Accomplishment Jokes

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'...

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'.
We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence.
Yes, we've brought the British way of life to them all right.

OB-GYN

My uncle is a very accomplished OB-GYN. He is also incredibly humble, when asked what he does for a living, he casually responds, 'I'm in the c**... industry. '

[LPT] When cleaning a messy room start with your bed, you will have a better sense of accomplishment when you eventually give up and s**... uncontrollably.

Polish Space Program

The polish space program recently revealed to the UN that they were preparing to attempt the first manned space mission to the surface of the sun. When asked how they were going to accomplish this feat they answered, "We are going at night".

Two older gentlemen were talking

One told the other "You know, I had my old lady on her hands and knees, begging " the other night.
His friend replies "How'd you accomplish that?"
He answered "Yeah, she was yelling 'Come out from under the bed and fight like a man!'

A feminist walks into a bar

She walks to the bartender and says, "No, I will not have it, I will not be served by a cisgender white male." A man nearby says, "My god, not another feminazi.", the bartender says, "Hey! Don't compare feminists to n**..., that's not cool.", the feminist says, "Maybe all you cisgenders aren't that bad.", the bartender continues, "Don't compare feminists to n**..., at least n**... accomplished something."

Interviewer: Name one of your accomplishments

Applicant:Well I discovered aliens, outside my house and managed to learn their language.
Interviewer:That seems rather complicated...
Applicant:Well Spanish isn't hard to learn sir.

A Jew, a Catholic and a m**... were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting...

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the m**... replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

What's the difference between a feminist and a s**... vest?

A s**... vest gets something accomplished when triggered.

Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a c**.... Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

So I hear EA has removed all refund options from their website, and now customers have to call them directly. But hey:

"The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment from successfully navigating our automated phone menu."

I'm sick of these people milking the EA conflict for karma!

I hope it at least gives them a sense of pride and accomplishment.

Don't hate Ajit Pai...

... he just wants to give us a sense of pride and accomplishment with our internet bill

Say what you will about Trump's Presidency, but you can't overlook what he has accomplished in terms of healthcare specifically life expectancy...

He managed to turn one year into something that feels like an eternity.

What did the boston marathon b**... accomplish that h**... could not?

They ended a race...

Q: How many members of a cultural, religious or social outgroup does it take to accomplish a routine task?

A: An arbitrary number: One or more to actually perform the task, and the remainder to behave in an absurd fashion consistent with perceived humorous stereotypes!

what has four letters, is a vegetable if you take away the last, an o**... if you take away the first, and gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment if you take away both

pear

When I was younger I used to have these little plastic cut outs for drawing around.

I'd do them all the time, almost compulsively, but there would always be more. I'd spend hours and never run out. Then I realised, I'd never be done, I'd never accomplish anything because there would always be more and long after I stopped or died they'd be there.
Anyway that's the story of my first extra stencil crisis.

r/Jokes is almost at 20 million subscribers!

It's amazing what you can accomplish with just ten jokes!

My mom told me I'd never accomplish anything because I'm such a procrastinator

So I said Just wait!

Three insurance salesmen, Al, Ben, and Carl, are bragging about their accomplishments.

"Last month," says Al, "when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within six hours. The next day, I put a check in the mail for his family."
"That's nothing," says Ben. "Last week, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within 30 minutes. That very day, I personally delivered a check to his family."
"Amateurs," says Carl. "Yesterday, one of my insured was fixing the roof of my office building when he fell off the roof. I handed him his check when he passed my window."

The elder statesman was giving his farewell speech.

"And when I die, bury my head in Central Pennsylvania, for that was where I had my brightest ideas. Bury my hands in Washington, D.C., for that was where I accomplished the most work. Bury my feet on the West Coast, for that was where I ran the hardest."
Just then, a journalist interrupted, "Sir, where should we bury your a**...? Because you've made the whole country a s**...!".

LPT: Follow the given three steps in order to successfully accomplish a m**....

1. Set out a few high-mounted boxes with hole in the front of them.
2. Scatter about several boxes filled with cashews.
3. Be sure to do this in a place crows frequent.

The Enterprise-D had just accomplished a major Starfleet mission, so the crew went to celebrate at Ten Forward. Captain Picard and Chief O'Brien were chosen to give the toasts.

First O'Brien gave his toast; "May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live."
Next Picard gave his toast; "Cinnamon, eggs, bread and maple syrup."
The bartender, Guinan, admired O'Brien's toast, but was absolutely confused by Picard's.
So O'Brien explained, "As you all know, I'm from Ireland, so I gave a traditional Irish toast."
And Picard explained, "And as you all know, I'm from France..."

My new year's resolution for 2023

Is to accomplish the goals of 2022 which I should have done in 2021 because I promised them in 2020 and planned them in 2019