Acres Jokes

30 acres jokes and hilarious acres puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about acres that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you looking for some light-hearted fun? Check out these hilarious jokes about Green Acres, the 1960s comedy show about a New York lawyer who moves to a rural mansion and tries his hand as a cattle rancher!

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Best Short Acres Jokes

Short acres puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The acres humour may include short farms jokes also.

  1. My Daughter asked me "dad, why don't you treat me like a princess." So I married her off to the king of Spain in exchange for 5000 acres on the Costa del Sol.
  2. A quarter acre of undeveloped land may not seem like much to some people, But to me it's a lot.
  3. I heard my lawnmower was going on a rampage... It was going on a *grass*acre
    [Grass acre, grass massacre](#spoiler)
  4. You won't believe this, United decided to buy 1,000,000 acres of land to start a farming business. An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
  5. Why doesn't anyone wear pants in the hundred acre wood? It makes it easier for winnie to pooh
Acres joke, Why doesn't anyone wear pants in the hundred acre wood?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about acres can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of acres puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Acres One Liners

Which acres one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with acres? I can suggest the ones about yards and crops.

  1. I've just moved into a six bedroom house with three acres of land. Don't tell the owners.
  2. What do you call the destruction of large acres of lands? A massacre.
  3. Your mama is so fat that her BMI is measured in acres.
  4. Who's the biggest player in the Hundred Acre Wood? Eeyore, he's always chasing that tail.
  5. Hear about the farmer that stepped on a rake? He had two acres.
  6. What do you call a Speakeasy in the hundred acre woods? A blind Tigger.
  7. Why did Eddie Albert have to go to the dentist? Because he had Green Acres!
  8. Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of n**... tissue in the U.S.?

Acres joke

Uproarious Acres Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time

What funny jokes about acres you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean lands jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make acres prank.

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?
‟Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.
‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?
‟Yes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.
^(getting exasperated) ‟Does he beat you up?
‟No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he does not get up until after I've left for work.
‟We just can't seem to communicate.

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."
The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.
The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.
Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."

The year is 1921. Eastern Poland, the new border with Russia is forming after WWI.

One of the officials coordinating this process stumbles upon an old house that is located just on the path of where the border would be set. Property, with an old shed and few acres of land, is habited by one old farmer.
"This is your lucky day, old man. You can choose whether you prefer to be on the Polish or Russian side of the border" says the officel.
"Polish" the farmer answers without hesitation.
"And why is that if I may ask?"
"Cause Ruskies have very harsh winters."

Morris had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris' Last Will and Testament.

Morris had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris' Last Will and Testament.
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.
To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."

A guys in a bar turns to another

A rancher walks into a bar and sits next to a rugged old guy with a hat.
He says "I just had the hardest day rounding up my cattle".
The rugged guy responds "oh yeah ? I'm a rancher too. I got a couple hundred acres down by the creek".
The rancher brags "Not bad, not bad, but I can get in my truck in the morning, start driving, and I won't reach the end of my ranch until the next day.
The rugged guy looks at him with pity and says "I feel you, i used to have a truck like that too".

One of them Deevorces

A backwoods country bumpkin goes to his lawyer and says, "Sir, I wanna git mahself one uh them thar deevorces."
The lawyer says, "Ok, well, you need grounds for a divorce."
The farmer says, "I has grounds sir, a hunderd an fitty acres of it."
The lawyer says, "No, I mean, you need a case!"
The farmer says, "I has one-uh them too! Keep mah doc-u-mints in it!".
The lawyer says, "No.... No.... You need a to file a suit."
The farmer says, "Sir, I has the suit, wear it tah church err'y Sumday."
The lawyer sighs. "Ok, let me put it to you this way... Is your wife a nagger?"
The farmer says, "No sir, wife's a white woman, 'bout 5 feet tall... Had herself a nagger baby though..."

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.

The first Texan says, "My name is
Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 10,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 50,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "300
Acres? What do you raise?"
Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John.
"Downtown Dallas."

Not Here To Swim...

My uncle Mike owns hundreds of acres of land. In a back corner of that land there is a small lake surrounded by peach trees. One day he decides he'll pick some peaches and relax by the water. So he grabs a peach bucket and starts toward the lake. As he gets closer he hears women screaming and thinking something is wrong he sprints to the lake but to his surprise he finds three girls skinny-dipping. As soon as he gets to the shore the three girls see him and swim to the middle of the lake. They yell, "You're not coming in and we're not coming out until you leave." So thinking fast he holds up the bucket and says, "I'm not here to swim. I'm here to feed the alligators!"

A man finds a magic lamp while walking.

He rubs it and out pops a Genie.
Genie - *"You have three wishes but there's a catch. Whatever you wish for your wife gets double"*
Man - *"Okay great, for my first wish I want a 50 room mansion on a 100 acres of land"*
Genie - *"Granted, your wife gets a 100 room mansion on 200 acres"*
Man - *"For my second wish I wish for one Billion dollars"*
Genie - *"Granted, but remember, your wife gets two Billion"*
Man - *"That's perfect, for my last wish, take that stick over there and beat me half to death with it..."*

r**... Divorce

A h**... walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.
Attorney: "May I help you?"
h**...: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
h**...: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
h**...: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
h**...: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
h**...: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
h**...: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"
h**...: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

A. D. E. A. Agent shows up looking for plants.

Agent : we have evidence that m**... crops may have been planted on your property. May I have a look around?
Farmer : sure, just stay off the back 40 acres.
Agent : slightly perturbed, holds up his badge. "You see this badge? It means I can go anywhere I please.
Farmer : yeah, but I'm warning you, don't go back there.
So naturally the first place the agent goes is the back 40, a few minutes later the agent comes running out with a 1400 pound bull chasing him.
At which the farmer yells "show him your badge".


Dilly Dump is the manager of the Last Resort Old People's Home. One morning, he is going from house to house collecting donations throughout the nice, mediocre American suburb called Yuppy Acres.
Dilly walks up to the Poke household and rings the doorbell. When Porky Poke answers the door, Dilly says, Good morning, sir. Would you like to make a contribution to the Last Resort Old People's Home?
Okay, replies Porky. Then he turns around and calls back to the house, Hey, Grandma! Get your hat and coat on!

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

"On what grounds?"
"Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees."
"No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?"
"Yes, we have a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage."
^(getting exasperated) "Does he beat you up?"
"No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he doesn't get up until after I've left for work."
"We just can't seem to communicate."

A Farmer goes to town

and enters a lawyer's office. "Mr. Lawyer," he says, "I'd like to get one of them die-vorces."
"Well," replies the lawyer, "do you have any grounds?"
"Yessir, 'bout 180 acres out near the county line."
"No, what I meant was, do you have a case?"
"Naw, but I do have a John Deere."
"No, No, No, do you have a grudge?"
"Yup, park my John Deere in it evry night."
"Look here, do you have a suit?"
"'Course, wear it to church evry Sunday."
"You're not making this easy on me. Listen, is your wife a nagger?"
"Nope, but that last kid was, that's why I want one of them die-vorces."

A Question of Communication

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?
She replied, "About four acres with a little home in the middle of the property."
"No," said the judge. "I mean, what is the foundation of this case?"
"It's made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle in town, as well as my husbands parents."
He said, "Do you have a grudge?"
"No," she replied. "Since we have a carport, we've never really needed one."
"Ma'am, has your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded. "About twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Madame, why do you want a divorce?"
"I've never wanted a divorce," the woman replied. "My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me."

Acres joke, A Question of Communication

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these acres jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.