Achiever Jokes

97 achiever jokes and hilarious achiever puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about achiever that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Achiever Short Jokes

Short achiever jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The achiever humour may include short jokes also.

  1. I'm pleased to announce Reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world! The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content
  2. My wife accused me of achieving nothing... So I told her "well I won the Leslie Neilsen award at school."
    "What's that?" she said
    "It's a big building with kids in it"
  3. Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree? Because they stick.
    I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
  4. When I was young, I set a life goal for myself: I will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 40. This year, I've finally achieved half of the goal. I turned 40.
  5. The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
  6. Hear the one about the Buddhist monk who *almost* achieved total spiritual enlightenment? He only made it to Nearvana.
  7. My friend had an affair with a patient. Worked so hard to achieve his degree and one mistake means he lost everything. A great loss to the veterinary profession.
  8. Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a lifetime achievement award? He was outstanding in his field...
  9. They say German durability and build quality is unmatched, especially for appliances such as ovens. How did they achieve such quality? They tested their ovens 6 million times.
  10. Thanos would have made a great President. He would have achieved social distancing in a snap.

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Achiever One Liners

Which achiever one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with achiever? I can suggest the ones about and .

  1. Two over achievers walk into a bar.. Clearly it wasn't set high enough.
  2. I achieved my New Year's revolution from last year. I made it all the way around the sun.
  3. I achieved my personal best in the 100 metres yesterday... 74 metres.
  4. Your momma's so fat She achieved herd immunity by herself
  5. What do they tell Soviet children who want to achieve their dreams? Shoot for the Tsars.
  6. There are two steps to achieve success in life. 1. Never say everything you know.
  7. There are only two rules in achieving success. 1. Never tell everything.
  8. My scarecrow just won a Lifetime Achievement Award... He was out-standing in his field.
  9. To the guy who invented jackhammers, that was a pretty ground breaking achievement
  10. All lives begin... ...with a crowning achievement.
  11. Prostitutes are really over achievers... I mean all they do is succeed.
  12. What did the steak say to his child after he Achieved something? Well Done,My Child.
  13. Why did the Toucan achieve his goal? Because Toucan, not Toucannot.
  14. Giving birth... Is a crowning achievement.
  15. If a vegan becomes a vegetable, have they achieved their ultimate goal?

Achiever Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about achiever you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make achiever pranks.

Finish what you start!

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.

5 WoW related jokes

Yo mama so fat chain lightning hit her twice.
Yo mama so fat, when she logged in for first time she got the World Explorer achievement.
Yo mama so fat, she caused the Cataclysm by running to a buffet sale.
Yo mama so fat, she's immune to Death Knight's Death Grip.
Yo mama's so fat, it takes a 10 man raid of warlocks to summon her.

e**... your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an e**.... He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

Bad pun alert.

I've been watching behind the scenes reels of movies for quite a few years so the magic of movies is somewhat lost on me. I'll know how that car flip was achieved, how they choreographed fight scenes etc.
Still, watching Gravity this weekend I couldn't help but think, "how on Earth did they do that?"

Glass with Water

This joke is said so many times, there must be some good variations. I want to know if you guys heard any.
Standard: There is a glass of water to the halfway point. People are asked to describe the glass.
Optimist: Half Full
Pessimist: Half Empty
Engineer: Glass is twice as big as it needs to be
Example Variation:
Mathematician: It depends on how the glass achieved it's current state. (Limits, anyone?)

There were 2 blondes...

So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".

What do you call the first s**... that reaches the egg?

The ova achiever

A child asks his father: ''What is '**...''?''

He answers: ''Well son, it is something that two people that really like each other do to each others g**... with their mouths so that they achieve o**....''
The child: ''Okay... then what's ''written''?''

How did h**... achieve 99 firemaking?

He burned yews.

what did the hat say to the other hat?

"you go on ahead."
I'd like to thank Twitternation, Steve Wozniak, Adam Schefter, @MattGroening and anyone else who helped me achieve this great feat!

Did you hear about the baby with the gigantic, record-setting head?

The mother called it a crowning achievement.

Why couldn't the effective vitamin supplement achieve true happiness?

He was too super fish oil.

So a dentist just finished his first root canal...

I guess you could say it was his crowning achievement.

Two kids talking about their dads achievements

Kid1: have you heard of panama canal?
Kid2: yes.
Kid1: you know my dad dug it.
Kid2: ok, thats it. Have you heard about the dead sea?
Kid1: yes
Kid2: My dad killed it.

Why'd the farmer win the lifetime achievement award?

Because he was always out standing in his field.

Mother of Six

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife Mother of Six in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, Shall we go home Mother of Six?
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back… Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.
When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.
While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1 and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".

So this doctor walks into a bar and he orders a beer...

**Feminist:** Why isn't the doctor a woman? Does it have to be a man? You know women can be doctors too!
**Me:** Okay, this FEMALE doctor orders a beer-
**Feminist:** Why is she drinking a beer in a bar? She's obviously an intelligent woman for being a doctor, why would she subject herself to such a male environment?
**Me:** Okay, she's not in a bar, she's um, at a… baseball game, and she orders a beer from one of the stands-
**Feminist:** Why would a strong independent intelligent woman doctor be supporting a male dominated sport?!!!!!! That's so oppressive! The men will look at her so demeaningly with no respect for what she has achieved!
**Me:** … Okay fine, I just won't tell the joke then.
**Feminist:** If you seriously can't tell a joke without being sexist then you're not actually funny at all. I bet the original male doctor was White too, you racist.

The one good thing about having a kid with Zika virus...

even if he achieves major success in life, he'll never get a big head.

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike

What do Ted Cruz and an impotent Japanese man have in common?

Neither can achieve an election

Nigel Farage gets his girlfriend pregnant..

Soon after the pregnancy test arrived as positive, he says "My fatherhood ambition has been achieved. I want my life back"

I didn't let my st-st-stutter stop me from achieving my dream career

I'm a door-to-door salesman. I sell "No Soliciting" signs. The more I st-st-stutter the more I seem to sell.

I've finally achieved my lifelong dream of becoming a stand-up comedian

Thank you prosthetic legs!

Donald Trump is the only person in the world who achieved this and made a history.

He won an argument against a woman

Last year I was quite miserable and depressed, so I made it my new year's resolution to turn that around.

Thanks 2016, you helped me achieve my goal and made me depressed and miserable.

Chairman Mao was a keen rock climber who managed to scale all the top ten peaks of China. He commemorated his achievement by getting his ears pierced and adding 10 pieces of jewellery to represent each peak.

he was....(ahem)....MaoTenEarring.

The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner

A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.
The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way.
The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and ensure we are all working with maximum efficiency to solve this problem.
The Software Engineer Just says "Wow! that is strange, lets push it back up and see if it happens again"

When it comes to women, I'm usually denser than a collapsed star.

Sometimes I even achieve singularity.

Man achieves legendary status in composing music while being DEAF. But who is he?


If your ever feeling like you can't achieve something, just remember...

Today, amy winehouse is six years clean.

Interviewer: So Japan, I hear that you're the least obese country in the world. How did you achieve this?

Japan: Ah. So did I ever tell you what happened the last time we had a Fat Man in Japan?

I've been training for months to achieve the world record title of 'Furthest e**...'.

I can't believe how far I've come.

A communist joke often told by Ronald Reagan

Two Russian friends were taking a walk downtown during the height of the Soviet Union. The one looks around at his country and says "is this it? Have we achieved peak Communism?"
The other responds "oh, no my friend, it gets much worse."

DNA is like the menu at Taco Bell

Different combinations of the same four ingredients to achieve endless results.

Whats the difference between a feminist and a t**...?

A t**... might actually achieve something in his life.

My parents told me to work until my bank balance looked like a phone number

I'm happy to say that I've achieved my goal, and am retiring with $911.

I asked my girlfriend - what do you like the most about me ? Is it my handsome look ? Is it my amazing intellect ? Is it my astonishing achievements ?

She said "Its your sense of humor"

I was staying in a hotel last night.

I phoned down to reception. Hi, this is room 26 Can I have a wake up call, please? She said Yes, you're in your mid 30s, Single, live with your mother and have achieved nothing in life!"

No matter how improbable, there's a parallel universe with anything you can think of. Even one where the Irish invented rap.

It's how the universe achieves Homie O'Stasis

I was staying in a hotel last night. Before I went to bed, I phoned down to reception.

Hi, this is room 317. Can I have a wake-up call, please?
The receptionist replied, Yes. You're fat, in your 40′s and given you're staying in such a cheap hotel probably haven't achieved much in your life.

I have achieved immortality

I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.
I wished that I won't die a v**....

What is Austria's greatest achievement?

Convincing everyone h**... was German

I have achieved my life's goal of writing an entire theatrical performance made up entirely of puns.

It's a play on words.

After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business.

I Am Grout

Yesterday I learnt that I have a real problem with heroine addiction.

I have to have s**... with a woman admired for her courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities...

What do you call cancer when it achieves sentience?

A reddit mod.
(doubt this will prevent it form being deleted and myself banned, but this 'attack' is quite impersonal)

My first one here.

Once there was an old lady who lived her life without having s**... ever. She was very proud of this achievement as the only one in the town where she lived.
While in her death bed she made a wish that this achievement of her be made public on her grave so she told someone to make her grave read as " born v**..., lived v**... and died v**...".
The sculptor who was suppose to make that text happen on her grave found the message to be long so he shortened it
"Parcel returned unopened".

Did you know that Brian May, the guitarist from British rockband Queen, has a PhD on Astrophysics?

Yeah, he started his schooling before Queen formed, and achieved his PhD in 2007. One of his dissertations is heavily criticized by the science community though, and it's because he has an odd theory of what causes the Earth's rotation.
You see, he thinks that 'Fat Bottomed Girls make the Rockin World go round.'

British woman in New York pummels a teenager into submission and is congratulated by royalty

But enough about Ghislaine Maxwell, let us celebrate Emma Raducanu's achievments instead.

What does Gen Z have in common with the Greatest Generation?

They consider it a great achievement if they survive childhood without getting shot.

A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question:

*"PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE World"* No result was achieved, since the following problems were facedduring the survey's implementation:
1. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack"
2. In Africa no one knew what is "food"
3. In Eastern Europe no one knew what is "opinion"
4. In South America no one knew what is "please"
5. In the USA no one knew what is "rest of the world"

My friend really wanted a swimming pool

He's asking us for donations to help achieve his dream.
So I gave him a bottle of water.

I made an IRL dad joke a few weeks back...

and it may be my crowning achievement.
We did a delayed Christmas at the in-laws a few weekends back (COVID happened) and my FIL is the kind of jokester that does things like wrap one boot in one present for his wife and the other boot in another.
Mom-in-Law says, "look at him, stretching one gift into two...."
Father-in-law then opens a gift from her and it's a winter vest. Without missing a beat I say, "look who's stretching gifts now, where's the box with the sleeves!?"
I never post so I had to build karma before sharing but hopefully it was worth the wait!

I have been telling lots of monarchy jokes lately,

and it may be my crowning achievement.

(Sorry for being a royal pain).

Bobby joins the military.

Recruitment sergeant: what would you like to achieve?
Bobby: I want to be a general after 2 years.
Recruitment sergeant: are you insane?
Bobby: is that required?

have faith in what you can achieve..

Take Beethoven as an example, he was deaf and everyone just told him that he won't be a great musician...
But he just didn't listen

Why are the Taiwanese so competitive, high-achieving, and motivated?

They have Taipei personalities

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

Dream achieved

If you are dreaming that you peed on yourself and you woke up and realize that you really peed on yourself , dont cry dont be upset be happy that you have achieved your dream.