The Best 76 Accountant Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Accountant jokes. There are some accountant commis jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these accountant jewish accountant puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Accountant Jokes and Puns
Why did the accountant go crazy?
He started to hear invoices in his head.
Why can't accountants get library cards?
They're book-keepers.
My grandpa's favorite joke
This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.
At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "
His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."
I got fired from my job as an accountant
I misunderstood what they meant by double entry
Two small boys meet on the first day of school
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
Six months
A woman is told by her doctor that she has six months to live.
"Is there anything I can do?" she asks.
"Yes, there is," the doctor replies. "You could marry a tax accountant."
"How will that help my illness?" the woman asks.
"Oh, it won't help your illness," says the doctor, "but it will make that six months seem like an eternity!"
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job...
...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
What kind of insect is good at math?
An account-ant
The owners of a micro-brewery are sitting around a table having their monthly board meeting.
The accountant stands up and says "So, let's see, this month, we lost ... hmm... hmm... Hey! Does anybody have a black pen?"
The CEO says "I can go buy one."
The accountant replies "Yeah, but then we won't need it anymore."
a Rabbi, an accountant, a banker, and a doctor walk into a bar
mitzvah
A lawyer, a doctor and an accountant
So a lawyer, a doctor and an accountant are in a class. The professor writes 2+2=? On the board and asks all three of them what the answer is.
The lawyer says "well it's four"
The doctor says "if we take away the plus sign we can push both two's together to make twenty two"
And the accountant looks at the question for a while, then says "well what do you want it to be?"
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He used a pencil to budget
Why can't you fight an accountant ?
They'll always out number you!
Why are the best accountants twins from Prague?
Because they always double Czech their work!
What kind of ant can count?
An account*ant*.
Why do accountants make the best serial killers?
Because they're calculating.
Accountants are very clever opponents.
They are used to being underestimated.
How to tell the difference between a bad, a good and an excellent accountant ?
When you ask them "2+2 is ?":
- The bad accountant will say "5"
- The good accountant will say "4"
- The excellent accountant will say "how much do you want?"
I told my accountant my favorite letter is W
He said his favorite letter is W-2.
Ask a lawyer what 2 + 2 is...
Ask a lawyer what 2+2 is he'll say 5
Ask an engineer and he'll say 4
Ask an accountant and he'll look right back at you and say "what do you want"
a Russian man goes to a job interview
A Russian man that has been recently fired from his accountant job goes to a job interview for a new law firm in Moscow. During the interview the man that has been reading his resume exclaims excited "sir, you have a brilliant record!" and the accountant responds "I now, I wrote it in tin foil paper"
Why couldn't the accountant keep his car in working order?
Because it broke down and he couldn't budget.
What did the American accountant say to his British counterpart?
Mind the GAAP.
Why did no one like the Eskimo accountant?
Because he was cold and calculating.
Wife says to her Accountant husband
Wife: what is inflation?
Husband: Earlier you were 36-24-36. But now you are 48-40-48.
Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before. This is INFLATION
An economist, an accountant and a lawyer decided to gamble....
And that's how stock markets came into existence!!!
After many years as an accountant, I was asked to take a personality test.
The results came back negative.
In a new store's front window there was a hiring sign
ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
$35,000 - $40,000
An engineer sees the sign, enters the store and yells:
-There is no need for an accountant! The answer is -$5,000!
I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.
ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
$35,000 - $40,000
So I rang them and said, "The answer is -$5,000"
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
What's a Black Adder?
An African American Accountant.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead
...a doctor, a lawyer and an accountant, a Brit, a German and an American, a priest, a rabbi, two camels and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.
Her title: "Nun of Your Business."
This Halloween I'm going as a slutty accountant
You know, it's the thot that counts
Did you hear about the guy who got 10 years in jail for using imaginary numbers?
He was an accountant.
Hush, Little Actuary!
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night, he says.
Have you tried counting sheep? asks the doctor.
That's the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.
A man goes to see his accountant
A man goes to see his accountant about some help filing his taxes.
The accountant: okay I'll just need some information. What do you do for a living?
The man: I'm a dentist.
A: okay, and are you married?
M: yes, i am!
A: okay, and what does your wife do for a living?
M: well, it's sorta hard to say...
A: okay, but i need this information to proceed. What does she do?
M: She sells seashells down by the seashore!!
My nephew wants to be an accountant, so for his birthday, I got him a big bag of receipts
Not to worry if he doesn't like them, I've kept all the presents
An engineer, a lawyer and an accountant are at a job interview
The interviewer asked, what's 1 + 1.
The engineer draws up a plan and does some measurements and says. It appears that 1 + 1 is 2 .
The lawyer takes out his law book, checks all the rules then says according to the law, 1 + 1 is 2 .
The accountant takes out his book and calculator. Does a few calculations then whispers to the interviewer, What do you want the number to be?
Why do accountants hate pre-tax income?
It's gross.
Thanos would make a great accountant
The books would always be balanced.
What does an Alaskan accountant and sociopath have in common?
They're both cold and calculating.
A man goes to an interview for an accountant firm
In this company, you need to be able to calculate fast without calculator
I'll give it a try. Test me
What is 35 x 47?
The man answers quickly 476
That's not even close
Yeah but thats fast
Why aren't accountants ever invited to company swim parties?
Their job requires that they point out any shrinkage.
Laziness is the engine of progress.
The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question Why? , she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.
My accountant is tired from doing too many taxes.
He developed H&R block.
Met this Gorgeous Accountant
She told me her name was Jorge. "But isn't that a man's name?" I asked.
"Yes, but it's the THOT that counts"
My ex- girlfriend is an accountant and she cheated on me with her boss to get a raise. She regretted her decision and texted me begging me to take her back.
I responded: "oh look, it's the thot that counts."
What do you get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane?
A Boring 747
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?"
asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"
asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?"
asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy
A teacher asks her primary school students what their father do for a living
"So, Timothy, what does your father do ?"
"My dad is a firefighter !"
"Fantastic ! And you Samantha, what does your father do ?"
" He's an accountant !"
"Wonderful ! And yours, Jimmy ?"
Poor little Jimmy then breaks into tears and wails "my father is dead !"
"Oh, I'm so sorry Jimmy, I didn't know... But did he do before dying ?"
"Well, he was all like : ARGLALRGHALRLALGALHA !"
What did the schizophrenic accountant say?
I hear invoices!
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They don't have a sense of humour.
I was thinking about going into business and opening my own distillery...
But my accountant thinks that's a whiskey investment.
What do accountants use for birth control?
Their personality.
What did the accountant do to liven up the party?
He went home early.
I was an accountant
I was an accountant from age 22 to 35, when because of office politics, I was sacked for no reason.
What a waste of 15 years.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He worked it out with a pencil
Last christmas I gave my SO a book about a prostitute that turns her life around and becomes an accountant.
It's "The thot that counts"
How does an accountant fix constipation?
Works it out with a pencil
Where do accountants buy all of their clothes?
The GAAP.
Miss Joan asks her 3rd grade students what their parents do for a living
Emily happily raises her hand and say : "Daddy's a mechanic and Mommy is a teacher like you !"
Jason then replies : "Well, my dad is a chef and my mom is her accountant"
And so on, every child answers to their best until it is little Billy's turn, who suddenly bursts into tears.
Miss Joan asks him why he's crying so much and Billy wails : "my papa is dead !"
"Oh, Billy, I'm so sorry... But what did he do before dying ?"
"Well, he was like *arglhblargahrgablar*"
A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.
He asked, "How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor.... not fair!"
The CA friend replied coolly, "Just tell them the right things politely but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning... only once! Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately!"
"Wow! Thanks for the tip, said the doctor."
Next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend, "Consulting charges for Business Development."
I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.
13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
What do you call someone without enough personality to be an accountant?
An auditor
Meatloaf has married an accountant
She will do anything for love but she won't do VAT.
I'm thinking of quitting my job as an accountant
The work is just too taxing.
A mathematician, an accountant and a sound engineer walk into a restaurant, how many seats at the table do they need?
3, they all count
What type of an ant can count?
An accountANT
Accountant and an Aeroplane
What do you get when you cross an accountant and an aeroplane?
A Boreing 747
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budge it, so he had to work it out with a pencil.
During a survey three people of various professions - a mathematician, a sociologist and an accountant - were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The mathematician answered "Four".
The sociologist answered "Assuming that we want the answer that is in accordance with the Western social norms, four."
The accountant asked "And how much do you want it to be?"
Why did the cat have to go to an accountant?
They got caught up in a purramid scheme.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
They couldn't budget
I wouldn't recommend going to the tattooist who used to be an accountant.
He did a number on me.
2 plus 2
A business man asks his doctor what 2 plus 2 is and is told 4. He then asks his lawyer what 2 plus 2 is and gets the same answer 4. Finally he asks his accountant what 2 plus 2 is. The accountant replies 'what do you want it to be',