Acing Jokes
84 acing jokes and hilarious acing puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about acing that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Acing Short Jokes
Short acing jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The acing humour may include short jokes also.
- Five asexual people are playing cards One of them starts to explain the rules and then he pauses and says
I would say no cheating but there's already five aces at the table - Girl: I'm sick and tired of you pretending to be some detective ace all the time. I think we should split up. Me: Excellent idea. That way we can cover more ground.
- I don't get how people have problems with diversity in Lord of the Rings Legolas has been an arrow ace the whole time.
- WIFE: if you quote Ace Ventura one more time, I'm seriously going to leave you ME: alllllllllrighty then
- I refuse to play poker with my friend because he has a tattoo of Jim Carrey from 1994 on his forearm. He's always got an ace up his sleeve.
- A group of asexuals are playing cards one, the dealer, says "I would tell you all not to cheat, but there are already five aces at the table."
- I just aced my philosophy test The question was, "What is the central question of epistemology?" I answered, "How should I know?"
- Why was the American pilot denied Ace status after shooting down five A6M5's? Because he had Zero kills.
- A man is found dead surrounded by 53 bicycles. How did he die? He had an ace up his sleeve.
- There are two kinds of people: Those who make Ace Ventura references every day... and *lahoo-sah-hers*
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Acing One Liners
Which acing one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with acing? I can suggest the ones about and .
- The professor gave me a C on my Latin exam... Aced it!
- Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work. Nobody got higher than me.
- I didn't exactly ace my "capture the wasp" exam. I got a bee.
- Why was Zlatan bad at playing cards? Because he always wanted to be the ace.
- I've lost all the aces from this deck of cards. I just can't deal with this.
- what do you call an asexual lawyer? an ace attorney
- How do you neutralize Lords of Acid? With some Ace of Base.
- I aced the convert-to-Islam test today. I answered "allah the above"
- I aced my chemistry test on the pH scale... It was really basic.
- Why do people with heart disease always lose at poker? They have to take ACE inhibitors.
- Ace King for a friend Is it a good hand for a pre-flop raise?
- In WW2, what did the Germans have that the Japanese didn't? Ace pilots.
- An asexual lawyer Otherwise known as an ace attorney.
- Two guys walk into a Bar. One fails and the other becomes an ace attorney.
- I've got an ace up my sleeve (It's me i'm ace)
(and i'm in these sleeves)
Acing Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about acing you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make acing pranks.
My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I'm obsessed with horse Racing.
I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....
I told my wife she needed to start embracing her mistakes.
So she gave me a hug.
A Russian goes to a watchmaker.
He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'."
"No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner.
He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."
The recipe said, Set the oven to 180 degree.
Now I have no idea what to do, because the oven door is facing the wall.
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell...
It only made it more sluggish.
I removed the shell from my racing snail.
I thought it would make it faster, but if anything it's more sluggish.
Simply by replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87%...
...of what little joy you had left in your life
Are you a v**...?
Joe had a blind date with Maria for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.
After some really passionate embracing, he said: "Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," Maria replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a v**...?" Joe was amazed!
"No, silly," she giggled, "I've never objected!"
A husband died
A husband died.
A few years later, his wife died.
As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"
The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,
"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
I wanted to make my racing snail faster..
So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.
I used to own a racing snail...
It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish
How do you make a racing snail faster?
I tried taking his shell off but it only made him more sluggish.
Placing three armed veterans in each school will stop school shootings
The shooter will see people with three arms and freak out.
Went and got my first gun yesterday
Went and got a 9mm p**... I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says s**... down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card
My friend and I started replacing the word 'in' with 'inside'.
For example, if we wanted to say, "it's in the fridge", we'd instead say "it's inside the fridge".
One day, my parents caught onto this. They asked me why I was saying "inside" instead of "in".
I responded,
"it's an inside joke".
A husband died
A few years later the wife died.
As she got to heaven, she sees her husband and runs up to him with tears in her eyes "Oh darling, how I've missed you."
The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine.
The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.
The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.
As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said Wait a minute! I think I see the problem…
I removed the shell from my racing snail thinking he'd be faster..
He's actually more sluggish now.
Today I decided to take the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him move faster...
If anything he seems more sluggish!
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the television.
I had a racing snail...
To make him more aero-dynamic I took off its shell. If anything it made him more sluggish
I'm a scientist who's researching b**... between humans and dogs…
If you'd like more details, I'll be in my lab…
James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...
James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,
"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "
"Do you expect me to talk? "
"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "
Snail Racing
My friend owned a racing snail. It never won any races so he removed the shell to make it go faster. Sadly it didn't work, if anything it made it more sluggish
Lucky Numbers
There was this man by the name of Mr Five.
His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.
He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.
One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.
He bet $5555.55 on the horse.
After 5 hours the results are out.
Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.
50 Jokes for 50 US States Part II
# Alaska
An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, 'Where were you on the night of October to April?'
Disclaimer: This is not my joke. And I sure hope that its not a repost from any of the subs. I am sure that there will be numerous variations out there. So just wanted to let you know that I read it on Reader's Digest Issue 1/09, finding it funny, I wanted to share with the jokers here.
I used to have a a racing snail that kept losing.
I decided to remove its shell to try and speed it up, if anything it made it more sluggish.
My girlfriend got really upset when we watched the Harry Potter movies back to back
It isn't my fault I was the one facing the tv
My girlfriend and I watched 3 movies back to back on Netflix
Good thing I was facing the TV.
Aladdin Banned from Flying carpet Racing
Sources say for use of Performance Enhancing Rugs
2 cats are racing across the English Channel,
an English cat named "123" and a French cat named "Un deux t**...." Which cat won the race?
A: The English cat. Un deux t**... cat sank.
I took the shell off my racing snail, hoping it would make him faster.
But, unfortunately, it just made him more sluggish.
I decided to remove my racing snail's shell to make him go faster.
But if anything, it just made him more sluggish.
Today I learned what the CIA is replacing water boarding with.
Verizon Wireless customer service.
I had a big mix up at the store today.
Apparently when the clerk said s**... down facing me, she was referring to my credit card.
I took the shell off my racing snail...
... thinking it would make it go faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish.
My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing...
"And they're off!"
An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.
The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked:
Where were you on the night of October to April?
Racing snail.
My racing snail hadn't been out for a while, so i took his shell off to make him more streamlined. Unfortunately, it just made him more sluggish.
I took the shell off my racing snail to speed it up.
If anything it made it more sluggish.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated...
Now I`m facing s**... harassment charges.
Last night me and my wife watched 3 movies back to back.
Fortunately, I was the one facing the TV.
I watched 3 movies back to back with my wife last night.
Luckily, I was the one facing the screen.
A bank robber's mask falls off mid-heist.
He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.
The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."
My girlfriend bet me I couldn't make a racing car out of spaghetti…
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta
Tampax has announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel.
This is for the Christmas period only.
A little boy was in a relative's wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR -- all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear"
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing
She's at the gate... and she's off
A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship.
The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.
The Cashier said "s**... down, facing me"
By the time I knew he meant the credit card it was too late.
Pregnant elephants
What is harder then getting a pregnant elephant into a Volkswagen?
Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen.
I'm taking a gunsmithing class and this was in the text book with no context. Just stuffed between a paragraph on s**... pins and one on replacing firing pins.
Miniskirt
A small crowd gathers at a bus stop. A b**... blonde in a tight top and even tighter miniskirt shows up same time as the bus. Being a gentleman, a man lets her onto the bus first.
She goes to take her first step up the bus stairs, her legs are unable to take the step. The miniskirt was far too tight. Smiling apologetically to everyone, she reaches back to unzips the zipper a little. She attempts to step up the stairs, again, the skirt is still too tight. She reaches around her back, unzips the zipper a little. Smiling once more, she attempts to step up. Sigh, the skirt is still too tight, she reaches behind her a third time.
Two large hands grab her by the waist, lifting her up and placing her at the top of the steps. "Get your hands off me! How dare you touch me," she squealed.
"Ma'am, as much as I don't mind," the gentleman paused,"you were pulling down my zipper".
A woman staying in a hotel was taking a shower after a long days work when she heard a knock on her door.
She went to the door, looked through the door-hole and saw it was her friend Steve. She wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.
"I finally got my racing licence!" exclaimed Steve.
"Good for you." the woman said, and closed the door, left the towel by the door and got back in the shower. A second knock came, and she saw it was John, another friend of hers. Again she wrapped the towel around her and opened the door.
"I won the lottery!" John said, and the woman congratulated him and went back to her shower. for the third time, a knock on the door came. she looked through the peephole and saw it was Tom, her blind friend. she didn't bother putting on a towel.
"What is it Tom?! This is the third time I have been interrupted while showering!"
Tom gleefully replied:
"I can see!"
A burglar breaks into a house...
He starts searching the house for valuables and comes across some jewelery, which he begins to stuff into his bag. Just then a menacing voice echoes through the house moaning "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks around, sees no one and decides his imagination is just playing tricks on him. As the burglar continues his search he finds some electronics, but before he can stuff them in his bag he hears the voice again moaning "Jesus is watching you". This time the burglar takes a good look around the room he's in and realizes that there is a bird cage with a parrot in it. He walks up to the parrot and asks, "Did you say that?". The parrot stares at him for a second and replies "yes". The burglar realizes that the parrot is somewhat intelligent so he asks "What's your name?". The parrot squawks "Moses".
"What kinda guy names his parrot Moses?"
"The same kinda guy who names his vicious rottweiler Jesus"
A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball...
...and rubbed them against the car door.
Magically, it opened!!
"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"
"Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."
At the post office....
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Emergency flashers
Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their n**... bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my cardboard cutouts. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!
A priest notices a little boy down the street
Trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
A woman recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that b**... I promised you?
Here it comes ..."
So I got my concealed carry permit yesterday
So I got my concealed carry gun permit yesterday and then went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small caliber p**... for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun, the cashier said, s**... down, facing me. Making a mental note to complain about these new invasive gun control laws, I did as she instructed. After her hysterical shrieking subsided, I realized she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the reader. I still don't think I looked that bad.
The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.
"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.
A man from northern Alaska is on trial…
The prosecutor asks in a menacing tone, Where were you in the night from October to April?
I've been doing some drag racing recently.
It's quite the transsport.
3 blondes were standing around some tracks.
The first blonde said "look at these tracks! Do you think they're deer tracks?"
The second blonde shook her head "no, there are no hoof prints. If anything these are dog tracks".
The third blonde chuckled, "come on you two. Look at the even spacing, the consistent depth, the distance between the tracks - it's obvious they're bear tracks!"
The other two blondes looked at the third in admiration of her excellent knowledge of nature, and then all 3 were hit by a train.
I removed the shell of my racing snail to make it go faster.
But it just made it more sluggish.
My wife and I watched three films back to back last night….
Luckily I was the one facing the telly
Real happiness
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing the meaning of real happiness
The English said "real happiness is reading a good book on a rainy night with a hot cup of tea by your side"
The Frenchman said : "non mon ami, real happiness is to meet a beautiful girl make love to her, then you go your separate ways never meeting again"
The Russian : "no you are both wrong, real happiness is when secret police come to your house in middle of night and tell you: Ivan Ivanovich you arrested for conspiracing against the state and you tell them : sorry Ivan Ivanovich lives next door."
I recently lost lots of weight by placing bread on my head.
The loaf hat diet
I spent all day replacing the muffler on my car
It was exhausting