Act Jokes

129 act jokes and hilarious act puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about act that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh along with some of the funniest acts and jokes in comedic history. From the timeless double act, to the impromptu skits, modern-day plays, and lewd jokes, discover the different types of comedy acts that can make any crowd roar. Check out the Stamp Act, Sister Act, Sugar Act, Comedy Act, and Popi Act, as well as some of the best opening and drag acts around.

Funniest Act Short Jokes

Short act jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The act humour may include short perform jokes also.

  1. My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
  2. Guns are like gum... Pull it out in class and everyone acts like you've been best friends since kindergarten.
  3. Deaf people aren't known to be very rational They have trouble making sound decisions.
  4. Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government? Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?
  5. Vladimir Zelenski is a backwards politician. Most politicians act like heroes to get elected and comedians while in office.
  6. In order to attract women I like to use this quote from shakespeare's Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82. "Hello."
  7. My friend told me, You have a Bachelor's, a Master's, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot. That was a third degree burn.
  8. During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney It's a huge act, man..
  9. Clooney, Dicaprio, and McConaughey all want to put a movie together Clooney says "I'll direct."
    Dicaprio says "I'll act."
    McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write."
  10. My Dad Is A Magician He can turn alcohol into domestic violence... But his disappearing act is even better.

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Act One Liners

Which act one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with act? I can suggest the ones about plays and deed.

  1. When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
  2. My wife asked me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
  3. What's the hardest part about hearing your sister has AIDS? Acting surprised
  4. Yo mama so old... ... I told her to act her age, and she died.
  5. What does SWAT stand for… … in Texas?
    Stand, Wait, Act Tough
  6. My boyfriend is an atheist and treats me like a goddess He acts like I don't exist.
  7. I don't know how to act my age I've never been this old before.
  8. How do you sneak into a school for ghosts? Just act super natural.
  9. Two Helium atoms were acting funny HeHe
  10. I hate when people say "act like an adult" Have you seen adults lately?
  11. Either my wife genuinely thinks she's a goldfish... Or she's just acting Koi.
  12. Landlords are so stuck up They act like they own the place.
  13. I once was kidnapped by mimes. They performed unspeakable acts
  14. My friend has recently started collecting acting equipment. Props to him.
  15. When a flat-Earther acts carelessly, what is he doing? Living on the edge.

Circus Act Jokes

Here is a list of funny circus act jokes and even better circus act puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did y'all hear that the Ringling Bros. circus is closing down? Moving their act to the White House
  • The circus's lazy new act is just a woman in revealing clothing reciting ascending numbers. I guess it's the thot that counts.
  • Did you hear about the lion who killed a man during a circus act? He went straight for the juggler.
  • In a circus "Daddy, they said death-defying act, but why then nobody actually died?

Opening Act Jokes

Here is a list of funny opening act jokes and even better opening act puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Today is my dad's birthday He's the opening act for Christ.
  • I went to a top-rate concert for 45 cents today! It was 50 Cent with Nickleback as the opening act.
  • What concert costs $0.45 50 Cent with Nickelback as the opening act.

Sister Act Jokes

Here is a list of funny sister act jokes and even better sister act puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A joke my dad said just now. Dad: "I'm just acting like a bra and being supportive."
    Supporting my sister's cheerleading.
  • What do you call it when your mom's sister is acting like Jesus? The Auntie-Christ
  • Why is eavesdropping at the Oval Office like watching Sister Act? Either way, you're gonna hear a con-vent.
  • I hate it when my sister acts all holier-than-thou I know we both have the same number of holes

Comedy Act Jokes

Here is a list of funny comedy act jokes and even better comedy act puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I got booed off of the stage at the start of my comedy act for saying that I still live with my parents... That's the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.
  • Apparently Colin Kaepernick is pursuing a career in comedy He's landed some acting roles but he can't do stand-up.
  • My dad decided that he would start a business protecting famous comedy acts from financial risk Hilarity ensured.
  • I was once asked to do stand-up comedy at a pub... They must've gotten some other act, because there was a stool on stage when I got there.
  • I've got two part time jobs. I'm a boxer, and a warm up act at the comedy club. I read between the punchlines.

Double Act Jokes

Here is a list of funny double act jokes and even better double act puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The double slit experiment proved one of the strangest hypotheses in science College chicks will do anything if you wear a lab coat and act smart.
  • Did you know biologist James Watson was a foot fetishist? His favorite s**... act was double heel licks.
  • Lil' Johnny got in an argument with his teacher. **Teacher**: If you act up again I'll teach you a thing or two!
    **Lil' Johnny**: Great it'll double what I already know.

Howlingly Hilarious Act Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy

What funny jokes about act you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean action jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make act pranks.

What do you do if your girlfriend tells you she's h**... Positive?

Try to act surprised

What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is h**... positive

Trying to act surprised.

A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."
A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and pointing.
The muscular friend sees this and comes over to his scrawny friend. "Dude," he says. "You have to put the potato in the front."

A s**... has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.

The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
Sir, he says, Why do you have all those knives?
They're for my juggling act, the circus performer replies.
I don't believe you, says the cop. Prove it. So the performer gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives flawlessly.
Just at that moment, a car with two guys in it drives by. "Wow, says one to the other. I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.

What do libertarians and house cats have in common?

They both act like they are independent and self sufficient but in reality are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.

I got a call from my ex crying and telling me she was h**...+

The hardest part is always having to act surprised.

A magician gets himself a parrot for his act

After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."
The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end. The parrot and the magician spend 2 days floating at sea without saying a word.
Finally the parrot says, "Alright, I give up. Where's the boat?"

A barbarian s**... in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter

They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to o**... s**... only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.
Eventually, though, he was gladiator.

One day, Leonardo DiCaprio, Steven Spielberg and Matthew McConaughey get together and decide to make a movie.

DiCaprio says "I'll act."
Spielberg says "I'll direct."
McConaughey says "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.

He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.
When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.

A blonde is pulled over by a police officer...

"May I see your License Ma'am?"

"You know you cops really need to get your act together... One day your buddy takes my license away, and the next you ask for it"

An elementary school teacher was meeting her new class

She pointed to one student and asked "What does your father do for a living?"
The boy said "My father's a magician! He has a new act that ends with sawing people in half."
"That's wonderful!" said the teacher. "And do you have any siblings?"
"Yes," said the boy- "I have a half brother and a half sister."

My girlfriend threatened to break up with me

She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."
I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."

My wife and I had a huge argument today. By the time we were finished, she was on her knees begging...

for me to come out from under the bed and act like an adult.

A man goes for confession ...

The priest says Tell me son why are you here
Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.
The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?
Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.
This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.
The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?

I told my wife, "You're starting to act like my ex-wife"

She freaked out and said, "You never told me you had an ex-wife!"
I replied, "I don't."

I hate it when people act all intellectual…

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart
… when they probably haven't even seen one of his paintings

What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot

Don't mind him. He's just a product of our times

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.

Clooney says, I'll direct.
DiCaprio says, I'll act.
McConaughey says, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.

What's the hardest part about an ex saying they're h**... positive?

Trying to act surprised

I'm a moth

I walked into a dentist's office. The dentist asked me what the problem was.
I said, I'm a moth.
The dentist said, You're a moth?
I said, Yes! I'm a moth. I act like a moth. I think like a moth. I'm a moth!
The dentist said, Sir, I think you want the psychiatrist's office. He's two doors further down the hall.
I said, I know. I was on my way there, but your light was on.

My ex-girlfriend had this weird f**...

She liked to dress up like herself and act like a r**... b**... all the time

Is he s**...? Yes. Is he disgusting? Absolutely. Did he act in a v**... manner towards women? Certainly.

But he's not running for President, his wife is.

Ok Chicago, please be responsible. If the game doesn't go your way tonight...

At least act like you've been there before.

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.

Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.

Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.

Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.

What's the difference between i**... and unlawful?

Unlawful is the act of breaking the law. i**... is a sick bird.

Had my medical license revoked today.

Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my career.
12 years wasted as a veterinarian.

People act surprised when I tell them my grandfather survived the holocaust.

Most of the guards survived didn't they?

My friend said, You have a B.A., Master's, and a Ph.D, but you still act like a m**....

It was a third degree burn.

Mental Hospital

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...

A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:
"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" Says the dog.
"Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
Again, the dog says "Roof!"
"Remarkable! So what do you think?"
The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act."
Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"

A man is walking down the street when he is approached by a p**......

... "For $200, I'll perform any act for you," she tells him, "provided that you can describe the act in three words." The man thinks about the offer for less than a moment and gives the woman $200. "OK, tell me what you want me to do, but remember, only in three words," she tells him. The man, who has been quiet throughout the exchange says, "Paint my house."

If the actor who plays Wolverine were to reveal that he's been a con-artist his entire life....

Would that mean this has all been a huge act, man?

A man parks his car on the street and goes into a shop....

...When he comes out, the car is not where he left it and apparently was stolen. So he calls the police and hopelessly goes back home. Two days later, he finds his car at his front door, with a note left in:
I am very sorry but I had to borrow your car, because my wife was in labor and about to give birth and I had to act quickly. I deeply apologize and send these front-row concert tickets for you and your wife to enjoy this tuesday evening.
So the man and his wife go to the concert tuesday evening. When they return home, they realize someone broke in and the house was burgled. And a note was left on the floor: Soo, did you like the concert?
Sorry for the terrible grammar :D

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey

\-get together to make a new movie.
Clooney says I will direct!
DiCaprio says I will act!
McConaughey says I'll write, I'll write, I'll write...

Tell a woman she's beautiful a thousand times and she'll still act like she's never heard it before. Call a woman fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget.

Two drunk men visit a brothel

The madame takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms.These guys are too drunk to notice.
After finishing their act ,on their way back ...
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!
1st drunk: Why would u say that???
2nd drunk: Well i gave a little love bite on her b**........She f**... in my face and flew out of the window.

A man is walking down the street when he is approached by a p**....

"For $200 I'll perform any act you want, provided you can describe it in 3 words."
The man thinks about the offer for a moment then hands over the money and replies,
"Paint my house."

EA Games and Ubisoft walk into a bar...

Act now and for just $49.99 you too can experience the intensity and originality of this punchline!

Women treat me like I'm God.

They act like I'm non-existent and only talk to me when they need something from me.

A pig that can speak French

A circus advertises a new act: a pig that can speak French. A trainer walks onto the stage carrying a small pig with a blue ribbon and a wooden mallet. The trainer asks, "Parlez-vous français?" and hits the pig with the mallet. The pig: "Ouiiii..."

I went to see a UB40 tribute act called 'WD40' last night.

They were a bit rusty at first but got better as the evening went on.

Guy dies and is at the pearly gates

St. Peter says: before I can let you in, you must tell me one selfless act you did while alive
Guy says One time i was driving and saw this motorcycle gang harassing a little old lady. I pulled over and went up to the biggest guy punched him square in the face and said - LOOK, if you mess with her, you mess with me
St. Peter said wow, that's pretty impressive, but I don't see it in your records. When exactly did this happen?
The guy said oh, about five seconds ago

A circus performer is pulled over for speeding.

As the officer is writing the ticket, he notices several machetes in the back seat of the car.
What are those for? he asks suspiciously.
I'm a juggler, the driver replies. I use those in my act.
Well, show me, the officer demands.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling: one, two, three, four, and finally seven machetes at one time. He does overhand, underhand, and behind the back.
Another car passes by. The driver does a double take and says: My God, if that's the test they're giving now, I've got to give up drinking!

There was once a great Mexican Magician...

There was once a great Mexican Magician. He was world-renowned for his incredible feats. His most famous act, though, was his vanishing act. He would count;
and suddenly he would disappear without a tres.

A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered

They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins

I went to see a stage performer that does live sacrifices of celebrities during his act

I gave him 5 stars.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street artist perform.

The act is spectacular, but the four gentlemen are having a tough time getting a good view.
The performer, by some coincidence, notices this and stands up on a large wooden box to give them a better view. He then calls out to them "Can all of you see me now?"
They each reply:


A little girl comes home from school and her mother asks how her day was. The little girl told her mom That she had found out something new. Her mother asked what it was and the girl replied
"Johnny showed me his pee-pee today and it reminded me of a peanut."
Of course her mother was disturbed and she decided to go along with the little girl's act to see if it wasn't true.
"What about it reminded you of a peanut? Was it small like a peanut?"
"No, it tasted salty."

what do you call the act of m**... before you sleep?

the s**... of midnight.

Another blonde joke...

A blonde was speeding on a highway when a policeman pulled her over.
The policeman walks up to the blonde and say "excuse me ma'am can I see your driving license and registration."
The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took my license away and then today you expect me to show it to you."

How many members of an identifiable group does it take to perform a common task?

A certain number! One to actually perform the task, and the rest to act in a manner stereotypical of the group.

People act like PETA is the only charity that has an 85% death rate.

But what about Make-A-Wish?

A Hanes commercial came on while I was watching T.V. with my daughter. She turned and said, "oh please Dad, don't act like you never wore tighty w**......

I responded, "Yes, there was a brief period."

Talking t**...

What did the right testlcle say to the left?
Look at this guy in the middle trying to act all hard

After much consideration, I do not believe Wolverine in the X-Men movies is real.

It's obviously just a huge act, man.

Women on their period always o**... act.

*insert pun here*

It's hard following a clown act

My girlfriend dated a clown before we started going together.
I've got some pretty big shoes to fill.

My boss got a new car...

..."Wow! that's a really nice car boss!"
"Lemme tell you something. If you set goals, work hard, and act determined, I can get an even better one next year."

Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?

A: the defendant
Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)
For the young and/or foreign:
Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia‎
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act defined as punishable under criminal law.

What do you call it when one musician abuses another?

An act of violins.

What should I do if an ex girlfriend calls me and tells me she's h**... positive?

The trick is, always act surprised.

My friend said: You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot…

It was a third degree burn.

Q: How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

A circus performer is stopped by the police for having a faulty brake light

As he approaches the car, the policeman spots a set of knives on the back seat.
He asks the man why he has them and doesn't he know it's against the law to carry knives?
The man explains that the knives are used in his act. He juggles them.
The policeman insists the man gets out to show him so he stands at the roadside performing his act.
Just then, another car drives by. The driver of the car turns to his wife and says, Thank goodness I gave up drinking, just look how the police do sobriety tests these days.

A Mexican magician was finishing up his act...

It was time for his big finale.
"And now, for my final trick, I will make myself disappear on the count of three!"
"Uno! Dos!"
He was gone without a tres.

A man walking down the street

A man walking down the street when he is approached by a p**....
"For $200 I'll perform any act for you, provided that you can describe the act in three words"
The man thinks about the offer for less than a minute and gives the woman for $200.
"OK tell me what you want me to do, but remember only in three words."
The man replies "Paint my house."

jokes about act