Accused Jokes

Following is our collection of defendant humor and assault one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Accused puns for adults, dirty misconduct jokes or clean accuse gags for kids.

There is an abundance of prosecutor jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 76 funniest jokes on accused. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any technicality witze you can hear about accused.

The Best jokes about Accused

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

My girlfriend accused me of cheating

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I️ said, No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine

My professor accused me of plagiarism

His words, not mine.

My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives.

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.

The plot thickens.

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

My wife just accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left!!

My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.

My teacher accused me of plagiarising my paper.

His words. Not mine.

My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.

I just don't understand why she feels that way.

3 men are in a Soviet Prison

They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'

It's a good thing they shut down production of House of Cards

It's be too unrealistic to have someone playing the US president who has been accused of sexual misconduct.

I accused my friend of pouring glue on my weapons.

He denied it but I'm sticking to my guns.

A woman is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars

The Judge asked "First time offender?"

She replied, "No, first time a Gibson, then a Fender."

Judge going through the file of an accused

Judge: So what's your Name?
Accused: Mr. Fallchurges, your Honor. First name is Freo.
Judge: So you're Freo Fallchurges.
Accused: *standing up* Thank you, Your Honor.
Attorney: Heck, we almost got him this time

How did the train conductor use the insanity defense when she was accused of murder?

She claimed she had locomotives.

(I'm sorry.)

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

My girlfriend has accused me of stalking her.

Well, technically she's not my girlfriend yet.

My friend hasn't spoken to me since I accused him of stealing some wooden panels.

I think he took a fence.

California Condor

A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to eat and I looked up and saw this big bird over head so I shot it down and fed my family with it." The judge said, "That is a tough story. I am sorry for your situation and I will certainly take it into consideration when I sentence you, but by the way, I am a little curious as to what it tastes like." The man replied, "It's really not bad. Kind of a mix between a spotted owl and a baby seal."

Peter Dinkalage has been accused of sexual harassment.

He allegedly told the woman that her hair smelled nice.

My girlfriend just got mad and accused me of stalking her.

Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.

One of my neighbours has stopped talking to me after I accused him of stealing from my back garden...

...I think he took a fence.

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.

"Bullshit!" I said. "I didn't even know it was your birthday."

My next-door neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear from her washing line.

I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants.

My neighbour wrongly accused me of property theft.

I didn't take a fence.

My wife accused me of fogging up our bathroom mirror

But I really can't see myself doing that.

The FBI Arrested me Once for Masturbating on a Airplane Toilet

They accused me of High Jacking

I was accused of illegally downloading the entirety of Wikipedia

I told them I could explain everything

My boss accused me of benefit fraud

so I threw my crutches to the ground and walked out

My girlfriend just accused me of being a transvestite

I was absolutely furious, so I packed her things and left

A broke man goes to a famous lawyer...

"I have no money but I can give you an original Picasso drawing"

"That sounds good! What are you accused of?"

"stealing a Picasso drawing."

My wife is an equestrian and she uses the money she earns to pay for me to go to University and study Philosophy. One night she asked me to help out around the stable and I told her I would but only after I finished my readings.

She accused me of putting Descartes before the horse.

The Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Tom, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Tom and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Tom, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Tom quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night.

Did you hear about the guy who is accused of attacking people with acid?

I think that these accusations are baseless.

The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material

My boss accused me of installing a hidden camera in the woman's toilet.

"How do you know it was me, it could be anyone!", I told him.

"I saw you from MY camera!", he replied.

What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was falesly accused of a crime?

"I'm in a cent"

[NSFW] Russian cam models are currently being investigated.

They're accused of meddling in U.S. erections.

My wife accused me of showing favouritism towards one of our kids...

It's not true; I love Emma and Not Emma equally!

My girlfriend accused me of cheating

First it was my wife and now her...

Three Russian prisoners sit in neighboring cells in the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."

Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"

"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."

A pianist is currently on trial.

He was accused of fingering A Minor.

I got accused of date rape once in college, but that's ridiculous.

It wasn't a date.

Making Sense of What's Happening in Europe

A policeman enters an interrogation room, in Athens, Greece.

He tells the perp: "You are accused of robbing the Bank of Greece, tell us where the money is!"

The perp reaches into his pocket and takes out a five-euro note.

"Here you go."

A psychologist tells the troubled man:

tell me about your childhood.
man: it was a horrible time doc, I used to have a twin and everyone accused me for all the troubles he made.
psychologist: what did you do about it?
man: i had my revenge last week..
psychologist: how?
man: I died and they buried him instead.

Some translated jokes

A man is accused of killing his mother in law and he is in court. The judge asks why he killed her. The man says "I didn't kill her. She died because she ate a poisonous apple." "Then why are her eyes black?" asks the judge. "She said she won't eat it."


Another man is accused of killing his friend by stabbing him 48 times. In court the judge asks why he killed his friend. The man says "I did not kill him Your Honor. I was peeling potatoes at home when my friend came to visit me. I dropped the knife when I tried to get up to greet him, but unfortunately he slipped and fell on the knife by his chest 48 times."


An officer becomes a platoon leader. He lined up his troops and holding a paper with the names of the soldiers he called their names to see who is who. He calls "John" and a soldier goes "Here!". "Smith", "Here!". And as he progressed down the list calling their names one name came up. Not thinking much the officer calls "Cat" and a soldier goes "Here!". Funny name, he thinks to himself and sees the next name. Confused the officer calls "Get your foot off the fence." and a soldier goes "Here!" After a few odd and strange names the officer says "You people have some strange names." and a soldier goes "Here!"

What do you call a wrongly accused art thief?


Open and Shut

A man's wife disappears and he's accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client's wife actually alive, but she'll walk through that door in ten seconds."

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but nothing happens.

Think about that, the lawyer says. The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.

He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty.

Guilty? says the lawyer. How can that be? You were all watching the door!

Most of us were watching the door, says the foreman. But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching the door.

Russian prisoners

Three guys find themselves in the same cell in a Soviet prison. They ask each other what their crimes were.

The first guy says that he used to report 15 minutes late to work everyday. He was charged with laziness and thrown in jail.

The second guy says that he used to report 15 minutes early to work everyday. He was accused of being a spy and thrown in jail.

They look at the third guy who says, "I used to arrive exactly on time at work every day."

"What sort of a crime is that?" the other two ask.

"I was accused of owning an American watch."

A feminist got drunk at lunch, accused her boss of coming on to her, and slapped him in the face.

She got loaded, triggered, and fired.

It feels like everyone and their mother is being accused of sexual assult.

My mother has been taking it real hard recently.

A Man named McMurphy is accused of robbing a bank...

On the last day of his trial, the foreman of the jury stands up.

"Have you reached a verdict?" asked the judge.

"We have your honor..." replied the foreman. "Not guilty!"

"Excellent!" shouted McMurphy "Does that mean i get to keep the money?"

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I said that was impossible..

Because that would require 2 women to find me attractive.

You hear about the guy who was accused of jerking off with hand soap for his erectile disfunction?

Well, he finally came clean.

A pastor was accused of sexual misconduct

When interrogated by police, he said "I don't understand, she gave consent...I asked if she'd volunteer for a missionary position and she enthusiastically accepted."

My roomate accused me of stealing her clothes the other day.

I got so scared I nearly shat her pants

My girlfriend's accused me of cheating with a girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

How can she say that?!?!

I've been accused of objectifying women

public class Woman extends Person {

Morgan Freeman has been accused of sexual abuse.

He can't play God anymore. Just a priest.

My wife accused me of being addicted to drinking brake fluid.

I said I can stop any time I want.

My wife accused me of acting like a flamingo

So I had to put my foot down...

In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library.

Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library.

-Conan Monologue June 12, 2014

Why did the police drop the charges against the man accused of being an olive branch?

Because the charges wooden stick.

My humblest apologies.
* The case! Drop the case! Ah fuckit.

Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?

A: the defendant

Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)

For the young and/or foreign:

Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopediaβ€Ž
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act defined as punishable under criminal law.

If i had a dollar for each corrupt politician

I would be accused of unjust enrichment

A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes.

She snorted half a gran.

A woman stood in court accused of attacking her musician husband with his own guitars.

The judge looked down from his elevated position and asked "First Offender?"

The accused replied "No your honour, first a Gibson then a Fender".

Wife is on trial for killing her husband...

She's accused of killing her husband with his guitar collection.

Judge: First offender?

Wife: No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.

Tennessee man accused of dipping testicles in customers salsa.

I'm sure Jerry Lee Lewis wrote a song about that.

If you lost your erection every time a game developer got accused of workplace harassment


A mobster killed an Irishman with a porcelain doll

He was accused of knick-knack paddy whack

What did the cat say when it was wrongfully accused of a crime and sent behind bars?

"Let Meowt!!!!"

A woman was accused of attacking her husband

A woman was accused of attacking her husband with several guitars. When she got in front of the judge he asked, "first offender?"
She replied, "No. First a Gibson, second a Fender."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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