The Best 69 Accident Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Accident jokes. There are some accident injuries jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these accident car accident puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Accident Jokes and Puns
I'm immortal
Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?
"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."
Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.
Kind of makes me immortal.
I accidently swallowed some scrabble tiles
My next dump could spell disaster
An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident
where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.
"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.
"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.
"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"
I accidentally locked my keys in my car in front of an abortion clinic...
They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.
I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick...
She's still not talking to me :(
A Jewish man is in a car accident.
A Jewish man is in a car accident and is laying bleeding on the side of the road. A cop runs up, and rolls him on his back. He looks down on him and says, "the paramedics are coming. Are you comfortable?"
The Jewish guy say, "eh... I make a decent living."
I accidentally rear ended someone at a stop light while not paying attention..
We get out to exchange information, and I notice the guy is a midget. The first thing he says is, "I'm not happy." To which I replied, "Well which one are you then?"
Fast and Furious [NSFW]
I asked my girlfriend to give me road head and we got into an accident.
I guess next time I should be the one driving.
I accidentally flogged another dominatrix's client.
Oops, wrong sub.
I saved 15% on car insurance by switching....
The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident
I accidentally called out my mums name during sex
and my sister hasn't talked to me since.
You can explore accident incident reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean accident pileup dad jokes. There are also accident puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup.
Luckliy it was only a virus.
When I awoke from the accident and they told me my fingers were broken...
it was hard to grasp.
Two Police officers.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:
Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.
An old Hitler joke
Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.
"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".
"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.
"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"
A policeman knocked at my door.....
I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."
I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful mΜΆuΜΆmΜΆ cook."
With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...
Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles...
My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
My grandparents were vaporised in a freak accident
They will be mist... :'(
I accidentally said Hello to a feminist the other day.
The court trial starts tomorrow.
I accidentally dropped my phone from a 20-story building.
It's a good thing I had it on Flight Mode.
Accidentally called 911
Set my house on fire to not look stupid.
I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating
I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door.
"Ewe gross, I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"
I accidently bought a fleshlight instead of a flashlight.
When the power went out I was screwed.
Asians are sooo bad at driving....
I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.
My girlfriend told me she wanted someone who treated her like a princess
So I hired paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car accident.
A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs
A man loses his legs in a train accident
and when hes rushed to hospital
the only available transplant are a child's
so he gets the surgery
and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain
the nurse runs up and says
'sir is it your legs'
and the man goes
'no'
'its my kidneys'
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.
They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?
What if you have an accident?
The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.
The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.
Mom, someone called me gangster at school today.
Mom: Dont worry I'll go tomorrow and solve this problem
Son: Make sure it looks like an accident.
I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet
Whoops, E-Daisies
I named my kid Bob Ross
He was a happy little accident.
I accidentally combined Fahrenheit and milliliters
FmL
I accidentally slept with my third cousin.
The first two were better.
I'm 1/16th Cherokee...
Not by ancestry, but because I got into a terrible accident in my Jeep and the doctors were unable to remove all the shrapnel.
I accidentally referred to my wife as my girlfriend today
Their names aren't even that similar
I accidentally drank the water we used to color eggs for Easter.
I think I dyed a little inside.
After being in an accident that disabled both my legs...
The doctor walked in with the medical bill,
I couldn't stand to look at it.
My girlfriend wanted a favor from me
Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident
Me: Say no more
LATER
Detective: It looks like the killer beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet
A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident
He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms."
I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD
and found out I have Gary Busey
I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.
I think it's maoware.
An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.
The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."ο»Ώ
"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.
"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.
I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.
I couldn't help thinking,
'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"
His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.
He really loved that woman.
Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.
All involved were rushed to the ICU
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth...
and now I talk with a strange Axe scent.
I accidentally called my wife a 'trophy' the other day...
She shot back, Oh come on, just because you always finish first doesn't mean you win anything!
A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...
Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the Hell is wrong with you?
Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.
Policeman: You could have hit the 2 men!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other one ran towards the wedding party. So I followed him. Β―\\(γ)/Β―
My girlfriend invited me to meet her parents.
Before we went over, she let me know that her father, Dale, was in a car accident and had his legs amputated at the hips. Apparently, it was a sensitive issue, and I was not to mention it.
When we arrived, her dad greeted us at the door. Not seeing his wife anywhere, I said to him, Dale, it's great to meet you. Is your other half in the kitchen?
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk, I have this weird axe scent
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next vowel movement could spell disaster.
I accidentally deleted an audiobook I was listening to
Now I'll never hear the end of it
A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. We're losing him! said a nurse.
Not on my watch! said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.
My wife asked me if I'd ever pissed in the shower. I said 'Yes but both times were an accident.
My Wife responded 'What!? How can you piss in the shower by accident? Twice!?'
And I said 'Well these things happen when you're taking a shit'.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him
To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him
In a recent laboratory accident, a technician was frozen to absolute zero
but he's 0k now.
A man knocked on Mrs Smith's door.
"I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident at the brewery," he said.
"Your husband fell into a giant vat of beer and drowned."
Mrs Smith started crying. "Oh poor thing, he had no chance!"
"I don't know about that," the man replied. "He got out three times to use the toilet."
I saw 3 men standing at the urinals.
The first man, a Jewish guy, was peeing 4 streams.
"What happened to you?" I asked.
He explained "Accident at my circumcision. The rabbi had Parkinson's."
The next man, a big tough trucker, was peeing 6 streams.
"And what is your problem?" I asked.
He grunted "I had a fight with a rottweiler..."
The third man, an elderly, absent-minded looking guy, was peeing 30 streams.
"Oh my gosh, what the hell happened to you?!?" I gasped.
He looked down, then sighed.
"Oh dear, I forgot to pull down my zipper again."
A guy lost his fingers in an accident at work.
He rushed to the hospital and made his way to the emergency ward.
When he arrived the doctor came in and said, "Not to fret, Mr. Roberts, with the technology of today and advances in medicine, we can easily reattach your fingers and you'll be able to return to work in a couple of days. Now... where are the fingers?"
"I haven't got 'em." The man replied.
"Why not!?" Asked the doctor.
The man says "I couldn't pick 'em up!"
So my dad died last year
We were in a car accident and my dad lost loads of blood. EMT came onto the scene but nobody could remember what his blood type is in time for them to give him a transfusion.
Even as he died, Dad kept telling us to "Be positive" but it's hard without you here Dad. Hope you're in a better place.
I accidentally swallowed a small gold nugget
So I dug through my feces to find it. My wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was just mining my own business.
"I hear you just got married again."
Jim: "Joe, I hear you just got married again."
Joe: "Yes, for the fourth time."
Jim: "What happened to your first three wives?"
Joe: "They all died, Jim."
Jim: "How did that happen?"
Joe: "My first wife ate poison mushrooms."
Jim: "How terrible! And your second?"
Joe: "She ate poison mushrooms."
Jim: "And your third ate poison mushrooms too?"
Joe: "Oh, no. She died of blunt head trauma."
Jim: "I see, an accident."
Joe: "Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."
Tom lost a foot in a traffic accident.
Years later, he fell in love with Mary. Tom didn't tell Mary his disability, worrying that she might leave him.
Tom loved Mary so much that he proposed to her and she said yes.
The next day after the wedding, Mary called her mother angrily : " My husband has only one foot "
Her mother calmly replied :" Your father has only 6 inches ."
A lorry carrying 300kg of strawberries crashed into a lorry carrying 50kg of sugar.
Instead of helping clear up the accident cars drove through the mess and the jam was getting thicker!
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the accident recovery jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working accident blonde car accident piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.