Achievement Jokes

34 achievement jokes and hilarious achievement puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about achievement that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Achievement Short Jokes

Short achievement jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The achievement humour may include short goals jokes also.

  1. I'm pleased to announce Reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world! The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content
  2. My wife accused me of achieving nothing... So I told her "well I won the Leslie Neilsen award at school."
    "What's that?" she said
    "It's a big building with kids in it"
  3. Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree? Because they stick.
    I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
  4. When I was young, I set a life goal for myself: I will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 40. This year, I've finally achieved half of the goal. I turned 40.
  5. The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
  6. Hear the one about the Buddhist monk who *almost* achieved total spiritual enlightenment? He only made it to Nearvana.
  7. My friend had an affair with a patient. Worked so hard to achieve his degree and one mistake means he lost everything. A great loss to the veterinary profession.
  8. Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a lifetime achievement award? He was outstanding in his field...
  9. They say German durability and build quality is unmatched, especially for appliances such as ovens. How did they achieve such quality? They tested their ovens 6 million times.
  10. Thanos would have made a great President. He would have achieved social distancing in a snap.

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Achievement One Liners

Which achievement one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with achievement? I can suggest the ones about accomplishment and award.

  1. Two over achievers walk into a bar.. Clearly it wasn't set high enough.
  2. I achieved my New Year's revolution from last year. I made it all the way around the sun.
  3. I achieved my personal best in the 100 metres yesterday... 74 metres.
  4. Your momma's so fat She achieved herd immunity by herself
  5. What do they tell Soviet children who want to achieve their dreams? Shoot for the Tsars.
  6. There are two steps to achieve success in life. 1. Never say everything you know.
  7. There are only two rules in achieving success. 1. Never tell everything.
  8. My scarecrow just won a Lifetime Achievement Award... He was out-standing in his field.
  9. To the guy who invented jackhammers, that was a pretty ground breaking achievement
  10. All lives begin... ...with a crowning achievement.
  11. Prostitutes are really over achievers... I mean all they do is succeed.
  12. What did the steak say to his child after he Achieved something? Well Done,My Child.
  13. Why did the Toucan achieve his goal? Because Toucan, not Toucannot.
  14. Giving birth... Is a crowning achievement.
  15. If a vegan becomes a vegetable, have they achieved their ultimate goal?

Lifetime Achievement Award Jokes

Here is a list of funny lifetime achievement award jokes and even better lifetime achievement award puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why'd the farmer win the lifetime achievement award? Because he was always out standing in his field.
  • There should be an award show called "The Rapeys." Cosby would be up for Lifetime Achievement.
Achievement joke, There should be an award show called "The Rapeys."

Witty Achievement Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about achievement you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean outcome jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make achievement pranks.

e**... your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an e**.... He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

There were 2 blondes...

So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".

What do you call the first s**... that reaches the egg?

The ova achiever

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

Mother of Six

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife Mother of Six in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, Shall we go home Mother of Six?
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back… Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.
When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.
While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1 and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".

The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner

A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.
The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way.
The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and ensure we are all working with maximum efficiency to solve this problem.
The Software Engineer Just says "Wow! that is strange, lets push it back up and see if it happens again"

So this doctor walks into a bar and he orders a beer...

**Feminist:** Why isn't the doctor a woman? Does it have to be a man? You know women can be doctors too!
**Me:** Okay, this FEMALE doctor orders a beer-
**Feminist:** Why is she drinking a beer in a bar? She's obviously an intelligent woman for being a doctor, why would she subject herself to such a male environment?
**Me:** Okay, she's not in a bar, she's um, at a… baseball game, and she orders a beer from one of the stands-
**Feminist:** Why would a strong independent intelligent woman doctor be supporting a male dominated sport?!!!!!! That's so oppressive! The men will look at her so demeaningly with no respect for what she has achieved!
**Me:** … Okay fine, I just won't tell the joke then.
**Feminist:** If you seriously can't tell a joke without being sexist then you're not actually funny at all. I bet the original male doctor was White too, you racist.

I was staying in a hotel last night. Before I went to bed, I phoned down to reception.

Hi, this is room 317. Can I have a wake-up call, please?
The receptionist replied, Yes. You're fat, in your 40′s and given you're staying in such a cheap hotel probably haven't achieved much in your life.

Achievement joke, I was staying in a hotel last night. Before I went to bed, I phoned down to reception.