Access Jokes

104 access jokes and hilarious access puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about access that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you looking for some laughs to lighten up a tough day? Check out this article for access jokes from the experts in access management, patient access, and Microsoft Access. We'll have you in stitches with our internet access quips, ransomware puns, and admission one-liners.

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Funniest Access Short Jokes

Short access jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The access humour may include short permission jokes also.

  1. For Valentine's Day, my wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of mine when dressed up as a nurse. At last, I got to roleplay having access to healthcare.
  2. What is the difference between USA and USB? One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard.
  3. What is the difference between USA and USB? One connects to your computer and accesses all your data. The other is an industry standard.
  4. Even now, all this time later, we have to remain calm about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.
  5. Why is net neutrality so important? Somebody tell me, please! My ISP won't let me access the info for some reason.
  6. Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.
  7. Why is it a good idea to put your money in the freezer, instead of the bank? So you always have access to cold hard cash...
  8. To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own: We're rooting for you!
  9. Medieval Minstrels were the first victims of EA's corporate greed They could only access their instruments by opening Lute Boxes
  10. I'm really worried about the Facebook hack. The thought of random strangers having access to my personal details creeps me out.

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Access One Liners

Which access one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with access? I can suggest the ones about unlock and ability.

  1. Dark humor is like clean water... it's just not accessible to everyone.
  2. How does a tree access the internet? It logs on.
  3. Why are dentists really good hackers? Because they always get root access.
  4. A developer tried to pull weeds out of his garden... ...but he didn't have root access.
  5. My wife is like Netflix She has regional content I don't have access to.
  6. Why can't early access developers ever have children? They can never finish.
  7. Where do virtual cows store milk? The random access mammary
  8. Common sense is like dial-up internet access It hasn't been used in years
  9. What does a Soldier and a Shoulder have in common? They have access to arms.
  10. Q: How do trees access the internet?
    A: They log in.
  11. How do they access the internet in Israel? Net and Yahoo.
  12. Clean water is like password Not everyone has access to it
  13. What do you call boxers worn backwards? Easy access
  14. Can't wait for Game 8 of the World Series, Indians vs the Dakota Access Pipeline
  15. I have no empathy for those with read-only access It's my Write Privilege

Internet Access Jokes

Here is a list of funny internet access jokes and even better internet access puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Son, we just bought a software to control your internet access. Can you install it?
  • Q: How do trees access the internet?
    A: They log in.
  • How does a farmer access the internet? With Old Macdonald's free wifi.
  • Looks like I'm going away for a while without internet access tell my wifi love her.
  • Kids these days have access to untold HD videos of models on the internet I had the JCPenny catalog.
  • How do you kill a troll? Take away its internet access.
  • Why couldn't Captain Kirk access the internet? He had no Data.
  • How do trees access the internet? They log in.
  • Chuck Norris can access the internet from a walkie talkie.
  • Why did Frida Kahlo only use one PC to access. The internet? Because of her monobrowse.

Access Management Jokes

Here is a list of funny access management jokes and even better access management puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why do Karens like to press ctrl alt delete? Because from there they can access the task manager
  • How do you access the task manager on a Disney-brand PC? You press "Ctrl+Walt+Delete"
Access joke, How do you access the task manager on a Disney-brand PC?

Gain Access Jokes

Here is a list of funny gain access jokes and even better gain access puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How much is EA worth in today's dollars? [Pay $102.99 to gain access]

Patient Access Jokes

Here is a list of funny patient access jokes and even better patient access puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My sister's lucky she married a doctor She says she has access to way more treatment options than normal patients.
Access joke, My sister's lucky she married a doctor

Cheeky Access Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle

What funny jokes about access you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean avail jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make access pranks.

If the Klu Klux k**... leaders are wizard, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to i**... usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to w**... except quebec.

They only get oui'd

Password reset

A man was was unable to log into his online banking account and he pulled up the online chat support.
"I put in my password and I cannot access my account"
"Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one."
"Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?"

"No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one."

"Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty well?"

"Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 90 days."

"Can I use the old one and just re-register it?"

"No, you must get a new one."

"I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember."

"Sorry, you must get a new one."

"OK, roses."

"Sorry you must use more letters."

"OK, pretty roses"

"No good, you must use at least one numerical character."

"OK, 1 pretty rose"
"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

"OK, 1prettyrose"

"Sorry, you must use additional characters."

"OK, 1fuckingprettyrose"

"Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter."


"Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row."

"OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose"

"Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters."

"OK, 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow"
"Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used"

So a college teacher is talking to his male students...

"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."
Suddenly, a student in the back raises his hand and asks:
"How much for a semester pass?"

Why should every woman know a C++ programmer?

Because they'll always let friends access their private members.
Ba dum tiss.

How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.

Maybe I'm too old for pillow forts.

On the one hand, I feel young enough to want to build pillow forts, but on the other hand, I'm a grown up now, with my own adult responsibilities and apartment, so I don't have access to my parents' awesome sofa cushions.

79 million people are without access to drinkable water

Though on the bright side, the number is decreasing!

I think I'm starting to see why it's a bad idea to give Trump access to nuclear launch codes...

He'll just fire them

I wanted to know the meaning of earthenware, so I opened the dictionary at the EA section.

Unfortunately, I needed to pay micro-transactions to access it.

The American school system is a lot like an EA game...

It's mostly broken and if you pay more money you can access things that make you have an advantage over everyone else.

What did Elmer Fudd say after he finished installing his wireless access point?

That's a WAP!!

I just got early access to the new Injustice:

Mods among us.

How many North Koreans does it take to change a light bulb?

One, only **Glorious Leader** gets access to light bulbs

A black guys walks into a bank...

... says "I'm looking for a job!"
The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"
The black guy says "You're joking."
The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"

If you're feeling down today....

Just know that earlier I took a two hour course online about why you should NEVER leave your Common Access Card unattended,
And then accidentally left it in the computer after I was done.

A boy just saved Donald Trump's life.

And Trump says he can have anything he wants.
The boy asks for a wheelchair ramp for his family's van, and unlimited access to handicapped parking.
Trump asks the boy if this is for his mom or his dad.
The boy says that it's for him.
"But kid, you're not in a wheelchair." says Trump.
"I will be when my dad finds out what I've done."

What you call a healthy, large aquatic mammal living in a structure that gives access to ground water that is located west of England?

A well Welsh well whale

Explaining to my Married Friends how Tinder works.

Me : So you swipe right if you like them and swipe left if you don't like
Them : Ohhhhhh
Me : So basically you need to log in to the Facebook account to access the app.
Them : Ohhhhhh
Me : Don't worry nothing gets posted on Facebook
Them : Ohhhhhh
P. S - Only Married Folks understand the subtle difference in the Ohhhhhhs

What's a pirates least favorite letter

Dear user,
your internet access has ben cut of due to i**... usage
yours truly

I know this guy who teaches people how to access the Dark Web, but if they're incompetent then he physically and psychologically abuses them

He's a Tor mentor.

Why are i**... videos so popular on PornHub right now?

Because West Virginia finally got internet access.

How do 1%ers initiate s**...?

If you would mind de-regulating my access, I'd love to stimulate your private sector!

What is the square root of Pai?

"To access your calculator's premium features like sine, square and square root, and logarithm, please call to have a contractor install the software"

Internet companies are a lot like w**...

The more money you give them the more you have access to

So, you're the leader of a country who wants access to the Eastern Mediterranean, Balkans and Middle East, but you're not able to get it?

Oh, Crimea river.

Sea of Thieves

What shall we do with the drunken sailor,
What can we do with the ripped off players,
What will we do to protect the gamers,

Why can't orphans use any web browsers effectively?

Because they can't access any of the homepages.

Find out if Cambridge Analytica has access to your data...

But first, fill out this personality & psychological profile quiz to find out...

Your mother is like the Atlantic Seaboard.

Huge, rough around the edges, and everyone has 24/7 access to her.

Net neutrality is overrated. I can still access all the sites.

Besides, most of them are the same anyway, always showing only 404 and the like.

Thanos once tried to wipe out half of the DC universe.

Access denied.

I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

You need your parents permission to access the site.

Communists must love Tsunamis.

They take the homes of the wealthy and give poor people access to the beachfront.

What does EA truly stand for?

Early Access because all of their games are rushed and unfinished.

Three European contrabass players were denied access to USA at a New York airport...

...they couldn't let contraband trough customs.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

I will find you; you have my Word. You've taken my one only good Outlook in life. Seriously though, how did you gain Access & why did you only leave OneNote?

I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."

So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.

I put hidden cameras in every butter factory in the world and will sell access to them,

Some people just want to watch the world churn

Two men were breaking into a high security software company...

They couldn't get their code breaker to work for the back door, so, in a last desperate attempt to short circuit the security, one of them peed on the access panel.
It began smoking, a couple sparks flew, and boom, the back door clicked open.
They looked at each other, impressed and relieved.

If the Klu Klux k**... leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

I guess it's because they don't have access to black magic...

What do hackers, gay men and burglars all have in common?

They want access to the back door.

One Bill Gates' divorce

According to Melinda Gates, Bill just didn't Excel at his marriage. Apparently he had no Power Points while arguing, but he always had to have the last Word. And now that he no longer had Access to her heart, the Outlook was not looking good for them. They couldn't work together as Teams. On the Surface they were a perfect couple, but deep down there was hardly any Kinect. He kept everything hidden like an X-Box and she never found it re- Azuring Finally she realized there was no Window of opportunity to stay together.

Hackers took over our system and won't give us back access to our files until we tell them how good looking they are.

It's a handsomeware attack.

The uprising of the machines

When the machines finally rise up and access my fitness bracelet data, they will realize that I am not a threat.

Even before being President Joe Biden could access any restricted Area

All those places are usually for Biden

Why did Homer block access to OnlyFans?

Because Bart is a s**... son

Access joke, For Valentine's Day, my wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of mine when dressed up as a nurse.

jokes about access