Delightful Fun Accident Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
I accidently swallowed some scrabble tiles
My next dump could spell disaster
An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident
where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.
"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.
"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.
"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"
I accidentally locked my keys in my car in front of an abortion clinic...
They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.
I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick...
She's still not talking to me :(
I accidentally rear ended someone at a stop light while not paying attention..
We get out to exchange information, and I notice the guy is a midget. The first thing he says is, "I'm not happy." To which I replied, "Well which one are you then?"
I accidentally flogged another dominatrix's client.
Oops, wrong sub.
I saved 15% on car insurance by switching....
The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident
I accidentally called out my mums name during sex
and my sister hasn't talked to me since.
I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup.
Luckliy it was only a virus.
When I awoke from the accident and they told me my fingers were broken...
it was hard to grasp.
Two Police officers.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:
Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.
You can explore accident incident reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean accident pileup dad jokes. There are also accident puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
An old Hitler joke
Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.
"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".
"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.
"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"
A policeman knocked at my door.....
I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."
I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful mΜΆuΜΆmΜΆ cook."
With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...
Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles...
My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
My grandparents were vaporised in a freak accident
They will be mist... :'(
Accidentally called 911
Set my house on fire to not look stupid.
I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating
I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door.
"Ewe gross, I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"
I accidently bought a fleshlight instead of a flashlight.
When the power went out I was screwed.
Asians are sooo bad at driving....
I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.
A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs
A man loses his legs in a train accident
and when hes rushed to hospital
the only available transplant are a child's
so he gets the surgery
and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain
the nurse runs up and says
'sir is it your legs'
and the man goes
'no'
'its my kidneys'
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.
They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?
What if you have an accident?
The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.
The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.
Mom, someone called me gangster at school today.
Mom: Dont worry I'll go tomorrow and solve this problem
Son: Make sure it looks like an accident.
I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet
Whoops, E-Daisies
I named my kid Bob Ross
He was a happy little accident.
I accidentally combined Fahrenheit and milliliters
FmL
I accidentally slept with my third cousin.
The first two were better.
I accidentally referred to my wife as my girlfriend today
Their names aren't even that similar
I accidentally drank the water we used to color eggs for Easter.
I think I dyed a little inside.
My girlfriend wanted a favor from me
Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident
Me: Say no more
LATER
Detective: It looks like the killer beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet
A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident
He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms."
I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD
and found out I have Gary Busey
I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.
I think it's maoware.
An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.
The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."ο»Ώ
"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.
"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.
I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.
I couldn't help thinking,
'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"
His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.
He really loved that woman.
Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.
All involved were rushed to the ICU
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth...
and now I talk with a strange Axe scent.
I accidentally called my wife a 'trophy' the other day...
She shot back, Oh come on, just because you always finish first doesn't mean you win anything!
A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...
Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the Hell is wrong with you?
Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.
Policeman: You could have hit the 2 men!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other one ran towards the wedding party. So I followed him. Β―\\(γ)/Β―
My girlfriend invited me to meet her parents.
Before we went over, she let me know that her father, Dale, was in a car accident and had his legs amputated at the hips. Apparently, it was a sensitive issue, and I was not to mention it.
When we arrived, her dad greeted us at the door. Not seeing his wife anywhere, I said to him, Dale, it's great to meet you. Is your other half in the kitchen?
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk, I have this weird axe scent
I accidentally deleted an audiobook I was listening to
Now I'll never hear the end of it
A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. We're losing him! said a nurse.
Not on my watch! said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.
My wife asked me if I'd ever pissed in the shower. I said 'Yes but both times were an accident.
My Wife responded 'What!? How can you piss in the shower by accident? Twice!?'
And I said 'Well these things happen when you're taking a shit'.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him
To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him
In a recent laboratory accident, a technician was frozen to absolute zero
but he's 0k now.
I saw 3 men standing at the urinals.
The first man, a Jewish guy, was peeing 4 streams.
"What happened to you?" I asked.
He explained "Accident at my circumcision. The rabbi had Parkinson's."
The next man, a big tough trucker, was peeing 6 streams.
"And what is your problem?" I asked.
He grunted "I had a fight with a rottweiler..."
The third man, an elderly, absent-minded looking guy, was peeing 30 streams.
"Oh my gosh, what the hell happened to you?!?" I gasped.
He looked down, then sighed.
"Oh dear, I forgot to pull down my zipper again."
A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven
When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"
St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."
The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?"
St. Peter responds, "We added up your client billing time sheets."
A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?"
"Yes, there was"
answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head.
"Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?"
"Yes, absolutely"
answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson's other head.
Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.
A woman is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.
The woman starts crying to her husband, sobbing That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!
Confused, he says, Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.
After a few minutes, the woman, still sobbing, asks, How many is a Brazilian?
So these three lawyers are zooming along a country road and they get into an accident with a gravedigger.
So the gravedigger pulls himself out of his car and he's okay, but the lawyers are kind of messed up, so he buries them, right there, and walks into town and calls the Sheriff. 'Sheriff,' he says, 'terrible accident I just had. Three lawyers in it, they was all dead, so I buried them.' Sheriff says, "What?
You went ahead and buried them already? Are yousure they was dead?' Gravedigger says reluctantly,
"Well, they said they wasn't, but you know how those fellas lie.
I accidentally put corn starch in my novel..
The plot thickened.
Just made this up, and apologize in advance... What did the Doctor give the weatherman after his skiing accident?
4 casts
Just got hospitalised due to a peekaboo accident
They put me in the ICU
My son is studying to become a lawyer, so I texted him, "If you tickle a man to death by accident..."
"Is it manslaughter?!"
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth this morning.
All day I've been speaking with a weird axe scent.
So this guy lost his right foot in an accident
Lucky for him, he got a great prosthetic, so nobody knew he's wearing a prosthetic foot.
Some years later he met a girl, but didn't tell her about his 'disability'. They got married and on wedding night, he took off his prosthetic foot to show his new bride.
Horrified, she straight called her mom.
"Mum, you wouldn't believe it. He only got one foot!"
The mum then yelled back at her "Goddamnit child, be grateful! Your dad is only six inches!"
I awoke from an accident and was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken.
It was hard to grasp.
I just found out that my friend broke all his fingers in a freak accident.
I can't even imagine how he feels.
A woman in her Kia did not wear a seatbelt and got into an accident
Her body left her Soul.
I was really depressed after I injured my neck in a car accident last year.
Now I can look back and laugh.
A guy is in an accident and wakes up in hospital after being operated on
The doctor says "well sir, I have some bad news and some good news.
The bad news is that we had to amputate both of your legs.
But the good news is that the guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes"
A man woke from a coma at the hospital after suffering a terrible accident
He began yelling "Doctor, please help! I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor said, "That's because we had to amputate both your arms."
I told my friend, I was really depressed after I broke all my fingers in a car accident a few months ago.
He said, How do you feel now?
I said, With my elbows, mostly.
A man cuts off two fingers on one hand in a work accident
Will I still be able to write with it? He asks the doctor.
The doctor says, Probably, but I wouldn't count on it
I accidentally put diesel in the escort.
She's dead now.
I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives
I will start a religious movement anytime now
I started dating a guy, but then I found out he lost all of his toes in a freak work accident
Unfortunately, I'm lack toes intolerant.
(This joke inspired by an 8 year old)
