Achieve Jokes

Following is our collection of democracy humor and greater one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Achieve puns for adults, dirty fulfil jokes or clean overachiever gags for kids.

There is an abundance of success jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 40 funniest jokes on achieve. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any reach witze you can hear about achieve.

The Best jokes about Achieve

Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

There were 2 blondes...

So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".

Two over achievers walk into a bar..

Clearly it wasn't set high enough.

I achieved my New Year's revolution from last year.

I made it all the way around the sun.

I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution

My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!

A teacher speaks to his straight-F pupil

"With grades like this you'll never achieve anything in your life. You'll end up a loser"

Fast forward 20 years later. Retired teacher is deadly ill, only a very risky and expensive surgery can save him.
It happens that the best surgeon in the country knows the old man and aggrees to save him for free.

After surgery, when teacher wakes up, the grown-up straight-F student comes into the recovery room.

He unplugs the life support and plugs in his vacuum cleaner.

They say German durability and build quality is unmatched, especially for appliances such as ovens. How did they achieve such quality?

They tested their ovens 6 million times.

Finish what you start!

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

I've been training for months to achieve the world record title of 'Furthest Ejaculation'.

I can't believe how far I've come.

When it comes to women, I'm usually denser than a collapsed star.

Sometimes I even achieve singularity.

What do they tell Soviet children who want to achieve their dreams?

Shoot for the Tsars.

Inner peace can be found, eventually

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Peas shar to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.

DNA is like the menu at Taco Bell

Different combinations of the same four ingredients to achieve endless results.

Interviewer: So Japan, I hear that you're the least obese country in the world. How did you achieve this?

Japan: Ah. So did I ever tell you what happened the last time we had a Fat Man in Japan?

How did Hitler achieve 99 firemaking?

He burned yews.

What do Ted Cruz and an impotent Japanese man have in common?

Neither can achieve an election

If your ever feeling like you can't achieve something, just remember...

Today, Amy Winehouse is six years clean.

I have achieved immortality

I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won't die a virgin.

Whats the difference between a feminist and a terrorist?

A terrorist might actually achieve something in his life.

Project: Reimagined

There once was a secret government program that tried to create perfect soldiers through genetic modification, cloning, and strenuous conditioning.
What they wanted to achieve was the normal super soldier run down:
- Super strong
- Super fast
- Super smart
- Super obedient
They started out by impregnating 10 women with the altered embryos. For the sake of confidentiality the clones were numbered instead of named, 1-10.
The modifications seemed to work in some of the clones, but it caused some strange side effects in the other ones, not all of them survived childhood.

The first to go was 8. She wasn't told to eat, so she starved.

Then it was 2 and 10. 2 had become dangerously aggressive and attacked 10, who fought back just well enough.

Next went 4 to some disconnect in her nervous system.

Then 1, when she tried to escape after a mental break down.

3 and 5 committed suicide.

The project was terminated after an incident where 9 went missing. In the file there was what seemed to be a transcript from an interview of 6, the terrified clone who witnessed it.
"Dr: Where has 9 gone? Has she told you her plan after she escaped.

6: 9 didn't escape.

Dr: What are you talking about? The whole base has been searched! 9 is nowhere to be found! Where is 9?

6: You aren't listening! 9 didn't escape, 7 killed her!

Dr: What? How? How did she kill her and then get rid of the body?

6: Isn't it obvious Doctor? 7 ate 9."

A child asks his father: ''What is ''oral''?''

He answers: ''Well son, it is something that two people that really like each other do to each others genitals with their mouths so that they achieve orgasm.''

The child: ''Okay... then what's ''written''?''

A woman goes to her psychiatrist

\-"I don't want to get married. I am an educated, independent woman and I am happy by myself. I don't need a husband, but my parents insist me to get married. What should I do?"

The psychiatrist : "You, no doubt, will achieve wonderful things in life. But at some point, some things will not occur as you expected. Some things will go wrong. Sometimes you fail. Sometimes your plans don't work. Sometimes your wishes won't come true. Who will you blame at that moment? Will you blame yourself?"

Woman: "No! Absolutely NOT!"

The psychiatrist : "YES. That's why you need a HUSBAND! "

what did the hat say to the other hat?

"you go on ahead."

I'd like to thank Twitternation, Steve Wozniak, Adam Schefter, @MattGroening and anyone else who helped me achieve this great feat!

Last year I was quite miserable and depressed, so I made it my new year's resolution to turn that around.

Thanks 2016, you helped me achieve my goal and made me depressed and miserable.

Today my mentor told me if I want to achieve great things I'd have to make sacrifices.

Anyone know where to buy live chickens for cheap?

Why couldn't the effective vitamin supplement achieve true happiness?

He was too super fish oil.

Why did the Toucan achieve his goal?

Because Toucan, not Toucannot.

They say it's amazing what we can achieve if we all put our heads together

But if I could put my heads together, I'd never leave my room

why couldn't the snake achieve an erection....

He had E-reptile dysfunction.

What did the Boston Marathon Bomber achieve that Hitler couldn't?

The Marathon Bomber was able to end an entire race.

Why is an achievement in Mathematics greater than an achievement in any of the other sciences?

Because for an achievement in math, you receive Abel whereas for science, you receive Nobel.

My New Year Resolution of 2016

Is to achieve my goals of 2015

Which I had should have done in 2014

And promised in 2013

And planned in 2012

And to remember to write 2017 instead of 2016

Why did the Senator get on Viagara?

He wanted to achieve erection reform.

Just because you're a trash doesn't mean you can't achieve great things

It's called garbage can, not garbage cannot.

In the USSR's School system it was very important not to fall asleep while the teacher was talking

Or you would fail to achieve class consciousness.

From a jumping position a person can achieve 0-60mph in 2.27 seconds.


If only the monkeys would stop smoking tobacco...

They could finally achieve a planet of the vapes movie

How did the potato achieve Nirvana?

By becoming a meditater.

"A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others." ― Ayn Rand

Obviously He's never been a cotton plantation slave owner.

Of all the people in my life that have inspired me to achieve greatness...

I would say the most inspirational was an obese man I saw cliff jump into the sea.

He had a massive impact.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes