Access Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Access puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Access

If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

A black guys walks into a bank...

... says "I'm looking for a job!"

The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"

The black guy says "You're joking."

The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"

Even now, all this time later, we have to remain calm about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

So a college teacher is talking to his male students...

"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."

Suddenly, a student in the back raises his hand and asks:

"How much for a semester pass?"

Why is net neutrality so important?

Somebody tell me, please! My ISP won't let me access the info for some reason.

How does a tree access the internet?

It logs on.

Why are dentists really good hackers?

Because they always get root access.

A developer tried to pull weeds out of his garden...

...but he didn't have root access.

How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."

So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.

Why is it a good idea to put your money in the freezer, instead of the bank?

So you always have access to cold hard cash...

Why are incest videos so popular on PornHub right now?

Because West Virginia finally got internet access.

To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own:

We're rooting for you!

Why can't early access developers ever have children?

They can never finish.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

I will find you; you have my Word. You've taken my one only good Outlook in life. Seriously though, how did you gain Access & why did you only leave OneNote?

Medieval Minstrels were the first victims of EA's corporate greed

They could only access their instruments by opening Lute Boxes

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

A boy just saved Donald Trump's life.

And Trump says he can have anything he wants.

The boy asks for a wheelchair ramp for his family's van, and unlimited access to handicapped parking.

Trump asks the boy if this is for his mom or his dad.

The boy says that it's for him.

"But kid, you're not in a wheelchair." says Trump.

"I will be when my dad finds out what I've done."

I know this guy who teaches people how to access the Dark Web, but if they're incompetent then he physically and psychologically abuses them

He's a Tor mentor.

79 million people are without access to drinkable water

Though on the bright side, the number is decreasing!

How many North Koreans does it take to change a light bulb?

One, only **Glorious Leader** gets access to light bulbs

Why should every woman know a C++ programmer?

Because they'll always let friends access their private members.

Ba dum tiss.

I put hidden cameras in every butter factory in the world and will sell access to them,

Some people just want to watch the world churn

What does EA truly stand for?

Early Access because all of their games are rushed and unfinished.

So, you're the leader of a country who wants access to the Eastern Mediterranean, Balkans and Middle East, but you're not able to get it?

Oh, Crimea river.

Common sense is like dial-up internet access

It hasn't been used in years

What does a Soldier and a Shoulder have in common?

They have access to arms.

The impossible wish

A guy saves a frog from a forest fire. The frog turns out to be a magical frog, and is very grateful to the man for having saved its life. So the frog offers to grant him three wishes. The man says, Great. So I want:   1. Lifelong access to any cinema,   2. I want to be 10 years younger and   3. I want a highway that goes straight from here to Hawaii.   I'm happy to help you but the third wish is really difficult. You'll have to wish for something else instead of that third wish, says the frog.   OK, agrees the man reluctantly, in that case I'd like to finally understand women. - The frog looks at him for a while: And should the highway be a three-lane or a four-lane one?

One of my favorite nun jokes.

Three nuns are sitting with a priest. The priest says 'if all of you wish to be sure of access to heaven, tell me if you have ever had a sexual encounter.'
The first nun says 'I confess i once touched a penis.'
The priest says 'Blessed be all is forgiven.'
The second nun says 'I once sucked a penis.'
The priest says 'Blessed be all is forgiven.'
The third one says 'I was sexually assaulted as a child.'
The priest says 'God damnit Mary! I told you not to tell anyone!'

Maybe I'm too old for pillow forts.

On the one hand, I feel young enough to want to build pillow forts, but on the other hand, I'm a grown up now, with my own adult responsibilities and apartment, so I don't have access to my parents' awesome sofa cushions.

What is the square root of Pai?

"To access your calculator's premium features like sine, square and square root, and logarithm, please call to have a contractor install the software"

What do you call boxers worn backwards?

Easy access

Two men were breaking into a high security software company...

They couldn't get their code breaker to work for the back door, so, in a last desperate attempt to short circuit the security, one of them peed on the access panel.

It began smoking, a couple sparks flew, and boom, the back door clicked open.

They looked at each other, impressed and relieved.


Find out if Cambridge Analytica has access to your data...

But first, fill out this personality & psychological profile quiz to find out...

Communists must love Tsunamis.

They take the homes of the wealthy and give poor people access to the beachfront.

Clean water is like password

Not everyone has access to it

Explaining to my Married Friends how Tinder works.

Me : So you swipe right if you like them and swipe left if you don't like

Them : Ohhhhhh

Me : So basically you need to log in to the Facebook account to access the app.

Them : Ohhhhhh

Me : Don't worry nothing gets posted on Facebook

Them : Ohhhhhh

P. S - Only Married Folks understand the subtle difference in the Ohhhhhhs

I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

You need your parents permission to access the site.

What's a pirates least favorite letter

Dear user,
your internet access has ben cut of due to illegal usage
yours truly

Can't wait for Game 8 of the World Series,

Indians vs the Dakota Access Pipeline

I think I'm starting to see why it's a bad idea to give Trump access to nuclear launch codes...

He'll just fire them

If you're feeling down today....

Just know that earlier I took a two hour course online about why you should NEVER leave your Common Access Card unattended,

And then accidentally left it in the computer after I was done.

Net neutrality is overrated. I can still access all the sites.

Besides, most of them are the same anyway, always showing only 404 and the like.

I have no empathy for those with read-only access

It's my Write Privilege

Son, we just bought a software to control your internet access.

Can you install it?

Why can't orphans use any web browsers effectively?

Because they can't access any of the homepages.

How does a farmer access the internet?

With Old Macdonald's free wifi.

Topical Jokes for 1/6

A report shows that North Korea has 6,000 cyber attack specialists. In fairness, North Korea's definition of cyber attack specialist is anyone who's ever watched The Matrix.

...these cyber attack specialists can access any computer on the planet, and leave the message Please. Help me get out of North Korea.

In Mexico, a vicious drug cartel forced some members to eat human hearts. Ex-members of the cartel who were forced to eat hearts have formed a class action, and are suing the cartel for 100 million kilos of cocaine.

In Florida, a man brought a five-month-old baby to an attempted burglary. The man has been offered a reduced sentence, if he agrees to testify against the baby.

Internet companies are a lot like whores

The more money you give them the more you have access to

I wanted to know the meaning of earthenware, so I opened the dictionary at the EA section.

Unfortunately, I needed to pay micro-transactions to access it.

Three European contrabass players were denied access to USA at a New York airport...

...they couldn't let contraband trough customs.

Thanos once tried to wipe out half of the DC universe.

Access denied.

Sea of Thieves

What shall we do with the drunken sailor,

What can we do with the ripped off players,

What will we do to protect the gamers,



I just got early access to the new Injustice:

Mods among us.

What did Elmer Fudd say after he finished installing his wireless access point?

That's a WAP!!

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes