Acres Jokes

Following is our collection of rancher humor and land one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Acres puns for adults, dirty estate jokes or clean farmland gags for kids.

There is an abundance of farms jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 22 funniest jokes on acres. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any ranch witze you can hear about acres.

The Best jokes about Acres

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."

The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.

The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.

Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."

A farmer walked into an attorneys office...



A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, May I help you?

The farmer said, Yeah. I want to get one of those dee-vorces.

The attorney asked, Well, do you have any grounds?

The farmer replied, Yeah. I got about 140 acres.

The attorney said, No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?

The farmer said, No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere.

The attorney said, No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?

The farmer said, Yeah, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere.

The attorney said, No, sir, I mean do you have a suit?

The farmer said, Yessir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.

The exasperated attorney said, Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?

The farmer said, No, sir, we both get up about 4:30.

Finally, the attorney asked, Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?

And the farmer replied, Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her!

A farmer walks into a lawyers office...

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for
a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

Farmer: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."

Attorney: "well do you have any grounds?"

Farmer: "Yea, I got about 140 acres."


Attorney: " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Farmer: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."


Attorney: "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

Farmer: "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."


Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Farmer: "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wears it to church on Sundees."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat
you up or anything?"

"No sir, we both get up about 4:30." replies the farmer.

All out of ideas the lawyer asks "Sir, is she a nagger or anything?"

The farmer says, "No, she's a white gal, but our last child was a nagger and thats why I want a dayvorce."

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

"On what grounds?"

"Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees."

"No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?"

"Yes, we have a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage."

^(getting exasperated) "Does he beat you up?"

"No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he doesn't get up until after I've left for work."

"WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

"We just can't seem to communicate."


A Farmer goes to town

and enters a lawyer's office. "Mr. Lawyer," he says, "I'd like to get one of them die-vorces."

"Well," replies the lawyer, "do you have any grounds?"

"Yessir, 'bout 180 acres out near the county line."

"No, what I meant was, do you have a case?"

"Naw, but I do have a John Deere."

"No, No, No, do you have a grudge?"

"Yup, park my John Deere in it evry night."

"Look here, do you have a suit?"

"'Course, wear it to church evry Sunday."

"You're not making this easy on me. Listen, is your wife a nagger?"

"Nope, but that last kid was, that's why I want one of them die-vorces."

A Question of Communication

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?

She replied, "About four acres with a little home in the middle of the property."

"No," said the judge. "I mean, what is the foundation of this case?"

"It's made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle in town, as well as my husbands parents."

He said, "Do you have a grudge?"

"No," she replied. "Since we have a carport, we've never really needed one."

"Ma'am, has your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded. "About twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Madame, why do you want a divorce?"

"I've never wanted a divorce," the woman replied. "My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me."

Peace'n quiet in Auz

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

Not Here To Swim...

My uncle Mike owns hundreds of acres of land. In a back corner of that land there is a small lake surrounded by peach trees. One day he decides he'll pick some peaches and relax by the water. So he grabs a peach bucket and starts toward the lake. As he gets closer he hears women screaming and thinking something is wrong he sprints to the lake but to his surprise he finds three girls skinny-dipping. As soon as he gets to the shore the three girls see him and swim to the middle of the lake. They yell, "You're not coming in and we're not coming out until you leave." So thinking fast he holds up the bucket and says, "I'm not here to swim. I'm here to feed the alligators!"

Redneck Divorce

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."

Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

A farmer walks into a lawyer's office

wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

Farmer: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."

Attorney: "well do you have any grounds?"

Farmer: "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

Attorney: " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Farmer: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

Farmer: "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

Farmer: "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wears it to church on Sundees."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

"No sir, we both get up about 4:30am." replies the farmer.

All out of ideas the lawyer asks "Sir, is she a nagger or anything?"

The farmer says, "No, she's a white gal, but our last child was a nagger and thats why I want a dayvorce."


Alaskan retirement.

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00."

"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."

As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some
drinkin!"

"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can
handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

A man finds a magic lamp while walking.

He rubs it and out pops a Genie.

Genie - *"You have three wishes but there's a catch. Whatever you wish for your wife gets double"*

Man - *"Okay great, for my first wish I want a 50 room mansion on a 100 acres of land"*

Genie - *"Granted, your wife gets a 100 room mansion on 200 acres"*

Man - *"For my second wish I wish for one Billion dollars"*

Genie - *"Granted, but remember, your wife gets two Billion"*

Man - *"That's perfect, for my last wish, take that stick over there and beat me half to death with it..."*

A. D. E. A. Agent shows up looking for plants.

Agent : we have evidence that Marijuana crops may have been planted on your property. May I have a look around?

Farmer : sure, just stay off the back 40 acres.

Agent : slightly perturbed, holds up his badge. "You see this badge? It means I can go anywhere I please.

Farmer : yeah, but I'm warning you, don't go back there.

So naturally the first place the agent goes is the back 40, a few minutes later the agent comes running out with a 1400 pound bull chasing him.
At which the farmer yells "show him your badge".

I've just moved into a six bedroom house with three acres of land.

Don't tell the owners.

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.

The first Texan says, "My name is
Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 10,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."


The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 50,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."


They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."

Roger looks down at him and say, "300
Acres? What do you raise?"

Nothing" Irving says.

"Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John.

"Downtown Dallas."

One of them Deevorces

A backwoods country bumpkin goes to his lawyer and says, "Sir, I wanna git mahself one uh them thar deevorces."

The lawyer says, "Ok, well, you need grounds for a divorce."

The farmer says, "I has grounds sir, a hunderd an fitty acres of it."

The lawyer says, "No, I mean, you need a case!"

The farmer says, "I has one-uh them too! Keep mah doc-u-mints in it!".

The lawyer says, "No.... No.... You need a to file a suit."

The farmer says, "Sir, I has the suit, wear it tah church err'y Sumday."

The lawyer sighs. "Ok, let me put it to you this way... Is your wife a nagger?"

The farmer says, "No sir, wife's a white woman, 'bout 5 feet tall... Had herself a nagger baby though..."

A guys in a bar turns to another

A rancher walks into a bar and sits next to a rugged old guy with a hat.

He says "I just had the hardest day rounding up my cattle".

The rugged guy responds "oh yeah ? I'm a rancher too. I got a couple hundred acres down by the creek".

The rancher brags "Not bad, not bad, but I can get in my truck in the morning, start driving, and I won't reach the end of my ranch until the next day.

The rugged guy looks at him with pity and says "I feel you, i used to have a truck like that too".

Divorce

A hillbilly walked into an lawyer's office wanting to file for divorce.

Lawyer: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Lawyer: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Lawyer: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

Lawyer: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

Lawyer: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

Lawyer: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."

Lawyer: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."


You won't believe this, United decided to buy 1,000,000 acres of land to start a farming business.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Donation

Dilly Dump is the manager of the Last Resort Old People's Home. One morning, he is going from house to house collecting donations throughout the nice, mediocre American suburb called Yuppy Acres.

Dilly walks up to the Poke household and rings the doorbell. When Porky Poke answers the door, Dilly says, Good morning, sir. Would you like to make a contribution to the Last Resort Old People's Home?

Okay, replies Porky. Then he turns around and calls back to the house, Hey, Grandma! Get your hat and coat on!

Hear about the farmer that stepped on a rake?

He had two acres.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes