Action Jokes

149 action jokes and hilarious action puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about action that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh out loud with Action Jokes. From Action Man to Action Movie heroes, our collection of funny jokes and puns will get you prepped for action! Find your favorite Action Hero or movement as you dig into jokes about Action Potential and Missing in Action. Whether you're looking for a sequel pun or a joke about the Bourne Identity, these action jokes are sure to keep you in stitches.

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Funniest Action Short Jokes

Short action jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The action humour may include short acts jokes also.

  1. Apparently Bruce Willis is only going to concentrate on action films from now on... because you know what they say about old habits...
  2. Why did EA remove gender restrictions in The Sims 4? They're just doing their small part, because EA loves micro trans actions.
  3. "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law "Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law
  4. Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime. Because actions speak louder than words
  5. Got an email from boredhousewife423 saying she was looking for some action I sent her my laundry. That'll give her something to do
  6. I asked the toy store sales assistant if they had any arnold schwarzenegger action figures in store... She replied "Aisle B, back".
  7. Bruce Willis was offered a role in the new Star Wars film, but turned it down to concentrate on action films Because you know what they say about old habits...
  8. I was going to make a game where you play a death-defying, cross-dressing little person. But I see you guys hate micro trans action.
  9. *class action lawsuit* If COVID has forced you or a loved one to wear a mask with your glasses… you may be entitled to condensation.
  10. Did you hear about the hunter who got squashed by the dying elephant? He finally understood the gravity of his actions.

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Action One Liners

Which action one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with action? I can suggest the ones about activity and acting.

  1. Newton's third law of Emotion. For every male action, there is a female overreaction.
  2. Have you heard about the incel action figure? It comes in a sock instead of a box.
  3. What did the Superhero wear to Court? His Class Action Suit
  4. Why did the librarian hush the mime? Because actions speak louder than words.
  5. I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed. He told me to take one, action
  6. Batman, but it's a Japanese action film Mighty Orphan Power Ranger
  7. If I Had a [currency] For Every [action], I would do more of [action].
  8. What do you call a Christmas tree that only appears in action movies? Spruce Willis.
  9. Judge: "How do you explain your actions?" "Basic math. 2 times 9 equals 18"
  10. I saw a Star wars action figure in a Corolla today It was a toy Yoda in a Toyota
  11. Which popular action figure has a farm? GI GI Joe
  12. Where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures? Aisle B, back
  13. Dang girl, are you a depolarizing cell membrane? 'cause you look like action potential!
  14. Why should you always bring money to LBGT pride parades? Trans-action fees
  15. What do you call an LGBTQ person who doesn't take action? A Bi-stander.

Action Man Jokes

Here is a list of funny action man jokes and even better action man puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man wearing a mirrored suit.... A man wearing a mirrored suit started a fight downtown.
    The police stopped the fight and told the man to reflect on his actions
  • What would EA do with a miniature man who used to be a woman? Micro trans actions.
  • I was a plastic surgeon for a short time. My son's Action Man needed repairing.
  • Working in an Action Man factory pays very well indeed... You can make six figures in an hour.
  • A guy changes a lamp; he's a man of action A dude holds a prism in front of that lit lamp; a man of refraction

Action Movie Jokes

Here is a list of funny action movie jokes and even better action movie puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Bruce Willis will probably keep making action movies forever. You know what they say about old habits.
  • Stallone thought of creating an action movie about composers. Stallone: I'll play Beethoven
    Van Damme: I'll be Mozart
    Schwarzenegger: Shut up! I'll not say it.
  • Did you know they are making an action movie about the great composers? Arnold Schwarzeneggar says he'll be Bach.
  • People are getting angry about an actor practicing cannibalism on a female actress during the production of an action movie set in ancient Rome. Personally, I'm gladiator.
  • What do you call a shellfish Action movie star? Jean Claude Van Clam.
  • My date and I had moved onto the topic of movies... "I love car chase action scenes", she said.
    Me, a fruit stand vendor: "I think we're done here."
  • Why does Bruce Willis keep making action movies? Because his old habits, die hard.
  • If spaghetti made an action movie, what would it be called? Mission: Impastable!
  • Liam Neeson doesn't want to do action movies anymore. Taken: A Break
  • What kind of bird would make a great action movie star? Steven Sea-gull
Action joke, What kind of bird would make a great action <a href="/star-jokes.html" title="Star jokes">movie star

Action Figure Jokes

Here is a list of funny action figure jokes and even better action figure puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Last year I made seven figures. And that's why I got sacked from the action figure factory.
  • So I've been trying to sell my Ubermensch Action Figures... But it's difficult to cater to such a Nietszche Market.
  • I already used my wishes Me: please just one more wish
    Genie: no, I said 3
    Me: please
    Genie: no
    Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
  • My son was playing with miniature models of a court room. He told me they were "class action figures."
  • Making 6 figures a year sounds like a dream come true... Unless you work for an action figure manufacturing company. Then it sounds like a quick way to the unemployment line.
  • A bunch of 80s action stars dressed up as Skid Row for Halloween but they couldn't figure out who would be the lead singer. But Arnold Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach"
  • What do you call a green-skinned, pointy-eared Star Wars action figure driving a Japanese car? A toy Yoda driving a Toyota.
  • Who's Immature? My wife accused me of being immature. I set down my action figures, pointed at the door and said 'get out of my secret lair'
  • What is the difference between a Star Wars action-figure collector who smokes e-cigarettes and a Catholic Priest? One is a toy-loving vapist, and the other...
  • Yo Momma is so fat…
    That she makes Godzilla look like an action figure.

Live Action Jokes

Here is a list of funny live action jokes and even better live action puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The jungle book has been adapted into a live action play But after the show at the Cincinnati zoo all other showings have been cancelled.
  • My friend said "Women directors have never had major success with a live action film" So I said, "Nonsense! Just look at the Matrix trilogy."
  • What would you get if you calculated the rate at which approx. 350 tonnes would fall from approx. 30,000 feet? The live-action remake of Up.
  • The word is it isn't Scar who kills Mufasa in the new Live Action Lion King... ...Eric Trump jumps out a bush and shoots him!
  • The live action Netflix remake was better than the original. That's it... that's my joke.
  • Avatar: The Last Air Bender live action movie
  • What city does Affirmative Action Aslan live? Kathmandu.
  • Diggy Diggy Hole - Live Action Music Video
  • Did you hear that Will Smith is gonna be the genie in live action Aladdin They couldn't recast Robin William's he left the agents that called him **hanging**.

Action Potential Jokes

Here is a list of funny action potential jokes and even better action potential puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A director pitched his crime drama film about neurons to me today It had real action potential
  • At what point in the race did the action potential speed up? About a myelin.
Action joke, At what point in the race did the action potential speed up?

Fun-Filled Action Jokes to Boost Your Mood

What funny jokes about action you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean effect jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make action pranks.

There's no need for women to behave the way they do on their period

It's an o**... action

I don't understand why women get so angry and stressed on their period.

It's such an o**... action

George W. Bush joke....

One morning while George was having breakfast, Condoleezza Rice walks in saying, "Mr. President, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in action yesterday." "Dear God, " he replied, "how much is a brazilian?"

An order of monks are selling flowers...

...illegally on the lawn of the p**... Mansion, Hugh Hefner's property. Instead of calling the police, however, Hugh decides to spring into action and stop them himself. After an intense argument, the monks agree to leave peacefully. If it had been anybody else they would have gotten away with it; unfortunately for them, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

What am I?

I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole in the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in and out of a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind and I return to my original position. Cleaning is normally done after I have finished. What am I? Why, I am your very own toothbrush!

p**... is a myth

It's really just an o**... action.

So I went to a fortune teller and asked if I was going to get any action that night.

She told me she didn't deal in self fulfilling prophecies.

A guy picks up a waitress at a Chinese restaurant...

A guy picks up an innocent, young waitress at a Chinese restaurant and after a night out gets her back to his place. After some fooling around he's ready for action and says, "How's about a little sixty-nine?" to which she replies, "You want broccoli with beef?!"

Newtons 3rd law of emotion

Newton's 3rd law of emotion is, for every male action there is a crazy àss female overreaction.

Did you guys hear about the new Ray Lewis action figure?

Batteries included.
If it makes you feel any better I made the joke up a few months ago and it was a Chris Brown joke, but with Rice being topical and all.

Steven Spielberg has a new idea for a movie

He says he wants to make an action movie about classical music composers.
Sylvester Stallone says "I wana be Motzart!"
Arnold Schwarzenegger says "In zat case...I'll be Bach"

Why are females so moody when they're on their period?

It's an o**... action.

I think me life is like the Truman Show.

I was tryin' ta figure out what type a genre show it be.
I thought, "It might be a drama," but me life isn't sad enough.
I thought, "It might be an action tale," but alas, 'tis too boring.
"Then, perhaps, it be a comedy," I thought, but me life isn't funny, so I cast that idea overboard.
"Well," I thought, "it might be British."

A New Movie - Stephen Spielberg

Stephen Speilberg has just recently decided to create a new action movie about the greatest composers on Earth. His creates his cast and asks them 'Who do you want to be' ...
Bruce Willis says to him 'I ll play Beethoven, i've always fancied myself as a bit of a genius'
Liam Neeson then pipes up saying 'Im going to be Mozart, i find his music very relaxing and very baroque'
Lastly Arnold Schwarzenegger says 'Ill be Bach'

Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are in a bar

After a few drinks Steven says he's thinking about making an action movie about classical composers
Sylvester says "I wanna be Mozart!"
Arnold says "in that case...I'll be Bach"

My girlfriend started p**...-ing today.

I thinks it's just a big o**... action.

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

Did you hear that they're producing an action movie about a team of crime-fighting composers?

They already approached Arnold Schwarzenegger about playing fellow Austrian Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, but he said "no, I'll be Bach!"

What do you call it when you have s**... with a dwarf who has gender dysmorphia?

micro trans action

What do you call the action where a dead guy falls out of a car and you have to put him back in?

A rehearsal

What do you call it when you use your debit card to pay to have s**... with a MtF i**... immigrant

Paperless trans action

Action dan here, I got a call about my wife from the ER

Action dan here, I answered the phone and it was from the ER and the nurse said "Action dan It looks like your wife got hit by a truck."
I said" action dan here, well yeah, but she's got a great personality."

guitarists are pretty good as bisexual lovers

on the one hand, their f**... must be pretty good; on the other, their wrist action must be pretty good too.

President Trump to sign an executive action taking aim at Sun Maid and California's Raisin industry

He answered most of the criticism over the weekend by stating
"I would like to make raisins Grape again"

Tickets to the kentucky derby are 1100$

If I wanted to spend 1100$ for two minutes of action, I'd hire a p**....

Obscene Caller

A woman answered a call from an unknown number.
"Hello," said the obscene caller, as he breathed heavily, "if you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
Listen honey," drawled the lady, "if you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested"

Being a nice guy is like the Canadian military..

Cute, innocent, isn't taken seriously and will never get any action

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!".

So I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy!

I got slapped at the club the other day

I went dancing at a local club, hoping to get a little action since it's been a while. I met this gorgeous girl and asked her to dance, a little emboldened by the alcohol. After the first song with her body so close to mine, she leans in and says "You smell good! Whatcha got on?"
I said, "Well, I have a hard-on but I didn't know you could smell it."

I came home today to find my sister watching an action movie.

She told me she was watching it to learn how to fight. The next day I came home and she was watching a romantic comedy. She told me she was watching it to learn how to love. The day after that I came home and as I arrived there was a pizza delivery guy leaving the house. When I walked inside my sister told me she found a movie under my bed.

Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!
The child replied innocently: Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.

A feminist has taken legal action against a shopping mall Santa.

She claims he called her a h**... three times.

Quaker home defense

one night john had come home for the day, exhausted from being plain and keeping thoughts to himself and went straight to bed. During the night someone broke in and this roused him from his sleep. leaping into action john grabbed his musket and charged downstairs. upon meeting the robber he leveled his musket and yelled
"friend I don't mean to alarm you but you're standing between me and where I want to shoot"

Did you hear what happened to the Scottish soldier?

He was kilt in action.

A frog wants to get a loan

He goes to a bank and there is a pig behind the front desk.
The pig introduces herself
I'm Pattywack, how may I help you
The frog asks for a loan and to use an action figure as collateral.
Pattywack explains that the action figure is not enough to be collateral.
Pattywack's boss overhears this and enters saying
It's a knickknack, Pattywack, give this frog a loan.

Give him what he wants.

An escaped convict broke into a house and t**... a young couple in their bedroom.
The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants s**..., I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."

When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.
One man pulled out a letter, cleared his t**..., and read,
"C, eh."
The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,
"N, eh."
This, too, was recorded. The man drew one more letter and read,
"D, eh."

My wife just flipped out at me for not being sympathetic about her time of the month

It was a complete o**... action.

I just saw brokeback mountain

The action was in tents.

Why wasn't the r**... girl cut out to be a nun?

She thought being a sister would get her some action.

I like my privacy policy updates like I like my women

All talk and zero action

I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.

The sequels going to be set in a different department.
This time it's personnel.

My wife and I have been married for quite a few years now

And she recently asked me to get some pills that would make sure that I'd be up for some action in the bedroom.
I brought home some diet pills. Apparently that's very much not what she meant.

I honestly think girls need to stop acting like their periods are the worst things in the world

It's really just a bit of an o**... action, don't you think?

My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action.

So I expanded the kitchen.

How has there not been a class action lawsuit against the major diaper companies?

Those things have never held the 22-37 pounds they advertise.

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.
Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".

What do you call it when a very small transgender EA employee does something?

A micro trans action.

Action hero fancy dress ball...

Arnold Schwarznegger, Sly Stallone & Chuck Norris are invited to a ball where they must all go in fancy dress.
They decide to go as classical composers, so they head to the store to buy their costumes for the ball.
When in the store, Sly says: 'I'll dress as Mozart'
Chuck Says: 'I'll go as Beethoven'
Arnie says: 'I'll be Bach'

A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!

The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....
Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire .
The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...
The Mosque denied all responsibility!
So, the judge commented:
It's difficult to decide the case because we have a Bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire group of Mosque congregants that does not believe in it !!!
The case is hereby dismissed!

What's the action like at a circus?


It was going to be a long road trip. I popped on my headphones, pulled up a movie on my phone, and got lost in the action as the car headed down the highway.

The passengers probably wished that I'd waited until I wasn't driving to do that.

Did you hear about the h**... who got a colostomy?

Now she's getting action on the side!

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a restaurant, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"
"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"
That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"
"And who will you be, Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach."

Why shouldn't you get the national bird of the USA sick?

Because it'll be an ill eagle action.

Action Composers

All the action heroes are at Stalone's house when their phones all go off. Their agents give them news about a new action movie focused on the great composers. After the call they are all talking about who they would like to play.
Stalone: I'm not going to be in it if I can't be Mozart.
Statham: I'm rather partial to Beethoven myself.
Jet Li: Chopin!
Everyone having had their turn they turn to Schwarzeneggar who is straight up not interested in the project.
Arnold: No! This is a dumb movie.
Everyone: Come on...
Arnold: Fine! I'll be Bach.

My crush: I like car chase action scenes.

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we're done here.

A blind man walks into a store

A blind man walks into a store with a helper dog.
The blind man walks to the center of the shop & stops.
The cashier asks if he can help the blind man, the blind man said nothing and starts swirling the dog over his head a few times.
The cashier is stunned about this action and ask the man why he did this.
The blind man responded: don't worry, just looking around

Action joke, A blind man walks into a store

jokes about action