Act Jokes
122 act jokes and hilarious act puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about act that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh along with some of the funniest acts and jokes in comedic history. From the timeless double act, to the impromptu skits, modern-day plays, and lewd jokes, discover the different types of comedy acts that can make any crowd roar. Check out the Stamp Act, Sister Act, Sugar Act, Comedy Act, and Popi Act, as well as some of the best opening and drag acts around.
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Funniest Act Short Jokes
Short act jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The act humour may include short perform jokes also.
- My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
- Guns are like gum... Pull it out in class and everyone acts like you've been best friends since kindergarten.
- Deaf people aren't known to be very rational They have trouble making sound decisions.
- Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government? Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?
- Vladimir Zelenski is a backwards politician. Most politicians act like heroes to get elected and comedians while in office.
- In order to attract women I like to use this quote from shakespeare's Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82. "Hello."
- During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney It's a huge act, man..
- My Dad Is A Magician He can turn alcohol into domestic violence... But his disappearing act is even better.
- My wife and I had a huge argument today. By the time we were finished, she was on her knees begging... for me to come out from under the bed and act like an adult.
- I got booed off of the stage at the start of my comedy act for saying that I still live with my parents... That's the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.
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Act One Liners
Which act one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with act? I can suggest the ones about action and opening act.
- What's the hardest part about hearing your sister has AIDS? acting surprised
- What does SWAT stand for… … in Texas?
Stand, Wait, Act Tough - My boyfriend is an atheist and treats me like a goddess He acts like I don't exist.
- I don't know how to act my age I've never been this old before.
- How do you sneak into a school for ghosts? Just act super natural.
- Two Helium atoms were acting funny HeHe
- I hate when people say "act like an adult" Have you seen adults lately?
- Either my wife genuinely thinks she's a goldfish... Or she's just acting Koi.
- I once was kidnapped by mimes. They performed unspeakable acts
- My friend has recently started collecting acting equipment. Props to him.
- When a flat-Earther acts carelessly, what is he doing? Living on the edge.
- What do you call it when one musician abuses another? An act of violins.
- Cardi B is a great actor She acts like she can sing and people love her.
- Yesterday I was held hostage by a mime. He performed unspeakable acts on me.
- Based on Lebron's acting skills, I suspect Space Jam 2... Will be a flop.
Circus Act Jokes
Here is a list of funny circus act jokes and even better circus act puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the lion who killed a man during a circus act? He went straight for the juggler.
- In a circus "Daddy, they said death-defying act, but why then nobody actually died?
Daddy?
Daddy!"
Opening Act Jokes
Here is a list of funny opening act jokes and even better opening act puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Today is my dad's birthday He's the opening act for Christ.
Sister Act Jokes
Here is a list of funny sister act jokes and even better sister act puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A joke my dad said just now. Dad: "I'm just acting like a bra and being supportive."
Supporting my sister's cheerleading. - What do you call it when your mom's sister is acting like Jesus? The Auntie-Christ
- Why is eavesdropping at the Oval Office like watching Sister Act? Either way, you're gonna hear a con-vent.
- I hate it when my sister acts all holier-than-thou I know we both have the same number of holes
Comedy Act Jokes
Here is a list of funny comedy act jokes and even better comedy act puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Apparently Colin Kaepernick is pursuing a career in comedy He's landed some acting roles but he can't do stand-up.
- My dad decided that he would start a business protecting famous comedy acts from financial risk Hilarity ensured.
- I was once asked to do stand-up comedy at a pub... They must've gotten some other act, because there was a stool on stage when I got there.
- I've got two part time jobs. I'm a boxer, and a warm up act at the comedy club. I read between the punchlines.
Double Act Jokes
Here is a list of funny double act jokes and even better double act puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The double slit experiment proved one of the strangest hypotheses in science College chicks will do anything if you wear a lab coat and act smart.
Howlingly Hilarious Act Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about act you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean behaviour jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make act pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.
The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."
A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and pointing.
The muscular friend sees this and comes over to his scrawny friend. "Dude," he says. "You have to put the potato in the front."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A s**... has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...
...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.
A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.
The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
Sir, he says, Why do you have all those knives?
They're for my juggling act, the circus performer replies.
I don't believe you, says the cop. Prove it. So the performer gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives flawlessly.
Just at that moment, a car with two guys in it drives by. "Wow, says one to the other. I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.
What do libertarians and house cats have in common?
They both act like they are independent and self sufficient but in reality are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.
A magician gets himself a parrot for his act
After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."
The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end. The parrot and the magician spend 2 days floating at sea without saying a word.
Finally the parrot says, "Alright, I give up. Where's the boat?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A barbarian s**... in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter
They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to o**... s**... only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.
Eventually, though, he was gladiator.
A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.
He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.
When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.
A blonde is pulled over by a police officer...
"May I see your License Ma'am?"
"You know you cops really need to get your act together... One day your buddy takes my license away, and the next you ask for it"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elementary school teacher was meeting her new class
She pointed to one student and asked "What does your father do for a living?"
The boy said "My father's a magician! He has a new act that ends with sawing people in half."
"That's wonderful!" said the teacher. "And do you have any siblings?"
"Yes," said the boy- "I have a half brother and a half sister."
My girlfriend threatened to break up with me
She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."
I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."
A man goes for confession ...
The priest says Tell me son why are you here
Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.
The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?
Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.
This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.
The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?
I told my wife, "You're starting to act like my ex-wife"
She freaked out and said, "You never told me you had an ex-wife!"
I replied, "I don't."
I hate it when people act all intellectual…
I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart
… when they probably haven't even seen one of his paintings
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My ex-girlfriend had this weird f**...
She liked to dress up like herself and act like a r**... b**... all the time
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Is he s**...? Yes. Is he disgusting? Absolutely. Did he act in a v**... manner towards women? Certainly.
But he's not running for President, his wife is.
Ok Chicago, please be responsible. If the game doesn't go your way tonight...
At least act like you've been there before.
Pets are like countries.
Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.
Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.
Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.
Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.
Had my medical license revoked today.
Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my career.
12 years wasted as a veterinarian.
People act surprised when I tell them my grandfather survived the holocaust.
Most of the guards survived didn't they?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend said, You have a B.A., Master's, and a Ph.D, but you still act like a m**....
It was a third degree burn.
Mental Hospital
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...
A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:
"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" Says the dog.
"Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
Again, the dog says "Roof!"
"Remarkable! So what do you think?"
The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act."
Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"
If the actor who plays Wolverine were to reveal that he's been a con-artist his entire life....
Would that mean this has all been a huge act, man?
A man parks his car on the street and goes into a shop....
...When he comes out, the car is not where he left it and apparently was stolen. So he calls the police and hopelessly goes back home. Two days later, he finds his car at his front door, with a note left in:
I am very sorry but I had to borrow your car, because my wife was in labor and about to give birth and I had to act quickly. I deeply apologize and send these front-row concert tickets for you and your wife to enjoy this tuesday evening.
So the man and his wife go to the concert tuesday evening. When they return home, they realize someone broke in and the house was burgled. And a note was left on the floor: Soo, did you like the concert?
Sorry for the terrible grammar :D
Tell a woman she's beautiful a thousand times and she'll still act like she's never heard it before. Call a woman fat once and she'll always remember.
Because elephants never forget.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two drunk men visit a brothel
The madame takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms.These guys are too drunk to notice.
After finishing their act ,on their way back ...
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!
1st drunk: Why would u say that???
2nd drunk: Well i gave a little love bite on her b**........She f**... in my face and flew out of the window.
EA Games and Ubisoft walk into a bar...
Act now and for just $49.99 you too can experience the intensity and originality of this punchline!
A pig that can speak French
A circus advertises a new act: a pig that can speak French. A trainer walks onto the stage carrying a small pig with a blue ribbon and a wooden mallet. The trainer asks, "Parlez-vous français?" and hits the pig with the mallet. The pig: "Ouiiii..."
I went to see a UB40 tribute act called 'WD40' last night.
They were a bit rusty at first but got better as the evening went on.
Guy dies and is at the pearly gates
St. Peter says: before I can let you in, you must tell me one selfless act you did while alive
Guy says One time i was driving and saw this motorcycle gang harassing a little old lady. I pulled over and went up to the biggest guy punched him square in the face and said - LOOK, if you mess with her, you mess with me
St. Peter said wow, that's pretty impressive, but I don't see it in your records. When exactly did this happen?
The guy said oh, about five seconds ago
A circus performer is pulled over for speeding.
As the officer is writing the ticket, he notices several machetes in the back seat of the car.
What are those for? he asks suspiciously.
I'm a juggler, the driver replies. I use those in my act.
Well, show me, the officer demands.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling: one, two, three, four, and finally seven machetes at one time. He does overhand, underhand, and behind the back.
Another car passes by. The driver does a double take and says: My God, if that's the test they're giving now, I've got to give up drinking!
A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered
They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Landlords are so stuck up
They act like they own the place.
I went to see a stage performer that does live sacrifices of celebrities during his act
I gave him 5 stars.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
what do you call the act of m**... before you sleep?
the s**... of midnight.
Another blonde joke...
A blonde was speeding on a highway when a policeman pulled her over.
The policeman walks up to the blonde and say "excuse me ma'am can I see your driving license and registration."
The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took my license away and then today you expect me to show it to you."
How many members of an identifiable group does it take to perform a common task?
A certain number! One to actually perform the task, and the rest to act in a manner stereotypical of the group.
People act like PETA is the only charity that has an 85% death rate.
But what about Make-A-Wish?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Hanes commercial came on while I was watching T.V. with my daughter. She turned and said, "oh please Dad, don't act like you never wore tighty w**......
I responded, "Yes, there was a brief period."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Talking t**...
What did the right testlcle say to the left?
Look at this guy in the middle trying to act all hard
After much consideration, I do not believe Wolverine in the X-Men movies is real.
It's obviously just a huge act, man.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's hard following a clown act
My girlfriend dated a clown before we started going together.
I've got some pretty big shoes to fill.
Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?
A: the defendant
Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)
For the young and/or foreign:
Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defendant
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act defined as punishable under criminal law.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend said: You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot…
It was a third degree burn.
Q: How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?
A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.
A circus performer is stopped by the police for having a faulty brake light
As he approaches the car, the policeman spots a set of knives on the back seat.
He asks the man why he has them and doesn't he know it's against the law to carry knives?
The man explains that the knives are used in his act. He juggles them.
The policeman insists the man gets out to show him so he stands at the roadside performing his act.
Just then, another car drives by. The driver of the car turns to his wife and says, Thank goodness I gave up drinking, just look how the police do sobriety tests these days.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walking down the street
A man walking down the street when he is approached by a p**....
"For $200 I'll perform any act for you, provided that you can describe the act in three words"
The man thinks about the offer for less than a minute and gives the woman for $200.
"OK tell me what you want me to do, but remember only in three words."
The man replies "Paint my house."
An Act of Malicious Conpliance
Teacher: Write a short story. You have a strict 140-character limit.
Student: Once upon a time, Snow White lived with 139 Dwarves. The end.
How come when a video of a squirrel putting a nut in a dog gets 18k upvotes and is called "Cute"
but when I do it it's a "heinous act" and my dog gets taken away?
What should you do if your Wife tells you that she has AIDS?
Act surprised.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was in Mexico last weekend enjoying what the entertainment has to offer....
...ended up going to this magic show that was highly recommended. The Magician came on stage and started the show with a disappearing act. He said "Pay close attention as I will vanish into thin air on the count of three"
He started counting... "uno....dos..."
And sure as s**... he disappeared without a Tres.
An usher saw a man sprawled across 3 seats in the theater
"Excuse me, sir, you can't sit across three seats"
The man only faintly mumbled and shifted a bit.
"Excuse me, SIR, you can't sit like this!"
Another faint mumble.
Grabbing his arm, the usher inquired "Sir, where did you come from thinking you can act this way?!"
"The balcony"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two sailors are on shore leave. They have a few drinks and decide to go to a variety show. At the intermission one of them needs to pee and asks directions from the usher. Go through the exit, turn left along the corridor, turn first right, then left, then right again, he says.
The sailor follows the directions with some difficulty, relieves himself, and eventually finds his way back to his seat. You missed the best act, says his friend. While you were gone a sailor came on-stage and p**... into the orchestra pit.
TIL you need an Act of Congress to move some pieces of furniture in the White House.
Approving new Cabinet positions is such a drag.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A female friend of mine told me that i should act more like a knight
So i stopped showering, brushing my teeth and i r**... her
2 Original depressed baker jokes
Did you hear about the depressed baker who threw himself into his own oven?
Colleagues said it was a final act of self-loafing.
Did you hear about the depressed baker who went on a killing spree?
Witnesses said he came out all buns glazing.
My therapist asked me how many times a day I act immature.
I responded, "sixty-nine."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**...' and 'Love' ....;)
At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words s**...' and 'love.'
The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical s**... with one another.
The Husband wrote: I Love s**....
What do you call 2 ducks who walk like, act like, and believe they are geese?
A paradux
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My kid recently realized that they were born in the wrong body.
Now, I fully support anything they need to do to feel more like themselves, but I never imagined it would affect my social life like it has. The teachers won't see me, my friends act like I'm not there. h**... even the mailman hasn't made a delivery in weeks. I never realized how hard it was to be a transparent.
William Shakespeare died before completing the final act of his last play.
It was a real tragedy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A w**... is talking to his girlfriend...
She says, "Why is it that when we're around my friends you say you're a sausage, and around your friends you act like a hot dog?"
He replies, "Well, I'll have to be frank with you."
My part-time waitress girlfriend wants to buy nothing but designer outfits...
.. I told her to "act her wage".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If a mime went jihadi and did a s**... b**......
Would it be an unspeakable act of terrorism?
In a circus full of people the entertainer walks onto the stage
"Ladies and gentlemen! Up next is our brand new act. Welcome to the stage - the boy with a phenomenal memory".
Following the entertainers introduction, a boy comes out from behind the stage, starting to unzip his pants.
"Now the said boy is going to urinate on everyone in the front row!", - announced the entertainer.
People in the front are confused and terrified, they start to hussle, trying to leave their seats, when the entertainer exclaims:
"There's no use in running, ladies and gentlemen! The boy has a phenomenal memory!"
Ig the Knight
Once upon a time, there was a soldier named Ig. In a recent battle, Ig showed courage and bravery, saving 20 men by himself!
To honour Ig's heroic act, the Queen of the kingdom was to knight him. Ig knelt before Her Majesty, as she tapped each shoulder of his with a sword. As she finished, Ig the Knight burst into flames! The Queen, astonished by what happened, asked her squire why he lit on fire.
Stunned, the squire spoke, "Ig...Knighted..."
I just got arrested while on stage at a renaissance fair.
Apparently my agent was confused and they actually booked me to perform a lute act on stage.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two schoolgirls are talking about who to vote for Class President.
"I'm voting for Mark. He's so dreamy!"
"I'm not voting for that big h**.... Every time he sees me he gets turned on. He tries to act like it's not happening, but it's pretty obvious."
"So?"
"I'm not voting for an e**... denier."
How does a panda act when you startle it?
Bamboozled.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grandpa's Birthday
So my grandfather turned 90 last weekend, and my uncle, the class act that he is, thought it'd be a good idea to get a stripper one night, after we had the guys golf trip.
So she shows up, it's a bit awkward at first, but she's affable and it makes it a slightly better situation.
Eventually she goes up to the birthday boy and asks him "Do you want a super l**...?"
Grandpa thought long and hard and finally spoke up, "I guess I'll have the soup!"
