Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
He was a happy little accident.
When the power went out I was screwed.
"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:
Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.
She's still not talking to me :(
They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.
where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.
"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.
"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.
"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"
Whoops, E-Daisies
My next dump could spell disaster
Luckliy it was only a virus.
Their names aren't even that similar
and found out I have Gary Busey
and now I talk with a strange Axe scent.
He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms."
All involved were rushed to the ICU
Set my house on fire to not look stupid.
I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."ο»Ώ
I think it's maoware.
We get out to exchange information, and I notice the guy is a midget. The first thing he says is, "I'm not happy." To which I replied, "Well which one are you then?"
I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."
I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful mΜΆuΜΆmΜΆ cook."
Mom: Dont worry I'll go tomorrow and solve this problem
Son: Make sure it looks like an accident.
it was hard to grasp.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"
His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident
and my sister hasn't talked to me since.
Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident
Me: Say no more
LATER
Detective: It looks like the killer beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door.
"Ewe gross, I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"
I asked my girlfriend to give me road head and we got into an accident.
I guess next time I should be the one driving.
They will be mist... :'(
Oops, wrong sub.
Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.
"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".
"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.
"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"
I think I dyed a little inside.
He really loved that woman.
I couldn't help thinking,
'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'
They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?
What if you have an accident?
The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.
The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.
FmL
The first two were better.
A man loses his legs in a train accident
and when hes rushed to hospital
the only available transplant are a child's
so he gets the surgery
and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain
the nurse runs up and says
'sir is it your legs'
and the man goes
'no'
'its my kidneys'
So I hired paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car accident.
Not by ancestry, but because I got into a terrible accident in my Jeep and the doctors were unable to remove all the shrapnel.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
It's a good thing I had it on Flight Mode.
The court trial starts tomorrow.
A Jewish man is in a car accident and is laying bleeding on the side of the road. A cop runs up, and rolls him on his back. He looks down on him and says, "the paramedics are coming. Are you comfortable?"
The Jewish guy say, "eh... I make a decent living."
The doctor walked in with the medical bill,
I couldn't stand to look at it.
Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?
"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."
Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.
Kind of makes me immortal.
The steaks have never been higher.
He proceeds to smash into the door of the car, ripping it off. He stops to see another man, in a very expensive suit, jump out of the car and scream at him "you just ripped the door off my lovely Porsche!".
The first man says "You are so materialistic...you didn't even notice that you left arm was ripped off in the accident".
The second man looks down for a second, then screams "my Rolex!"
But I'm beginning to think that Pearl Harbor was an accident.
But then I remembered that it's always going to be okay.
I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization.
When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman.
So I moved.
It was a Wookie mistake
It was my birthday an me and my Dad were driving on the highway when we saw a terrible accident. My Dad said "This is the worst accident I've seen in 20years!"
Well yeah it was my 20th birthday.
An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground.
She's says "oh no, it's bad news isn't it father!"
"Yes, tis" says the priest.
"About my husband?? is he dead, father?" She gasps.
"There was a terrible accident at the brewery, he fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"
"Was it a quick death, father?"
"Truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee"
As he stormed out of his car he banged on my window screaming, "I'm not happy!!"
To which I replied, "Well then which one are you?"
He says, "I got my finger cut off!"
She asks, "The whole finger?"
He replies, "No, the one next to it."
Guy lost his finger in a work accident
His wife was telling her friend about it
The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"
The wife replied "no, the one next to it"
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
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