Accidents Jokes

Unrestrained children in the back seat can cause accidents. Unrestrained accidents in the back seat can cause children.

I'm immortal

Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?

"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."

"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."

"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."

Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.

Kind of makes me immortal.

My uncle is an idiot. He saw a commercial that said, "9 out of 10 accidents happen within a mile of your home."

So he up and moved

You must have been born on a highway

because that's where most accidents happen.

We should make all vehicles be driven by Stormtroopers

They never hit anything so there would be no accidents.

Kids in the back of a car cause accidents

But accidents in the back of a car causes kids

Car accidents and dwarves.

A man was texting and driving and generally not paying attention to the road. As he approached the stoplight, he slammed on his breaks a bit too late and collided into the car in front of him. Flustered, he searched for his insurance and waited for the man in the car in front of him to approach him.

He saw the car door in front of him open and out walked a very short, slightly chubby man with long gray hair and a beard to match. The man approached his window with an angry look and exclaimed, "I'm not *happy!*"

Giving him a second look, the man asked, "Then which one are you?"

What does Bob Ross's paintings and an orphanage have in common?

They're both full of happy little accidents

Why do most car accidents happen when men are drunk?

Because their wives are driving.

What do condoms and turn signals have in common?

If people used them, there would be less accidents

A man heard that over 90% of car accidents happen within 15 km of home.

So he moved.

What are the most racist jokes you know?

There were 3 car accidents in Mexico 70 people died.

What do you call a bunch of black people in a swimming pool?
Coco puffs.

A blonde discovered that most accidents happen within 10 blocks from home...

So she moved.

They say kids in the backseat cause accidents...

But accidents in the backseat are more likely to cause kids.

Why does Bob Ross not use a condom?

Because he doesn't make mistakes, only happy little accidents.

I got this hot blondes phone number today!

Im starting to think i should cause car accidents more often.

There are three monsters that live in my house and steal all of my money,

I like to call them, the accidents, but my wife insists on calling them our children.

Accidents Happen

Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids!

Why did a brother tell a sister to go sit in the middle of the highway?

Because that's where accidents belong.

Traffic accidents

A Frenchman and an Englishman are talking at a bar:

Frenchman: "Did you hear, in France they lowered the the amount of alcohol you can drink before driving. But now car accidents have significantly increased"

Englishman: " Wow, how can that be?"

Frenchman: " Well its because if a man drinks wine with a meal at a restaurant, his wife has to drive him home"

A blonde heard that 80% of accidents happen at home.

So she moved.

As a bus driver, I've never gotten into a car accident in all my 20 years of experience.

I have gotten into at least 15 bus accidents though.

Children in the backseat cause accidents.

But accidents in the backseat cause children.

My friends often tell me I was conceived on the highway

because that is where the most accidents happen....

I read that most accidents happen within a few miles of the house... I moved

George Bush is being briefed about world news overnight... his men, 'Mr President, there's been a plane crash in Australia, two Brazilian soldiers have been killed in action, a major bushfire....' George Bush interrupts and says, 'hang on, did you just say two Brazilian soldiers have been killed???!!!'
To which the man replies, 'That's correct Mr President...'
'Oh my... that's absolutely terrible!' says Bush.
The man, looking rather confused says, 'Sir, they've been far worse accidents than this, it's just two Brazilian soldiers...'
President Bush frowns and says, 'Wait... how many in a brazilian?'

My sister asked me if I was born on the highway

She said "that's where most accidents happen anyway"

Bob Ross famously said that "we don't make mistakes, just happy accidents"...

Clearly he never played Tetris.

You have to give Prince Phillip credit for his driving record....

He hasn't been involved in any other accidents since 1997.

Be safety conscious

80% of people are caused by accidents.

The reason women are responsible for more accidents at intersections....

must be because they don't have as much experience pulling out as men do.

(OC I think? Thought it up when a woman pulled out right in front of me today, and then had a stupid "what did I do wrong" look on her face when I honked at her for it.)

Heard this one from WWE.

Were you born on the highway?

No, why?

Because that's where most accidents happen!

Now that women can drive in Saudi Arabia there are going to be more car accidents.

Because there are more drivers.

My dad once told me it's important to always laugh at your mistakes and accidents

He then looked at me and started laughing

In the famous words of Bob Ross: There's no such thing as mistakes, only happy little accidents...

Unless your little accident is diagnosed with chronic depression.

Say what you want about wasps.

But at least they wear high visibility jackets to prevent accidents.

This girl told me she'd date me when pigs fly.

Right now this challenge is on hold the local farmer isn't letting me buy a fourth pig after the other three accidents.

Were you born within 5 miles of your house?

Because most accidents happen close to home!

Drunk driver

One in three car accidents is caused by a drunk driver. It's time to expel those sober lunetics from our roads!

My buddy was lately depressed as he found out that he wasn't planned and his parents didnt really want him, I tried to comfort him and said:

"Dont worry, accidents happen"


Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents
in the dark cause children.

90% of all traffic accidents are due to men. Do you know why?

Because they gave their wife the car key.

As a recent amputee I would like to ask,

who knew that car accidents really DID cost an arm and a leg?

Can you guess where my parents conceived me?

The highway, where most accidents happen.

Insurance shopping

Insurance agent: how many accidents have you had sir?
Dad: 1
Insurance agent: when was that?
...puts phone on hold...
Dad: Son, what is you birthdate again?

Kids in the back seat cause more accidents

And accidents in the back seat cause more kids

I was born on the highway.

Where most accidents happen.

We have collected gags that can be used as Accidents pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Accidents, here are one liners and funny Accidents pick up lines.

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