Acceptable Jokes

I got kicked out of the library today...

Apparently putting the feminism books in the sci-fi section was not acceptable.

Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.

Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(

Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?

Ass skin for a friend.

What's the only acceptable thing for a Scotsman to wear under his kilt?

Lipstick

A woman asked me how I view lesbianism the other day...

Apparently "in HD" was not an acceptable answer.

Wedding RSVP

Apparently it's not acceptable to RSVP a wedding invitation with 'sorry, maybe next time'.

What do you call the facility where they make lower quality, but still acceptable, goods?

The satisfactory.

My Psychology Professor asked me what Super Power I would like to have...

Apparently "Cold War Era Russia" is not an acceptable answer.

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to the class

He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing the class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A prankster student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up, "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect the class exploded in laughter.

When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll have to learn how to write with your other hand then..."

My girl asked me what I thought about babies

Apparently "depends on how they're cooked" was not any acceptable answer

The other day someone asked me what the capital of greece was....

My answer of "i dont know, about ten dollars?" was not acceptable.

I recently Learned that it's politically incorrect to talk about taking part in a school shooting.

Apparently the term 'School photos' is more acceptable.

One day a dad gets a call and is told his son has been using dirty language.

When he gets home that night, he sits down with his son.

"Son," he says, "You know this isn't acceptable behavior. Now I want you to tell me all the dirty words you know."

His son says "Well Dad, I know the S word, I know the B word, and I know the M word."

His dad asks "What's the S word?"

His son says "Stupid."

The father is taken aback but pushes on. He asks "OK, what's the B word?"

His son says "Bad."

His father is starting to feel relieved and a faint smile is playing at his lips. With a kind, fatherly smile he asks "And what's the M word?"

His son says "MotherwhoringSpicnigger."

Joke rules for my house:

First of all, most all jokes are acceptable in this house.. except abortion jokes. Because jokes are all about the delivery...
Absolutely no PMS jokes. Period. No sexual assault jokes.. thats a touchy subject. Dead baby jokes on the other hand.. never get old!

I released a flock of birds at my friend's wedding, just like they asked, but now they aren't speaking to me.

How was i supposed to know ostriches weren't an acceptable choice?

Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar...

They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.

'Sex' and 'Love' ....;)

At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another.

The Husband wrote: I Love Sex.

I got fired from my job as a teacher for sending a student to the office for being tardy

Apparently, it's not acceptable behavior for a special ed teacher

Request: biology jokes

Hey guys I need some jokes for my biology class to liven things up a bit so gimme your best. ( pick-up lines and puns also acceptable)

I want to start a paranormal hookup app.

The tagline would be: for things that want to go bump in the night.

(Finally a place where ghosting would be totally acceptable.)

Which rapper is the most acceptable to Muslims?

Halal Cool J

George's son

George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.

The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to
the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."

The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.

Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."

[Original] This is the only time of year...

.... that it's acceptable for middle-aged men to cruise around town looking for Girl Scouts.

Twitter has banned "foreign spy" as hate speech.

The acceptable term is "undocumented knowledge worker."

Jared picked the wrong Subway to be a spokesman for...

If he had just done voiceover for the NYC Subway, hey kids come inside me would've been perfectly acceptable

Best christmas joke about Obama, (racist)

So I was walking through Wal-Mart looking to buy new ornaments for my christmas tree, when I saw an Obama ornament. Funny, I didn't know it was acceptable to hang a black man from a tree again.

When is the only acceptable time to beat up a midget?

When he is standing next to your girlfriend and says your hair smells nice

forever alone

Having alcohol by yourself at home is considered a problem, but social drinking is acceptable.

So now, whenever I open a crate of White Lightning, I always log on to Facebook.

I got kicked out of a retirement home today

Apparently Get down before being put down is not an acceptable name for a dance event.

I was sat on the beach with my girlfriend the other day.

After a while, I turned to her and said, "If you were to see someone in a bra and knickers at the beach, you would think they are crazy. But somehow it's perfectly acceptable to wear a bikini, which is stupid as it's basically the same thing."

She said, "I don't care. Please, just take them off."

Two Irishmen purchase horses from a farmer

As they ride away, one says to the other "Paddy, how are we to tell our two horses apart?".
"Well, Seamus, 'tis simple: I'll cut my horse's ear, and that will show us it's my horse!"...and he cuts his horse's ear.
Ten minutes down the road, they run into some brambles, and Seamus' horse's ear gets an identical cut in its ear.
This causes the same argument to come up again, until Paddy says "Seamus, I'll cut my horse's tail off, and that will show us it's my horse!"
Seamus finds this acceptable, until, ten minutes later, they encounter MORE brambles, which rip off Seamus' horse's tail just like Paddy's.
They ride and ponder the problem for a mile or so, until Paddy suddenly proclaims "I've got it Seamus! You keep using the black horse, and I'll keep using the brown one!"

At what age is it acceptable to tell a highway it's adopted?

Request: Give me your best wedding joke! (jokes with puns are absolutely acceptable)

What's the only acceptable filetype at The Xavier Institute for Higher Learning?

.docx

Utah liquor laws are BS!

Never have I been to a place where it's acceptable to have more wives than drinks!

I was recently banned from the german club at my local high school

Apparently soap-making isn't an acceptable way to remember the holocaust.

Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?

Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.

What's an acceptable absolute zero?

0K.

I was fired from my position as a data wrangler today

apparently lassoes, whips and cattle-prods aren't acceptable office equipment.

Told my dad I wanted to get into cars

Apparently, stealing cars isn't an acceptable hobby.

What do you call a socially acceptable Indian bread?

Naan-conforming

Mum got mad when she asked me to roast a chicken for tea

Apparently "Yo mumma so fat they call her chicken *BIG*" wasn't an acceptable response.

Daughter's Dance Class

Apparently, it's not acceptable to ask a mom if her daughter's dance class has horizontal or vertical brass poles.

Some of you may be dismayed by Ted Cruz's recent annoucements

But please remember that "pulling out" is the only acceptable way for a Christian to terminate a presidency

So it's perfectly acceptable to dress up as a slutty cat on Halloween...

...but do it any other time of the year and suddenly you're that creepy guy at church?

NSFW I got rejected from a job interview.

Apparently, when asked an example you worked well in a team, "gangbag" is not an acceptable answer.

We have collected gags that can be used as Acceptable pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Acceptable, here are one liners and funny Acceptable pick up lines.

Joko Jokes