Acting Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.

When my girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down

When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down.

My brother told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

What's the hardest part about hearing your sister has AIDS?

Acting surprised

FRESH HARAMBE OF BELL AIR....

In west Cincinnati I was born and raised on the zoo grounds is where I spent most of my days,Chillin out hangin out acting all cool, eating bananas out by the pool When a mom and her kid, they were up to no good, crawled over the fence into my neighborhood,I got in one little fight and my zoo keeper got scared, heard a gunshot just before I stopped breathing air.......

My crush told me that I was like a brother to her while we were in the car...

We were driving to New York at the time, and about halfway up the east coast she told me I was like a brother to her. She was surprised when I proceeded to turn the car around and drive the other way without even acting phased. She asked "where are we going now?" My only answer was "Alabama."

Pablo Escobar was taken down with the assistance of Columbian children acting as police informants

When he was arrested, Pablo furiously cried out "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those MedellΓ­n kids!"

I tried acting in porn movies but

I only had small parts.

Why aren't porno movies included in the Oscars?

I mean winning an Oscar pretending to be the Queen of England is one thing, but looking like you're enjoying two dicks in your ass, now THAT'S acting.

My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning.

The toughest part was acting surprised.

Gender inequality.

There is an inequality when it comes to men and women. For example...

If a man sleeps with hundreds of women he is respected and labled as a stud or a player. Nothing bad is said about him and he goes on acting like the player he is.

However, if a woman that goes around sleeping with hundreds of men, she's your mum.

Two Helium atoms were acting funny

HeHe

if Newton heard someone suggest his corpse could move without an external force acting upon it...

...he would roll over in his grave.

I think I want to take up acting...

Does anyone know of a local soccer league I could join?

My wife always freaks out when she's on her period

Keep having to tell her to stop ovary acting.

I have a friend that's a recovering kleptomaniac

anytime his symptoms start acting up, he takes something.

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court

Mickey has just finished explaining to the judge why he wants to divorce his partner of many years. After hearing Mickey's story, the judge says, "Mr. Mouse, I understand it's difficult to deal with, but I don't think you should separate from your wife just because you think she's acting a little crazy. Most husbands believe their wives are kind of nutty."

"No, your honor, you don't understand" Mickey replies, "she's FUCKING Goofy!"

My girlfriend doesn't want to drop acid with me.

She's acting like a basic bitch.

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband...

Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!

Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.

A Mafia Don hires a deaf accountant.

He was pleased with himself for coming up with the idea; if the man could not hear, he would not be able to testify against the Don about what was said amongst him and his capos.

One day, after several months of working near this man, he notices the accountant acting nervous and fidgety. Suddenly wary, the Don decides to take a look at his books to see if any funny business is afoot. After poring over the material, he realizes that there is about 10 million dollars in cash that is unaccounted for!

The Don calls in the accountant immediately, along with his attorney, who happened to be fluent in sign language. He demands from the man, "I know you stole my money, and now you're going to tell me where it is."

Reading the Don's lips, panic and fear come over the accountant as he frantically signs back, "I have no idea what you're talking about!"

The Don looks at his consigliere and is told, "The man says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Don shoots up from his chair, gun in hand, and levels the barrel right between the man's eyes. "You WILL tell me where the money is, or I'll blow your brains all over this room!!"

Terrified, the accountant signs "Okay! Okay! It's buried in the garden behind my mother's house, under the kitchen window."

The Don asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say??"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

How to keep kids from acting up in class

A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."

"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

Furiously she asks, "Bob what the hell are you doing!?"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"Β 

A woman showed up at my house today

She said Tell your son to stop copying me!

Johnny! Stop acting like an idiot! I shouted to my son

Little johnny

Ms. Apple was teaching her class of first graders the alphabet. She was going around the room to each student and would ask them recite the alphabet.
When she saw little johnny was next she was prepared for the worst, as johnny has had a reputation for acting up.
She cautiously asks johnny to say the alphabet and he says, "abcefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz".
Ms. Apple is relieved, since this is the first day she has taught the alphabet she is surprised that he only left out one letter. She lets johnny know that he forget one letter. To wich johnny responds, "sorry ms.apple I didn't realize you wanted the d.

My friend has recently started collecting acting equipment.

Props to him.

I honestly think girls need to stop acting like their periods are the worst things in the world

It's really just a bit of an ovary action, don't you think?

Mom ordered me to stop acting like a flamingo

Had to put my foot down

A friend of mine working in construction told me that one day when working down town an elderly woman approached him and said:

There's nothing more annoying than you guys always acting like horney wolves when women walks by... but damn it! It hurts when you stop

The guy that played Killmonger in Black Panther is great

He's the Michael Jordan of acting.

Trump has been criticized for being incredibly sexist, homophobic, fundementalist, and wanting to bring back slavery

In other words, he's been criticized for acting like a Muslim.

Biblical Parenting Techniques

Joseph: What should we do about Jesus acting up in school?

Mary: I don't know it's not like raising the Son of God came with Emmanuel

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange. We went to a nice restaurant for dinner. I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he said nothing about it.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was something I had done. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, and again he said nothing. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm sure his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

Business Trip

A nurse is making her rounds through a nursing home and pops into a room. The man is sitting in his bed animatedly acting like he's driving, "vroom vroom" sound effects and everything. The nurse says, "Ed, what are you doing?" "I'm driving to Chicago for a business trip," Ed replies.

The nurse leaves Ed's room, and makes it two doors down the hall where she finds another patient furiously masturbating. "Joe, what do you think you're doing," the nurse yells. Joe replies, "I'm fuckin' Ed's wife while he's in Chicago!"

Dimension Dummies

The zero(th), first, second, third, and fourth dimension go to a party. A guy comes over and says "can I tell you guys a joke?" The fourth dimension says "No, I don't have time for that." The second dimension says "Chill, bro, you're acting so plain." The first dimension says "Hey guys, you're crossing the line." The third dimension says "Yeah, give him some space." "You've got a point," adds the zero(th) dimension. "Damn dimensions," says the guy "always plotting something."

A couple goes into marriage counselling...

The wife tells the psychologist that her husband has been acting in unacceptable ways, and that she will have to seek a divorce if he doesn't change his behavior.


First of all, the husband always picks his nose, regardless of whether or not he's in public or some other inappropriate location for nose-picking.


Also, the husband never looks up while he is walking. His eyes are always glued to the floor when he goes anywhere.


And worst of all, he never lets his wife top while they're having sex.


The psychologist asks the husband why he acts the way he does, and the husband replies, "my father insisted that I do those things while he was on his deathbed, so I'm simply respecting his last wishes." "Well, what *exactly* did he say?" the psychologist inquired. So the husband replies, "he told me to keep my nose clean, don't step on any toes, and don't fuck up."

When my mother told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down.

A wife is getting fed up with her husband always acting like a detective.

They get into a huge fight about it and she finally says I think we need to split up

The husband replies That's a great idea we can cover more ground that way

(Sorry if this has been posted before I only heard it today)

I'm no longer calling period attitude PMS...

Nope, I'm calling ovary acting.

Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him?

He couldn't handle his boos.

When people tell me to stop acting like a flamingo...

...that's when I put my foot down.

Husband & Wife Diary Entries

Wife's Diary

Bob has been acting so weird lately. Yesterday, we had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for supper. I'd been shopping with Jenny all day, so I thought he was upset because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything about it.

Conversation over supper wasn't flowing, so I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

Tonight, when he came home from work, he skipped supper altogether, piddled in the garage for two hours, then headed straight for his recliner and sat there quietly staring at the TV. When I asked him about the fire they'd just covered on the news, he said he hadn't followed the story. It had just been on!

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed, but he was distant and distracted. He didn't even kiss me goodnight -- he just fell asleep. I lay there for hours wondering what was wrong. I don't know how to reach him. I don't know what to do.

Husband's Diary:

Boat still won't start. Can't figure it out.

My friend has gotten twelve auditions for movies in the last week alone.

I asked him how and all he could say was "It's this new medication". He never told me what it was, but I could safely assume that it was a fast acting drug.

Just found out the Turkish President is getting into acting

He shot a pilot a few month back

When my friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo...

...I just had to put my foot down...

An Airforce Pilot, an Army Engineer, and a Marine crash land in a rainforest...

They are surrounded by a tribe of cannibals and are approached by the Chief of the tribe. The Chief says that they are gonna eat them and use their skin for canoes, but they get to choose how they die. The Pilot chooses to kill himself with his sidearm, the Engineer asks for some fast acting poison. Now, the Marine thinks for a long time, and finally asks for a fork. The chief, though confused, is a man of his word and gives him a fork. The Marine begins stabbing himself with the fork. The chief asked what in the everliving fuck he wad doing, the Marine replies, "Fuck your canoes."

When someone tells me to stop acting like a flamingo

That's when I put my foot down.

Penguin goes to a mechanic

So a penguin goes to a mechanic because his car is acting up. The mechanic says "ill take a look at it right away. Come back in an hour and ill have it figured out by then".
The penguin decides to go next door to an ice cream shop while he waits. The penguin doesn't have hands so he gets ice cream all over his flippers and beak.
So the penguin heads back to the mechanic and asks him if he figured out whats wrong with his car. Mechanic says "Looks like you blew a seal". The penguin says "Nope, its just ice cream."

Today my daughter, she is 7, made me look like an ass at the store...

She was throwing a fit and it started to annoy me. I saw another child that was acting good and said, "look at that girl over there; she isn't misbehaving"

And without missing a beat, she says, "maybe she has better parents"

We were in check out, and several people laughed

Porn movies are positive movies:

No murder,
No war,
No fight,
No conspiracy,
No cheating,
No racism,
No religious fanatics,
No language problem,
No crying or teasing,
Good cooperation,
Good coordination,
Natural acting,
Everybody enjoys the climax,
Lots of love,
Alwayz a very happy ending for all characters!

And the best part… No matter which point you start watching, you will understand the story..

My ex just called me, sobbing on the phone to tell me she has AIDS and I should get checked.

The hardest part is acting surprised.

Why did the sun's spouse leave it?

Because it kept acting like the world revolved around it.

My wife accused me of acting like a flamingo

So I had to put my foot down...

Women complaining about menstrual cramps...

...are simply ovary acting.

What's the hardest thing about finding out that your sister has aids?

Acting surprised.

My wife had a terrible mood swing during her period.

She's just ovary acting.

What do you call it when a woman is on her period?

Ovary Acting.

Did you hear about the acting role Nicolas Cage turned down?

Neither has he

People need to stop acting like animals have the same emotions as humans...

...they hate it when we do that.

What are the funniest acting jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Acting? Well, here are the best Acting puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Acting pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes