Rib-Tickling Acceptance Speech Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What's 18 inches long and never gets used?
Leonardo DiCaprio's acceptance speech.
My Acceptance Speech
"I would like to thank my arms, for always being by my side. My legs, for always supporting me, as best they could. As for my fingers, well I could always count on them. And finally my hips, for they never lied."
[Offensive] One from the pub again: an old Jewish man wins the lottery...
It's a big old lottery, and he has to go up on stage to accept it.
His speech? He thanks his mum, his dad, his family, and then Hitler.
Everyone's all riled up. They ask: why Hitler?
He rolls up his sleeve, flips his arm over, and tells the crowd: "Well, he gave me the numbers."
Twitter has banned "foreign spy" as hate speech.
The acceptable term is "undocumented knowledge worker."
My college acceptance speech:
I'd like to thank Bigfoot for believing in me even though I never believed in him.
Most of the Republicans didn't see Trump's acceptance speech....
Like most people, they close their eyes when they're masturbating
So if you do win an award tonight don’t use it as a platform to make a political speech.
You’re in no position to lecture the public, about anything. You know nothing about the real world. Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg. So, if you win, come up, accept your little award, thank your agent and your god, and fuck off.
The acceptance speeches at this year's Acadamy Awards are expected to be very long and very, very political...
... better double down on TRUMPets in the orchestra pit.
