The Best 91 Action Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Action jokes. There are some action film jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these action motion puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Action Jokes and Puns

There's no need for women to behave the way they do on their period

It's an ovary action

I don't understand why women get so angry and stressed on their period.

It's such an ovary action

George W. Bush joke....

One morning while George was having breakfast, Condoleezza Rice walks in saying, "Mr. President, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in action yesterday." "Dear God, " he replied, "how much is a brazilian?"

Action joke, George W. Bush joke....

An order of monks are selling flowers...

...illegally on the lawn of the Playboy Mansion, Hugh Hefner's property. Instead of calling the police, however, Hugh decides to spring into action and stop them himself. After an intense argument, the monks agree to leave peacefully. If it had been anybody else they would have gotten away with it; unfortunately for them, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

What am I?

I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole in the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in and out of a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind and I return to my original position. Cleaning is normally done after I have finished. What am I? Why, I am your very own toothbrush!


So I've been trying to sell my Ubermensch Action Figures...

But it's difficult to cater to such a Nietszche Market.

PMS is a myth

It's really just an ovary action.

Action joke, PMS is a myth

So I went to a fortune teller and asked if I was going to get any action that night.

She told me she didn't deal in self fulfilling prophecies.

Bruce Willis was offered a role in the new Star Wars film, but turned it down to concentrate on action films

Because you know what they say about old habits...

A guy picks up a waitress at a Chinese restaurant...

A guy picks up an innocent, young waitress at a Chinese restaurant and after a night out gets her back to his place. After some fooling around he's ready for action and says, "How's about a little sixty-nine?" to which she replies, "You want broccoli with beef?!"

Newtons 3rd law of emotion

Newton's 3rd law of emotion is, for every male action there is a crazy àss female overreaction.

You can explore action sequel reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean action producers dad jokes. There are also action puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Apparently Bruce Willis is only going to concentrate on action films from now on...

because you know what they say about old habits...

Did you guys hear about the new Ray Lewis action figure?

Batteries included.

If it makes you feel any better I made the joke up a few months ago and it was a Chris Brown joke, but with Rice being topical and all.

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law

"Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law

Steven Spielberg has a new idea for a movie

He says he wants to make an action movie about classical music composers.

Sylvester Stallone says "I wana be Motzart!"

Arnold Schwarzenegger says "In zat case...I'll be Bach"

Stripper joke (NSFW?)

A man walks into a strip club and immediately gets some action from a stripper. He walks out, satisfied, and says,

"Wow, what great cervix!"

Action joke, Stripper joke (NSFW?)

Why are females so moody when they're on their period?

It's an ovary action.

I think me life is like the Truman Show.

I was tryin' ta figure out what type a genre show it be.

I thought, "It might be a drama," but me life isn't sad enough.

I thought, "It might be an action tale," but alas, 'tis too boring.

"Then, perhaps, it be a comedy," I thought, but me life isn't funny, so I cast that idea overboard.

"Well," I thought, "it might be British."

A New Movie - Stephen Spielberg

Stephen Speilberg has just recently decided to create a new action movie about the greatest composers on Earth. His creates his cast and asks them 'Who do you want to be' ...

Bruce Willis says to him 'I ll play Beethoven, i've always fancied myself as a bit of a genius'

Liam Neeson then pipes up saying 'Im going to be Mozart, i find his music very relaxing and very baroque'

Lastly Arnold Schwarzenegger says 'Ill be Bach'


Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are in a bar

After a few drinks Steven says he's thinking about making an action movie about classical composers

Sylvester says "I wanna be Mozart!"

Arnold says "in that case...I'll be Bach"

Been reading about instinctive behaviors. Apparently, my natural reaction to seeing an attractive woman is a Fixed Action Pattern (in short, FAP).

My girlfriend started pms-ing today.

I thinks it's just a big ovary action.

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

Did you hear that they're producing an action movie about a team of crime-fighting composers?

They already approached Arnold Schwarzenegger about playing fellow Austrian Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, but he said "no, I'll be Bach!"

You know why i love hiking?

It is all about the in tents action.

The jungle book has been adapted into a live action play

But after the show at the Cincinnati zoo all other showings have been cancelled.

What do you call it when you have sex with a dwarf who has gender dysmorphia?

micro trans action

What do you call the action where a dead guy falls out of a car and you have to put him back in?

A rehearsal

My friend said "Women directors have never had major success with a live action film"

So I said, "Nonsense! Just look at the Matrix trilogy."

Did you know they are making an action movie about the great composers?

Arnold Schwarzeneggar says he'll be Bach.

What do you call it when you use your debit card to pay to have sex with a MtF illegal immigrant

Paperless trans action

Newton's third law of Emotion.

For every male action, there is a female overreaction.

If I Had a [currency] For Every [action],

I would do more of [action].

Action dan here, I got a call about my wife from the ER

Action dan here, I answered the phone and it was from the ER and the nurse said "Action dan It looks like your wife got hit by a truck."

I said" action dan here, well yeah, but she's got a great personality."

guitarists are pretty good as bisexual lovers

on the one hand, their fingering must be pretty good; on the other, their wrist action must be pretty good too.

President Trump to sign an executive action taking aim at Sun Maid and California's Raisin industry

He answered most of the criticism over the weekend by stating

"I would like to make raisins Grape again"

Tickets to the Kentucky derby are 1100$

If I wanted to spend 1100$ for two minutes of action, I'd hire a prostitute.

Obscene Caller

A woman answered a call from an unknown number.

"Hello," said the obscene caller, as he breathed heavily, "if you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."

Listen honey," drawled the lady, "if you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested"

Being a nice guy is like the Canadian military..

Cute, innocent, isn't taken seriously and will never get any action

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!".

So I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy!

I got slapped at the club the other day

I went dancing at a local club, hoping to get a little action since it's been a while. I met this gorgeous girl and asked her to dance, a little emboldened by the alcohol. After the first song with her body so close to mine, she leans in and says "You smell good! Whatcha got on?"

I said, "Well, I have a hard-on but I didn't know you could smell it."

I came home today to find my sister watching an action movie.

She told me she was watching it to learn how to fight. The next day I came home and she was watching a romantic comedy. She told me she was watching it to learn how to love. The day after that I came home and as I arrived there was a pizza delivery guy leaving the house. When I walked inside my sister told me she found a movie under my bed.

Why are transgender folks so poor?

Because every action is a trans-action.

My girlfriend just dumped me. She said I had sex like an avenger.

She really did not appreciate me interrupting the action with funny one-liners

I saw justice in action today for the first time ever.

I went out for breakfast this morning with my girlfriend, saw a Jehovah's Witness lock himself out of his own house. Kept ringing the bell.

I was a plastic surgeon for a short time.

My son's Action Man needed repairing.

Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!

The child replied innocently: Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.

What do you call a muscle car that won't start?

All torque, no action.

Got an email from boredhousewife423 saying she was looking for some action

I sent her my laundry. That'll give her something to do

Why does Bruce Willis keep making action movies?

Because his old habits, die hard.

A feminist has taken legal action against a shopping mall Santa.

She claims he called her a hoe three times.

Quaker home defense

one night john had come home for the day, exhausted from being plain and keeping thoughts to himself and went straight to bed. During the night someone broke in and this roused him from his sleep. leaping into action john grabbed his musket and charged downstairs. upon meeting the robber he leveled his musket and yelled

"friend I don't mean to alarm you but you're standing between me and where I want to shoot"

Dang girl, are you a depolarizing cell membrane?

'cause you look like action potential!

I often hear of aircraft been taken out of action by bird strikes.

What I want to know is, what does their union even want?

I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.

He told me to take one, action

Did you hear what happened to the Scottish soldier?

He was kilt in action.

What do you call a green-skinned, pointy-eared Star Wars action figure driving a Japanese car?

A toy Yoda driving a Toyota.

A frog wants to get a loan

He goes to a bank and there is a pig behind the front desk.

The pig introduces herself
I'm Pattywack, how may I help you

The frog asks for a loan and to use an action figure as collateral.

Pattywack explains that the action figure is not enough to be collateral.

Pattywack's boss overhears this and enters saying
It's a knickknack, Pattywack, give this frog a loan.

Give him what he wants.

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom.

The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sex, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."

When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.

One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,

"C, eh."

The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,

"N, eh."

This, too, was recorded. The man drew one more letter and read,

"D, eh."

What do you call a Christmas tree that only appears in action movies?

Spruce Willis.

Batman, but it's a Japanese action film

Mighty Orphan Power Ranger

I was going to make a game where you play a death-defying, cross-dressing little person.

But I see you guys hate micro trans action.

My wife just flipped out at me for not being sympathetic about her time of the month

It was a complete ovary action.

I just saw brokeback mountain

The action was in tents.

A bunch of 80s action stars dressed up as Skid Row for Halloween but they couldn't figure out who would be the lead singer.

But Arnold Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach"

Why wasn't the redneck girl cut out to be a nun?

She thought being a sister would get her some action.

I like my privacy policy updates like I like my women

All talk and zero action

I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.

The sequels going to be set in a different department.

This time it's personnel.

My wife and I have been married for quite a few years now

And she recently asked me to get some pills that would make sure that I'd be up for some action in the bedroom.
I brought home some diet pills. Apparently that's very much not what she meant.

Have you heard about the incel action figure?

It comes in a sock instead of a box.

What did the Superhero wear to Court?

His Class Action Suit

I already used my wishes

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

My son was playing with miniature models of a court room.

He told me they were "class action figures."

I honestly think girls need to stop acting like their periods are the worst things in the world

It's really just a bit of an ovary action, don't you think?

Making 6 figures a year sounds like a dream come true...

Unless you work for an action figure manufacturing company. Then it sounds like a quick way to the unemployment line.

My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action.

So I expanded the kitchen.

People are getting angry about an actor practicing cannibalism on a female actress during the production of an action movie set in ancient Rome.

Personally, I'm gladiator.

What do you call an LGBTQ person who doesn't take action?

A Bi-stander.

Be careful hiking...

Hiking in the Ozark National Forest last weekend, I came upon a bear, and could not remember the proper course of action. Instead of playing dead I played *dad*.

Now that bear can ride a bike without training wheels.

Where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures?

Aisle B, back

How has there not been a class action lawsuit against the major diaper companies?

Those things have never held the 22-37 pounds they advertise.

I bet anyone who's undergone gender reassignment would make a great salesperson.

Everything they do is a trans action.

How much action do you wives of God get?

Nun

What kind of bird would make a great action movie star?

Steven Sea-gull

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".

What do you call a shellfish Action movie star?

Jean Claude Van Clam.

What do you call it when a very small transgender EA employee does something?

A micro trans action.

Action hero fancy dress ball...

Arnold Schwarznegger, Sly Stallone & Chuck Norris are invited to a ball where they must all go in fancy dress.

They decide to go as classical composers, so they head to the store to buy their costumes for the ball.

When in the store, Sly says: 'I'll dress as Mozart'

Chuck Says: 'I'll go as Beethoven'

Arnie says: 'I'll be Bach'

A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!

The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....

Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire .
The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...

The Mosque denied all responsibility!

So, the judge commented:
It's difficult to decide the case because we have a Bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire group of Mosque congregants that does not believe in it !!!

The case is hereby dismissed!

What's the action like at a circus?

In-tents.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the action climax jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working action warner piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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