Action Jokes

Following is our collection of sequel humor and film one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Action puns for adults, dirty producers jokes or clean motion gags for kids.

There is an abundance of climax jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 88 funniest jokes on action. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any warner witze you can hear about action.

The Best jokes about Action

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".

Apparently Bruce Willis is only going to concentrate on action films from now on...

because you know what they say about old habits...

Why are females so moody when they're on their period?

It's an ovary action.

Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!

The child replied innocently: Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.


When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.

One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,

"C, eh."

The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,

"N, eh."

This, too, was recorded. The man drew one more letter and read,

"D, eh."

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law

"Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law

Got an email from boredhousewife423 saying she was looking for some action

I sent her my laundry. That'll give her something to do

Newton's third law of Emotion.

For every male action, there is a female overreaction.

Have you heard about the incel action figure?

It comes in a sock instead of a box.

What did the Superhero wear to Court?

His Class Action Suit


There's no need for women to behave the way they do on their period

It's an ovary action

PMS is a myth

It's really just an ovary action.

Bruce Willis was offered a role in the new Star Wars film, but turned it down to concentrate on action films

Because you know what they say about old habits...

I came home today to find my sister watching an action movie.

She told me she was watching it to learn how to fight. The next day I came home and she was watching a romantic comedy. She told me she was watching it to learn how to love. The day after that I came home and as I arrived there was a pizza delivery guy leaving the house. When I walked inside my sister told me she found a movie under my bed.

A man goes to Japan for a business trip and decides to spice things up.

The night before the meeting, he goes out and meets a friendly Japanese woman who he takes back to the hotel. They get to action and all night the woman repeatedly yells, Chigau! Chigau!

The next day the man goes to the meeting and it follows up with Golf with the Japanese employees. As the man lines up his shot on a Par 3, he swings and gets a hole in one! His Japanese peers celebrate and the man, out of instinct, excitedly yells Chigau!

The company's Japanese translator, confused, asks the man, What do you mean 'Wrong Hole'?

I was going to make a game where you play a death-defying, cross-dressing little person.

But I see you guys hate micro trans action.

Mother daughter action.

A man in his 20's and a few of his friend were at a bar for drinks when a lady in her mid to late 40's started to buy him drinks. Throughout the coarse of the night she kept insisting he go back to her place just around the corner. The man was reluctant but his friends were encouraging him to do it and in a final attempt to lure him back the lady offered him some mother daughter action if he joins her. Know all excited he follows the lady's lead back to her house. Once home she proceeds to light some candles and put some sensual music on and then started passionately kissing him. The man thinks he has been tricked when the lady stops and says I'm forgetting something, she walks over to the stairs and yells out to up stairs hey mum I've got one.

An order of monks are selling flowers...

...illegally on the lawn of the Playboy Mansion, Hugh Hefner's property. Instead of calling the police, however, Hugh decides to spring into action and stop them himself. After an intense argument, the monks agree to leave peacefully. If it had been anybody else they would have gotten away with it; unfortunately for them, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


As told by my Russian wife

A man is at a bar. He sees a good looking woman, but she's a little older. Maybe in her 40s. He goes up to her and starts a conversation.



Halfway through she seems interested and asks an interesting question. She asks how he feels about a little mother-daughter action.



The man is intrigued. She is nice enough by herself, but her daughter must be amazing. He agrees and they go back to her place.



They enter the house and go upstairs. The lady knocks on a door and gently whispers:



"Mom, are you awake?"

Did you hear that they're producing an action movie about a team of crime-fighting composers?

They already approached Arnold Schwarzenegger about playing fellow Austrian Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, but he said "no, I'll be Bach!"

George W. Bush joke....

One morning while George was having breakfast, Condoleezza Rice walks in saying, "Mr. President, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in action yesterday." "Dear God, " he replied, "how much is a brazilian?"

So a guy gets shipwrecked on an island with nothing but a dog and a goat.

As time passes, he decides he needs some action, and, well, the goats not lookin half bad.

However, anytime the man tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous, snaps at him and won't let him by.

Eventually, another ship wrecks, this time carrying a blonde babe. Just absolutely gorgeous. The man looks to the heavens, thanks God for answering his prayers, then looks to the girl and says:

Would ya mind taking that dog for a walk?

A Panda walks into a bar....

He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.

So this guy is stranded on an island with a goat and a dog.

Days pass.. then weeks... then months... and years pass with no human contact. He starts to crave the urge to have sex.

So he looks around and sees the goat. Comes up with the idea to have sex with it. He positions her right and is ready for some action. But just as he is about to pull his pants down, he sees the dog just staring at him. Uncomfortable, he decides to try again the next day.

Next day comes and he guides the goat to a hill side where he would like to do his deed. Just as he's about to pull his pants down, out of nowhere, he sees the dog staring at him. He gives up again.

A few days go by and he sees a boat sinking offshore. He hears this women screaming for help. He swims to her rescue and the woman is grateful to him.

Thanking him she says, "Can I do anything to repay you."

He replies, "Anything?"

"Yes, anything." she answers.

So then he asks, "Okay. Can you take the dog out for a walk?"

I honestly think girls need to stop acting like their periods are the worst things in the world

It's really just a bit of an ovary action, don't you think?

A man dies and arrives at the gates of heaven.

St Peter welcomes him with "this is the gate to eternal happiness, to enter you must tell me a selfless action you did in your life on earth."

The man thinks for a while and replies "Well there was this one time... this kid knocked over some motor cycles and a group of angry drunken bikers came out threatening to kill him. Naturally I felt bad for the kid so I stepped in to stop them. I asked for the leader of the group and told him we were gonna settle it like men."

St Peter was impressed "Wow! When did this happen?"

Looking at his watch the man responds "about 35 seconds ago."

I don't understand why women get so angry and stressed on their period.

It's such an ovary action

I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.

He told me to take one, action

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!".

So I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy!

What am I?

I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole in the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in and out of a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind and I return to my original position. Cleaning is normally done after I have finished. What am I? Why, I am your very own toothbrush!

My wife just flipped out at me for not being sympathetic about her time of the month

It was a complete ovary action.

I think me life is like the Truman Show.

I was tryin' ta figure out what type a genre show it be.

I thought, "It might be a drama," but me life isn't sad enough.

I thought, "It might be an action tale," but alas, 'tis too boring.

"Then, perhaps, it be a comedy," I thought, but me life isn't funny, so I cast that idea overboard.

"Well," I thought, "it might be British."

I got slapped at the club the other day

I went dancing at a local club, hoping to get a little action since it's been a while. I met this gorgeous girl and asked her to dance, a little emboldened by the alcohol. After the first song with her body so close to mine, she leans in and says "You smell good! Whatcha got on?"

I said, "Well, I have a hard-on but I didn't know you could smell it."

A panda walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She comes over and talks to the panda, and eventually the two of them go back to her place.
After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.
The next night the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.
"For what?" says the panda.
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."
The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary.
It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

What do you call it when you have sex with a dwarf who has gender dysmorphia?

micro trans action

A panda walks into a bar...

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.

"For what?"

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

Obscene Caller

A woman answered a call from an unknown number.

"Hello," said the obscene caller, as he breathed heavily, "if you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."

Listen honey," drawled the lady, "if you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested"

A New Movie - Stephen Spielberg

Stephen Speilberg has just recently decided to create a new action movie about the greatest composers on Earth. His creates his cast and asks them 'Who do you want to be' ...

Bruce Willis says to him 'I ll play Beethoven, i've always fancied myself as a bit of a genius'

Liam Neeson then pipes up saying 'Im going to be Mozart, i find his music very relaxing and very baroque'

Lastly Arnold Schwarzenegger says 'Ill be Bach'

How many Canadians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

Boyfriend meets girlfriend's parents for the first time and does a fart at the dinner table...

...thankfully the girlfriend's dad didn't hear it and upon smelling it shouts "Champ!" at their dog sat underneath the dinner table.
A little later the boyfriend really needs to fart again, and since the parents are blaming the dog he decides he's safe to let another one out quietly. His girlfriend notices the side-lift action this time and gives him a knowing glare but, again, her dad just shouts "Champ!"
Like clockwork, a little later the boyfriend's bowels can't keep it in and once again he needs to fart, and since the parents aren't noticing he just goes for another silent but deadly. This time the dad stands up and shouts "Champ! Will you get out from under there before he does a poo on your head!!"

Bar vs Church

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church!!!

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsibility!!!

So, the judge commented,

"It's Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it"

Superb one.
What an irony!!

So I went to a fortune teller and asked if I was going to get any action that night.

She told me she didn't deal in self fulfilling prophecies.

A guy picks up a waitress at a Chinese restaurant...

A guy picks up an innocent, young waitress at a Chinese restaurant and after a night out gets her back to his place. After some fooling around he's ready for action and says, "How's about a little sixty-nine?" to which she replies, "You want broccoli with beef?!"

If I Had a [currency] For Every [action],

I would do more of [action].

Being a nice guy is like the Canadian military..

Cute, innocent, isn't taken seriously and will never get any action

WALKS INTO A BAR... RANDY PANDA

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.

"For what?"

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary.

It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

A blonde tries to go horseback riding ....

.....
even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider.
Unfortunately, the Blonde's foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again.
As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune, the Walmart's Manager sees her and unplugs the horse.

Why wasn't the redneck girl cut out to be a nun?

She thought being a sister would get her some action.

What do you call it when you use your debit card to pay to have sex with a MtF illegal immigrant

Paperless trans action

Batman, but it's a Japanese action film

Mighty Orphan Power Ranger

My girlfriend started pms-ing today.

I thinks it's just a big ovary action.

I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.

The sequels going to be set in a different department.

This time it's personnel.

What do you call a Christmas tree that only appears in action movies?

Spruce Willis.

Give him what he wants.

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom.



The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sex, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."



"I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."

Three action movie stars are sitting in a bar

So, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"

"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"

That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"

"And who will you be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach."

Quaker home defense

one night john had come home for the day, exhausted from being plain and keeping thoughts to himself and went straight to bed. During the night someone broke in and this roused him from his sleep. leaping into action john grabbed his musket and charged downstairs. upon meeting the robber he leveled his musket and yelled

"friend I don't mean to alarm you but you're standing between me and where I want to shoot"

Did you know they are making an action movie about the great composers?

Arnold Schwarzeneggar says he'll be Bach.

So I've been trying to sell my Ubermensch Action Figures...

But it's difficult to cater to such a Nietszche Market.

Panda's tale

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money,"she says. The panda says "for what?" the woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says "I don't have to pay you I'm a panda look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up the word "Panda" in the dictionary and it reads "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.

George Bush is being briefed about world news overnight...

...by his men, 'Mr President, there's been a plane crash in Australia, two Brazilian soldiers have been killed in action, a major bushfire....' George Bush interrupts and says, 'hang on, did you just say two Brazilian soldiers have been killed???!!!'
To which the man replies, 'That's correct Mr President...'
'Oh my... that's absolutely terrible!' says Bush.
The man, looking rather confused says, 'Sir, they've been far worse accidents than this, it's just two Brazilian soldiers...'
President Bush frowns and says, 'Wait... how many in a brazilian?'

A feminist has taken legal action against a shopping mall Santa.

She claims he called her a hoe three times.

guitarists are pretty good as bisexual lovers

on the one hand, their fingering must be pretty good; on the other, their wrist action must be pretty good too.

Action dan here, I got a call about my wife from the ER

Action dan here, I answered the phone and it was from the ER and the nurse said "Action dan It looks like your wife got hit by a truck."

I said" action dan here, well yeah, but she's got a great personality."

My wife and I have been married for quite a few years now

And she recently asked me to get some pills that would make sure that I'd be up for some action in the bedroom.
I brought home some diet pills. Apparently that's very much not what she meant.

THE BLACK CONDOM

A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little action and he goes up to the house owner and asks, Hey, can I get a piece from one of your fine ladies you've got here? Sorry sir, the owner responds, but, we're all full. Aw, please I really need some poon tang! And the owner answers, Well, there is one girl left but when you go meet her you have to wear this black condom. Whatever, the man answers quickly and races upstairs.

A few hours later the man comes down and says ''Wow, that was great. She didn't even make any noise. But why did I have to wear the black condom? And the owner answers, Respect for the dead.

Did you guys hear about the new Ray Lewis action figure?

Batteries included.


If it makes you feel any better I made the joke up a few months ago and it was a Chris Brown joke, but with Rice being topical and all.

Where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures?

Aisle B, back

Dang girl, are you a depolarizing cell membrane?

'cause you look like action potential!

Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are in a bar

After a few drinks Steven says he's thinking about making an action movie about classical composers

Sylvester says "I wanna be Mozart!"

Arnold says "in that case...I'll be Bach"

President Trump to sign an executive action taking aim at Sun Maid and California's Raisin industry

He answered most of the criticism over the weekend by stating

"I would like to make raisins Grape again"

My son was playing with miniature models of a court room.

He told me they were "class action figures."

The jungle book has been adapted into a live action play

But after the show at the Cincinnati zoo all other showings have been cancelled.

I already used my wishes

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

What do you call an LGBTQ person who doesn't take action?

A Bi-stander.

Steven Spielberg has a new idea for a movie

He says he wants to make an action movie about classical music composers.

Sylvester Stallone says "I wana be Motzart!"

Arnold Schwarzenegger says "In zat case...I'll be Bach"

People are getting angry about an actor practicing cannibalism on a female actress during the production of an action movie set in ancient Rome.

Personally, I'm gladiator.

Making 6 figures a year sounds like a dream come true...

Unless you work for an action figure manufacturing company. Then it sounds like a quick way to the unemployment line.

My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action.

So I expanded the kitchen.

A bunch of 80s action stars dressed up as Skid Row for Halloween but they couldn't figure out who would be the lead singer.

But Arnold Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach"

I just saw brokeback mountain

The action was in tents.

Did you hear what happened to the Scottish soldier?

He was kilt in action.

What do you call the action where a dead guy falls out of a car and you have to put him back in?

A rehearsal

I like my privacy policy updates like I like my women

All talk and zero action

What do you call a green-skinned, pointy-eared Star Wars action figure driving a Japanese car?

A toy Yoda driving a Toyota.

I often hear of aircraft been taken out of action by bird strikes.

What I want to know is, what does their union even want?

I bet anyone who's undergone gender reassignment would make a great salesperson.

Everything they do is a trans action.

You know why i love hiking?

It is all about the in tents action.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes