Following is our collection of funny Act jokes. There are some act legislation jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these act action puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
Try to act surprised
Trying to act surprised.
...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.
The hardest part is always having to act surprised.
Most politicians act like heroes to get elected and comedians while in office.
"Hello."
It's a huge act, man..
After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."
The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end. The parrot and the magician spend 2 days floating at sea without saying a word.
Finally the parrot says, "Alright, I give up. Where's the boat?"
They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.
Eventually, though, he was gladiator.
He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.
When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.
You can explore act lewd reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean act deed dad jokes. There are also act puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Clooney says "I'll direct."
Dicaprio says "I'll act."
McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write."
"May I see your License Ma'am?"
"You know you cops really need to get your act together... One day your buddy takes my license away, and the next you ask for it"
He can turn alcohol into domestic violence... But his disappearing act is even better.
She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."
I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."
for me to come out from under the bed and act like an adult.
The priest says Tell me son why are you here
Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.
The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?
Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.
This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.
The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?
... I told her to act her age, and she died.
That's the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.
Don't mind him. He's just a product of our times
Clooney says, I'll direct.
DiCaprio says, I'll act.
McConaughey says, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.
Trying to act surprised
I walked into a dentist's office. The dentist asked me what the problem was.
I said, I'm a moth.
The dentist said, You're a moth?
I said, Yes! I'm a moth. I act like a moth. I think like a moth. I'm a moth!
The dentist said, Sir, I think you want the psychiatrist's office. He's two doors further down the hall.
I said, I know. I was on my way there, but your light was on.
She liked to dress up like herself and act like a raging bitch all the time
But he's not running for President, his wife is.
At least act like you've been there before.
Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.
Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.
Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.
Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.
Unlawful is the act of breaking the law. Illegal is a sick bird.
Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my career.
12 years wasted as a veterinarian.
Most of the guards survived didn't they?
I've never been this old before.
Just act super natural.
It was a third degree burn.
Have you seen adults lately?
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
... "For $200, I'll perform any act for you," she tells him, "provided that you can describe the act in three words." The man thinks about the offer for less than a moment and gives the woman $200. "OK, tell me what you want me to do, but remember, only in three words," she tells him. The man, who has been quiet throughout the exchange says, "Paint my house."
A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:
"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" Says the dog.
"Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
Again, the dog says "Roof!"
"Remarkable! So what do you think?"
The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act."
Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"
Would that mean this has all been a huge act, man?
...When he comes out, the car is not where he left it and apparently was stolen. So he calls the police and hopelessly goes back home. Two days later, he finds his car at his front door, with a note left in:
I am very sorry but I had to borrow your car, because my wife was in labor and about to give birth and I had to act quickly. I deeply apologize and send these front-row concert tickets for you and your wife to enjoy this tuesday evening.
So the man and his wife go to the concert tuesday evening. When they return home, they realize someone broke in and the house was burgled. And a note was left on the floor: Soo, did you like the concert?
Sorry for the terrible grammar :D
Because elephants never forget.
The madame takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms.These guys are too drunk to notice.
After finishing their act ,on their way back ...
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!
1st drunk: Why would u say that???
2nd drunk: Well i gave a little love bite on her bum.....She farted in my face and flew out of the window.
"For $200 I'll perform any act you want, provided you can describe it in 3 words."
The man thinks about the offer for a moment then hands over the money and replies,
"Paint my house."
Act now and for just $49.99 you too can experience the intensity and originality of this punchline!
They act like I'm non-existent and only talk to me when they need something from me.
They were a bit rusty at first but got better as the evening went on.
St. Peter says: before I can let you in, you must tell me one selfless act you did while alive
Guy says One time i was driving and saw this motorcycle gang harassing a little old lady. I pulled over and went up to the biggest guy punched him square in the face and said - LOOK, if you mess with her, you mess with me
St. Peter said wow, that's pretty impressive, but I don't see it in your records. When exactly did this happen?
The guy said oh, about five seconds ago
As the officer is writing the ticket, he notices several machetes in the back seat of the car.
What are those for? he asks suspiciously.
I'm a juggler, the driver replies. I use those in my act.
Well, show me, the officer demands.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling: one, two, three, four, and finally seven machetes at one time. He does overhand, underhand, and behind the back.
Another car passes by. The driver does a double take and says: My God, if that's the test they're giving now, I've got to give up drinking!
A circus advertises a new act: a pig that can speak French. A trainer walks onto the stage carrying a small pig with a blue ribbon and a wooden mallet. The trainer asks, "Parlez-vous français?" and hits the pig with the mallet. The pig: "Ouiiii..."
There was once a great Mexican Magician. He was world-renowned for his incredible feats. His most famous act, though, was his vanishing act. He would count;
uno
dos
and suddenly he would disappear without a tres.
They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins
They act like they own the place.
I gave him 5 stars.
The act is spectacular, but the four gentlemen are having a tough time getting a good view.
The performer, by some coincidence, notices this and stands up on a large wooden box to give them a better view. He then calls out to them "Can all of you see me now?"
They each reply:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja."
A little girl comes home from school and her mother asks how her day was. The little girl told her mom That she had found out something new. Her mother asked what it was and the girl replied
"Johnny showed me his pee-pee today and it reminded me of a peanut."
Of course her mother was disturbed and she decided to go along with the little girl's act to see if it wasn't true.
"What about it reminded you of a peanut? Was it small like a peanut?"
"No, it tasted salty."
the stroke of midnight.
A blonde was speeding on a highway when a policeman pulled her over.
The policeman walks up to the blonde and say "excuse me ma'am can I see your driving license and registration."
The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took my license away and then today you expect me to show it to you."
A certain number! One to actually perform the task, and the rest to act in a manner stereotypical of the group.
...oral sex. She wanted to get in on the act so we started to 69.
...changed my hole perspective.
But what about Make-A-Wish?
I responded, "Yes, there was a brief period."
*insert pun here*
It's obviously just a huge act, man.
My girlfriend dated a clown before we started going together.
I've got some pretty big shoes to fill.
..."Wow! that's a really nice car boss!"
"Lemme tell you something. If you set goals, work hard, and act determined, I can get an even better one next year."
An act of violins.
The trick is, always act surprised.
A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.
It was a third degree burn.
As he approaches the car, the policeman spots a set of knives on the back seat.
He asks the man why he has them and doesn't he know it's against the law to carry knives?
The man explains that the knives are used in his act. He juggles them.
The policeman insists the man gets out to show him so he stands at the roadside performing his act.
Just then, another car drives by. The driver of the car turns to his wife and says, Thank goodness I gave up drinking, just look how the police do sobriety tests these days.
It was time for his big finale.
"And now, for my final trick, I will make myself disappear on the count of three!"
"Uno! Dos!"
POOF!
He was gone without a tres.
A: the defendant
Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)
For the young and/or foreign:
Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defendant
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act defined as punishable under criminal law.
A man walking down the street when he is approached by a prostitute.
"For $200 I'll perform any act for you, provided that you can describe the act in three words"
The man thinks about the offer for less than a minute and gives the woman for $200.
"OK tell me what you want me to do, but remember only in three words."
The man replies "Paint my house."
What did the right testlcle say to the left?
Look at this guy in the middle trying to act all hard
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the act unspeakable jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working act behaviour piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.