Account Jokes

Following is our collection of fucking bank account humor and tax accountant one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Account puns for adults, dirty log jokes or clean dropbox gags for kids.

There is an abundance of eharmony jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 80 funniest jokes on account. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any bank witze you can hear about account.

The Best jokes about Account

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.

​

Sincerely,

​

The Internet Provider

Why is everyone criticising EA?

I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.

($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this part of the message before posting it).

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.


I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

Another interview joke

During a job interview, the interviewer asks, I noticed a 6 year gap in your resume. How do you account for this period of time?

The applicant responds, I went to Yale.

Excited, the interviewer says, Yale?!? You're hired!

The applicant replies, Yay! I got a yob!

Man tries to open a bank account

Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."

Did you hear about the monkeys Who shared an Amazon account?

They were prime mates.

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"

The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

My bank account was hacked!!!

The hacker was so disappointed, he started a fundraiser for me.


An american walks into a swiss bank...

The bank is very full so it takes a long time for it to be his turn.

After an hour wait he finally gets to go up to the counter. The woman asks him how she could assist him.


He looks around, making sure he cant be heard and whispers into her ear "I would like to deposit $1 million into a bank account"


The woman looks a bit startled and says out loud "oh dont worry sir! You dont have to whisper, here in Switzerland its no shame to be poor."

I'm really good at managing my credit card.

My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day,

Teach a man to phish and he'll empty an old woman's savings account.

To the person who stole my Microsoft Office Account...

I will find you. You have my word.

Where is the capital of Zimbabwe?

In a Swiss bank account.

I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance

I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid.

Why did Jesus deactivate his Instagram account?

Because he only had 12 followers.

What do you call a group of monkeys who share an Amazon account?

Prime Mates


My friend and I opened a shared bank account for buying weed.

It'll be our joint account.

A rasta man goes to the bank with a 25 kg bag of marijuana...

And hands it over to the bank teller.

Confused, the bank teller asks, "What's this for?"

The rasta replies, "Me here to open a joint account."

A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England

He texts his father,
"Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train"
His father replies;
"Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"

I can't understand why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.

My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account.

They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.

A Rastaman with a bag full of marijuana walks into a bank...

and hands it to a cashier. The angry cashier asks 'Sir, what is this...?' The rasta replies "Wa yah ask foolish question, mi come to open a joint account!!"

What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist?

The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-desined death ray and destroys the world in one blow.

The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead to account for the placebo effect.

I tried to use the password "beefstew" for my iTunes account.

But Siri said it wasn't stroganoff.

Other students come by train

A student to his father:

Dear father,
Berlin is a fantastic city, people are nice and I really like that city. But, I am a bit ashamed to come to school with my golden plated Ferrari whereas professors and other students come by train.
Love,
Your son

Next day, an answer comes:

My dear son,
I transferred 20M€ to your bank account. Please buy your train quickly.
Your loving father.

What letter do pirate's hate the most?

Dear Charter Internet Customer:

Charter Communications ("Charter") has been notified by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, that your Internet account may have been involved in the exchange of unauthorized copies of copyrighted material (e.g., music, movies, or software). We are attaching a copy of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) notice that Charter received from the copyright holder which includes the specific allegation.

How does the Pope make online purchases?

Using his Papal account.

So the Asian guy from the Human Centipede has a Twitter account...

He's not very popular though. He only has two people following him.

I've been a bad girl, she said, I need to be punished.

So I signed her up for a Comcast account.

I have an addiction to having lots of money in my bank account.

Unfortunately, I'm suffering from withdrawals.

After 3 failed marriages, an old woman decides to try an online dating site..

She sets up an account with all her info and says she is looking for "a man who will not beat me, Will not walk all over me, and is great in bed." After 2 weeks no one has replied. Then, one day some one rings the doorbell. The woman gets up and opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs sitting there. He says "Hello, I'm here about your online dating profile." the woman says to him, "well I want a man who won't beat me.." the man says "I have no arms, therefore I can not beat you." the woman says "well I want a man who won't walk all over me." the man replies "I have no legs, so I can't even walk." the woman says "well, I want a man who's great in bed.." the man replies "hey, I rang the doorbell didn't I?

I heard you like reposts, so here's one from 114 years ago.

**TOWN AND COUNTRY**

The young woman who was boarding at the farmhouse expressed to the farmer her anxiety at the savage way in which the cow regarded her.

It must be on account of that red blouse you've got on, miss, answered the farmer.

Dear me! exclaimed the girl. Of course, it's out of fashion; but I had no idea a country cow would notice it.

(From the London Journal, July 2nd, 1904)

I had a nightmare that my TikTok account got banned

For a second, i was really scared that i had TikTok

Three guys meet in class after a superbowl sunday, still super hungover from the night before.

The first guy pipes up and says 'Fuck. i got so drunk last night I blew chunks.' The second guy cuts him off nearly immediately screaming 'oh yeah? I was so drunk I emptied my bank account at the strip club after. I have no money to pay rent now.' The third guy laughs at both of them and said 'that's nothing. I was so wasted last night, I sold my car to a homeless guy for 50 cents.' Finally the first guy cuts them both off. 'You guys don't understand.....Chunks is my girlfriends golden retriever.'

I made fun of the official Minecraft Twitter account

So they blocked me

My Accounting Teacher Told Us This One Today

If your debits and credits don't equal, then your assets in jail.

So I went to the bank to deposit money and the teller asked for my ID.

I said

"Wait, people wanted to put money in my bank account and you stopped them?!"

I'm so broke, I went to check my account balance at the ATM...

And it printed me out a coupon for Ramen Noodles

My bank account is huge.

It has lots of space for the money I don't have.

Chinese man in a London bank

A Chinese man living in London went to the bank and asked the banker, "Why I have less money in my account than yesterday?" The banker replied, "Fluctuations." The Chinese man said, "Oh yeah? Well fluck you Blitish too!"

The girl I had a crush on asked me to make an account on tik tok and follow her.

My country banned Tik tok the very next day.

Someone stole my Microsoft Office account

Whoever it was, I'll make you pay
You have my Word.

An elderly man was lying on his death bed

and in his bank account had 300,000 dollars. Being a man that didn't trust wills and didn't want the government to get their hands on the money, he decides to call over his three most trusted people. He calls over his priest, his lawyer, and his doctor and gives them each 100,000 dollars. He then informs them that he wishes to be buried with his wealth and at the funeral they should each drop the 100,000 into his coffin. After the burial the priest announces that he must confess he donated some of the money to the orphanage. The doctor chimes in and says he has to admit that he bought a new MRI machine for the hospital. "I felt guilty but it will save many lives" he proclaims. The lawyer takes a step back and looks at both of them with disdain. "Shame on you for dishonoring a dying man's last wish. I'll have you know I enclosed a check for the full 100,000."

To the person who hacked my gmail account

What's my password?

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

An environmentalist friend of mine told me I should buy organic because it's sustainable

I looked at my bank account, and I really disagree.

An okay-looking guy was using a fake online-dating account...

After a few weeks of looking, a girl finally agrees to go grab a coffee with him.

She says she will wear something Yellow, he says he will wear something Green.

At a relatively empty coffee shop, the guy shows up wearing Red instead.

After a few minutes of waiting, an ugly girl shows up wearing something Yellow.

Seeing that an okay-looking guy in Red is sitting alone, she comes up to him and asks him, "Hi, by any chance are you the guy from the online-dating website?"

The guy responds, "No I'm not! Does it look like I'm wearing Green??"

Why was the accountant constipated?

He couldn't budget.

I was offered $5,000 to sell my account to an advertisement firm

It was a tempting offer, but in the end I had to decline. My morals are strong and intentions are good, just like the wonderful people at Nestle.

A married couple is driving...

down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him. "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing, but slowly turns up to speed to 60 mph.

"I don't want you to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

70 mph.

"I want the house as well."

75 mph.

"I want the kids."

80 mph.

"And I want the bank account and all the credit cards."

85 mph.

"You're taking this incredibly calmly," she said. "Isn't there anything you want?"

"I've got all I need."

"What's that?"

"The airbag."

Pinnochio has a big frown on his face...

Pinocchio has a big frown on his face and Gepetto asks him what's wrong. Pinocchio tell him that his girlfriend has stopped having sex with him on account of the splinters she keeps getting. Gepetto thinks about this for a little while and comes up with an idea. He hands Pinocchio a sheet of sandpaper and tells him that he can use it to get rid of splinters.

The next day, Pinocchio walks in with a huge smile on his face.

Gepetto notices and asks "Did your girlfriend like the new, smoother you?"

Pinocchio responds "Who needs a girlfriend?"

My wife woke me up all excited this morning...

She said honey look at all the pounds I've lost. I told her that she was looking at our retirement account not her fitbit.

I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion...

They agreed, so I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."

"It's a deal!" my wife said, with a smug look on her face.

"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"

Is KFC Twitter account

Veryfried?

A proton walks over to an electron and asks, "Hey electron, why are you always so negative?"

The electron turns around, stares at him deeply for a brief moment, and responds, "My parents died in a car crash."


___

*Reposting this joke because I originally posted it on the wrong account.*

Why did the accountant go crazy?

He started to hear invoices in his head.

What does sex have in common with a savings account?

You lose interest once you make a withdrawal

How can you tell vampirism is a disease?

On account of the coffin.

After years of saving, I finally have a comma in my bank account!

$ -1,250

My girlfriend is like my Netflix account

I pay for it and all my friends get to use it.

Choose a new password:

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password must contain capital letters.

50FUCKINGboiledpotatoes

Sorry, capital letters must not be consecutive.

IwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, password must not contain punctuation.

NowIamSeriouslyGettingPissedOffIwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAssIfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, you can't change your password to a password that has already been used with this account. Choose a new password :

A man and his wife didn't want their young son Timmy to know they were having a quickie...

...so they told him to go out on the balcony and give them a blow-by-blow account of the neighborhood comings and goings.

so Timmy goes out and begins reciting, "The Johnsons got a new car, there's a police car over at the Shaws' place, Jason Mitchell is sneaking out of his house, and the Ledfords are having sex."

The parents are shocked. "Timmy!" the mom cried, "how on Earth do you know they're having sex?"

Timmy rolls his eyes and replies, "Their kid's out on the balcony too."

The German tax evader in Switzerland

A German wants to bring his untaxed savings to a number account in Switzerland.

He sneaks into the bank, looks around and whispers to the bank assistant:
"Psst! I've got 2 million euros in my suitcase!"

The bank assistant replies in a normal voice:
"Why do you try to be so unsuspicious? Poverty is not a shame in Switzerland."

My wife told me she's leaving me on account of my pasta fetish.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

My friend has Tourettes.

He doesn't have a bank account.
He has a swear jar.

Why did the gymnast's account get sent to collections?

She had an outstanding balance.

I'm so broke..

.. that when my Identiy was stolen today and LifeLock called me and said I now have no money in my bank account.

I was like, "Sweet! I'm no longer in debt"

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

One. They don't have a sense of humour.

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. (NSFW)

During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed abnormally long penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's the family thing, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."

I think someone from Russia is trying to hack my account.

What's accounting?

Something Italians learn in preschool.

At the bank, I told the teller I'd like to open a joint account

She asked "Okay, with whom?"
"With whoever had the most money" I answered

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password must contain capital letters.

50FUCKINGboiledpotatoes

Sorry, capital letters must not be consecutive.

IwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, password must not contain punctuation.

NowIamSeriouslyGettingPissedOffIwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAssIfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, you can't change your password to a password that has already been used with this account. Choose a new password :

A man finds a lamp..

Out of the lamp comes a Genie, the Genie says to the man you know the deal 3 wishes. There's only one catch, whatever you wish for your mother-in-law gets double.

The man thinks a bit on his first wish and says Genie, I want to be handsome. The Genie says waaa-laaa you're a good looking man but, your mother-in-law is now gorgeous.

The man then thinks upon his second wish and says Genie, I want to be rich. The Genie snaps his fingers and says your bank account now has 5 Million dollars in it but, your mother-in-law now has 10 Million.

The Genie then says this is your last wish.

The man thinks long and hard and looks at the Genie and says Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.

Does anyone know how much a blimp is worth?

I was going to google it, but I was worried it wouldn't account for inflation.

How does a mustache support his family in the event of his untimely death?

By investing in a shavings account.

Why did Spiderman open a retirement account?

He wanted to turn his Spidey cents into Spidey dollars.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes