Delightful Fun Accurate Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
A man is taking his son to buy his first car...
The son spots an old, used cop car at one of the lots. "Dad! I want that! It would be so cool! Can I test drive the cop car?" The father replies: "No, son. I want your car to have working turn signals and an accurate speedometer."
One day God is walking on Earth and a man approaches him.
Man: "Hey God, isn't 1 million years like a second to you?"
God: "Hm, that's pretty accurate. 1 million years is like a second to me"
Man: "Then 1 million dollars would be like... a penny to you, wouldn't it?"
God: "Yes, a million dollars would be like a penny to me."
Man: "Then, can I have 1 million dollars?"
God: "Sure. Just a sec."
What's the difference between a run-down Greyhound stop and a crabby, decrepit prosititute?
The first is a crusty bus station, whereas the second is an accurate description of your mother.
You can accurately measure a person's intelligence level by giving them a simple prostate exam.
If they let you, they're an idiot.
Who won the first Tour De France?
The 6th Panzer division.
Of course the joke isn't historically accurate. It's a joke, not a fact.
Why is the US so much better at the accurate placement of round objects than Japan?
We had two practices in 1945
They call me the Weatherman when I'm playing basketball
Because I'm never accurate.
jokes And Accurate Graphs About Irritating Everyday Life. The Toilet Paper Graph(#3) Killed me!
The "Personal life" section of my Wikipedia article is actually pretty accurate.
It's non-existent.
What do you call an accurate dog?
Spot-on.
We use a very accurate term to describe our government.
Politics, poly meaning many, and ticks meaning bloodsucking creatures.
You can explore accurate precision reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean accurate inanimate dad jokes. There are also accurate puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What do Wesson and k**... have in common?
Despite it being technically accurate, they'd both prefer you not refer to their products as "r**... oil"
How accurate is the Bible?
100% at short range
I think we should rename the Water Sports in the Rio Olympics
Secret of the Ooze is more accurate
When is the Bible accurate?
When it's thrown from a short distance.
When is the bible accurate?
When thrown from close range
If you say something wrong its best to just keep repeating it.
You may not be accurate, but at least you'll be precise.
If you ever have a few extra minutes on your hand...
If you ever have a few extra minutes on your hand...
I suggest going to get a more accurate watch.
What is a mainstream media award for accurate, fair and even-handed journalism called?
A pink slip.
Doctors have come up with a more scientific and more accurate name for cabin fever...
Stuck Home Syndrome
"Everything on the internet is accurate"
-Abraham Lincoln
It's weird that they call it a baby shower.
A more accurate name would be a supplies party.
I used to watch The West Wing because it seemed like an accurate portrayal of American Politics
Now I watch Veep because it seems like an accurate portrayal of American Politics
The House Problem
A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house; A while later, they watch three people leave the house.
The physicist says, The initial measurement wasn't accurate.
The biologist counters, They must have reproduced.
Finally, the mathematician suggests, If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again.
When I was young, my astrologer said I was born for bigger things in life
Pretty accurate prediction!! I moved from S to M to L to XL to XXL
A man gets mugged.
He goes in for a police sketch.
The police has the picture and asks him if this is accurate.
He says, he looks sketchier than when i saw him
So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...
I wouldn't say that's 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.
Goodbye, boiling water...
you will be mist
**Disclaimer: Not scientifically accurate**
The etymology of the word "politics" is surprisingly accurate.
"poly" meaning "many", and tics meaning "small bloodsucking parasites."
I got my fortune told by someone using herbs. I'm not sure if any of the predictions were accurate.
Only thyme will tell.
A broken clock is right twice a day.
Which makes it more accurate than economists.
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a street cafe watching a house across the street.
They notice two people entering the house and, after a while, three people leaving the house.
"The measurement wasn't accurate!", says the physicist.
"They must have reproduced!", says the biologist.
The mathematician says, "Should one more person enter the house, then it will be empty."
What gets less accurate when you give it more information?
The windows search bar.
What makes bows so accurate?
Arrowdynamics.
An American, Russian and Malaysian are having a conversation
The American says: "We have the best stealth planes ever. We can fly our B-2 stealth bomber over Beijing and the Chinese will never see."
The Russian, not willing to be out done, says "We also have good stealth planes, so stealthy like Khrushchev and very accurate. 100% not bootleg."
The Malaysian said, "I have the best stealth plane. MH370 hasn't been found for 4 years."
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was NOT an accurate depiction of what really happened.
They used different chainsaws.
"It ain't dumb if it works"
is actually pretty accurate when talking about trophy wives.
Why is North Korea so accurate at measuring microscopic distances?
They have a supreme ruler
Two developers are working on a simulation when it suddenly goes haywire before returning to normal
Dev 1: Did you see that? I think the simulation just broke for a second.
Dev 2: I think it's more accurate to say it glitched.
Dev 1: Dude, I'm not about to argue over sim antics.
An emo became a perfect film editor
An emo became a perfect film editor... he made very accurate cuts
My mother in law complained that the thermometer I gave her (which she hung in a very sunny spot) wasn't showing an accurate temperature.
So I told her to stick it where the sun doesn't shine.
Why was astrology invented?
So economics would seem like an accurate science.
The Bayeux Tapestry is not strictly accurate historically.
The whole story has been embroidered. Typically, by the winners. Some say it was a stitch-up!
If santa becomes a women
h**... h**... h**... would finally be accurate.
A Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Physicist...
are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."
The bible is 100% accurate
When thrown at a close range...
I made a meme about communism
But then I realized that to be more accurate it should be called an usus instead of a meme
It would be a massive understatement to say I have a million atoms in my body
It would be much more accurate to say I'm a multi mole-ionaire
What might an ignoramus give as an accurate response to not encountering a sealed glassware container they had purchased from a consumable goods proprietor and believing to have deposited it in a specific location only to be greeted by the dismay that is in fact not within the immediate vicinity?
Jar gone
I was asked to draw tampons throughout the ages but I wonder...
Do they have to be period accurate?
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill overlooking an abandoned house. They watch two people enter the house through a broken window. Time passes. Later they observe three people leave the house.
The physicist says, "Our measurements weren't accurate."
The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."
The mathematician says, "If one more person goes inside, the house will be empty."
A classic joke from Ronald Regan (Not exactly accurate)
There are two Russians in the Soviet Union talking to each other and a curfew is about to be enforced
The two men say goodbye to each other and just as they do a soviet soldier walks over to the both of them and shoots one of the men dead
The other man says Why did you shoot him?
The soldier says I'm his friend I know where he lives he wouldn't have made it home in time
How does one most accurately weigh themselves?
When they aren't full of s**....
Why does China have the most accurate step-counters?
They track your every move
Politics Is the Most Accurate Word In English
It's made up of two other parts.
1 - Poly - meaning many
2 - Ticks - blood s**... insects.
What's the only truly accurate way to determine if someone's been vaxed against Coivd-19?
Ask them who won the election.
The military described the drone strike as "surgical"
This was accurate. It was b**..., it was invasive, and they washed their hands afterwards.
A farmhand loses both his farm and his hand after getting into a fight with his dad over politics...
...would be a really bad but accurate way to describe the plot of Star Wars.
3 of the 5 members of Sum 41 are currently 41 years old
Leaving an opportunity for a more accurate band name: Mode 41.
For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself n**..., because it's the most accurate way of measuring my weight.
If that's true, I still don't get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.
The Bayeux Tapestry is not historically accurate
The whole story has been embroidered.
When a guy describes himself as an alpha, I often think that's a pretty accurate description...
Because after all, alpha is slow, heavy and really bad at penetrating biological material.
