access Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious access stories

What are the best access puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Access? Well here is a complete list of the top access jokes:

If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.


What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.


Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.


With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd


A necrophiliac goes to the morgue...

He pays the usual $250 fee for "special access privileges" and begins looking for the perfect partner. He comes across a body which appears to have belonged to a young beautiful woman. The only thing is that she has a rather disturbing gunshot wound to the head. But, he decided she'd do and had the best round of skin-to-skin sex he'd had in sometime.

Afterwards, he asks the mortician how she died. "Self-inflicted wound to the head" the mortician replied.

"Why would such a pretty lad do something like that?" he asked.

"Oh, sad story. She had recently been diagnosed with AIDS."


Yet another bar joke

Every day, there is a man who sits in the corner booth at a penthouse bar.

One particular day, a young man comes in through the door. Feeling lucky, he exclaims, "I am feeling lucky, I'll take anyone's bet." The young man in the corner stands up, finishes his scotch, and staggers over to the young man. "I'll bet you that I can jump out of this window and then walk down from the roof access. Fifty bucks."

"You've got a deal mister." He proceeds to jump out of the window, only to a few seconds later walk in from the roof access. The young man is flabbergasted and hands over the $50. "Hundred bucks says you can't do it again."

And the other man proceeds to jump out of the window, and then again walks in from the roof. The young man gets overconfident and tries to do it himself, thinking that there must be some catch. He falls thirteen stories to his death. The older man orders another scotch from the bartender and returns to his corner booth.

The bartender says to him, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."


One of my favorite nun jokes.

Three nuns are sitting with a priest. The priest says 'if all of you wish to be sure of access to heaven, tell me if you have ever had a sexual encounter.'
The first nun says 'I confess i once touched a penis.'
The priest says 'Blessed be all is forgiven.'
The second nun says 'I once sucked a penis.'
The priest says 'Blessed be all is forgiven.'
The third one says 'I was sexually assaulted as a child.'
The priest says 'God damnit Mary! I told you not to tell anyone!'


Password reset

A man was was unable to log into his online banking account and he pulled up the online chat support.

"I put in my password and I cannot access my account"

"Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one."

"Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?"

"No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one."

"Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty well?"

"Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 90 days."

"Can I use the old one and just re-register it?"

"No, you must get a new one."

"I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember."

"Sorry, you must get a new one."

"OK, roses."

"Sorry you must use more letters."

"OK, pretty roses"

"No good, you must use at least one numerical character."

"OK, 1 pretty rose"

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

"OK, 1prettyrose"

"Sorry, you must use additional characters."

"OK, 1fuckingprettyrose"

"Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter."


"Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row."

"OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose"

"Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters."

"OK, 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow"

"Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used"