Accepted Jokes

Why don't midgets ever get accepted into nudist colonies?

They keep sticking their noses into everyone else's business.

The pessimist only sees darkness into the tunnel...

The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel

The realist sees a light approaching into the tunnel

The train driver sees 3 arseholes walking over the railway

I lost my job at the suicide hotline.

Apparently reverse psychology isn't very well accepted.

I got accepted into Harvard's medical program

I just have to die first and give them my body

Two days ago, I named my WiFi to "Hack it if you can"

Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted"

What is the biggest lie in the Universe

I have read and accepted the terms and conditions

CREATE PASSWORD -

"123Bob".

Password must contain no names, be complex and have over 50 characters.

"GameOfThrones"

Password accepted.

I knew the psychic was a fraud

the second she accepted my check

What do a Harvard lawyer and a Yale lawyer have in common?

They both got accepted to Yale.

I almost accepted a job as a museum historian

but then I realized there's no future in it.

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5. He practiced and practiced every day. He had heard of this orchestra from his town that was really hard to get accepted into. This made him want to practice and practice even more. He even got private lessons with a skilled organist. Finally, the day came. He went to the audition room and started to play, but no sound would come out. The organ was broken. The judge immediately arranged for another organ. As Billy began to play, the organ also creaked and then ceased to make a sound. The judge arranged for yet another organ for Billy, but that one broke down as well. The judge suddenly collapsed to the ground.

At the hospital, the doctors pronounced the judge dead and performed an autopsy.

"The cause of death appears to be multiple organ failure."

Three nuns die in a car accident. They arrive at the pearly gates...

...and St. Peter greets them, "welcome to heaven sisters! Before I let you in I have to ask you each a question that you must answer to be accepted into heaven."

The first nun steps up, and St. Peter asks, "who is the son of god?" The nun says, "that's easy. Jesus." The gates open, and she strolls into heaven.

The second one steps up. "Who is Jesus' mother?" She answers, "Mary," and the gates open.

The third nun steps up, and he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun looks flustered, and she says, "that's a really hard one..." And the gates open.

You aren't a monk.

A man is driving through a town and his car breaks down in front of a monastery. He decides to go up to the door and ask if he can stay the night and the monks let him. At night he is laying in his bed and he hears this extremely strange noise. In the morning he asks a monk what the strange noise was. The monk replied, "I can't tell you because you aren't a monk." The man accepted this fact, graciously thanked the monks for letting him stay, and went on his way. Three years later the man was driving through the same town and broke down in front of the same monastery. Again he asks the monks if he could stay the night, and they let him. And again at night he hears the strange noise. In the morning he asks and gets the same answer. Then he asks how he can become a monk. They reply, "Go count every blade of grass and every pebble in the world." The man comes back 43 years later and gives them accurate numbers. They let him become a monk and the first thing he does is ask to see what the noise was. They take him to a wooden door. He reaches for the handle and its locked. They give him a key, then he happens upon a stone door. Locked. He goes through every kind of door you could possibly think of as they give him keys for each. Then he gets to a diamond door and they give him a key and he unlocks it. Then he opens it and is completely amazed. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

I lost both my legs below the knee in an accident...

... and for years, no matter how hard my friends and family tried to convince me, I fought on without prosthetic replacements.

In the end it became just too difficult, so I finally accepted defeat.

A child was born without a body...

The doctor said there was nothing they could do, but the parents cared for their child anyways.
Several years later, the parents were approached by the same doctor, saying, "I've got some good news. We now have the capability to give your child a body, would you like that?" Of course the parents were overjoyed and immediately agreed.
Another few years went by, and the parents enjoyed being able to hold their child at least, but they wanted their child to have the best life possible, so of course they accepted when the doctor offered to give their child arms.
They loved being able to play with their baby, but were sad that they couldn't teach him to walk. They prayed for the day that the doctor would come just one last time, and it finally came. The doctor asked if they would like to try a new procedure to give their child legs, and they joyfully accepted.
They enjoyed all their time running and playing with their newly whole child, until one day the child was playing in the yard and ran right in front of a cement truck and died.
I guess you could say that the moral of this story is, "stop while you're a head".

A man goes to church to make a confession...

A man goes to church to make a confession to the priest.

"Look. I have a confession to make. During the war, a young, gorgeous woman came to my door looking for somewhere to stay hidden. And I accepted, on the condition that she would repay me every day with sexual favors."

The priest says, "Don't worry, young fellow. You have sinned. You were young and lustful, and God will forgive you."

"Good," the man said. "But I have another question. Do you think I should tell her the war's over?"

The Stuttering Bible Salesman

A man had just accepted his new job as a door-to-door Bible salesman and was introducing himself to his new co-workers.

It quickly became clear that the man had a severe stutter and the other workers began to make fun of him for it. But by the end of the week when the man had sold over 1,000 Bibles, the other workers were very impressed and stopped making fun of him.

"How did you manage to sell that many Bibles in a week?", they all asked the stuttering salesman.

"It's r-really s-s-simple," he said. " I just go up and kn-knock on the d-door and when th-they open it, I s-say, 'W-would you li-like to b-buy this Bi-Bible or d-do you w-want me t-to r-rea-read it t-to you?'"

As a young boy I always wanted to join a violent gang

Just got accepted into police training, who says dreams don't come true.

The Wasp

There once was a wasp, he wasn't very happy with his life in the hive. One day he decided to go back to high school. After his senior year he graduated with flying colours, a 4.0 GPA, honours with distinction and 4 scholarships. After high school he applies to Harvard. Of course, he gets accepted and breezes through, finishing with 5 phDs. He then decides he wants to go into politics. He starts out municipally and then onto state government, until he finally decides to run for President of the United States. He wins in a landslide, he was so popular that it was rumoured the opposition even voted for him. After his 8 years in office (yes, he got reelected) he remembers all the other wasps he left behind in the hive. He goes back to visit them. He sees his mother, his father, his auntie, his uncle, his brothers, his sisters, his cousins, and his one in-bred half brother on his dads side. When he is there he gets thirsty, he goes to the watering hole but there is a gigantic line, he estimates that it would take him 3 days to get a drink. "No point in waiting that long." He said. Then he made his way to the cider, but there is an even longer line there. Suddenly, he remembers that almost no one drinks punch in his hive. He makes his way over to the punch bowl, and guess what? There is no punchline.

I parked in three different handicap parking spots last week. No ticket, and no dirty looks.

Apparently the "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" bumper sticker is accepted nation wide now.

Retirement bonus

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to
go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.


The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.


"Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''.

Blonde vs. Lawyer

A blonde sits next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him. After several minutes of arguing with her, he says you give me $5 for every question you cant answer and i'll give you $50 for every question i cant answer. The lawyer figured he couldnt lose and the blonde accepted.

The lawyer proceeded to ask his first question, "What's the distance between the earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

The blonde then asked her question, "What goes up a hill with four legs and comes down with three?"

The lawyer was searching his laptop for hours and calling everyone he knows to find the answer. Finally he gave up and handed the blonde $50.

After the plane landed, he decided to ask her the answer to her question.

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5

Old joke, still funny

A genius senior in high school takes a chemistry test. He gets his score back and is shocked he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his university of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was How many valence electrons does a Hydrogen atom have? In his haste to complete the test, he had answered 2.
Depressed and despairing, he takes a walk alone along a beach and is lost in thought when he trips on a metal object in the sand. Picking it up, he finds it to be a bronze oil lamp, and as his fingers brush the surface of the lamp, a genie suddenly appears. The genie thunders, I can grant you any one wish, but you must answer now. What do you desire? The student eyes light up and immediately replies, I wish I had gotten that question right, and the universe explodes.

A fine wine

The Navajo woman accepted my offer of a lift to the reservation, but didn't seem inclined to say much more. I noticed a look of ill-disguised disapproval as she got in the car, lingering for a moment on my exposed cleavage, but that was all – she gazed stonily ahead while the car pulled away, leaving a trail of hot Nevada dust in the rear view mirror.

After a few failed attempts at small talk, and my knowledge of her culture exhausted, I kept quiet, and concentrated instead on the evening ahead: a quick bath before Jim returned from work, followed by a dinner with Michael, his boss, at Bon Vivant, the new French restaurant.

The Navajo woman eyed the silk-wrapped bottle of expensive Cabernet Sauvignon I'd bought, as it rattled gently on the dashboard, and said, 'What is in parcel?'

Though a bit surprised by her directness, I was pleased at the conversation, and I replied, 'A bottle of wine – I got it for my husband.'

She nodded thoughtfully, seeming to approve, and then replied, 'A good trade.'

College Assignment: Short Story

So, the assignment in a college writing class was to compose a short story using as FEW words as possible, but in order to be accepted, the story had to include discussion of three things:


1) Religion

2) Sexuality

3) Mystery



The winning entry:

"God God! I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it."

The missionary and the black sheep

A young missionary travels to Senegal to teach God's way to a local tribe.

Upon reaching the village, he is not well received by the inhabitants, but he slowly and steadily create contact.
After many years he's finally accepted by the people and goes along well with everyone, until one day the chief's daughter gives birth to a white child.

Infuriated but not ungrateful for what the missionary has done for the village, he gives him one chance to explain himself in private.

The young man, who is innocent, tells him "I have nothing to do with it, it is just a hazard of the genetics. It's the same as with sheeps, most of them are white but sometimes a black one is born for no reason".

The chief steps back a little, gives a frightened look to the missionary, then whispers : "Ok, I won't say a word about my daugther, but don't you tell anyone about the sheep"

I've accepted that my brother is never paying back that money I loaned him...

I've lost interest, and I'm just giving up on the principal.

A pastor was accused of sexual misconduct

When interrogated by police, he said "I don't understand, she gave consent...I asked if she'd volunteer for a missionary position and she enthusiastically accepted."

So I was applying for Art school...

I made sure to remind them what happened when Hitler wasn't accepted to art school.

Me "I love this song, nothing can ruin it"

Kidz bop "challenge accepted"

Datasheet of a Woman

Element | Woman

Symbol | ♀

Discoverer | Adam

Atomic Mass Β  | Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg to 225kg

**Physical Properties:**

1. Body surface normally covered with a film of powder and paint
2. Boils at absolutely nothing - freezes with no apparent reason
3. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.

**Chemical Properties:**

1. Reacts well to gold, platinum and all precious stones.
2. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning
3. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man

**Hazards**

1. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.
2. Possession of more than one is possible but specimens must not make contact.

I knew the Psychic was a phony as soon as she accepted my check.

Apparently I wasn't accepted to the local emo club.

...They said I wasn't cut out for it.

I recently visited a website with tips for losing weight

And a pop up asked me if I accepted cookies. Is that a trick question?

Why didn't the ghost get accepted to Harvard?

He wasn't a visible minority.

What's the first step in getting accepted to carpentry school?

Submitting a stool sample.

So today I smashed my van in to the side of this blonde lasses car...

It was totally my fault, the car was a write off and the girl was very shook up, you could tell she was in shock so I told her I had a few cans of beer in the back of my van if she wanted them to get over the shock ..... She accepted, drunk a few then asked me if I was having one, I told her I'd wait until the police had been.

A genius high school chemistry student takes a test

A genius high school chemistry student takes a test, gets his score back and is dismayed to find that he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his university of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was How many valence electrons does a Hydrogen atom have? In his haste to complete the test, he had answered 2.

Depressed and despairing, he takes a walk alone along a beach and is lost in thought when he trips on a metal object in the sand. Picking it up, he finds it to be a brass oil lamp, and as his fingers brush the surface a genie suddenly appears. The genie thunders, I can grant you any one wish, but you must answer now. What do you desire? The student immediately replies, I wish I had gotten that question right, and the universe explodes.

Harvard University accepted my application!

I'm going to be their best janitor!

Splitting Internet Charges

I asked my upstairs neighbor to split my internet charges with me, and we could share the bandwidth.

He accepted.

I asked my downstairs neighbor the same thing.

Now I have free Internet!

Why did the fish not get accepted into college?

His grades were below sea level

Texas Sheriffs Deputy Exam

A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.

"That's the attitude we're looking for." said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"

Finally accepted to the new Miming Guild.

Can't tell you how excited I am.

A janitor gets accepted into Nascar

His car goes "Broom, Broom"

What did the Urologist tell his newly accepted resident?

Urine.

Three chinese men applied for citizenship in USA

They were accepted on the condition that they changed their names.

Bu became Buck.
Chu became Chuck.
And Fu went back to China.

I filled out an application to become a citizen of Finland and I must've been accepted almost instantly

The last button I had to click said Finish

Did you guys hear about the scandal with the South Korean president?

She did the right thing and accepted Seoul responsibility.

Who was the first black person accepted into Harvard University?

The Janitor

That one time i hired a hooker...

... She offered me the girlfriend experience for no extra charge, of course i accepted ...

... i did not expect however that she would roll up in to a blanket burrito, order Pizza and watch Netflix.

Today, my girlfriend has agreed that we can do everything in bed now.

She accepted my updated privacy policy without reading.

Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, and Vladimir Putin are being chased by a horde of angry Arab bandits.

"Please stop chasing us, I'll pay you!" Trump screams, but the bandits just keep charging.

"Please stop chasing us, I can get your countries accepted into the EU!" Merkel yells, but the bandits seem to dislike this offer and continue the charge.

"I have an idea," says Putin. He turns around to face the bandits, smiles, and says, "Prevyet, comrades! You are now crossing the border of the mighty Russian Federation!"

All the bandits flee screaming.ο»Ώ

A man tries to get a job at Paradox Interactive.

In the job interview, the interviewer asks:
"Are you going to answer this question?"
"No", the man replies.
He got accepted.

A judge was hearing a case between two parties.

During recess, one party approached the judge and offered a sum of money for a favorable decision. His honorable happily accepted the bribe.

When the other party knew the judge was bribed, they approached him and offered twice the amount of the opposing party. Like the first party, his honorable accepted the bribe.

When the proceedings resumed, the judge announced:

"Because both parties have given me a large sum of money for a favorable decision, I will now have to decide the case based on its merits".

You know the story of the guy who looked pale, right?

This one guy is looking really pale, so his friend tells him ¨dude, you're anemic¨. Of course, our guy doesn't believe this, so his friend says ¨I know about these symptoms, you're definitely anemic¨ and bets him 25 bucks on this. "OK", our guy says, "challenge accepted." Together they go to the doctor. While his friend waits outside, the doctor runs some tests, takes some blood, the whole shebang, and after the doctor finishes and gives his diagnosis, the pale guy triumphantically walks out of the hospital and happily greets his friend.

Β¨So, did you have anemia as I told you?Β¨, his friend asks. To which he happily blurts out:

Β¨No dude, you owe me 25 bucks! Doc says I have stomach cancer :)Β¨

Imagine Dragons is doing a concert in Washington DC

They start singing Believer... "First things first I'ma say all the words inside my head"

Donald Trump stands up and says, "Challenge accepted"

I was invited to a party.

I was invited to a party by some work friends, which I happily accepted and attended. I needed to use the restroom when I arrived, in which there was a long line of other people before me, so I waited.

Later, I joined at the end of another long line to get a plate of food, which I was dead last again. After I ate, I decided to try and get ahead of the line to play some pool, but I was not quick enough and had to wait in another long line for a turn.

Slightly frustrated with my timing and always being last in line, I decided to get something to drink. I could not believe my eyes, when I saw there was no punch line.

A reindeer walked into a bar in the deep South

He bellied up to the counter, and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the $20 bill from the reindeer's hoof. As the bartender handed the reindeer his change, he said,

"You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoof full of change and said,

"Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll ever see in here."

A teacher had given his class an assignment.

He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A wise student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

Password not accepted.

I just decided to buy something on-line and I needed to create a new password. I used the word "mypenis" but it was not accepted. They said it needed to be longer.

Fortune Teller recruitment

Come if you are accepted for the job

What do they tell you when you get accepted into the pee club?

Urine

What is the accepted currency in Australia?

Outbucks.

What's the best way to get the gender non-binary to be lawfully accepted?

Tell politicians that they got a dollar for every gender

Following my wife's guidance, I accepted the biblical command to be moderate in all things.

I struggled. Then I decided to add "moderation" to my list. Now everything seems back to normal.

Did you hear about the guy who was punched until he accepted a position in the Vatican?

He was beaten to a Pope.

They gave the scarecrow an award for being outstanding in his field.

When he accepted the honor he pointed to his parents in the crowd and said, "What can I say... Hay, it's in my jeans."

So i have accepted that I'm a 1. And this 10 just invited me back to her place.

I told her "thanks but i like having two kidneys"

Urology joke I made up today

What does the the urologist say to the accepted internship applicant?

Ur-ine dadum tss

I turned in my letter of resignation to my smug supervisor at the refrigeration plant.

He accepted it with his usual air of condensation.

I saw an ad that said Drink London Dry

Challenge accepted.

Finally accepted to the Mining Hall of Fame!

I can't tell you how happy I am.

Which seven words will get you accepted into any college or hired for any job?

"I'm black and I have a lawyer."

What did the pirate say when he was accepted into flight school?

It's a pilot's life for me!

Gay people are a lot like a Visa...

They need to be accepted everywhere.

I asked a hooker if she accepted Bitcoin.

She told me no because it goes up and down more than she does.

I applied to Hogwarts the a few weeks back. Unfortunately, I didn't get accepted.

Figured I could just Slytherin.

Exchanging my husband, 40 years old, with two twenties...

Offers of four tens will not be accepted.

Are one-liners accepted?

I immediately stopped telling people I was xenophobic when I realized it doesn't mean "afraid of xenomorphs".

Ever since I was young, I always used to run away from my problems

It was no surprise when I got accepted to my college's track and field sports team

We have collected gags that can be used as Accepted pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Accepted, here are one liners and funny Accepted pick up lines.

Joko Jokes