Accused Jokes
113 accused jokes and hilarious accused puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about accused that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Accused Short Jokes
Short accused jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The accused humour may include short accusations jokes also.
- My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
- My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
- My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
- My wife accused me of achieving nothing... So I told her "well I won the Leslie Neilsen award at school."
"What's that?" she said
"It's a big building with kids in it" - My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible I didn't even know it was her birthday!
- People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine
- My wife just accused me of having zero empathy. I just don't understand why she feels that way.
- I have a friend that accuses me of pushing him around and talking behind his back He is in a wheelchair and we get along quite well.
- I accused my friend of pouring glue on my weapons. He denied it but I'm sticking to my guns.
- My girlfriend just accused me of being too childish, walked out, and slammed the door. It was pretty brave of her... ...considering the floor was lava.
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Accused One Liners
Which accused one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with accused? I can suggest the ones about convicted and guilty.
- My girlfriend accused me of cheating I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
- My roommate accused me of not respecting his boundaries.. Totally ruined our bath.
- My professor accused me of plagiarism His words, not mine.
- I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it. The plot thickens.
- My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
- Why did 6 accuse 7 of eating 9? 7 was the prime suspect.
- I was accused of being a plagiarist... I guess I'll take his word for it.
- My neighbour wrongly accused me of property theft. I didn't take a fence.
- My boss accused me of benefit fraud so I threw my crutches to the ground and walked out
- I was in court accused of stealing blankets. I pleaded 'not quilty'.
- I was falsely accused of throwing batteries at people All charges were dropped
- What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was falesly accused of a crime? "I'm in a cent"
- My girlfriend accused me of cheating First it was my wife and now her...
- So A Cop Was Accused Of Being Racist. He said I can't be racist, my wife's eye is black.
- What do you call a wrongly accused art thief? Framed
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Accused Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about accused you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean allegedly jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make accused pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two pilots were accused of s**... harassment.
HR said a female pilot complained about the way they were joking and saying cockpit during the flight. Looking relieved they both got up to leave. HR quickly asks where there going when one pilots says "we don't have a problem, we'll apologize, and we'll never use the term cockpit again. That was totally insensitive of us. From here on out we'll just call it a sky box."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of s**... assault
After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been f**... them for decades.
Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this a**.... Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.
A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.
The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"
The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."
I've been accused of objectifying women
public class Woman extends Person {
3 men are in a Soviet Prison
They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'
A psychologist tells the troubled man:
tell me about your childhood.
man: it was a horrible time doc, I used to have a twin and everyone accused me for all the troubles he made.
psychologist: what did you do about it?
man: i had my revenge last week..
psychologist: how?
man: I died and they buried him instead.
Making Sense of What's Happening in Europe
A policeman enters an interrogation room, in Athens, Greece.
He tells the perp: "You are accused of robbing the Bank of Greece, tell us where the money is!"
The perp reaches into his pocket and takes out a five-euro note.
"Here you go."
Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?
A: the defendant
Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)
For the young and/or foreign:
Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defendant
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act defined as punishable under criminal law.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got accused of date r**... once in college, but that's ridiculous.
It wasn't a date.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In Florida, a couple has been accused of making m**... in a public library.
Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library.
-Conan Monologue June 12, 2014
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The FBI Arrested me Once for m**... on a Airplane Toilet
They accused me of High Jacking
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the police drop the charges against the man accused of being an olive branch?
Because the charges wooden stick.
My humblest apologies.
* The case! Drop the case! Ah f**....
You hear about the guy who was accused of jerking off with hand soap for his erectile disfunction?
Well, he finally came clean.
Developer accused of unreadable code refuses to comment
My girlfriend accused me of cheating with my imaginary friend...
I told her you have gone completely nuts, I don't even have a girlfriend.
My friend hasn't spoken to me since I accused him of stealing some wooden panels.
I think he took a fence.
What did the cat say when it was wrongfully accused of a crime and sent behind bars?
"Let Meowt!!!!"
My wife accused me of fogging up our bathroom mirror
But I really can't see myself doing that.
Judge: You stand before me accused of being a duvet. How do you plead?
Defendant: Not quilty.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend just accused me of being a t**...
I was absolutely furious, so I packed her things and left
A feminist got drunk at lunch, accused her boss of coming on to her, and slapped him in the face.
She got loaded, triggered, and fired.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pianist is currently on trial.
He was accused of f**... A Minor.
A Man named McMurphy is accused of robbing a bank...
On the last day of his trial, the foreman of the jury stands up.
"Have you reached a verdict?" asked the judge.
"We have your honor..." replied the foreman. "Not guilty!"
"Excellent!" shouted McMurphy "Does that mean i get to keep the money?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A friend of mine was recently accused of having s**... with one of his clients...
As a result, he has been publicly humiliated, and is probably going to be indicted any day. On top of that, a wonderful marriage, not to mention years of schooling and training, wasted for a moment of weakness. It's such a shame, for he was truly a nice guy, and an absolutely gifted mortician.
One of my neighbours has stopped talking to me after I accused him of stealing from my back garden...
...I think he took a fence.
My wife accused me of showing favouritism towards one of our kids...
It's not true; I love Emma and Not Emma equally!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did the train conductor use the insanity defense when she was accused of m**...?
She claimed she had locomotives.
(I'm sorry.)
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I said that was impossible..
Because that would require 2 women to find me attractive.
If i had a dollar for each corrupt politician
I would be accused of unjust enrichment
A broke man goes to a famous lawyer...
"I have no money but I can give you an original picasso drawing"
"That sounds good! What are you accused of?"
"stealing a Picasso drawing."
The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.
Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's a good thing they shut down production of House of Cards
It's be too unrealistic to have someone playing the US president who has been accused of s**... misconduct.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It feels like everyone and their mother is being accused of s**... assult.
My mother has been taking it real hard recently.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Peter Dinkalage has been accused of s**... harassment.
He allegedly told the woman that her hair smelled nice.
Why was the celery arrested?
It was accused of stalking.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
John Travolta has just been accused of s**... assaulting a masseur by groping his buttocks.
Let's just hope this story has a happy ending.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
TIL during the shooting of "Who framed Roger Rabbit?", Porky Pig was accused of s**... harassing Tinkerbell
On contacting Porky Pig, he replied "Th- Th- Th- That's all Hoax!"
An accused criminal is brought before a judge...
The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honour."
"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.
"Do you accept payment in gold?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My blonde girlfriend and I got into an argument because I accused her of being s**.... Eventually she jumped up out of her chair and yelled, Give me one good reason why I shouldn't walk out that door!
I replied, The plane hasn't landed yet.
My boss accused me of installing a hidden camera in the woman's toilet.
"How do you know it was me, it could be anyone!", I told him.
"I saw you from MY camera!", he replied.
People say the #MeToo movement is starting to resemble a witch hunt, but I don't think that's fair...
For one thing, in a real witch hunt, the accused gets a trial first.
Did you hear about the guy who is accused of attacking people with acid?
I think that these accusations are baseless.
My wife is an equestrian and she uses the money she earns to pay for me to go to University and study Philosophy. One night she asked me to help out around the stable and I told her I would but only after I finished my readings.
She accused me of putting Descartes before the horse.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Morgan Freeman has been accused of s**... a**....
He can't play God anymore. Just a priest.
My next-door neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear from her washing line.
I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants.
The attorney tells his client the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is 130."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pastor was accused of s**... misconduct
When interrogated by police, he said "I don't understand, she gave consent...I asked if she'd volunteer for a m**... and she enthusiastically accepted."
A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes.
She snorted half a gran.
Judge going through the file of an accused
Judge: So what's your Name?
Accused: Mr. Fallchurges, your Honor. First name is Freo.
Judge: So you're Freo Fallchurges.
Accused: *standing up* Thank you, Your Honor.
Attorney: Heck, we almost got him this time
California Condor
A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to eat and I looked up and saw this big bird over head so I shot it down and fed my family with it." The judge said, "That is a tough story. I am sorry for your situation and I will certainly take it into consideration when I sentence you, but by the way, I am a little curious as to what it tastes like." The man replied, "It's really not bad. Kind of a mix between a spotted owl and a baby seal."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tennessee man accused of dipping t**... in customers salsa.
I'm sure j**... Lee Lewis wrote a song about that.
When I was in college my roommate accused me of stealing his clothes
I was so worried I nearly pooped his pants
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you lost your e**... every time a game developer got accused of workplace harassment
Ubisoft
My wife accused me of being a racist
Because I freaked out when I found out her boyfriend is Black.
What do you say to a painting that has been falsely accused of being a fake?
You've been framed.
How much English can you speak
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
My wife accused me of cheating when she found a hidden letter...
I should've known better than to hide my X in the closet.
Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."
Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"
Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"
My wife accused me of taking the last donut.
It's true. I just ate the hole thing.
During the trial, he was accused of being a cannibal, but he knew he was an innocent man.
After all, you are what you eat.
My wife just accused me of being lazy.
I didn't do anything.
[In a courtroom] Judge: Did you feel guilty at the time?
Accused: No I didn't, your honour.
Guilty: Yes he did, your honour. That's why I pressed charges against him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy goes to Court because he thinks that his neighbor stole the fence surrounding his yard
Guy: This man has stolen the fence surrounding my house, which was contained in my property
Judge: understood. Do you, the accused have a defense?
Neighbor: yes.
Judge: **Guilty**
Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.
Unfortunately, they didn't catch on at that time since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.
My date accused me of lying on my Tinder profile, but what I wrote was absolutely true.
I DO have the body of an Olympic athlete. It's buried in the backyard.
