The Best 71 Accident Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Accident jokes. There are some accident injuries jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these accident car accident puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Accident Jokes and Puns
I'm immortal
Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?
"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."
Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.
Kind of makes me immortal.
I accidently swallowed some scrabble tiles
My next dump could spell disaster
An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident
where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.
"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.
"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.
"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"
A man is driving his car when suddenly the door of a parked car is swung open in front of him.
He proceeds to smash into the door of the car, ripping it off. He stops to see another man, in a very expensive suit, jump out of the car and scream at him "you just ripped the door off my lovely Porsche!".
The first man says "You are so materialistic...you didn't even notice that you left arm was ripped off in the accident".
The second man looks down for a second, then screams "my Rolex!"
I accidentally locked my keys in my car in front of an abortion clinic...
They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.
I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick...
She's still not talking to me :(
I'm not saying that Asians are bad drivers...
But I'm beginning to think that Pearl Harbor was an accident.
A Jewish man is in a car accident.
A Jewish man is in a car accident and is laying bleeding on the side of the road. A cop runs up, and rolls him on his back. He looks down on him and says, "the paramedics are coming. Are you comfortable?"
The Jewish guy say, "eh... I make a decent living."
I accidentally rear ended someone at a stop light while not paying attention..
We get out to exchange information, and I notice the guy is a midget. The first thing he says is, "I'm not happy." To which I replied, "Well which one are you then?"
Fast and Furious [NSFW]
I asked my girlfriend to give me road head and we got into an accident.
I guess next time I should be the one driving.
I accidentally flogged another dominatrix's client.
Oops, wrong sub.
You can explore accident incident reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean accident pileup dad jokes. There are also accident puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I saved 15% on car insurance by switching....
The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident
I accidentally called out my mums name during sex
and my sister hasn't talked to me since.
I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup.
Luckliy it was only a virus.
When I awoke from the accident and they told me my fingers were broken...
it was hard to grasp.
Two Police officers.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:
Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.
An old Hitler joke
Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.
"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".
"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.
"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"
A policeman knocked at my door.....
I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."
I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful mΜΆuΜΆmΜΆ cook."
With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...
Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles...
My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
My grandparents were vaporised in a freak accident
They will be mist... :'(
I accidentally said Hello to a feminist the other day.
The court trial starts tomorrow.
I accidentally dropped my phone from a 20-story building.
It's a good thing I had it on Flight Mode.
Accidentally called 911
Set my house on fire to not look stupid.
I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating
I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door.
"Ewe gross, I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"
I accidently bought a fleshlight instead of a flashlight.
When the power went out I was screwed.
Asians are sooo bad at driving....
I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.
My girlfriend told me she wanted someone who treated her like a princess
So I hired paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car accident.
A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs
A man loses his legs in a train accident
and when hes rushed to hospital
the only available transplant are a child's
so he gets the surgery
and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain
the nurse runs up and says
'sir is it your legs'
and the man goes
'no'
'its my kidneys'
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.
They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?
What if you have an accident?
The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.
The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.
Mom, someone called me gangster at school today.
Mom: Dont worry I'll go tomorrow and solve this problem
Son: Make sure it looks like an accident.
I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet
Whoops, E-Daisies
I named my kid Bob Ross
He was a happy little accident.
I accidentally combined Fahrenheit and milliliters
FmL
I accidentally slept with my third cousin.
The first two were better.
I'm 1/16th Cherokee...
Not by ancestry, but because I got into a terrible accident in my Jeep and the doctors were unable to remove all the shrapnel.
I accidentally referred to my wife as my girlfriend today
Their names aren't even that similar
I accidentally drank the water we used to color eggs for Easter.
I think I dyed a little inside.
After being in an accident that disabled both my legs...
The doctor walked in with the medical bill,
I couldn't stand to look at it.
My girlfriend wanted a favor from me
Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident
Me: Say no more
LATER
Detective: It looks like the killer beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I accidentally let my cows graze in a patch of marijuana, and if anyone finds out I could lose everything.
The steaks have never been higher.
A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident
He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms."
I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD
and found out I have Gary Busey
I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.
I think it's maoware.
An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.
The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."ο»Ώ
"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.
"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.
I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.
I couldn't help thinking,
'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"
His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.
He really loved that woman.
Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.
All involved were rushed to the ICU
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth...
and now I talk with a strange Axe scent.
I accidentally called my wife a 'trophy' the other day...
She shot back, Oh come on, just because you always finish first doesn't mean you win anything!
A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...
Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the Hell is wrong with you?
Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.
Policeman: You could have hit the 2 men!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other one ran towards the wedding party. So I followed him. Β―\\(γ)/Β―
My girlfriend invited me to meet her parents.
Before we went over, she let me know that her father, Dale, was in a car accident and had his legs amputated at the hips. Apparently, it was a sensitive issue, and I was not to mention it.
When we arrived, her dad greeted us at the door. Not seeing his wife anywhere, I said to him, Dale, it's great to meet you. Is your other half in the kitchen?
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk, I have this weird axe scent
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next vowel movement could spell disaster.
I accidentally deleted an audiobook I was listening to
Now I'll never hear the end of it
A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. We're losing him! said a nurse.
Not on my watch! said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.
My wife asked me if I'd ever pissed in the shower. I said 'Yes but both times were an accident.
My Wife responded 'What!? How can you piss in the shower by accident? Twice!?'
And I said 'Well these things happen when you're taking a shit'.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him
To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him
A wealthy woman had lost her right hand and left foot in a car accident.
Her doctor told her that he would have her new prosthetics ready the next day. She sent her servant to go pick them up from the hospital. The servant was a couple hours early. The servant waited on her hand and foot.
I just swallowed a stack of Scrabble tiles by accident.
My next poop could spell disaster!
A terrible accident has just occurred at work.
Our maintenance man lost both his legs.
Now he is just a handyman.
Karen's 911 call
Karen was cleaning Kyle's rifle and shot him by accident. She calls 911.
"It's my husband," said Karen. "I've accidentally shot him... I've killed him," she sobbed.
"Please calm down, ma'am," the 911 operator tried to sooth her. "Can you please make sure he's actually dead?"
\[Click\] BANG!
"Okay, I've done that. What now?"
I accidentally used the dog's shampoo this morning
I feel like a good boy.
In a tragic accident, the circus' human cannonball was killed today.
When asked if he will find a replacement, the Ringmaster responded, "Where will I ever find another man of his caliber?"
There were two Qanon believers who were absolutely convinced that Trump won the 2020 election
They were traveling together and were killed in a traffic accident. When they got to heaven, God met them and told them that he'd reveal anything about Earthly life they'd always wanted to know. They asked him how Biden stole the 2020 election. God looked kindly upon them and said, Biden didn't steal the 2020 election. He won fairly.
The first one looked at the second and said, This goes higher than we thought!
Tragedy at the Guiness brewery
Paddy O Reilly works at the Guiness brewery, one day Mrs O Reilly gets a knock on the door, it's the manager.....he tells her there was a terrible accident and her husband drowned in a vat of Guiness.
She is devastated and finally manages to sob...please tell me he went quickly and didnt suffer.
The manager replied, I'm afraid not, in fact he got out 3 times to pee
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the accident recovery jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working accident blonde car accident piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.