Accountant Jokes

Following is our collection of auditor humor and commis one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Accountant puns for adults, dirty clerk jokes or clean fucking bank account gags for kids.

There is an abundance of mathematician jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 76 funniest jokes on accountant. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any tax accountant witze you can hear about accountant.

The Best jokes about Accountant

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job...

...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."

"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"

"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.

"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"

"That," says the man, "is your first worry."

My grandpa's favorite joke

This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.

At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "

His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."

Did you hear about the guy who got 10 years in jail for using imaginary numbers?

He was an accountant.

Two small boys meet on the first day of school

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead

...a doctor, a lawyer and an accountant, a Brit, a German and an American, a priest, a rabbi, two camels and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"


Ask a lawyer what 2 + 2 is...

Ask a lawyer what 2+2 is he'll say 5

Ask an engineer and he'll say 4

Ask an accountant and he'll look right back at you and say "what do you want"

What did the schizophrenic accountant say?

I hear invoices!

Dad's job

(German here)

The teacher asks the children what their dad's are doing for a job. All very exited shouted all different professions;

"Police Office, Fireman, banker, accountant, ..." ... only Hans remained quiet.

So, the teach asks "Hans, what is you dad doing as a job?"

"Oh, he's dancing naked at a gay club and sometimes man pay him more money and they go to a motel together".

"Is that true, Hans?" The teacher asks shocked.

"No, he's playing football (soccer) for the German national team but that would have been too embarrassing.

I was thinking about going into business and opening my own distillery...

But my accountant thinks that's a whiskey investment.

Laziness is the engine of progress.

The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question Why? , she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.

An engineer, a lawyer and an accountant are at a job interview

The interviewer asked, what's 1 + 1.

The engineer draws up a plan and does some measurements and says. It appears that 1 + 1 is 2 .

The lawyer takes out his law book, checks all the rules then says according to the law, 1 + 1 is 2 .

The accountant takes out his book and calculator. Does a few calculations then whispers to the interviewer, What do you want the number to be?


Three women are going back to visit the Catholic school that they grew up in, and they find the nun who taught them as children.

"So what have you young ladies been doing with your lives?" the nun asks.

The first woman responds, "Well, I've become an engineer, I'm married and I have three kids."

The second woman says, "I've become an accountant, and I'm happily married with two children!"

The third woman slowly responds, "Well... Um, I'm... I'm a prostitute..."

"You're a WHAT???" says the nun, furiously.

"Well... I'm a prostitute."

"Oh, thank God," the nun says, "I thought you said you were a Protestant!"

Workers and Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth man was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.. But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles with three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, ""What can your cat do?" The government worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, bit the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

A small business owner in financial trouble was told by his accountant that he needed to cut staff

The accountant said, "Jack and Susan have the highest salaries, so one of them will have to be laid off."

The owner replied, "Susan is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I'll have to think this over, and maybe discuss it with both of them."


The next morning, the owner waited for his employees to arrive. Susan was the first to come in, so he said to her, "Susan, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do."

Susan replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. "Ask him where the money is," the mobster says.

The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, "What are you talking about?"

The interpreter tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The mobster puts a pistol to the accountant's head. "Ask him again!"

The interpreter signs, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

"Okay, okay!" the accountant signs back. "The money is buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard!"

"What'd he say?" asks the don.

"He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

A father has three sons. One is an accountant, one is an engineer and the other is a lawyer...

The father asks each of his three sons the same question, "what does two plus two equal?"

The accountant son answers, "four point zero zero."

The engineer son answers "somewhere between 3.9999 and 4.0001."

Finally, the father asks his son the lawyer "what does two plus two equal?". The lawyer pulls his father into the other room and closes the door. He then closes the blinds and motions for his father to come into the corner. He whispers, "what do you want it to equal?"

Applying For A Job

There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant. The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way. When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?" They hire the accountant.

Six months

A woman is told by her doctor that she has six months to live.

"Is there anything I can do?" she asks.


"Yes, there is," the doctor replies. "You could marry a tax accountant."


"How will that help my illness?" the woman asks.


"Oh, it won't help your illness," says the doctor, "but it will make that six months seem like an eternity!"

Why was the accountant constipated?

He couldn't budget.


My go-to accounting joke

(Acknowledgement: This joke came from the Drew Carey show. I don't remember specifically which episode. I don't even know why I was watching it.)

The owners of a micro-brewery are sitting around a table having their monthly board meeting.

The accountant stands up and says "So, let's see, this month, we lost ... hmm... hmm... Hey! Does anybody have a black pen?"

The CEO says "I can go buy one."

The accountant replies "Yeah, but then we won't need it anymore."

A teacher asks her primary school students what their father do for a living

"So, Timothy, what does your father do ?"

"My dad is a firefighter !"

"Fantastic ! And you Samantha, what does your father do ?"

" He's an accountant !"

"Wonderful ! And yours, Jimmy ?"

Poor little Jimmy then breaks into tears and wails "my father is dead !"

"Oh, I'm so sorry Jimmy, I didn't know... But did he do before dying ?"

"Well, he was all like : ARGLALRGHALRLALGALHA !"

After many years as an accountant, I was asked to take a personality test.

The results came back negative.

Thanos would make a great accountant

The books would always be balanced.

Why did the accountant go crazy?

He started to hear invoices in his head.

Hear about the constipated accountant?

He worked it out with a pencil.

What to Wear

A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. 'Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.'

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. 'Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.'

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. 'Let me tell you a story,' replied the rabbi. 'A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'

The man protested: 'What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?' The rabbi responded: "'No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed"

Clean English jokes, you must laugh!!!

Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : Let's try this another way. If Igive you two bottles of beer, and twobottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Little Johnny : SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Little Johnny: I've already got one rabbit at home!

Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist responds "63, plus or minus 5%".

The engineer thinks for a moment and responds "63, but for safety, let's call it 70".

The accountant shuts the door, checks over his shoulder, leans in close to the desk, and whispers *"how much do you want it to be?*"

This Halloween I'm going as a slutty accountant

You know, it's the thot that counts

A man goes to an interview for an accountant firm

In this company, you need to be able to calculate fast without calculator

I'll give it a try. Test me

What is 35 x 47?

The man answers quickly 476

That's not even close

Yeah but thats fast

My grandpas joke

A man is hiring for an accounting position, and is conducting interviews for each of the hopefuls. The first accountant walks in and starts to introduce himself.

Accountant1: I'm here for ther job, I'm great at d-

Boss: what's 2+2?

Accountant1: 4

Boss: get out

Sad, disappointed, and a little confused, the accountant slowly leaves the office. Then a new, fresh accountant comes in.

Accountant2: hey I'm here for the-

Boss: what's 2+2?

Accountant2: 4

Boss: get out.

Just as confused as accountant1, number 2 leaves thinking that if the boss is that stupid he doesn't want to work there anyways. On the way out, a new accountant walks into the office.

Accountant3: hi, I'm here for the ne-

Boss: what's 2+2?

Accountant3: anything you want it to be.

Boss: you're hired.

Best All Time Favourite Jokes

A mathematician, statistician and accountant were finalist for a position as VP in a large corporation. The hiring committee asked them all the same last question:
The mathematician was first. "How much is 500 plus 500 ?", they asked
"1000" he replied without hesitation.
"Thank you", they dismissed him.
Next the statistician. "How much is 500 plus 500?"
On the average, 1000 with 95 % confidence replied the statistician
"Thank you", they dismissed him.
Next the accountant."How much is 500 plus 500?"
What would you like it to be? responded the accountant.
They hired the accountant.

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

One. They don't have a sense of humour.

A philosopher, mathematician, and accountant were asked what 1+1=?

The philosopher responded, "The idea of 'sameness' is a human construct, so 1+1=2 in the sense that the objects one is adding together are the same in his or her mind. As a simple example, one cannot add together an apple and a monkey, but one apple plus another certainly equals two apples because they are the same."

 

The mathematician responded, "Well, really for numbers to exist, one must actually assume that 1+1=2, then the entire number line can be constructed. It's an axiom."

 

The accountant gave a wry smile and said, "1+1 eh? Well, what do you want it to equal?"

Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist responds "63, plus or minus 10%".

The engineer thinks for a moment and responds "63, but for safety, let's call it 70".

The accountant shuts the door, checks over his shoulder, leans in close to the desk, and whispers "*how much do you want it to be?*"

Why can't you fight an accountant ?

They'll always out number you!

Why are the best accountants twins from Prague?

Because they always double Czech their work!

How to tell the difference between a bad, a good and an excellent accountant ?

When you ask them "2+2 is ?":

- The bad accountant will say "5"

- The good accountant will say "4"

- The excellent accountant will say "how much do you want?"

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn't Budget

Ironically I'm an Accountant and have Chron's so this is not my problem.

I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
$35,000 - $40,000

So I rang them and said, "The answer is -$5,000"

What do accountants use for birth control?

Their personality.

What kind of insect is good at math?

An account-ant

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

They couldn't budget

Eventually they did work it out with a pencil though.

Wife says to her Accountant husband

Wife: what is inflation?


Husband: Earlier you were 36-24-36. But now you are 48-40-48.
Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before. This is INFLATION

What's a Black Adder?

An African American Accountant.

A physicist, a statistician, and an accountant all apply for the same position...

The interviewers first call in the physicist. "We have only one question," they tell him. "What is 500 plus 500?" The physicist, without hesitation, says "1000."
The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 99.9% confident."
He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way. When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?"
The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?"
They hire the accountant.

A lawyer, a doctor and an accountant

So a lawyer, a doctor and an accountant are in a class. The professor writes 2+2=? On the board and asks all three of them what the answer is.

The lawyer says "well it's four"

The doctor says "if we take away the plus sign we can push both two's together to make twenty two"

And the accountant looks at the question for a while, then says "well what do you want it to be?"

Why do accountants make the best serial killers?

Because they're calculating.

An accountant and an economist are walking through a forest...

They encounter a frog.

"I bet you $100 you won't lick it," says the economist The accountant, daring, licks the frog and receives $100.

They walk further, see another frog.

"Lick this frog, and you get your $100 back!" says the accountant. The economist looks at his friend in the eye, licks the frog and retrieves his $100.

"What was the point of this exercise? We've both done something disgusting, and we're no better off!"

"We have grown the local economy by $200!!!" says the economist.

"Yeah but we owe the government $40 each!"

My nephew wants to be an accountant, so for his birthday, I got him a big bag of receipts

Not to worry if he doesn't like them, I've kept all the presents

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He used a pencil to budget

How did the accountant solve his constipation problem?

The same way he solves all his problems - he worked it out with a pencil.

What do you get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane?

A Boring 747

What does an Alaskan accountant and sociopath have in common?

They're both cold and calculating.

Why do accountants hate pre-tax income?

It's gross.

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?"

asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"

asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?"

asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy

I told my accountant my favorite letter is W

He said his favorite letter is W-2.

Met this Gorgeous Accountant

She told me her name was Jorge. "But isn't that a man's name?" I asked.

"Yes, but it's the THOT that counts"

Paid to worry

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters." "OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?" "You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner. "Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?" "That," says the man, "is your first worry."

An economist, an accountant and a lawyer decided to gamble....

And that's how stock markets came into existence!!!

My ex- girlfriend is an accountant and she cheated on me with her boss to get a raise. She regretted her decision and texted me begging me to take her back.

I responded: "oh look, it's the thot that counts."

Hush, Little Actuary!

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night, he says.

Have you tried counting sheep? asks the doctor.

That's the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.

A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.

Her title: "Nun of Your Business."

Why did no one like the Eskimo accountant?

Because he was cold and calculating.

What did the American accountant say to his British counterpart?

Mind the GAAP.

Why can't accountants get library cards?

They're book-keepers.

Why do accountants make good lovers?

They're great with figures.

a Russian man goes to a job interview

A Russian man that has been recently fired from his accountant job goes to a job interview for a new law firm in Moscow. During the interview the man that has been reading his resume exclaims excited "sir, you have a brilliant record!" and the accountant responds "I now, I wrote it in tin foil paper"

What kind of ant can count?

An account*ant*.

In a new store's front window there was a hiring sign

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!

$35,000 - $40,000

An engineer sees the sign, enters the store and yells:

-There is no need for an accountant! The answer is -$5,000!

Why couldn't the accountant keep his car in working order?

Because it broke down and he couldn't budget.

An accountant at a bank was constipated

Apparently he couldn't budget, but he worked it out with a pencil and paper and it was all good.

Why aren't accountants ever invited to company swim parties?

Their job requires that they point out any shrinkage.

A man goes to see his accountant

A man goes to see his accountant about some help filing his taxes.

The accountant: okay I'll just need some information. What do you do for a living?

The man: I'm a dentist.

A: okay, and are you married?

M: yes, i am!

A: okay, and what does your wife do for a living?

M: well, it's sorta hard to say...

A: okay, but i need this information to proceed. What does she do?

M: She sells seashells down by the seashore!!

Accounting Joke: Why did the accountant cross the road?

Because that's what they did last year.

My accountant is tired from doing too many taxes.

He developed H&R block.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes