acting Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious acting stories

What are the best Acting puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Acting? Well here is a complete list of Acting dad jokes:

Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.

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Two Helium atoms were acting funny

HeHe

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I have a friend that's a recovering kleptomaniac

anytime his symptoms start acting up, he takes something.

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A couple goes into marriage counselling...

The wife tells the psychologist that her husband has been acting in unacceptable ways, and that she will have to seek a divorce if he doesn't change his behavior.


First of all, the husband always picks his nose, regardless of whether or not he's in public or some other inappropriate location for nose-picking.


Also, the husband never looks up while he is walking. His eyes are always glued to the floor when he goes anywhere.


And worst of all, he never lets his wife top while they're having sex.


The psychologist asks the husband why he acts the way he does, and the husband replies, "my father insisted that I do those things while he was on his deathbed, so I'm simply respecting his last wishes." "Well, what *exactly* did he say?" the psychologist inquired. So the husband replies, "he told me to keep my nose clean, don't step on any toes, and don't fuck up."

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My friend has gotten twelve auditions for movies in the last week alone.

I asked him how and all he could say was "It's this new medication". He never told me what it was, but I could safely assume that it was a fast acting drug.

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Broken Promises

While my son was at the school yesterday he was acting up. The teacher called on him and asked, "Do you remember what you promised me?" The boy said, "Yes, that I wouldn't misbehave anymore." Then the teacher asked, "And do you remember what I promised you?" The boy responded, "Yes, that if I misbehaved again I'd be sent to the principals office, but since I broke my promise it's ok if you do too."

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Old whore house joke

Guy walks into a whorehouse and asks for a girl, the madam says all the girls are busy. He says I know you got one back there, I will take anything you got. The madam says are you sure? The man agrees that he will take anything. The madame then brings him back to old Mabel. The man goes to screw old Mabel and she says I can't screw today, my hips are acting up. The man says ok how about some head? Mable reply's I can't my Jaw is been a clikin'. So the man says what the hell can you do? Mabel says well here try this, she proceeds to pull out her glass eye and says put it in here. The man obliges and puts his pecker in her eye socket and goes to town. When finished he says Goddam damn that's the best thing I ever screwed, I will definitely be back to visit ya. Mabel replies ok great. I'll keep an eye out for ya.

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A woman goes to the vet with her pet alligator...

She says "doctor, there is something wrong with my gator. I just caught him acting like a cat and meowing at a squirrel instead of eating it!"

After running a few tests the vet concludes that the alligator has a-reptile dysfunction.

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Buddy laid this one on me a while back. His acting made me believe it all the way till the punchline.

Was at a party when a friend starts telling this story. You'll have to change some things around to make it work for you but it goes like this.

So did you hear I got a ticket last week? I was driving down this farm road cause I thought it would be a short cut getting to my girlfriends house. Anyway it was late and the road didn't have any street lights, I didn't see this pig that was in the road and I hit it. Scared the crap out of me. I got out to see if there was any damage and to see if the pig was maybe still alive but it seemed dead. I didn't know what to do so I just sorta pulled it off to the side of the road and kept going.

A few days later I got a ticket in the mail for hitting the pig. I couldn't believe it. That pig squealed on me.

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A tale of two camels

Buddy of mine works at the local zoo. He's usually taking care of the camel they have there they call Sir Hump. They had been noticing that he was looking mopey and depressed so they brought in a companion. This female camel was named Lady Lumps. Anyways, Hump was finally acting normal again and soon enough, they did the freaky deaky camel thruster and had a baby. This camel was born without a hump. When I asked him was they ended up naming it he just smirked at me. He finally stopped and as serious as he could said:

"What do you think a hump-less camel should be named? It's obvious...


Humphrey."

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The zoo inspector and the monkey

Once upon a time, an inspector planned to come to a zoo, as it wasn't doing well and didn't make profit. That became a problem to the managers who didn't want him to find out that they sold the monkey.

So they approached bill, a janitor and a faithful worker there and gave him a monkey suit and told him how to act like a monkey, and it will only last until the inspector leaves.

Came the inspector, the worker was in the cage and started acting like a monkey. The inspector wasn't pleased with the animal and thought that it was sick and old, so he told throw the monkey to the lion and get a new one, and the managers agreed.

Bill lied there still and overwhelmed with shock, because, after all these years working faithfully, they agreed to throw him just like that! He was paralyzed with shock when they threw him in the lion's cage. The lion came slowly and Bill was afraid and lost, when the lion whispered to him : "Don't worry, I'm Joe the cotton candy guy"

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My Internet is acting like a black guy

It doesn't work

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No arms, no legs.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pothole? Phil.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a wall? Art.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that you lift? Jim.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs acting as a buoy? Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs being peed on? John.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs covered in mustard? Frank.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a Jacuzzi? Stu.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a burning house? Ash.

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I'm not just pms-ing.

I'm ovary acting.

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Why is Jesus acting so weird lately?

Because he alone is the most high

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Mickey and Minnie go to a counselor

Mickey and Minnie decided to go to a counselor due to recent relationship despair.

The counselor says, "So Mickey, you told me the Minnie was acting a little silly."

With that Mickey responds, "No! I said she was fucking Goofy!"

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Two men floating up to heaven...

both sitting on clouds drifting to the great beyond. One looks over at the other and says how did you die?

the man says well, I thought my wife was cheating on me. So I rushed home early from work to catch her in the act.
When I got home, the place seemed empty but she was acting suspicious. So I checked all the closets.
I checked under the bed, in the pantry, in the garage. Nothing! I couldn't find anyone, I was getting angrier and angrier. Finally I went down into the basement and started throwing around boxes and anything a person could hide under. In my rage I had a heart attack and must have died.
The other man shook his head, and said "if you had just looked in the freezer we would both still be alive".

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I don't get why pro athletes feel the need to hit women...

...just reply to the next one in your DMs if she isn't acting right.

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My girlfriend is officially a professional actress

So my my girl friend has always dreamed of bring an actress and just recently got her first acting job and I am so proud of her. Be sure to look for her on 16 and Pregnant!

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Quit it...

A man was sitting with his wife one morning when he asks "can you go and make me some eggs?" His wife then scornfully replies, "make you own damn eggs!" The man looks to his wife and says "what's the matter?" She then screams "quit treating me like a dog!" To which he wittily replies "then quit acting like a bitch!"

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My pet lizard was acting really strange the other day so I took it to the vet.

She said it was a reptile dysfunction.

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Can't believe it

My friend in hospital is using this 'O2' drug and I take it off him and he's acting like he's dying
Like bro don't do drugs in hospital

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Nicholas Cage on an Airplane

Acting up

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What's the difference between Bono and Jesus?

Jesus didn't walk around Dublin acting like he's Bono.

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Smarter Generation

"The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students took over. ""Your hard drive crashed,"" he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, ""My computer is down. The hard drive crashed.""
""We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the problem?""
""A student told me,"" I answered.
""We'll send someone over right away."""

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Did you hear about the new WinZip movie?

They had too many cast members causing extra acting issues.

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My Car's Acting Up (Physics)

I love my car; driven it for years but, over the last few days, it's clear that something's wrong. No car acts this way so I have to find a shop, and fast. I'm new in town so I pick a name that sounds trustworthy and European: Schrodinger Auto.

What's the problem? The mechanic asks.

The car's running fine; no crazy noises from the engine, no loss of power or control but for the last few days, whenever I drive it anywhere, people are honking at me and yelling because the car's, well…jizzing all over the place.

I expected him to laugh or throw me out but he runs to his office instead. He's so busy calling all his friends to tell them the story that I can't even get him to start in on the car.

What's the deal!?

Your car is in a state of superposition, you see. He explains, It's both cumming and going.

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An old bigot comes to a carpentry school to talk about Jesus

Bigot: Hello my dear lambs, can one of you tell me how Jesus died ?

Student: Yes Ma'am, I know !

Bigot: ok then, we're listening to you !

Student: Well, you know, since he was acting badly, they put him on a cross. It wasn't very complicated. First they dug a hole. Then they built the cross with two large pieces of wood (approximately 150 and 80 inches), which they put together with four long screws and some clamps. Then they attached Jesus on it, certainly with three 5" nails. Then they stood the cross back up in the hole, and made it hold up with some concrete and two cables attached behind.

Bigot: Well errr... thank you for this... answer... does someone else want to answer ?

Student 2: Yes Ma'am, me !

Bigot: we're listening.

Student 2: I think it's going to be solid !

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A man was taking the bus

and a little boy was copying every movement he made. That eventually annoyed him so he addressed the boy's mother.

"Excuse me, could you tell your son to stop mimicking me?"

"Johny, this man is annoyed, stop acting like a jackass."

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An Airforce Pilot, Army Engineer, and Marine crash land in the rainforest.

They are surrounded by a tribe of cannibals and are approached by the chief of the tribe. The chief says they are going to eat them and use their skin for canoes, but they can choose their own method of death. The pilot shoots himself with his sidearm, and the engineer asks for some fast acting poison. Now, the Marine thinks for a while, and finally he asks for a fork. Even though the chief is confused, he is a man of his word and gives him a fork. When the Marine begins stabbing himself repeatedly all over with the fork the chief asks "What in the everliving fuck are you doing?" To which the Marine replies "FUCK YOUR CANOES!".

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my absolute favorite joke to tell people when they piss me off.(or they are acting like a smart ass)

hey did you know that 2 times 10 equals 2 times 11?

i like to argue with them for like 5 to 10 minuets.

then tell them to work it out

2x10=20 2x11=22
two times 10 is twenty two times eleven is twenty-TOO LOLZ they get so pissed off it makes my day every time

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How to keep kids from acting up in class

A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

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Princess Diana beat her children

Did you know that Princess Di beat her children? It was a sad secret that her kids carried with them until after her death. Then one day, Prince Charles noticed that Prince William was especially withdrawn and not at all acting like himself.

Prince Charles asked William what was wrong and William replied: "Diabetes."

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Penguin goes to a mechanic

So a penguin goes to a mechanic because his car is acting up. The mechanic says "ill take a look at it right away. Come back in an hour and ill have it figured out by then".
The penguin decides to go next door to an ice cream shop while he waits. The penguin doesn't have hands so he gets ice cream all over his flippers and beak.
So the penguin heads back to the mechanic and asks him if he figured out whats wrong with his car. Mechanic says "Looks like you blew a seal". The penguin says "Nope, its just ice cream."

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I slept with this bitch I picked up the other night.

Don't get me wrong, the sex was great... but she was acting really clingy and didn't want me to leave the next morning. I asked my buddy for some advice on how to deal her, and he said it's only natural. I guess most rescue dogs have really bad separation anxiety.

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Little johnny

Ms. Apple was teaching her class of first graders the alphabet. She was going around the room to each student and would ask them recite the alphabet.
When she saw little johnny was next she was prepared for the worst, as johnny has had a reputation for acting up.
She cautiously asks johnny to say the alphabet and he says, "abcefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz".
Ms. Apple is relieved, since this is the first day she has taught the alphabet she is surprised that he only left out one letter. She lets johnny know that he forget one letter. To wich johnny responds, "sorry ms.apple I didn't realize you wanted the d.

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Business Trip

A nurse is making her rounds through a nursing home and pops into a room. The man is sitting in his bed animatedly acting like he's driving, "vroom vroom" sound effects and everything. The nurse says, "Ed, what are you doing?" "I'm driving to Chicago for a business trip," Ed replies.

The nurse leaves Ed's room, and makes it two doors down the hall where she finds another patient furiously masturbating. "Joe, what do you think you're doing," the nurse yells. Joe replies, "I'm fuckin' Ed's wife while he's in Chicago!"

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James Franco asking for Purple Heart Award after his bravery acting in "The Interview"

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Husband & Wife Diary Entries

Wife's Diary

Bob has been acting so weird lately. Yesterday, we had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for supper. I'd been shopping with Jenny all day, so I thought he was upset because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything about it.

Conversation over supper wasn't flowing, so I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

Tonight, when he came home from work, he skipped supper altogether, piddled in the garage for two hours, then headed straight for his recliner and sat there quietly staring at the TV. When I asked him about the fire they'd just covered on the news, he said he hadn't followed the story. It had just been on!

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed, but he was distant and distracted. He didn't even kiss me goodnight -- he just fell asleep. I lay there for hours wondering what was wrong. I don't know how to reach him. I don't know what to do.

Husband's Diary:

Boat still won't start. Can't figure it out.

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Batman Acting Application

A actor walks into the interview. The interviewer asked him questions."So far you are the perfect person for the job. Last question,are your parents alive?"

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Why was Pinocchio acting drunk?

He couldn't handle his lacquer

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I was just thinking..

So my computer got a black screen, and I turned it off and on again. Over my life of fixing computers, the majority of minor, weird problems were usually fixed by turning it off and on again. And I was thinking of this dialogue:

Hospital Nurse: IT, the life support is acting weird! What should we do? The patient is in critical condition!

IT tech: Did you turn it off and on again?

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A woman complained to the doctor that her husband was acting like a dog.

She tried reasoning with him but nothing changed his behavior. The doctor gave her a prescription for some medication and asked her to check back in two weeks.

At the next visit, she reported no progress so the doctor prescribed a different medication.

Two weeks later the doctor asked about her husband's progress. The woman replied that her husband had died? The doctor was astounded and asked, "From the medication?"

"No," she replied, "he was in the driveway licking his balls and I backed over him."

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AVN's Best Actress Award goes too...

you acting pussy like a chick in a porn film.

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Two Old Guys Rocking on the Front Porch

Two old guys are rocking on their from porch.
An old hound dog is laying between them snoozing.
Every so often the dog raises his head and howls

OOOOoooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!

then puts his head back down and goes back to snoozing.

OoooOOOOoooohhhhhhhhhh!

The one old guy asks why the dog was acting that way . . .

"Because he's lying on a nail" he replied.

"Why doesn't he get up?" the man asked.

"Because it's not hurting him that bad". . . . .

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My 5-year-old daughter hates it when I call her the "C" word...

cranky. She starts crying, screaming and stomping around.

It's at this point I have to tell her: "Stop acting like a little cunt!"

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A man is driving his Ferrari on the highway...

A man is driving his Ferrari on the highway speeding slightly above the limit when he sees cop lights flashing in his rear mirror. In a instant of madness, the man thinks "what the hell, I'll just outrun him". After a few moments of extreme speeding the man comes the his senses, realizes he is acting crazy and pulls over.


As he rolls down his window the cop tells him "I should arrest you on the spot for that but you know what, it's the end of my shift and I'm tired. So if you can come up with one excuse that I never heard for doing that, I'll let you off with a warning.

The man thinks for a while and replies "Well you see, a few weeks ago my wife left me for a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

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Severe injury! NFSW

Hi guys, this is one joke that i invented, works better with a little bit of acting (sorry for the translation, im french)

-Man, didn't i told about my severe injury? i tore my acl ligament while playing hockey(ligament in the knee).i had to go through a surgery cause my knee wouldn't flex anymore.
what they did, is that they took some tissue right at the base of my p-nis, cause its really similar to the tissue in the knee. So they extract some of those tissue to repair my acl and now it works really fine!
they only problem i have now, is when i see a f-ckn chixx i start walking like that (start walking with one leg stiff!!)

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My Porkinson's disease is acting up.

I keep crashing my X-Wing.

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A Mafia Don hires a deaf accountant.

He was pleased with himself for coming up with the idea; if the man could not hear, he would not be able to testify against the Don about what was said amongst him and his capos.

One day, after several months of working near this man, he notices the accountant acting nervous and fidgety. Suddenly wary, the Don decides to take a look at his books to see if any funny business is afoot. After poring over the material, he realizes that there is about 10 million dollars in cash that is unaccounted for!

The Don calls in the accountant immediately, along with his attorney, who happened to be fluent in sign language. He demands from the man, "I know you stole my money, and now you're going to tell me where it is."

Reading the Don's lips, panic and fear come over the accountant as he frantically signs back, "I have no idea what you're talking about!"

The Don looks at his consigliere and is told, "The man says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Don shoots up from his chair, gun in hand, and levels the barrel right between the man's eyes. "You WILL tell me where the money is, or I'll blow your brains all over this room!!"

Terrified, the accountant signs "Okay! Okay! It's buried in the garden behind my mother's house, under the kitchen window."

The Don asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say??"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best acting jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about acting. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty acting gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these acting jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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