access Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious access puns

If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

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What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

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What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, Comcast.

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A black guys walks into a bank...

... says "I'm looking for a job!"

The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"


The black guy says "You're joking."


The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"

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Even now, all this time later, we have to remain calm about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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So a college teacher is talking to his male students...

"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."

Suddenly, a student in the back raises his hand and asks:

"How much for a semester pass?"

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Why is net neutrality so important?

Somebody tell me, please! My ISP won't let me access the info for some reason.

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How does a tree access the internet?

It logs on.

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Why are dentists really good hackers?

Because they always get root access.

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A developer tried to pull weeds out of his garden...

...but he didn't have root access.

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How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.

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Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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Why is it a good idea to put your money in the freezer, instead of the bank?

So you always have access to cold hard cash...

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Why are incest videos so popular on PornHub right now?

Because West Virginia finally got internet access.

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Why can't early access developers ever have children?

They can never finish.

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Yet another bar joke

Every day, there is a man who sits in the corner booth at a penthouse bar.

One particular day, a young man comes in through the door. Feeling lucky, he exclaims, "I am feeling lucky, I'll take anyone's bet." The young man in the corner stands up, finishes his scotch, and staggers over to the young man. "I'll bet you that I can jump out of this window and then walk down from the roof access. Fifty bucks."

"You've got a deal mister." He proceeds to jump out of the window, only to a few seconds later walk in from the roof access. The young man is flabbergasted and hands over the $50. "Hundred bucks says you can't do it again."

And the other man proceeds to jump out of the window, and then again walks in from the roof. The young man gets overconfident and tries to do it himself, thinking that there must be some catch. He falls thirteen stories to his death. The older man orders another scotch from the bartender and returns to his corner booth.

The bartender says to him, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

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Medieval Minstrels were the first victims of EA's corporate greed

They could only access their instruments by opening Lute Boxes

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With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

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A boy just saved Donald Trump's life.

And Trump says he can have anything he wants.

The boy asks for a wheelchair ramp for his family's van, and unlimited access to handicapped parking.

Trump asks the boy if this is for his mom or his dad.

The boy says that it's for him.

"But kid, you're not in a wheelchair." says Trump.

"I will be when my dad finds out what I've done."

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I know this guy who teaches people how to access the Dark Web, but if they're incompetent then he physically and psychologically abuses them

He's a Tor mentor.

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79 million people are without access to drinkable water

Though on the bright side, the number is decreasing!

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How many North Koreans does it take to change a light bulb?

One, only **Glorious Leader** gets access to light bulbs

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Why should every woman know a C++ programmer?

Because they'll always let friends access their private members.

Ba dum tiss.

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Everybody needs to calm down about Net Neutrality dying...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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So, you're the leader of a country who wants access to the Eastern Mediterranean, Balkans and Middle East, but you're not able to get it?

Oh, Crimea river.

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What does a Soldier and a Shoulder have in common?

They have access to arms.

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With greater access to the internet around the globe, more and more people are watching porn.

What is this world coming to?

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One of my favorite nun jokes.

Three nuns are sitting with a priest. The priest says 'if all of you wish to be sure of access to heaven, tell me if you have ever had a sexual encounter.'
The first nun says 'I confess i once touched a penis.'
The priest says 'Blessed be all is forgiven.'
The second nun says 'I once sucked a penis.'
The priest says 'Blessed be all is forgiven.'
The third one says 'I was sexually assaulted as a child.'
The priest says 'God damnit Mary! I told you not to tell anyone!'

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Maybe I'm too old for pillow forts.

On the one hand, I feel young enough to want to build pillow forts, but on the other hand, I'm a grown up now, with my own adult responsibilities and apartment, so I don't have access to my parents' awesome sofa cushions.

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Find out if Cambridge Analytica has access to your data...

But first, fill out this personality & psychological profile quiz to find out...

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What is the square root of Pai?

"To access your calculator's premium features like sine, square and square root, and logarithm, please call to have a contractor install the software"

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What do you call boxers worn backwards?

Easy access

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are at the gates of heaven...

God lays out the rules. They each had 100 steps to climb, and each step would have a different joke. If they could reach the last step without laughing, they would be allowed access into heaven.

The brunette laughs at the 18th step, and is sent to hell.

The redhead does a bit better, and laughs at the 67th step. However, she is still sent to hell.

The blonde is doing much better. She is on the last step, about to enter heaven, when she suddenly starts laughing. God asks "Why are you laughing now? I didn't even tell a joke!"

The blonde responds "I just got the 2nd one!"

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Communists must love Tsunamis.

They take the homes of the wealthy and give poor people access to the beachfront.

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Explaining to my Married Friends how Tinder works.

Me : So you swipe right if you like them and swipe left if you don't like

Them : Ohhhhhh

Me : So basically you need to log in to the Facebook account to access the app.

Them : Ohhhhhh

Me : Don't worry nothing gets posted on Facebook

Them : Ohhhhhh

P. S - Only Married Folks understand the subtle difference in the Ohhhhhhs

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What are the most funny Access jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Access? Well, here are the best Access dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Access pick up lines to share with friends.

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