Accurate Jokes

79 accurate jokes and hilarious accurate puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about accurate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Accurate Short Jokes

Short accurate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The accurate humour may include short reliable jokes also.

  1. 39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom Scientists still can't determine how much is needed for your mother though
  2. What's the only truly accurate way to determine if someone's been vaxed against Coivd-19? Ask them who won the election.
  3. Why is North Korea so accurate at measuring microscopic distances? They have a supreme ruler
  4. A farmhand loses both his farm and his hand after getting into a fight with his dad over politics... ...would be a really bad but accurate way to describe the plot of Star Wars.
  5. So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War... I wouldn't say that's 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.
  6. I made a meme about communism But then I realized that to be more accurate it should be called an usus instead of a meme
  7. We use a very accurate term to describe our government. Politics, poly meaning many, and ticks meaning bloodsucking creatures.
  8. Please refrain from calling an expanded gut on a man Dad Bod … It is more accurately defined as a Father Figure.
  9. My mother in law complained that the thermometer I gave her (which she hung in a very sunny spot) wasn't showing an accurate temperature. So I told her to stick it where the sun doesn't shine.
  10. The etymology of the word "politics" is surprisingly accurate. "poly" meaning "many", and tics meaning "small bloodsucking parasites."

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Accurate One Liners

Which accurate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with accurate? I can suggest the ones about exact and realistic.

  1. When is the Bible accurate? When it's thrown from a short distance.
  2. When is the bible accurate? When thrown from close range
  3. The Bayeux Tapestry is not historically accurate The whole story has been embroidered.
  4. The bible is 100% accurate When thrown at a close range...
  5. What makes bows so accurate? Arrowdynamics.
  6. How accurate is the Bible? 100% at short range
  7. A broken clock is right twice a day. Which makes it more accurate than economists.
  8. They call me the Weatherman when I'm playing basketball Because I'm never accurate.
  9. "It ain't dumb if it works" is actually pretty accurate when talking about trophy wives.
  10. Why does China have the most accurate step-counters? They track your every move
  11. What gets less accurate when you give it more information? The windows search bar.
  12. Why was astrology invented? So economics would seem like an accurate science.
  13. "Everything on the internet is accurate" -Abraham Lincoln
  14. The problem with quotes is that they mostly aren't historically accurate - Isaac Newton
  15. Can anyone explain what mysoginistic means please? Preferably a man, to be accurate.

Accurate Prediction Jokes

Here is a list of funny accurate prediction jokes and even better accurate prediction puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I got my fortune told by someone using herbs. I'm not sure if any of the predictions were accurate. Only thyme will tell.
  • When I was young, my astrologer said I was born for bigger things in life Pretty accurate prediction!! I moved from S to M to L to XL to XXL
  • Why can't Jimmy Carter accurately predict a population mean? He has a crisis of confidence.
Accurate joke, Why can't Jimmy Carter accurately predict a population mean?

Delightful Fun Accurate Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about accurate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean precision jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make accurate pranks.

How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. British light fittings use bayonet connectors.
OK, it's not that funny, but at least it's accurately observed.

You aren't a monk.

A man is driving through a town and his car breaks down in front of a monastery. He decides to go up to the door and ask if he can stay the night and the monks let him. At night he is laying in his bed and he hears this extremely strange noise. In the morning he asks a monk what the strange noise was. The monk replied, "I can't tell you because you aren't a monk." The man accepted this fact, graciously thanked the monks for letting him stay, and went on his way. Three years later the man was driving through the same town and broke down in front of the same monastery. Again he asks the monks if he could stay the night, and they let him. And again at night he hears the strange noise. In the morning he asks and gets the same answer. Then he asks how he can become a monk. They reply, "Go count every blade of grass and every pebble in the world." The man comes back 43 years later and gives them accurate numbers. They let him become a monk and the first thing he does is ask to see what the noise was. They take him to a wooden door. He reaches for the handle and its locked. They give him a key, then he happens upon a stone door. Locked. He goes through every kind of door you could possibly think of as they give him keys for each. Then he gets to a diamond door and they give him a key and he unlocks it. Then he opens it and is completely amazed. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

A man is taking his son to buy his first car...

The son spots an old, used cop car at one of the lots. "Dad! I want that! It would be so cool! Can I test drive the cop car?" The father replies: "No, son. I want your car to have working turn signals and an accurate speedometer."

One day God is walking on Earth and a man approaches him.

Man: "Hey God, isn't 1 million years like a second to you?"
God: "Hm, that's pretty accurate. 1 million years is like a second to me"
Man: "Then 1 million dollars would be like... a penny to you, wouldn't it?"
God: "Yes, a million dollars would be like a penny to me."
Man: "Then, can I have 1 million dollars?"
God: "Sure. Just a sec."

What's the difference between a run-down greyhound stop and a crabby, decrepit prosititute?

The first is a crusty bus station, whereas the second is an accurate description of your mother.

You can accurately measure a person's intelligence level by giving them a simple prostate exam.

If they let you, they're an idiot.

Who won the first Tour De France?

The 6th Panzer division.
Of course the joke isn't historically accurate. It's a joke, not a fact.

The "Personal life" section of my Wikipedia article is actually pretty accurate.

It's non-existent.

If you ever have a few extra minutes on your hand...

If you ever have a few extra minutes on your hand...
I suggest going to get a more accurate watch.

What is a mainstream media award for accurate, fair and even-handed journalism called?

A pink slip.

Doctors have come up with a more scientific and more accurate name for cabin fever...

Stuck Home Syndrome

It's weird that they call it a baby shower.

A more accurate name would be a supplies party.

North Korea's state media is very truthful

They accurately portray United States as a country where half of it is burning and half of it is drowning.

The House Problem

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house; A while later, they watch three people leave the house.
The physicist says, The initial measurement wasn't accurate.
The biologist counters, They must have reproduced.
Finally, the mathematician suggests, If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again.

A man gets mugged.

He goes in for a police sketch.
The police has the picture and asks him if this is accurate.
He says, he looks sketchier than when i saw him

Did you hear about how realistic Call of Duty: WWII is?

Sledgehammer Games rented servers from the 1940s to replicate WWII as accurately as possible

Goodbye, boiling water...

you will be mist
**Disclaimer: Not scientifically accurate**

Do you think a Stegosaurus can accurately guess what era it belongs to?

You bet jurassic-an.

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a street cafe watching a house across the street.

They notice two people entering the house and, after a while, three people leaving the house.
"The measurement wasn't accurate!", says the physicist.
"They must have reproduced!", says the biologist.
The mathematician says, "Should one more person enter the house, then it will be empty."

An American, Russian and Malaysian are having a conversation

The American says: "We have the best stealth planes ever. We can fly our B-2 stealth bomber over Beijing and the Chinese will never see."
The Russian, not willing to be out done, says "We also have good stealth planes, so stealthy like Khrushchev and very accurate. 100% not bootleg."
The Malaysian said, "I have the best stealth plane. MH370 hasn't been found for 4 years."

Two developers are working on a simulation when it suddenly goes haywire before returning to normal

Dev 1: Did you see that? I think the simulation just broke for a second.
Dev 2: I think it's more accurate to say it glitched.
Dev 1: Dude, I'm not about to argue over sim antics.

An emo became a perfect film editor

An emo became a perfect film editor... he made very accurate cuts

The official list of emojis for 2019 has been updated to include a drop of blood, which is meant to symbolize m**.... Although, if tech companies really wanted to accurately portray the suffering caused by periods...

...they should use an emoji of a husband quietly m**... in the bathroom.

A Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Physicist...

are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

How can you estimate the number of dogs in the world accurately?

You can't. You have to do it Ruffly.

What might an ignoramus give as an accurate response to not encountering a sealed glassware container they had purchased from a consumable goods proprietor and believing to have deposited it in a specific location only to be greeted by the dismay that is in fact not within the immediate vicinity?

Jar gone

I was asked to draw tampons throughout the ages but I wonder...

Do they have to be period accurate?

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill overlooking an abandoned house. They watch two people enter the house through a broken window. Time passes. Later they observe three people leave the house.
The physicist says, "Our measurements weren't accurate."
The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."
The mathematician says, "If one more person goes inside, the house will be empty."

A classic joke from Ronald Regan (Not exactly accurate)

There are two Russians in the Soviet Union talking to each other and a curfew is about to be enforced
The two men say goodbye to each other and just as they do a soviet soldier walks over to the both of them and shoots one of the men dead
The other man says Why did you shoot him?
The soldier says I'm his friend I know where he lives he wouldn't have made it home in time

Centuries later, key US government buildings still accurately represent the people inside them

They're mostly old and white.

How does one most accurately weigh themselves?

When they aren't full of s**....

Politics Is the Most Accurate Word In English

It's made up of two other parts.
1 - Poly - meaning many
2 - Ticks - blood s**... insects.

Ashli Babbitt and Kevin Greeson die and go the Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates they see God who tells them he will answer any question. They look at each other and ask, "Who won the 2020 election?"
Exasperated, God responds, "Oh for the love of...! Biden! Biden won the presidency in a free and fair election! There was no grand conspiracy. The machines weren't hacked. The hand recounts were accurate. Just go into Heaven, you're already ticking me off!"
As they walk through the gates Babbitt and Greeson look at each other and say, "this goes up a lot higher than we thought."

The military described the drone strike as "surgical"

This was accurate. It was b**..., it was invasive, and they washed their hands afterwards.

3 of the 5 members of Sum 41 are currently 41 years old

Leaving an opportunity for a more accurate band name: Mode 41.

For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself n**..., because it's the most accurate way of measuring my weight.

If that's true, I still don't get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.

When a guy describes himself as an alpha, I often think that's a pretty accurate description...

Because after all, alpha is slow, heavy and really bad at penetrating biological material.

Accurate joke, When a guy describes himself as an alpha, I often think that's a pretty accurate description...

jokes about accurate