The Best 86 Account Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Account jokes. There are some account tax accountant jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these account dropbox puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Account Jokes and Puns
What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?
Dear Sir or Madam,
Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.
​
Sincerely,
​
The Internet Provider
Why is everyone criticising EA?
I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.
($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this part of the message before posting it).
After 3 failed marriages, an old woman decides to try an online dating site..
She sets up an account with all her info and says she is looking for "a man who will not beat me, Will not walk all over me, and is great in bed." After 2 weeks no one has replied. Then, one day some one rings the doorbell. The woman gets up and opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs sitting there. He says "Hello, I'm here about your online dating profile." the woman says to him, "well I want a man who won't beat me.." the man says "I have no arms, therefore I can not beat you." the woman says "well I want a man who won't walk all over me." the man replies "I have no legs, so I can't even walk." the woman says "well, I want a man who's great in bed.." the man replies "hey, I rang the doorbell didn't I?
Other students come by train
A student to his father:
Dear father,
Berlin is a fantastic city, people are nice and I really like that city. But, I am a bit ashamed to come to school with my golden plated Ferrari whereas professors and other students come by train.
Love,
Your son
Next day, an answer comes:
My dear son,
I transferred 20M€ to your bank account. Please buy your train quickly.
Your loving father.
A rasta man goes to the bank with a 25 kg bag of marijuana...
And hands it over to the bank teller.
Confused, the bank teller asks, "What's this for?"
The rasta replies, "Me here to open a joint account."
If your debits and credits don't equal,
then your assets in jail.
Password reset
A man was was unable to log into his online banking account and he pulled up the online chat support.
"I put in my password and I cannot access my account"
"Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one."
"Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?"
"No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one."
"Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty well?"
"Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 90 days."
"Can I use the old one and just re-register it?"
"No, you must get a new one."
"I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember."
"Sorry, you must get a new one."
"OK, roses."
"Sorry you must use more letters."
"OK, pretty roses"
"No good, you must use at least one numerical character."
"OK, 1 pretty rose"
"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
"OK, 1prettyrose"
"Sorry, you must use additional characters."
"OK, 1fuckingprettyrose"
"Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter."
"OK,1FUCKINGprettyrose"
"Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row."
"OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose"
"Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters."
"OK, 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow"
"Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used"
Chinese man in a London bank
A Chinese man living in London went to the bank and asked the banker, "Why I have less money in my account than yesterday?" The banker replied, "Fluctuations." The Chinese man said, "Oh yeah? Well fluck you Blitish too!"
Three guys meet in class after a superbowl sunday, still super hungover from the night before.
The first guy pipes up and says 'Fuck. i got so drunk last night I blew chunks.' The second guy cuts him off nearly immediately screaming 'oh yeah? I was so drunk I emptied my bank account at the strip club after. I have no money to pay rent now.' The third guy laughs at both of them and said 'that's nothing. I was so wasted last night, I sold my car to a homeless guy for 50 cents.' Finally the first guy cuts them both off. 'You guys don't understand.....Chunks is my girlfriends golden retriever.'
The owners of a micro-brewery are sitting around a table having their monthly board meeting.
The accountant stands up and says "So, let's see, this month, we lost ... hmm... hmm... Hey! Does anybody have a black pen?"
The CEO says "I can go buy one."
The accountant replies "Yeah, but then we won't need it anymore."
Why did Jesus deactivate his Instagram account?
Because he only had 12 followers.
So the Asian guy from the Human Centipede has a Twitter account...
He's not very popular though. He only has two people following him.
A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England
He texts his father,
"Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train"
His father replies;
"Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"
My wife woke me up all excited this morning...
She said honey look at all the pounds I've lost. I told her that she was looking at our retirement account not her fitbit.
What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist?
The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-desined death ray and destroys the world in one blow.
The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead to account for the placebo effect.
An american walks into a swiss bank...
The bank is very full so it takes a long time for it to be his turn.
After an hour wait he finally gets to go up to the counter. The woman asks him how she could assist him.
He looks around, making sure he cant be heard and whispers into her ear "I would like to deposit $1 million into a bank account"
The woman looks a bit startled and says out loud "oh dont worry sir! You dont have to whisper, here in Switzerland its no shame to be poor."
An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags
He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"
The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."
I'm really good at managing my credit card.
My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.
A proton walks over to an electron and asks, "Hey electron, why are you always so negative?"
The electron turns around, stares at him deeply for a brief moment, and responds, "My parents died in a car crash."
___
*Reposting this joke because I originally posted it on the wrong account.*
My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account.
They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day,
Teach a man to phish and he'll empty an old woman's savings account.
My friend and I opened a shared bank account for buying weed.
It'll be our joint account.
What letter do pirate's hate the most?
Dear Charter Internet Customer:
Charter Communications ("Charter") has been notified by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, that your Internet account may have been involved in the exchange of unauthorized copies of copyrighted material (e.g., music, movies, or software). We are attaching a copy of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) notice that Charter received from the copyright holder which includes the specific allegation.
My bank account was hacked!!!
The hacker was so disappointed, he started a fundraiser for me.
A Rastaman with a bag full of marijuana walks into a bank...
and hands it to a cashier. The angry cashier asks 'Sir, what is this...?' The rasta replies "Wa yah ask foolish question, mi come to open a joint account!!"
I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...
... as long as I die on Thursday.
An environmentalist friend of mine told me I should buy organic because it's sustainable
I looked at my bank account, and I really disagree.
I have an addiction to having lots of money in my bank account.
Unfortunately, I'm suffering from withdrawals.
I can't understand why my credit card keeps getting declined
Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.
Man tries to open a bank account
Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."
I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance
I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid.
How does the Pope make online purchases?
Using his Papal account.
I made fun of the official Minecraft Twitter account
So they blocked me
Another interview joke
During a job interview, the interviewer asks, I noticed a 6 year gap in your resume. How do you account for this period of time?
The applicant responds, I went to Yale.
Excited, the interviewer says, Yale?!? You're hired!
The applicant replies, Yay! I got a yob!
Where is the capital of Zimbabwe?
In a Swiss bank account.
I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion...
They agreed, so I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."
"It's a deal!" my wife said, with a smug look on her face.
"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"
What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
To the person who stole my Microsoft Office Account...
I will find you. You have my word.
To the person who hacked my gmail account
What's my password?
I'm so broke, I went to check my account balance at the ATM...
And it printed me out a coupon for Ramen Noodles
I was offered $5,000 to sell my account to an advertisement firm
It was a tempting offer, but in the end I had to decline. My morals are strong and intentions are good, just like the wonderful people at Nestle.
My bank account is huge.
It has lots of space for the money I don't have.
So I went to the bank to deposit money and the teller asked for my ID.
I said
"Wait, people wanted to put money in my bank account and you stopped them?!"
I heard you like reposts, so here's one from 114 years ago.
**TOWN AND COUNTRY**
The young woman who was boarding at the farmhouse expressed to the farmer her anxiety at the savage way in which the cow regarded her.
It must be on account of that red blouse you've got on, miss, answered the farmer.
Dear me! exclaimed the girl. Of course, it's out of fashion; but I had no idea a country cow would notice it.
(From the London Journal, July 2nd, 1904)
I've been a bad girl, she said, I need to be punished.
So I signed her up for a Comcast account.
I tried to use the password "beefstew" for my iTunes account.
But Siri said it wasn't stroganoff.
My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!
It's a joint account
Someone stole my Microsoft Office account
Whoever it was, I'll make you pay
You have my Word.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.
For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
I had a nightmare that my TikTok account got banned
For a second, i was really scared that i had TikTok
Is KFC Twitter account
Veryfried?
The girl I had a crush on asked me to make an account on tik tok and follow her.
My country banned Tik tok the very next day.
To the person who hacked into my account,
I will find you.
Give a Redditor an upvote and he'll be happy for a day.
Suspend a man's Reddit account and he'll be happy for a lifetime.
Today is my first cake day which means
My Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.
If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account
because Jesus saves.
I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.
Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the piss-taking bastards.
Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...
There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:
\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...
The small man:
\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank account is empty, my house is empty! I even got fired from my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so i tried to kill myself. I lay down on the rails - they changed the train route! i tried to hang myself - the rope broke! I tried to shoot myself - the gun broke! And now, i'm buying a beer with my last money, i'm pouring poison inside and you're drinking it!
My ex was just like my Netflix account
Shared by five dudes
At the bank, I told the cashier, " I would like to open a joint account." .
He enquired, " With whom?"
I answered, " With whomsoever has lots of money."
What's the difference between a musician and a savings account?
One eventually matures and starts to make money...
Damn girl you must be a bank account
Because I have zero interest
Mama always said Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Well I did it! Bank balance: 9.11!
My Account is 3 Months and 14 Days Old, So It's Not My Cake Day
It's my Pie Day
Pie Day's over, get out of my house
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
I had a nightmare last night that my Tik Tok account was deleted
It was scary, because for a second I thought I had a Tik Tok account.
A couple is driving on a highway
A couple is driving on a highway when she says, I want a divorce. The man doesn't say anything, except speeds up the car.
I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you. The man doesn't say anything except speeds up to he car.
I want the house, the bank account, kids, and the dog. The man doesn't say anything excepts speeds up the car.
She says, Are you listening to me? Don't you want anything?
The man replies, No, I have everything I need.
Oh? And what's that?
Right before the car rams into a wall, he says, The airbag.
Who wants to buy my account?
It's just under a buck.
I was born 20 minutes before my twin brother
But I set up my Reddit account a month before. So today is all mine fuckface.
I tried having my mother's phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad's name, he'd have to be the one to put in the request.....
The fact that he'd been dead for 40 years didn't sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?
Well, yes, she said reluctantly. But that would ruin his credit.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear Sir or Madam,
Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.
Sincerely,
Your Internet Provider
My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it's doing really well
I just have to figure out how to break the news to her
Nowadays kids have it so easy. When I was their age, I had nothing but $3 in my pocket. So, what did I do?
I bought a house, started a family, and put the remaining 75 cents into a savings account for emergencies.
[ Removed by Reddit ]
[ Removed by reddit on account of violating the [content policy](/help/contentpolicy). ]
What's the difference between my Wife and my Reddit account?
After nine years…..
Reddit still sucks…
My account may have been hacked..
If y'all get an email from me about canned meat-- PLEASE don't open it
It's spam
My account got hacked. If you get a DM about meat from me, don't click on it.
It's spam
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.
Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank."
After a slight hesitation, she put down: "Piggy."
My gf has a OF account and it's doing very well.
I just now have to figure out how to tell her about that.
I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account...
I just walk around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times...
I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.
In New Orleans she was 'Honeychile', the sweetest of the bunch
But on my job's expense account, she's 'gas, motel and lunch'.
where is the capital of the US?
In an offshore account.
What do you call a couple of chimpanzees sharing an Amazon account ?
PRIME-Mates
My wife and I tried to buy weed at a dispensary, but we were told they only take cash or credit cards.
I told the clerk "It's OK. We have a joint checking account."
To the person who hacked my account
I will find you, and I will kill you.