceived. Now any questions?'

'Could you possibly give us a demonstration?' asked an awed member of the audience.

'I'm sorry, not tonight,' said the professor, 'Solution A has a headache!'

In this house we say 'please' and 'thank you' to Alexa.

We're hoping she'll take it easy on us when Skynet goes active.

Tide is fully embracing their new consumers with their new Tide Pod containers...

They just changed their active ingredients to nutrition facts .

Too soon maybe, but today's event are proof that men do everything better than women...

Active shooter couldn't even kill anyone but herself

U.S male active duty and veterans...on this special day, make sure to call up all your old flames, current lovers. Wives and girlfriends as well as any others who helped you out during long deployments and say.....

"Thank you for your cervix!"

A father walks into a pharmacy...

... goes to the counter and asks the pharmacist about getting birth control for his 11 year old daughter. "My god, your 11 year old is sexually active!" The pharmacist exclaims. The dad replies, "not really, she just lies there and cries."

A man takes his nine year old daughter to the doctor.

After several hours in the waiting room, they're called in.
"Hello," the doctor says. "How can I help you?"
The man nods, "It"s my daughter, I was wondering if you could put her on birth control."
"Birth control?" the doctor is incredulous. "She"s too young to be sexually active!"
"Sexually active?" the father says, "She just lies there like her mother!"

A woman goes in to see her doctor for a check up....

The doctor, after the examination, returns with the results

D: "Ma'am, you might want to sit down... It looks like you're pregnant"

W: "What?! That's impossible! I told you I haven't been sexually active in over a year!!"

D: "Yes Ma'am, that might be because it looks like you're pregnant.."

My doctor asked me

if I was sexually active.

I told him, "No. I just lie there."

An active and successful widowed man finds himself at the end of his days in an upscale assisted living home.

His consoling and rich friends came to spend the last days with the man. While he was still coherent, they decide to hire him a hooker for a final hurrah.

They make the arrangements and the beautiful bubbly woman arrives at the nursing home for the assist a while later. She tells the man Your friends sent me here to give you some super sex!

The man contemplated a bit and carefully replies to the woman I think I'll have the soup.

Active volcanoes would make good rappers...

because they got mad flow.

A guy walks to the pharmacy to buy condoms

A guy goes to the pharmacy. `I need some
condoms for my 11-year-old daughter', he says.
The pharmacist is shocked: `Your daughter is sexually active at 11?'.

The guy says,'Not really, she just lies there
like her little brother

You can tell when a woman is pregnant

She tends to get a little ovary active.

Daughter

A middle aged man takes his 14 year old daughter to the doctor.
"And what do we need today young lady?" The doctor asks.
The father answers for her "She needs to start birth control".
The doctor gasps "She's sexually active at 14!?"

The father replies "Nope, she just lays there, just like her mother.

What do you call an politically active Ewok ?

An Ewoke

A man from Tennessee takes his daughter to the doctor and tells the doctor his daughter need birth control.

The doctor asks, "How old is she?"

He replies, "15."

"And she's sexually active," the doctor asks.

The man replies, "Naw, she just lays there like her mother."

The retired Sargent goes in for his physical...

The doctor says, "You look pretty fit. You stay active, but I need to ask about your sex life. When was the last time you had sex?"
After thinking for a second... "2010." the Sargent says.
The doctor is flabberghasted. "2010?" He sputters.
"Well," says the sargent, looking at his watch, "since its 0800 now, I wouldn't say that 2010 last night was too long ago."

I once met a homeless man

... And we had a small conversation. He said: "Every time there's a public marathon, I participate."

I replied: "Wow. You seem like a very active and sportive man despite being homeless."

He instantly said: "Nah, I just walk the whole race to get free water bottles."

A man asks the pharmacist for birth control for his 11-year old daughter.

Shocked the pharmacist asks, "11-years old! Is she even sexually active?"

The dad shakes his head saying, "No, she just lays there like her mother."

So a guy goes to the doctor...

Doctor: "What can i help you with today?"

Guy: "I need to get some birth control for my daughter."

Doctor:" Well, is your daughter sexually active?"

Guy: "No, she just lays there."

What is it called when an officer poops his pants while chasing a perp?

Active doody.

My body is a temple...

...it's sometimes referred to as a house, is usually only active on the weekend and many Jews have been inside it.

So this young woman goes to the doctor and he asks, "Are you sexually active?"

She says, "No l, I just lay there."

Active Voice: I wrote the paper.

Passive Voice: The paper was written by me.

Inner Voice: Dafuq did I write!?!

Me and my wife have a very active sex life

She likes to dress up and pretend to be Cat-Woman.

Where as I pretend I love her

Airline pilot...

An airline pilot makes the usual announcements over the cabin PA system as the plane reaches cruising altitude. He then sets the plane on autopilot and turns to the co-pilot and jokes- All I need now is a cup of coffee and a blow job.

Unbeknownst to the captain, the mic is still active and everybody can hear what the captain is saying.

Suddenly, an alert flight attendant bolts toward the cockpit to tell the pilot his mic is stuck.

As she's nearing the door, an old timer stands up and shouts- Stop! You forgot his coffee!

The embarrassed sexually active middle aged woman

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him.

"I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" the woman asked.
"That's from a man in the burns unit -

he wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

What was the politically active lesbian jew doing in Tehran Square?

Just hangin

Pharmacist: "Are you sexually active?"

My wife interrupting: "No, he just kind of lays there."

What do you call a gunman who exercises?

An active shooter!

In our fight against garbage and overflowing landfills, I feel like we're under-utilizing our...

...active volcanoes.

Did you hear the judge's recent linguistic faux pas, when they were addressing a recently convicted defendant?

I Order you to serve 2 years incarcerated, 2 years active probation, 1 year of passive probation, 400 hours of community service, evidence of completion of an education service approved by the court, submit to a mental health evaluation..., etc., etc..

Yeah, it was a run-on sentence.

After being recommended by my boss, I've started taking an active interest in steroids.

He said I need to get into gear.

I searched Google for "popular singer, last name Crosby, active from the 20s-70s." I got plenty of results but they were not as helpful as I would have liked.

Guess I should have used Bing.

A man takes his 11 year old daughter to the doctor to put her on birth control

Doctor: 11 years old, is she sexually active?!?
Father: na, she mostly lays there and cries..

What do you call a sexually active spaghetti?

Fetishini Alfredo

What's thinner than the ice that my incredibly sexually active roommate is on?

The wall between our rooms.

As a vegan mom, I prioritize maintaining a healthy lifestyle for me and my family, but keeping my kids active during quarantine isn't always easy, so we made up a new game...

The floor is ground beef!

IHOP and IHOB both sound like Apple products

for an active person and a chef.

My coworkers hate when I joke about an active shooter in the building

That one usually kills.

Fat people have the most active lifestyle.

The times they are actually not doing anything, they have to maintain their active lifestyle buy actively eating.

My students wanna know what happened to their favorite sub?

He hasn't been sexually active all year.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: [drinking an entire glass of water]
My puppet: No.

"Are you sexually active?"

What's the worst question to ask in a job interview?

Do you have active shooter drills here?

What type of tree doesn't remove active torrents?

A *Cedar* tree.

What do you call an asian guy who is talking on an active electric shock giving chair?

current lee speaking

So this guy goes to the doctor to get birth-control pills for her fourteen year old daughter.

And the doctor asks "so she's sexually active at fourteen?"

"No, she just lies there, like her mother."

I was sexually active at 12.

Now it's 12-08 a.m. and I'm done.

What does being sexually active and being at school have in common?

If you miss a period you're in trouble.

So we were learning about passive and active voices,the teacher asked me if "jenny was eating a sausage" was active or passive.

I told him neither because there are only objects in the sentence.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes