Acceptable Jokes

83 acceptable jokes and hilarious acceptable puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about acceptable that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you at work and wondering what jokes are socially acceptable and acceptable in a professional environment? This article provides a discussion on economic and social standards to identify what constitutes inappropriate jokes, as well as which jokes are acceptable. Get the answers you need to ensure your workplace remains professional.

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Funniest Acceptable Short Jokes

Short acceptable jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The acceptable humour may include short pleasant jokes also.

  1. Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found. Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.
  2. When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back
  3. Why will the American people never convert to the metric system? Because they'll never accept a foreign ruler.
  4. You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it? Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.
  5. I got kicked out of the library today... Apparently putting the feminism books in the sci-fi section was not acceptable.
  6. When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.
  7. What does my Grandma and a Modern website have in common? Making me Accept the Cookies on every visit.
  8. Why don't midgets ever get accepted into nudist colonies? They keep sticking their noses into everyone else's business.
  9. When bill gates donates 30% of his net worth He is praised as a generous hero, But when I do it people tell me they don't accept donations under a dollar.
  10. So I recently came into a large sum of money... ...and then the cashier wouldn't accept it.

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Acceptable One Liners

Which acceptable one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with acceptable? I can suggest the ones about compatible and approve.

  1. Denial, anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance Saturday, Sunday
  2. I couldn't accept that I was both gay and dyslexic I was in Daniel
  3. When Chuck Norris updates Windows ...Microsoft accepts his terms and conditions
  4. Why was Santa hacked? Because he accepts all the cookies.
  5. The fat acceptance movement is the only movement... without any movement
  6. I recently came into a large sum of money. Now it's all sticky and no one will accept it.
  7. Is it acceptable to dip bread into a curry? Asking for my naan.
  8. Why did the vet turn away the injured sea animal? Do not accept if seal is broken.
  9. Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
  10. What country does not accept cash or credit cards? The Czech Republic
  11. What is the biggest lie in the Universe I have read and accepted the terms and conditions
  12. I accept that my son is only average at school... ...he means well.
  13. I wish our Congress was made up of vending machines So they would accept change
  14. I knew the psychic was a fraud the second she accepted my check
  15. I just accepted a senior management position on the old MacDonald farm I'm the CIEIO

Work Acceptable Jokes

Here is a list of funny work acceptable jokes and even better work acceptable puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The wife told her husband "look at your neighbour everyday he kisses his wife before going to work, why don't you do the same ?", he says " I would, but would she accept ?"
  • I was at work the other day and after telling a customer what he owed, he handed me a bag of Tyson wings and drummettes. I said to him, "Sorry, we don't accept chicken tenders."
  • Someone told me that my neighbor how works for the highways department was a kleptomaniac which was hard to accept. But when I looked over his back fence, All the signs where there.
  • We need to look at how the world really works, not just accept the way we are told it works.
  • I applied to the local rock quarry... Apparently getting s**... is not acceptable prior work experience.

Socially Acceptable Jokes

Here is a list of funny socially acceptable jokes and even better socially acceptable puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • forever alone Having alcohol by yourself at home is considered a problem, but social drinking is acceptable.
    So now, whenever I open a crate of White Lightning, I always log on to Facebook.
  • Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day? Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
  • What do you call a socially acceptable Indian bread? Naan-conforming
  • You better not be gay. Is only socially acceptable to say to an endangered Siberian Tiger.
  • You gotta be careful on social media these days. I mean, just today I accepted a friend request from Xerox. Turns out it was a scan.
  • Apparently, saying "Wow, you've grown since I last saw you" isn't deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Acceptable joke

Acceptable joke

Delightful Fun Acceptable Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about acceptable you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean allowed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make acceptable pranks.

A married couple is having a baby...

As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.

The Jewish way

As a Jew I have a soft spot for jokes about my own people, and this is one of my favorites that isn't so well known.
A Jewish man walks into a w**.... The madame asks him what he'd like. He asks if any of the women there can have s**... "the Jewish way". Puzzled, she goes to each of the unoccupied rooms, and asks the woman inside if she's familiar with having s**... the Jewish way. Finally, they get to the last room. Inside is a p**... who's extremely talented, and is one of the most expensive in the area. She asks, "do you know how to have s**... the Jewish way? This man's looking for a woman who does". She responds, "no, I haven't. But to stay at the top of my profession, I'm always looking to improve. If you teach me how to have s**... the Jewish way, we'll do that free of charge".
The man accepts the offer, and they have s**.... She's surprised to find that it's just regular s**...! Afterwards, she asks "What were you talking about, 'the Jewish way'? You just had s**... with me, the most expensive h**... in town, for free?!" He smiles and replies, "that's the Jewish way!".

The captain and the p**...

A captain of the army goes to a p**... and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the p**... answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"
(I hope the joke translates well)

whats the difference between a woman and a computer?

a woman wont accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist s**.... Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.

The kindness of strangers

An old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. The driver, being polite, accepts and munches them.
Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.
Driver : Why don't you eat them yourself ?
Old lady : I can't chew them. Look, I have no teeth.
Driver : Then why do you buy them ?
Old lady : Oh, I just love the chocolates around them.

How many homophobes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They don't accept change, even if it means a brighter world.

I lost my job at the s**... hotline.

Apparently reverse psychology isn't very well accepted.

I got accepted into Harvard's medical program

I just have to die first and give them my body

A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live...

Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"
Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"

The pessimist only sees darkness into the tunnel...

The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees a light approaching into the tunnel
The train driver sees 3 arseholes walking over the railway

Two days ago, I named my wifi to "Hack it if you can"

Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted"

It takes a big man to accept when he is wrong

It takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

How many fat activists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The lightbulb is beautiful the way it is. Society needs to change and learn to accept and stop shaming lightbulbs that don't conform to its standards.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honour."
"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.
"Do you accept payment in gold?"

A man visits his 70th class reunion

He drinks a fair amount there and then asks for his crush from high school's hand in marriage. She accepts and then they drink some more. The next morning the man remembers that he had asked the woman to marry him but not her response, so he calls her up and asks if she said yes. She replies, "Of course I said yes. Thank goodness you called me though." The man, puzzled asks why. She replies "I had forgotten to whom I had said yes to."

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your b**... and graft it onto a buddy?

a**... skin for a friend.

How many seconds in a year joke

a person died and reached the gates of heaven. An angel was guarding the gates. The Angel said "to enter the heaven, you need to answer 3 questions". The person agreed.
A : name 2 days of a week, that starts with letter T.
P : Today and tomorrow
A: ok, I can accept that. How many seconds are there in a year?
P: 12 seconds
A: (shocked) how come?
P: Jan 2nd, Feb 2nd, March 2nd ...
A: you can go in

Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.

Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(

I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.

Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the p**...-taking b**....

I have 11 New Year Resolutions...

* Never make resolutions
* Be accepting of paradoxes
* Use the binary number system more often

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They're explaining how him smoking w**... led to his condition worsening.
But it's just herbal! the patient protested. How can it be bad?
Dr Jenkins sighed. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe for you!
The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?
A water lily.

The genie of the lamp

Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.
The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.
The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car and my house in exchange of the lamp." The poor accepted the deal.
The rich man wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" he asked for a very big house and a better car.the genie replied : « Sorry sir,i only serve tea and coffee »

I saw a sign at McDonald's, it said,"We do not accept bills over $20."

Trust me, if I had more than $20, I wouldn't be eating at McDonald's.

I got fired from my job as a cashier today...

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."
I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

A high school senior visits a psychic...

"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"
"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."
"How do you know this?" the student asked.
The psychic replied,
"It's mostly intuition."

An anti-vaxxer got a call from the Doctor.

The doctor said "Your test results are in and I'm afraid it's not good news."
"Nonsense," replied the anti-vaxxer. "I don't trust your pharmaceutical industry. My entire life I relied on homeopathic remedies instead of medication, and the only diagnosis I accept is based on my horoscope."
"Fair enough, in that case tell me your star -sign." said the doctor.
The anti-vaxxer replied "My star sign is Cancer."
The doctor said "Well what a d**... coincidence..."

Your momma is so fat....

Your momma is so fat that when she accepts website cookies they run out.

My friend just accepted a position as a singing instructor with a decade-long contract.

It's a ten-year tenor tenure.

Rich Twocock went to the court to change his name.

He filled up all necessary forms and gave a lengthy explanation about how everybody tell jokes about his name, including his family members and friends. The judge finally accepted his request and at the end of the interview session asked him: what other name do you want to have ?
He answered: I want to become Eric Twocock.

A man bets his boss 5000$...

that he (the boss) has a pimple on his ass.
"No way!" - says the boss and accepts the bet.
He opens his ass to show to the man. The man says: "It's too dark here, move to the window so I can see better". The boss moves to the window. "Ok, you were right, there is no pimple on your ass". He gives the boss 5000$.
"But why would you do that?", asked the boss, bewildered.
"Yesterday I have bet your colleagues 10000$ that today at exactly 3 o'clock they would see your ass through your office window"

Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed, one jumped off and bumped his head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said

We don't accept your insurance.

A horse walks into a bar.

"Why the long face?" the bartender asks...
"Haha," the horse replies, sarcastically, "Haven't heard that one before."
"Just got the news," the horse continues, "I've been accepted into college."
Bartender says, "That's great news! You should be celebrating."
"Yeah... now I'll be saddled with student loans."

Acceptable joke, A horse walks into a bar.