Acting Jokes

Following is our collection of actress humor and matrix one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Acting puns for adults, dirty theatrical jokes or clean acted gags for kids.

There is an abundance of theater jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 59 funniest jokes on acting. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any gunn witze you can hear about acting.

The Best jokes about Acting

Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.

When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down.

What's the hardest part about hearing your sister has AIDS?

Acting surprised

FRESH HARAMBE OF BELL AIR....

In west Cincinnati I was born and raised on the zoo grounds is where I spent most of my days,Chillin out hangin out acting all cool, eating bananas out by the pool When a mom and her kid, they were up to no good, crawled over the fence into my neighborhood,I got in one little fight and my zoo keeper got scared, heard a gunshot just before I stopped breathing air.......

My crush told me that I was like a brother to her while we were in the car...

We were driving to New York at the time, and about halfway up the east coast she told me I was like a brother to her. She was surprised when I proceeded to turn the car around and drive the other way without even acting phased. She asked "where are we going now?" My only answer was "Alabama."


Pablo Escobar was taken down with the assistance of Columbian children acting as police informants

When he was arrested, Pablo furiously cried out "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those MedellΓ­n kids!"

My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning.

The toughest part was acting surprised.

Gender inequality.

There is an inequality when it comes to men and women. For example...

If a man sleeps with hundreds of women he is respected and labled as a stud or a player. Nothing bad is said about him and he goes on acting like the player he is.

However, if a woman that goes around sleeping with hundreds of men, she's your mum.

if Newton heard someone suggest his corpse could move without an external force acting upon it...

...he would roll over in his grave.

Two Helium atoms were acting funny

HeHe

I think I want to take up acting...

Does anyone know of a local soccer league I could join?


My wife always freaks out when she's on her period

Keep having to tell her to stop ovary acting.

I have a friend that's a recovering kleptomaniac

anytime his symptoms start acting up, he takes something.

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband...

Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!

Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.

How to keep kids from acting up in class

A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

A woman showed up at my house today

She said Tell your son to stop copying me!

Johnny! Stop acting like an idiot! I shouted to my son

Little johnny

Ms. Apple was teaching her class of first graders the alphabet. She was going around the room to each student and would ask them recite the alphabet.
When she saw little johnny was next she was prepared for the worst, as johnny has had a reputation for acting up.
She cautiously asks johnny to say the alphabet and he says, "abcefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz".
Ms. Apple is relieved, since this is the first day she has taught the alphabet she is surprised that he only left out one letter. She lets johnny know that he forget one letter. To wich johnny responds, "sorry ms.apple I didn't realize you wanted the d.

My friend has recently started collecting acting equipment.

Props to him.

I honestly think girls need to stop acting like their periods are the worst things in the world

It's really just a bit of an ovary action, don't you think?


The guy that played Killmonger in Black Panther is great

He's the Michael Jordan of acting.

Trump has been criticized for being incredibly sexist, homophobic, fundementalist, and wanting to bring back slavery

In other words, he's been criticized for acting like a Muslim.

Biblical Parenting Techniques

Joseph: What should we do about Jesus acting up in school?

Mary: I don't know it's not like raising the Son of God came with Emmanuel

Business Trip

A nurse is making her rounds through a nursing home and pops into a room. The man is sitting in his bed animatedly acting like he's driving, "vroom vroom" sound effects and everything. The nurse says, "Ed, what are you doing?" "I'm driving to Chicago for a business trip," Ed replies.

The nurse leaves Ed's room, and makes it two doors down the hall where she finds another patient furiously masturbating. "Joe, what do you think you're doing," the nurse yells. Joe replies, "I'm fuckin' Ed's wife while he's in Chicago!"

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange. We went to a nice restaurant for dinner. I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he said nothing about it.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was something I had done. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, and again he said nothing. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm sure his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

A wife is getting fed up with her husband always acting like a detective.

They get into a huge fight about it and she finally says I think we need to split up

The husband replies That's a great idea we can cover more ground that way

(Sorry if this has been posted before I only heard it today)

I'm no longer calling period attitude PMS...

Nope, I'm calling ovary acting.

When people tell me to stop acting like a flamingo...

...that's when I put my foot down.

Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him?

He couldn't handle his boos.

My friend has gotten twelve auditions for movies in the last week alone.

I asked him how and all he could say was "It's this new medication". He never told me what it was, but I could safely assume that it was a fast acting drug.

Husband & Wife Diary Entries

Wife's Diary

Bob has been acting so weird lately. Yesterday, we had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for supper. I'd been shopping with Jenny all day, so I thought he was upset because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything about it.

Conversation over supper wasn't flowing, so I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

Tonight, when he came home from work, he skipped supper altogether, piddled in the garage for two hours, then headed straight for his recliner and sat there quietly staring at the TV. When I asked him about the fire they'd just covered on the news, he said he hadn't followed the story. It had just been on!

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed, but he was distant and distracted. He didn't even kiss me goodnight -- he just fell asleep. I lay there for hours wondering what was wrong. I don't know how to reach him. I don't know what to do.

Husband's Diary:

Boat still won't start. Can't figure it out.

Just found out the Turkish President is getting into acting

He shot a pilot a few month back

Penguin goes to a mechanic

So a penguin goes to a mechanic because his car is acting up. The mechanic says "ill take a look at it right away. Come back in an hour and ill have it figured out by then".
The penguin decides to go next door to an ice cream shop while he waits. The penguin doesn't have hands so he gets ice cream all over his flippers and beak.
So the penguin heads back to the mechanic and asks him if he figured out whats wrong with his car. Mechanic says "Looks like you blew a seal". The penguin says "Nope, its just ice cream."

My ex just called me, sobbing on the phone to tell me she has AIDS and I should get checked.

The hardest part is acting surprised.

Why did the sun's spouse leave it?

Because it kept acting like the world revolved around it.

My wife accused me of acting like a flamingo

So I had to put my foot down...

Women complaining about menstrual cramps...

...are simply ovary acting.

My wife had a terrible mood swing during her period.

She's just ovary acting.

What do you call it when a woman is on her period?

Ovary Acting.

Did you hear about the acting role Nicolas Cage turned down?

Neither has he

My girlfriend was crying because of a pain around the belly

I told her she is ovary acting.

People need to stop acting like animals have the same emotions as humans...

...they hate it when we do that.

Broken Promises

While my son was at the school yesterday he was acting up. The teacher called on him and asked, "Do you remember what you promised me?" The boy said, "Yes, that I wouldn't misbehave anymore." Then the teacher asked, "And do you remember what I promised you?" The boy responded, "Yes, that if I misbehaved again I'd be sent to the principals office, but since I broke my promise it's ok if you do too."

Aaron Paul prefers to stay in character even when the cameras aren't rolling

It's called methead acting

My teacher said, because I was acting up in class, I have to do a book report on the largest bone in the arm.

Isn't that humorous?

I'm 28, and my parents got really angry at me for acting like a flamingo all the time.

When they told me that, I had to put my foot down.

On our first date, I couldn't figure out why my wife was acting like a fish.

Turns out she was just being Koi.

Since the success of The Rock, fans suggest more wrestlers should participate in acting.

They are. It's called wrestling.

You should try...

Dad: I cut my finger
Me: you should put some tryactin on that
Dad: what's tryactin?
Me: try acting like a man

My girlfriend said, Your obsession with acting like a detective is getting out of hand. I think we should split up.

I said, Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.

A woman goes to the vet with her pet alligator...

She says "doctor, there is something wrong with my gator. I just caught him acting like a cat and meowing at a squirrel instead of eating it!"

After running a few tests the vet concludes that the alligator has a-reptile dysfunction.

Whenever I shoot something into the trash, I yell "Kobe!"

But then, my friend follows up by yelling "Jack!" I don't get what he's trying to say, but he sure is acting cheesy.

Why are women moody during PMS?

Because they're ovary acting.

My wife told me to stop acting childish

I told her to get out of my fort

What do you say to a Lady who's acting up while on her period?

Please stop Ovary-acting



[P.S.. i sure hope this hasn't been posted here before]

A guy walks into an IT place...

He asks the IT guy for help with his computer. "My browser is acting dumb. The fullscreen button in the menu is broken, so I can't fullscreen. Is there another way to do it?"

"Of course!" Says the IT guy."It's a simple matter of pressing the function key and F11." He presses the keys, but nothing happens.

"Oh, I don't use the function key. I got all the functions remapped." Says the man.

The IT guy is confused. "Why would you do that? Do you even remember what you remapped them to?"

The man says "It's okay, I've got everything under control."

A tale of two camels

Buddy of mine works at the local zoo. He's usually taking care of the camel they have there they call Sir Hump. They had been noticing that he was looking mopey and depressed so they brought in a companion. This female camel was named Lady Lumps. Anyways, Hump was finally acting normal again and soon enough, they did the freaky deaky camel thruster and had a baby. This camel was born without a hump. When I asked him was they ended up naming it he just smirked at me. He finally stopped and as serious as he could said:

"What do you think a hump-less camel should be named? It's obvious...


Humphrey."

My overdramatic girlfriend came up to me, balling her eyes out and confessed to having the most painful period she's ever had before

I looked her right in the face and said "stop ovary acting"

Two IT pros are being held on charges for murder

The local hospital's life support machine was acting up, so they turned it off and back on again.

Just took an acting class....

Now I'm qualified to be a soccer player

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes