My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
When the power went out I was screwed.
She's still not talking to me :(
They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.
Whoops, E-Daisies
My next dump could spell disaster
Luckliy it was only a virus.
Their names aren't even that similar
and found out I have Gary Busey
and now I talk with a strange Axe scent.
Set my house on fire to not look stupid.
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
I think it's maoware.
We get out to exchange information, and I notice the guy is a midget. The first thing he says is, "I'm not happy." To which I replied, "Well which one are you then?"
and my sister hasn't talked to me since.
I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door.
"Ewe gross, I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"
Oops, wrong sub.
I think I dyed a little inside.
FmL
The first two were better.
It's a good thing I had it on Flight Mode.
The court trial starts tomorrow.
The doctor walked in with the medical bill,
I couldn't stand to look at it.
The steaks have never been higher.
But then I remembered that it's always going to be okay.
I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization.
When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman.
It was a Wookie mistake
Wouldn't you know, I woke up with mourningwood.
...now her clothes don't fit anymore
She hasn't spoken to me for days.
A father is driving with his young son who is asleep when he bumps the horn, waking his son. The father apologizes, saying it was an accident. The boy tells him he knows it was, to which the father asks how he knew it was an accident. The son replies "well you didn't yell dumbass when you honked"
I was too scared to tell him to his face, so I left a note saying "curiosity was here."
Never mind, I'm cool now.
and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.
A young woman's face is badly injured during a car crash. Before surgery the surgeon removes a large part of skin from her husbands buttocks so he can transplant it to her face. The operation is a success and the woman looks almost the same as she did before. Gratefully, the woman thanks her husband: 'You're so sweet you did this for me, when we get home I will make sure you'll have the night of your life'. 'No need' the man says, 'It's thanks enough to know that every time your mother kisses you, she will be kissing my ass!'
Good thing nothing major happened good thing nothing major happened good thing nothing major happened good thing nothing major happened
Now he can ride a bike and has been through college.
but good thing I was only on the 3rd step
Take him to WalMart. They are the largest retailer in the world.
I tried to help the victims, but there was so much blood that I felt sick and had to leave.
I'm sure they'll be okay until a different ambulance gets there.
Everyone keeps offering to push your stool in
...with a little person. He got out of his car and said
"I am NOT happy!."
" well which one are you?"
They said just do it.
I don't remember her eating fish for lunch.
Lost a bet and had to grow a mustache.
Co-worker: "Hey booskadoo247, how do you like your mustache?"
booskado247: "It's growing on me."
Accidental Comedian strikes again!
It was paneful.
Whoops, wrong sub
17 people were injured.
The doctor says I'll be fine, but I feel as though I've dyed inside.
I dyed a little inside.
luckily I braked just in time or else I would've spilt my beer.
Thankfully it still works but now all my images are watermarked.
I just didn't expect it to blow up so much
Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids!
Iran
Notseafood
So, immediately, I went and knocked on her door, and I said, "I'm terribly sorry, ma'am; I think I've killed your cat. To make amends for this tragic mistake, I'll replace him if you'd like."
She said, "That's very noble of you, but how are you at catching mice?"
He told me, "That does it! The gloves are coming off!"
Fear not, H2O2 is H2O too
She died
The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and plowed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces.
Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together.
In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" said the truck driver to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?"
"Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
my car to reverse leaving the scene....
Don't ask me'ow I did it
After 15 minutes of driving I realised I forgot my car.
A few days later I got arrested for money laundering.
I had to get a Wiifund
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
She died.
...can completely urin a sentence.
Well, that's what she gets for covering her eyes.
You'll probably only have to pay a few years of child support.
Going inside to ask for a hanger was pretty akward.......
It was udder confusion.
But dont worry i got the rest of my life to figure out how to survive it
The Czech is in the male!
I thought I would be in big trouble, but she turned a blind eye.
Put it in a bowl of mice overnight.
I'm really struggling to get out of it.
What the Hellmann!
Now they smell nice and I'm getting some really clean sound.
Even if I said that correctly I'd still sound high
He wasn't amused, but he did say, You cracked me Up.
She wanted Ragu.
It's all gone to pot
It drew blood.
We have collected gags that can be used as Acci pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Acci, here are one liners and funny Acci pick up lines.