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Accused Jokes

114 accused jokes and hilarious accused puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about accused that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Accused Short Jokes

Short accused jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The accused humour may include short accusations jokes also.

  1. My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
  2. My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
  3. My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
  4. My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I️ said, No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine
  5. My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives. I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
  6. My wife accused me of achieving nothing... So I told her "well I won the Leslie Neilsen award at school."
    "What's that?" she said
    "It's a big building with kids in it"
  7. My wife accuses me of favoritism over my children, which is not true. I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
  8. My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible I didn't even know it was her birthday!
  9. People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine
  10. My wife just accused me of having zero empathy. I just don't understand why she feels that way.

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Accused One Liners

Which accused one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with accused? I can suggest the ones about convicted and guilty.

  1. My girlfriend accused me of cheating I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
  2. My roommate accused me of not respecting his boundaries.. Totally ruined our bath.
  3. My professor accused me of plagiarism His words, not mine.
  4. I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it. The plot thickens.
  5. My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
  6. My teacher accused me of plagiarising my paper. His words. Not mine.
  7. My girlfriend accused me of cheating She's starting to sound like my wife
  8. Why did 6 accuse 7 of eating 9? 7 was the prime suspect.
  9. I was accused of being a plagiarist... I guess I'll take his word for it.
  10. My neighbour wrongly accused me of property theft. I didn't take a fence.
  11. My boss accused me of benefit fraud so I threw my crutches to the ground and walked out
  12. I was in court accused of stealing blankets. I pleaded 'not quilty'.
  13. I was falsely accused of throwing batteries at people All charges were dropped
  14. What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was falesly accused of a crime? "I'm in a cent"
  15. My girlfriend accused me of cheating First it was my wife and now her...

Accused joke, My girlfriend accused me of cheating

Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Accused Jokes and Friends

What funny jokes about accused you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean allegedly jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make accused pranks.

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of s**... assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been f**... them for decades.
Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this a**.... Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"
The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

I've been accused of objectifying women

public class Woman extends Person {

3 men are in a Soviet Prison

They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'

A psychologist tells the troubled man:

tell me about your childhood.
man: it was a horrible time doc, I used to have a twin and everyone accused me for all the troubles he made.
psychologist: what did you do about it?
man: i had my revenge last week..
psychologist: how?
man: I died and they buried him instead.

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.

"b**...!" I said. "I didn't even know it was your birthday."

Making Sense of What's Happening in Europe

A policeman enters an interrogation room, in Athens, Greece.
He tells the perp: "You are accused of robbing the Bank of Greece, tell us where the money is!"
The perp reaches into his pocket and takes out a five-euro note.
"Here you go."

Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?

A: the defendant
Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)
For the young and/or foreign:
Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defendant‎
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act defined as punishable under criminal law.

I got accused of date r**... once in college, but that's ridiculous.

It wasn't a date.

In Florida, a couple has been accused of making m**... in a public library.

Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library.
-Conan Monologue June 12, 2014

The FBI Arrested me Once for m**... on a Airplane Toilet

They accused me of High Jacking

Why did the police drop the charges against the man accused of being an olive branch?

Because the charges wooden stick.



My humblest apologies.
* The case! Drop the case! Ah f**....

You hear about the guy who was accused of jerking off with hand soap for his erectile disfunction?

Well, he finally came clean.

What do you call a wrongly accused art thief?

Framed

I was accused of illegally downloading the entirety of Wikipedia

I told them I could explain everything

My wife just accused me of being a t**....

So I packed her things and left!!

My girlfriend has accused me of stalking her.

Well, technically she's not my girlfriend yet.

A woman is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitar

The Judge asked "First time offender?"
She replied, "No, first time a Gibson, then a Fender."

My girlfriend's accused me of cheating with a girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

How can she say that?!?!

My friend hasn't spoken to me since I accused him of stealing some wooden panels.

I think he took a fence.

My girlfriend just got mad and accused me of stalking her.

Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.

My wife accused me of fogging up our bathroom mirror

But I really can't see myself doing that.

My girlfriend just accused me of being a t**...

I was absolutely furious, so I packed her things and left

A feminist got drunk at lunch, accused her boss of coming on to her, and slapped him in the face.

She got loaded, triggered, and fired.

My wife accused me of being addicted to drinking brake fluid.

I said I can stop any time I want.

A pianist is currently on trial.

He was accused of f**... A Minor.

A Man named McMurphy is accused of robbing a bank...

On the last day of his trial, the foreman of the jury stands up.
"Have you reached a verdict?" asked the judge.
"We have your honor..." replied the foreman. "Not guilty!"
"Excellent!" shouted McMurphy "Does that mean i get to keep the money?"

One of my neighbours has stopped talking to me after I accused him of stealing from my back garden...

...I think he took a fence.

My wife accused me of showing favouritism towards one of our kids...

It's not true; I love Emma and Not Emma equally!

How did the train conductor use the insanity defense when she was accused of m**...?

She claimed she had locomotives.
(I'm sorry.)

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I said that was impossible..

Because that would require 2 women to find me attractive.

If i had a dollar for each corrupt politician

I would be accused of unjust enrichment

A broke man goes to a famous lawyer...

"I have no money but I can give you an original picasso drawing"
"That sounds good! What are you accused of?"
"stealing a Picasso drawing."

The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material

It's a good thing they shut down production of House of Cards

It's be too unrealistic to have someone playing the US president who has been accused of s**... misconduct.

It feels like everyone and their mother is being accused of s**... assult.

My mother has been taking it real hard recently.

Peter Dinkalage has been accused of s**... harassment.

He allegedly told the woman that her hair smelled nice.

My roomate accused me of stealing her clothes the other day.

I got so scared I nearly s**... her pants

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honour."
"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.
"Do you accept payment in gold?"

My boss accused me of installing a hidden camera in the woman's toilet.

"How do you know it was me, it could be anyone!", I told him.
"I saw you from MY camera!", he replied.

Did you hear about the guy who is accused of attacking people with acid?

I think that these accusations are baseless.

My wife is an equestrian and she uses the money she earns to pay for me to go to University and study Philosophy. One night she asked me to help out around the stable and I told her I would but only after I finished my readings.

She accused me of putting Descartes before the horse.

I accused my friend of pouring glue on my weapons.

He denied it but I'm sticking to my guns.

Morgan Freeman has been accused of s**... a**....

He can't play God anymore. Just a priest.

My next-door neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear from her washing line.

I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants.

My wife accused me of acting like a flamingo

So I had to put my foot down...

A pastor was accused of s**... misconduct

When interrogated by police, he said "I don't understand, she gave consent...I asked if she'd volunteer for a m**... and she enthusiastically accepted."

A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes.

She snorted half a gran.

Judge going through the file of an accused

Judge: So what's your Name?
Accused: Mr. Fallchurges, your Honor. First name is Freo.
Judge: So you're Freo Fallchurges.
Accused: *standing up* Thank you, Your Honor.
Attorney: Heck, we almost got him this time

California Condor

A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to eat and I looked up and saw this big bird over head so I shot it down and fed my family with it." The judge said, "That is a tough story. I am sorry for your situation and I will certainly take it into consideration when I sentence you, but by the way, I am a little curious as to what it tastes like." The man replied, "It's really not bad. Kind of a mix between a spotted owl and a baby seal."

Tennessee man accused of dipping t**... in customers salsa.

I'm sure j**... Lee Lewis wrote a song about that.

What do you say to a painting that has been falsely accused of being a fake?

You've been framed.

A woman is arrested for killing her guitar player husband

She is accused of bashing her husband's head in with his guitars because he never paid any attention to her.
In her first court appearance, the judge looks at the woman and asks: First offender?"
The woman replies: No. First it was a Gretsch, followed by a Gibson, and then a Fender."

How much English can you speak

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

My wife just accused me of having zero sense of empathy.

I have no idea how she can feel that way.

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."

Judge: Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court.

Accused: Hahahah
Judge: I wasn't talking to you!

During the trial, he was accused of being a cannibal, but he knew he was an innocent man.

After all, you are what you eat.

My wife just accused me of being lazy.

I didn't do anything.

Three Men were in a Soviet Prison.

One man asked another, "What are you in here for?"
The other man replied, "I was arrested for being late. They accused me of wanting to delay the victory of the Proletariat."
Another man chimed in, "I was arrested for being early. They accused me of wanting to be favored over my fellow workers."
They both asked the first man what he was in for.
He replied, "I was arrested for being on time. They accused me of having a western timepiece."

A guy goes to Court because he thinks that his neighbor stole the fence surrounding his yard

Guy: This man has stolen the fence surrounding my house, which was contained in my property
Judge: understood. Do you, the accused have a defense?
Neighbor: yes.
Judge: **Guilty**

My girlfriend just accused me of being too childish, walked out, and slammed the door. It was pretty brave of her...

...considering the floor was lava.

Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.

Unfortunately, they didn't catch on at that time since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.

My date accused me of lying on my Tinder profile, but what I wrote was absolutely true.

I DO have the body of an Olympic athlete. It's buried in the backyard.

I accused my wife of putting glue on my p**... collection.

She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Accused joke, A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

jokes about accused