The Best 58 Access Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Access jokes. There are some access ports jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these access unlock puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Access Jokes and Puns

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

Access joke, What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

Password reset

A man was was unable to log into his online banking account and he pulled up the online chat support.

"I put in my password and I cannot access my account"

"Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one."

"Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?"

"No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one."

"Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty well?"

"Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 90 days."

"Can I use the old one and just re-register it?"

"No, you must get a new one."

"I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember."

"Sorry, you must get a new one."

"OK, roses."

"Sorry you must use more letters."

"OK, pretty roses"

"No good, you must use at least one numerical character."

"OK, 1 pretty rose"

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

"OK, 1prettyrose"

"Sorry, you must use additional characters."

"OK, 1fuckingprettyrose"

"Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter."

"OK,1FUCKINGprettyrose"

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row."

"OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose"

"Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters."

"OK, 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow"

"Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used"


Why is it a good idea to put your money in the freezer, instead of the bank?

So you always have access to cold hard cash...

So a college teacher is talking to his male students...

"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."

Suddenly, a student in the back raises his hand and asks:

"How much for a semester pass?"

Access joke, So a college teacher is talking to his male students...

A developer tried to pull weeds out of his garden...

...but he didn't have root access.

How does a tree access the internet?

It logs on.

Why should every woman know a C++ programmer?

Because they'll always let friends access their private members.

Ba dum tiss.

How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.

You can explore access admission reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean access refund dad jokes. There are also access puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Maybe I'm too old for pillow forts.

On the one hand, I feel young enough to want to build pillow forts, but on the other hand, I'm a grown up now, with my own adult responsibilities and apartment, so I don't have access to my parents' awesome sofa cushions.

79 million people are without access to drinkable water

Though on the bright side, the number is decreasing!

I think I'm starting to see why it's a bad idea to give Trump access to nuclear launch codes...

He'll just fire them

I wanted to know the meaning of earthenware, so I opened the dictionary at the EA section.

Unfortunately, I needed to pay micro-transactions to access it.

What does a Soldier and a Shoulder have in common?

They have access to arms.

Access joke, What does a Soldier and a Shoulder have in common?

Why are dentists really good hackers?

Because they always get root access.

Can't wait for Game 8 of the World Series,

Indians vs the Dakota Access Pipeline

How many North Koreans does it take to change a light bulb?

One, only **Glorious Leader** gets access to light bulbs


A black guys walks into a bank...

... says "I'm looking for a job!"

The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"

The black guy says "You're joking."

The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"

If you're feeling down today....

Just know that earlier I took a two hour course online about why you should NEVER leave your Common Access Card unattended,

And then accidentally left it in the computer after I was done.

A boy just saved Donald Trump's life.

And Trump says he can have anything he wants.

The boy asks for a wheelchair ramp for his family's van, and unlimited access to handicapped parking.

Trump asks the boy if this is for his mom or his dad.

The boy says that it's for him.

"But kid, you're not in a wheelchair." says Trump.

"I will be when my dad finds out what I've done."

Kids these days have access to untold HD videos of models on the internet

I had the JCPenny catalog.

Explaining to my Married Friends how Tinder works.

Me : So you swipe right if you like them and swipe left if you don't like

Them : Ohhhhhh

Me : So basically you need to log in to the Facebook account to access the app.

Them : Ohhhhhh

Me : Don't worry nothing gets posted on Facebook

Them : Ohhhhhh

P. S - Only Married Folks understand the subtle difference in the Ohhhhhhs

What's a pirates least favorite letter

Dear user,
your internet access has ben cut of due to illegal usage
yours truly
comcast

I know this guy who teaches people how to access the Dark Web, but if they're incompetent then he physically and psychologically abuses them

He's a Tor mentor.

Why is net neutrality so important?

Somebody tell me, please! My ISP won't let me access the info for some reason.

Why can't early access developers ever have children?

They can never finish.

Why are incest videos so popular on PornHub right now?

Because West Virginia finally got internet access.

What do you call boxers worn backwards?

Easy access

What is the square root of Pai?

"To access your calculator's premium features like sine, square and square root, and logarithm, please call to have a contractor install the software"

Internet companies are a lot like whores

The more money you give them the more you have access to

Medieval Minstrels were the first victims of EA's corporate greed

They could only access their instruments by opening Lute Boxes

So, you're the leader of a country who wants access to the Eastern Mediterranean, Balkans and Middle East, but you're not able to get it?

Oh, Crimea river.

Son, we just bought a software to control your internet access.

Can you install it?

Why can't orphans use any web browsers effectively?

Because they can't access any of the homepages.

Even now, all this time later, we have to remain calm about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

Find out if Cambridge Analytica has access to your data...

But first, fill out this personality & psychological profile quiz to find out...

Net neutrality is overrated. I can still access all the sites.

Besides, most of them are the same anyway, always showing only 404 and the like.

I have no empathy for those with read-only access

It's my Write Privilege

I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

You need your parents permission to access the site.

Communists must love Tsunamis.

They take the homes of the wealthy and give poor people access to the beachfront.

To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own:

We're rooting for you!

How does a farmer access the internet?

With Old Macdonald's free wifi.

Common sense is like dial-up internet access

It hasn't been used in years

What does EA truly stand for?

Early Access because all of their games are rushed and unfinished.

Three European contrabass players were denied access to USA at a New York airport...

...they couldn't let contraband trough customs.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

I will find you; you have my Word. You've taken my one only good Outlook in life. Seriously though, how did you gain Access & why did you only leave OneNote?

I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."

So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.

I put hidden cameras in every butter factory in the world and will sell access to them,

Some people just want to watch the world churn

Clean water is like password

Not everyone has access to it

Two men were breaking into a high security software company...

They couldn't get their code breaker to work for the back door, so, in a last desperate attempt to short circuit the security, one of them peed on the access panel.

It began smoking, a couple sparks flew, and boom, the back door clicked open.

They looked at each other, impressed and relieved.

Urine.

My dad was looking for lemon creams online (true story)

He clicks on a link to a supermarket webpage and says to access this page you must accept cookies.

Don't mind if I do he responded and accepted.

Still haven't received those cookies yet.

If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

I guess it's because they don't have access to black magic...

What do hackers, gay men and burglars all have in common?

They want access to the back door.

Why do Karens like to press ctrl alt delete?

Because from there they can access the task manager

How do they access the internet in Israel?

Net and Yahoo.

One Bill Gates' divorce

According to Melinda Gates, Bill just didn't Excel at his marriage. Apparently he had no Power Points while arguing, but he always had to have the last Word. And now that he no longer had Access to her heart, the Outlook was not looking good for them. They couldn't work together as Teams. On the Surface they were a perfect couple, but deep down there was hardly any Kinect. He kept everything hidden like an X-Box and she never found it re- Azuring Finally she realized there was no Window of opportunity to stay together.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the access vpn jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working access entree piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes